tv channel simulation bash script

animes/animes.sh

@@ -0,0 +1,160 @@
+#!/bin/bash
+
+CHANNEL_DIR="$(dirname "$0")"
+STATE_FILE="$CHANNEL_DIR/state.txt"
+LOGO_ASS="$CHANNEL_DIR/logo.ass"
+ADS_DIR="$CHANNEL_DIR/ads"
+SCHEDULE_FILE="$CHANNEL_DIR/schedule.txt"  # Format: 10:00 PM-11:00 PM:'Attack On Titan'
+
+# --- Create text-based logo ASS if not exists ---
+if [ ! -f "$LOGO_ASS" ]; then
+    cat > "$LOGO_ASS" <<EOF
+[Script Info]
+ScriptType: v4.00+
+PlayResX: 1920
+PlayResY: 1080
+[V4+ Styles]
+Format: Name, Fontname, Fontsize, PrimaryColour, SecondaryColour, OutlineColour, BackColour, Bold, Italic, Underline, StrikeOut, ScaleX, ScaleY, Spacing, Angle, BorderStyle, Outline, Shadow, Alignment, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Encoding
+Style: Default,Arial,48,&H00FFFFFF,&H000000FF,&H00000000,&H64000000,1,0,0,0,100,100,0,0,1,3,3,3,2,2,50,1
+[Events]
+Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
+Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.00,99:59:59.00,Default,,0,0,50,,Shadow TV
+EOF
+fi
+
+# --- Determine current time ---
+H=$(date +%I)
+M=$(date +%M)
+AMPM=$(date +%p)
+H24=$(( H % 12 ))
+[ "$AMPM" = "PM" ] && H24=$(( H24 + 12 ))
+CURRENT_MIN=$(( H24*60 + M ))
+CURRENT_TS=$(date +%s)
+
+# --- Determine active anime folder based on schedule ---
+ACTIVE_FOLDER=""
+SCHEDULE_START_TS=0
+if [ -f "$SCHEDULE_FILE" ]; then
+    while IFS= read -r line; do
+        [[ -z "$line" || "$line" =~ ^# ]] && continue
+
+        if [[ $line =~ ^([0-9]{1,2}):([0-9]{2})\ ?([AP]M)-([0-9]{1,2}):([0-9]{2})\ ?([AP]M):\'(.+)\'$ ]]; then
+            SH=${BASH_REMATCH[1]}
+            SM=${BASH_REMATCH[2]}
+            START_AMPM=${BASH_REMATCH[3]}
+            EH=${BASH_REMATCH[4]}
+            EM=${BASH_REMATCH[5]}
+            END_AMPM=${BASH_REMATCH[6]}
+            FOLDER_NAME=${BASH_REMATCH[7]}
+
+            # Convert to 24h minutes
+            SH24=$(( SH % 12 ))
+            [ "$START_AMPM" = "PM" ] && SH24=$(( SH24 + 12 ))
+            EH24=$(( EH % 12 ))
+            [ "$END_AMPM" = "PM" ] && EH24=$(( EH24 + 12 ))
+
+            TEMP_START=$(( SH24*60 + SM ))
+            TEMP_END=$(( EH24*60 + EM ))
+
+            IN_SCHEDULE=0
+            if (( TEMP_END <= TEMP_START )); then
+                (( CURRENT_MIN >= TEMP_START || CURRENT_MIN < TEMP_END )) && IN_SCHEDULE=1
+            else
+                (( CURRENT_MIN >= TEMP_START && CURRENT_MIN < TEMP_END )) && IN_SCHEDULE=1
+            fi
+
+            if (( IN_SCHEDULE )); then
+                ACTIVE_FOLDER="$CHANNEL_DIR/$FOLDER_NAME"
+                TODAY=$(date +%Y-%m-%d)
+                SCHEDULE_START_TS=$(date -d "$TODAY $SH24:$SM" +%s)
+                if (( TEMP_END <= TEMP_START && CURRENT_MIN < TEMP_END )); then
+                    SCHEDULE_START_TS=$(( SCHEDULE_START_TS - 24*3600 ))
+                fi
+                break
+            fi
+        fi
+    done < "$SCHEDULE_FILE"
+fi
+
+if [ -z "$ACTIVE_FOLDER" ]; then
+    echo "No anime scheduled at this time."
+    exit 0
+fi
+
+echo "Now playing: $ACTIVE_FOLDER"
+
+# --- Find all videos in order ---
+VIDEOS=()
+while IFS= read -r -d $'\0' file; do
+    VIDEOS+=("$file")
+done < <(find "$ACTIVE_FOLDER" -maxdepth 1 -type f \( -iname "*.mp4" -o -iname "*.mkv" -o -iname "*.avi" \) -print0 | sort -z -V)
+
+# --- Pick a random ad ---
+AD_PATH=""
+if [ -d "$ADS_DIR" ] && [ $(ls -1 "$ADS_DIR" | wc -l) -gt 0 ]; then
+    AD_FILE=$(ls "$ADS_DIR" | shuf -n1)
+    AD_PATH="$ADS_DIR/$AD_FILE"
+fi
+
+# --- Determine elapsed time ---
+SCHEDULE_ELAPSED=$(( CURRENT_TS - SCHEDULE_START_TS ))
+if [ -f "$STATE_FILE" ] && [ -s "$STATE_FILE" ]; then
+    STATE_ELAPSED=$(cat "$STATE_FILE")
+else
+    STATE_ELAPSED=0
+fi
+
+# Use the larger of schedule elapsed or saved state
+ELAPSED=$(( SCHEDULE_ELAPSED > STATE_ELAPSED ? SCHEDULE_ELAPSED : STATE_ELAPSED ))
+
+# --- Determine which video and seek position ---
+CURRENT_FILE=""
+SEEK=0
+for VIDEO in "${VIDEOS[@]}"; do
+    DURATION=$(ffprobe -v error -show_entries format=duration \
+        -of default=noprint_wrappers=1:nokey=1 "$VIDEO")
+    DURATION=${DURATION%.*}
+
+    if (( ELAPSED >= DURATION )); then
+        ELAPSED=$(( ELAPSED - DURATION ))
+    else
+        CURRENT_FILE="$VIDEO"
+        SEEK=$ELAPSED
+        break
+    fi
+done
+
+[ -z "$CURRENT_FILE" ] && { CURRENT_FILE="${VIDEOS[0]}"; SEEK=0; }
+
+# --- Build playlist ---
+PLAYLIST=("$CURRENT_FILE")
+FOUND=0
+for VIDEO in "${VIDEOS[@]}"; do
+    if [ "$VIDEO" == "$CURRENT_FILE" ]; then
+        FOUND=1
+        continue
+    fi
+    [ "$FOUND" -eq 1 ] && PLAYLIST+=("$VIDEO")
+done
+[ -n "$AD_PATH" ] && PLAYLIST+=("$AD_PATH")
+
+# --- MPV options ---
+WATCH_DIR="$CHANNEL_DIR/watch_later"
+mkdir -p "$WATCH_DIR"
+
+MPV_COMMON="--fullscreen --loop-playlist=inf \
+--no-input-default-bindings --no-osd-bar --osd-level=0 \
+--force-window=no --sub-files=$LOGO_ASS \
+--no-resume-playback --watch-later-directory=$WATCH_DIR"
+
+# --- Start MPV ---
+if (( SEEK > 0 )); then
+    mpv $MPV_COMMON --start="$SEEK" "${PLAYLIST[@]}"
+else
+    mpv $MPV_COMMON "${PLAYLIST[@]}"
+fi
+
+# --- Update state.txt ---
+ELAPSED=$(( SEEK + $(date +%s) - CURRENT_TS ))
+echo $ELAPSED > "$STATE_FILE"
+echo "Channel position updated. Next run will resume correctly."

animes/logo.ass

@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+[Script Info]
+ScriptType: v4.00+
+PlayResX: 1920
+PlayResY: 1080
+[V4+ Styles]
+Format: Name, Fontname, Fontsize, PrimaryColour, SecondaryColour, OutlineColour, BackColour, Bold, Italic, Underline, StrikeOut, ScaleX, ScaleY, Spacing, Angle, BorderStyle, Outline, Shadow, Alignment, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Encoding
+Style: Default,Arial,48,&H00FFFFFF,&H000000FF,&H00000000,&H64000000,1,0,0,0,100,100,0,0,1,3,3,3,2,2,50,1
+[Events]
+Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
+# Text logo at bottom-right, with proper margin
+Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.00,99:59:59.00,Default,,0,0,50,,Shadow TV

animes/schedule.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+10:00 PM-11:00 PM:'Attack On Titan'
+11:15 PM-12:15 AM:'My wife has no emotions'

animes/state.txt

@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+66

movies/K-19 The Widowmaker (2002) [1080p] [BluRay] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YTSYifyUP... (TOR).txt

@@ -0,0 +1,18 @@
+YTS / YIFY Torrents Site
+-------------------------
+
+--> Visit us at https://YTS.MX
+
+- If you have trouble accessing the domain above,
+please always check:
+
+    --> ytsyifyupcmxftncrnqd4bmwxvhlibhdat74w6xnmn33njxts4eeaiqd.onion
+        (accessible only using TOR Browser)
+    --> https://YTSProxies.com
+    --> https://YIFYStatus.com
+
+    for the updated list of official proxies and
+    domains of YTS / YIFY site.
+
+
+Current official domains: YTS.MX, YTS.LT, YTS.AM, YTS.AG

movies/Nadia (1984) [1080p] [WEBRip] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,16 @@
+YTS / YIFY Torrents Site
+-------------------------
+
+--> Visit us at https://YTS.MX
+
+- If you have trouble accessing the domain above,
+please always check:
+
+    --> https://YTSProxies.com
+    --> https://YIFYStatus.com
+
+    for the updated list of official proxies and
+    domains of YTS / YIFY site.
+
+
+Current official domains: YTS.MX, YTS.LT, YTS.AM, YTS.AG

movies/Tall Girl 2 (2022) [1080p] [WEBRip] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,16 @@
+YTS / YIFY Torrents Site
+-------------------------
+
+--> Visit us at https://YTS.MX
+
+- If you have trouble accessing the domain above,
+please always check:
+
+    --> https://YTSProxies.com
+    --> https://YIFYStatus.com
+
+    for the updated list of official proxies and
+    domains of YTS / YIFY site.
+
+
+Current official domains: YTS.MX, YTS.LT, YTS.AM, YTS.AG

movies/The Ice Road (2021) [1080p] [BluRay] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,16 @@
+YTS / YIFY Torrents Site
+-------------------------
+
+--> Visit us at https://YTS.MX
+
+- If you have trouble accessing the domain above,
+please always check:
+
+    --> https://YTSProxies.com
+    --> https://YIFYStatus.com
+
+    for the updated list of official proxies and
+    domains of YTS / YIFY site.
+
+
+Current official domains: YTS.MX, YTS.LT, YTS.AM, YTS.AG

movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/AhaShare.com.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+Share the fun!!! 
+Torrent downloaded from AhaShare.com
+

movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/Torrent Downloaded From ExtraTorrent.com.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,28 @@
+Torrent Downloaded From ExtraTorrent.com
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movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/Torrent downloaded from Demonoid.com - Copy.txt

@@ -0,0 +1 @@
+Torrent downloaded from http://www.Demonoid.com

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E01 The First Meeting.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,506 @@
+Well, hello, Mrs. Post.
+Hi, Mr. Reeves.
+Mr. Post.
+Oh, darling, isn't it beautiful?
+Isn't that great?
+And it's all ours.
+Yes, yours and mine and a man from the bank.
+Oh, Mr. Post, I know you went a little higher than you figured.
+I couldn't help it.
+As soon as I saw this place, I fell in love with it.
+Well, you're an architect.
+You know good, solid construction when you see it.
+I certainly do.
+Don't I, dear?
+Thank you, honey.
+Mr. Addison, your next-door neighbor who used to own it, has always kept it in fine shape.
+I'm sure he has. Thanks very much, Mr. Reeves, for everything.
+Well, thank you. I know you two are going to be very happy here.
+Thank you. Goodbye.
+Goodbye.
+Well, shall we go in?
+Wilbur, it's our first house.
+Aren't you going to carry me over the threshold?
+Oh, yes, sure.
+Good, solid construction.
+Oh, I've got to get the key.
+Wilbur, don't put me down. It's bad luck.
+Oh.
+You better get the key, then. It's in one of my pockets.
+Down there.
+Wait a minute. I forgot to get it for Mr. Reeves.
+Mr. Reeves!
+How do you do?
+I'm Roger Addison. I live next door.
+Oh, I'm just carrying my wife across the threshold.
+Well, aren't you going in the wrong direction?
+Yes, I am.
+Oh, Mr. Reeves!
+Would you mind? I won't be long.
+Mr. Reeves!
+How do you do? I'm Carol Post.
+How do you do?
+Well, now that we've met, perhaps I'd better put you down.
+Oh, no, no, no. You see, it's bad luck.
+I got it, honey.
+Oh, this way, Mr. Addison.
+There we are.
+Oh, here.
+Oh, how do you do? I'm Wilbur Post.
+How do you do?
+Won't you come on in?
+Not right now. I have the feeling that I might be intruding.
+Come on, honey. Let's go look at the rest of our estate.
+All 200 feet of it?
+Isn't this wonderful? I've never lived in the country before.
+Oh, you'll love it.
+I lived in a place like this when I was a kid.
+Ah-ha! Now there's something you learn on a farm.
+A rake lying on the ground. That is dangerous.
+Oh, well, sure, if you stepped on it and you bare feet...
+No, no, no, no, no. Not bare feet. Not just that.
+Well, if you were to step on that, I could come right up and smack you in the face.
+Oh, you mean it's dangerous just to do this?
+That is dangerous.
+Come on, honey. Come on.
+I'm sorry.
+Well, that's what I was telling you about, honey.
+This could be converted into an office for me.
+I figured I'd put Skylight up there.
+And right next to my drafting table, we could build cabinets.
+Carol, look.
+A horse. But he wasn't here when we first looked at the place.
+Well, maybe he was outside.
+How about that? A horse.
+Oh, let's get out of here. Get him out of here and do something.
+Well, you two certainly are the most affectionate couple I've ever seen.
+He tried to bite me.
+I suppose that's all right. You're married.
+She means the horse.
+Him? He doesn't bite. He's just a mangy old nag.
+As a matter of fact, that's what I came to tell you about.
+You see, the people who rented this house before you bought it owned this horse.
+Well, they had to leave in a hurry, and they said you can keep him, you can sell him,
+do anything you want with him.
+We'll keep him.
+Wilbur, of course not. We'll sell him.
+No, we'll keep him.
+Sell him.
+Keep him.
+Sell him.
+Keep him.
+Sell him.
+I'm glad to hear you two arguing.
+For a moment I was wondering if you were a normal married couple.
+Wilbur, come here, honey.
+We've gone to a lot of expense to buy this house, and we just can't afford to feed the animal.
+Well, okay, I guess you're...
+Oh, you see, I'm right. I'll find a horse dealer in the phone book.
+Look, I'm sorry, old fellow. I wanted to keep you, but...
+Hey, I'm sorry.
+I wanted to keep you, but... Hey, do you have any water?
+You know, I should never have started cleaning you up.
+The better you get to look, the more I want to keep you.
+That's that. Let's get started with the feet now, huh?
+It's just hot in here.
+Should open a window.
+Mr. Parker, this is my husband, Mr. Parker.
+He's a good man.
+He's a good man.
+He's a good man.
+He's a good man.
+Mr. Parker, this is my husband, Wilbur, and that's the horse.
+Why didn't you let him guess?
+I didn't, Mr. Post.
+I think I can take him off your hands for $50.
+Honey, you're making a big mistake. This is a very intelligent horse.
+We've been all through that, dear. We'll take the $50.
+All right.
+There you are. Give it to her.
+There you are, ma'am. $50. And I think we both made a good deal.
+This horse looks to be in pretty good shape.
+Goodness, this horse is lame.
+Lame?
+Lame, huh?
+A horse wouldn't be much use to you like that.
+A horse that, uh, there's nothing out of place.
+Probably just a barn cramp.
+Oh, barn cramp, huh?
+And of course, if this horse were in real pain, he wouldn't be holding his head so high.
+The minute a horse is distressed or off his feet,
+first thing you notice, that head goes right down.
+Oh, boy, that animal is ailing.
+Well, he can't take advantage of the man, honey. Give him his money back.
+Oh, honey.
+Of course, he can't be, uh, real sick.
+If a horse can stand, he's worth $50.
+Hmm.
+I'll be.
+Give me back my $50.
+Horse trading is a thieving, conniving, double-crossing business at best.
+But this beats all.
+Oh, just a minute.
+10, 20, 30, 40, 45.
+Yeah, it's all here.
+Wilbur, what are we going to do now?
+Well, honey, if the man doesn't want the horse...
+But, honey, how can we take care of him?
+Look at him. He's sick.
+Maybe the SPCA can help us. I'll go call them.
+Hmm.
+Harold. Harold.
+Can you come over right away?
+I'm afraid he's a very sick horse. He's on his back.
+Hello. Look, you can forget about it.
+The horse is perfectly all right.
+Thank you.
+Wilbur, what do you mean the horse is all right?
+Do you know that horse was only kidding?
+Well, he was only pretending to be sick so he could stay with us.
+Wilbur, I know you want to keep the horse, but this is ridiculous.
+But it's true.
+Why do you think I winked back at him?
+You winked back at him?
+Yeah, well, he winked at me first.
+Look, there is nothing wrong with that horse. Look.
+All right, Wilbur. All right. You can keep the horse if it means that much to you.
+But start making up these fantastic stories.
+I love you.
+Well, prove it.
+Come in.
+Aren't you people overdoing this a bit?
+She's letting me keep the horse.
+Now, what I came over to tell you is this.
+That I'm having some neighbors over tomorrow night and I'd like to have you come over and meet them.
+Oh, thank you.
+We'd be delighted.
+If I were you, I'd keep my door closed.
+Well, you're going to stay after all. Isn't that great?
+Oh, I never thought owning a horse could mean so much to me.
+I guess it's because when I was a little boy, I wanted a pony.
+Of course, I'm not going to be a pony.
+Of course, it's been a long time since I was a little boy.
+It's been a long time since I was a pony.
+You like that, huh?
+Oh, no. That's impossible.
+Did you say that?
+No. How could you?
+Did you say it?
+No, I didn't hear it.
+How could I?
+But I did.
+But I did.
+Oh, this is impossible. I don't believe it.
+Now, while I'm looking right at you, say something.
+Like what?
+Anything. Anything.
+Cow, now. Brown cow.
+Cow, cow, cow, cow.
+What is it, honey?
+Cow, the horse.
+Down here, dear.
+Cow, the horse.
+Horse.
+Better sit down, dear.
+The horse.
+Uh-huh.
+He talks.
+Grover, I told you you can keep the horse.
+Now, I'm going to keep the horse.
+I'm going to keep the horse.
+I'm going to keep the horse.
+I'm going to keep the horse.
+Grover, I told you you can keep the horse.
+Now, I...
+Look, look, I know it sounds fantastic, unbelievable, but it's true.
+The horse talks.
+I didn't believe it myself at first,
+and then I made him say something while I was looking right at him.
+What did he say?
+How now, brown cow.
+The rake. The bump in the head.
+Yeah, the rake.
+The rake, that's what it was.
+How do you feel?
+Fine.
+Carol.
+Carol.
+Carol.
+Sit down.
+Carol, that horse talks.
+You've got to go to bed, and I'm going to call the doctor,
+and everything will be all right, honey.
+Come on with me.
+You're going to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.
+Wilbur.
+Wilbur.
+Wilbur.
+Wilbur, I'm worried about you.
+I'll prove it to you.
+You'll see.
+All right, say something.
+Well, don't just stand there.
+Say something.
+I know why you won't talk.
+You've turned your back on him.
+That horse is sensitive.
+Carol, will you please turn around?
+This whole thing is ridiculous.
+Will you please turn around?
+All right.
+I told you he was sensitive.
+I wouldn't believe that horse could talk
+if the two of you stood there and sang a duet.
+Carol.
+Why didn't you talk to my wife?
+I hate skeptics.
+You make me look like such a fool.
+You've got to talk to my wife.
+Why did you talk to me?
+Because I like you.
+This whole thing is fantastic.
+I just don't understand it.
+Don't try to.
+It's bigger than both of us.
+I'm going to kill you.
+Hello, Mr. Addison.
+Oh, hello, Post.
+I didn't recognize you without your wife in your arms.
+Come in.
+Mr. Addison, I'd like to ask you something.
+Why, certainly, Post, certainly.
+Anything at all.
+Oh, a cigar?
+No, I haven't got one with me.
+No, no, no, Post.
+I'm offering you a cigar.
+Oh, thank you.
+You know, I'm sorry my wife won't be back from New York
+in time for the party tomorrow night.
+I did want you and your wife to meet her.
+Oh, fine.
+We'll enjoy seeing her.
+Post, I know we're both in the same room,
+but I don't think we're in the same world.
+Is there something on your mind?
+Yes, Mr. Addison, there is.
+Well, sit down and tell me about it.
+Thank you.
+Ah, Mr. Addison,
+the man who lived in the house before we did,
+um, he rented from you.
+Mr. Oldfield.
+Yeah.
+Did you know him very well?
+Oh, yes, indeed. We were very close friends.
+Did you ever exchange confidences with him?
+Yeah, quite often.
+Did he ever tell you about his horse?
+No, what about his horse?
+Did he ever tell you his horse talked?
+Oh, no, Oldfield said a lot of funny things.
+Would you repeat that, please?
+He didn't say anything about his horse talking.
+No.
+Did the horse ever say anything?
+No.
+No.
+Did the horse ever talk to you?
+He's been talking to me all afternoon.
+I just realized, Mr. Addison,
+I'm a little tired.
+I think perhaps a little rest would do me good.
+It might not be a bad idea for you to get some rest, too.
+I played 18 holes of golf today,
+and that's a little too much for me.
+Normally, I only play nine.
+I'm a little fatigued.
+Mr. Addison, the reason I came over here
+is I need your help.
+You see, I've got a problem with my wife.
+I can't convince her that the horse talks.
+I would say that your wife had the problem.
+I'm so frustrated.
+Is it my neighbor, my wife, my own wife?
+I tell them I got a horse that talks,
+and they don't believe me.
+Why should they?
+It's ridiculous.
+But you do talk.
+Only to you.
+Why only to me?
+Because you're the only one I ever liked well enough
+to talk to a girl.
+I'm not talking about you.
+I'm talking about my wife.
+You're the only one I ever liked well enough
+to talk to a girl.
+Oh, thanks.
+Ed.
+Ed?
+What kind of a name is Ed for a horse?
+What kind of a name is Wilbur for a man?
+Now, stop gabbing and get me some oats.
+I'm starved.
+Oh, that's right.
+You do need some oats, yeah.
+Oh, um, where shall I get them?
+Go to Duffy's Feed and Grain store.
+Wilbur.
+Yes?
+They give green stamps.
+Oh, honey, let me give you a hand with that.
+It's all right.
+There we are.
+Well, honey, what's wrong?
+I had an awful time at the market today.
+What happened?
+Everybody was talking about the new couple that moved in,
+the Posts.
+They said that the husband thinks he has a horse that talks.
+What did you say?
+I said my name was Mrs. Jones.
+Oh, honey.
+Oh, look, dear, don't worry about it.
+These things have a way of clearing themselves up.
+I don't know.
+Hello, Post.
+This is Mr. Addison.
+I'm sorry, but the party for tonight is canceled.
+Goodbye.
+That was Mr. Addison.
+The party's been called off.
+I knew it.
+I just knew it.
+Look, Carol.
+Carol.
+Don't call me Carol.
+My name is Mrs. Jones.
+I've got to prove it.
+This horse took the tape recorder.
+That'll do it.
+Hi, Wilbur.
+Hiya.
+What you doing?
+Oh, just thought I'd drop in, say hello.
+That's nice.
+You know, I'm very flattered that I'm the only human being
+that you picked on to talk to, old horse.
+I'm a little spoiled.
+Can I get you some oats or anything, old horse?
+Nope, I'm fine.
+Can I open the window for you, Mr. Ed?
+Nope, leave it closed.
+Well, good night, horse.
+Good night.
+Hey, Wilbur.
+What?
+Nice gadget you got there.
+Oh, yes, yes, it is.
+Tape recorder, huh?
+Oh, well, yeah, you might call it that, I guess.
+Goodbye.
+Hey, Wilbur.
+What?
+How you gonna convince anyone the other voice on that tape is a horse?
+Huh?
+Oh, oh, this is great.
+All because you had to pick on me to talk to.
+Millions of people in the whole world, you could...
+And you got to pick on me.
+Now, everybody thinks I flipped my lid, Carol's heart broken.
+All because you pick on me to talk to.
+Wilbur, I can get you out of this.
+Out?
+Phone that real estate man, Reeves.
+Reeves?
+You tell him what I'm going to tell you.
+If I know Reeves, he'll run right to Addison.
+Well, then what?
+Then your troubles will be over.
+Now, listen, Wilbur.
+What do you mean Post doesn't want the house?
+He bought it, didn't he?
+Sure, but he wants to make you give him back the money without asking for it.
+That's ridiculous. The man's out of his mind.
+That's exactly what he wants you to believe.
+That's why he told me the horse talks.
+Right. Don't you understand?
+That's the oldest trick in the real estate game.
+He wants to make us think he's got a screw loose up here.
+That way you'll try to get him out of the neighborhood.
+I see. Well, he'll never get away with it.
+Mr. Addison, you tried to settle this house for a long time.
+There were no takers at your price.
+You leave it to me, Reeves.
+I know how to handle Post.
+Carol, will you come downstairs?
+No.
+Honey, I'll make your lunch.
+I'm not hungry.
+Honey, there's nothing to worry about.
+Mr. Addison just told me how to straighten out this whole mess.
+Oh.
+Maybe you'd better stay upstairs.
+Oh, hello, Mr. Addison.
+Hello, Wilbur.
+I want you to come on in. Sit down.
+Thank you. Thank you very much.
+What a pleasant surprise.
+My horse just told me a very funny story.
+Funniest one I've heard in years.
+I'm still laughing about it.
+Let me hear it.
+Well, these two fellows are at a bar, you see.
+And one of them says, give me four martinis.
+I know that joke.
+You do?
+Yeah, my dog told it to me.
+Your dog?
+Well, your horse told it to my cat,
+my cat told it to my dog,
+and my dog told it to me.
+I like the way things get around.
+Wilbur.
+Huh?
+If I cut $2,000 off the price of the house,
+will that make you stay?
+Two?
+Is it a deal?
+It's a deal.
+Now, Wilbur, does your horse talk?
+No.
+Does your dog talk?
+No.
+Your cat?
+Mm-mm.
+You know, for a minute, I was a little worried about you.
+We're not worried about you.
+Oh, and by the way, the party is not canceled.
+I'm expecting you and your wife.
+Oh, just a minute.
+Carol? Carol?
+I don't want any lunch.
+Honey, Mr. Addison's here.
+He's inviting us to the party tonight.
+Really?
+Wonderful!
+Look, not only that, he likes us so much,
+he's knocked $2,000 off the price of the house.
+Thank you, Mr. Addison.
+Oh, Wilbur.
+Honey.
+Dad.
+Dad, you asleep?
+Not anymore.
+Well, everything worked out fine.
+We went to the party, the ladies invited Carol out to lunch.
+Wilbur.
+Yeah?
+Good night.
+Well, I haven't finished telling you about Carol.
+Good night, Wilbur.
+Good night.
+People.
+Talk, talk, talk.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E02 The Ventriloquist.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,550 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+Honey, I'll be out in my office.
+I promised Mr. Harrison he could look at the sketches tonight.
+All right, dear.
+Wilbur?
+Yeah?
+Don't be gone too long, darling, there's a chill in the air.
+New perfume, huh?
+Mm-hmm, like it?
+If you weren't my wife, I'd kiss you.
+Wilbur?
+What did you buy and how much did it cost?
+I'd better not tell you.
+You say it's too expensive.
+You're right, it's too expensive.
+But Wilbur, it's something I really need.
+What is it?
+Well, it's, uh...
+It's, uh...
+No, if I told you, I'm sure you'd turn me down.
+Maybe I wouldn't.
+I'm sure you would.
+Well, ask me.
+First, promise me you'll say yes.
+Oh, no.
+That's how you got me to marry you.
+Look, let's not play games.
+What is it you want?
+Well, it's...
+It's a, uh...
+Oh, no.
+I just couldn't stand it if you turned me down.
+Wilbur?
+It's for you.
+Thank you.
+Yeah?
+I just figured out how we can pay it off in 12 installments.
+Pay what off?
+Uh...
+Oh, you just say no.
+Oh, boy.
+Women.
+You think we'll ever understand them?
+Don't try.
+Just enjoy them.
+Oh, if only I knew what my wife wanted.
+And you, if you were more cooperative, I could afford to get her anything.
+How's that?
+Well, if you would only talk to everybody instead of only to me.
+I mean, I could put you on television, clean up a fortune.
+Television?
+Not me.
+I'm a trigger.
+He's a very mixed-up horse.
+What do you think of these sketches?
+Not bad.
+I put in plenty of night work on these sketches.
+When Addison sees these tomorrow, that country club job is in the bag.
+I still say the exterior should be redwood, not stucco.
+Besides, he's my next-door neighbor.
+How can he possibly turn me down?
+Easy.
+There's no...
+I know I could sell Mr. Addison these plans if only I could be with him when he looked
+at them.
+Why don't you take him to lunch, hmm?
+I don't know him that well.
+I mean, I feel funny just inviting him out of the blue, you know what I mean?
+Yeah.
+You're a chicken.
+I don't know, Ed.
+Want me to dial?
+No, never mind.
+Be subtle.
+Lead up to that invitation.
+I got it.
+Yes, dear.
+Hello.
+Hello, Mr. Addison.
+This is your neighbor, Wilbur Post.
+Hello, Post.
+I was wondering...
+Want to go for a walk?
+Would you like to go for a walk?
+Walk?
+I'd look rather conspicuous in my pajamas.
+Oh, I'm sorry.
+Were you sleeping?
+Yes, until the phone rang.
+Invite him to lunch.
+How about lunch?
+No, thank you.
+I just had dinner.
+I mean, tomorrow at the club.
+You'll pay.
+You'll pay.
+You'll pay.
+I mean...
+It's on me.
+I'll pay for my horse.
+I mean, I'll pay.
+Mr. Addison, I finished those sketches.
+I would like to discuss them with you at lunch.
+Very well, Post.
+Twelve o'clock sharp.
+Good night.
+Weird fellow.
+Addison doll.
+Addison doll.
+They're having a flower show at the Civic Auditorium.
+Baby doll.
+Cupcake.
+I know you're awake, little faker.
+I am not going to any flower show.
+I'm in my pajamas and I'm not starting from this couch.
+Flower show.
+Hi.
+Where's Wilbur?
+He's outside going over the plans for the new clubhouse.
+Oh, that's nice.
+My husband's sleeping.
+Yours is out working.
+Well, that's what keeps married couples together.
+Separateness.
+Oh, I just love a second television for our bedroom.
+How would you get your husband to buy you one?
+Easy.
+I'd show him the sail slip.
+That's the one thing my husband understands.
+You've got to be forceful and aggressive.
+But I didn't even have the nerve to ask Wilbur.
+You want to know the best time to ask him?
+Right after a good meal.
+A good meal?
+Yes, there's only one thing that works.
+Stuff him in the morning and skin him at night.
+You're just being serious.
+I mean it.
+Oh, but my husband isn't easy.
+I give him tomato juice, he wants orange juice.
+I give him orange juice, he wants tomato juice.
+What about pineapple juice?
+I give him pineapple juice and he'd want papaya juice.
+Find out what he likes and give it to him.
+If you want that television set.
+Are we having company for breakfast?
+No, dear.
+What would you like?
+Orange juice, pineapple juice, grapefruit juice, prune juice, vegetable juice, papaya
+juice or our sauerkraut juice?
+I'd like orange juice.
+Two minute eggs, three minute eggs, four minute eggs, fried eggs, scrambled eggs, coddled
+eggs, poached eggs, I'll set his side up.
+No eggs, Benedict?
+I didn't have room on the tray.
+What did you buy and how much did it cost?
+Bacon, ham, mixed sausage, breakfast steak, liver, I'll...
+Chef Malani, sit down.
+Now look, what is this you want?
+Coffee, hot chocolate...
+Just a minute.
+I don't know what you want, but whatever it is, we can't afford it because this breakfast
+costs more.
+Honey, please.
+What is it?
+A television set.
+What is it?
+A television set for the bedroom.
+Is that...
+Is that what...
+Is that all?
+You know, for a minute you had me worried.
+You mean I can have it?
+No.
+Honey, look, I just spent a fortune on this house and all this furniture and all this
+food.
+Oh, look, sweetie.
+Come on, let's have a little smile.
+Look, dear, I'll tell you what.
+I'm going to have lunch with Addison this afternoon.
+If I can sell him on the clubhouse, I'll get you the set.
+Oh, you're the most wonderful husband in the world.
+I'll get a big 24-inch model with remote control and we can both watch the late show through
+our toes.
+Oh, wait a minute, honey.
+Addison hasn't seen the sketches yet and he's not an easy man to sell.
+Oh, his wife told me how to handle him.
+All you have to do is be forceful and aggressive.
+Forceful?
+Aggressive?
+Me?
+Honey, if you want to make this sale, you've got to be aggressive.
+Be a pusher.
+Oh, honey, let's face it.
+I'm not a pusher.
+I'm more of a nudger.
+Oh, honey, you can do it.
+I know you can.
+Yeah.
+Yeah, I can.
+I can be very forceful.
+I can be aggressive.
+Good.
+Now, don't forget, Wilbur, push, don't nudge.
+Ed.
+Whoops.
+How many times have I got to tell you not to listen in on the party line?
+You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
+Who was that on the phone?
+Mrs. Ferguson.
+I heard her say she's going to have another baby.
+You mean she's expecting?
+Expecting nothing.
+She's sure.
+You're out of feed.
+How about I get you some oats?
+No, please.
+I'm starting a diet today.
+A diet?
+Yeah.
+Eat like a horse, look like a horse.
+Unless you can find me some low-cal hay.
+All right.
+Wish me luck with Mr. Addison, will you?
+One word of advice, Wilbur.
+What?
+Be a pusher, not a nudger.
+Right.
+Where did you hear that?
+I also listen in at windows.
+Hi Addison, old boy.
+How's my favorite pigeon?
+Hello, Robbins.
+We playing golf again tomorrow?
+We'll see.
+I sure love separating you from that two bucks today.
+You're the world's worst loser.
+I am not.
+You should see yourself paying off a bet.
+Your Adam's apple keeps bobbing up and down.
+I know how to lose gracefully.
+Oh?
+Well, I'll give you another chance to be graceful.
+I'll bet you two bucks there's less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.
+Well?
+Oh, how obvious can you be?
+You've got it all set up.
+I'll wager there are less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.
+Okay.
+It's a bet.
+I'll bet you two bucks there's less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.
+Someday I'm going to beat you.
+Oh, don't lose that attitude.
+That's going to send my boy through school.
+And now may I suggest that you run along?
+I'm having luncheon with Wilbur Post.
+Wilbur Post?
+You're not having lunch with him.
+I am.
+He's bringing over some sketches for the new clubhouse.
+You know him?
+Oh, very well.
+Grew up with him.
+Went to school with him.
+He's a little dird.
+He doesn't have any get up and go, you know what I mean?
+Between my wife at home and you at the club, I get pushed around enough.
+It'll be quite refreshing to meet someone who is modest and unassuming.
+Addison!
+Hey, how's wife put her there, huh?
+Hey, Harry, how's Mabel?
+What do you say, Sam?
+Look, I'll talk to you over at the curtain.
+Oh, sorry.
+I'll put up my bill.
+Give yourself a big tip.
+Well, how?
+What are you, on the building committee?
+Wilbur, why don't you, uh, the whole thing?
+I'm not sure I can do it.
+I'm not sure I can do it.
+I'm not sure I can do it.
+I'm not sure I can do it.
+Give yourself a big tip.
+I'm not sure I can do it.
+I'm not sure I can do it.
+I'm not sure I can do it.
+Cheer up, honey.
+Try to forget about this afternoon.
+This has taught me a lesson.
+I'm never going to try to be anything that I'm not.
+I've got to accept that once and for all, I'm a 100% 14-carat nudger.
+Wilbur, I am not going to sit here and listen to you tear yourself down.
+I went through two years of that with my folks.
+Well, I was always under the impression that your folks sort of liked me.
+Oh, they did.
+I mean, they do.
+They will.
+They're right.
+You should never have married me.
+Oh, no, honey.
+Forget about Addison and his old clubhouse.
+You don't need him.
+Why, there are lots of men in this town who appreciate your work.
+Yeah, you're right.
+You're right.
+That Addison.
+He gets me so mad.
+You know, if he were to walk in here this very minute and get down on his hands and knees
+and beg me to do that job, I'd do it.
+Oh, honey, it's so good to see you laughing again.
+Darling, it's only one job.
+I know, but I promised you a TV set.
+Oh, forget about the set.
+I can wait.
+You said you needed it.
+There's only one thing I need.
+Hello there.
+Oh, I envy you two.
+You know, Addison and I used to kiss all the time.
+Then we got married.
+Oh, well.
+Did your husband tell you what happened today at lunch?
+Um, not too much.
+He talked mostly about our house.
+Your house?
+He wants to sell it.
+Oh, now, look, kid, stop worrying.
+I've had a little talk with Addison, and he's agreed to look at your sketches.
+Wonderful.
+I'll take him right over.
+Uh, no, you better let me.
+He's wearing his best shirt tonight.
+Kay, we really appreciate this.
+Oh, Kay, you're such a wonderful neighbor.
+It means so much to Wilbur, to both of us.
+Well, don't get your hopes up.
+I'll get Addison to look at these, but I can't guarantee he'll give you the job.
+That's good enough for us.
+See you later, huh?
+Whoop.
+You're going to get me in trouble with this eavesdropping habit of yours.
+It's wrong to listen to other people's conversations.
+They're entitled to their privacy.
+Why do you do that?
+Compulsion.
+Besides, I didn't expect to get caught.
+Now, this is the last time I'm going to tell you.
+I hope so.
+What's so funny?
+I heard about your ketchup caper this afternoon.
+Where'd you hear about that?
+Happened to stroll by Addison's window.
+What did he say about me?
+Sorry, I don't use that kind of language.
+Oh, Mr. Addison.
+Good evening, Mrs. Post.
+You come in.
+Thank you.
+I'm so glad to see you.
+You're looking well.
+Is your husband home?
+Yes, I'll go get him.
+Oh, Mr. Addison, I'm terribly sorry about what happened this afternoon.
+Well, I assure you, Mrs. Post, it is not a memory that I will cherish in my golden years.
+Actually, it was all my fault.
+You see, I told Wilbur to be aggressive, and I guess he over-diddled it a little.
+What?
+Over-doodled.
+Diddle.
+Doodle.
+What I mean is that Wilbur isn't like that at all.
+He's really quite the opposite.
+I'm sure.
+Anyway, I've looked over your husband's sketches, and I believe they have possibilities.
+Oh, that's wonderful.
+He'll be so happy to hear it.
+He's in the barn in his workshop.
+I'll go get him.
+Don't bother.
+I'll go and talk to him personally.
+Good evening, Mrs. Post.
+Oh, Mr. Addison, I'm so happy.
+I could just kiss you.
+Please, let's not over-doodle it.
+I wonder how Mrs. Addison's making out with her husband.
+Maybe I should drop over there, you know, ring the bell, and pretend to borrow a cup of sugar.
+How corny can you get?
+I shouldn't worry about her.
+She's got her husband completely buffered.
+Buffered?
+She's got him stampeded.
+He's not such a bad guy.
+No, not bad.
+Just stuffy.
+He's got less personality than a dead mackerel.
+He's not such a bad...
+Mr. Addison.
+The horse.
+Please.
+What?
+Huh?
+Mr. Addison, look, I don't want to rush you,
+but have you made any decision on the plans for the horse?
+I heard... talking?
+That wasn't the horse.
+I'm a ventriloquist.
+A ventriloquist?
+That is remarkable.
+You didn't even move a muscle.
+Mr. Addison, would you believe it if I were to tell you the horse actually talks?
+Why, of course not.
+I've been a ventriloquist for years.
+Fantastic.
+Let me see you do that just once more while I'm watching you closely.
+I can talk while I drink a glass of water.
+Boy, there is more to you than I thought.
+I am amazed.
+Well, that makes two of us.
+Look, Mr. Addison, what are the plans?
+Well, we'll discuss this when you drop by my house.
+I'd like to have you over there around 9 o'clock.
+Fine, fine, I'll be there.
+Good.
+Ventriloquist.
+People will believe anything.
+Why don't you acknowledge that I'm a better gin player than you are?
+I've beaten you nine straight games.
+Yeah, luck, that's all, just plain luck.
+It's bound to change sometime.
+And oh, it has.
+This is the best hand I've had all night.
+Hey, wait a minute.
+I only have nine cards.
+It's a missed deal.
+Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you don't.
+Take another card.
+My play.
+Gin.
+Look, at 50 cents a game, that's $5 you owe me.
+I'll tell you what I'll do.
+I'll toss you a coin, double or nothing.
+No, no, no, no.
+To use your expression, this pigeon has had it.
+Besides, I'm expecting Wilbur Post.
+Wilbur Post?
+What do you see in that dud?
+Wilbur Post is a very talented young man.
+Well, I suppose he's a fairly good architect.
+And a very amusing young man.
+Amusing?
+Wilbur Post happens to be a very fine ventriloquist.
+Wilbur Post?
+He's lucky to get words out of his own mouth.
+Roberts, how much did you beat me for today?
+Well, $4 and this 5 makes 9.
+Why?
+For once, I would like to come out ahead of you.
+Would you care to wager $10 that Wilbur Post is a ventriloquist?
+Now I've heard everything.
+Okay, if your Adam's apple can stand it.
+You've got a bet.
+Sure, little pigeon, sure.
+Wilbur, my boy, come in.
+Ah, lovely evening, isn't it?
+Hello, Hal.
+Oh, hiya, Wilbur.
+Say, Addison thinks an awful lot of you.
+Oh, he told you about the plans, huh?
+Well, that new clubhouse is going to look beautiful.
+Never mind that now, Wilbur.
+I was just telling Robbins what a great ventriloquist you are.
+I am?
+Oh, well, no, I wouldn't say I was great.
+Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
+Well, let's see what you can do.
+Give us a demonstration.
+Come on, Wilbur. Make your voice come out of this Beethoven statue.
+Well, no.
+Come on, come on here.
+Make your voice come out right here.
+Come on, come on, huh?
+I've never performed in front of the public.
+Never mind the false modesty.
+I've made a sizable wager with Robbins that you're a ventriloquist.
+And I don't intend to lose it.
+Well, I...
+We're waiting, Post.
+And if you expect to do business with me,
+we'd better hear a few words from Beethoven.
+I used to remember.
+I left the shower running.
+I'd better call my wife.
+Excuse me.
+I'm going to get my...
+You'll never learn.
+Hello, Carol.
+Look, I'm in a spot.
+Call me right back and tell me I'm needed at home.
+Carol is out.
+This is your answering service.
+You and that ventriloquist bit.
+You got me into a real jam.
+If I can't make Addison's Beethoven statue talk,
+I'm going to lose the contract.
+I left the shower on, but fortunately my wife is in it.
+Come on, Post.
+I've been waiting for years to win just one bet from this man.
+Now, come on.
+Throw your voice, won't you, please?
+Just once. Once, please, huh?
+Mr. Addison, I must tell you the truth.
+I'm not really a ventriloquist.
+But I heard you.
+If you've made some kind of bet, I'll gladly pay it.
+I saw you throw your voice in the barn.
+In the barn, I'm a ventriloquist.
+Come on, fork over the ten bucks.
+Don't pay him.
+This is Beethoven talking.
+He did it! Did you hear him?
+He did it there! He did it!
+I don't believe it.
+Do it again.
+Yeah, certainly.
+Well, uh, won't you, uh...
+Won't you say something else for the nice people, Beethoven?
+Please, don't be so formal.
+Call me Ludwig.
+Oh...
+Well...
+Whoa...
+He's lucky I can talk.
+Ed, we did it. We did it.
+I got the contract,
+and tomorrow I'm gonna buy my wife a television set.
+And all because of you. You are wonderful.
+That's fine.
+Now do me a favor, will ya?
+Anything.
+I'm gonna buy my wife a television set.
+And all because of you. You are wonderful.
+Now do me a favor, will ya?
+Anything.
+What?
+When you're watching television,
+don't turn on any of those old westerns.
+Why not?
+I hate to see people sitting on my friends.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E03 Busy Wife.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,418 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+Well, did you find a good movie, honey?
+There's a new Japanese picture at the art cinema, Yakimura Samurai.
+Oh, I'm not crazy about those foreign pictures.
+When they're finished, I'm always five subtitles behind.
+Those subtitles in Brigitte Bardot's pictures don't seem to bother you.
+You ever heard of Who Reads?
+Oh, mouth to teeth.
+To me, you are a combination of Brigitte Bardot, Gina Lollobrigida, and Larry Sherry.
+Larry Sherry?
+Isn't he a baseball pitcher?
+Oui, oui.
+But like him, you have the wonderful curve.
+Oh, okay.
+The last time my husband kissed me was New Year's Eve, 1946.
+In the dark, he thought I was a cigarette girl.
+Wilbur and I are going to a movie tonight.
+How about you and Roger joining us?
+Oh, Kat, my civic group is meeting tonight, and I'm heading up a new campaign.
+Really?
+It sounds exciting.
+Sweetie, why don't you join my club?
+How about coming along tonight?
+Oh, I don't think so.
+Oh, you go on, honey.
+I think women should take an interest in civic affairs.
+Right now, our group is fighting for something important, very important.
+Anything that helps the community helps the country.
+What are you fighting for?
+Benches at every bus stop.
+Don't elect a woman president.
+At least you'll have a few seats in the house.
+Wilbur, are you sure you don't mind?
+Not at all.
+This will give me a great chance to finish up those Whitaker sketches.
+Oh, let's go, huh?
+Kat, if I do join, can I be on your committee?
+Well, do you like Mabel Benson?
+Not really.
+Then you're on my committee.
+How about you and you'll be late?
+These westerns, they all look alike to me.
+I thought you didn't like westerns.
+I'm waiting for Leonard Bernstein.
+Well, you'll have to catch Leonard Bernstein some other time.
+I have work to do.
+Moe, brow.
+Hello, Wilbur.
+Oh, hi, Roger.
+I can't understand why you don't build an office in the house.
+How can you work in a barn near this broken down nag?
+I have a feeling that horse doesn't like me.
+Oh, by the way, your wife dropped by.
+She took Carol to a club meeting.
+Club meeting?
+I hope you'll have a good photograph of your wife.
+Why?
+You may not be seeing her for years.
+But you let your wife join the women's committee for civic improvement.
+What is so terrible about that?
+Before Kay joined the WCCI, I had a wife.
+Now I find I've married a gypsy.
+Oh, she doesn't leave you alone that much?
+I have to stick pins in a map to keep track of her.
+Wilbur, when you let your wife join that group, you became a husband without portfolio.
+A married bachelor.
+A man in search of a can opener.
+Now, wait a minute, Roger.
+Carol would never neglect me for anything.
+Mark my words.
+The only time you'll see her in the kitchen is when she's passing through on her way to
+meet the girls.
+Now, you just don't know my wife.
+Your wife, my wife, they're all alike.
+They get married to escape their parents.
+Then they join clubs so they can escape their husbands.
+Oh, I'm glad you're in, Roger.
+Hey, you left it on your television set.
+I must have left it on.
+You know, you're all wrong about Carol.
+You think Carol is different.
+I'd say that by tomorrow, your dear little wife is going to be so involved in her civic
+duties that you'll be doing the shopping for her.
+Care to make a bet on that?
+Any amount you want.
+Sky's the limit.
+How about a dollar?
+You got a bet.
+That'll be the day when Carol has me pushing around a shopping cart.
+Oh, pardon me.
+I'd like three tomatoes.
+Beef tomatoes.
+Kind Mrs. Post gets.
+Mrs. Post.
+She real fine lady.
+You Mr. Post?
+Yes.
+I'm helping out today.
+My wife is sick.
+Oh, that's too bad.
+I throw in extra tomato for good luck.
+Oh, well, thank you very...
+I better throw him a stick.
+You need something Mr. Post?
+Oh, yes.
+I dropped a dime.
+Oh, I'll help you find it.
+I can't...
+Hello Sam.
+How are the endives today?
+Oh, fine.
+I see you're shopping again.
+Yes, Mrs. Addison has just started a new campaign with her civic group.
+Oh, you're going to be with us through watermelon season.
+Excuse, just my customer.
+Please, if you must squeeze, squeeze apple.
+Good morning.
+How come you look for dime here when you drop there?
+Well, you never know how far money will go these days.
+You feel all right Mr. Post?
+Oh, hello Mrs. Post.
+How come you're out of bed?
+What?
+Sam, there's a wonderful picture playing at the art cinema.
+Yakamura Samurai.
+Why don't you go see it?
+No, American subtitles too confusing.
+Wilbur, why did he ask me what I was doing out of bed?
+Oh, he just takes an interest in his customers.
+I'm glad you're going to finish the shopping.
+Oh, but I'm not Wilbur.
+Darling, I'm on my way to an emergency meeting at the WCCI.
+So, would you be a darling and take care of these things after you finish your shopping?
+Have a car wash, take shoes to repair, pick up laundry.
+I hope you don't mind dear.
+Well, honey.
+Oh, thanks honey.
+I believe the wage here was for $1.
+Thank you little mother.
+Whoops.
+Why do you insist on eavesdropping?
+You haven't been around for three days.
+I'm lonesome.
+I've been busy.
+Doing what?
+Keeping house?
+What's wrong with a man helping out his wife?
+Nothing Wilma.
+Wilma, Wilbur.
+Ted, I admit I have been neglecting you, but really, these committee meetings at Carroll
+will be all finished with in about two weeks.
+Maybe.
+If you were a real man, she'd stay home nights.
+Are you suggesting that Carroll is losing interest in me?
+If the horseshoe fits.
+What am I doing wrong?
+Nothing.
+That's what's wrong.
+Maybe I have been taking Carroll for granted.
+After a man's been married for a few years, he stops showering his wife with these little
+attentions.
+And then, before you know it, strange cigarettes in the ashtray.
+Still, I can't remember the last time I brought Carroll anything like, well, like little things.
+Like flowers.
+Or perfumes.
+Or candles.
+Or even taker dancing.
+Stop jumping up and down.
+You're making me dizzy.
+I'm not giving up.
+No sir.
+Boy, am I glad I remained a bachelor.
+Honey, I've got so much work to do.
+Can I help you?
+Would you like to hear my speech?
+Love it.
+Madam Chairman.
+Beautiful, beautiful.
+You may get a prize for this.
+Oh, Wilbur, they're lovely.
+What's the occasion?
+You're my wife and I love you.
+Now listen, Madam Chairman, it is with pleasure that I report to you tonight that, honey,
+that the funds for the benches at every bus stop...
+Wilbur, let me finish my speech.
+Go ahead, I'm listening.
+Carroll?
+Very sorely, long number.
+Very sorely, long number.
+Honey, you should have let me talk to her.
+It might be something important.
+You're a devil when there's fire in your eyes.
+Maybe I'd better call a bath.
+Come here, you jezebel.
+Wilbur, what's happening?
+What's gotten into you?
+This is the real me.
+Ardent, impetuous, irresistible.
+Yes, just like a great woman.
+Don't you two ever fight?
+I can't.
+Very sorely, long number.
+You know, when you said it the second time, your voice fooled me completely.
+Oh, probably an echo.
+We've been getting a lot of that in the party line.
+Still, I don't mind as long as they don't double our phone bill.
+Oh, Carroll, I've got good news.
+We just got a big contribution from Mrs. Harding for our bus bench drive.
+Oh, how wonderful.
+Who's Mrs. Harding?
+Her husband manufactures bus benches.
+Now, there is a coincidence.
+Carroll, you know what this means.
+With the added money, we can keep our campaign going for months and months.
+Isn't that great?
+And, Carroll, you know, we're all gonna have to pitch in and work twice as hard, maybe
+three, four nights a week.
+Get about the club, honey.
+You know you can count on me, Ken.
+Did you finish the correspondence, dear?
+All we have to do is stamp them and mail them.
+Oh, that's wonderful.
+Cost $5.
+They are divine.
+Honey, this is your husband talking.
+Oh, heavens, we haven't made up our mind about that yet.
+I'm going upstairs now, honey.
+Oh, we'll just have to call another emergency meeting.
+I'm gonna look upstairs and throw myself out of the window.
+How about Mabel Benson?
+I think that's pretty good.
+We can get some bar food for a change.
+That's marvelous.
+Now, listen, you've got to know.
+I'm gonna dig my heels out, honey, I ain't never gonna come home.
+Oh, god!
+Hello?
+Is Carol there?
+Belle et Salle.
+Long number.
+Get off the phone.
+Is this Carol Post's house?
+Yes, it is Mr. Post.
+This is Mabel Benson.
+Oh, Mabel, well, my wife left a message for you.
+You are to pick up some stationery at Joanne's.
+Or Agnes'.
+Or Linda's.
+I vote for Agnes.
+Get off the phone.
+Who are you talking to?
+Would you believe it's a horse?
+Mr. Post, isn't it rather early in the morning to be hitting the bottle?
+Hello?
+He hung up on us.
+To quote my own immortal words, a man in search of a can opener.
+Oh, Lord.
+I just got busy with these sketches, so I picked up a sandwich at Hofmeyer's Delicatessen.
+Anything wrong with that?
+No.
+Only I have the feeling that for the next six months, you're going to be seeing more
+of Hofmeyer than you do of your wife.
+How about that?
+You know, it's quite ironic when you think of it.
+Our wives out fighting for benches at bus stops.
+My wife's never been on a bus in her life.
+The club is doing some good, isn't it?
+Good.
+Two years ago, those women put up a fight to save a park statue that even the pigeons
+didn't want.
+Still, I'm not going to beg Carol to give up the club.
+I mean, if she wants to quit, she can do it of her own will and accord.
+I can see you now celebrating your golden anniversary with Hofmeyer.
+To fill in all those empty years ahead, I would suggest you take up a hobby.
+Perhaps butterfly mounting, stamp collecting, painting, taxidermy.
+Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
+Hold it, hold it.
+What?
+You got it.
+Got what?
+I'm going to take up a hobby.
+Yeah, what, what?
+Painting.
+You want to paint in the kitchen?
+Taking up painting will get Carol back in the kitchen?
+Yeah, well, it will the way I'm going to do it.
+Now, see, I've got an easel here.
+I just need to get some canvas, some paints.
+Do you think that's enough food?
+Is Mabel Benson coming?
+Uh-huh.
+Then you haven't got enough.
+She's the only one I know who starts with seconds.
+Hello, girls.
+Is it Halloween already?
+What in the world are you doing in that outfit?
+Haven't you ever seen an artist before?
+Did you get enough air in that bun?
+I thought I would take up a hobby as long as you were busy with your club meetings.
+Oh, I think that's wonderful, honey.
+Tonight I'm going to do a picture of Mr. Ed.
+Well, do a good job.
+If it comes out nice, he may order a half a dozen.
+Oh, I must have got that mouth on canvas.
+Oh, there are the girls.
+Well, good luck with your bus benches.
+I shouldn't have done that, you know.
+I may never paint again.
+Ed, what are you doing?
+Cut off my ear and call me Van Gogh.
+What are you doing with my canvas?
+Ed, I'm sorry.
+I know I've been neglecting you lately, but it won't be for long.
+As you all know, our campaign to get bus benches on every corner is rapidly gaining momentum.
+The reason for this meeting is to find an appropriate slogan.
+Oh, I've got one.
+A bench is a place for people to meet.
+It's also a wonderful place to eat.
+How about this one?
+Excuse me.
+Sit and leave your trouble.
+Hello, I'm Jane Parker.
+Mr. Post is expecting me.
+He is?
+Yes, I'm modeling for him.
+But I thought he was painting his horse.
+He is.
+I'll be sitting on it.
+We're doing Lady Godiva.
+Where is your husband's studio?
+It's that building in the rear, right off the patio.
+Oh, thank you.
+Oh, Ed, stop being so stubborn.
+Nobody's sitting on my back.
+You can talk.
+You tell it to the model.
+I only talk to you and dumb animals.
+Very funny.
+Very funny.
+I'm Jane Parker.
+Oh, how do you do?
+I'm Wilbur Post.
+Didn't you bring your costume?
+Sure, it's in here.
+Well, you can get changed in here.
+I'll be outside.
+I'm painting you by moonlight.
+How are you?
+Oh, did, um, did my wife say anything to you?
+No, she just seemed a bit surprised.
+Good.
+Just a minute.
+Here he comes.
+It is therefore resolved that the Women's Committee for Civic Improvement...
+Pardon me, girls.
+Do you mind if I steal these olives?
+Are you having martinis?
+No.
+Janey just had a yen for olives.
+Hello, Wilbur.
+Oh, hi, Roger.
+What are you doing out here?
+Well, this is part of my plan to get Carol back in the kitchen.
+By painting your horse?
+That's ridiculous.
+Well, I'm ready.
+Oh, this is Mr. Addison, my neighbor.
+This is Miss Parker, my mother.
+May I split a canvas with you?
+Why, it's Roger.
+Hello, dear.
+I just dropped in for a tray of ice cubes.
+Girls, meeting adjourned.
+I think I better put Picasso to bed.
+Now relax, my dear.
+Now smile.
+Show me those beautiful teeth.
+Not you, Ed.
+I beg your pardon?
+Oh, nothing.
+Just smile, my dear.
+Hi, dear.
+Hello, honey.
+Now let's see those lovely dimples.
+That's wonderful.
+Darling, it was getting a little chilly,
+and I thought maybe Miss Parker would like to borrow my sweater.
+No, thank you.
+I'm very warm-blooded.
+Now, Janie, my dear, lift the knee just a little.
+That's it. That's it.
+Wilbur?
+Yes, dear?
+How long do you think it's going to take you to finish this picture?
+A few weeks, a few months.
+Rembrandt never punched a time clock, you know.
+Guess what?
+I just resigned from my club.
+You did?
+Uh-huh.
+It was taking up too much of my time.
+Well, you know best, dear.
+Hey, what do you think?
+Not very good.
+It's terrible.
+All right.
+Better take up another hobby.
+I think that's a wonderful idea.
+That'll be all, Miss Parker.
+Wilbur?
+Hmm?
+What hobby are you going to take up next?
+That's a nice hobby.
+Ed, Carol and I are going dancing, so I thought...
+Ed, what in the world are you doing in that beret?
+I got a little filly coming over for a sitting.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.
+Thank you.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E04 Kiddy Park.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,402 @@
+Hello. I'm Mr. Red.
+Wilbur?
+Good for you.
+Thanks, Dad.
+Hello?
+Can you come in for a minute?
+The vacuum cleaner's stuck.
+Be right over, honey.
+Oh, sweetheart, give me a little kiss.
+Sickening.
+Wilbur?
+Hi, Roger.
+Have you any plans for the weekend?
+Just work. Why?
+According to this fishing report, the marlin are running wild at Ensenada.
+They say they're practically leaping into the boat.
+Yeah. They must be using Mexican jumping beans for bait.
+What do you say?
+Tomorrow morning we pack our fishing gear and in a few hours we'll be south of the border.
+La cucaracha, la cucaracha.
+I'll tell Carol to get packed.
+Oh, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. This trip is for men only.
+What, you mean you want to leave Kay and Carol at home?
+Exactly. We don't need our wives. We'll have the marlin, and they talk less.
+The trouble with you is you're henpecked.
+I am not.
+I wear the pants in my family.
+That's the spirit, and be firm.
+Right. See you later, Roger.
+La cucaracha, la cucaracha.
+La cucaracha, la cucaracha.
+Ed.
+Ed, I can't take you with us.
+You heard Mr. Addison. This trip is for men only.
+What do I look like, a girl?
+Ed, it's impossible.
+You're leaving me alone on my birthday?
+Your birthday?
+Yep.
+Seven years ago, that old vet slapped me on the back and said to my father,
+Congratulations, it's a boy.
+Seven years old, huh?
+You know, you don't look more than five and a half.
+I try to stay in shape.
+What time do we leave?
+Look, Ed, we'll discuss it later. Carol's waiting for me.
+Wilbur.
+Yeah?
+Be firm. Just us men.
+La cucaracha, la cucaracha.
+Carol, I had a talk with Roger Addison.
+Honey, when you get that out, will you please put this extension in?
+I have to vacuum those drapes.
+Yes. He showed me this newspaper article.
+You got it loose yet?
+Oh, no. It's a very exciting article.
+They're leaping into the boat at Ensenada. Marlon, I mean.
+Marlon, honey, will you please listen to me?
+Why, yes, dear. What is it?
+Well, the...
+Yes?
+Can I help you with the drapes?
+Oh, you're so sweet.
+You know, honey, I've been working pretty hard lately,
+and I thought it isn't good for a fellow to all work and no play,
+and I thought perhaps maybe I could...
+Honey, be careful!
+Yeah, well, as I said, I've been working kind of hard lately, and I...
+I'll get the hammer so you can fix the rod.
+I thought perhaps...
+Operator?
+Would you please test my phone?
+Yeah.
+Yes, will you ring... Will you ring State 1-1781?
+Right away. Thank you.
+Here, dear.
+Oh, thank you.
+Now what were you saying, dear?
+Who, me? I wasn't saying anything.
+I'll get it, honey.
+Hello?
+Hello?
+Oh, yes! Hello, Roger.
+It's Roger Addison.
+Hello, Roger.
+Huh?
+Three days?
+Ensenada?
+Oh, sure, I love to go fishing.
+Just us men, huh?
+Well, I don't know, Roger. I hate to leave Carol alone.
+Oh, no, you're wrong about that, Roger.
+If I were to ask Carol, I know she'd let me go in a minute.
+Huh?
+They're leaping into the boat, huh?
+Roger.
+Well, I'll talk to Carol.
+Wilbur, who are you talking to?
+Must have been some practical joker.
+He certainly sounded like you.
+I guess he has a twin brother. Have you?
+Gee, Carol, I'm leaving tomorrow morning on a three-day fishing trip.
+Your husband would like to accompany me, but he hasn't the nerve to ask you.
+Oh, well, for heaven's sake, is that all?
+Honey, of course you can go.
+You'd let me go alone?
+If you'd like to.
+But I'll miss you.
+Well, it was your idea.
+You didn't say you wanted to go alone.
+You never asked me.
+Well, you could have suggested it.
+But I thought you wanted to go alone with Roger.
+Look, Carol, I did not marry you to go on trips with this man.
+Wilbur, don't raise your voice to me.
+Carol, you're fighting me. Your place is with your husband.
+But, dear...
+Legally, you haven't got a leg to stand on.
+Wherever the husband goes, the wife has to go.
+Right, Roger?
+You tell him.
+Oh, here's my darling breadwinner.
+Addison, would you mind driving me to...
+Kay, guess what?
+The boys want us to go along with them to Ensenada.
+No.
+Why, Addison doll, whatever made you change your mind?
+It seemed as illegal for a husband to catch a fish unless accompanied by his wife.
+Ensenada, what a lovely idea.
+Honey, we'd better start shopping right away.
+We've got no time to lose.
+Right, I've got a million things to do.
+You'd better find a place for Mr. Ed to stay while we're gone.
+What do you mean?
+Since you're not married to the horse, I don't believe you're legally obligated to include him on the trip.
+Well, I thought we could hitch a trailer to the car and take him along with us.
+Oh, good thinking.
+Then if you boys get tired, the horse can take his turn at the wheel.
+Darling, we can put him in a stable.
+Put Mr. Ed in a stable?
+He's too big for a kennel.
+Darling, don't look so worried.
+There must be a good place around.
+But I mean, it would break his heart.
+Tomorrow's his birthday.
+His birth...
+His birthday.
+How do you know?
+We...
+I think it said so on his papers.
+So it's his birthday.
+We could send him a singing telegram from Ensenada.
+Let's go, Carol. Those dress racks are calling.
+Darling, would you mind putting away those things and fixing the drapes?
+I just hate to shop in a hurry.
+What's the difference? Buy now, return later.
+Listen, it'll only take me a minute to change. Come on up with me.
+All right, dear. Stay out here. The water's very warm in Ensenada.
+Ed, you better sit down.
+Uh-uh. Here comes the snow job.
+Ed, I can't take you along.
+That's nice.
+You'll be having a ball in Mexico while I stand around here twiddling my hoofs.
+Ed, I'm not gonna leave you alone.
+What are you gonna do? Get me a horse sitter?
+Oh, be sensible.
+What fun would a horse have sitting around watching people fish?
+What fun do people have watching horses run?
+Well, you're such a great talker. Why don't you talk to Carol about coming along?
+Try her again, will you?
+All right. Soon she gets back from shopping.
+Muchos gracias, amigo.
+Uh-oh.
+I just bought this one dress. All these are Kay's.
+Yes, and that's just what I could carry. The rest I'm having delivered.
+Kay, you better rush back to the store.
+Why?
+You forgot to get snowshoes in case there's a blizzard.
+Oh, fooling. What are you gonna do with all these things?
+No problem. I'm running a sale on Monday.
+I think I'll wear the brown belt with this. What do you think?
+Maybe.
+I'm worried about leaving Ed.
+Oh, he'll be fine.
+It would break your heart to see Ed. He feels terrible about being left behind.
+That's silly. You're just imagining things.
+Who ever heard of taking a horse along on a fishing trip?
+Carol, Ed wouldn't be any trouble.
+Wilbur, I'm beginning to think you're using Mr. Ed as an excuse.
+Excuse?
+To make me stay at home.
+You're sorry you asked me to come along. Why did you say so?
+Carol.
+Oh, well.
+There's no sense in watching you two fight. I may as well go home and start my own.
+You know, Ed, I've been thinking about Mexico.
+With this change of climate, you're gonna feel real lobey.
+Then there's the difference in the food, you know, and the water, and the altitude.
+Maybe you should reconsider.
+I can see the handwriting on the wall.
+Look, Ed, I tried, but Carol just doesn't want you to come along.
+Okay. Leave me alone on my birthday.
+Ed, pull yourself together. It's only for three days.
+Besides, Carol started to cry. When I see tears, I just can't say no.
+Ed, don't.
+Okay, Ed, you're going.
+Anything she can do, I can do better.
+You can pick up some new handbags in Ensenada.
+Mm-hmm, that's right. Oh, sure.
+All right. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
+Yes, dear? Just a minute, Kay.
+Honey, I was just out in the barn, and if you could see Ed, it tears your heart out.
+No, no, don't cry. He's gonna stay.
+He wanted to take that horse to Ensenada again.
+Oh, these men will try to get away with anything.
+I guess I'll just have to try again.
+So, I got the axe again, huh?
+I have asked you not to listen in on that phone.
+You don't like me.
+Oh, stop saying that.
+I might as well go to work in a kiddie park.
+Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
+Those kids will ride me, kick me, beat me, but what do you care?
+Ed, be reasonable. If I have to pick between you and Carol, you know what my decision has to be.
+Yep, just break it to her gently.
+Ed, I'm gonna have to board you in a stable for a few days.
+Do anything you want. I don't care.
+Oh, now I don't know what to do.
+Can I help you?
+Yes, my name is Post. I phoned Mr. Kramer about boarding my horse here.
+Why, Mr. Kramer, how long do you want to leave?
+Well...
+Well, um, I'd like to leave him here for three days.
+All right, I think we can arrange that.
+I'll pick him up Sunday night. What time's...
+What are we whispering about?
+The horse feels terrible about coming here. This is his first time away from home.
+Oh, God, don't worry it. We got some horses that's been here for months.
+No!
+I'd like to leave him here for just three days. Three short days.
+Has he been fed?
+No, he's on a hunger strike today.
+Just leave the horse here. We'll take care of him.
+Come on, Ed, it's only for three days.
+Post, we've got more stuff in here than you can get in the average freight car.
+Most of your wife's.
+Wilbur, do you mind if I sit in the car with the rest of the group?
+I can't have you blocking the license plate for me.
+I told the girls we wouldn't have room for all these suitcases.
+I didn't think we'd be able to squeeze it all in.
+Well, this is it.
+Sweetie, don't forget to close the door.
+Can you fit these in, dear?
+Look, if I squeeze all that stuff in, I'll have to drive from the glove compartment.
+Ladies, we're only going away for the weekend. We're not fleeing the country.
+It's our fault you men don't know how to pack a car.
+Do you girls have any suggestions?
+I have. Here, put all the stuff in the back seat, Wilbur.
+There you go. Now, Addison, you take the rest of the bags.
+Carol, dear, look out so Wilbur can get them in there. There you go.
+Don't crash the car. Yes, in the back seat, please.
+Out there. Oh, there's plenty of room in there.
+Now then, Wilbur, get right into the driver's seat, just easy as pie.
+Here you go.
+Do you really think this is going to work?
+Oh, certainly. I've done it a million times.
+Get right in there next to Wilbur.
+Take them out and out of the mold.
+There you see, dear, nothing to it.
+I'll just stand here and wave as you drive away.
+Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Come on, get in. Now, squeeze over, everybody.
+Come on, now. We've got lots of...
+Oh, Wilbur. I know. That blue bag in the back can go.
+Wait a minute. You picked on the one valise containing my things.
+Well, it only has fishing clothes in it. Can't you catch fish in your slacks?
+Yes. Or we can go fishing at night and catch them in our pajamas.
+I have the perfect solution. What?
+Send the bags to Ensenada and we'll stay here.
+Come on, let's be sensible. We've got too much stuff in this car.
+This can go.
+This radio can go.
+This bag...
+That stays.
+That's our phone, honey. Where did you pack it?
+Never mind, I'll get it.
+Let's compromise. Supposing we leave just a couple of things behind.
+Right. Two wives.
+Hello.
+Mr. Post? Yes?
+Got some bad news. Your horse is missing.
+Missing? What happened?
+I think he's been stolen. Just before he disappeared, I heard a voice in his stall.
+Oh, I don't know. Something about a kiddie park.
+No, I didn't see anybody around. That's what makes it so peculiar.
+He told me he'd run off to a kiddie park.
+Do you see my little black bag?
+Your black bag? There are 75 bags in there.
+Right behind there. I'm awful sorry.
+I'm going to the kiddie park.
+Well, that's one way to settle the packing problem.
+Did he say kiddie park?
+He said, like they say, men are little boys at heart.
+Ed! Ed, it's me!
+Hmm.
+Hold it, Mac. You can't go out there.
+That's my horse. He ran away from home.
+What are you talking about?
+He's mine. Don't believe what he tells you.
+Wait a minute.
+That horse has been here ever since I came to...
+Who told me?
+Excuse me. I'll be back in a minute.
+You looking for trouble, Mac?
+I've got to get out there.
+Only riders are allowed out on the tracks, eh?
+How much for a ride?
+15 cents, four for a half.
+Wait a minute. I get it.
+This is a hidden camera show. We're on TV, right?
+Where's the camera?
+Where'd you hide it?
+Boy, you had me fooled for a minute.
+Where's the camera?
+Hiya, honey. Hiya, Davey boy. This is Daddy.
+Where'd you hide the microphone?
+Under your lapel.
+Four rides on that pony, please.
+Oh, I beg your pardon, madam. That's my pony. I was here first.
+Wait a minute, mister. I was here before you.
+No, no, you see, I was talking to the ticket taker when you came up.
+You ought to have numbers, like in the butcher shop.
+How long is your child going to ride?
+Excuse me.
+Are you going to ride that pony?
+Just for a minute. I only bought one ticket.
+What's the matter, mister? A big man like you riding a pony?
+You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you big...
+Madam, please. You're on television.
+Television?
+Hidden camera.
+No.
+Where's the camera? Oh, this is exciting.
+Oh, are they going to give away prizes?
+Oh, hello.
+Mother, are you watching?
+Oh, I have to clean you up. We're on television.
+Say hello to Grandma.
+Come on, faster. Catch that big horse. Come on, let's go.
+Kid, you shouldn't have run away.
+Get away from me, boy, you bugger.
+Listen, kid, you knew I tried to get Carol to change her mind.
+I wouldn't go now if you're big.
+Who does he want you to go?
+Ensenada.
+Oh?
+I thought you didn't talk in front of anybody but me.
+How come you talk to a kid?
+Who believes kids anyway?
+Follow that big horse. Come on, let's go.
+Come on, let's go. Come on, let's go. Hurry up. Come on.
+Get it. Get it. Get it.
+Come on, come on. Ed.
+Ed, will you please listen to me?
+Ed, you win. You are going to Ensenada, okay?
+Will you put that in writing?
+I solemnly swear to you, I will not go to Ensenada.
+Okay? Will you put that in writing?
+I solemnly swear.
+Check.
+Ed, where is Ensenada?
+Mexico.
+Oh?
+Are you coming home now, Ed?
+Si, senor.
+Well, did you have a good time?
+Mommy, that horse talks.
+What?
+He said he didn't want to go to Mexico.
+The horse said that?
+Uh-huh.
+Children, where do they get those imaginations?
+Wilbur.
+Carol.
+Ensenada.
+What's Mr. Ed doing here?
+He ran away.
+Don't tell me he wanted to visit his relatives on the merry-go-round.
+By the time we get to Mexico, our clothes will be out of style.
+You better take Mr. Ed back to the stable, honey.
+Carol, Ed is going with us.
+And if you feel like crying, be my guest.
+All right, honey. You win.
+Excuse us.
+Back to the car.
+Now are you all comfy back there?
+Hurry, Wilbur.
+Just a minute, dear.
+Happy birthday, Ed.
+Thanks, amigo. Thanks.
+Now, make a wish and blow out the candle.
+Happy birthday, Ed.
+A Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E05 Stable for Three.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,402 @@
+Hello. I'm Mr. Red.
+Morning, Wilbur. Ed, isn't this a beautiful morning?
+Only for people. What are you so grouchy about?
+Didn't sleep a wink last night. What kept you up?
+The smoke from your barbecue. What bothered you, huh?
+No. That's too bad. Still, we've got to use the barbecue.
+Wanna bet? Hello.
+Wilbur? It's that fussy Mr. Goodwin again.
+Thanks, Ed. Good morning, Mr. Goodwin.
+Wilbur, I've been thinking it might be a good idea to put the fireplace in the den after all.
+Fine, but yesterday you told me that... I changed my mind.
+My wife wants the fireplace. All right. It's your money, Mr. Goodwin.
+Goodbye. That Goodwin. His wife says one thing, he jumps.
+Wilbur? Coming, honey. Hey, Wilbur.
+Yeah? You're not a bad jumper yourself.
+There you go.
+One morning, just one morning, I'd like to see go past without trouble from that mischievous horse.
+Honey, you can't blame Mr. Ed for everything. I mean, this could have been done by a stray cat.
+Well, it must have been some cat to kick over a barbecue and leave hoof prints all over it.
+Wilbur, that horse is becoming destructive. Maybe we ought to get rid of him.
+Honey, you can't blame Ed. I mean, maybe the smoke kept him awake all night.
+He said it gave him quite... I mean, you can tell by his cough.
+Wilbur, you never ride him. He doesn't do any work for us. Why are we keeping him?
+Well, he came with the house.
+Oh, I suppose if termites came with the house, you'd want to keep them too.
+Only the friendly ones.
+If you must keep him, at least tie him up so he won't go wandering about the place destroying things.
+I'll do it right now.
+Now, Ed, look, I just saw that barbecue. I'm going to have to tie you up.
+But that's slavery. You know, we fought a war.
+Ed, please.
+Four score and seven...
+Well, it's about time you got a little sunshine.
+Wilbur, have you tied Mr. Ed up yet?
+What a silly question. How's your vegetable garden doing, honey?
+Oh, honey, I'm so thrilled with it.
+Just imagine, I put a little seed in the ground and up come those beautiful tomatoes.
+It's a miracle of nature.
+Yeah? Especially when you planted radishes.
+No kidding. That garden has cost me $62.
+Don't you think that you could whip up a couple of those tomatoes in a salad tonight?
+Eat my tomatoes.
+Honey, don't look at me as though I were a cannibal. We've got to eat them sometime.
+Wilbur, let's not eat those tomatoes just yet, huh?
+What are you going to do, make lamps out of them?
+Mmm.
+What you thinking about, honey?
+My spring onion. It should have been up by now. What do you think it needs?
+Another spring onion.
+So, you know, this garden of yours has cost me a fortune.
+What are you going to show for it?
+Three radishes, four tomatoes, and a spring onion that can't make up its mind.
+You're a big help.
+Hey, scratch my back.
+Hi, Luther Burbank.
+Hi, Kate.
+Guess what? Addison's surprising me with a gorgeous mink stole.
+Oh, what's the occasion?
+My anniversary.
+Is it today?
+Well, not exactly. It's eight months from now.
+Eight months?
+As a matter of fact, he doesn't even know he's buying me the stole.
+That's the surprise.
+Yes.
+Well, I'm going to have to ask him to come downtown with me and help me pick it out.
+Kate, can we go a little later this afternoon?
+Oh, I have to finish shopping by three.
+Why three?
+By that time, the banks are closed and my husband's helpless.
+Come on, put that thing down. Hurry up. Hurry up.
+Oh, hello, Roger.
+How are you today?
+Not so good.
+During the night, someone demolished my barbecue.
+And there's been a stray cat around the neighborhood.
+Stray dog?
+Try old plug.
+I'm awfully sorry about your barbecue, Roger.
+I'll take it.
+Hello?
+Yes, he's here. Just a minute.
+It's your wife.
+My wife?
+Oh, thanks.
+Yes, Kate?
+Are you wearing your sweater, darling?
+Yes, I am.
+Keep it buttoned.
+I don't want you catching cold, pudding pie.
+Pudding pie.
+She's setting me up for something. I can feel it in my wallet.
+Just because a wife is nice to her husband doesn't mean she wants anything.
+Post, how long have you been married?
+Three years.
+I put in 21 years.
+Take my advice.
+When your wife begins to act unnaturally kind, kiss her.
+But don't take your hands out of your pockets.
+Roger, did it ever occur to you that Kate is being nice to you because she loves you?
+That horse seems to have more sense than you have.
+But in the future, just keep him away from my house.
+Ed, I'm ashamed of you.
+Why did you destroy our neighbor's barbecue?
+Well, what have you got to say for yourself?
+I'm not saying a word until I hear from my lawyer.
+Well, I'm going to lock you in your stall until you've learned your lesson.
+No, I've got a better idea.
+You're going to go without your lunch today.
+Well, aren't you going to say anything?
+Time doesn't pay.
+Go without my lunch?
+Not while there's a garden full of vegetables.
+Hey, Ed!
+What are you doing?
+Blocking my plants, darling.
+Mr. Ed, Carol's garden is completely ruined.
+Those crows will eat anything.
+It was you who ate them.
+Me?
+Then whose hoof prints are those?
+So far, that's pretty flimsy evidence.
+Why did you do it, Ed?
+You took away my oats.
+I was hungry.
+When Carol finds out you wrecked her garden, she'll insist on getting rid of you.
+What are you going to do about it, Wilbur?
+Me?
+You could cover up for an old pal.
+What do you suggest?
+Run down to the market.
+Buy a few vegetables to stick back into the ground.
+Pretty sneaky.
+Yeah, I thought you'd like it.
+I'll give it a try.
+Why do I do these things for you?
+Because we like each other.
+Get going.
+Yeah.
+Boy, I got out of that one pretty neatly.
+Hi, Roger.
+Hello, Wilbur.
+Don't tell me you're planting vegetables in the hope seeds will come up.
+Oh, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a jam.
+Have you seen my wife?
+She and my checkbook seem to have gone out together.
+Well, I think she went shopping with my wife.
+Then she'll be returning soon.
+Yeah, the banks have just closed.
+Wilbur, I don't think you're well.
+Ed, she's here.
+Thanks, Carol.
+It's a lovely stove, Kay, and I know you'll look just beautiful in it.
+Well, I hope Addison will think so.
+When are you going to show it to him?
+I may have to break it to him gently.
+Maybe I'll just wear the box for a couple of days.
+Thanks a lot, Carol, for going with me.
+Well, happy anniversary, whenever it is.
+Kay, good luck.
+I'll need it.
+Uh-oh, here she comes.
+Relax, Wilbur.
+We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
+Yeah.
+Oh.
+Oh!
+Hello, Wilbur.
+Carol, oh, darling.
+Sweetheart.
+Why, what have we here?
+Don't you recognize the vegetables from my garden?
+Yes, they're beautiful.
+Aren't they?
+You know, this is the most amazing tomato I ever grew.
+Really?
+It grew without a stem, upside down, and all tied up.
+Nature is wonderful.
+And just look at these radishes.
+Oh, those are lovely radishes.
+You should win a prize with those.
+I should.
+You see, I planted red radishes and white ones came up.
+Wilbur, what happened to my beautiful garden?
+Honey, it was an accident.
+It was that horse again, and now don't you try to cover up for him.
+It was all my fault.
+You see, I took his oats away, and he was very hungry.
+He promised he'd never do it again.
+He promised?
+What I mean is you could tell by the look on his face that he was sorry.
+You're always alibiing for him.
+Sometimes I think you love that horse more than you do me.
+Just a minute.
+And if he could cook, I'd be without a job.
+You would not.
+Well, as far as I'm concerned, if you love that horse so much, you could sleep in the barn with him.
+Carol, you don't mean that.
+Oh, yes, I do.
+And for your sake, I hope your friend doesn't snort.
+Whoa!
+Buddy boy.
+What do you want?
+So it won't be a total loss.
+Pass me those vegetables, hmm?
+Hmm?
+Carol thinks I'm going to call her and apologize.
+She's mistaken.
+Uh, Wilbur, next time get my pizza pie with anchovies.
+You know, just between the two of us, Carol is perfectly justified in being angry with you.
+You had no right to eat her vegetables.
+Look who's talking.
+You stuck those vegetables in the ground, not me.
+Andre.
+Sit, I'll get it.
+Never mind.
+Hello, honey.
+This is Mr. Goodwin again.
+Oh.
+All right, I'll put the fireplace back, Mr. Goodwin.
+Goodbye.
+You know, maybe I ought to call Carol.
+Wilbur.
+You're right.
+Any woman who would allow her husband to sleep in a broken-down stable...
+Please, you're talking about our home.
+Come in, honey.
+Please, you're talking to your next-door neighbor.
+Somebody here?
+No, I was just talking to myself.
+Oh.
+I understand you're going to be sleeping in the stable tonight.
+Oh, news gets around quick, doesn't it?
+Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
+I've got work to do.
+Besides, this isn't really a stable, this is my office.
+Oh, sure, sure.
+And I see you've engaged a secretary to take short-hand.
+Mr. Ed.
+My boy, do you know where you made your first mistake?
+Getting married?
+No.
+There's nothing wrong with marriage, provided there is just one in the family who wears the pants.
+I'll take it.
+Excuse me.
+Hello, honey.
+Oh, no, Wilbur, this is Kay.
+Is Addison there?
+Yes.
+Your pants is on the phone.
+Yes, dear.
+Doll, will you please hurry home?
+I just baked a special cake for you.
+I'll be there.
+Baked a cake, huh?
+She must have bought something really expensive.
+If there's whipped cream on it, I'm bankrupt.
+Just one more piece of cake, Addison doll.
+Really, Kay, three pieces are sufficient.
+Oh, but Addison, I...
+Well, shall we have the ice cream now or later?
+Later.
+All right, sweet.
+Now, let mother make you comfy.
+Here, I'll put this nice pillow behind you.
+Now, lay back, you've had a hard day.
+Here's the evening paper for you.
+Thank you.
+Isn't that nice?
+Nice.
+Now, just you relax, dear.
+Relax, dear.
+It goes back in the morning.
+You could at least look at it.
+Beautiful.
+It still goes back in the morning.
+I'm keeping it.
+Oh, is it going to be one of those nights?
+Am I losing the ice cream, too?
+I'm keeping the stole.
+Over my dead checkbook.
+Oh, now, Addison, be fair.
+Did I raise a fuss when you went out last week and squandered a fortune?
+I bought a pair of socks for $2.
+That doesn't answer my question.
+Did I raise a fuss?
+That stole goes back in the morning.
+If it does, it will have to walk by itself.
+Are you going to let me have some peace tonight, or must I find somewhere else to stay?
+Say, Wilbur, is this animal going to sleep in here with us?
+Yeah, he's paid up till the end of the month.
+Besides, maybe we can learn a few things from him.
+He's the only one around here who hasn't been kicked out by his wife.
+I'm afraid this couch is too narrow for both of us.
+You know, I toss a little in my sleep.
+Oh, I toss, too.
+Well, look, you take the couch.
+I'll get something for myself from the patio.
+Oh, Wilbur, I'm sorry to put you to so much trouble.
+Oh, forget it.
+And look at it this way.
+You haven't lost a wife.
+You've gained a stablemate.
+Oh, yeah.
+Stablemate.
+Well, did you get those with chop suey?
+They happen to be a gift from Kay.
+Is that what started the fight?
+No, our little tiff revolved around a mink stole my dear wife purchased this afternoon.
+Oh, is that why she was buttering you up all day?
+This was more of a lubrication job.
+Take heed, folks.
+Females are tricky creatures.
+They don't have teeth but fangs.
+Not nails but claws.
+And instead of a heart, a charger plate.
+If you feel that way about women, why did you get married?
+Man does not live by bread alone.
+Come on, admit it.
+You know you're crazy about your wife.
+Of course I am, but I dare not tell her that.
+It would destroy our entire relationship.
+I'm crazy about Carol, too.
+So why are we sleeping in the barn?
+We are teaching them a lesson.
+Oh, thank heaven that sleeping pill is beginning to take effect.
+Gesundheit.
+Of all things.
+I'm allergic to hay.
+Gesundheit.
+Thank you, Wilbur.
+You better cover up, boy.
+You sound a little hoarse.
+Yeah.
+Night.
+Oh!
+That stall still goes back in the morning.
+Oh!
+Maybe I can help.
+Darling, I'm sor...
+Oh, hi, Carol.
+I thought it was my diamond Jim Brady.
+Do you mind if I come in, Kay?
+Glad to have you, honey.
+I was getting tired talking to my mink.
+Kay, I have something to tell you.
+Oh?
+Maybe we were wrong.
+Maybe we should tell them.
+We asked them to come home.
+Well, I don't know, honey.
+What was that?
+Do you think it could be prowlers?
+Louie, this joint looks like a pushover.
+But don't use the rods unless you have to.
+Let's get out of here quick.
+Wilbur!
+Wilbur!
+Wilbur, wake up!
+Wake up, Wilbur!
+What happened? What's wrong?
+There are prowlers outside.
+They're trying to rob the house.
+Prowlers? Prowlers?
+Wake up, honey.
+They're going to rob the house.
+It still goes back in the morning.
+Oh, dear.
+Be careful, darling.
+They were right under that window.
+Huh.
+There's nobody here but...
+but Ed.
+Hi.
+They seem to be gone, darling.
+Mr. Ed must have scared them away.
+Mr. Ed?
+Yeah, pretty smart, huh?
+Smart? He's wonderful.
+You still want to get rid of him?
+Oh, no, honey.
+I'm so ashamed of myself.
+Believe me, if Ed could talk,
+he'd forgive you.
+Come on, honey.
+It's nice of you to drive me downtown, Wilbur.
+Kay is using my car.
+That's all right.
+And I'm sorry I took that sleeping pill last night
+and wasn't able to assist you in that emergency.
+Oh, that's okay.
+There were only four burglars,
+so I was able to handle it all.
+Four, huh?
+Yeah. Well, where are we going?
+To the fur shop.
+Fur shop?
+I told you, I wear the pants in my family.
+And this morning, when I insisted on returning this mink stole,
+Kay gave it to me without an argument.
+Oh, well, let's go.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E06 Sorority House.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,480 @@
+Hello. I'm Mr. Red.
+Hello.
+I'd like to make a reservation.
+Is this Trans-Oceanic Airlines?
+No, lady.
+This is the Pony Express.
+Who was that on the phone?
+Well, who was it?
+Wrong number.
+You know, you're a strange horse.
+You'll talk on the phone, you'll talk to me, but you won't talk in front of other people. Why?
+How should I know?
+I'm a horse, not a psychiatrist.
+Millions of horses in the world and I have to get the one who talks.
+Why do I only seem to hear voices when I come in here?
+I want to ask you a favor.
+Sure, what is it?
+Would you allow me to take your horse over to State University for the weekend?
+I doubt if they'd accept him.
+He never got out of high school.
+No, really, I'm serious.
+You see, I attended an alumni meeting last night of Sigma Nu Delta.
+That's my old fraternity at State U.
+Well, it seems that State's rival college has stolen our mascot, a horse just like yours.
+And I promised the boys I would deliver Mr. Red for the big game next Saturday against Brighton U.
+Well, since you promised, you can't have him.
+Well, thank you...
+I beg your pardon.
+Maybe you better get another horse.
+Ed is very uncomfortable away from home.
+But the university is only a ten minute drive from here and the boys will bring him back right after the game.
+Well, as long as they bring him back, you can't have him.
+Well, look, I'm in a bad spot.
+I promised the boys the horse and you're putting me in a very difficult position.
+Well, if that's the case, you're in trouble.
+I'm sorry, Roger.
+Well, that's quite all right.
+Thank you, neighbor.
+Yes?
+Is Mr. Utterson there?
+Nope.
+Who is this?
+Willie McIntyre.
+Is this the man who's going to lend us the horse?
+Get yourself a mule.
+Yes, I understand how important it is for you to borrow, Mr. Ed.
+You know, Carol, I've done a few favors for Wilbur, like getting him the contract to build Mr. Gordon's ranch house.
+I know.
+And the lawnmower, I lend him every Sunday.
+Of course, I'm not the kind who would remind Wilbur of these things, but I wish you would.
+I'll talk to him, Roger.
+Sometimes I can get him to do things, especially if he thinks it's his idea.
+There he is. I'll call you.
+Oh.
+Who is that, honey?
+That Roger Addison.
+I wish he'd stop pestering us about lending him Mr. Ed.
+He just doesn't give up, huh?
+He's never done us any favors.
+Oh, let's be fair, honey.
+Well, name one thing.
+He got me the contract for the Gordon ranch house.
+What else?
+Those theater tickets.
+What else?
+Well, uh...
+So he lends you his lawnmower every Sunday.
+Did I say that?
+All right.
+If it means that much to you, lend Roger the horse.
+It would upset you, darling.
+Oh, no, no, no.
+You've convinced me.
+Lend Roger the horse.
+That's what I love about you.
+When you're wrong, you admit it.
+Roger, listen.
+It worked.
+Oh, bless you, my dear.
+I still don't understand why your husband raised
+such a fuss over that old nag.
+What was that?
+Must be a bad connection.
+Well, thanks again, and goodbye, my dear.
+Ed, I've been thinking.
+Not lately.
+Ed, listen.
+Maybe you'd have fun being mascot for those kids,
+just for the weekend.
+No, thanks.
+I'd rather die in bed.
+Well, you may get your picture in the paper.
+With 22 football players on my back.
+Look at it from my point of view.
+Mr. Addison is my neighbor.
+He's been doing me a lot of favors,
+and it's about time I did him one.
+They tricked you, Wilbur.
+I heard him on the phone.
+Never mind what you heard on the phone.
+I'm telling Mr. Addison the Sigma Nu Delta
+can borrow you for the football game.
+Oh.
+Lay it on hard, lay it on low.
+All right, stay, stay.
+Go, go, go.
+Why don't you watch where you're going?
+I'm sorry.
+My name is Wilbur Post.
+I lent you fellas my horse for the football game.
+Football game.
+With an S and a T and an A-T-E.
+Stay, stay.
+Yay!
+T.
+I know, fellas, but won't you even listen to me?
+Excuse me, I'm Wilbur Post.
+I lent you my horse for the football game.
+I'm a little worried about him.
+It's his first time away from home.
+Would you boys know where they're keeping him?
+You are fraternity boys, aren't you?
+You are boys.
+You are alive.
+Why should I want to fool you fellas?
+I tell you, Norma's a living doll.
+She'll go nuts over him.
+Pardon me, my name is Wilbur Post.
+I'm here about my horse.
+Would you know where they've hidden him?
+I'll call you right back, fellas.
+Are you a spy from Brighton?
+Now, fellas, please, you've got this all wrong.
+I'm Wilbur Post, Mr. Addison's friend.
+I'm the one who lent you the horse.
+I just want to see him.
+Oh, well, we've got him hidden where those Brighton creeps won't find him.
+Oh, well, would you mind telling me where?
+Hi, Hank.
+How's our horse?
+I think he likes it in that steam room.
+We better not keep him in there too long.
+He's liable to come out a pony.
+Willie, you're a genius for dreaming this up.
+Those BU guys will never think of looking for him in here.
+The horse's owner is coming over now to have a look at him.
+It's okay to let him in.
+Check.
+Uh-oh, here comes Professor Thornhill.
+What do we do?
+Don't panic.
+I'll handle him.
+Ah, MacIntyre.
+Hi, River.
+How's the steam today?
+Nice and warm, I hope?
+Oh, Professor, it's pretty hot in there.
+Maybe you ought to skip it today.
+The heat's liable to crack your glasses.
+Oh, I always leave my glasses outside.
+Ah!
+Oh, dear, oh, dear.
+Oh!
+Now, off we go.
+Who's that big fellow in there?
+Uh, that's Moose Jackson, sir.
+You better not go in there, sir.
+He's still sore at you because you flunked him in psychology.
+Oh, I had to fail him.
+In his last examination, he even spelt his name wrong.
+Oh, I beg your pardon.
+Here.
+I'm so sorry.
+Gentlemen, there is a horse in the steam room.
+A horse, sir?
+Yes, a horse.
+And don't tell me it's the moose.
+Well, sir, that horse is our new mascot, sir.
+We were hiding him from the BU guys.
+MacIntyre, what are you majoring in?
+Physics, sir.
+Oliver?
+Advanced electronics, sir.
+And to think, the free world is waiting for you scientists.
+Ed, I've been looking.
+Oh, sorry, sir, I thought you were someone else.
+Oh, it's quite all right.
+Tell me, young man, you always wear all your clothes in the steam room?
+Well, I... I have a cold.
+Oh, I see. That probably makes sense.
+By the way, by the way, have you noticed that we have two
+horses in that company?
+Nobody here, sir, just us and the horse.
+Just us and the horse.
+Tell me, young man, are you majoring in any science?
+No, sir.
+Oh, then there is hope for the world.
+Ed, it's good to see you.
+How are you, boy?
+Medium rare.
+Cheer up. He'll find another hiding place for you.
+By tomorrow, they'll have me up on a church steeple.
+Come on, enjoy yourself while you're here.
+Have fun with the kids.
+Hit them hard, hit them low.
+Come on, steak, go, go, go.
+My life is at stake in your cheering.
+I'm sorry about this, Ed.
+I'll make it up to you later.
+Just keep the services dignified and simple.
+You're not angry with me, are you?
+I'll see you at the game.
+Wilbur.
+Yeah?
+Close the door fast.
+These drafts are murder.
+By tomorrow, they'll have me up on a church steeple.
+My life is at stake in your cheering.
+Just keep the services dignified and simple.
+Wilbur.
+Honey, you ate so little at dinner.
+I fixed a little snack for you.
+Thank you, dear.
+Oh, darling, you're not still worried about Mr. Ed, are you?
+No, of course not.
+Wilbur.
+Wilbur.
+Wilbur, here they are.
+Four tickets on the 50-yard line.
+Oh, Roger, you shouldn't have bought them.
+I didn't buy them.
+They're a gift from the Sigma Nu Delta boys.
+Pretty good, huh?
+If I find him up on a church steeple, it's all your fault.
+Church steeple?
+What are you talking about?
+Oh, nothing.
+I'll get it.
+Hello?
+Yes, he's here.
+Who?
+One of the boys from the fraternity, Willie McIntyre.
+Let me take that.
+Hello?
+I've got some bad news for you about your horse.
+Bad news?
+What happened to him?
+That bunch from Brighton jumped us and stole him.
+What's wrong, dear?
+Mr. Ed.
+Mr. Ed's been stolen.
+Wilbur.
+Hello, Edna?
+Our boys did it to state you again.
+We've got their first mascot hidden at a riding academy.
+I'm sure they'll be happy to see you.
+I'm sure they'll be.
+I'm sure they'll be.
+I'm sure they'll be.
+I'm sure they'll be.
+I'm sure they'll be.
+I'm sure they'll be.
+I'm sure they'll be.
+And guess where the second one is?
+Right in the basement of our sorority house.
+Good evening, Sandy.
+Hello, Mrs. Davis.
+Linda, how did the boys ever get the horse out of that steam room?
+Weren't there any state boys guarding him?
+It was a breeze.
+I was a decoy.
+You mean they sent you into the steam room?
+Don't be ridiculous, Gloria.
+One of the boys told the boy guarding the steam room that a blonde wanted to see him outside.
+And he left his post?
+Honey, when he saw me, he would have left his country.
+And what did you do to keep him outside while our boys were stealing the horse?
+Well, we discussed the international situation.
+Girls, girls, hold it down.
+Mrs. Davis just came back.
+If she finds out the horse is right down here in the basement, we're in trouble.
+Do you think Mrs. Davis suspects anything?
+Not so far.
+She'd been so busy fixing up the house for Miss Pentecost's lecture.
+And what a subject for a lecture.
+Ornithology.
+That's for the birds.
+Oh, poor horse.
+He must be hungry.
+Let's fix him some poached eggs or something.
+Great idea.
+Poached eggs.
+There it is.
+Operator.
+Hello, honey.
+Will you get me state 11781?
+You can dial that number, sir.
+Dialing number.
+You can dial that number, sir.
+Uh, I can't see.
+Just broke my glasses.
+Very well, sir.
+I'll get it for you.
+If anything happens to that horse, I'm going to hold you responsible.
+Wilbur, stop worrying.
+I'm sure they'll find him.
+Hello.
+Hello.
+Hello, Wilbur.
+This is Ed.
+Where are you?
+They're holding me captive in a sorority house.
+Which one?
+Where?
+To whom are you talking?
+It's, uh, it's Max Trellefas.
+Where are you?
+Alpha Epsilon Mu house at Brighton U.
+I'll be right over.
+Hold on, pal.
+Come on, Roger.
+Where are you going, dear?
+They're holding Ed in a sorority house.
+Max Trellefas just phoned.
+Who's Max Trellefas?
+I don't know.
+Probably the house mother.
+Wilbur, I suggest I handle this.
+I've had experience with sororities in my time.
+I don't need any help.
+Now, I'm telling you, you'll never get in.
+Well, what can I do for you?
+I'm Mrs. Davis, the house mother.
+May I please come in for a moment?
+I'm sorry.
+No men are allowed in this house after 8 o'clock.
+I'm afraid I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+I'm afraid I can't.
+Well, I can't, either.
+If I were you, I would leave this house after 8 o'clock.
+But you've got my horse in there.
+If I were you, I'd go home and sleep it off.
+Now may I show you the proper approach?
+These women have to be handled with dignity and authority.
+How do you do?
+My name is Roger Addison.
+And I...
+I gotta get in there.
+Nobody can get by that female fullback except a woman.
+Wait a minute. Roger.
+I gotta get Ed out of there.
+And I think I have an idea.
+Come on.
+Wilbur, I know you love that horse, but I think this scheme of yours is absolutely ridiculous.
+I just gotta get my horse out.
+This is my only chance.
+It's impossible, unfeasible, unworkable.
+And my apologies, madam.
+Your mother-in-law's clothes fit me pretty good, eh?
+Much better than they fit her.
+Roger, forgive my bursting in like this, but I was so worried about Wilbur.
+He seems so upset.
+Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had company.
+Oh, uh, Mrs. Post, may I present Maxine Trelafas, the sorority housemother.
+How do you do?
+Where's Kay?
+At a meeting, as usual.
+Well, if you hear from Wilbur, will you let me know?
+Oh, of course, surely.
+Nice to have met you, Mrs.
+Trelafas.
+When Kay gets back, I'll tell her you called.
+Thank you, Roger.
+Bye-bye.
+Bye.
+Oh, boy, that was a close call.
+I'll see you later, Roger. Now I know this is gonna work.
+Not if you walk like that.
+Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams and I'm shopping for a sorority for my daughter.
+Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams and I'm shopping for a sorority for my daughter.
+Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams.
+Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams.
+Hello, I'm Mrs. Pentecost.
+Oh, do come in, we've been expecting you.
+Come in, Mrs. Pentecost.
+Pentecost.
+Yes.
+Girls, this is Miss Pentecost.
+Oh, how do you do?
+Nice to meet you, Miss Pentecost.
+We're all eagerly awaiting your lecture tomorrow morning.
+Well, thank you very much.
+You know, I think ornithology is a brilliant science, and I'm sure the girls will just love it.
+I will, too.
+Rory, would you please zip me up?
+Oh, surely.
+Excuse me.
+I'm so happy that you decided to let our sorority put you up for the night.
+The night?
+Yes.
+Oh, but I didn't bring any... any... at all.
+Miss Pentecost, you can use one of my nighties.
+Your nighties?
+Oh, well, I never sleep.
+I stay up all night.
+Wonderful, then we can all have a pajama party.
+Great idea.
+Yes.
+How about it?
+Yes.
+Well, I'll go and get some milk and cookies.
+Not on my account.
+No trouble at all.
+Ornithology is such a fascinating subject.
+It sure is.
+Please tell us about the blue-tailed finch.
+Well, I've... I've never been there.
+Is the food good?
+Oh, what a delightful sense of humor.
+Hello?
+What?
+They did?
+Oh, that's awful.
+Thanks, Tommy.
+What's wrong?
+That's funny.
+The dean knows we've got a horse in our basement.
+He's on his way over here right now.
+But how could he possibly know?
+Somebody must have squealed on us.
+Yeah, but who?
+Oh, we've got to get rid of that horse right away.
+Oh, please, Miss Pentecost, not a word to Mrs. Davis.
+You see, if she...
+Girls, girls, no need to worry.
+You just tell me where the basement is,
+and I will get rid of the horse for you,
+and no one will ever know.
+That's wonderful.
+You see, not only do I love birds, I also love horses.
+Come on, I'll show you the way.
+Yes.
+Oh, girls, girls, please.
+Why don't you just stay here and sort of keep watch?
+I'll find my own way.
+You keep watch.
+Hello, Ed. It's me.
+Scram, Grandma.
+Look, I've come to take you home. Let's go.
+Keep your powder dry, Bloomer Girl.
+Get out of here.
+You don't need to be the mascot.
+No thanks to you.
+What do you mean, no thanks to me?
+All the trouble I went to to get in here,
+and you say no thanks to me?
+Well, who do you think squealed?
+Who do you think phoned and told the dean I was here?
+You?
+Yes, Grandma Wilma.
+Let's go, Ed.
+Getting late, honey. Aren't you coming to bed?
+In a minute, dear.
+You've been looking at yourself for 20 minutes.
+I'm wondering what I'll look like when I get old.
+You'll always be beautiful.
+I hope so.
+I was over to the Addisons this evening,
+and I saw the saddest-looking little old lady.
+Come on, Ed. Little old lady, huh?
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E07 Ed the Lover.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,518 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+Hello, Mrs. Paulson.
+Hello, Henry.
+Mind signing this, please?
+Thank you.
+There you are.
+Thank you.
+Oh, would you please put the hay in the back?
+Hello, Carol.
+Of course.
+Oh, hi, Kate.
+Say, would you like some coffee and cake?
+Oh, no, sweetie.
+I just started a new diet, and I'll have to cut down on it.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I just started a new diet, and I'll have to cut down on some things.
+So, uh, just make a cake.
+You know, when I'm on a diet, I eat like a horse.
+Not as much as our horse.
+Do you know that's the fourth load of hay this week for Mr. Ed?
+Your horse has it pretty soft.
+He doesn't work, he takes naps all day, and he never stops eating.
+And I thought being a wife was the best racket.
+Well, love and learn.
+Hi, I'm on a diet, not a hunger strike.
+Carol, Carol.
+Oh, hi.
+Hi, Kate.
+Hi, Wilbur.
+Carol, did I get a call from Fred Briggs while I was gone?
+No, honey.
+That's funny.
+He said he'd call.
+Plans for his beach house are ready.
+Fred Briggs, isn't he the man who directs all those western movies?
+That's right.
+When you meet him, you don't know whether to shake hands or draw.
+Honey, I noticed a truffle with a hay outside.
+Did you order that?
+Me?
+I thought you did.
+No, I didn't order it.
+Then the horse must have ordered it.
+You know, I wouldn't put it past Ed.
+Oh, I mean, I did order it.
+I forgot.
+Excuse me.
+Carol, I read that Fred Briggs is starting another picture.
+Maybe you can get him to hire Mr. Ed.
+Hire Mr. Ed?
+That's a wonderful idea.
+That way, your horse can earn his keep.
+Can he do any tricks?
+Well, he has two specialties.
+Eating and sleeping.
+You, uh, you phoned the feed store again, didn't you, Ed?
+I thought I told you that I was the one to give the orders around here.
+That's the fourth load of hay we've had delivered this week.
+Well, I'm hungry.
+How come other horses don't eat as much as you do?
+Because they can't phone the feed store.
+I'm not trying to starve you.
+I would just like to know what is going on around here.
+Oh, please, Wilbur.
+Do I yell when you eat?
+Wilbur, Kay just had the most marvelous idea.
+When Mr. Briggs comes over,
+why don't you ask him if he'll hire Mr. Ed for his new resting?
+Gee, honey, I don't know.
+But we have nothing to lose.
+Well, honey, at least that way he'll be helping to pay his own way.
+You know, all that hay he eats is costing us a fortune.
+I don't know, honey.
+I mean, Mr. Briggs is coming over to take a look at these plans for his new beach house.
+I mean, it doesn't seem ethical to ask him for a personal favor.
+Well, think about it, Wilbur, huh?
+Hello, neighbor.
+Hi, Roger.
+What do you think?
+The Briggs beach house?
+Yeah.
+Oh, boy, fine.
+Yeah, great.
+Hey, that's quite a racket you got there, you know that?
+Build a man a house and rent him a horse at the same time.
+Oh, that?
+Oh, no, no.
+I told Carol to forget about Kay's idea.
+Kay's idea?
+Don't tell me my dear little wife has been interfering in your life again.
+Oh, take it easy, Roger.
+She meant well.
+The road to Reno is paved with good intentions.
+You know, it's time that wife of mine learned...
+Look, don't start any arguments with Kay on my account.
+I mean, I told Carol that I am not sending Ed to work, and that is that.
+Honey?
+Hello, Fred.
+Oh, hi, Wilbur.
+Fred, this is my neighbor, Roger Addison.
+This is Fred Briggs.
+How do you do, Mr. Briggs?
+Honey, guess what?
+Mr. Briggs said he'd use Mr. Edna's new movie.
+I'm afraid my horse will not be available for your picture, Fred.
+Okay, anything you say.
+Now, about these plans...
+Wilbur, I think I'll run along.
+Mr. Briggs, nice to meet you.
+Yes, my pleasure.
+And I'll see you folks tonight for bridge.
+My wife needs a few tips first.
+She needs some instructions on how to be a dummy.
+Bye, Roger.
+Bye.
+Kay, I like what you've done with the rumpus room.
+Thanks, but my idea carried further along.
+Will you please get us some coffee, Carol?
+Yes.
+And a carload of hay for Mr. Ed.
+As I was saying, I like the rumpus room.
+Wilbur, will you stop harping on Kay?
+I think her idea was very good about putting Mr. Ed to work.
+Now, please open that bridge table.
+The Addisons will be here any minute.
+You know, the next time we agree on something, I wish you would stick to it.
+I thought I was doing you a favor.
+Well, you weren't.
+Honey, I still say there's nothing wrong in Mr. Ed paying his way.
+Fine.
+Ed makes a few dollars and Briggs knocks a few hundred off the price of my plans.
+You're just being stubborn.
+I don't think so.
+Before we were married, you agreed that I would make all the decisions about money in this family.
+All right. From now on, you can.
+Fine.
+Would you put that in writing?
+No.
+I knew you didn't mean it.
+Wilbur, you're just being impossible tonight.
+You started it.
+You're always listening to Kay.
+Oh, you and your arguments. This is all your fault.
+I didn't know what I was doing, and you made me do it.
+I'm going for everything around here.
+Look, now, let's try to be civil while the Addisons are here.
+Let's not show them how happy we are.
+Now, Kay, I want you to promise me that you won't interfere in their lives again.
+I did not interfere.
+Why do you have to make the whole world miserable?
+I'm married to you. Let's keep it in the family.
+Oh, you stuffy.
+Oh, hello, Carol.
+Hi, Connie.
+Come, darling.
+Hi, Loki.
+Oh, Wilbur, bridge, bridge, bridge.
+You look beautiful.
+Well, thank you.
+Roger.
+Well, what would you like?
+What would I like?
+The usual.
+What would you like, sweetheart?
+Nothing for me, darling.
+Nothing for me either, sweetheart.
+Wilbur, why are you limping?
+Oh, it's not easy to open a bridge table, is it, honey?
+No, sweetheart.
+No, sweetheart.
+Addison, one leg is a little crooked.
+I knew that when I married you.
+Nut.
+What did you say, dear?
+Have a nut.
+Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
+I'll fix the table, Kay.
+Roger?
+Thank you.
+Magazine's out of balance.
+There we are.
+Pardon me.
+Oh, Roger, why don't you sit here facing your wife
+and I'll sit here facing my wife?
+There we are.
+Cut for deal?
+Darling, the table is still wobbly.
+Addison, will you fix it?
+Your wish is my command, dear heart.
+Roger, cut.
+Thank you.
+Oh!
+Look what you've done, you clumsy...
+doll.
+It was an accident, sweetheart.
+Don't blame him, Kay.
+I told Wilbur the table was still wobbly.
+I'm going to change.
+Maybe we can play some other night.
+Yes, perhaps tomorrow night.
+Darling, be careful.
+I don't want you to catch cold outside.
+You spilled that drink on purpose, you lummox.
+What a stupid remark to make.
+Are you calling me stupid?
+You called me a nut in there,
+and I warned you.
+You'd better put on my coat, darling.
+Kay, you forgot your bag.
+Oh, thank you, Wilbur.
+Well, good night again.
+Good night.
+Good night, Wilbur.
+Good night, Roger.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I'm going to change.
+I've changed!
+I've changed!
+Oh, you're going to change.
+I hope you're satisfied.
+You've changed.
+I hope you're satisfied.
+I hope you're satisfied.
+Bye.
+I hope you're satisfied.
+You ruined my whole evening.
+You ruined my whole evening.
+If it weren't for that darn horse,
+We wouldn't even be arguing.
+We wouldn't even be arguing.
+Honey, what's happening to us?
+Honey, what's happening to us?
+What are we arguing about?
+What are we arguing about?
+Don't you know that I love you?
+Don't you know that I love you?
+Oh.
+What are we arguing about?
+A silly thing like putting Mr. Ed to work.
+That's silly.
+He doesn't have to work.
+Then give me one good reason why he shouldn't.
+Because I make enough money
+to support a wife and a horse.
+When we got married,
+it should have been a three ring ceremony.
+Oh, that's ridiculous.
+A horse wearing a ring.
+Hello, information.
+I'd like the number of Fred Briggs in Beverly Hills.
+Whatever happened to good morning?
+Carol and I had a few words again last night.
+PHONE RINGS
+Well...
+Excuse me, Ed.
+Hello?
+Wilbur, my secretary just gave me your message.
+We'll pick up your horse tomorrow morning at 6.
+My horse?
+But listen, Fred...
+Oh, don't bother to thank me, Wilbur.
+It was a pleasure.
+Look, I must get back on the set.
+Goodbye.
+That was Fred Briggs.
+Carol went behind my back again.
+She didn't call.
+I called.
+You?
+That's right.
+But I thought you didn't want to go to work.
+Changed my mind.
+You... You're just trying to get me to work.
+Trying to keep peace in the family, aren't you?
+Please, don't slobber over me.
+I'm going to kill Carol.
+Honey?
+Honey, I've decided to send Ed to work.
+Oh, Wilbur, you're such a wonderful husband.
+Honey, honey, honey.
+Don't talk, just kiss me.
+I will if you'll stop sponging me.
+Now I know how Kay felt when Roger spilled the drink on her.
+I'm so terrible about that.
+Here we've made up and they're still not talking
+all on account of us.
+Maybe we should go and try to get them together.
+Oh, let's.
+Honey, you're so thoughtful.
+Yeah, yeah.
+Lucky for me we didn't make up while you were slicing bread.
+Is this the only dirty spot in the house under my legs?
+Don't talk to me.
+Sir.
+Do you intend to strike me?
+I sneezed.
+You could have said gesundheit.
+But you just gave me specific instructions
+not to talk to you.
+Still, you could be civil.
+When one of us sneezes, the other sneezes.
+I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+When one of us sneezes, the other should say gesundheit.
+Forgive me, my dear, I've forgotten the rules of war.
+In the nine years we've been married, I...
+Nineteen years.
+I don't count the ten years we weren't speaking.
+Now, my paper, please.
+Well, I see the rules have just been amended.
+Aren't you going to answer the door?
+Not until you gesundheit me.
+Good morning.
+Well, this is a pleasant surprise.
+Hi, Carol.
+Hello, Wilbur.
+Okay.
+Hi, Roger.
+Have you made up yet?
+Nice to see a friendly face around here.
+Well, we just dropped by to tell you Ed's going to work.
+Well.
+He starts that picture tomorrow.
+Good.
+What made you choose to come here?
+Well, I just thought I'd give you a little surprise.
+I'm going to be a doctor.
+I'm going to be a doctor.
+I'm just going to be a doctor.
+What made you change your mind?
+I didn't want Carol to be unhappy.
+We just feel awful when we're not talking.
+Gesundheit, my dear.
+Gesundheit to you, darling.
+All right.
+This is a run-through, everybody.
+Get set, Brannigan.
+Uh-oh.
+What's going on, girl?
+I don't know.
+Uh-oh.
+All right.
+Roll them.
+Roll them.
+Okay.
+Action.
+Okay.
+Action.
+Well, where's the horse?
+Hmm.
+Get that horse back where he belongs.
+Right away.
+Great.
+All right.
+Let's try it again.
+Okay.
+Ready, Brannigan?
+Ready.
+Charles?
+All right.
+Roll them.
+Roll them.
+Okay.
+Action.
+Action.
+Stop!
+What's with that horse?
+Maybe those gunshots are scaring him, Mr. Briggs.
+Uh, could be.
+Bring him back.
+Yes, sir.
+Brannigan, don't fire your gun this time.
+We can put in the shots later.
+That's very good thinking, Mr. Briggs.
+Thank you.
+All right, let's go.
+Charles.
+All right, roll.
+Roll.
+Action.
+Action.
+Lunch, everybody.
+Who told you to call lunch?
+I didn't say anything, Mr. Briggs.
+It must have been that same wise guy.
+All right, everybody, take a five-minute break.
+All right, everybody, five minutes.
+Five minutes, everybody.
+Hiya, Fred. How's my horse doing?
+Well, we've had our share of trouble.
+What's he doing over there?
+I'll get him away.
+Come on, Ed.
+How's it going, Ed?
+I'm quitting.
+Get my unemployment insurance.
+What's that?
+They want me to carry a 250-pound cowboy on my back.
+I'm not going to do that.
+I'm going to get a job.
+I've got a 250-pound cowboy on my back.
+I'll be bull-legged in two days.
+Uh-oh. Here comes hot lips again.
+Isn't this Daphne, the star of this picture?
+No, honey, I'm not interested.
+Ed, easy.
+She's worth a fortune.
+When I marry, it'll be for love, not money.
+Is Daphne here with this horse again?
+George, I thought I told you to get her ready.
+I'm sorry, Mr. Briggs. Come on.
+Now, uh...
+Fred, maybe Ed isn't cut out for movies.
+You want me to take him home?
+I'm glad you asked me.
+Frankly, I don't think your animal is too bright.
+Now he's a little bit nervous, you see.
+This is his first time in front of a camera.
+Incidentally, I have the revised sketches for the beach house whenever you have time.
+Oh, good, good. I'll drop around when I'm free.
+Okay, everybody, let's go.
+Lunch!
+Oh, here you are. Fresh cotton.
+Thanks.
+Sweetie, how long will Mr. Ed be in that picture?
+About six weeks.
+Wouldn't it be wonderful if he became famous?
+Oh, I can see your horse now.
+Walking down Hollywood Boulevard, wearing dark glasses, signing autographs.
+What an imagination.
+Carol, honey, do you think it would be possible for Wilbur
+to get us past us to watch him at the studio?
+Well, why go to all that trouble? Just turn your head and look.
+Wilbur, what's he doing home?
+Honey, it just didn't work out.
+Excuse me.
+Why? What happened?
+Well, they were working him pretty hard and Ed was unhappy.
+Unhappy?
+If you ask me, you never wanted that horse to go to work in the first place.
+Look, I never butt in, but I...
+Gesundheit, sweetheart.
+I didn't sneeze.
+You can do it in the house. Come on.
+So you went back on your word.
+Honey.
+Come in.
+Oh, hello, Wilbur.
+Ed, come in.
+Sit down, Ed.
+No.
+What's the matter?
+I may have to cancel my plans for the beach house.
+Why? What happened?
+It looks as though I may have to stop production on my picture.
+Daphne suddenly got sick.
+Sick?
+Oh, that's funny.
+She seemed all right yesterday.
+That's just it. The vet can't seem to find anything wrong with her.
+She just mopes around.
+Fred, I have a hunch what might be wrong with Daphne.
+You have? What?
+I think she's got a crush on my horse.
+Is that possible?
+I mean, with horses?
+You've heard about the birds and the bees.
+The horses are in on it, too.
+No, no, no.
+Daphne was hanging around your horse all day yesterday.
+Maybe you're right. Can I get him back on the picture?
+Well, uh, do I finish my plans?
+Yeah, sure. You got yourself a house.
+You got yourself a horse.
+Oh, uh, may I use your phone?
+It's right behind you.
+Hello, mate. Is George around?
+Yes, I'll wait.
+Uh, Fred, there are a few little conditions that you'll have to meet.
+You want more money?
+No, no, no, no. It's about that 6 a.m. schedule.
+My horse likes to sleep late.
+Okay, we'll make it 7.
+We better make it 8.
+No, I mean 9.
+Okay, 9.
+And no heavy cowboys in hand.
+Maybe up to...
+110 pounds.
+But no heavier.
+No lunches. He likes plenty of carrots.
+Not the green part. Cut that out.
+Well, but doesn't Mr. Ed look handsome standing there?
+He sure does.
+Okay, Charles.
+All right. Places, everybody.
+Places, everybody.
+Fred, did you make that little change in the script the way we discussed?
+Yes. Yes.
+Okay, let's have a run-through.
+Run-through. Places, everybody.
+Action. Action.
+Action.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E08 Pageant Show.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,430 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Hooray!
+Wilbur, here's the...
+All right, girls, at the sound of the bell, I want you both to come out fighting.
+I'm going to listen to my husband and come as a hunchback of Notre Dame.
+Why didn't you tell me you were coming as carmen?
+Well, I've been trying to phone you since last night, but your line's been busy.
+That's funny.
+You haven't used the phone.
+I thought so.
+Wilbur, you left the phone off the hook in the barn again.
+Must have been that horse.
+I mean, he must have knocked it off accidentally.
+I'll go and look.
+Excuse me.
+Is Wilbur coming to the pageant?
+No.
+Is Roger?
+No, I'm meeting with a little resistance.
+As soon as I bring up the subject, he locks himself in the bathroom.
+It's no fun without Wilbur.
+I wish I could think of some way to convince him to come along.
+Well, there is a way, darling.
+What?
+Before I tell you, one of us will have to resign from the Carmen Club.
+Well?
+Hey!
+You left the phone off the hook again.
+So I made a mistake.
+I'm only human.
+Why do you keep using that phone?
+I get lonely here all by myself.
+Yeah, well, Carol is blaming me, and I'm getting tired of your negligence.
+Ed, it is time you and I had a man-to-man talk.
+Okay.
+Take off the apron.
+Well, I was just helping Carol with the dishes.
+Wilbur!
+Yes, Roger?
+Now, don't let me interrupt your work.
+I thought maybe you might like to play golf Saturday.
+Not a bad idea.
+Now, the girls will be leaving for that parade about 12.
+We can tell them how beautiful they look, how sorry we are we can't join them,
+and then laugh all the way to the golf course.
+What do you say?
+Great.
+See you later.
+Hey, you know it's impossible to get you on the telephone?
+Uh-oh.
+Ed, if you use that phone once more, I am pulling it out.
+You understand?
+Yes, master.
+You forgot your apron, honey.
+Hey, what do you think? Isn't it beautiful?
+It's gorgeous.
+Oh, darling, you'll make a beautiful lane.
+Oh, thanks.
+But what good is a lane without Sir Lancelot?
+Here's the book.
+Just do what I told you.
+Tell him he looks like Sir Lancelot.
+But he doesn't.
+Wilbur's too smart.
+You can't soft-soap him.
+It'll work.
+Maybe with your husband, but not with mine.
+Oh, for heaven's sake, Carol.
+Here he comes now.
+Oh, good.
+Oh, hi, Wilbur.
+Hi, honey.
+Look, look at my new costume.
+Oh, that's beautiful.
+What's the matter?
+I'm having quite a resemblance.
+What, what, what?
+Here, let me see your profile.
+Oh, I wouldn't have believed it.
+Carol, wait till you see.
+It is simply the most marvelous thing I've ever seen in all my life.
+Let me see the other side.
+Just as good from the other side.
+Oh, it's just marvelous.
+Oh, here, do you have it?
+Goodbye, Kate.
+Thank you very much.
+Yeah.
+Same face.
+It's the same face, but I'll tell you what it is, dear.
+Oh, for heaven's sake.
+What, what, what's the resemblance?
+Oh, it's silly.
+What, what, what, what's silly?
+Kate says you look just like Sir Lancelot.
+What's so silly about that?
+Same face.
+Well, well, in that light, there is a resemblance.
+I mean, if I had a spear in my hand, there'd be no doubt about it.
+Get up, Merlin.
+Here's your spear, honey.
+Thank you.
+That's no way to hand anybody a spear.
+With a spear, the straw goes at that end.
+Coward!
+Oh, that's wonderful, honey.
+Now, would you show Harold Jensen how to hold a spear?
+Harold Jensen?
+You're going to let Harold Jensen be your knight at the pageant?
+Oh, he doesn't look anything like me.
+No, he doesn't, dear.
+I mean, whoever heard about pot-bellied Sir Lancelot?
+Charge!
+Please listen to me.
+I've got to find a Don Jose by tomorrow.
+Oh, my dear, how about me?
+Oh, you're not listening.
+I...
+You?
+Of course.
+I'd make a beautiful toreador.
+Ah-ha, toro.
+Vamos, torito.
+Ah-ha, oh, yee.
+Oh, Addison, I'd have never dreamed of asking you, but you'd be perfect.
+Why, naturally.
+I have the figure, the bearing, the carriage, and look at these legs.
+Can you imagine these two beauties in silk stockings?
+Oh, Addison, thank you so much.
+My dear, think nothing of it, because I won't be there.
+Addison, that was a dirty trick leading me on.
+My dear, you're going to have to find another Don Jose, because this bullfighter is going to play golf Saturday.
+Very well.
+I won't go to the pageant.
+Suit yourself, my dear.
+I'm going to go on the biggest shopping spree you ever saw.
+Where do I go for my Don Jose costume?
+Hello, Ed.
+Hmm.
+What's new?
+Don't know.
+I missed the morning newscast.
+I tried to catch up with you, Wilbur.
+Hello, Roger.
+What are you limping for?
+Oh, I was practicing putting in my backyard for our game tomorrow, and I twisted my ankle.
+Oh, that's a shame.
+I was looking forward to beating you, too.
+Sorry, old man.
+Hello, Roger.
+Hello, Carol.
+Honey, your costume will be ready in about 30 minutes.
+Oh.
+Good.
+Costume?
+Didn't he tell you?
+No.
+He's going to be Sir Lancelot in the pageant.
+Him?
+Celeste?
+Oh, boy.
+What's so funny?
+Kay is waiting for you to try on your costume.
+His costume?
+Didn't he tell you?
+No.
+Well, he's coming as Don Jose, the bullfighter.
+Oh.
+Oh, I forgot something.
+Don Jose, the bullfighter.
+Hey, that's cute.
+How did you get roped into this?
+Kay hit me in my weak spot, my money belt.
+How about you?
+Just stupidity.
+See you later, Lancelot.
+Bye, Don Jose.
+Don Jose.
+Lancelot.
+What fools these mortals be.
+Ed, there are times when a man has to give in to his wife.
+No wife of mine would make me parade five miles in a hot sun.
+Wilbur, here's part of the outfit Miss Ed's going to wear.
+Oh, so Ed is going to march in the parade, too, huh?
+Well, Elaine and Sir Lancelot need a horse, so I figured we might as well use Miss Ed.
+Good idea.
+I mean, after all, why should we walk five miles in the hot sun when we can ride on the back of good old Ed?
+Look, aren't these pretty?
+Bells and tassels and plumes.
+Yes.
+You know, we could tie a great big red bow in his tail.
+Harold, I want to talk to you.
+I tried to get you on the phone, but your line was busy.
+Look.
+Wilbur.
+That does it.
+I warned you.
+What?
+I warned you.
+I did.
+I warned her that if I did this once more, I'd take the phone out, and I'm going to.
+Hello, operator.
+I would like to have an extension phone removed, please.
+The name is Wilbur Post.
+The address is 17340 Valley Boulevard.
+Charge!
+Hey!
+What are you doing?
+Sorry, I was practicing with my spear.
+That's nice, sonny.
+Oh, will you tell your mother the telephone man is here to take out the phone?
+Hmm?
+Hmm?
+Look, I'm Mr. Post, the owner.
+The phone is in the bar.
+Oh, right over there.
+Thank you.
+Why are we whispering?
+I don't want him to know the phone is coming out.
+You don't?
+Who?
+The horse.
+The horse?
+He doesn't want the phone to come out.
+The horse doesn't?
+That's right.
+Look, sonny, will you play with your spear and let me get the phone out?
+Leave that phone alone.
+Hello, stupid.
+Who's that?
+Where are you?
+On the roof.
+Do you want the phone in or out?
+In.
+Go home.
+What are you doing?
+Playing games with me?
+Playing games?
+Yeah.
+First you tell me to leave the phone in, then you tell me to pull it out?
+Make up your mind, will you?
+Oh, well, I'm sorry. There's been a misunderstanding.
+You can take the phone out.
+I must have done something real bad when I was a kid.
+Ed, that phone is going out.
+If it does, I don't walk in the parade.
+Is that supposed to be a threat?
+You can ride on a big dog for all I care.
+You are going to be in that parade.
+You'll have to carry me.
+Oh, Carol, you look lovely.
+Oh, thank you.
+So do you.
+Thank you.
+Where's Roger?
+Oh, he's right...
+Oh, Addison, come on in.
+Kate, if I didn't go, how much shopping would you do?
+Six hours and four credit cards.
+Olé.
+This is the last time I buy a suit off the rack.
+At last, they're putting men up in cans.
+Wilbur, all we can do is pray for rain.
+Please. This suit is not guaranteed against rust.
+When I'm ready, you better get Mr. Ed dressed.
+My lance locked.
+Uh-oh, here he comes.
+I'm going to teach that phone puller a lesson.
+Come on, Ed, it's time for the parade.
+It's growing dark.
+Where is everybody?
+Ed, they're waiting. I've got to get you dressed.
+Is that you, Mother?
+Get up and stop horsing around.
+I hear voices, but not on the phone.
+Ed, for the last time...
+Please, you're yelling at a sick horse.
+I brought some extra milk.
+What's wrong with Mr. Ed?
+He is perfectly all right.
+Wilbur, he's coughing. Maybe I better call a vet.
+There is nothing wrong with him.
+Then why is he coughing?
+He's faking, Carol. Believe me.
+Oh, honey, I know you're thinking of me,
+but we can't go off and leave Mr. Ed when he's sick like that.
+There'll be other pageants. Let's forget about it.
+I'll go call a vet.
+No, Carol, please.
+Oh, that was a dirty trick.
+Are you going to let her miss that parade?
+Is that you, Mother?
+Mother?
+Oh, brother.
+I absolutely refuse to wear this ridiculous ponytail.
+But darling, all bullfighters wear that funny little hairpiece.
+Some of them also get gored, but we've got to stop some place.
+Okay.
+I have bad news. Mr. Ed is sick.
+Oh, the poor thing.
+We can't leave him alone, so you two better go on without us.
+He's not missing the pageant.
+I'm afraid so.
+Well, well, how do you feel today, old fella?
+Oh!
+Oh!
+Hmm? Doesn't look bad at all.
+Nice color.
+Huh? Lymph nodes feel all right.
+I still say he's faking.
+You better not be too sure of that, Mr. Post.
+After all, the poor thing can't talk, you know.
+But...
+Is he all right, Doctor?
+Heart feels fine.
+Sounds very good.
+I think all this fellow needs is a good shot of vitamins.
+Now, be afraid, old fellow.
+Dr. Connors isn't going to hurt you.
+This won't hurt one bit, though.
+I told you he was all right.
+Come on, honey, you better tell the Addison's.
+Doctor, do you think he's all right to leave for a few hours?
+Oh, he seems fine.
+Well, if you're sure...
+Come on, honey.
+PHONE RINGS
+Hello?
+Oh, hi, Wilbur.
+Really?
+Wonderful.
+Oh, Addison, the horse is all right, and we're going to the pageant.
+Lee?
+Mr. Ed.
+Oh, come on. Don't worry.
+Dr. Connors knows what he's doing.
+Mr. Post! Mr. Post!
+Mr. Post!
+What happened?
+Your horse pushed me down.
+I think he wanted to sit on me.
+Wilbur, I just knew there was something wrong with Mr. Ed.
+But he showed no symptoms at all.
+He must be psychologically disturbed.
+Doctor, do you know of any horse-sitting service?
+Honey, that's a wonderful idea.
+Doctor, would you mind staying with Mr. Ed till we get back?
+Well, I could be back, but it would cost you so much.
+It'll be worth it.
+Honey, I know how much this pageant means to you.
+Yes, but we still need a horse.
+I'll rent one from the Brunswick Stables.
+They're right down the road. You call the Addisons. I'll be right back.
+Come on, Doctor.
+So they got someone else.
+Well, I'll fix him.
+Oh, Carol, hold still, will you? You're rigging like a fish.
+Would you please get that?
+I can't get the pin in. Wait a minute, will you?
+Let me know if I hit your brain.
+Did I?
+I'm Dr. Connors.
+How do you do, Doctor? Come in.
+Hello, Doctor.
+Sorry I couldn't get here any sooner.
+Oh, we really appreciate you coming back.
+That's perfectly all right.
+Excuse me. I'll call my husband.
+Wilbur! Dr. Connors is here.
+Coming, honey.
+Giddyap, Josephine.
+Honey, look!
+Now we can't go.
+What's the use? I better tell the Addisons.
+Don't call us. We'll call you.
+Come, Carmen.
+Well, I'll tell Dr. Connors we don't need him anymore.
+Hello, Miss Dad.
+How do you feel, huh?
+Oh, you've had a rough day, haven't you?
+I know what was the matter with you.
+You were lonesome, weren't you?
+Oh, I'm so sorry.
+Oh, you're a good horse.
+Honey.
+I didn't know you liked Ed that much.
+Well, I feel sorry for him.
+I'll bet if he knew how happy it would make you,
+he'd want to go to the pageant.
+Well, I just wonder if he's well enough.
+Look!
+He's his old self again.
+He is.
+Tell the Addisons.
+All right.
+You tell them.
+Okay.
+Let's tell them together.
+Good morning, Ed.
+Good morning.
+I've been thinking, Ed.
+That was a real nice gesture going to the pageant yesterday.
+It sure was.
+You know, if you promise to behave,
+I'll put the phone back in the barn, okay?
+You've got my word.
+Okay, I'll go in the house and call the company.
+Wilbur, use the phone in the office.
+Okay.
+Hey.
+Who phoned the company to put this back?
+Ed?
+It's growing dark.
+Where is everybody?
+Is that you, Mother?
+Hmm?
+JAPOAN
+Booyakity yak a streak and waste your time a day
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this!
+I am Mr. Ed
+The End
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E09 The Aunt.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,491 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course.
+Talk to Mr. A.
+Get back in the barn, Ed.
+That was no horse, that was my wife.
+Lemonade and cookies for the master of the house.
+You're not going to lift a finger during your vacation.
+Nobody has worked harder than you have finishing those plans for the Quigley Medical Building.
+Another bite of cookie, please.
+You're not going to do a thing.
+Napkin.
+Yes, my lord.
+Just rest and enjoy the sun.
+Now I want you to take a nice long nap.
+Carol.
+Yes, dear.
+Close my eyes.
+Boy, this is what I call living.
+Not enough sugar.
+Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
+Did I disturb you?
+How was the lemonade?
+Not enough sugar.
+Would you like another glass?
+No, thank you, honey.
+No.
+Will you just relax?
+Rest.
+Isn't she a wonderful wife?
+Boy, there's nothing like marriage.
+Big deal.
+One week off, 51 weeks slaving.
+No, you're wrong, Ed.
+It's a great life.
+There's nothing like having a wonderful wife.
+Someone to come home to at night.
+Someone to share your sorrows, your joys, your...
+You've been out in the hot sun too long.
+Hi, Roger.
+Maybe a week's vacation isn't enough.
+Well, sit down, neighbor.
+Oh, no.
+I couldn't get up again.
+Where's Kay?
+She's waiting for me.
+My dear wife has had me rearranging furniture all morning.
+Not again.
+You're probably ready for a week's rest yourself.
+If that woman has me move one more stick of furniture, hello, dear, where do you want
+me to move the couch?
+Addison, doll, I just realized where the piano really belongs.
+Carnegie Hall?
+Near the bookshelf.
+And I promise you, sweets, this will be the last move.
+It better be, because the next move is me out of the house.
+Oh, come on, muscles.
+Yes?
+It's for you.
+Thanks, Ed.
+Hello?
+Wilbur Honey, this is your Aunt Martha.
+Aunt Martha?
+Well, where are you calling from?
+From the railroad station, dear.
+The railroad station?
+Yes.
+Didn't you get my letter?
+No, Aunt Martha, we weren't expecting you, but it's wonderful.
+I'll be right down to pick you up.
+How's Carol?
+Oh, she's fine, Aunt Martha.
+Look, where will I pick you up?
+Well, I'll meet you where they stack the trunks and suitcases.
+The old bag up front will be your Aunt Martha.
+Goodbye, dear.
+I won't be long.
+Oh, my.
+One does get so grumpy, doesn't one?
+Right this way, Aunt Martha.
+Thank you, dear.
+You know, I simply cannot understand what could have happened to my letter.
+It must have gotten lost.
+No, it's not important.
+How long will you be able to stay with us, Aunt Martha?
+Oh, a few days.
+I'll be back in a few days.
+I'll be back in a few days.
+I'll be back in a few days.
+I'll be back in a few days.
+I'll be back in a few days.
+Oh, that's not important, how long will you be able to stay with us, Aunt Martha?
+Oh, I just love your house.
+Stick them up, stick them up.
+Isn't Tootsie clever?
+It's a hose, it's a hose.
+Where did she learn that?
+Oh, she just loves to watch those detective stories on television.
+Oh, how cute.
+Isn't it amazing how a bird can tongue?
+I don't know, I got a horse.
+Drinks lemonade, eats hay, trots.
+Isn't that nice?
+That's my Wilbur, he still has the same imagination he had as a little boy.
+Don't you, Weeby?
+Weeby?
+When Wilbur was a little boy.
+Please, Aunt Martha.
+He was so cute.
+I used to bounce him up and down on my knee and I'd say, what's your name, honey?
+Well, he couldn't say Wilbur, so he used to say, Weeby.
+Weeby, Weeby.
+Shall we go in?
+Look at that gorgeous backyard.
+You know, that's what I like about it.
+Wilbur did all the landscaping himself.
+He did?
+That's right.
+It only cost me $200 more than if I'd hired a gardener.
+That's my same little Weeby.
+Honey, would you please get the suitcases?
+Yeah.
+Aunt Martha.
+Yes, dear?
+I'll show you to your room.
+I'm sure after that long trip, you'd like a nice rest.
+Rest?
+In all the wonderful places there are to see in California?
+Oh, no, my dear.
+Not at all.
+Now then, I've made out a little list.
+Aunt Martha, this week is Wilbur's vacation.
+Oh, how wonderful.
+Then I won't be interfering with your work while you're showing me around.
+That's right, Aunt Martha.
+Isn't it, Carol?
+Yes, Weeby.
+Aunt Martha, the bedrooms are upstairs.
+I'll show you to...
+Oh, fine.
+I'd like to take my jacket and hat off.
+It's all too heavy.
+I'll get the suitcases.
+Anybody home?
+Stick them up!
+Stick them up!
+It's a holdup!
+It's a holdup!
+Don't shoot.
+Please, don't shoot.
+Stick them up!
+Stick them up!
+They are up.
+My money's in my left-hand pocket.
+Stick them up!
+Stick them up!
+Don't do anything rash, Deborah.
+Don't do anything rash.
+Get your hands up.
+Roger.
+Are you afraid of that loudmouth bird?
+When I get through with him, he'll be behind bars.
+No, don't antagonize him.
+He's armed.
+Look behind you.
+It's a parrot.
+What?
+Then who took my money?
+I did, doll.
+There's $20 missing.
+It's a holdup!
+It's a holdup!
+If I had pretty Polly, I'd have a mink coat in no time.
+I'd have him stuffed.
+Where did you get him, Wilbur?
+In a police lineup?
+Hims or her.
+Tootsie, Aunt Martha's parrot.
+Aunt Martha?
+Having company?
+Just arrived.
+She's a wonderful person.
+Practically brought me up.
+Ah, here she is.
+Hi.
+Andy, I'd like you to meet my wonderful neighbors, Kay and Roger Addison.
+This is my Aunt Martha.
+How do you do?
+How do you do?
+Any friend of Weeby's is a friend of mine.
+Weeby?
+Oh, that's what he called himself when he was a baby.
+He couldn't say Wilbur.
+Oh, how precious.
+Just adorable.
+He was the most beautiful child I ever saw.
+He had gorgeous blue eyes and long lashes and a head full of golden curls.
+Long lashes and golden curls.
+What a shame I didn't know you then.
+I wasted my youth on Mary Pickford.
+I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+Uh, shall I take the parrot up to your room, Aunt Martha?
+Oh.
+Well, now, we're going to be out most of the time and I wouldn't want Tootsie to be alone.
+Oh, we could put her in the barn with our horse.
+A horse.
+Why, that's perfect.
+Tootsie loves animals.
+Good.
+Let's go, Tootsie.
+Oh.
+Wilbur is my favorite nephew.
+I just know I'm going to enjoy this visit.
+How long you staying, Aunt Martha?
+Well, that depends.
+Carol, I must see your picture.
+Certainly, Aunt Martha. This way for the 25-cent tour.
+Ah! Stick him up! It's a hold-up! It's a hold-up!
+Stick him up! Ah! Ah! Ah!
+A talking bird. What'll they think of next?
+Ed, this is Tootsie, Aunt Martha's parent.
+Tootsie's gonna be staying with you for a while.
+Well, who sent for her?
+Stick him up!
+Ah! Shut your cotton-picking beak!
+You might learn a few things from Tootsie.
+She seems to be a very smart bird.
+Yeah, and what's she doing in jail? Hmm?
+Come on, Tootsie.
+There. We'll put you right over here.
+Honey, I'm starting lunch. Anything special?
+Anything. Where's Aunt Martha?
+In the living room, adding to that list of places she wants to see.
+Kay and Roger went home.
+Excuse me.
+Darling, it's your vacation, don't you think?
+Yeah, honey, it's your first trip, I hear.
+Dear, she's a very sweet person, but you've been working so hard, you need the rest.
+I'll get it when she leaves.
+Oh, from the looks of that list, that won't be till after Christmas.
+You're just exaggerating. Look, I'll show you how tired I am.
+Where's my Tootsie?
+Oh, now you mustn't be bashful in front of me.
+Go ahead, Wilbur. Smooch.
+Why, Wilbur, you're blushing.
+Oh, he always was shy.
+I remember when he was four years old at a birthday party,
+a little girl tried to kiss him and he ran away and hid under the bed.
+What's so fun...
+What do you think of Mr. Ed?
+Oh, he's a beautiful animal, but you can't beat a parrot when it comes to cleverness.
+You are so right.
+Well, I'd better start lunch.
+Then later we can all sit on the patio and relax.
+Relax? What are we, a bunch of old fogies?
+Oh, no. Now, let's start doing the town right after lunch.
+Wilbur is a bit tired and was planning to take it easy today.
+Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I didn't realize that.
+Well, now don't you worry, Wilbur. I can manage.
+Well, wait a minute, though. I think I'd better drive you.
+Oh, you don't have to, dear. Although the Addisons and I will miss you.
+The Addisons?
+Yes, yes. I invited them along, too. They're such a friendly couple.
+Well, then it's only fair that we go in our car. Right, Carol?
+Of course.
+You've got yourself a wonderful wife.
+Come on, dear. I'll help you fix lunch.
+Weebie.
+Ha, ha, ha.
+Stick him up. Stick him up.
+Ah, knock it off, stupid.
+Stick him up. Stick him up. It's a holdup. It's a holdup.
+Ah, stick him up. Stick him up. It's a holdup. It's a holdup.
+Ah, ah, ah.
+Oh, you taste good barbecued.
+Will you quit teasing Tootsie?
+This bird's driving me nuts.
+Ed, you've been beefing for three days.
+She's kept me up for three days.
+Look at the circles under my eyes.
+Well, you're just going to have to put up with Tootsie. That's all.
+Stick him up. Stick him up.
+Shut up. Is that all you know?
+Good news, Wilbur.
+Stick him up.
+Stick him up. That's the second time in three days she's held you up.
+Your Aunt Martha has just given us today's itinerary.
+Oh, no. We've been on the go ever since she got here.
+So far, the only thing I haven't seen is the city dump.
+That's your first stop.
+Oh.
+No, seriously. Today she intends seeing Knott's Berry Farm and Disneyland.
+Well, what's the good news?
+I'm not going.
+How did you get out of this?
+Wilbur?
+Yes, Aunt Martha?
+Wilbur, dear, we're all ready to go to...
+Oh, poor Roger. How's your neck now, dear?
+Still stiff.
+No, I'm awfully sorry I won't be able to go with you.
+I've always wanted to see the city dump.
+Oh, dear. Poor man. What he's going through.
+All right, Wilbur, come on. Carol's waiting.
+Yes.
+Oh!
+Where's the mother dog?
+My back. I sprained it.
+Oh, I know how to fix that. Turn around, dear.
+And let your arms hang.
+Yeah, well...
+That's it.
+Ooh!
+There now. I told you we'd be home before midnight.
+You're right, Aunt Martha. It's just two minutes to twelve.
+We were lucky. The customs guard at the Mexican border let us right through.
+Well, he knew I was an American the minute I said, merci beaucoup.
+Isn't he cute?
+Did I ever tell you I used to bounce him up and down on my knee when he was a little boy?
+Yes, you did, Aunt Martha.
+He was such a joy. He had the most gorgeous blue eyes.
+Well, I'll be right back. Now, don't either of you go away.
+Oh, we won't.
+You used to bounce me up and down on your knee before she came.
+Honey, I promise you, the minute she leaves, I'll bounce you all over the place.
+Very funny. Do you know you haven't kissed me once today?
+Well, get ready to chalk one up.
+Oh, how sweet.
+Now, I told you, you must be bashful in front of me.
+Go ahead, Wilbert. Kiss her.
+Thank you, Mr. Post.
+What are you doing with the robe and slippers?
+Oh, I thought I'd sleep down here on the couch tonight.
+Don't you like your bedroom?
+Did Carol make the beds wrong?
+Oh, no. No.
+I didn't want to bring it up, but it's that jasmine bush just outside my window.
+Oh, I forgot your allergy.
+Aunt Martha's allergic to jasmine. I should have remembered.
+How's it going?
+No, it doesn't. I'll go get a pillow and some blankets.
+No, we can't let her sleep down here on the couch.
+Then where will she sleep?
+Well, there's no jasmine bush outside our window. She can sleep in our bedroom.
+Won't we be a little crowded?
+Oh, no. I'll sleep in Aunt Martha's room.
+Now, why didn't I think of that?
+Oh, now, Carol, Wilbert, I'll be perfectly comfortable down here.
+Oh, no. I insist, Aunt Martha. It will give us a chance to get better acquainted.
+Yes, and then I can show you the family album of pictures of Wilbert when he was a little boy.
+That's wonderful. I can hardly wait to see his long, golden curls.
+Oh, you'll just love them.
+Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to say goodnight to Tootsie.
+Well, you've just fulfilled the dream of every American girl,
+to share her bedroom with her husband's aunt.
+Honey, it'll just be for one night.
+Let's just be friends.
+We be.
+We be.
+One, two, cha-cha-cha. One, two, cha-cha-cha.
+One, two, cha-cha-cha. One, two, cha-cha-cha.
+One, two, cha-cha-cha.
+Now, sleep well, dear.
+I love you.
+I love you. I love you.
+Oh, you smart little birdie.
+Good night, Tootsie.
+If you're so smart, say Peter Piper pick a pick a pickle peppers.
+Peter, Peter, Peter, pick them up. It's a hold up.
+I knew it. You're stupid.
+I love you. I love you.
+Smart, huh? Well, I got a way to fix you, sister.
+I love you. I love you.
+Oh, Wilbur, my favorite jasmine bush.
+Well, you want me to put it back?
+No, no, no. Dig faster.
+Welcome home, dear.
+I'll go help Aunt Martha take her clothes back to her own bedroom.
+Yeah.
+Good morning, Wilbur. Hi, Roger. Oh, no, no, no, no. You shouldn't have done it.
+What? They're bound to search for her.
+Oh, Roger. Don't worry about me. I won't testify against you.
+Wilbur, Wilbur.
+Tootsie's gone. She's not here.
+Oh, Wilbur.
+Wilbur, Wilbur.
+Wilbur, Wilbur.
+Wilbur, Wilbur.
+Wilbur, Wilbur.
+She's gone. She's not here.
+Tootsie, where are you? What do you mean, she's gone?
+She's just gone. She's just not here.
+The last time I saw her, she was in her cage right on this stool.
+Aunt Martha, don't get excited. Now, we'll find her.
+No, you don't think that a cat got her to the apartment bed?
+It may take time, but I'm sure we'll find her.
+I wouldn't sleep with that.
+All right, Ed, what have you done with the parrot?
+What parrot?
+Ed, where did you hide that parrot?
+You don't have a search warrant, but come on in and look.
+Excuse me, Ed.
+Wilbur, Wilbur.
+Yes, Carol?
+I just heard about Tootsie.
+Do you think one of the kids in the neighborhood could have taken her?
+Kids?
+Just look.
+I wonder if bird napping is a federal rap.
+Well, I've scoured the neighborhood.
+No sign of Tootsie.
+Sure is a mystery.
+Oh, here's Wilbur. Any luck?
+No.
+Aunt Martha's just sick about this.
+You know, she went up to her room.
+Why don't we buy her another parrot?
+Won't help.
+Aunt Martha just poured her heart out to me.
+Do you know she's had Tootsie for 25 years?
+That long?
+Ever since her husband died.
+That bird's been her closest friend all that time.
+She must be a very lonely person.
+She's always so happy.
+I think that's a cover-up.
+You know something else?
+I don't think she sent us any letter.
+I was thinking the same thing.
+She was probably afraid we'd turn her down.
+Come on, let's go cheer her up.
+Hello?
+Wilbur, Tootsie's back.
+That's wonderful!
+Thank you, officer.
+Tootsie's back.
+Aunt Martha, Tootsie's back!
+I love you. I love you.
+Stick him up. It's a hold-up.
+Forgive me, Tootsie, for hiding you in that ash can.
+Tootsie, sweetheart!
+Yes, baby, where were you?
+Yes, darling.
+Where did you go?
+I wonder who could have brought her back.
+Yes, dear.
+Yes, dear, sweet boy, but where were you, darling?
+Mommy was...
+Now, we'll talk about that.
+Yes, I wonder who.
+Ed, I just dropped by to tell you Aunt Martha had a wonderful visit.
+You know, the Addisons really took a liking to her.
+Well, good night, Ed. Sleep well.
+Where are you going?
+Why?
+I'm lonely. Talk to me.
+I've got to get some sleep.
+Tootsie was never too busy to talk to me.
+Talk to me.
+You really miss her since Aunt Martha took her home, huh?
+I can't sleep anymore without noise.
+Talk to me. Come on, talk to me.
+Okay, Ed.
+Stick him up, stick him up! It's a whole rabbit!
+People yakety yak the street and waste your time a day
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this!
+I am Mr. Ed
+The End
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E10 The Missing Statue.autogenerated.txt

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+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Good morning, Ed.
+I said good morning, Ed.
+Sorry, my mind was on something else.
+No.
+Hello.
+No, operator, nobody here put in a call to Pimlico Racetrack.
+Must be some mistake, operator.
+Ed?
+I haven't made a long distance call in weeks.
+Let's see, bills, bills, bills.
+Grocery bill, electric bill, gas bill.
+Do you see a telephone bill that was right here?
+Ed?
+Don't ask me.
+Don't you look at me with those baby brown eyes.
+Hand it over.
+Here it is.
+Thank you.
+Six calls to Pimlico.
+Ed, why are you calling a racetrack?
+Well, I'm worried. My niece is about to run her maiden race.
+Six calls? That's a fortune.
+Wilbur, I promised my sister I'd keep an eye on her kid.
+By any chance have you seen Kay this morning? There's nobody at my house.
+Yeah, she and Carol went shopping. They're having dollar day downtown.
+The last time they had dollar day downtown, Kay bought downtown.
+Oh, we must be in the wrong store.
+Nothing in here looks like it only costs a dollar.
+Oh, Kay, look at all these beautiful pieces.
+That was me before my diet.
+Good morning. May I help you?
+Good morning. I like this.
+Isn't it, darling? It's really a conversation piece.
+How much is it?
+Only $300.
+That's the end of that conversation.
+Oh, may I help you?
+This is so different. I could wear it to the theater.
+What is it?
+It's a rug.
+Kay, look. Wouldn't this make a perfect lamp base for my living room?
+Isn't it interesting? It has its origins in mythology.
+It's a Chinese piece and a steal at only $50.
+$50? Oh, I just love it, but I'm afraid my husband would think I was being too extravagant.
+Honey, buy it. Wilbur will always be around.
+The statue may not.
+Perfect lamp base.
+Carol?
+Yes, dear?
+Honey, we are loaded with bills this month.
+We've just got to start saving money.
+You're right, dear.
+I mean, yeah, this one. Andre's Beauty Shop.
+What are you doing, patronizing him or adopting him?
+I'm trying to keep attractive for you, honey.
+And this, this little beauty, the electric light bill.
+You'd think we were holding night baseball games.
+You're absolutely right, honey.
+Carol, I'm going to go get my stuff.
+Carol?
+Yes, dear?
+I mean, I don't want you to think I'm picking on you, but I think we should try to hold expenses down.
+Oh, I couldn't agree with you more.
+I don't want to deny you anything, dear, but I think for a while we should try to just buy the essentials.
+You're absolutely right, honey.
+I don't mean to suggest that you should stop going to the beauty parlor or stop buying clothes,
+but promise me you'll use a little discretion.
+Okay, honey.
+That's my girl.
+It didn't cost much, darling. Do you like it?
+That depends. How much did it cost?
+Fifty.
+Fifty?
+Fifty cents.
+No.
+But, honey, there's a fascinating story connected with this statue.
+Would you like to hear about its past?
+No, but I can tell you its future. It is going back.
+I can't take it back. There was a sign in the store, all sales final.
+Then I'll take it back.
+Honey, from now on, let's really try to economize, shall we?
+Yes, operator. I'm ready for the Pimlico call.
+Hello. Are you the trainer of the Philly Little Princess?
+That's right. This is Joe King. Who are you?
+Mr. Edwards.
+I understand Little Princess is running her maiden race tomorrow.
+That's right. What about it?
+You shouldn't work her out too early in the morning.
+Why not?
+I know her family. They're late sleepers.
+She hasn't been training too well lately.
+Are you sure you know what you're talking about?
+Buddy, you're getting it right from the horse's mouth.
+Well, I'll try anything.
+I'll call you back later.
+What have you got there, Wilbur?
+Oh, nothing. Just a statue.
+Oh.
+Ming Dynasty, huh?
+How do you know?
+Maybe I didn't go to college, but I'm not stupid.
+Wilbur, how about nine holes, huh?
+Oh, love to, but I'm afraid not, Rog.
+Hey, wait a minute. What's that?
+Oh, Carol made a foolish purchase. I'm taking it back.
+Can you imagine paying $50 for that?
+What is it?
+Don't ask me. All I know is she wants to make it into a lamp.
+Well, if she wanted a lamp, why didn't she buy a lamp?
+You don't know my wife.
+If she bought a lamp, she'd want to make it into a vase.
+Something I can do for you, sir?
+Yes, I'd like to return something.
+Oh.
+My wife bought this here.
+She's changed her mind.
+I'm sorry, sir.
+She only bought it an hour ago.
+It's still warm.
+I'd like to keep my cash box the same way.
+I wish you'd take it back.
+We really have no use for it.
+I thought your wife wanted to make a lamp out of it.
+She wants to make a lamp out of everything.
+You stand still for a second, she shoves a bulb in your mouth.
+Then you'll take it back?
+No.
+I know you're not obligated to take the statue back, but you'd be doing me a very big favor.
+Please?
+I do so hope you're not going to cry.
+Oh, all right.
+But promise me you won't tell anyone that I refunded your money.
+I won't even tell my wife.
+I said to this antique dealer of yours, look, either I get my money back...
+Yes, you told me, dear.
+Look, doesn't that trout look delicious?
+Look, what is going on around here?
+Oh, dear, you told me to economize, and you'll be very proud of me.
+There was a sale on fish downtown, and I bought 30 pounds.
+30 pounds?
+We'll be eating fish for days.
+Yes, but think of all the money we'll save on chicken and steak and roast beef.
+Oh, wait a minute.
+I had fish balls for hors d'oeuvres, I just had clam chowder, and now trout.
+What have you got for dessert? Fish cakes?
+Oh, you spoiled my surprise.
+Well, honey, what's for breakfast?
+Fried fish.
+Hey, look, delicious.
+Well, bring them on.
+There you are.
+Here's another.
+Hi, Carol.
+Hi, Kay.
+Well, how's...
+Shh, he's upstairs.
+How's the fish campaign?
+Well, it's the third day.
+He should be growing fins by now.
+Well, keep punching, sweetie.
+As soon as you get him off that economy kick, you go right out and buy that statue back.
+Shh, here he comes.
+Oh, hi, Wilbur.
+I wonder if Mr. Phillips has sold my beautiful statue yet.
+Look, Carol, I've got a great idea.
+Why don't you let me buy it and hold it for you until you break Wilbur down?
+Oh, I couldn't ask you to do a thing like that, Kay.
+Well, it was just an idea.
+You better hurry, the store's closed at 6.
+You say this is an original, huh?
+Absolutely.
+I like it very much.
+How much are you asking for it?
+$50.
+And how much will you take?
+$50.
+This is a one-price store.
+Okay, don't get excited.
+I told you I like it.
+Would you wrap it, please?
+Gladly.
+Pardon me.
+How much is he asking for it today?
+Today?
+I thought $25 was quite expensive.
+25?
+I'm paying him 50.
+Oh, that's for two, of course.
+Two?
+He told me it was an original.
+He's got a back room full of them.
+No kidding.
+He must stamp them out with a cookie cutter.
+I see.
+An original, huh?
+Thank you.
+Here's the $50.
+Hey.
+Anybody home?
+It's me.
+Hello.
+Oh, hello, Wilbur.
+Uh, Roger, can I come over to your place for a sandwich or something?
+Sure.
+Of course.
+You're sure?
+Yeah.
+We're well stocked.
+What do you want?
+Anything that doesn't swim.
+I beg your pardon?
+See, Carol's had me on a steady diet of fish the last few days.
+All because I returned that silly statue she bought.
+You won't believe this, but Kay bought one just like it.
+And she's been hiding it from me.
+You're kidding.
+What are you going to do?
+Return it, of course.
+Well, look, let me give you a little tip.
+If the owner won't take it back, just say please and look miserable.
+He's very soft-hearted.
+It won't be difficult to look miserable.
+Just think of the price.
+Yes, sir, may I show you something?
+No, thank you.
+I'd like to return something.
+I'm sorry, we have a no return policy.
+Oh, I don't blame you.
+As a businessman, I realize you can't make a profit if you keep taking back merchandise you've sold.
+Exactly.
+May I ask a favor of you, please?
+Would you call my wife and tell her you positively will not refund the money?
+Why don't you call her yourself?
+Well, to be perfectly frank, just before I left the house, we had a terrible argument.
+She's very sensitive about making mistakes.
+And I'm very sensitive about returning money.
+Then you won't call her?
+No.
+Would you write her a note, please?
+Please?
+Write her a note?
+Please?
+Oh, all right.
+Oh, thank you.
+I knew a kind heart went with that face.
+Oh, no.
+It's back again.
+I need you to pay $50.
+What is this, some sort of parlor game?
+Musical statues?
+Please?
+Please?
+Please?
+Oh, thank you.
+You have just saved a marriage.
+Honey.
+I brought you some lunch.
+Sit it down, Carol.
+I'll reel it in later.
+Oh, I'm cracking up.
+That fish looks just like a chicken.
+Go ahead, dear.
+You deserve a good meal.
+You mean you're giving up?
+You're throwing in the flounder?
+I just couldn't stand to see you suffer anymore.
+I don't know who to kiss first, you or the chicken.
+Enjoy it, dear.
+She's out to get you.
+It's worth it.
+You gonna eat that without a food taster?
+Ed, stick to being a horse.
+The condemned prisoner ate a hearty meal.
+I got the greatest little wife in the world.
+And what's more, I want to surprise her and buy that statue back.
+I knew you'd weaken.
+So did I.
+Good, you haven't sold it.
+That'll be $50, I believe.
+Didn't you return the statue just a few days ago?
+That's right.
+As I recall, your wife had just bought it.
+Yes.
+She bought it, you returned it, and now you want to buy it again?
+Yes, but...
+Tell me this.
+Has my competitor hired you people to drive me out of my mind?
+Look, I'd like to buy that statue.
+I'll sell it to you under one condition.
+What's that?
+That you sign a written statement to the effect that you will never return this statue again.
+Really?
+All right.
+I'll sign it.
+Repeat after me, please.
+I do solemnly swear...
+I do solemnly swear...
+Better raise your right hand.
+I do solemnly swear...
+Carol, are you in the kitchen?
+Carol?
+Oh, no.
+Carol?
+Are you upstairs, honey?
+Carol, look what I...
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+Oh, hi, Edison doll.
+Don't doll me, shifty.
+Oh, you found the statue.
+Pretty sneaky, getting Carol to buy it back for you.
+I don't understand, darling.
+I returned the statue once today and I'm returning it again.
+But, sweetheart, that's not ours, it's Carol's.
+Oh, please, Wilbur returned Carol's.
+You bought this for yourself.
+I wasn't born yesterday.
+If you don't lower your voice, this may become exhibit A at a coroner's inquest.
+Kay, are you trying to tell me this is the same statue Wilbur showed me in the barn?
+What was he doing in the barn?
+I hid it in the closet.
+It was before I returned it to the store.
+Returned what to what store?
+Kay, when you married me, was it for love or revenge?
+Now, don't forget, with Little Princess, you got to break fast and stay close to the rail.
+Got it.
+Now, when do you want the jockey to go to the whip?
+No whips.
+She cries so easily.
+Mr. Redwoods, I was thinking maybe of using blinkers on Little Princess. What do you think?
+No, no blinkers.
+She likes to read the odds on the tote board while she's running.
+I got my hands. I'll put it right down.
+Carol, where are you?
+Carol, are you upstairs?
+Not again.
+When I put the statue in the closet, that was just before you brought it back.
+I was keeping it for Carol until Wilbur gave her the money.
+But when you brought it back, he hadn't given in yet.
+So it was premature.
+Don't you understand?
+Is it necessary that I do?
+I'm sorry, darling. I should have told you.
+Kay.
+Forgive my busting in like this, but why do you keep putting this back in my living room?
+It was a mistake, dear.
+We didn't realize that you'd gone back and bought the statue again.
+Me? But I didn't buy it back.
+No? Who did?
+Wilbur.
+Oh, isn't he sweet?
+He wanted to surprise me.
+You've certainly got a wonderful husband.
+And I'm going to tell it to him, too.
+Excuse me.
+How's your head, Addison?
+Kay, do me a favor.
+Sure, sweet.
+Anytime you want to help your neighbor, give me five minutes' notice so I can leave town.
+You put that there.
+What's going on around here?
+Thank you, darling.
+But I have been spending too much money lately, and, well, maybe we should take it back to the store.
+Oh, no. The way that storekeeper feels, I'd be safer taking you back to your mother.
+I'm afraid you can't, darling.
+Hmm?
+You know what they stamped in our marriage license?
+What?
+Absolutely no returns.
+Well, thanks for calling, Mr. King.
+Ed, get off that phone.
+Good news, Wilbur.
+My niece won her first race.
+Ed, you promised you would cut out those long-distance calls.
+Relax. I'm paying for this one.
+You?
+The trainer bet five for me, and I won a hundred bucks.
+You did?
+Yep.
+When is your niece going to be running again, huh?
+Wouldn't you like to know?
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.
+So write to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.
+Keep your yakety yak in the street and waste your time a day.
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and this one will talk to his voice, his horse.
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E11 Ed the Witness.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,426 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Wilbur, are you sure we're on the road to Ensenada?
+Of course we are. Leave it to me, I know where we're going.
+And Wilbur, you said you knew a shortcut.
+How far are we from Ensenada?
+Oh, don't ask me. These Mexican roads twist so much.
+Just a second, just a second, everybody.
+Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. No doubt about it. We're lost.
+Oh, no, Wilbur, I'm famished. If I had a little ketchup, I'd eat this map.
+I could do without a bowl of chili myself.
+I was looking forward to spending a delightful weekend south of the border, but with your sense of direction...
+There's nothing wrong with Wilbur's sense of direction.
+Oh, please. I consider it a triumph we got out of his garage.
+But, Aristotle, you told Wilbur to make that left turn back there.
+Of course I did. The sign said, hombres trabajando. That distinctly means left turn.
+Wait, I'll look that up in the dictionary.
+Now, believe me, it means left turn. I took Spanish in college, and I finished at the head of my class.
+Hombres trabajando. Men at work.
+Must have been a very small class, darling.
+Wilbur, do you have any idea where we are?
+Well, the way I figure it out, we're either just outside the town of Cojotzamamalulu...
+or on a small island in the Pacific.
+Well, we'd better just keep on driving.
+Men at work, huh? Oh, must be an old dictionary.
+Let's go, Desi.
+I'd better go take a look at Mr. Ed.
+Ed, I got a little problem. We're lost.
+Who's lost? We're only ten miles from Cojotzamamalulu.
+How do you know?
+I read a sign back there.
+You speak Spanish?
+Doesn't everybody?
+De nada, amigo.
+So, this is Cojotzamamalulu. It certainly does look very big.
+The only thing big about this town is its name.
+I wonder if they have a restaurant here.
+Well, there's a policeman. Let's ask him. Officer?
+Oh, no, Wilbur. Wilbur. Let me. I speak the language.
+Senor.
+Si?
+That means yes.
+You could have fooled me.
+¿Dónde es el restaurant?
+You have a thick accent.
+Yes, those Irish progs will always throw you.
+La Golondrina is a very nice restaurant.
+Oh, you speak English?
+That means yes.
+Is it the best restaurant in town?
+Si, and the only one, too.
+Thank you. Come on, girls. Por aquí, por favor.
+I have a feeling this is not going to be one of the highlights of the trip.
+Well, it certainly is very... quaint.
+It has a wonderful provincial atmosphere.
+Yeah, we're stuck.
+Sit down.
+I wonder where the owner is.
+It isn't exactly the height of the rush hour.
+Let's order. I want to send word down to my stomach that help's on the way.
+Excuse me, sir.
+Is the owner here?
+Si.
+Do you know where he is?
+Si.
+How do we get service?
+Yes, go for it, Pepe. Thank you.
+Pepe?
+Pepe?
+Are you calling me?
+That's what I like. A man who gets right to the point.
+You're going to like the beans. They're very good, señor.
+Thank you.
+Tacos, enchiladas, tortillas, arroz con polo.
+Oh, I know what that means. Chicken with rice.
+Either that or men at work.
+What else do they have, Wilbur?
+Uh, rozbif, bifsteck.
+Roast beef, beefsteak.
+Beefsteak. That's what I want, beefsteak.
+I'll have the roast beef.
+Steak for me.
+And I'll have the arroz con polo.
+Four order spins.
+What we want.
+What is nice. What I got, spins.
+Mr. Man, if all you have is beans, why did you bother giving us this menu?
+No bother. It's a pleasure.
+Beans. If you hadn't steered us wrong, we'd be an ensenada by now.
+You know, Kay, that's one of the things I admire about you.
+Whenever I make a mistake, you're always the first to point it out.
+You're in.
+Oh, look at that wheel.
+Oh, now we'll be stuck here for a week.
+Wilbur, why did you have to bring this horse along?
+I told you, he gets lonely.
+¿Qué pasa aquí?
+Did you see this accident?
+No, señor.
+Didn't you see anything?
+If I see, I say. I don't see, I don't say.
+You don't say.
+¿Sí?
+I say, I don't see.
+We've got to get this wheel fixed.
+Oh, I know the best mechanic in all Mexico. Arturo Gomez.
+Will he do a good job?
+Would he do a good job? Would I lie about my own cousin?
+Now that you're almost finished, Arturo, don't you think we should agree on a price?
+Sí, we should.
+¿Eh?
+¿How much is it?
+Whatever we agree.
+¿Ten dollars?
+This, I don't agree.
+¿How much?
+This, I will charge you so you will be a little more poor and I will be a little more rich.
+Well, how much more poor will I be?
+The same, that I will be a little more rich.
+Oh.
+Why you not going to eat with your friends? I call you when he's finished.
+You couldn't give me an idea of the price.
+That's right, I couldn't.
+Now your trailer will soon be fixed, Ed.
+Good. I was afraid I'd have to walk home.
+You were scared when you got hit.
+Yeah, I almost ended up in that great big stable in the sky.
+I'd like to get my hands on that hit-and-run driver.
+Yeah, that beat-up old truck.
+Truck? What truck?
+License number 4231.
+We have agreed on the price, señor. $50.
+Would you mind stepping aside, please? I'd like to see your license plates.
+$50, please.
+You really expect me to pay you $50?
+We make it $40?
+I no charge you city sales tax.
+I'm not paying you a cent. You ran into my trailer with your truck.
+How you say this? There was no witnesses.
+Ah, then you admit that you did it.
+$30?
+How do you say policeman in Spanish?
+Policía.
+Thank you.
+Policía! Policía!
+Why you call police? $30 is not so much. You like $25 better?
+What's going on here, Arturo?
+This man doesn't want to pay me for my work. He owes me $75.
+That is a lie.
+You speak Spanish, señor?
+No, but a lie is a lie in any language.
+Please.
+Why do you not pay Arturo? He's $75.
+$75?
+All right, $70.
+What more can I do?
+Arturo, he's being very generous, señor.
+Look at his fender. He must have hit me. It's dented.
+My fender?
+She was dented when the car was new.
+What's the matter, Wilbur?
+This is the man that ran into our trailer.
+Please, Miguel. It is almost siesta time, and I cannot sleep when people, they owe me money.
+I am not paying. It's a matter of principle.
+Señor, you pay, or I must put you in the jail.
+Wilbur, Addison will be glad to chip in half.
+Why, of course. I...
+No, no, no, Wilbur's right. We will not pay. It's a matter of principle.
+But, honey, I don't want you going to jail.
+Don't you worry. I'm not going.
+Excuse me, señor. You have the time?
+I'm in the right, and there is absolutely nothing that they can do.
+Hey, what's the big idea?
+Shh.
+Siesta time and quazamamalulu.
+Psst. Amigo.
+Hi, Ed.
+What time you going over the wall?
+I don't have to. I'm going to win this case.
+Sure, sure.
+I'm going to win this case.
+I'm going to win this case.
+I'm going to win this case.
+Sure, sure.
+Ed, are you sure you saw the truck hit your trailer?
+Positive. Too bad I didn't have a camera with me.
+I know the girls in Roger are looking for a lawyer.
+You had your lunch yet?
+Yeah, but that Mexican hay is too hot for me.
+I've been drinking water like a fish.
+I've got to get out of here.
+Excuse me, Ed.
+All right, sure.
+Officer, officer!
+Ya, por favor, callese, hombre. Que escandalo trae.
+Look, I'm an American citizen. I demand a trial.
+Are you going to pay Arturo his money?
+No.
+Then you'll be a Mexican citizen before your trial.
+Look, I insist you phone the judge and tell him that I'm here.
+Insist.
+Insist.
+Why insist? When the judge gets here, he'll see that you're here.
+Honey!
+Oh, you look so pale. Are you all right?
+Did you get a lawyer?
+Addison's waiting for him to wake up. It's still siesta time.
+This isn't a town. It's a giant sleeping bag.
+Wilbur, maybe you ought to pay the man the $75.
+70?
+I'm not paying you a cent!
+Relax, folks. The lawyer will be here shortly.
+When?
+As soon as he gets out of his pajamas.
+Oh, honey.
+Please pay the money. I don't like to see you behind bars.
+My mind is made up. Now, you and Kay go and find some rooms for the night.
+Meanwhile, Roger and I will talk to the lawyer.
+You're really determined to fight this through?
+Find the rooms, huh?
+You never kiss me like that.
+I will, dear. When you're behind bars.
+Roger, keep an eye on him for me, will you?
+Why? Where's he going?
+Come on, Kay.
+Roger, I didn't want to worry Carol, but that judge may not show up for months.
+That's carrying a siesta a little too far.
+Maybe you better phone the American consulate in Tijuana.
+Good thinking. But I got a better idea.
+What's that?
+Pay the money and let's get out of here.
+I am not going to pay that fellow $75.
+$70.
+I'll call the consulate.
+My good man, have you a telephone here?
+Not here, but on the wall.
+Thank you.
+You want me to make the call for you?
+That won't be necessary. I speak the language fluently.
+Operadora, usted, por favor, obtenerme el americano consulado Tijuana.
+No, operator, I am not speaking Portuguese.
+That was Spanish.
+How long have you been in this country?
+I want Tijuana, not Havana.
+I said not Havana, Havana.
+Very well, I'll wait.
+Begin.
+Senor Post, I am Francisco Gomez. I am your attorney.
+I've been expecting you. Won't you sit down?
+First, let me assure you that you will receive a fair trial.
+That is all I expect, sir.
+Senor Addison has acquainted me with the situation, but now I must ask a few questions.
+Did you see the accident?
+No.
+Did any of your friends see the accident?
+Well, no.
+Then I must advise you to pay the $75.
+$70.
+That man has been lying. He ran into my trailer.
+But if you have no witness...
+I have a witness. Ed saw everything.
+Ed? Ah, this is good.
+Who is this Ed?
+Well...
+Well, he's not exactly the type you'd bring into a courtroom.
+Please, senor, do not say this to me. In Mexico, everybody is equal.
+Where is this Ed?
+Outside the window.
+Senor Ed! Senor Ed!
+I see only a horse.
+That is senor Ed.
+This horse, she is your witness?
+Senor, have you been drinking tequila?
+Please, you've got to believe me.
+You do not need a lawyer, you need a doctor. Miguel!
+I'm telling you the truth.
+Andale.
+I'm telling you.
+Of course you are.
+That is the truth. Ed saw...
+Si, como no.
+Ed saw everything.
+I'm telling you the truth. You've got to believe me.
+What's the matter?
+Hello.
+It's about time.
+Is this the American consulate in Tijuana?
+What?
+Havana?
+Operator, I did not want Havana.
+I want Tijuana.
+T as in tacos.
+I as in igloo.
+A as in Argentina.
+I'm calling the American consulate.
+Good.
+Well, how did you make out?
+Did you find any rooms?
+We won't need any, honey.
+The judge just got back to town.
+And he's going to try your case this afternoon.
+Great! Now we're getting someplace.
+Marvelous.
+What?
+Argentina?
+Operator, I did not call Argentina.
+I want Tijuana.
+T as in Texas. No, no, no.
+So the judge is here.
+Win or lose, we'll be out of this town soon.
+Ensenada, here we come.
+What did your lawyer say, dear?
+He refused to handle my case.
+Goodbye, Ensenada.
+Refused to handle your case? But why?
+What's the difference? I'm innocent. I can't lose.
+I... I'll defend myself.
+I admire your confidence, Wilbur.
+We'll send you cigarettes from the States.
+This is just awful.
+We'll just have to convince that lawyer to handle you.
+Come on.
+I'd better go along with him. To translate.
+Ed, with you testifying for me, I can't lose.
+With who testifying?
+Look, I'm depending on you. You're my key witness.
+Now you know I only talk in front of you.
+This is a matter of principle.
+Where's your integrity?
+Where's your $75?
+All I'm gonna do is tell the truth.
+If they find out I can talk, I'll wind up in a circus.
+Ed, I'm disappointed in you.
+I've always felt towards you the way...
+The way Paul Revere felt toward his horse.
+But Paul did the talking, not his horse.
+Okay, Ed.
+No hard feelings, huh?
+No. I'm...
+I'll be waiting for you, buddy boy.
+This way, please.
+That's the one, Judge Hernandez.
+Uh-huh. He's the guilty one.
+Arturo, por favor, don't call a man guilty until there is a trial.
+Senor Post, I'm Judge Hernandez.
+Your Honor, I'm certainly glad you're here.
+I'm sorry I was late.
+Where's your lawyer?
+Oh, I'll be defending myself.
+The lawyer Gomez will not handle his case because he's loco.
+Are you loco?
+No.
+Ah, good. Let us proceed.
+Sit down on the bench, both of you.
+This court is now in session.
+Senor Post, what do you say?
+Your Honor, this man hit my trailer with his truck.
+And now he wants me to pay for fixing it.
+Arturo, what do you say?
+He's a big liar.
+You say yes, he say no.
+Are there any witnesses?
+Well, yes and no.
+Yes and no.
+That makes maybe.
+Do you have a maybe witness?
+Well...
+Ed!
+¿Qué pasa con este animal?
+Take this horse away from here.
+Please, Your Honor, this is my witness.
+The horse, he's your witness?
+Yes, Your Honor.
+Well, how can a horse be your witness?
+Well, he told me Arturo's license number.
+Oh, in that case, you know...
+He told you?
+Yes, Your Honor.
+Are you sure you are not loco?
+The horse saw it all, Your Honor.
+Well, how can a horse write down a number?
+Oh, he didn't write down the number.
+Oh.
+He just told me what he read.
+Miguel, you know there is a law against serving tequila in jail?
+But I didn't give him any tequila.
+He is this way all by himself.
+Make him to pay me my $80.
+$80?
+Ed, tell him what happened.
+This is ridiculous.
+How could a horse tell you a license number?
+Uh, by tapping it out.
+That's how he communicates with me.
+What?
+Yes, just write down any number at all, Your Honor, and he'll tap it out.
+You are serious in your post?
+If you'll please write down a number, Your Honor.
+Oh, my God.
+$60.
+Did he read any number?
+Yes.
+Yes.
+Try him in Spanish.
+$50.
+Of course, he does everything but talk.
+Arturo, you are a liar.
+You big mouth.
+With a fire.
+He isn't here. What did they do to him?
+Oh, don't worry, darling. I'm sure everything's all right.
+There are no high trees in the neighborhood.
+Oh, gotcha.
+What's up, little kiddies?
+Well, let's get going.
+I want to make it to Ensenada before it gets dark.
+Well, did you pay him the money?
+No, won the case.
+You did? How?
+Oh, just used a little horse sense.
+Let's go, kiddies.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.
+© BF-WATCH TV 2021

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E12 Ed's Mother.autogenerated.txt

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+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Right there by that fence, honey. Perfect spot for a picture.
+Okay, honey.
+Edison Doll, how about a picture of you? Those baby blue eyes would look beautiful in color.
+I don't deny that, my dear, but I'm a little weary.
+Oh, please, just one picture for my wallet.
+That'd be the closest I've been to my money in a long time.
+Hold it just a minute while I focus, honey. There.
+Howdy, folks.
+Oh, darn.
+Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, did I spoil your snapshot?
+That's okay. She's got special rates for group pictures.
+You folks interested, maybe, in buying some doodads for the house?
+I'm running an auction here this Sunday.
+Auction? What auction? Where? What are they selling and how many to a customer?
+Auction? Where?
+Kay, let's go home.
+Come this Sunday, you'll be able to pick up some real fine bargains at Z. Dowd's.
+I'm selling everything on this farm from soup to nuts.
+We have plenty of both, thank you. Come on, let's go.
+Oh, I've got to see what he's selling.
+Right this way, ma'am, through the gate.
+That woman will buy anything.
+To Kay, the world is just one great big department store.
+Come on, Roger, it's only money.
+I'm glad it's yours.
+Well, thank you.
+Sit up on the fence for one more, honey.
+I?
+Oh, move over just a little bit.
+I want to get the horse in the background. Make it look real country.
+Okay.
+Sit back a little more, Roger.
+Sit back a little more.
+Oh, a little more.
+Wilbur? Where are you?
+Wilbur!
+Oh, honey, are you all right?
+I don't know.
+Does that camera take x-ray pictures?
+There's nothing funny about falling off a fence. It can happen to anybody.
+It's never happened to me.
+Wilbur, are you in there?
+Yes, Roger.
+Wilbur, I picked up your snapshots at the drugstore.
+Oh, thank you.
+I'll have to go back and get them.
+I picked up your snapshots at the drugstore.
+Oh, thank you. Roger, how much do I owe you?
+Nothing. If you will help me on this auction business.
+Oh, Kay still wants to go to the auction on Sunday, huh?
+That's all she talks about. She wants to pick up a few things for our backyard.
+Like what?
+Oh, a wagon wheel, a kerosene lamp, an old water pump.
+She'd buy the farmer if he were marked down.
+I don't think that my wife's any different.
+Now, remember, we've got to stick together on this.
+No auction this Sunday. Right? Right.
+Oh, brother.
+What's so funny?
+When I fell off the fence, all...
+all Carol got was a picture of an old plow horse.
+Don't laugh. Some of my best friends pull plows.
+Let me see it.
+Wait till Carol sees this shot.
+Uh-huh.
+Wait a minute.
+What's the matter, Ed?
+That horse in the picture.
+What about her?
+She's my mother.
+Well, there she is.
+Are you sure that's your mother?
+That's Mama.
+Go ahead. Go over to her.
+How do I look?
+You look fine.
+Is my hair combed?
+Yes. Now, look, stop being so nervous.
+Mom taught us kids to be neat.
+Your hair is combed, your shoes are shined, you look great.
+Go over to her.
+Okay.
+Fine-looking horse you got there, mister.
+Oh, hello, Mr. Dowd.
+Say, aren't you the fellow that fell off my fence a couple of days ago?
+That's right.
+Hey, your horse seems to like Betsy.
+I'll sell her to you real cheap.
+Of course, she ain't nothing but a broken-down old plug.
+Ah!
+What's wrong with him?
+You insulted his mother.
+His mother?
+Yeah. He recognized her from a snapshot we took.
+Who recognized her?
+Her son. My horse, Ed.
+Well, uh, excuse me.
+I... I got some butter to churn.
+Calling Mom an old plug.
+I should have kicked him in his rutabaga.
+Yeah, please. Mr. Dowd didn't mean it.
+Hello, Betsy. You've got a wonderful son.
+No use, Wilbur. She doesn't understand.
+You mean she doesn't talk like you?
+Nope. I'm the only black sheep in the family.
+Then how do you communicate with her?
+Horse talk.
+You know, we were here before people.
+Tell her I like her.
+Mmm.
+Mmm.
+Mmm.
+Okay.
+Buy my mother and let's go home.
+Gee, I don't know, Ed.
+I'm gonna have to ask Carol first.
+But I don't want my mother pulling a plow.
+I know how you feel, Ed.
+Well, tell your mother I'll do my best.
+Carol?
+Yes?
+Come here, dear.
+Oh, I've missed you.
+We've been together all evening.
+No, we haven't. You've been in that kitchen for five minutes.
+Oh, Wilbur.
+You know when I miss you most?
+When I'm on my horse.
+What?
+Yeah. You know, some days when I'm riding along on Mr. Ed,
+I just wish you were right there with me.
+Wouldn't it be a little crowded in the saddle?
+Carol, I've been thinking about buying you a horse.
+Two horses?
+Well, isn't that a little extravagant?
+I mean, the upkeep and...
+Oh, what's money when you're riding alongside the woman you love?
+Wilbur, you know I don't ride very well.
+Yeah, I know.
+And that's why I was looking around and I found a real gentle horse.
+You'll love her.
+Oh, where did you find this horse?
+Well, you remember that picture you took when I fell off the fence?
+Mm-hmm.
+No!
+You mean you want me to ride that...
+that decrepit old plow horse?
+Please. You're talking about somebody's mother.
+I get it, Wilbur. We just don't need two horses.
+I'll make a deal with you.
+You ride Ed and I'll ride the plow horse.
+That's absurd.
+I'll finish the dishes and we'll go to a movie, huh?
+Don't worry, Mama.
+You're not gonna pull that plow much longer.
+I know I was a kooky kid, but I've sold my wild oats.
+I'm gonna take care of you in your old age.
+Old age.
+Hi, Ed.
+Hi, Wilbur.
+When do we pick up Mother?
+I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
+Carol just doesn't want another horse.
+Oh.
+Look, I'm not giving up.
+She wants to go to a movie tonight, so I'll pick a real sentimental one.
+Maybe this will soften her up.
+Chin up, Mom.
+Your little Edward ain't letting you down.
+I isn't.
+Mother, you are growing old.
+Silver thread among the gold.
+Oh, come in, neighbors.
+Hi, kids. Too late for a cup of coffee?
+No, come on in.
+Oh, good. How was the picture, darlings?
+Great. Just great.
+All about a son's love for his mother.
+We're not getting another horse.
+Is that the name of the picture?
+Wilbur wants to buy that plow horse we saw at the farm the other day.
+Oh, that's the place we're going to this Sunday.
+Kay, dear, I told you we are not going to that auction.
+She's a real sweet horse.
+But all I want to do is pick up a few things for the backyard.
+It was our front yard before she started adding things.
+She's the gentlest thing you've ever seen.
+You wouldn't think so if you lived with her.
+I'm talking about the horse.
+We're not getting any horse.
+Did my husband call me a horse?
+I'm talking about Ed's mother.
+Ed's mother?
+He had one, you know.
+Well, most of us do.
+Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?
+My husband wants to buy another horse.
+This is not just another horse. This is Ed's mother.
+Really?
+How do you know?
+He says that Mr. Ed recognized his mother from the picture I took.
+Pardon me, I've got to bed down my horse.
+Does he really want to buy that old plow horse?
+Well, you know how Wilbur loves animals.
+If it were up to him, we'd be living in a zoo.
+Ed's Mother
+Well?
+I'm sorry, Ed. Carol said no again.
+Did you tell her it's my mother?
+Yeah, she just doesn't believe me.
+Does she want to see my birth certificate?
+Yes, Ed. It's hopeless.
+Uh, Wilbur.
+Yeah?
+Would you let your mother pull a plow?
+Big deal.
+Where's the phone directory?
+I'll call Dad myself.
+Hello, Ed.
+Hello.
+Don't worry, Mom.
+What is your mother doing here?
+What mother?
+Tell me, what? How did she get in here?
+You bought her.
+Me? What are you talking about?
+Okay, so I bought her.
+What did you do?
+I called up Dowd and I told him I was your business manager.
+You didn't?
+Just send him a check for $50.
+Oh, I gotta keep Carol out of here.
+Carol's coming. If she sees your mother, she'll kick us both out.
+Don't let her come in here.
+How? How am I going to keep her out?
+Fiddle buster.
+Honey, I brought you some lunch.
+Sandwich, some milk and some cookies.
+Thank you. I'll eat it out here.
+In this wind?
+What wind?
+Oh, Wilbur.
+I like to eat outdoors. It's invigorating.
+Oh, honey, I don't have time. I have a roasting oven.
+You shouldn't have done this, Ed.
+Carol's going to think I did it behind her back.
+Look at her, Wilbur. Isn't she beautiful?
+I better find a place to hide her while I try to get Carol to accept her.
+Mm-hmm.
+Addison's garage.
+Bless you, Wilbur.
+Fine lad.
+I'm going to get you.
+The line's busy.
+Ed, I better take your mother right over there.
+Mr. Dowd, what time are you starting your auction tomorrow?
+11 o'clock? Fine. We'll be there. And I...
+The voice you have just heard has been disconnected.
+You shouldn't have done that.
+Woman, have a heart. We've got a whole garage full of junk.
+It's not junk.
+We have enough grandfather clocks to start an old folks' home.
+Oh, really, Roger. Stop exaggerating. I'm going to use everything I bought.
+Kay, dear heart, light of my life,
+what do you intend to do with the spinning wheel you bought three years ago?
+Well, I... I may make a platter out of it.
+You'd make a platter out of anything, wouldn't you?
+Addison, please, doll. Let's go Sunday.
+I promise you I won't buy. I'll just look.
+Well, if you must look, come and have a look at the pawn shop
+we laughingly call our garage.
+Oh, really, Roger. What are you trying to prove?
+I know what I bought.
+I just want you to see why I have to park my car in the driveway every night.
+Addison, I know what's in this garage,
+and it's all stuff that we can use someday.
+What kind of a platter is that going to make?
+How did that get here?
+Why, it's that old plow horse that Wilbur wanted to buy.
+Wilbur, where do you think I ought to take her on Mother's Day?
+Dad, we're going to have a lot of trouble with Carol.
+You should never have phoned Mr. Dowd.
+There comes a time when a horse has to take matters into his own hooves.
+Well, I'd better phone Roger again and tell him I've got your mother in his garage.
+Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo.
+Anything else I can get you, dear?
+No, thank you, honey.
+Are you still angry with me, darling? I mean, about the other horse?
+No, no, I see your side of it, dear.
+I just hope you'll change your mind.
+I don't want to see you obstinate.
+That's my girl.
+I mean, just promise me you'll keep an open mind. Sleep on it, huh?
+All right, Wilbur. I'd better get back to my roast.
+Let me carry that for you.
+Honey, if you change your mind about that other horse, I think I can get you a quick delivery.
+Wilbur.
+I, uh, believe this belongs to your herd.
+Roger, where'd you get the horse?
+Do you like horses? Carol?
+Wilbur, there must be an explanation for this.
+Yeah? Well, let's hear it.
+Wilbur, how could you?
+You'll excuse me if I miss this preliminary bout.
+I'm fighting in the main event next door.
+Keep an open mind. Quick delivery.
+That horse goes to the barn.
+Keep an open mind. Quick delivery. That horse goes back this instant.
+Carol.
+Wilbur, right now.
+Carol, please.
+Right now, Wilbur. Take that horse back right now.
+Oh!
+Ed, I'm sorry. I tried.
+Can I say goodbye to Mama?
+Oh, my God.
+Hmm. Hmm.
+Cheer up, Ed.
+Hmm.
+Mother, you are growing old.
+Silver threads among the gold. Hmm.
+Breakfast in a few minutes.
+Is he still angry about returning that other horse?
+I guess so.
+Husbands can be so stubborn.
+Do you know that Addison actually believes that I'm not going to that auction today?
+And you're not.
+Yes, I am.
+Good morning, Wilbur. No, you're not.
+Good morning, Wilbur. Yes, I am.
+Good morning. What's going on around here?
+Oh, they're just discussing going to the auction today.
+And we decided against it.
+Carol would like to go.
+Only if it's all right with you, dear.
+Oh, yeah. Well, no.
+No, I thought we'd just relax around the house today.
+Wilbur, you're a man after my own heart.
+Well, I'll be right back. I've got to feed Ed.
+Hurry, dear. Breakfast will be ready in just a few minutes.
+Morning, Ed. How's...
+Ed?
+Went home to mother.
+He must have just left.
+The crown is still wet.
+Addison, please.
+I promise you that we'll only stay at the auction for an hour.
+Half hour?
+Breakfast is ready.
+Fifteen minutes?
+We'll just drive by?
+My dear, you are not buying any wagon wheels today.
+Wilbur and I have decided against it.
+Why do you men always stick together?
+Because every day of a married man's life is Custer's last stand.
+Well, let's finish up breakfast and get down to that auction.
+I have just been scalped.
+All right, folks, the auction will start in a few minutes.
+The auction will start in a few minutes now.
+Pardon me, sir.
+Yes, sir, what can I... Oh, it's you.
+Now, look, Mr. Post, that wasn't fair.
+Buying my horse on the telephone and then sending her back.
+Anything you buy today is strictly cash on the barrel head.
+I'm sorry. Have you seen my horse around here?
+What makes you think he'd be around here?
+Well, he left a note saying he was going back to mother.
+Well, uh, I...
+I guess I'd better start the auction.
+Wilbur, have you seen Kay? I've been looking all over for her.
+No.
+I've got to find her before the bidding starts or I'll walk home in a barrel.
+All right, folks. All right, gather around.
+Now, we got some right powerful bargains for you lucky people.
+Now, the first item is this sturdy plow horse.
+Got a lot of hard working years left in her yet.
+Now, who'll start the bidding?
+$10.
+$15.
+$20.
+All right, I hear $20. Do I hear $25?
+$25.
+$30.
+$35.
+$35. I have $35. Do I hear $40?
+Ed, what are you doing?
+Buying my mother. Do you mind?
+$40 anyone? $40, $40, $40 anyone?
+Thank you.
+But you know we can't take her home.
+$45.
+$45. I have $45. Do I hear $50?
+Ed, you don't have any money. How are you going to pay?
+This is my mother.
+I'll beg, I'll work, I'll steal, I'll do anything.
+$50, $50, do I hear $50?
+$50.
+Thank you. I have $50, $50, $50. Do I hear $55?
+Wilbur, what's Miss Ed doing here?
+Do I hear $55?
+All right. $50 once, $50 twice, $50...
+$55.
+Sold to that man for $55.
+Wilbur, why did you buy that horse?
+Honey, because that is Mr. Ed's mother, believe me.
+I bought her and I'm going to give her to some nice family,
+maybe with a couple of kids who can love her
+and make her last year's happy ones.
+All right, honey.
+I don't mind if you're an animal lover,
+as long as you keep on being a wife lover.
+I better go find Kay.
+Wilbur, if you were a girl, I'd kiss you.
+I think I will anyway.
+All right, folks. Who'll give me $15?
+Believe me, it's a steal.
+$15.
+$17.
+$20.
+$22.
+$22, $22, I've got $22. Do I hear $23?
+Why don't you go up to $50?
+$50 sold to that gentleman with a mustache for $50.
+Oh, thank you, doll. You bought me my wagon wheel.
+I just bought a $50 wagon wheel.
+Congratulations. It should make a beautiful planter.
+I was on a steady course, talked to Mr. Ed
+People yakety yak the streak and waste your time a day
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And this one will talk to his voice, his horse
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this
+I am Mr. Ed

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E13 Ed the Tout.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,493 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Three quarters of a mile and eleven.
+Morning, Ed.
+Morning.
+What happened to the sports section?
+I'm reading it.
+Hey, wait, I'm not through yet.
+You know I like to read it with my coffee.
+Well, I like to read it with my hay.
+Well, I'm sorry.
+Why did you mark the horse racing?
+Why did you mark the horse racing?
+Don't worry, I'm not betting.
+Hello, Roger. Want me to get you a cup of coffee?
+No, thanks.
+Oh, what's this?
+Are you playing the horses?
+No, I even think the merry-go-round is fixed.
+Well, then who made these selections?
+Would you believe it if I told you it was Mr. Red?
+Well, I'll tell you the truth.
+The little boy who delivers the paper is a tout.
+Wilbur, you surprised me.
+I thought you had more sense than to play the races.
+If you must throw your money away, give it to your wife.
+Believe me, I never gamble.
+You know, I had a good friend who lost a fortune on the races.
+Then he started drinking.
+First one bottle a day, and then two.
+Finally, he was buying it by the case.
+You know what happened to that man?
+Owns his own liquor store?
+It wasn't funny to my friend.
+He lost his family, his business, his home.
+They darn near kicked him out of the Harvard Club.
+Look, Roger, I appreciate your concern,
+but believe me, it isn't necessary.
+Well, girls, how's the charity drive coming along?
+We've never had no said to us in so many different ways.
+I never thought it would be so hard to collect money for a milk fund.
+How much did you get?
+Uh, $40.
+Does that include the 20 I gave you this morning?
+Mm-hmm.
+Does that include the 20 I gave you this morning?
+I guess we didn't have such a good day.
+Hey, I have a thought.
+Why not let Wilbur run your $40 into a few thousand at the charity drive?
+Why not let Wilbur run your $40 into a few thousand at the charity drive?
+Race track?
+Wilbur, you don't...
+Wilbur, have you been betting on the horses?
+Of course not, honey.
+Oh, no.
+He just marked off these horses' names because it's their birthday
+and he wants to send them some presents.
+Come, dear.
+Wilbur, take my advice. Forget the races.
+And just to remove any temptation, I'll take this along with me.
+And incidentally, you're saving a dime.
+Oh, yeah?
+Well, how about Mabel?
+Well, if you deduct what we spent for gas, stationary, phone, and circulars,
+our charity drive has already lost $15.
+Okay, kid. Talk to you later.
+May I come in?
+Oh, hi, Roger.
+Is Wilbur here?
+He's upstairs.
+Wilbur!
+You must be excited about his luck today.
+What luck?
+Why, your husband picked eight winners.
+Eight winners?
+At the race track.
+Well, here, look for yourself.
+Here are Wilbur's selections, and here are the winners.
+Hi, Roger. I'll be right back.
+Honey, you... you picked eight winners.
+Winners?
+Yes, at the race track.
+Oh, that's nice.
+I picked eight winners?
+Yes, you did.
+They are.
+What do you know? Eight in a row. Not bad.
+I didn't bet.
+Sure, kid.
+I didn't.
+Will you excuse me, Roger? I've got to feed Ed.
+Is it possible he didn't bet?
+Oh, I'm sure he didn't.
+You say that so calmly.
+If I picked eight winners and didn't bet,
+my wife would be on her way to Reno.
+Ed, you picked eight winners.
+Well, there were only eight races.
+Ed, how did you get so lucky?
+Not luck. Just horse sense.
+You mean you can actually pick the horses?
+Better than you can pick people.
+What's the secret? How do you do it?
+Simple. I see who's running, and I pick the best.
+How do you know so much about horses?
+Isn't that a stupid question?
+Yes, yes. Eight winners. That's amazing.
+Look, I've got a reward for you.
+Hey, neighbor, let me give you a hand with that.
+Thanks. I think I can manage from here.
+Well, if a man can't help a friend, what good is he?
+It's true.
+Oh, by the way, Wilbur, you know, you were just lucky today.
+You could never pick eight winners in a row again.
+Yes, I could. But what's the difference? You don't play the races.
+No, no, no, no. Of course not.
+I'm just interested from the scientific point of view.
+Oh, is that why you're being so helpful this evening?
+Oh, Wilbur, please.
+Now, just to satisfy me,
+would you make some selections for tomorrow?
+I'd rather not, Rog.
+Oh, admit it. You were just lucky.
+Once they get on the track,
+nobody can tell what these stupid animals are liable to do.
+Look, Roger, I don't...
+Okay, Roger.
+You call out the list of tomorrow's entries,
+and I'll give you the winners.
+Good. First race. Eskibam.
+No.
+Bleak Lady.
+No.
+Sunny Boy.
+Sunny Boy?
+Uh, Sunny Boy.
+Yeah, that's the winner. Sunny Boy.
+Sunny Boy?
+Well, he's 80 to 1.
+According to this handicapper, he's never beaten any of these other nags.
+Well, tomorrow, he's... he's running for revenge.
+I can hardly wait to check the paper tonight.
+Then we'll see how good you really are.
+Now, the second race.
+Maybe the boy didn't deliver the paper yet.
+It could be up on the roof.
+Kid's got a great pitching arm. Lots of speed, but no control.
+Oh, here it is.
+Yeah.
+Now we'll cut you down to size, my boy.
+Roger, are you a sporting man?
+What do you have in mind?
+If I picked eight winners again, you carry me into the house.
+If I didn't, I carry you.
+You're on.
+You can put me down here, driver.
+What on earth is going on?
+You never carried me over the threshold.
+My dear, you never picked eight horses in a row.
+Again?
+Again?
+Yes. Eight yesterday, eight today.
+It's only 16 winners. That's all the fuss about.
+Kay, how much money do we have in the bank?
+Oh, how fabulous. We'll all be rich.
+My mink will be wearing sable.
+A laden hatter's lamp. We have our Wilbur.
+I wonder when the new model yachts come up.
+How do you pick them?
+Yes, when did you find out you had this power?
+Tell us, Swami.
+It all happened a few days ago.
+I was on the phone with my mom, concentrating on some sketches.
+All of a sudden, I had a strange sensation.
+And I found myself circling horses on the sports page.
+Too sour, too sour.
+May I touch you?
+Wilbur, what time do we leave for the track tomorrow?
+Why wait for tomorrow? Aren't there any night races?
+I'll milk-drive.
+We'll have all the money we need.
+Milk-drive? Why, with Wilbur on our side,
+those kids are going to be drinking champagne.
+Look, Roger, I don't bet, and I thought you were opposed to gambling.
+My boy backing you is not gambling, it's hoarding.
+Now get busy. Take him. Go ahead.
+Get him a pencil.
+Pencil? Here, Wilbur, take my pen. Keep it. Go on.
+I don't like to bet.
+You bet for matchsticks, we'll bet for money.
+Honey, for the charity drive, please.
+Well, if it's for charity,
+I'd better go in the barn and concentrate.
+You want me to carry you?
+I'll help you.
+Please.
+What a brilliant man I married.
+Oh, he's not just yours now, Carol.
+He belongs to the world.
+Hollywood Park, five million.
+Hialeah, five million.
+Ed, what do you mean you can't pick any more winners?
+I don't like betting for money.
+It's against my principles.
+You got me into this.
+They think I have the power. What can I tell them?
+Tell them you blew a fuse.
+Aqueduct. Short season, three million.
+Come up.
+Twenty-five million.
+Give the government 24 million.
+Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.
+Oh, back so soon?
+Where are your selections?
+I don't have them.
+Oh, you left them in your office, huh?
+I'll go get them. Here, sit down, my boy.
+Sit right here. Relax.
+Roger, I haven't got any.
+You haven't?
+Oh, you don't like the horses today, huh?
+Well, that's all right. We'll pick them some other day.
+You know, nothing lost except the interest on the money.
+Roger, I'm afraid I'm never going to pick the horses again.
+Roger, I must have lost the knack.
+I tried, but it just wouldn't come.
+Sorry, Roger.
+Why, darling, what's wrong?
+We've been wiped out.
+What? What happened?
+Now I know how Benedict Arnold's wife must have felt.
+Come, dear.
+You're not in the house of a friend.
+Please, my dear.
+I'm not worth it.
+Please, my dear. I'm not well.
+Just look at them.
+I wish Roger would start talking to Wilbur.
+If only Wilbur would let him win a few races.
+Oh, it's not Wilbur's fault he lost the knack of picking horses.
+Does he ever talk in his sleep?
+Sometimes.
+Well, if he ever mumbles a long shot, jot it down.
+I just read about a wonderful new spray for roses.
+It's a homemade dust.
+You mix nine parts of dusting sulfur with one part of arsenate of lead.
+Who's going to win the first race?
+I don't know.
+Go play with your arsenate.
+Uh-uh.
+Uh-uh.
+Ed, just one winner?
+Just the seventh race. The big one?
+No, I couldn't live with myself.
+Ed, please.
+May I quote you from Oscar Wilde?
+Oscar Wilde?
+He does not win who plays with sin.
+Well, I've got one for you.
+He gets no dinner who picks no winner.
+What fool said that?
+I did.
+I mean...
+Oh, I don't need your help.
+I'll pick the seventh race myself.
+That's easy.
+Devil's tail.
+Is it going to win?
+Is it going to lose?
+Is it a horse?
+I think we need some fresh air.
+Oh, I guess I shouldn't have volunteered to head our charity drive.
+Maybe one of the other girls could do a better job.
+Oh, don't blame yourself, sweetie.
+It's the kids I'm thinking about.
+That milk fund's very important to them.
+I didn't make some bets yesterday when Wilbur picked all those winners.
+Do you really think he's lost his touch?
+Oh, he must have.
+He certainly wouldn't refuse to pick winners to help a cause like this.
+Say, Wilbur.
+Yeah?
+You should have told me it was for the milk fund.
+You mean you're going to pick today's winners?
+Only for today.
+Oh, thanks, Ed.
+Imagine picking Devil's tail.
+That horse will finish two lengths behind his own tail.
+Thanks, Ed.
+Stop it.
+What do I tell them?
+There must be some other way to make money.
+Wow.
+Carol, hey, I've got the touch again.
+I'm going to pick the winners today.
+Oh, darling.
+Oh, I'll tell Addison.
+Addison!
+Thank heaven you've come home to us.
+Aren't you angry at me anymore?
+Golden boy, was I ever angry with you?
+I'll need a few minutes alone to make my selection.
+Of course, of course.
+Everybody out of the yard.
+My friend wants privacy.
+Out, out, out.
+Adol!
+Shh.
+Do you think I'd look better in a blue yacht or a pink one?
+Don't be chintzy, dear.
+Why, both.
+In the eighth race, who will be blue?
+Five pounds over at 118 pounds.
+Uh, king's ransom to win.
+That's number three.
+Thank you.
+Number three, of course.
+Buddy boy.
+The horses are approaching the starting gate.
+Let's go, honey.
+Oh, I hope we win.
+Oh, I can see those mink sails on my yacht now.
+The starting gate.
+The flag is up.
+And coming around the turn, it's Clyver in front,
+followed by blue boy, windstorm is up.
+Where are you going, honey?
+I want to be first in line to collect my money.
+But we've got king's ransom.
+And he's dead last.
+Oh, I knew we couldn't do it three days in a row.
+And at the top of the stretch, it's Clyver.
+Clyver moving along the rail.
+Oh, here comes king's ransom.
+It's king's ransom.
+Oh, and underhand with the boat.
+Coming down the line, it's king's ransom.
+Wait for me, golden boy.
+Four winners in a row on all long shots.
+You're a genius.
+Four long shots in a row?
+What's he got in this one?
+Lady's choice.
+Can't lose.
+Can I have a look at it, please?
+Follow my friend's advice.
+It's like stealing money.
+Lady's choice.
+Likewise.
+Wilbur, aren't you going to watch the race?
+Why bother walking back to the box?
+Let's just wait here for our money.
+He sure is confident, ain't he?
+My friend, a bank would lend you any amount on his predictions.
+Lady's choice.
+Number four, please.
+Thank you.
+Number four.
+Likewise.
+Likewise.
+Well, who's going to win the next race?
+Oh, why is one...
+My selection is Bluebell.
+Bluebell.
+Bluebell.
+Come along with me, please.
+Mr. Post, according to Detective Weems, you picked six long shots in a row.
+Is that against the law?
+Of course not.
+But as steward of this track, I am naturally curious about your good fortune.
+Naturally.
+Have you been getting advice from any of the jockeys?
+No, sir.
+The owners?
+The trainers?
+Then who has been advising you?
+My horse.
+Mr. Post, you promised to cooperate.
+Now, you please tell us who has been giving you these tips.
+Ed.
+Ed who?
+My horse doesn't have a last name.
+He must have a last name.
+I can see that you're not getting anywhere.
+Gentlemen, I can clear this whole thing up with one phone call.
+May I use your phone?
+Go ahead, Ed.
+Thank you.
+Post residence.
+Oh, Ed, it's me.
+I'm at the racetrack.
+Ed, isn't it true that you've been giving me all the winners today?
+Sure, I gave you all the winners.
+Hello, this is Mr. Gray, the steward.
+Who is this?
+Mr. Ed, the horse.
+I don't know what you're doing, Post, but whatever it is, stop it.
+Yes.
+Oh, if either of you gentlemen want to bet the seventh race, the winner will be Prince Charming.
+Prince Charming?
+Yes, my horse just told me that Mrs. Prince Charming had a baby last week, so he'll be trying to win for the kid.
+What happened to your friend?
+Yeah, who are we going to bet on the seventh race?
+I don't know.
+Oh, yes, I do.
+Here he is.
+Wait.
+Wait, wait, wait.
+Quiet, quiet, please.
+Quiet, everyone, please.
+Ah, it is Prince Charming.
+Prince Charming!
+Prince Charming!
+Prince Charming!
+Attention, Prince Charming, number seven, has been declared.
+Hey, did you hear that?
+Prince Charming is back.
+What's your next choice?
+Come on, what is your next choice?
+Please, please.
+Don't panic.
+My goodness, there's plenty of money for everybody.
+Well, Wilbur?
+I don't know.
+Prince Charming was my only choice.
+Oh, come on, you've got to have some other one you like.
+Look at all the horses that are running.
+Oh, please, come on.
+Gentlemen, he has circled Devil's Tail.
+Devil's Tail!
+The horses are at the starting gate.
+The big race is going to start pretty soon.
+The girls had better hurry back.
+What's the rush?
+We didn't bet this race.
+Well, all I'm winning is on Devil's Tail.
+Oh, that's right.
+I may sell my house and move into my bank.
+What did you do?
+Who told you to bet on Devil's Tail?
+I did.
+I borrowed your newspaper from your pocket.
+That horse can't win.
+I picked it myself this morning.
+You picked all of them, darling.
+They're off to that running.
+He shouldn't have bet on Devil's Tail.
+He hasn't got a chance.
+Out in front, it's Devil's Tail on top by a break.
+Six winners.
+How greedy can you be?
+It's Devil's Tail by a break.
+Remember, I picked him all by myself.
+It's Devil's Tail on top by a break.
+I was just sitting in the office, you know.
+Nobody yelled at me.
+Just by sheer logic, I decided to pick on Devil's Tail.
+And the deer's hopper still fighting on the outside.
+He's holding it on Devil's Tail.
+The winner of the third prize is Snowflake,
+Snowflake,
+and the winner of the second prize is Milk Flake.
+Well, you can't win them all.
+I can't bear to think of it.
+My pretty blue yacht sank in the seventh race.
+My twelve apartment building.
+I think of all that money we could have had for that milk fund.
+Oh, wait a minute, honey.
+Here's some money for your milk fund.
+Where did you get all this money?
+I didn't bet on the seventh race.
+You didn't?
+My mother didn't raise me to be a gambler.
+My mother didn't raise me to be a gambler.
+Oh, you know where?
+Right there, right there.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
+And no one can talk to a horse, of course.
+That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse.
+He'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course.
+Talk to Mr. A.
+He'll booyakity yak the streak and waste your time a day.
+But Mr. A will never speak unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
+And this one will talk to his voice, his voice.
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. A.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E14 Ed the Songwriter.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,498 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Stay there, Wilbur, I'll get it.
+Hello.
+This is Paul Fenton.
+Just a minute.
+Thank you very much.
+Mr. Fenton.
+Oh, thanks, Ed.
+I ought to teach you shorthand.
+I'd look silly sitting on your lap.
+Okay.
+Hello, this is Mr. Post.
+I'm Paul Fenton.
+I'm looking for an architect to design my new house, and my sister-in-law, Kay Addison,
+recommended you.
+Kay?
+Well, that's very nice of her.
+Ed, quiet, this is important.
+When can we get together, Mr. Fenton?
+Can you meet me in my office tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock?
+The address is 1040 North Sunset Boulevard.
+I got it.
+Yeah, I'll see you in the morning.
+Thank you.
+Well, that was nice of Kay, wasn't it, huh?
+Buddy boy.
+Yeah?
+How about some oats for your secretary?
+How about some more?
+I'm a growing horse.
+Keep pouring.
+Okay, I want to thank you for the recommendation.
+Your brother-in-law called me about his new house.
+Oh, you'll love Paul, he's a doll.
+Kay, is this the brother-in-law who owns that music publishing company?
+Yes, it's a very popular company.
+I have a father who owns it.
+I'm the father of such immortal garbage as,
+I call my mother father cause I never had a dad.
+Oh, and that other masterpiece of his,
+I'm all dressed up with a hole in my heart.
+Well, that sold over 200,000 copies.
+What fool would buy a thing like that?
+Wilbur bought a copy for me.
+Well, I got it free with a pound of prunes.
+When are you seeing Paul?
+At 10 o'clock tomorrow morning.
+Should either of you gentlemen tell me if Mr. Fenton is in?
+Oh, he's in, man.
+But he's gone.
+I mean, way out, man.
+You dig?
+Are you Post?
+No, you must be Post.
+Come on in.
+Say, Mr. Fenton, we've been on ice here for a week.
+Take five, boys.
+Come in my office, Mr. Post.
+Kay's been saying some wonderful things about you.
+Musicians, musicians, millions of musicians,
+but so few good songs, right?
+Well, I'd take a look at this, my biggest smash.
+I'm all dressed up with a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+I've got a hole in my heart,
+you taking up another instrument?
+♪
+♪
+I happen to be Scottish
+and I'm very proud of the bagpipes.
+Honey, you're so puffed up.
+Maybe you'd better rest your face a while.
+You don't like the bagpipes, do you?
+Well...
+it sounds like a cat yelling for help.
+I'll overlook that.
+Honey, Paul Fenton asked me to try to remember this tune,
+and sometimes when you play an instrument,
+a forgotten melody comes back.
+I hate to say it, but I think you're scaring it away
+with that noise.
+-♪
+I'll get it.
+Oh, hello, Paul.
+Hi, Wilbur. I was just passing by when I...
+Oh, vacuuming the house?
+No, no, I'm trying to remember
+the rest of that little tune for you.
+Come on in. Oh, thanks very much.
+Carol, this is Paul Fenton. It's my wife, Carol.
+Hello, Mr. Fenton. My pleasure, Mrs. Post.
+I just happened to be in the neighborhood,
+well, not exactly in the neighborhood,
+about eight or ten miles away, and I, uh,
+I thought I'd drop in.
+Wilbur, I hope you remember the rest of that tune.
+It's been driving me mad.
+Well, I'm trying to recapture it with my bagpipes.
+Is he gonna play it or milk it?
+I'm not sure myself.
+-♪
+We thought your horse was in pain.
+Oh, no.
+Hi there, Sister-in-law, you great big, gorgeous,
+beautiful thing you...
+How I esphynx.
+Hello, Paul.
+Come, Kay, we were just leaving.
+No, no, no, stick around.
+Be right back, Paul.
+I want to get that preliminary sketch for you.
+Kay?
+Maybe you can help us remember a certain tune.
+What tune?
+Well, that's the trouble, we don't know.
+Yeah, Wilbur hummed a piece in my office this morning
+that has all the makings of a great big hit.
+Just what the country needs,
+another record monstrosity.
+Please, Roger, don't try to tell me how to pick songs.
+I very rarely miss.
+Yeah?
+How about the time you turned down Easter Parade?
+It's my fault.
+I figured that song could be good for only one day
+and I didn't even think about it.
+I figured that song could be good for only one day a year.
+What about White Christmas?
+I gave that one a week.
+And don't mention September Song or I may kill myself.
+September Song.
+Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,
+do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,
+do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
+Shit.
+Where did you hear that?
+Hear what?
+That tune, the one you were just humming.
+Oh, that.
+Just a little something I composed once.
+You wrote a song?
+It wasn't hoagie.
+This is great.
+I've been trying to remember that tune all day.
+How does it go?
+Give me an A, Wilbur.
+An A, Wilbur.
+No, no, no, no, no, no.
+There must be a middle and an ending to this tune.
+Let's try it again.
+Sound like three wounded bumblebees.
+Kay, can you give me one good reason why you married him?
+I needed new shoes.
+That's good enough.
+Yeah, let's try it again.
+I got it.
+I got it.
+I remember the whole tune.
+Well, let's hear it, Wilbur.
+Let's hear it.
+Something I made up a long time ago.
+Wilbur.
+You made up a song?
+It wasn't hoagie.
+It's a mystery on my bagpipes.
+You'll excuse me.
+It's getting late.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry.
+Wilbur, couldn't you just hum it?
+I'll let you build me a bigger house.
+Good, let's hear it.
+Paul, don't be so impatient.
+I'm trying to write the words to this tune.
+I'm working on it now.
+Oh, well, just a minute.
+He's here.
+I'll ask him.
+Paul wants to know if you want to invest some money in his company.
+He figures this song of mine's gonna be a hit and he wants...
+I don't think he's interested.
+No.
+Well, look, I'll call you back as soon as I finish the lyrics.
+Okay.
+Oh, Paul.
+Say, how do you like the plans for the house?
+Thanks.
+We're seeing ya.
+Moon, juice, boom, gloom, solo, spit tune.
+Please, I'm trying to write the lyrics for our tune.
+Our? When did I make you a partner?
+I didn't know it was so tough to write lyrics.
+Why don't you use mine?
+Please, Ed, I'm trying...
+You wrote words for your tune?
+Well, if Gershwin could, why can't I?
+Let's hear them. What's the title?
+Pretty Little Filly.
+Pretty Little Filly? That's cute.
+She thought so, too.
+She?
+Yeah, the little filly I was running around with at the time.
+Okay, Ed, let's hear the words.
+Well, sound your A.
+Okay.
+Close enough.
+I love it, Wilbur. I love the title, Pretty Little Filly.
+It's great for the teenagers.
+Now, let me hear the lyrics.
+The lyrics?
+Sure, Paul. He wants me to sing the lyrics.
+Well, you ruined my song.
+Better let me sing it.
+Hello, Paul.
+Look, there's a friend of mine here. He's gonna sing it.
+He's got a much better voice than I have.
+Are you listening?
+Good.
+Got to date a little later
+When the moon is on the trail
+With the cutest triple gator
+My pretty little filly with a ponytail
+It's beautiful.
+Just beautiful. It can't miss.
+It's got to be a hit, Wilbur. It's got to be a hit.
+Paul seems like such a nice fellow. Why doesn't Roger like him?
+I don't think Addison's ever forgiven him for what he did at our wedding.
+Oh? What was that?
+Paul is very emotional.
+And when the minister pronounced his man and wife,
+he rushed up and kissed me before Addison.
+But I think that's terribly funny.
+You do?
+Yes.
+What's so funny, Carol?
+Kenny was just telling me something funny that happened to her at the beauty parlor.
+Good news! Good news!
+I just gave Paul my lyrics and he says
+that Pretty Little Filly is gonna be his first big hit of the season.
+That big lyric?
+First big hit of the season.
+That big loud mouth couldn't be first at anything.
+He was at your wedding.
+Paul told me what happened at the ceremony.
+I hate a man who kisses and tells.
+Hello?
+Oh, yes, Paul.
+What?
+A 40-piece orchestra?
+That's right. I'm setting up a recording date.
+Oh, and tell your friend to keep himself available.
+What friend?
+The fellow with the deep voice. I want him to sing the song.
+But does it have to be him?
+Of course it has to be him!
+He has just the right sound.
+You don't understand, Wilbur.
+He's the one who's going to make us rich.
+Doesn't that make you happy?
+Wilbur, say something.
+No.
+Ed, stop saying no.
+No.
+Stop it.
+Fenton wants the same voice he heard on the phone to make the record.
+Did you tell him I'm a horse?
+Not yet.
+Well, let's keep it that way, buddy boy.
+But Ed!
+You know I only talk in front of you.
+I'm not asking you to talk. I'm asking you to sing.
+You're quibbling.
+I don't want to pressure you, Ed.
+But if you don't make this record,
+Fenton is liable to cancel a deal to build his house.
+Hi, fellas. Is Mr. Fenton in?
+Gee, man, I don't know.
+We've only been here a month.
+Wilbur, come on in.
+Thank you.
+Won't be long, boys.
+Now, now, now. Sit down, Wilbur.
+Make yourself comfortable.
+What's it going to be, Wilbur?
+Something to eat, drink?
+I know, champagne. I'll order the works.
+My friend can't sing the song.
+Operator, get...
+Can't sing the song?
+We'll have to get somebody else.
+Wilbur, I don't want anybody else.
+I want the fellow with the deep voice.
+He's got a quality that just fits me.
+That just fits, pretty little filly.
+Well, I'm sorry, but he isn't available.
+Ah, he's out of town.
+No, he's in my barn.
+In that case, we get nothing.
+He's in your barn?
+Paul, my horse wrote the song.
+Your horse wrote...
+Ha! Ha!
+What a sense of humor!
+For a minute, you had me fooled.
+Your horse wrote the song.
+Ha, ha, ha, what a gig!
+Wait till I tell the boys down at the club about this.
+That's the funniest thing I've...
+Wilbur, you're not laughing.
+My horse really did write the song.
+Wilbur, I'll get you a cold towel.
+Look, he would tell you himself,
+only he won't talk to anybody but me.
+He won't... the horse.
+He wrote the song?
+Yeah.
+He wrote the lyrics, too?
+He just sat down at the piano and knocked off the tune?
+A horse can't play the piano.
+Of course not, his hooves are too big to get on the keys.
+He has a harmonica.
+Wilbur, let's face it.
+You don't want me to have the song.
+You want to sell it to a bigger company.
+That is not true.
+Aha! I know what it is, it's that Addison.
+He's the one who's responsible for this whole thing.
+Instead of kissing her at the wedding,
+I should have shot him.
+Paul, about the house...
+maybe you'd like to get another architect.
+Please, please.
+How can I think about that now?
+I still don't know why you won't tell us who your singer is.
+What's the difference? He won't sing.
+It's a shame.
+I just talked to my sister,
+and she says that Paul is just heartbroken.
+Shake hands with your new partner.
+Partner?
+That song of yours kept running through my mind,
+and I said to myself, this is going to be a hit.
+I walked into Paul's office and said,
+now Paul, forget about my personal feeling towards you,
+this is business.
+This song of Wilbur's can't miss,
+and I want to get in on the process.
+Well, he just looked at me, didn't say a word.
+Just pocketed my check,
+and why are you all staring at me?
+Come, doll, I'll make you some cocoa and put you to bed.
+But I don't want to go to bed.
+You will after you hear the news.
+Well, we just lost a neighbor.
+Oh, no, honey, don't say that.
+Why, Roger is a very intelligent man,
+and when Kay explains to him what happened...
+Oh, no!
+Oh!
+What were you saying?
+We just lost a neighbor.
+All right, getting late.
+We better turn in.
+Oh, honey, look.
+All that fencing. He just won't give up.
+Wilbur.
+Paul, you're a good man.
+You're a good man.
+Paul, it's useless.
+Wilbur, please talk to your friend.
+Beg him to sing Pretty Little Filly for us.
+It's a bright song, a happy song,
+and the country could use a little cheering up now.
+Don't ask me, ask him.
+All right.
+Still sticking to the same old story.
+Our country needs my song, and you turn him down.
+Me?
+You'll benedict Arnold.
+You mean you'll sing Pretty Little Filly?
+On one condition.
+One condition? What is it?
+Now, listen.
+You don't have to...
+Morning, fellas.
+No, no! Don't jump!
+What jump? I was just fixing the Venetian blind.
+Paul, I'm gonna record that song for you.
+You?
+Yeah. I'm the fellow with the deep voice.
+That was me you heard on the phone.
+Oh, come on. Now Wilbur, a joke's a joke.
+Yeah, it's true.
+It's just that when I sing in front of people,
+I get nervous and my voice changes completely.
+It's sort of like Jekyll and Hyde.
+Jekyll and Hyde.
+Jekyll sings high, and Hyde is the low one.
+Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.
+I'll get you a small recording studio.
+No, no, no. No studio.
+We'll record in my barn.
+Barn?
+The acoustics are just great.
+You did say barn.
+Well, where am I gonna put the orchestra?
+No 40-piece orchestra. Just a small combo.
+Man, we've cut records in some weird places before,
+but this is the wildest.
+Imagine.
+Married to a man and I never even knew he could sing.
+I was married to Addison for 10 years
+before I found out he could wiggle his ears.
+Give us a wiggle, doll.
+Here he comes.
+Excuse me, friends. It's showtime.
+Oh, Wilbur.
+Are you sure you want that horse in the same stall with you?
+He's liable to make some noise.
+Well, I hope he doesn't.
+I don't know.
+I don't know.
+He's liable to make some noise.
+Well, I hope so.
+I mean, he's my good luck piece.
+Thor horseshoes?
+All right, fellas, stand by.
+All right, men.
+One, two.
+Got to date a little later
+When the moon is on the trail
+With the cutest triple gator
+My pretty little filly with a ponytail
+Got a bag of oats to call with
+Hey, I'll bring her by the bale
+Want to share a double stall
+With the pretty little filly with a ponytail
+Gee, if she would just agree
+She'd be mine today
+But no matter when I ask
+The answer's always nay, nay, nay, nay
+If she'd name that day of wedlock
+I would be there without fail
+Got the ring made for her fatlock
+The pretty little filly with a ponytail
+Ponytail
+Well, Ed, what do you think of our song?
+It's a gas, sir.
+Gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And no one can talk to a horse, of course
+That is, of course, unless
+The horse is the famous Mr. A
+Go right to the source and ask the horse
+He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse
+He's always on a steady course
+Talk to Mr. A
+Heeple-yackity-yack a streak
+A day, a day, a day, a day
+But Mr. Ed will never speak
+Unless he has something to say
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And this one will talk to his voice, his horse
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this
+I am Mr. Ed
+This has been a Filmways television presentation

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E15 Ed the Stoolpigeon.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,569 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+How are the carrots, Ed?
+Delicious.
+Want some more?
+No, thanks, I've had it.
+Wilbur?
+Yeah?
+I'm lucky.
+Nice table, all the food I can eat, and a wonderful owner.
+You deserve it, Ed.
+Why don't you adopt me and make it legal?
+You're already one of the family.
+Minus you, Carol, and me.
+Just the three of us.
+That's my boy.
+Wilbur, how would you like to join me for lunch?
+You know, a nice meat sandwich, some french fried potatoes, pickles?
+Sounds good.
+Would you mind preparing it?
+Why don't we wait until the girls get back, huh?
+Oh, you know where my wife is?
+She's with Carol.
+Today they're working for the Humane Society.
+There they go again.
+Once again, our dear wives are off on another one of their civic projects.
+In the meantime, we join the Legion of the Hungry.
+Yep, stomach's synonymous.
+There should be a Humane Society for husbands.
+Oh, do you mind if I browse through your refrigerator?
+I looked in mine and even the light was out.
+Help yourself.
+Thank you.
+In the meantime, in case the cupboard is bare, throw me a carrot.
+What's that?
+You can bet it ain't a horse.
+I wish Addison would let me buy a poodle.
+Doesn't he like dogs?
+He barely tolerates me.
+Oh, come on, Pierre.
+Come to your Aunt Kay.
+Oh, girls.
+Oh, hi, honey.
+Cute little dog.
+Whose is it?
+Ours.
+Oh, honey, Kay and I have been working at the pound and he was so cute, I just couldn't resist bringing him home.
+Honey, I don't mind you getting a dog, but couldn't you get a man's dog?
+I mean, these dogs are so frail and pute and...
+Welcome to the family.
+Well, he's a cute little thing, isn't he?
+What's his name?
+Pierre.
+He's a lost dog.
+Nobody claimed him.
+If you offer him a biscuit, he rolls over.
+If somebody offered me a biscuit, I'd roll over, too.
+Oh, come on, doll.
+I'll fix your lunch right now.
+Did I neglect my sweetheart?
+I don't know about him, but I'm starving.
+Oh, come on.
+Roger, wait.
+Don't you want to see the cute tricks Pierre can do?
+I do not like these barking, noisy creatures.
+He can't forget the time that a dog bit him on the beach.
+Neither can the dog.
+I bit him right back.
+Come on, Pete.
+Come on, Pierre.
+Let's see if you can do some tricks.
+Yeah.
+Oh, you're so cute.
+Maybe you can sit up, huh?
+Yeah, Pete.
+Come on, Pierre.
+Sit up.
+Sit up.
+Sit up.
+Come on, sit.
+Oh, look.
+Hey, that's great.
+Isn't that adorable?
+Just the three of us here.
+Carol, I want you and Wilbur to see the sweater that I got for little Pierre.
+Sure, come on over.
+Addison doll, wait till you see what I just bought.
+Woman, have you no regard for money?
+Of course.
+I love it.
+Then why do you get rid of it so fast?
+How do you like it?
+Beautiful.
+Wear it in good health.
+No, it's for Pierre.
+My money is buying ermine for a dog?
+How come you didn't buy a mink?
+Don't be silly, doll.
+It wouldn't go with his coloring.
+Ermine for a dog, and I have to scrounge for a sandwich.
+Carol, look what I got for Pierre.
+Any dog would love it, wouldn't he?
+Oh, it's adorable.
+Wilbur, look, an ermine sweater for Pierre.
+Oh, Roger, you shouldn't.
+Oh, Wilbur, I didn't.
+I hope it's the right size.
+If it's too small, Pierre can always wear it as a stole.
+Oh, Wilbur, look.
+Hold still, Pierre.
+You'll love every minute of it.
+Beautiful fit.
+Isn't it a beautiful fit, Roger?
+Like the cut of a pocket.
+I like it.
+Darling.
+It just suits him.
+It's marvelous.
+This town's not big enough for both of us.
+That French mutt's gotta go.
+It's one o'clock.
+Up, Pierre.
+Rise and shine.
+Bark.
+Wake up that Roger Addison.
+Louder, Pierre.
+Let's hear it for all day.
+Come on.
+Bark.
+Bark.
+That's a nice little stupid dog.
+I knew this would happen.
+I knew it.
+I knew it.
+Oh, please don't call, Wilbur.
+It's one o'clock and you'll wake them.
+Fine.
+We'll have a pajama party.
+Wrong number.
+Please, doll, they're our friends.
+Don't start anything.
+I am not going to spend the rest of my life falling out of bed at one o'clock in the morning.
+Calm yourself, sweetheart.
+Oh, there's a nice doggie.
+Doll.
+Let's go to sleep.
+Sorry I'm late with your breakfast, Ed, but I had to feed Pierre.
+You know it's hard to find out what a little dog wants.
+Well, that's okay.
+As long as the little fella's happy.
+Say, I hope his barking didn't wake you up last night.
+What barking?
+Didn't hear a thing.
+Wilbur, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
+I know.
+I'm sorry our dog woke you up last night.
+It won't happen again.
+Oh, you sold him?
+No.
+I'm going to spend the day teaching him not to bark.
+You're a strange man, Wilbur.
+First a horse, now a dog.
+I hope the camels move in.
+Anybody who doesn't like dogs is no good in my book.
+Hey, meatloaf, rise and shine.
+I'm Grouch Addison.
+Come on, Pierre, bark.
+Wilbur's training got to him.
+Come on, Pierre, bark.
+Like this.
+Arf, arf, arf.
+That's it, keep it up.
+Never mind my butt pressure.
+I'm going to get that mutter on Mugrazu.
+Arf, arf, arf.
+What's he worried about?
+About him waking up out of a sound sleep.
+Oh, poor baby.
+I wonder why he was barking.
+Maybe he heard a noise.
+Impossible.
+He would have awakened dead.
+Wilbur, you promised.
+I think I've been very nice about this.
+You're absolutely right.
+What's wrong with little Pierre?
+What is wrong with him?
+Carol thinks the dog may have heard a sudden noise.
+That was me falling out of bed.
+Kids, don't be angry with Addison.
+He's a little nervous because he hasn't been sleeping very much lately.
+I mean, bye now.
+Why can't you fall asleep?
+He can't count sheep.
+Maybe he's hungry.
+Oh, I'll give him some more milk.
+Ed.
+Coming, Mother.
+Oh, hi, Wilbur.
+What's up?
+Pierre woke up the Addisons again with his barking.
+That poor little pup.
+He's probably teething.
+He might be right.
+He needs love, affection, someone who cares.
+Ed, you are all heart.
+Oh.
+We got to do something for that little dog.
+I sure will.
+Operator, get me the police department.
+Oh, come on, Roger.
+We want you over for breakfast.
+Roger?
+Roger?
+What?
+Why is that, Wilbur?
+We want you and Kay over for breakfast.
+I'm sorry about last night.
+I promise you it won't happen again.
+What do you say, Roger?
+Will you come over?
+We're having your favorite, Kipper's.
+Roger?
+Huh?
+Kipper's?
+No, no, this is not the Kipper residence.
+You have the wrong number.
+This is Mr. Addison.
+Roger, don't hang up.
+This is Wilbur.
+Carol is having your favorite for breakfast.
+Kipper's.
+Kipper's.
+Well, why didn't you say so?
+Yeah, we'll be right over.
+Kipper's?
+Okay, honey, they're coming.
+Oh, wonderful.
+Kay once told me that Roger loves Kipper's.
+Well, he'll flip over yours.
+Nobody kips a Kipper like you do, kid.
+Mr. Post?
+Yes?
+You own a dog?
+Yes, what's wrong?
+We've had a complaint that your dog's barking is waking the neighborhood.
+What?
+This is a warning.
+Next time, we'll have to take action.
+Who complained?
+Mr. Thompson.
+Thompson?
+Officer, there's no Thompson in this neighborhood.
+Well, you know how it is.
+Neighbors sometimes hesitate to use their right name.
+I'd keep that dog quiet if I were you.
+Mr. Thompson.
+I wonder who that is.
+Kipper's.
+Oh, that heavenly older...
+Hello, Roger.
+Good morning.
+Oh, they look delicious.
+Did I forget to say, may I?
+Don't act so innocent, Mr. Thompson.
+What are you talking about?
+We're talking about a man who would stab his neighbor in the back when his dog was turned.
+Now, go in the house and play with Addison.
+Good morning, darlings.
+Look at the cute little booties that I bought for Pierre.
+No Kippers for me, no booties for that hound.
+Don't you call my dog a hound.
+Kay, you belong to the Humane Society.
+How could you let Roger do a thing like that?
+What did he do?
+Eat all the Kippers?
+They've accused me of turning their dog into the police.
+They did?
+Well, that wasn't very nice of you, Addison.
+Kay, I did nothing.
+Now, wait a minute, Thompson.
+And stop calling me Thompson.
+Honestly, you two.
+Please sit down, Roger.
+Here, honey, sit down here, please.
+It'll soon be just the three of us again.
+Pierre ought to love that little doghouse.
+I can't get over that guy calling the police.
+He makes Fagin look like a Girl Scout.
+That Addison.
+He brings out the beast in me.
+If only you could buy back my introduction to him.
+Post?
+What is it, Thompson?
+You know my name.
+It's on that hammer you borrowed last week.
+Since when is your name Sears Roebuck?
+That's my initials right there, R-A.
+Oh, Rotten Apple.
+See here, Post.
+You're tarnishing my belt buckle.
+For your information, it will never tarnish.
+I gave you that belt for your birthday,
+and the buckle is solid gold.
+Gold-plated.
+Oh, I suppose you had it priced.
+I didn't have to.
+You left the price ticket in the box.
+I'm not ashamed of what I paid for it.
+That cost me $13.95.
+$3.95?
+You put a one in front of the three.
+Look, the stores don't close till five.
+Maybe you can get your money back.
+I don't care about the $3.95.
+I...
+I don't see you returning that tie I gave you for Christmas.
+Oh, oh, oh.
+Temper, temper, temper.
+I gave you something for Christmas, too.
+All right.
+Happy now?
+No.
+I gave you a hat.
+And stop being childish.
+Me, childish?
+You phone the police, and I'm childish.
+I did nothing of the kind.
+Oh, what's the use?
+Please get up.
+You are denting my dichondra.
+Roger, what happened?
+Wilbur, where's your shirt?
+Well, Mr. Thompson here.
+I'll explain.
+Carol, whatever you saw in that man,
+it's not there anymore.
+Come on now, boys.
+Wait, Roger.
+Wilbur, make up.
+Say something.
+Okay.
+Get off my property.
+Wilbur, please.
+I do not want to discuss it anymore.
+Idiots.
+Here's something for your nerves, doll.
+How can Wilbur accuse me of turning in his dog?
+You never know who your friends are
+until a thing like this happens.
+Oh, you're right, dear.
+Now tell me, why did you call the police?
+Kay, you've got to believe me.
+Well, you really don't like Pierre.
+May I lose every penny I have in the bank
+if I call the police?
+Now I believe you.
+Carol, sweetie?
+Right here, Kay.
+Sweetie, we've got to get this thing settled once and for all.
+Now, where's Wilbur?
+Upstairs.
+Kay, if Roger would only apologize to Wilbur.
+Well, that's why I came over.
+Addison never called the police.
+Are you sure?
+He swore on his money belt,
+and that's good enough for me.
+Wilbur?
+Wilbur?
+Yes?
+Kay is here, and she said that Roger
+did not make that phone call.
+Oh, then he's not really Mr. Thompson.
+Well, if he were, then I'd be Mrs. Thompson.
+Mr. Post?
+I've just had another complaint.
+I'm sorry, but I've come to pick up your dog.
+What complaint?
+That same Mr. Thompson again.
+Does he sound like he had a mustache?
+I don't know who he is,
+but he sure doesn't like barking dogs.
+Excuse me.
+I'm afraid I'll have to pick up your dog.
+Where is he?
+He's out playing.
+I'm afraid I'll have to pick up your dog.
+Where is he?
+He's out back.
+Just a minute, officer.
+Do you have a warrant to arrest that dog?
+Yes, have you got one?
+Oh, come now, folks.
+Every dog has its rights.
+Take it easy.
+Our constitution guarantees freedom of speech.
+A dog can't speak, so he barks.
+Look, I've got a job to do.
+Now, where'd that dog go?
+There he is!
+Come on!
+Right here!
+Right!
+Right here!
+Doll, you've got to take something for your nerves.
+Kay, I did not make that first call nor the second,
+and I don't understand why Wilbur doesn't believe me.
+Well, sweetie, sometimes you don't believe me either.
+We're married.
+I'll have another pill.
+I don't need a pill.
+I've got one living next door,
+and I'm going over there to talk with him right now.
+But, Addison, dear, please, you'll be sick.
+You're so nervous.
+Bark!
+Bark!
+Bark!
+Bark!
+Bark!
+Excuse me.
+Excuse me.
+Excuse me.
+You get out of my house.
+I'm going to get my dog.
+But, Addison, you wanted to speak to Wilbur.
+In his house.
+He's not welcome in my house.
+I don't want guys like you that give stool pigeons a bad name.
+Excuse me, doll.
+That way.
+Excuse me.
+Excuse me, please.
+Will you kindly leave my house?
+I'd like to take my arm with me.
+And I'll thank you never to bother my lawnmower again.
+Don't worry.
+The next time I catch you sniffing my roses,
+I'll phone the police.
+Did the dog run through here?
+Post the minute you moved in next door,
+I knew there'd be trouble.
+Excuse me.
+A man that would turn in a little dog.
+Excuse me.
+Who would sell out his own brother.
+And at a profit.
+I don't have a brother.
+The best thing that could have happened to him.
+What are you doing here, you little troublemaker?
+Ed, is Pierre in there?
+No, I haven't seen the little angel.
+Addison called the police again.
+They want to take Pierre back to the pound.
+Well, maybe the little fellow would be happier there.
+Ed, don't say that.
+When a dog gets marked as a troublemaker,
+nobody wants him.
+He'd spend the rest of his life in the pound.
+The rest of his life?
+Yes, and he's just a little puppy.
+Imagine Pierre being locked up for the rest of his life.
+No family, nothing.
+I never thought of that.
+That's what'll happen to Pierre.
+Locked up until he's too old.
+And then...
+Wilbur.
+Yeah?
+I've got a confession to make.
+Confession? What?
+I am Mr. Thompson.
+What?
+You made those phone calls?
+Yeah.
+Ed, why did you do it?
+Since Pierre came here, you don't know I'm alive.
+Oh, Ed.
+You've got no reason to be jealous.
+Well, there's nobody around here could ever take your place.
+You mean that, Wilbur.
+Of course I do.
+Ed, we're buddies.
+Let's shake on it.
+All right, let's shake.
+There.
+Ahem.
+Well, am I keeping you up?
+Pierre.
+Did you see the dog?
+Officer, you can forget about it.
+Mr. Thompson said he's calling off his complaint.
+He did, huh?
+Yes.
+He said he'd call the police station and talk to the sergeant personally.
+I wish that Thompson would make up his mind.
+Quiet, boy.
+What did you say?
+Believe me, I didn't say anything.
+I suppose it was the horse.
+It was.
+Okay, I'm so worried.
+Where could Pierre be?
+Maybe that officer found him and took him back to the pound.
+Oh, no.
+The poor little thing.
+Roger.
+Roger, I'm sorry.
+I know you didn't call the police.
+Mr. Thompson just told me that he did.
+Are we still friends?
+Now, really, Addison.
+Pierre.
+You've been protecting him.
+I have not.
+I don't know how he got here.
+Do you see now why I married this cupcake?
+Let's not get mushy.
+He likes you, Mr. Thompson.
+I mean Roger.
+That's right.
+So I'll get him.
+Here he is now.
+Wilbur, tell them all.
+Thanks, Dick.
+Hello.
+Yes, this is Mr. Post.
+Little dog?
+He's right here, yeah.
+Yes, he's a gray miniature poodle.
+With the Dutch trim, that's right.
+Oh.
+Well, okay.
+Thank you very much.
+Goodbye.
+That was the pound.
+They've located Pierre's owner.
+It's a little boy.
+Gee, I'll miss this pup.
+We all will.
+Well, I better go and tell Carol.
+Uh, Wilbur.
+What?
+Get that little boy's address, will you?
+What for?
+Well, I might just want to nip Pierre something one of these days.
+Oh, and just like I said, you're all hot.
+Uh.
+I wonder if you can understand what I've been saying, Pierre.
+I like you.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
+And no one can talk to a horse, of course.
+That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse.
+He'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course.
+Talk to Mr. A.
+He'll go yakety-yak the street and waste your time a day.
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
+And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse.
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E16 Psychoanalyst Show.autogenerated.txt

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+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+You know, I receive so many letters from you girls, and the letters kind of go like this.
+Dear Jack LaLanne, will you please show us something to firm up the hips?
+All right, I want you to lie on your side, face me.
+Then I want you to lift your leg as high as you can, just like this.
+Now let's all do this.
+Ready?
+Begin.
+One and two, that's it, and higher and down, up, down, and rest.
+One, two.
+That was fine, perfect.
+Now, the next move we're going to do, we're going to have to be standing on our feet,
+so everyone get up.
+Come on, everyone, up on your feet.
+That's it, up, up, up, up, up.
+We always have somebody that's a kind of a slow one.
+Get up, get up, up on your feet.
+Great, that's it.
+Now the next exercise is dedicated to all of you who want to have a lovelier neck.
+That's for me.
+Nice.
+Let's all begin together.
+Ready?
+Go.
+One, two, that's it, slowly, up and down and around.
+That's it, and one and two.
+That's it, and one and two.
+That feels good.
+Now the next exercise is something to firm up the waistline so you can look much nicer
+in your clothes.
+Here's how it goes.
+We go first right, then to the left.
+Now you go with me.
+Ready?
+Begin.
+One, two, one, two.
+Swing it.
+Right.
+One, two.
+Get way out.
+That's it, feel the waistline tightening up.
+One, two.
+Out, in.
+One, two.
+One, two.
+One, two.
+And you and this television set.
+Oh, Wilbur.
+You left it on again last night.
+I fell asleep.
+Get me a remote control and it won't happen.
+Remote control.
+Next thing you'll be asking for is a color television.
+Oh, no.
+I may be a horse, but I'm not a pig.
+Dishes just no end.
+In our house, my husband does them.
+Kay, you're always joking.
+I've been in your house when you did the dishes.
+Yeah, but that's only on the nights when my husband does the cooking.
+Hello, girls.
+Oh, say hi, Wilbur.
+I'm glad you came in.
+Would you do me a great favor?
+You can have anything I've got.
+My horse, my house, my mortgage.
+That's exactly what I want.
+Our mortgage?
+No, that's what I call being a good neighbor.
+Oh, no, no, no.
+I'd like to borrow Mr. Ed for this Saturday.
+Oh, you want to take him for a ride?
+Me?
+I wouldn't ride a horse if he came with whitewall tires.
+No, it's from my little niece, Peggy.
+Oh, is she feeling any better?
+Quite a bit.
+You know, I got a letter from her this morning and she wants more than anything else to ride
+Mr. Ed again.
+Oh, sure.
+When's she coming to town?
+Well, she can't leave Mountain Springs for a while.
+She's still recuperating.
+So I guess we'll just have to take Mr. Ed up to see her, huh?
+Oh, honey, can we?
+It's all right with me.
+I don't think Ed has anything planned for the weekend.
+Oh, thanks, Wilbur.
+Killings, shootings, violence.
+Is this for our children?
+You know something, man?
+We're going to see little Peggy again.
+Oh, swell.
+When is she coming over?
+Well, she's at Mountain Springs, still recuperating.
+We're going up there.
+Mountain Springs?
+How high is that?
+It's about 3,000 feet.
+No, no, the deal's off.
+Why?
+I've got acrophobia.
+Acrophobia?
+That's a fear of high places.
+I know what it is, but I didn't know horses could be afraid of heights.
+Why not?
+I'm a human.
+Mountain Springs is only 3,000 feet.
+Please.
+I get dizzy when I look down my nose.
+Ed, it's for little Peggy.
+Don't you want to help her?
+Sure, but let's face it, Wilbur, I'm yellow.
+Ed.
+I don't want to talk about it anymore.
+My horse is chicken.
+That's right.
+I'm going to go.
+Ed, I promised Kay that we'd go to Mountain Springs this weekend to see her niece.
+Oh, a fine thing.
+All the favors that I've done for you, and this is the way you repay me.
+All right.
+You can just forget about that remote control, said buddy boy.
+Wilbur, to whom are you talking?
+Myself.
+Didn't you ever talk to yourself?
+Not since I've been married.
+Are you all right?
+You'd never better.
+Look, about little Peggy.
+I just talked with her on the phone.
+Wilbur, you have no idea what a wonderful thing you are doing for that child.
+Just the idea of seeing Mr. Ed again has filled that child's heart with happiness.
+Yeah.
+Well, Roger, I'm afraid you're going to have to get yourself another horse.
+Ed can't make it this Saturday.
+He can't make it?
+Why?
+Is anything wrong with him?
+Well, I, uh, we...
+Got a sore foot.
+Peggy is going to be terribly disappointed.
+I'd better tell Kay.
+Oh, no.
+I just haven't got the heart to call that child and tell her the bad news.
+I don't understand it.
+When I saw Mr. Ed this morning, he seemed perfectly all right.
+Well, why don't we rent another horse?
+Peggy would never know the difference.
+Oh, of course she would.
+It's very hard to fool a little girl.
+Kay.
+Kay, I'm sorry.
+If it would help any, I'd throw a saddle on my back and let Peggy ride me.
+It's not your fault, Wilbur.
+After all, if the horse...
+Well, your horse seems to have made a remarkable recovery.
+Yeah, well, Ed suffers from a chronic broken leg.
+I mean, it comes and goes.
+Well, I might as well tell you the truth.
+Ed's got acrophobia.
+Acrophobia?
+What?
+Yeah, that's a fear of heights.
+It runs in the family.
+Wilbur, you've been talking very strangely today.
+Do you feel all right?
+I feel fine.
+He just invented that story so he wouldn't have to lend us his horse.
+Oh, but Wilbur, you promised.
+Honey, I'm sorry.
+Acrophobia.
+You know, I'm beginning to develop a case of neighbor phobia.
+Come here.
+Indian giver.
+You believe me, don't you?
+Of course I believe you're an Indian giver.
+Ed, I think I've got it.
+The answer to your problem is hypnotism.
+You see, Ed, you're suffering from a phobia.
+Would you stop chewing those carrots while I'm talking to you?
+You ain't hypnotizing me, Svengali.
+I'm just going to put you into a little trance and then make a few post-hypnotic suggestions
+to your subconscious.
+I got a better suggestion.
+Give me back my carrot.
+Yeah.
+Now, just do as I say now.
+Watch the watch.
+Now, you're getting sleepy.
+Sleepy, sleepy.
+Your eyes are getting heavy.
+You... are... asleep.
+Rock-a-bye, baby.
+Now, cut that out.
+Rock-a-bye, baby.
+Now, cut that out.
+Don't you want to lick this height phobia
+and help that little girl?
+Okay, I won't horse around.
+Now, don't talk at all.
+You just make your mind a complete blank.
+This is ridiculous.
+Relax.
+You are getting sleepy.
+Sleepy.
+Sleepy.
+Oh.
+Keep your eye on the nice new watch now.
+Oh.
+What are you doing?
+Hmm? Oh.
+Oh, I was just winding my watch.
+I'm glad you wind it with that little knob on top.
+Oh, well, I got tired of winding it that way.
+I thought I'd just break the monotony of winding my watch.
+Wilbert, do you feel all right?
+Of course I feel all right.
+Why do you always ask that?
+Lunch will be ready in a few minutes.
+Thank you, honey.
+Well, he certainly has been acting rather odd.
+Now, Carol, I don't want to worry you,
+but I caught Wilbert talking to himself earlier today.
+Yeah, and that business about his horse having acrophobia.
+And now waving his watch to wind it.
+Roger, maybe there's something on his mind that he can't tell me.
+Will you please have a talk with him?
+Well, of course. Now, don't you worry.
+Everything is going to be all right.
+Just leave it to me.
+Thank you, Roger.
+Don't bother.
+What do you think, doll?
+I think some psychiatrist can start warming up his couch.
+Maybe he does need psychiatry.
+Why don't you suggest it to him?
+I will, but I'll have to be very subtle.
+You know, those who need help most usually resist.
+Their id is in a continual state of turmoil.
+But I'll try.
+Goodbye, Sigmund.
+Well, winding your watch, I see.
+Uh, yeah, yes.
+Well, that reminds me. I forgot to wind mine.
+Wilbur, I need your advice.
+Oh, yeah?
+What can I do for you?
+Well, it concerns a friend of mine.
+He's been under a good deal of tension lately, and he's acting rather strangely.
+I was wondering what I could do to help him.
+How about a doctor?
+Psychiatrist. An excellent suggestion.
+You know, there's a time in every man's life when he needs outside help to get rid of his neuroses and phobias.
+Phobia?
+I know just the doctor for my friend.
+Yeah, well, look, I, uh, I have a friend who has that kind of problem.
+Would you give me your doctor's name and address?
+Oh, sure, of course. Yes.
+Here. Write it down.
+Right. Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah.
+Why are you writing with a carrot?
+Don't you always write with a carrot?
+No, no, I, I use a pencil.
+You better get a hold of yourself, Roger.
+Psychiatry. I'm sure my friend will appreciate this.
+Uh, yes, uh, yeah.
+Thanks, Roger.
+I'm worried about him, Ed.
+He was trying to write with a carrot.
+Oh, well.
+Dr. Bruce Gordon.
+Wilbur.
+Yeah?
+No head shrinkers for me.
+Sure.
+Hello, Dr. Bruce Gordon?
+This is Wilbur Post.
+Roger Addison recommended you to me.
+Roger, it's him.
+Yes, Mr. Post, what can I do for you?
+I'd like an appointment.
+All right, Mr. Post, when would be convenient?
+Well, could you come to my barn?
+Your barn?
+Yeah.
+I'd come to your office, but my horse won't ride in the elevator.
+He's in big trouble.
+Your horse?
+Yes, he's the patient.
+He's afraid of heights.
+This is a classic case.
+He says he has a horse that has a fear of heights.
+So that's it.
+Wilbur has acrophobia and he's afraid to let anyone know.
+That's why he canceled his trip to the mountains.
+That's the least of his worries.
+I don't usually make barn calls, Mr. Post,
+but since you're a friend of Roger's, I'll accommodate you.
+Thank you, doctor.
+Can you be here at 2 o'clock sharp?
+Yes.
+You see, my wife goes to the beauty parlor, so my horse and I will be expecting you.
+Goodbye.
+Goodbye.
+Bruce, you're doing me a great favor.
+You're doing me a greater favor.
+I think this ought to get me the lead article in the psychiatric journal.
+A horse.
+Interesting.
+Well, Ed, Dr. Gordon will be here at 2 o'clock.
+You're wasting your time.
+I don't talk to anybody except you.
+Ed, please, don't worry.
+I've thought of that.
+I'm going to make the doctor believe that I am the patient.
+We don't look alike.
+Here's my plan.
+The doctor will go into my office.
+I'll go into the stall with you.
+Behind closed doors, he'll think he's talking to me.
+Ha! Ha! He will be, because I ain't going to be there.
+Ed, please.
+Please, Ed.
+Little Peggy, this dear little girl is recuperating,
+and she wants to see you.
+Now, Ed, you want to help her, don't you?
+Okay, okay.
+Stop with the hearts and flowers.
+Why don't we go into your office, Mr. Post?
+I don't want my horse to hear this.
+Oh.
+What if he did?
+Then he wouldn't talk.
+I see.
+Your horse talks.
+Well, that's what I want to tell you.
+You're going to be the only other person who knows that he does.
+Good, good.
+I'm honored.
+But let's get started.
+I have a long paper to write when this is over.
+Yes, Mr. Doctor.
+Now, Doctor, you go into my office,
+and I'll go into the stall,
+and the next voice you hear will be mine.
+We're all set, Ed.
+Okay, Doctor, I'm ready when you are.
+Now, Mr. Post, I want you just to relax
+and tell me all about yourself.
+Now, what is your earliest recollection?
+At birth, I weighed 68 pounds.
+68 pounds?
+Yep.
+I was an incubator baby.
+About your acrophobia, Mr. Post,
+when did the first syndrome manifest itself?
+Make him talk English.
+He wants to know when your phobia started.
+Oh, why didn't he say so?
+It's a family curse.
+It started when my great-grandfather fell off a cliff.
+How did that happen?
+He was chasing a filly.
+She made a sudden stop.
+Vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh!
+Goodbye, Grandpa.
+Yes, yes, go on.
+After your grandfather fell off the cliff, what happened?
+Well, it kind of knocked the wind out of that romance.
+How old was your grandfather at the time?
+Nine years old.
+Mr. Post, I think we've had enough for one day.
+Will you come out now, please?
+Doctor, before you go, may I ask you one question?
+Well, certainly.
+Brrr!
+Doctor, how do you overcome this fear of heights?
+Well, we overcome a phobia by doing the thing we fear.
+Oh, you mean by forcing yourself to climb to a high place, you might conquer this fear.
+Precisely.
+Louder.
+Precisely.
+Thank you, Doctor.
+I'll walk you to your car.
+What do you think, Doctor?
+It's amazing.
+This will make medical history.
+You don't know what a relief it is to know that somebody else besides me knows that my horse talks.
+Fantastic case of schizophrenia.
+Mr. Post, you are part architect, part horse.
+No, I've been...
+No, no, that's my horse that was talking.
+Doctor, you've got to believe me.
+Just relax.
+The first step toward recovery is knowing your illness.
+I'm not sick.
+Of course not.
+Of course not.
+Now, about your next appointment.
+I don't need any appointment.
+It's him.
+Shall we say tomorrow in your stall or in my office?
+It's not my stall.
+I'm not a horse.
+Good.
+You see?
+You're improving already.
+Well, I'll see you tomorrow.
+Uh, don't call us.
+We'll call you.
+You heard what the doctor said.
+The only way to lick your fear of heights is by going up to a high place.
+You'll have to carry me.
+I'll think of something.
+Honey?
+How about a kiss?
+How high are we?
+Oh, just a few feet.
+How much is a few?
+Well, why don't you take a look for yourself?
+No, no.
+Ed, you are a coward.
+We've already established that.
+Come on, Ed.
+Look.
+Can't.
+I'm in a trance.
+Ed, come on.
+Take a look.
+Fred, somebody's watching us.
+I'll be right back, Bernice.
+Come on.
+One little peek.
+Hey, fella, what are you, a peeping tom?
+I beg your pardon?
+How long are you going to be here?
+Oh, just a few minutes.
+Well, hurry it up, will you?
+Why didn't you bell him, Watt?
+You're being obvious.
+You're just trying to cause trouble so he'll chase us away from here,
+and you won't have to look down.
+Come on, Bernice.
+No, not here.
+That's telling him, Bernice.
+Ed, be quiet.
+You're getting me in trouble.
+Well, are you taking me down?
+Not until you look over the edge.
+Come on, Bernice.
+Don't kiss that slobber.
+You're really a joker, aren't you?
+No, no, that wasn't me.
+Now, listen.
+I'm going to tell you just once.
+Beat it.
+Make me fat so.
+Okay, buddy.
+You asked for it.
+Shall I call the boys, Wilbur?
+Uh, yeah.
+The fellow's looking for trouble.
+Got to round up the whole gang.
+They're just around the bend.
+Boy, look, take it easy, will you?
+Just forget it.
+Forget it.
+Okay, Ed.
+You win.
+Let's go home.
+Hey, Wilbur, look.
+The San Fernando Valley.
+Ed, you're looking down there.
+You beat the phobia.
+Yeah, what do you know?
+Ed, you're going to make a certain little girl
+very happy tomorrow.
+Wilbur.
+What?
+Has a horse ever climbed a Matterhorn?
+Not today.
+Wilbur, wasn't it worth the trip
+just seeing Peggy's face light up
+when she saw Mr. Ed?
+Yeah.
+Maybe we'll go up there again next week, huh?
+Honey, I'm so glad you're your old self again.
+Well, licking my fear of heights
+had a lot to do with it.
+I'm so proud of you, darling.
+Don't be too long now.
+Be right with you.
+Ed, this has been such an exciting day,
+I doubt if I'll be able to sleep tonight.
+Buddy boy, look in my eyes.
+You're getting sleepy.
+Sleepy.
+Sleepy.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And no one can talk to a horse, of course
+That is, of course, unless the horse
+Is the famous Mr. Ed
+Go right to the source and ask the horse
+He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse
+He's always on a steady course
+Talk to Mr. Ed
+He'll yackety-yack a streak
+And waste your time a day
+But Mr. Ed will never speak
+Unless he has something to say
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And this one will talk to his voice
+This horse, you never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E17 A Man for Velma.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,540 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Carol, where are you?
+In the kitchen.
+You shouldn't be working with that sprained wrist.
+I want to get dinner ready for Wilbur.
+Well let me help.
+Oh, thanks, Kay.
+Hand me the chicken, will you?
+It's in the refrigerator.
+One chicken coming up.
+Oh, no, I...
+Oh, poor doll, he doesn't have a thing to wear.
+Just put it in the pot and light the stove.
+Oh, no, the little fellow's gone through so much already.
+Sweetie, why don't you let me prepare dinner for all of us tonight?
+You know, salad, steak, mushrooms, apple pie.
+Thanks, Kay.
+But I know you hate to cook.
+You're so right.
+We'll eat out, I'll call Addison.
+Okay, really.
+Wilbur's on the phone.
+Thank you.
+I'll have your address, yes.
+And Velma, it'll just be for the one week, eh?
+There won't be much housekeeping to speak of.
+Most of your work is gonna be done in the kitchen.
+Cooking.
+All right, I'll pick you right up.
+Thank you, goodbye.
+Well, Ed?
+Gisoon, hi.
+Carol's gonna be surprised when she finds out I've hired a cook to help her.
+That's the trouble with us Americans, we spoil our women.
+Oh, come on, Carol's a great cook, you know that.
+It's just that she sprained her wrist.
+Sure, how did she sprain it?
+The can opener slipped.
+Gisoon, hi, again.
+Velma Pinkney, she sounds very efficient.
+Thank you very much.
+You're welcome.
+You know, I think I'm allergic to your hay.
+What are you complaining about?
+I have to eat this stuff.
+Wilbur, did you call that cook I recommended?
+Just going now to pick her up.
+Good.
+I hope you didn't tell Kay about my surprise, because she is sure to tell Carol.
+Oh, no, no, no, no.
+I learned my lesson 20 years ago when I told Kay a secret.
+What secret?
+That I was single.
+I should have known.
+Look, we want you and Kay to be our guests tonight for dinner.
+I mean, the way you talk about this Velma, she must be a wonderful cook.
+Oh, she is, great.
+But that's the story of my life.
+The only time I ever get a good home-cooked meal is when I go to somebody else's...
+Go to somebody else's house.
+Married men.
+Boy, am I glad I'm a bachelor.
+This is it, Velma.
+I'll tell Mrs. Post you're here.
+You'll be surprised.
+Honey?
+Carol?
+Hi, dear.
+Surprise for you, honey.
+Say hello to Velma, our new cook.
+She's going to be with us for a week.
+Oh, thank you, darling.
+Hello, Velma.
+Hello, Mrs. Post.
+You happy?
+Oh, darling, you're the most wonderful husband in the world.
+One thing about my wife, Velma, she always tells the truth.
+Oh, hang on to it, Mrs. Post.
+A good man is hard to find.
+Any man is hard to find.
+At my age, even a bad man is hard to find.
+Well, there'll be four for dinner tonight, Velma.
+I invited Roger and Kay over.
+Well, I know you'll be happy here.
+Be in my office, dear.
+Okay, dear.
+I'll show you to your room.
+Oh, what a nice man.
+Mrs. Post, have you got a butler working for you?
+No.
+A chauffeur?
+No.
+Well, on my day off, it looks like solitaire again.
+Oh, by the way, do you have your milk delivered?
+Yes.
+Is the milk man married?
+He has kids.
+You don't have to rub it in.
+Color feast.
+Velma, this dinner is delicious.
+Oh, thank you.
+Marvelous.
+Oh, it's perfect.
+I'd never do anything like it.
+This wasn't a dinner.
+This was a banquet.
+Oh, this meal is so beautiful.
+I could wear it.
+That soup is a collector's item.
+Oh, honey, thanks again for Velma.
+She's the nicest present you've ever given me.
+She were a little smaller, I would have had her gift wrapped.
+Wilbur, can I open a charge account here?
+Oh, no, darling.
+We mustn't take advantage.
+We should meet here over four or five times a week.
+Thank Alaska.
+Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
+Velma, your hand should be immortalized at Grauman's Chinese.
+Oh, Mr. Fose, thank you.
+The good ones are always married.
+Thank you.
+Thank you very much.
+Oh, Velma's such a jewel.
+I wonder why the Johnsons let her go.
+She quit.
+I understand she was engaged to the butler Henry and they broke up.
+Oh, that's too bad.
+She's such a nice woman.
+I hope she finds somebody.
+If you wouldn't mind, my dear, I'd marry her myself.
+She'd cook for us.
+I'd let you.
+Sure going to hate to lose her at the end of the week.
+Well, if it'll make you feel any better, honey, I'll sprain the other wrist.
+Please?
+Oh, boy, pizza.
+It's for your horse, Mr. Post, a carrot pizza.
+For your horse?
+Yeah, he loves Italian food.
+He's got sugar cubes, I have to feed him breadsticks.
+Oh, you like Velma's pizza, huh?
+When I worked at the Johnsons, so did my boyfriend Henry.
+He ate like a horse, too.
+He should only choke.
+Do you know I fed that man like a king for four years?
+And what happened?
+I got the brush.
+Man, who needs him?
+I do.
+Henry's loss is my gain.
+Man, this pizza is molto bene.
+Santa Lucia.
+Santa Lucia.
+This is your last homemade pizza, Ed.
+Carol's wrist is better and Velma's leaving tonight.
+Not so loud.
+I don't want my stomach to know it's back to hay again.
+You know, she sure fattened you up.
+Wow.
+Another week, you'll have to get a girdle for you.
+Don't let her go, Wilbur.
+My friends say I never look better.
+I'm going to try to talk her into staying last night, but she wants a job where she
+can meet men.
+All right, throw a USO dance for her.
+I might just do that.
+Last piece.
+There's only one thing that would make her change her mind, if she met a man.
+And that's one thing you can't buy at the supermarket.
+How about the postman, Mr. Hodges?
+Married.
+The plumber?
+Married.
+Do you think she'd wait for the newsboy to grow up?
+I'm ready to leave, Mr. Post.
+Will you drive me to the bus station?
+Sure.
+Now, Velma, if you weren't leaving, what would you be cooking for dinner tomorrow?
+I was going to start with little individual cheese souffles.
+Cheese souffles.
+Cheese souffles.
+Artichoke hearts with sour cream dressing.
+Sour cream dressing.
+Sour cream dressing.
+Then?
+My main course would be a tornado of beef with Bearnaise sauce.
+Bearnaise sauce.
+Bearnaise sauce.
+And for dessert?
+Cherries Jubilee.
+Cherries Jubilee.
+What are we having for dinner tomorrow?
+I'm not sure.
+The label washed off the can.
+Goodbye, Mrs. Post.
+It was so nice working for you.
+Well, if you ever change your mind...
+Excuse me.
+Hello?
+Yes, she's here.
+Velma, it's for you.
+A man.
+A man?
+Hello?
+Yes, this is Velma.
+Who's this?
+Walter.
+Walter who?
+Just call me Walter.
+Until we know each other better.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+Walter.
+That's even better.
+Who are you?
+Just a secret admirer.
+What do you want?
+I've watched you from a distance and I adore you.
+I don't speak to strange men.
+Are you married?
+I've never trotted down that middle aisle.
+He sounds like a Harvard man.
+What do you have in mind?
+I'll call you tomorrow.
+Will you be there?
+Of course I'll be here tomorrow. I'll be here all week.
+I work for the Post.
+Yes?
+Cherries.
+Chupuli.
+Cheese souffle.
+Hello, Ed.
+Hello, Wilbur.
+Isn't it wonderful about Velma finding a boyfriend and staying?
+Yeah.
+Just a minute.
+Uh, here's the menu I wrote out for my dinner tonight.
+Dinner?
+Oat cocktail.
+Home fried carrots.
+Baked apple with alfalfa sauce.
+No.
+And lobster thermidor.
+Lobster thermidor?
+That's in case you want to eat with me.
+Oh, you're very thoughtful.
+Just give Velma the menu and leave her a good tip.
+Well, later, Ed. I got work to do.
+All right.
+Lobster thermid...
+Lobster thermidor.
+Wilbur!
+Velma is leaving!
+What, again?
+But what happened? She said she'd stay.
+Remember that phone call she got from that fellow Walter last night?
+Well, he didn't call back, so she's packing.
+Maybe I better have a talk with her.
+I don't think it'll do any good. She's made up her mind.
+Well, I guess Walter has to turn on the old charm again.
+Velma?
+Yes, Mr. Post?
+Velma, can't we sit down and talk this over?
+Mr. Post, the only reason I stayed, I was expecting a call from that fellow, Walter.
+But there are other men.
+Yeah, and I'm going looking for them.
+Maybe I could break our TV set and ask for a bachelor repairman.
+With my luck, he'd be 90 years old.
+No, I'm ready to go now, Mr. Post.
+Oh, goodbye, Mrs. Post. I enjoyed working for you.
+Well, good luck, Velma.
+Oh, wait just a minute, please.
+Hello?
+Yes, she's here.
+Velma, it's for you.
+A man.
+Hello?
+It's me, my love, Will.
+What happened? I was waiting for your call.
+I, uh, I just lost my nerve.
+Oh, you're shy.
+Oh, we're perfect for each other.
+I'm shy, too.
+Cherished jubilee?
+Well, goodbye, my love. I'll call you tomorrow.
+Tomorrow? If you don't meet me tonight, I won't be here.
+Uh, then it's tonight. I'll meet you outside the patio after dinner.
+Good.
+Oh, I, I hope you're as handsome as you sound.
+I am, but it all depends on your point of view.
+Au revoir, chérie.
+Almost eight o'clock.
+I hope that Walter shows up.
+The girls have been up there working on Velma for an hour now.
+I certainly hope they've prettied her up a little.
+Velma deserves happiness. You know, she has so much to offer a man.
+Friendship, warmth, loyalty.
+Stroganoff, lasagna, shish kebab.
+If she leaves, I'll kill myself.
+Well, she'll be right down.
+How does she look?
+Anxious.
+I can't even get a hold of you if we're going to make that movie.
+Yeah. Roger, would you mind looking in on Ed?
+Make sure that barn window's closed.
+Oh, sure, sure.
+Here she comes.
+Velma, you look beautiful.
+Oh, Mr. Potter.
+Beautiful? She's positively enchanting.
+Won't you be late for the movie?
+Oh, yes, yes. Come on, honey, let's go.
+Have a nice time, Velma.
+Have a good time.
+Good night, Val.
+Thank you. Good night.
+Velma, have fun.
+Have a good evening, Velma.
+Is that you, Walter?
+It's me. You look beautiful, Velma.
+Why don't you come over here where I can see you?
+I told you, I'm shy.
+Don't be like that.
+We're all alone.
+Don't come any closer, Velma.
+Oh, why, Walter?
+You don't have to be that shy.
+Hello, Velma.
+You...
+You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
+For doing this?
+Does your wife know?
+Of course, I just told her.
+Well, I'm not that broad-minded.
+What's the matter with that woman?
+What's she talking about, broad...
+What's the matter with me talking to a horse?
+He had to show up.
+Now I'm back to hay again.
+Velma!
+Is Romeo here?
+Who?
+Your husband, our boyfriend.
+What are you talking about?
+When he complimented me and kissed my hand,
+I thought he was only after my cooking.
+Addison?
+I'll be your witness in court.
+Oh, now, just a minute.
+There must be a mistake.
+Ask your husband what happened in the backyard.
+What did happen?
+Let Walter tell you.
+Walter?
+That's your husband.
+Now, Velma, I'm sure you must be mistaken.
+I don't want to hurt your feelings,
+but I just can't imagine my husband leaving me for...
+For me?
+Mrs. Addison, I may not be as pretty as you,
+but when it comes to cooking,
+you can't hold a pot to me.
+Oh, now, darling, really?
+Just because I'm not a good cook
+and my husband happens to enjoy your cheese soufflés,
+your baked Alaska and your wonderful gravies,
+and what did happen in the backyard?
+Let him tell you.
+Dear, it's getting late.
+Should we turn in?
+Hey!
+Are you crazy?
+Here, have some juice, dear.
+Thank you.
+I can't understand why Velma hasn't been down to fix breakfast.
+She must have overslept.
+Her boyfriend probably kept her out late.
+Oh, not again.
+Mr. Post, I'm leaving.
+But, Velma, you promised to stay.
+Velma.
+What happened?
+Didn't Walter show up last night?
+Yes, Mr. Addison did.
+Addison?
+You might as well know your neighbor is a chaser.
+Oh, Velma, really?
+Underneath that mustache, you'll find a blue beard.
+Velma, I think you're imagining all this.
+Why, Mr. Addison is very devoted to his wife.
+Why, he wouldn't think of looking at another woman.
+Mrs. Addison believed me last night.
+Kay would never believe a story like that.
+I wouldn't say that.
+Velma?
+Please, haven't you done enough?
+Roger, what's going on here?
+She told Kay the most fantastic story.
+How, how, how, how I...
+Why don't you take your crummy pizzas and go?
+Oh, now, Roger, just a minute.
+Her pizzas are not crummy.
+I'm going home to mother.
+Oh, now, Kay, dear.
+I hope that you and Velma and her soufflés, the three of you, will be very happy.
+Kay, please.
+Now, just a minute, Kay.
+I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for this.
+Tell her, Roger.
+Of course, I'm Walter.
+I've been Walter for 20 years.
+I am also Bluebeard.
+I'm, I'm, I'm Jack the Ripper.
+I'm, I'm...
+Hello?
+Yes, she's here.
+Velma, it's for you.
+A man.
+Hello?
+It's me, Walter.
+Walter?
+What happened last night?
+See?
+It couldn't have been Roger.
+I never doubted you for a minute, doll.
+I'm sorry.
+You're sorry?
+I don't know who she was talking to last night.
+There was just me and the horse.
+What did you say, Walter?
+I'm sorry I had to leave so suddenly last night, Velma.
+Yes, well, I'll try to understand.
+I don't think I'm...
+No, for you.
+Oh, Walter.
+Well, I'm kind of a drifter.
+You need a man with a steady job.
+A fine girl like you needs a real man.
+Oh, Walter.
+My trouble is, I'm not a real man.
+I'm a real man.
+I'm a real man.
+I'm a real man.
+I'm a real man.
+I'm a real man.
+I'm a real man.
+My trouble is...
+Yes?
+Uh-oh.
+Hello?
+What?
+Hello?
+Oh, he hung up.
+Oh, now I'm all mixed up.
+Velma, now sit down.
+Don't you worry.
+Now just calm down.
+Excuse me a minute, dear.
+How do you do?
+I'm Henry Gibson.
+I work for the Johnsons.
+Is Miss Velma in?
+Yes.
+Velma, come in, please.
+Well, this is the worst trick you have ever pulled.
+But Wilbur, I...
+Do you know you broke that woman's heart?
+But Wilbur...
+And look what you did to the Addisons.
+But Wilbur...
+All because of your big appetite.
+But Wilbur...
+All right, go ahead.
+It's your turn.
+If only Perry Mason were here to defend me.
+You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
+Wilbur!
+Wilbur!
+Guess what?
+Velma is engaged.
+To Roger?
+Stop.
+Henry, the Johnsons butler that she was going with,
+just showed up and proposed.
+Well, that's wonderful.
+Come on, she wants you to meet him.
+Yeah, well, I'll be there in a minute, honey.
+This is lucky for you.
+But Wilbur...
+I was going to send you to bed tonight without any supper.
+But Wilbur, who do you think called the Johnsons
+and got Henry Gibson over here to propose?
+You.
+How did you do it?
+I told him somebody was running off with his girl
+and if he liked her cooking, he'd better hurry right over.
+But Ed, why didn't you tell me?
+Because you bawled me out.
+But Ed...
+Besides, who can get a word in with you around?
+But Ed...
+You're always jumping to conclusions.
+But Ed...
+But Ed, but Ed, is that all you can say?
+But Ed...
+Ed...
+May I propose a toast to Kay's first home-cooked meal?
+Thank you very much.
+Congratulations, Kay.
+I hope it's all right.
+Well, so much for experimentation.
+Well, it's not really bad.
+Once you get it down.
+My dear, no offense, but would you mind if we celebrated
+your first home-cooked dinner at Pierre's restaurant?
+Why, doll, I've already made the reservations.
+They're off to a fancy restaurant and I'm back to barn-cooked meals.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Ed.
+He will yakety-yak the streak and waste your time a day.
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and this one will talk to his voice's horse.
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E18 Ed's New Shoes.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,523 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Honey, I got wonderful news!
+Carol!
+Honey!
+Wilbur, I'm down here!
+Honey, I got wonderful news for you, but you gotta promise me you won't get excited.
+All right, what is it?
+Yep, well first promise me.
+All right, I promise.
+What's the news?
+Well, you better sit down so you don't get excited.
+What is it?
+Well, sit down.
+I'm sitting down.
+Yeah, I think you're getting excited.
+Look, last month I was at the Architects' Convention and I met the editor of Home Beautiful
+Magazine.
+Yes?
+And he's sending a photographer over here to take pictures of our house.
+Oh, how nice.
+And she'll be here tomorrow.
+Oh, well, let's see.
+Tomorrow?
+I didn't even get excited.
+Just look at the house, just look at it.
+Oh, how could you do this to me?
+Why didn't you tell me yesterday?
+I just found out today.
+Oh, I'm so sorry.
+I'm so sorry.
+I'm so sorry.
+I'm so sorry.
+I'm so sorry.
+I'm so sorry.
+I'm so sorry.
+I'm so sorry.
+I'm so sorry.
+I just found out today.
+That's a pretty poor excuse.
+Oh, I'll never have the time.
+Who you calling?
+The cleaning girl.
+You had the house cleaned yesterday.
+Look at it.
+It's all dusty.
+Honey, she's coming over here with a camera and not a microscope.
+Oh.
+Look, I thought this would make you happy, but how many of us are going to upset you
+like this while we can call the whole thing off?
+Oh, but, honey, look at these drapes.
+You were supposed to fix the rod last week.
+You better get up there and fix it now.
+Oh, when you were supposed to mend the fence
+and fix the faucet and mow the lawn and...
+Toad that barge and lift that bale.
+Let's see now.
+Oh, Wil... Wilbur!
+Oh, you're standing on my best chair.
+Well, I'm using my best feet.
+Please, relax. Come on over here.
+Sit down.
+This woman is gonna come here
+and take pictures of the house, not condemn it.
+But we've got so much to do.
+I'll do it this afternoon.
+Why can't you do it now?
+Well, I was planning on buying Ed some new shoes.
+Well, if your horse is more important than me,
+Wilbur Post...
+Put down that hammer, woman.
+He owes me money.
+I hope you're not interrupting anything homicidal.
+Hey, guess what?
+Home Beautiful is taking pictures of our house tomorrow.
+How marvelous. I'll buy a new dress.
+New dress? What for?
+Well, I'm sure our dear neighbors
+will want us in the pictures, won't you, darlings?
+Of course. We'll go shopping right after lunch,
+and thanks for inviting us.
+You're welcome.
+Honey, why don't you go shopping with Kay, huh?
+And don't worry, I'll get everything done.
+Honey, maybe we should invite the photographer
+to lunch tomorrow.
+Well, I'll fix up a barbecue.
+I better get started on the fence.
+Why don't you buy yourself something real expensive, huh?
+Okay, Mr. Kramer,
+I'll have the horse over in half an hour.
+Ed, I'm sorry.
+I haven't got time to buy you those new shoes.
+But I just made an appointment for a fitting.
+Maybe next week.
+Next week?
+My shoes are worn down to the edge.
+Look at them.
+Oh, they're not too bad.
+I'm practically walking on my toes.
+Ed, I got things to do.
+What am I, a horse or a ballet dancer?
+Look, you've been bothering me all week.
+What is all this fuss about getting a new pair of shoes?
+Well, you know that little chestnut filly
+that we meet every Sunday when we go riding in the park.
+The one that wears her tail in the upsweep?
+Yeah.
+Well, I kind of go for her.
+Yeah.
+You're blushing.
+Wilbur, it's spring.
+So that's why you want new shoes.
+Well, I'm afraid it's going to have to wait, Ed.
+You see, I'm going to be very busy today.
+There's a woman coming over from Home Beautiful Magazine
+to take pictures of the house and all of us.
+Uh, me too.
+You too.
+With holes in my shoes.
+Now I know why they call horses names.
+Now I know why they call horses nags.
+Tempo, tempo, tempo.
+What can be keeping the girls?
+Oh, relax, Roger.
+They've only been gone a half an hour.
+How much money could Kay spend in that time?
+How much is the national debt?
+Don't blame her.
+She's just wanting to look her best
+for those magazine shots tomorrow.
+All this fuss over a silly little magazine.
+Little?
+Do you know millions of people
+will be seeing your picture?
+Million?
+The magazine has a national circulation.
+Millions, huh?
+Well, haven't you seen it down at the golf course?
+Yeah, now that you mention it.
+Wilbur, uh, not that I'm interested, of course,
+but what suit do you plan to wear for the pictures tomorrow?
+I wouldn't want us to clash.
+Well, it's just an informal barbecue.
+Why don't you wear something simple, like a tuxedo?
+Oh, oh, oh.
+Oh, but Wilbur, if millions of people are going to see us,
+the least we can do is try to look our best.
+Oh, I forgot.
+You have an obligation to your public.
+For your information, my wife has told me many times
+that I bear a distinct resemblance to Cary Grant.
+Did she say Cary or Ulysses?
+Hardy, har, har.
+Hardy, har, har, har, har.
+Really?
+Millions, huh?
+Oh, my God.
+Will you stop playing carpenter and think of me?
+My feet are killing me.
+Oh, these bunions.
+Oh, what's the matter? Can't you hear me?
+I must be imagining things.
+Horses can't talk.
+I'm not talking. I'm begging.
+Please get me new shoes.
+Funny.
+I hear voices, but there's no one there.
+Come on.
+If you were in love with a little chestnut filly,
+I'd buy you shoes.
+Okay.
+Oh, and you win.
+I'll get him.
+Look, I've got to get back before Carol.
+So far, I haven't fixed the faucet,
+mended the drapery rod, anything.
+Oh, bless you, Wilbur.
+And if it works out, we'll name our first colt after you.
+Wilbur Colt. That's cute.
+Yeah.
+Tornado, how are you this morning?
+You bad little boy.
+You didn't finish your breakfast.
+You need energy.
+Now, if a big, fat gentleman rides you today,
+you will fall down.
+Excuse me.
+Is Mr. Colt here?
+Yes, he is.
+He's a very good man.
+He's a very good man.
+Is Mr. Kramer around?
+Yes, he was, but what's the matter with your horse?
+He claims he needs new shoes.
+What?
+Oh, I mean, he's been limping.
+Oh.
+What's his name?
+Ed.
+Mr. Ed.
+Mr. Ed.
+Oh.
+There's nothing wrong with this shoe.
+What does he know?
+What did you say?
+Well, I didn't say anything.
+And this one is all right.
+These shoes are all fine.
+They're good for another 500 miles.
+You would just be wasting your money
+if you buy new shoes for this horse.
+Why don't you do what you're supposed to be doing?
+I asked you to clean the windows.
+Customer wants hot shoes, and you talk him out of it.
+Excuse me, Mr. Kramer.
+No, no, Mr. Kramer is right.
+I am used to goof up.
+You're a good man, Axel, but I'm going to have to let you go.
+Yes, sir.
+Thank you.
+Gee, I feel responsible for...
+No, no, please, mister.
+Don't feel too bad.
+Everybody fires me.
+Mr. Kramer, if I were to buy new shoes for my horse, would...
+No, no, he don't need them.
+If Mr. Kramer sold you new shoes for this horse,
+he would be stealing your money.
+Excuse me, I pack my bag.
+Well, I guess we don't need anything today.
+Just barn shopping.
+Goodbye, Brownie.
+You be a good boy.
+Yenir.
+Goodbye, Yenir.
+Goodbye, Lulubel.
+Oh, Tornado.
+Tornado, don't you skip breakfast.
+You will get headaches.
+Look, I'm sorry about what happened.
+Everything is for the best.
+Yeah, but what are you going to do now?
+Oh, I'll find something.
+I'm a yak of all trades.
+A plumber, electrician, gardener, painter, carpenter.
+I bet you couldn't name one job I ain't been fired from.
+Say, my wife has been after me to do a lot of things around the house.
+The job is yours if you want it.
+Well, thank you, but you're making a mistake.
+No, I'm not. I mean, I need a handyman, electrician and all that.
+You can sleep in our office.
+Thank you, but you have to promise me one thing.
+What?
+When you fire me, don't feel too bad about it.
+A million things to do and Wilbur is out somewhere with that horse.
+I knew it, I just knew it. I knew he'd never get to fix these drapes.
+Well, how does it look?
+It hangs like a potato sack.
+Then why did you let me buy it?
+Oh, I'm sorry, Kay. I was talking about the drapes.
+That dress is beautiful.
+Oh, I think it's a steal at $85.
+It certainly is.
+Hello, Carol.
+Hi, Roger.
+Another new dress?
+How much did you pay for this one?
+$22.50.
+You got gypped again.
+What?
+It hangs like a potato sack.
+I know, that's why I'm up here trying to fix it.
+Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?
+The wet photographer is coming tomorrow and my husband is out buying his horse shoes.
+Kay.
+Hmm?
+Do you think I should wear my red silk cummerbund tomorrow?
+Good idea, but leave your sword at home.
+So long, Carol. See you later.
+Bye-bye.
+I'm going home and sharpen my sword.
+Wilbur!
+Where have you been? I can't do everything around here.
+Oh, honey, take it easy.
+We can't discuss this over a hot hammer.
+Wilbur.
+Honey, your troubles are over.
+I just hired a handyman to do all the work around the house.
+Oh.
+Axel!
+Thank heavens. We can certainly use him.
+Oh, he's terrific. He can do anything.
+This is a beautiful house by Yimini.
+Honey, this is Axel.
+Axel, this is Mrs. Post.
+It's a pleasure, Mrs. Post.
+Oh, hello.
+Oh, thank you.
+Yeah, well, it's three o'clock and I'm ready to go to work.
+Right on the nose.
+But I'm not charging you for any work I do today.
+What an interesting watch.
+Well, thank you. It's 14 carats gold.
+It belonged to my grandfather in Sweden.
+Yes, it is a good watch. It never lies to me.
+Well, sometimes.
+Well, honey, what do you want Axel to do first?
+Well, you can start by fixing that rod over there. It's loose.
+I'll get the list of other things that have to be done.
+I'll be very happy to do that.
+Your wife is a beautiful woman, Mr. Post.
+Oh, thank you, Axel.
+You know, this rod is old.
+You really need a new one.
+Yeah, they make them now all the time.
+Yeah, they make them now all in one piece.
+They're even bigger than...
+Expensive, too, aren't they?
+Yeah, Axel, you're getting better.
+You've got that nail halfway in without hitting your finger.
+Mr. Post, I'm all thumbs from head to foot.
+Oh, no, you're not.
+Well, thank you.
+I'm always having trouble with hammers.
+Look, do you think you could start a fire in the barbecue?
+That I can do.
+I'll have a beautiful fire burning in the yiffy.
+Axel, thank you.
+Hey, Wilbur, with hands like that, he should have been a brain surgeon.
+Axel, what happened?
+Well, the bag of charcoal was on the ground the wrong way,
+and I picked it up like this.
+This is brutal.
+Axel, you better get a broom.
+Yes, sir.
+It's in the kitchen.
+Thank you.
+Psst, psst.
+I still say fire the bum.
+That wouldn't be right.
+Poor fella needs help.
+He thinks he's a failure.
+He's got my vote.
+You are just prejudiced against Axel.
+Naturally.
+I've got a date with that beautiful chestnut filly,
+and here I am with holes in my shoes.
+Shine them up. They'll be as good as new.
+Ah.
+I'll clean it up, Mr. Post.
+Ah, fine.
+Hey, uh, what happened to the broom?
+Well, I was taking it out of the broom closet, and the handle got yanked.
+But you don't need to worry. I fixed the door later.
+I wasn't worried. I just...
+What door?
+Well, the one that came off the hinges.
+Oh, great. I better fix it before Carol finds out.
+Are you sure you can start the fire yourself?
+Yes, sir. Dad, I can do.
+I hope we've got my barn insured.
+I'm going to get the door.
+Wilbur, the house looks beautiful.
+Just beautiful.
+Hi, Kay.
+Hi, Wilbur.
+Hello.
+Don't I look gorgeous?
+You certainly do, Loretta.
+You're a beautiful tomorrow playboy.
+Middle page, of course.
+Of course.
+And, uh, Kay, you will let the woman take some pictures of my furniture?
+Of course, darling. But don't be surprised if I'm sitting on it.
+Where's Roger?
+Bo Brummel?
+What?
+He's waxed his mustache so many times, he looks like a candle with two wicks.
+That woman will be here any moment now.
+I think that chair would look better nearer the window.
+Wilbur!
+Coming.
+Axel, maybe you better let me start the fire, huh?
+Please, you know, you'll get that nice suit all dirty.
+Well, don't be afraid to use lots of charcoal.
+Yeah.
+And, uh, you know how to start it with a lighter fluid, huh?
+Yes, sir.
+Wilbur!
+Yes?
+Yeah?
+Don't you think this chair would look better nearer the window?
+Honey, the house is lovely. It's perfect.
+Oh, thank you, dear.
+Good afternoon.
+If you're looking for the U.N. ambassador, you got the wrong house.
+Well, the thing, too.
+I had to tie him down to get his spats off.
+I thought one of us should be properly dressed for the occasion.
+I hate to sound catty-doll, but didn't you go a bit heavy on the eye shadow?
+If you don't think I'm properly dressed for the picture, just say the word and I'll leave.
+Leave?
+He wouldn't leave if the house was on fire.
+Spaulder! Spaulder!
+Spaulder! Spaulder! I'll give you pain!
+Axel, what happened?
+You know how, dear.
+The hose, Wilbur. Get the hose.
+Get the hose. You get the fire.
+Axel, what happened?
+A pain, a pain. I've had a pain. Can I use this for a pain relief?
+Oh, my pain! Oh, my God!
+Oh, was that a car outside?
+I-I go see.
+Oh, what'll we do?
+It-it is a car. It stopped.
+Oh, my beautiful house!
+It must be. It's the photographer.
+Oh, no!
+Mr. Post, I help you.
+Please, please, Mr. Post, let me do that.
+You get your nice suit all dirty.
+What happened?
+Well, I put your hydrofluid on, like you say, and then I lit a match, and the whole thing went so hot.
+Axel, Axel!
+I had to put on a towel.
+Hey, turn that thing off!
+Oh, Roger, what can I say? I'm sorry.
+I'm sorry. I...
+Please.
+She's not here.
+I'll get it, dear. I'm sorry about this.
+I'll get it, dear. I'll get it.
+Hello, I'm Miss Brooks, from home...
+Beautiful?
+Oh, my God!
+Well, goodbye, Mr. Ed. I made enough trouble.
+You're a nice horse.
+I hope my snoring didn't bother you last night.
+It must be nice to be a horse.
+Nobody expects too much from you.
+Sometimes I wish I was a horse.
+Well, I go over to the Tally Ho Stables now and say goodbye to my older friends, and then...
+Well, who knows?
+Goodbye.
+Uh-oh.
+I go out the back, Ray.
+Honey, this is gonna be tough.
+Wilbur, you just have to let him go.
+He's not here.
+Wilbur, look.
+My, it's Axel's watch.
+Let's see the note.
+Please, I would like the missus to have this watch.
+Maybe it makes her feel better after all the mistakes I've made.
+Thank you for giving me a chance. I never deserve it.
+You are a nice people, Axel.
+Oh, Wilbur, I can't take his watch.
+I know.
+He was the only valuable thing he ever owned.
+Well, look, why don't you go back to the house? I'll see if I can find him and give it back.
+Oh, please do. Honey, try to find him.
+And you wanted to fire that sweet old man.
+Oh, now wait a minute.
+An honest man who always tried his best.
+Ed, do you know where he went?
+Well, if you rush, you might catch him at the Tally Ho Stables.
+Thanks, Ed.
+Wilbur?
+Yeah?
+Axel was right. I never really needed new shoes.
+Tornado, your feed box is full.
+You are a bad boy. You're not eating.
+Hi, Axel.
+Oh, Mr. Post. How did you know I was here?
+Here. We can't take your grandfather's watch.
+I don't need a watch. What difference does it make what time I get fired?
+Axel, that's your trouble. You're not a failure. You must believe in yourself.
+I do. I believe I'm a failure.
+Now, don't say that. Everybody's good at something.
+Axel!
+Oh, I refuse leaving, Mr. Kramer. I'm...
+No, no, I don't want you to leave. I'm glad that you're back.
+Since he left, the horses have been acting up and I can't handle them.
+I'll pay you a dollar and a quarter an hour just to stay and take care of the horses.
+No, no. This man has a way with animals.
+I'm going to pay him a dollar and seventy-five just to take care of my horse.
+But I'm only worth a dollar and a quarter.
+A dollar and seventy-five.
+Two dollars.
+A dollar and a quarter.
+You win, Mr. Kramer. You got him for two dollars.
+Well, goodbye, Axel. You drop by and say hello, huh?
+Thank you. I will.
+Oh, and by the way, he was right about my horse. He didn't need new shoes.
+How do you know?
+My horse admitted it.
+Ed, somebody sent you a present.
+Oh? Who?
+Axel.
+That's sweet, by Yemeni.
+Oh, look. Four new shoes for you.
+Well, what do you know? My favorite kind. Open toe.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And no one can talk to a horse, of course.
+That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.
+He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. A.
+Heep, poor yakety yak, a streak and waste, too.
+He's a horse, a horse, a horse, a horse.
+He's a horse, a horse, a horse, a horse.
+He's a horse, a horse, a horse, a horse.
+Heep, poor yakety yak, a streak and waste your time a day.
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed.
+THE END
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E19 Little Boy.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,505 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Yeah!
+Let's go!
+Hey, come on, it ain't champions yet.
+Yeah!
+Come on!
+Hi.
+Do you want to play ball with me?
+Oh, it's the new kid in the block.
+You want to play ball?
+No, we don't want to play ball.
+It's a brand new one.
+It is, huh?
+Let me see.
+Go chase it!
+Yeah, hey, come on, Dave!
+Yeah!
+Stop here, Ed.
+About time.
+I thought we'd never get home.
+We're only out here for a little exercise, Ed.
+We?
+I've been running, you've been sitting.
+Good old Ed.
+Huh.
+Let me have it!
+Hi, Mr. Post!
+Hi, Andy!
+Hi, Johnny!
+Make your horse do some tricks again, Mr. Post.
+Tricks?
+All right.
+You tell him to do something.
+Shake your head.
+Shake your head, Mr. Ed.
+Swish your tail, Mr. Ed.
+Swish your tail, Mr. Ed.
+Let's go play.
+Bye, Mr. Ed!
+Bye, boys!
+Bye-bye!
+We're out here!
+Come on, you're getting weak.
+I better get you back to the barn.
+Besides, I want to show Roger Anderson some new magic tricks I just got.
+If you're a magician, lose some weight.
+Hold it.
+We both walk.
+All right, you win.
+How do you feel with that on, Ed?
+Like Gypsy Rose Lee.
+I got a kick out of those kids.
+There is nothing like youth.
+Yeah, sure wish I was a colt again.
+Have a happy childhood, Ed?
+Oh, I was a crazy mixed-up two-year-old.
+My mom used to wait up all hours for me.
+Yeah?
+What did you do?
+Hung around the stables, watching all the fillies go by.
+You had a brawl, huh?
+Yeah, I was a gay dog.
+My diary would make a bestseller.
+You made a hit for those kids today.
+All but one.
+Which one?
+Some unhappy little guy standing behind a tree.
+How'd you know he was unhappy?
+That sad expression.
+He looked like an owl in short pants.
+How old did he look?
+Oh, my age, about seven.
+But a little different, of course.
+Yeah, I figured.
+I think you're imagining things, Ed.
+I've got to get in the house and try out a few new magic tricks on my neighbors.
+I wouldn't, Wilbur.
+You're a terrible magician.
+Oh, yeah?
+Well, how would you like to see me saw a horse in half?
+Huh?
+Not this one.
+Saw a horse in half.
+Moving along to the more difficult of my illusions,
+you will see, sir, that there is nothing in either hand.
+Right?
+Right.
+And now pay close attention.
+And with a few magic words,
+told to me in secret by the thief of Baghdad,
+I will produce a full bouquet of flowers from nowhere.
+Aga...
+Moony...
+Mickey...
+Rooney.
+I'd say a phone call to Baghdad was in order.
+I knew something wrong.
+You forgot to blindfold me.
+Wilbur.
+Ha ha ha ha.
+It's funny.
+I planted geraniums.
+For my next trick.
+If I may have your attention, ladies and gentlemen.
+Honey, I'm expecting Margaret Birch soon.
+Can you children play outside?
+Margaret Birch?
+Yes, she just moved into the neighborhood, remember?
+The one with the little boy.
+Oh, yes.
+Well, one more trick, honey.
+Has Wilbur fooled you yet, though?
+No one has ever fooled me.
+No?
+Then how did you get married, sweet?
+Now, if I may have your attention, ladies and gentlemen.
+I...
+Always happens with new cards.
+And new magicians.
+Thanks, honey.
+I don't want her to see the house like this.
+Maestro, I have the feeling your show just closed.
+Roger, grab it into this table.
+I'll show you a few tricks outside.
+Wilbur, let's face it.
+As a magician, you're a great architect.
+Any more words out of you, you'd be a rabbit in the morning.
+Come on, sweetie.
+Let's go.
+Watch, don't look.
+That's my best friend.
+Excuse me, Kay.
+Hi, Janet.
+Hi.
+Hello, Carol.
+Come on in.
+Am I early?
+No, not at all.
+Kay, I'd like you to meet our new neighbor, Margaret Birch.
+This is my dear friend, Kay Addison.
+Glad to meet you.
+Glad to meet you.
+Certainly was nice of you to ask me to join your club.
+Not really, we need the do's.
+Please sit down, Margaret.
+Thank you.
+You're going to like the girls.
+We're really a very congenial group.
+Right, Kay?
+Well, it keeps us off the streets.
+How do you like our neighborhood?
+Oh, I love it, but...
+But what?
+Well, my son is having a little trouble making friends.
+He's kind of shy.
+Oh, how old is he?
+Peter's eight and a half.
+Oh, don't worry.
+There are a lot of kids his age in the neighborhood.
+Yes, I know, but they just don't seem to want to play with him.
+Margaret, would it help if maybe you gave a party
+and invited all the kids in the neighborhood?
+That's a wonderful idea.
+Yes, it is.
+Do you think they'd come?
+I know most of the mothers.
+If you'd like, I'll help you round up the kids.
+Oh, that's very sweet of you.
+Maybe we could plan it for this Saturday.
+Wonderful!
+Maybe I can persuade Wilbert
+to do some of his magic tricks for the kids.
+Persuade?
+He'll perform for anything that walks, talks,
+or sits up and begs.
+You shouldn't be touching that.
+Oh, sorry, old man.
+Well, I'm ready for your performance.
+Well, I have a trick here that is bound to amaze you.
+This is called the disappearing water trick.
+See, I fill this cup with water from this pitcher.
+Yeah, you'll notice that I'm filling it up.
+There we are.
+Now, I have here, as you can see,
+an ordinary cup and an ordinary pitcher.
+And now, presto!
+That's the greatest trick I ever saw,
+and I'm suing you for a new suit.
+Hey, you! What's the big idea?
+What's the big idea?
+If I ever get...
+If I ever get my hands on that kid,
+he won't be able to sit down for a week.
+Thank you for a delightful performance.
+No, really, really, thank you very much,
+but I couldn't impose.
+Oh, you won't be imposing?
+Why, we'd just love to have him stay here,
+wouldn't we, Wilbert?
+Of course we would. Have who where?
+How do you remember, Margaret Birch?
+Yeah.
+Yes, of course.
+I'm doing magic for your little boy's party.
+We're going to have the party here.
+Margaret has to go out of town for the weekend.
+Her sister just had a baby,
+and we're going to have little Peter stay here with us.
+You don't mind, do you?
+Oh, not at all.
+I'll be able to try out some of my new tricks on him.
+Just don't do your sprinkler trick, sweetie.
+Addison isn't dry yet.
+Look, that wasn't my fault, Kay.
+Some fresh kid turned on the water.
+Then it's all settled, huh, Margaret?
+Well, what can I say?
+You're all so wonderful.
+I'll have Peter over here Friday morning.
+Will that be all right?
+Any time at all.
+Well, I've heard so much about this young boy of yours.
+I'm looking forward to meeting him.
+Well, you don't have far to look, darling.
+He's in the barn.
+Oh, I'll go out and say hello.
+Excuse me.
+Sure.
+Sorry to bother you, Mr. Henn.
+But you didn't see me.
+You're a nice horse.
+At least you listen when I talk.
+I don't care about that old party.
+Those kids don't like me anyway.
+And Mr. Post, when he finds out I turned on that old sprinkler,
+he wouldn't do his own magic anyway.
+But it was an accident.
+I was looking for my baseball.
+You believe me, don't you, Mr. Ed?
+Peter, are you in there?
+Peter, I see you hiding behind Ed.
+Guess what, Peter.
+You're going to have your party after all.
+Right in our backyard.
+You know something else?
+While your mother's away, you're going to stay with us.
+Oh, come here.
+Let me go.
+Oh, look, Pete, I'm your friend.
+There's nothing to be frightened about.
+Now, come on, son.
+Let me...
+The sprinkler kid.
+Pete, you come back here.
+Peter.
+Wilbur.
+I'll have lunch ready in a few minutes, dear.
+He sure loves Ed.
+You know, since his mother brought him here,
+that kid hasn't said a word to me.
+Every time I go near him, he looks at me like I was a truant officer.
+I hope you two become friends before tomorrow.
+We will.
+Of course, I may have to grow two more legs and a tail.
+He's just still upset about that sprinkler incident.
+He's upset.
+My suit is dragging, too, you know.
+Honey, please try to talk to him.
+Well, okay.
+Of course, I may need to wear a raincoat.
+Just call him in.
+You call him.
+If he hears my voice, he may go into orbit.
+Peter.
+Peter.
+Lunch.
+Now, try to gain his confidence.
+And don't look so solemn.
+You really scare him.
+Smile.
+Hello, Peter, how's it going, boy?
+Lunch will be ready in a few minutes, honey.
+Meanwhile, you two men get acquainted, huh?
+Peter.
+Pete.
+Peter.
+About this sprinkler business, I've forgotten all about it.
+Believe me.
+You know, I used to do foolish things like that when I was a little boy, too.
+It was an accident.
+Sure, sure, it was an accident.
+It was.
+I hit my baseball in your yard.
+Then I went to look for it, and my foot turned on your sprinkler.
+Sure, sure.
+Now, can we be friends?
+You don't believe me.
+Look, Peter.
+I can prove it.
+I left my baseball in the bushes so you can see it.
+Oh?
+Well, let's go take a look, huh?
+It's not there.
+Peter, believe me.
+I'm willing to forget the whole thing.
+I said it there before.
+I did.
+Peter, I believe you.
+No, you don't.
+The kid told the truth.
+Now, Ed, you're wrong.
+You see, you don't understand child psychology.
+See, kids sometimes lie without meaning it.
+They do something, and then they get scared.
+And then they exaggerate the facts a little.
+Where did you get that baseball?
+I signed up with the Dodgers.
+Ed, did you find this under those bushes?
+That's right.
+I was afraid a dog might run off with it, and you never believe the kid.
+Hello, Houdini.
+No.
+What are you going to do with that?
+Turn it into a ping pong ball?
+Roger, you know we're throwing a party for a little boy tomorrow.
+Yeah, Kay told me the bad news.
+Roger, I want this party to be a very big success.
+Is there anything you can do to entertain kids?
+I might wiggle my mustache.
+No, I'm serious.
+Don't knock it.
+That's how I won my wife.
+I know.
+You can be my assistant during my magic act.
+No, no.
+Although I will grant you that I look rather fetching in my black mesh stockings and high heels.
+No, you better get somebody else.
+Wilbur, can you come in, please?
+Peter.
+Peter?
+Look, I found your baseball.
+Peter, I'm sorry.
+This whole thing is a mistake.
+You didn't believe me when I told you.
+I'm sorry, Peter.
+But you know, sometimes big people make mistakes, and, well, you've just got to forgive them.
+Now, can we be friends?
+Did you know I'm going to help Mr. Post with his magic act tomorrow?
+That's right.
+He insisted.
+You are going to have the most wonderful party tomorrow.
+But those kids don't like me.
+Oh, yes, they do.
+Now, are we friends?
+Here, let me take your things.
+And we'll go out and play catch, huh?
+Great.
+That's a boy.
+I've got some hits upstairs.
+You're going to show me the finer points of the game.
+You wouldn't go out there and play...
+Well, what do you think of your party, sweetie?
+It's okay.
+Peter, here are some more of your friends.
+Hi, Andy.
+Hi.
+Hello, sissy.
+Come on, Mike.
+Peter, let's join the group, huh?
+Come on, fellas, let's get the entertainment underway.
+Here we are.
+Hey, Dad, you're it.
+Come on.
+Now, if you'll just keep your little...
+If you'll just keep quiet, I will introduce...
+That world-famous magician and prestidigitator...
+Who has just returned from a triumphal tour of the provinces...
+The one, the only, Will Barini.
+Thank you.
+Thank you.
+I thank you.
+Isn't he funny?
+Go ask your mother.
+Now, if my assistant will please give me a piece of rope,
+any piece of rope, I shall perform my next trick.
+Why, of course, a piece of rope.
+An ordinary piece of rope.
+Here you are.
+I thank you.
+As you can all see, this is just a plain, ordinary piece of rope.
+It is not.
+It's a trick rope.
+I saw it on television.
+Yeah, he makes believe he cuts it, but he really doesn't.
+It's got a magnet in the middle of it that holds it together.
+For my next trick, I should like to perform one never before seen anywhere,
+not even on television.
+I bet.
+This is called my disappearing trick.
+For this trick, I shall need two volunteers from the audience.
+They're not volunteers.
+They're vigilantes.
+I'll never get this one.
+If my assistant will give each of these boys one of these rubber balls.
+Yes, master.
+Young man, there you are.
+If you will please place one ball in each of my pockets.
+That's it.
+May I have...
+Thank you very much.
+I have here a box, just an empty box.
+Is that empty?
+Are you quite sure?
+Stop that.
+Here.
+This might be a good place to ring down the curtain.
+Come on, boys, refreshments.
+Here we go.
+Come on.
+Lunch, refreshments.
+Wilbur, where's Peter?
+Peter?
+I think I know where he's gone.
+Would you mind holding these, dear?
+Come on, Pete.
+It's your party.
+All the kids are waiting for you.
+You know they're not.
+You don't want to miss all that ice cream, do you?
+Hey, Wilbur.
+Yes?
+I've got an idea that'll help Peter.
+Yes?
+Now, listen.
+None of these boys seem to like this part of the interview.
+Peter, there you are.
+Here, I fixed a plate for you.
+Come on, sit down.
+The magician has made a horse appear.
+Who wants a ride on Mr. Ed?
+Johnny, you're the oldest.
+You go first.
+Gee.
+Hey, what's the matter with him?
+Nothing.
+He always acts like that with a new rider.
+Don't be afraid, Johnny.
+Come on.
+Nothing.
+Andy, you go first.
+No, thanks.
+Frank, you go first.
+What, you're all done crazy?
+Isn't there anybody here brave enough to ride on Mr. Ed?
+No, not me.
+No, thanks.
+Surely there's someone here who's willing to take a chance.
+How about you, Pete?
+Him?
+He's a sissy.
+I'll ride, Mr. Ed.
+Atta boy.
+Come on, Pete.
+Gangway, boys.
+Here we are.
+Up you go.
+Here.
+Now, look, if he tries to roll over on you, you jump off fast and get right back on.
+Got it?
+Okay.
+Let's go.
+Stand back.
+He ain't scared.
+Boy, he's brave.
+Don't call him a sissy.
+Boy, oh boy, let's go.
+This is a lot of fun.
+It really is.
+Come on.
+Here, Pete.
+Well, what do you know?
+You made a little boy very happy, Ed.
+Want to make me happy, Wilbur?
+Yeah.
+Lose a little weight.
+I'll think about it.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
+And no one can talk to a horse, of course.
+That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse.
+He'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course.
+Talk to Mr. Ed.
+People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
+And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E20 Ed Agrees to Talk.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,473 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Hello.
+Oh, hi, Carol, this is Kay.
+Did you get up enough nerve to ask Wilbur to buy you your own car yet?
+No, I haven't.
+Well, sweetie, if I were you, why are you breathing so heavily?
+Me? I thought it was you.
+Sweetie, ask Wilbur for the car.
+If I were that afraid of my husband, my mink would still be running around in the forest.
+Maybe you're right.
+I'll ask him this morning. See you later.
+Ed, have you been eavesdropping again?
+Yes and no.
+What do you mean, yes and no?
+Yes if you saw me and no if you didn't.
+Well, I saw you and you should be ashamed of yourself.
+All right, then I won't tell you what I just heard on the phone.
+Good. I don't want to hear it.
+Okay, but when you're married, you need all the help you can get.
+Ed, I told you, I do not want to hear it.
+But Carol was talking to Kay and it's going to cost you a fortune.
+But if you don't want to hear it, let's skip it.
+Huh? Who?
+Ed, what is going to cost me a fortune?
+You said you didn't want to hear it, so my lips are sealed.
+Ed, you talk or there won't be any television for you tonight.
+The next voice you hear will be Ed the Blabbermouth.
+All right, let's hear it.
+Your wife wants her own car.
+She does. She does. She does.
+She does what?
+Wants her own car.
+Who does?
+My wife.
+She does?
+Well, I hope you're getting ready to turn her down.
+Well, first, I mean, I'll try to be fair.
+I'll listen to what she has to say and then I'll turn her down.
+Good boy. And hold fast.
+Because if you get Carol that car, if I know Kay, she'll want something too.
+Boy, will I turn her down.
+Good. Now remember, you've got to promise me...
+Wilbur, I'm sorry to hear about your losses.
+If things don't get better and you feel that you have to borrow money from me, don't hesitate to ask.
+Money? But I don't need...
+Thank you, Roger.
+I'll let you know.
+I'm sorry, Carol.
+Wilbur, why are you borrowing money?
+Borrowing money?
+Now, don't you try to hide any bad news from me.
+I'm not.
+It's nothing that I can't take care of myself.
+Well, what can I do for you?
+Well, I was thinking that...
+Are you sure everything's all right?
+Look, darling, no matter what happens, we...
+We still have each other.
+Of course, that's... that's all we may have.
+Wilb... what can I do for you?
+Well, I've given this a great deal of thought and I...
+Nothing.
+I... I was just wondering if you could spare the car. I have some shopping I have to do.
+Oh, sure. You know, honey, if I'm not using the car, it's yours.
+Oh, thank you, dear.
+Of course, if you could find a street without any parking meters, I'd appreciate it.
+Wilbur, if you think we should be cutting down on expenses...
+Now, now, now. Things aren't that bad... yet.
+What are we having for dinner tonight, dear?
+Well, I... I was planning on prime rib, but I'm making hot dogs now.
+Better make it one each.
+All right, dear.
+Wilbur, I think it worked.
+Oh, I feel like a heel. I mean, I feel awful.
+Did you see how sad she looked?
+Let's face it, buddy boy, a woman is a sometime thing.
+Yeah, sometimes they drive you nuts.
+Hello. Oh, hello, Wilbur.
+It worked, huh? Oh, great. Fooled Carol completely, huh?
+Oh, I knew you could talk her out of that car.
+There's nothing easier than pulling the wool over your wife's eyes.
+And was I convincing. Carol's liable to go out now and look for a job.
+How wonderful. Hey, Wilbur.
+Wilbur, why are you breathing so heavily?
+Have we been cut off?
+Well, no, it's probably a loose connection.
+You know, you can always count on that poverty routine. It always works.
+I've been pulling it for years on Kay.
+For a couple of months now, she's been trying to get me to buy her an expensive strand of pearls.
+I keep getting her off the track by...
+Bye-bye, Wilbur.
+I'll bet you think I didn't know you were there all the time.
+That's why I made up that ridiculous...
+How dare you spy on me?
+That was very sneaky, telling Wilbur not to buy Carol a car.
+You advise her, why can't I advise him?
+Two wrongs don't make a right. Carol needs a car of her own.
+Like you need that string of pearls.
+I'll have those pearls in the morning.
+Only if you dive for them tonight.
+With me advising Carol, they better get a two-car garage.
+I wouldn't bet on that, my dear.
+I'd bet my new string of pearls on it.
+It's a deal. If Carol gets the car, you get the pearls.
+Fine.
+But if she doesn't get the car, then you hand over your charger plate to me for two months.
+Two whole months?
+How could I have been such a fool?
+Wilbur acted as though we were going bankrupt.
+He looked so sad, I could have cried.
+Oh boy, oh boy, what a prized simpleton I am.
+And I never even got to ask for the car.
+Sweetie, take it easy, or you'll have a wall-to-wall omelet.
+Oh, that Wilbur.
+I didn't even know I was going to ask for the car.
+I think Addison has our house bugged.
+I'm not going to give up.
+Add a girl.
+Remember, you're fighting for two of us.
+Your car and my pearls.
+Oh, who does he think he is?
+Why, I'm going to go right out there and tell him a thing or two.
+Oh, he probably thinks I'm the stupidest thing that ever lived in this...
+No, no, no, no, no.
+That's no way.
+Tell him nothing.
+You've got to hit him in his weak spot.
+Weak spot?
+Oh yes, you know who your husband loves the most.
+What a silly thing to say.
+Of course I do.
+Good, we agree.
+It's the horse.
+The horse?
+Why, yes.
+Now listen, I've been in the marital ring for a heck of a long time,
+and I'll tell you, you've got to keep punching all the time.
+Ed, what's the matter?
+My ears are burning.
+Someone's talking about me.
+Maybe they're saying nice things for a change.
+According to my horoscope, I shouldn't leave the barn today.
+I'm surprised at you.
+I didn't think you believed in that stuff.
+Well, they warned Julius Caesar, and you know where he got it.
+Ed.
+Right in the lobanza.
+I think I've nothing to worry about.
+Oh, no.
+If I were a cat, I'd be up a tree now.
+Take it easy, Ed.
+Wilbur, don't leave me today.
+You're acting like a baby.
+Well, I'm only seven and a half years old.
+You've got nothing to worry about.
+I'll save your place in the world than a barn.
+Wilbur, come on.
+We're late.
+♪
+Wilbur.
+I'm worried.
+Now, Kay overheard our telephone conversation,
+and still Carol hasn't asked you to buy her that car.
+Well, what are you worried about?
+She knows what my answer will be.
+Good boy. Stick with it.
+I've got a string of pearls riding on you.
+Those pearls will never leave the oyster.
+But Carol must know by now that you tricked her.
+It's just not natural for a wife not to fight back.
+I'm not worried.
+Carol isn't the sneaky type.
+That's what Samson said just before Delilah reached for the scissors.
+You're selling yourself over nothing.
+Believe me, we can outwit our wives.
+No, we can't.
+♪
+Say, but your horse hitched to a carriage.
+♪
+Whoa, Mr. Ed!
+♪
+What is all this, honey?
+Isn't it a great idea?
+I thought we'd use Mr. Ed for transportation.
+♪
+Look, I've been pulling this for two days.
+Put a stop to it.
+Well, it's not so bad.
+The only thing I want behind me is my tail.
+Try to hold out a little bit longer.
+I think Carol's starting to weaken.
+Well, now, that's just fine.
+I'm pulling a wagon and she's weakening.
+Oh.
+Huh?
+Oh.
+Oh.
+Oh.
+Oh.
+Wilbur, I'm proud of you.
+Kay hasn't even mentioned those pearls in a couple of days.
+That's great, but you know,
+pulling this heavy wagon is kind of hard on my horse.
+Well, that's what he's for.
+He's only a dumb animal.
+Oh, he nearly stepped on me.
+Come on, girls.
+It's a lovely day for a ride.
+Oh, I hate to go into the side room.
+Huh?
+Well, have you ever done that before?
+No, I haven't.
+Oh, my, I just can't wait to go riding in that surrey.
+I'm a weirdo.
+Well, off you go, Globel.
+All right, here we go.
+Oh, oh, oh.
+Oh, oh.
+Uh-oh.
+Here we go.
+Here we go.
+Oh, oh.
+Here we go.
+Oh, oh.
+Oh.
+Oh, oh.
+Oh, hello, Owens,
+front yard of the next town just for us is my patron saint.
+Well, I'm
+The innocent always suffer.
+Give her the car.
+It'll only last for a few days.
+You see, she'll give in.
+I wasn't cut out for work.
+I'm a playboy.
+♪
+S-P-C-A.
+May I speak to the Cruelty to Horses Division?
+♪
+Hello, Mrs. Adams speaking.
+Do you protect poor dumb horses?
+We certainly do.
+Do you know of one that's being mistreated?
+They're making him pull an overloaded carriage
+that the 20 mule team couldn't pull.
+That is awful.
+May I please have your name?
+Oh, uh, just call me an animal lover.
+Well, would you give me the name of the guilty party?
+Well, I'm not a squealer.
+But her name is Mrs. Post, 17230 Valley Road.
+And please hurry.
+This poor horse can't talk like you and me.
+Don't you worry.
+I'll attend to this personally this afternoon.
+Thank you.
+♪
+Honey?
+Yeah?
+Honey, would you please hitch up Mr. Ed?
+I'm expecting the girls any minute now.
+Where are you taking him today?
+Oh, we haven't decided yet.
+It's so much fun just driving him around town.
+Will that Flo-Bell McGuire be going?
+Of course.
+Honey, she must weigh at least 200 pounds.
+220.
+Oh, and Flo-Bell has a twin sister
+who's going to join us today.
+A twin? Is she...
+230.
+Flo-Bell, we're all ready.
+We'll be there in a few minutes.
+Carol, listen to me.
+Oh, excuse me, dear.
+Carol, listen to me.
+You are not going to take Ed out of the barn today.
+He's been sneezing, and he looks tired.
+But dear, I'm only doing it for you.
+I'm Mrs. Adams of the SPCA.
+Are you Mrs. Post?
+Yes.
+Vent, please.
+Thank you.
+We have a complaint
+that you've been abusing your horse.
+Complaint?
+Oh, but that's ridiculous.
+My wife adores our horse, don't you, dear?
+Oh, yes, I adore him.
+Yeah.
+May I see the horse, please?
+Now?
+Yeah, well, he's now having his regular three-hour nap.
+But we have some lovely photographs of him in our album.
+They're in color.
+It shows his nice, healthy cheeks, rosy and all.
+I'll get him for you.
+Why, there he is,
+with his head sticking out of the barn door.
+Believe me, Mrs. Adams,
+my wife loves animals.
+I know.
+She's been married to me for three years.
+May I please see the poor animal?
+Oh, Wilbur.
+Now, look what you got us into, huh?
+Mrs. Adams, we would never mistreat our horse.
+What's wrong with him?
+Well, I told you he was taking his nap.
+Let's tiptoe out of here.
+Just a minute, please.
+My wife just fed him a big lunch.
+He never nibbles between meals.
+And no horse ever refuses sugar cubes.
+He, uh, he never eats sugar.
+Uh, I mean, he likes apples.
+Just Washington apples.
+Well, he just won't eat a thing.
+This horse is not well.
+I don't understand it.
+Honestly, Wilbur, we girls never took him to the park.
+We only took him a few blocks from the house,
+just to fool you.
+Achoo!
+Gesundheit.
+I just don't understand what's wrong with him.
+I'll be back with a warrant to take him away.
+Mrs. Adams, I can explain everything.
+Mr. Adams never works a day in his life.
+The reason my wife had him pull a carriage...
+What's going on here?
+Oh, Wilbur, I'm sorry I started the whole thing.
+You don't have to buy me a new car.
+Oh.
+Your charger plate, my dear.
+You, you're on your feet.
+Well, she said she was getting a warrant to take me away.
+So you were faking.
+Yeah, everything except there's cold.
+Achoo!
+I wet my feet down myself the other day to get it.
+You mean you deliberately caught cold
+so you could get Carol into trouble?
+Well, when that woman comes back,
+you better tell her the truth yourself.
+I talk only to you.
+Oh, no, you've outsmarted yourself this time, Ed.
+You'd better tell the truth tomorrow to that woman
+or tomorrow you're gonna be pulling a milk wagon.
+And I thought I had set up a perfect crime.
+Well, okay.
+I'll talk.
+You'd better.
+I'm a pretty sick horse, and you're awfully mean to me.
+Oh, my aching back.
+Now, now, everything's gonna be all right, honey.
+But you still haven't told me.
+How are you going to convince Mrs. Adams
+that I never mistreated Mr. Ed?
+Uh, well, look, I was gonna keep it a secret,
+but Ed's gonna clear you.
+Oh, how?
+Well, I can't tell you now because you won't believe me,
+but he'll do it because you wouldn't want
+to pull a milk wagon either.
+I'm in trouble, and you're making up riddles.
+Oh!
+Oh, Ed, this is gonna be a great day for me.
+Not only are you gonna clear Carol,
+but people are gonna find out that I am not out of my mind
+because you can really talk.
+Ed, you're not angry with me, are you?
+Well, why don't you say something?
+Ed, you haven't changed your mind.
+Well, why aren't you talking to me?
+Laryngitis?
+But that means...
+Ed, you've got to talk.
+Oh!
+How?
+Oh, but, Ed, now that lady will be here soon, and...
+We've got to make you talk or Carol will be in trouble.
+Real trouble.
+Oh!
+Don't be mad, Ed.
+Okay?
+Try it again. Say, ah.
+Oh!
+Open.
+Now, again, ah.
+Oh!
+Now, let's get the tube,
+and we'll try this horse-ass thing.
+I'm just gonna put it in the tube, see?
+Into the mouth, and I'm gonna blow on three.
+Okay, ready? Open wide. That's it. Open up.
+Ready? Now, one, two...
+Oh!
+Very funny.
+Now, we'll just add a little epsom salt.
+Oh!
+Oh, now, it'll be all right.
+Stand still. There. There we go.
+All right, now.
+Here, you'll feel fine.
+That a boy. Good boy.
+Just stand still.
+Up, up, up.
+There we go. One more, and there we are.
+Ah.
+How's that, Ed? You feel better?
+Oh!
+Let's just take your temperature again.
+Oh!
+Open up. Open up. Open wide.
+Come on. Open up.
+Hold it.
+Hold it, Ed, now.
+Just a few more seconds.
+Temperature can't be that bad.
+That's it.
+Aren't you a little old to be playing doctor?
+Ed has laryngitis.
+Oh? I suppose he told you that.
+No, he wrote a note.
+Goodbye, Wilbur.
+You helped me win a bet, but I think you suffered a nervous breakdown in doing it.
+Ah, you're coming back to normal.
+Aren't you glad I sprayed your throat?
+Oh, my pill.
+I don't understand it, Mrs. Post.
+I've checked on you in the neighborhood, and you seem to enjoy a fine reputation.
+Believe me, Mrs. Adams, I would never harm our horse.
+But he looked so ill when I saw him yesterday.
+Mrs. Adams, before you do a thing, we've got to have a little talk.
+It's too late for that, Mr. Post.
+It's very obvious the animal is unhappy here.
+He seems like a different animal.
+Believe me, he loves my wife.
+He loves her more than I do.
+I promise you, Mrs. Adams, I'll never hitch Mr. Ed to a wagon again.
+She won't have to.
+With her own new car.
+Wilbur!
+Well, I guess you are happy here.
+It's a Washington apple.
+Oh, it's beautiful. Just beautiful.
+Oh, thanks again, honey.
+Me, all you have to do is ask.
+What a nice husband.
+Walkin's for the birds.
+I gotta buy myself a car someday.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, of course,
+and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course,
+unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse,
+he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course.
+Talk to Mr. Ed.
+He'll booyakety yak a streak and waste your time a day,
+but Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
+and this one will talk to his voice, his horse.
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E21 The Mustache.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,430 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Gee, it's hot in here.
+I'm comfortable.
+Not me.
+Boy, it's hot.
+Why don't you open a window?
+Okay, but it's not gonna help.
+It's just as hot outside as it is inside.
+Now it's even hotter.
+Ed, you are leading up to something.
+Whatever it is, you're not getting it.
+Hello?
+Yes, this is Mr. Post.
+Who?
+Acme Plumbing.
+Uh-oh.
+I didn't order any shower for my barn.
+Uh, no, thank you.
+Goodbye.
+Think the Dodgers have got a chance this year?
+Ed, who gave you permission to order a shower for the barn?
+I think the Dodgers have got a chance this year.
+Ed?
+The Dodgers think they got a chance.
+Ed, do you know how much a shower costs?
+Take it out of my hay.
+I've never heard of a shower in a barn.
+Why, a horse invented the idea.
+It's called a stall shower.
+Now, if it gets hot, I'll hose you down.
+You never hose your wife down.
+Even if I were silly enough to put a shower in here,
+we couldn't afford it right now.
+Leave that phone alone, Ed.
+We don't need a shower.
+Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Reynolds.
+I thought you were somebody else.
+What do you think about my plans for your apartment building?
+Well, I did a pretty good job, I think,
+and it'll save you a lot of money.
+You'll let me know.
+Thank you, Mr. Reynolds.
+Bye.
+Bad news?
+I'm trying to get Reynolds to let me build his apartment building for a month now.
+I know he likes my plans, but I just can't persuade him to get started.
+Know what your trouble is, my boy?
+Your face.
+Well, I can't go anywhere without it.
+No, I mean, you've got a baby face,
+and when people are investing a lot of money,
+they feel safer with a man who is more mature.
+Do you think a little mustache like yours might help me?
+It wouldn't hurt, my boy.
+Well, I'm in one of those meetings, and stroke my mustache thoughtfully.
+Everybody stops and waits for me to say something profound.
+Dignity, maturity.
+Can I try on your jacket, Rog?
+Sure.
+With a mustache and my tailor, people will stand up when you come into a room.
+Oh, I begin to feel more successful already.
+My dignity's a little full in the back, but...
+How do I look?
+Splendid.
+Great.
+You must have spoken to the wrong party.
+This is Mr. Post, and I did not cancel the order for the barn shower.
+Sorry, wrong number.
+Edward, I told you, you are not getting that shower.
+Oh, my aching back.
+You look like Addison, and you're twice as grouchy.
+You know why I'm doing this.
+I've got to look older.
+Gee.
+Look, if I make enough money, maybe I will get you that shower.
+I don't think that silly mustache will do it.
+Why are you complaining about a few extra hairs?
+You've got a tail.
+But I can use mine to swish flies off my back.
+That's enough.
+Trigger not only has a shower, he has a sunken bathtub.
+You earn as much money as Trigger, and I'll buy you a swimming pool.
+Hi, Kay, come on in.
+Hi, sweetie.
+Oh, you missed a big sale at Mayfair's.
+What did you buy?
+Who cares? They were bargains.
+Kay, do you always buy things you don't need?
+Sure, if I ever happen to need them, they may not be on sale.
+If I weren't having so much trouble with Wilbur, I'd laugh.
+Oh, how is Wilbur?
+Just impossible.
+Since he grew that mustache, he's been trying to be another Roger.
+Well, sweetie, the world isn't ready for two.
+I feel like I'm married to a stranger.
+I've had that feeling for years.
+You know something?
+It's that mustache that's changed his whole personality.
+Shh, hold it down.
+He's fuzzy wuzzy.
+Good morning, ladies.
+Good morning.
+Good morning.
+I'm sorry I missed you at breakfast, my dear.
+You just missed me again.
+I failed to see the humor of that remark.
+Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I have work to attend to in my office.
+I feel very... profound today.
+Wilbur Post, this is ridiculous.
+Stop trying to act like Roger and shave off that silly cookie duster.
+My dear.
+You look like you're peeking at me over a hedge.
+My dear, I'm not imitating anybody.
+Excuse me, ladies.
+It's frightening. He even walks like Addison.
+Is he getting cheaper, too?
+No, his mustache hasn't gone to his wallet yet.
+Well, honey, maybe it will help him get more jobs as an architect.
+I don't care about the money.
+I married Wilbur, and I don't like that stranger who just walked out.
+Look, honey, I've got an idea.
+I think I know how to snap him out of this.
+Fight fire with fire.
+You mean I should burn it off him?
+You changed his personality. Why don't you change yours?
+I don't understand.
+Well, if he can be Addison, then you can be me.
+And I can be pretty awful. Huh? Huh?
+Huh?
+Kay, do you think I look all right?
+Oh, you look perfect, just like a fashion ad.
+Now, here, hold these boxes if you own all the contents.
+Here they are. Now, be po... Don't bounce your head, Carol.
+You look so much better when you're poised.
+Show dignity. Dignity when you walk.
+Quiet. That's the whole thing. Quiet. Now go.
+Kay, I don't think I can go through with this.
+Oh, sure you can.
+Now, don't forget you're me.
+Now, go back to the barn and be as miserable as I know how.
+Hello, Post Doll.
+Well, what are those packages?
+Oh, there was a sale at the Mayfair, and I just bought, bought, bought.
+Who cares, Angel? It was a bargain, and Kay always...
+I mean, I always bought. I mean, she always...
+My dear, don't you think you're being just a little obvious?
+Wilbur, please shave that thing off and be yourself again.
+My dear, I explained to you.
+This will help me, business-wise.
+Well, it's not helping kissing-wise.
+Well, sweetie, how did you do?
+I tried to be you, but I wasn't even a good me.
+It's Addison's fault. He never should have encouraged Wilbur.
+I bet if Roger shaved off his mustache, Wilbur would, too.
+Excuse me, dear. Where are you going?
+To sharpen a razor.
+Shave off my what?
+That furry little troublemaker under your nose.
+No. I'd be positively naked without it.
+Wear a fig leaf.
+Addison, if you'll shave yours off, Wilbur will shave his off.
+Nonsense. Just because Wilbur and Carol are having a little spat.
+A little spat? She's almost ready to leave him.
+Think about it.
+She's almost ready to leave him.
+Think of it this way, doll.
+You won't be losing a mustache. You'll be saving a marriage.
+But, my dear, be reasonable. I've had this for over 20 years.
+We even went through college together.
+But Wilbur's been imitating you in every way.
+He's been talking like you, walking like you, dressing like you.
+Personally, I think it's an improvement.
+Sweetheart, they're a young married couple.
+And now they've stopped kissing.
+They don't shake hands.
+Please take it off for your little baby doll.
+Baby doll?
+Yes.
+It stays.
+Marriage destroyer, you!
+All right, hot lips.
+If it means that much to Carol, I'll go and have a talk with Wilbur
+and get him to shave his mustache off.
+Boy, it's hot.
+Boy, it's really hot.
+I'll bet if you owed somebody a hot day,
+you could pay him back with this one.
+No shower.
+No shower.
+You know, I'm glad I took Roger's advice.
+Somehow I feel more mature.
+More confident.
+More...
+This is how you look to me.
+How's this for dignity and maturity?
+Mr. Post, any time you're ready for lunch, just let me know.
+You're acting like a child.
+What are we having?
+Canned soup, canned stew, and canned fruit.
+As long as you want to be Edison, eat like him.
+It's going to be a long, cold winter.
+Don't worry. She'll get used to it.
+Sure, buddy boy.
+Start lathering up.
+When I make up my mind...
+Nobody changes it.
+Look, Edward.
+Stop calling me Edward.
+I feel like I'm wearing short pants.
+Nobody changes Wilbur Post's mind.
+I am master of my own home.
+This mustache stays where it is.
+The day anybody gets me to shave this mustache off,
+that is the day you will get your stall shower.
+Wilbur?
+Buddy boy.
+I take a size 38 shower cap.
+Well, Wilbur, my boy.
+How do I look?
+We look like our wives got us at a one-cent sale.
+Wilbur, I'm afraid we made a mistake.
+Mistake?
+We're living in a fast-changing world.
+To be successful, you've got to be youthful.
+You've got to act young, feel young, look young.
+But just last week you told me I should look older.
+Roger.
+Wilbur, get rid of it.
+Did Carol put you up to this?
+Did she send you out here?
+No, Kay sent me out here.
+She told me Carol is very unhappy.
+Oh.
+So you want me to shave her mustache off and make Carol happy?
+Right.
+All right.
+If you shave yours off and make Kay happy.
+Now, let me understand this.
+You mean you won't shave yours off unless I...
+Right. We go together. It's a set.
+Very well.
+I never thought the day would come when I'd sign a mustache suicide pact.
+Oh, uh...
+Shh.
+With my shower cap, I want a half dozen large-size Turkish towels.
+I think the Dodgers have a chance this year, Edward.
+I think the Dodgers have a chance this year, Edward.
+My dear, how do you think I'd look with long sideburns setting off my mustache?
+Like a Saint Bernard.
+For all I care, you...
+Wilbur, you've come home.
+Ha, ha, ha, ha.
+Mmm.
+Aww.
+Mmm.
+I've been away a lot longer than I thought.
+How did you change your mind?
+Well, I paid $2 for our marriage license and it was going to waste.
+Oh, I've got to call Kay.
+Honey, Roger just told Kay.
+He's shaving his off, too.
+He is? I wonder what he'll look like.
+Like an open-faced sandwich.
+Addison.
+Addison, will you quit stalling?
+Remember your promise.
+I've got to get this leather the right thickness.
+You've been mixing that for 40 minutes.
+I'm not mixing or baking a cake.
+Now what?
+It's the light. I need a stronger bulb.
+We've already changed it twice. Now come on, shave it off.
+I'd better use an electric razor.
+Oh, let me do it.
+No, no, please.
+Kay, will you do me one last favor?
+What do you want now, an anesthetic?
+Would you leave me alone with my mustache for just a few minutes?
+Do you want to say goodbye?
+I feel like I'm losing an old buddy.
+Oh, so is Wilbur. Now come on.
+Hey, how do I know? He hasn't changed his mind.
+Well, you told me he was shaving his off.
+Yeah, but he could have changed his mind. I'd better go and see.
+Oh, I'll go and see.
+You have a reprieve for five minutes, but don't expect a phone call from the governor.
+Your steak will be ready in a minute, darling.
+Thank you, hon.
+I'll get it.
+Don't you burn that steak.
+Hello?
+Just a minute.
+What do you want?
+Now, about that shower.
+I'd like a needle spray.
+Why? What makes you think I got rid of my mustache?
+I smelled steak cooking.
+Well, you're wrong. I didn't shave it off.
+I'll be in the barn later, and you can see for yourself.
+Who was that on the phone, dear?
+It was me.
+Huh?
+I mean, I'm trying to reach a plumber.
+I was thinking of having a stall shower put in the barn.
+A stall shower in the barn?
+Wilbur, I'm so glad you have your sense of humor back.
+Oh, it's off. Good boy.
+Sent Nanta Harry over to see if I kept my half the bargain.
+Honey, about that shower for the barn.
+Wilbur, you're not serious.
+I am. I mean, it's very practical.
+You can take a shower on the beach, you can take a shower in the house.
+I can use the one in the barn.
+Why do we need two?
+We don't need two showers in the barn, just one.
+One in the house and one in the barn. One.
+You're just silly.
+Not two, one.
+I'm so glad you stopped being Roger.
+I wonder why he hasn't been over since he shaved his off.
+Will you quit stalling?
+But, my dear...
+If you hurry, I'll pluck it out one hair at a time.
+My mother warned me at the wedding you had a sadistic streak.
+If you stall any longer, it'll fall off from old age.
+Shave it off.
+You'll never find it now.
+Kay, will you wait outside?
+Just send me hourly reports.
+Kay, are you sure Wilbur shaved his off?
+Well, yes. I saw it with my own two eyes.
+Don't you trust me?
+Of course. I'll go and see for myself.
+That's right. I want the shower tiled in baby blue.
+Uh-oh. There goes my shower.
+Down the drain.
+You see, Edward, nobody can influence me when I make up my mind.
+Wife or no wife.
+I didn't think you had it in you.
+Well, it looks like it's going to be a long, hot summer.
+You can't win them all, Ed.
+I knew it. I knew it.
+Oh, thank you, coward. Thank you.
+May think something's rotten in Denmark.
+Why should I fib to you?
+I tell you, I saw Wilbur without a mustache.
+Then he grew another one in the last five minutes.
+But I wasn't really.
+If Wilbur shaved off his mustache, I will buy you a full-length mink coat.
+Wonderful. My little stole is going to have a big brother.
+Wilbur.
+Oh.
+Mr. Mann, honey, I dropped my pencil.
+Well, what is it, dear?
+I just saw Roger running out of here all lathered up. What happened?
+Well, let's talk about it outside. It's kind of hot in here.
+You're not going to start that business about a shower for the barn again?
+No, no. We can always hose him down.
+Down?
+Hose down. Him down. Who down?
+Look, we'll talk about it outside.
+Now I'm sure something's rotten in Denmark, and I'm getting a whiff of it over here.
+Wilbur, stop teasing.
+Honey, let's celebrate tonight.
+Celebrate? Oh, this. Swell.
+We'll ask the Addisons for dinner.
+Fine.
+I'll run to the market and get something special.
+We'll have a good time.
+Wilbur.
+Buddy boy.
+Yes, Ed.
+Just out here in the garden, Ed.
+Wilbur.
+Wilbur.
+What is it, hon?
+Shall we have steaks or chops?
+Uh, chops. Steaks will be fine.
+Wilbur.
+Yes, Kate?
+I knew it. I knew it.
+Addison, will you come here?
+Now, look for your...
+Your stole is still an only child.
+Wilbur, what's going on?
+Yes, dear?
+Wilbur Post! What are you doing to me?
+Wilbur, why are you playing games?
+I guess it must be the heat.
+Honey, maybe you do need that shower in the barn.
+Well, if you'll excuse me,
+I've got to shave.
+Addison, are you really going to shave it off?
+We made an agreement, my dear.
+Oh, well, keep your silly old mustache.
+I think I like you better that way, anyway.
+Mrs. Addison, do you mean it?
+I mean it, doll.
+Oh, bless you, my dear.
+Bless you.
+Wilbur, give me that silly thing.
+Know something?
+You like it?
+Hate it.
+I like you just as you are, baby face.
+Ed! Ed!
+Ed, I just got the Reynolds apartment deal the hard way,
+without a mustache.
+Good. Hand me a towel.
+One towel coming up.
+I have a mustache.
+Hey!
+A horse is a horse of course, of course
+and no one can talk to a horse of course
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A
+Go right to the source and ask the horse
+he'll give you the answer that you'll endorse
+He's always on a steady course
+talk to Mr. A
+So yakety yak the streak and waste your time a day
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well listen to this
+I am Mr. Ed
+This has been a Filmways television presentation

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E22 The Other Woman.autogenerated.txt

@@ -0,0 +1,486 @@
+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Could you take pictures of both children at the same time?
+Sure, my horse, Burndine, don't mind.
+She can carry the whole family, and you can climb on too, lady.
+Me? Oh, ho!
+Gee, you're lazy. Come on, Ed, let's go.
+Backseat driver.
+Stop kidding around.
+Who's kidding? My bunions are killing me.
+I've never met such a gold-rick. Remember, it was your idea to come to the park.
+I thought I was going to a picnic, not a steeplechase.
+You are just lazy. Look at that horse over there, working for a living.
+I'll have your picture ready in a couple minutes, lady.
+Thanks. Can we all stay on the horse?
+Sure. Burndine don't care. She's got a strong back.
+Strong back? That poor old horse is ready for Social Security.
+She looks okay to me.
+Please, she's due right now for the rocking chair and the shawl.
+Come on, Ed.
+Your picture taken?
+No, thank you. No.
+Nice looking horse you got there. How old is she?
+Burndine's 18.
+How old is yours?
+Seven.
+Although he acts like he's ready for the rocking chair and the shawl.
+Yeah, he does look lazy.
+Only time he moves is to lie down.
+How would you like to buy him? He's for sale.
+No, thanks. Burndine's got a lot of good years left in her.
+I work her seven days a week, 12, 14 hours a day.
+And she never complains.
+Well, if you should change your mind, my name is Post and I live on Valley Road.
+Funny looking kid.
+Hey, lady, they came out great. Beautiful children.
+Well, Burndine, so you're going to sell me, huh?
+Well, you don't scare me a bit.
+No, your four knees were shaking like castanets.
+A man's horse works 14 hours a day and she never complains.
+How can she? She can't talk.
+Ed, someday you're going to find out that you can't enjoy life unless you work.
+I've been pretty happy so far.
+I can't make a Burndine work 14 hours a day. There ought to be a horse labor law.
+Come on, Ed. Let's go.
+Hey, I've just got to talk to you.
+Why, of course, sweetie.
+Are you and Wilbur coming with us to the movie tonight?
+I don't know. Wilbur hasn't come back from the park yet.
+He spends so much time with that horse, sometimes I...
+Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know Roger was napping.
+Oh, you can talk. He's fast asleep.
+Watch.
+Doll, I'm going shopping.
+I'm going to spend all your money.
+Now, if that didn't wake him, nothing will.
+He looks so comfortable like that.
+Oh, he is. He always sleeps with his hand on his wallet.
+When do you expect Wilbur back?
+That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
+When Wilbur's with that horse, I never know when he's coming home.
+He certainly spends a lot of time with that animal.
+Tell me, sweetie, when you got married, who signed the license?
+You or the horse?
+Sometimes I think I'd get more attention from Wilbur if I grew a tail.
+Let me give you a tip on how to handle your husband.
+It's worked with mine for years.
+Now, you see, as a matter of fact...
+...the husband goes to the doctor to make sure that his wallet's on the outside.
+If it's on the outside, he can't...
+I don't know why I bought you this saddle, you loafer.
+I should have got you a sleeping bag instead.
+That poor old horse, Bernadine. He works her seven days a week.
+That's all you have talked about since we came home.
+She's 18 years old.
+If Bernadine was human, she'd be 126.
+Ed, that is enough.
+Would you let a 126-year-old woman carry kids on her back?
+If she enjoyed it, yes.
+A great humanitarian you are not.
+Look, Ed, Bernadine is not my horse. What do you want me to do?
+Let her come live with us. What's another mouth to feed?
+Don't press your luck, Ed. I have enough trouble with Carol just keeping you.
+Will you send me out to work when I'm 126?
+Oh, stop being so dramatic.
+I can see the inscription on my tombstone.
+Here lies Ed. Dead.
+Look, I don't want to hear another word about that horse.
+Wilbur, I hate to interfere in other people's lives,
+but if you're wise, you'll take a little friendly tip.
+What is it?
+Sell your horse.
+Sell Ed? Why?
+Either that or sell your wife.
+And with the cold weather approaching, I would say Carol is a better bet.
+Has Carol been complaining about Ed again?
+She certainly has. You know, you're spending too much time with him.
+My boy, take a little friendly tip.
+Spend more time with a little woman.
+And it might not be a bad idea to bring her some flowers tonight.
+Flowers? That's a good idea.
+But I wish Carol had told me how she felt.
+Well, the time to start worrying is when they stop talking.
+You're right.
+I remember now. Carol didn't say a word just before I proposed to her.
+She sat there staring at me. Sort of makes small talk.
+I said, how about getting married?
+Wilbur, I'll never understand why you spend so much time with that stupid animal.
+Shouldn't have said that. You hurt his feelings.
+What?
+Animals can tell how you feel about them by the tone of your voice.
+They can?
+Troublemaker!
+You're very juvenile.
+What about that poor old Bernadine?
+That is enough.
+Haven't you got a heart?
+All right.
+126 years old and still working.
+Ed, I'm warning you, you better watch it.
+How can I through that door?
+You heard what Addison said.
+I'm paying too much attention to you and not enough to Carol.
+That's going to lead to trouble and trouble is the last thing I want around my house.
+I'm going out to buy Carol some flowers now and I don't want to hear another word out of you.
+Now about that Bernadine.
+Now about that Bernadine.
+I wonder where Wilbur went.
+I'm afraid we're going to be late for the movie.
+He's probably out for a stroll with Mr. Ed.
+I wouldn't be surprised if he and that horse eloped.
+Oh, I'd hate to miss the opening of the picture.
+You never know what's going on anyway.
+And what sort of a nasty crack is that?
+My dear, at the movie you're either gabbing, buying candy or looking for your shoe.
+Oh, what a lucky girl I was to have married the perfect man.
+No, no, my dear.
+You were not lucky.
+You were blessed.
+Didn't Wilbur tell you where he was going?
+He knows that...
+Excuse me.
+Wilbur.
+Telegram, ma'am.
+Mrs. Puts... Putts... Post.
+Wilbur, this is no time for games.
+Congratulations on your anniversary, Mrs. Post.
+What anniversary?
+You've been married exactly three years, eight months, six days, 11 hours and 12 minutes.
+I never get flowers.
+Darling, you're right.
+Tomorrow morning I'm going to turn you loose in the garden with a pair of shoes.
+Thanks, darling.
+Thank you, honey.
+You know, for a while there I was beginning to think you preferred your horse to me.
+Are you kidding?
+It may have more legs than you, but in nylons he's nothing.
+Well, now that we've had a belly full of this marsh, shall we get on to the movie?
+Right.
+I'll get it. I'll cut it short, honey.
+I'll get the car.
+Hello.
+How can you sit at the movie while Bernadine stands on fallen arches?
+Look, I told you I refused to discuss it.
+I'll be right out.
+I'll phone you from my office.
+Be right back, honey.
+Who was that on the phone, dear?
+Jerry Williams.
+He wants to discuss a business deal.
+It's kind of confidential, so I'm going to phone him from my office.
+All right.
+Oh, honey, don't stand too close to the roses.
+Why not?
+Next to you, they look like weeds.
+Oh, isn't Wilbur wonderful?
+Flowers, compliments, kissing my hand.
+If my husband acted that way, I'd have him followed.
+Oh, I don't have to worry about my Wilbur.
+He's like the geyser in Yellowstone Park.
+Old faithful.
+So young.
+Ed, you are acting like a child.
+Now, I don't want to hear another word about Bernadine.
+But why can't she live with us?
+Two can live as cheap as one.
+Not when they both eat like horses.
+Okay, then I won't eat.
+Give her my food.
+Now, where's Wilbur?
+By the time we get to that movie, it'll be on TV.
+Relax, doll.
+The price has changed hours ago.
+I'm sorry, Roger.
+Wilbur had a call from Jerry Williams.
+Jerry Williams?
+He left for Europe yesterday.
+Well, sweetie, he could have called from the boat.
+That'd be a good trick, since he took a plane.
+A plane?
+Yeah.
+Oh, no, no, no.
+Must be somebody else.
+I'd better turn off the motor.
+Why would Wilbur say Jerry Williams called if he didn't?
+That's a good question.
+Kissing my hand, bringing me flowers, full of compliments.
+Why is he doing all of this suddenly?
+Oh, well, darling, it could be any reason.
+Your husband loves you, and he wants you to be happy.
+Or he has a guilty conscience.
+Your reason will sound better in court.
+They're waiting for me.
+Poor Bernadine is 130 years old.
+You said she was 126.
+Well, you know how women lie about their ages.
+I have just made up with Carol,
+and I don't intend to start any more arguments.
+Now go to sleep.
+I won't sleep.
+Will you?
+I don't want to hear another word about this.
+It's over, it's settled, it's finished, it's...
+Final.
+Final.
+About Bernadine.
+Go eat your hay.
+Party pants.
+Well, let's go.
+Coming, princess?
+Wilbur, who did you say called you before?
+Hmm? Oh, Jerry Williams.
+That Jerry Williams never stops working.
+Working.
+Here it is, 8 o'clock, and he's still talking business.
+Several days ago, we started on an expedition to the movies.
+What happened? Have I lost the safari?
+Sorry, Roger. Come on, girls, let's go.
+Don't be suspicious, dear.
+Whatever you think Wilbur is up to,
+we're probably mistaken.
+I just hope Old Faithful isn't blowing off steam for somebody else.
+Boy, that movie really put me to sleep.
+Wilbur?
+Yes?
+Do you like my hair this way?
+Huh?
+Oh, yeah, I like it right where it is.
+Top of your head.
+Good night.
+Would you like me better if I changed the color?
+Huh?
+How about if I dyed it red?
+Or black?
+Or do you like platinum better?
+Honey, I'd like you if you were bald.
+Don't you care how I look?
+Honey, you can be red one day and brunette the next.
+I don't care.
+I like girls with convertible tops.
+Wilbur?
+Do you love me?
+Of course.
+Say it.
+Huh?
+Say it.
+Oh.
+Night.
+Is it so hard for you to say I love you?
+I love you.
+I can't sleep.
+Then take a pill.
+I don't want a pill.
+Would you mind getting me one?
+You seem to be keeping me awake.
+Wilbur?
+Is there anything you think I should know?
+Wilbur, there's something we must discuss.
+I know you weren't talking to Jerry Williams tonight.
+And if there's some other woman in your life, please tell me.
+No.
+No.
+No, Bernadine.
+No.
+No, I can't support two.
+Carol would never let me have another around the house.
+I can't.
+All the time.
+Bernadine.
+Bernadine.
+What's so funny?
+Bernadine.
+Benedict, ooh.
+Aah!
+Ready for breakfast, dear.
+What's for breakfast, honey?
+Your favorite.
+Black coat, burnt eggs, chard, bacon?
+Where'd you get this, at a fire sale?
+You should have married a better cook.
+Didn't you sleep well last night, dear?
+No, but you did.
+With a big smile on your face.
+Hi, Kay.
+Good morning, Wilbur.
+Kay, I wouldn't go in the kitchen.
+You'll have all your hit with a frying pan.
+She is in a bad mood today.
+I wonder why.
+Kay, would you do me a favor?
+Find out what's bothering her.
+You mean you have no idea?
+Hmm?
+Oh, yeah.
+We talked about it last night.
+She made it very plain.
+Well, what are you going to do about it?
+Hmm? Nothing.
+If she wants red hair, it's okay with me.
+Excuse me, Kay.
+I'm gonna feed Ed.
+I'm gonna feed Ed.
+Now, who's Bernadine?
+I thought you were Wilbur.
+Bernadine who?
+I don't know.
+Wilbur talked about her in his sleep last night.
+Oh, poor little doll.
+Kay, I'm going to have it out with him.
+Oh, no, sweetie.
+That'd be the worst thing you could do.
+Well, what do you expect me to do?
+Keep quiet?
+Darling, once you tell him you know, it could be the finish.
+Just be patient.
+Oh, don't eat that, Kay.
+I burned it on purpose.
+Mmm.
+Tastes fine to me.
+This is how Addison always cooks my breakfast.
+Kay, what am I going to do?
+Look, doll.
+I'll have my husband pump Wilbur.
+Men tell each other things they never tell their wives.
+But then Wilbur will know I know.
+Oh, no, doll.
+Addison may not be the brightest man in the world,
+but he ranks with the sneakiest.
+I wonder what Bernadine looks like.
+Yes, Wilbur.
+It won't stop.
+Wilbur, stop shouting.
+Stop shouting?
+I've never heard of such a thing.
+The crime is done.
+I've already kidnapped Bernadine.
+Ed, you are going to get me into a lot of trouble.
+She'll never punch a time clock again.
+I'm putting her out to pasture.
+Ed, Bernadine's owner, this Charlie Woods, just called me.
+He knows she's missing.
+Where are you calling from?
+That phone booth in the parking lot on Laurel Road.
+Oh, I owe you a dime.
+A dime?
+I took it off of your desk.
+Go ahead, add robbery to your charges.
+Look, I am not going to change my mind.
+You know how I feel about Bernadine.
+You stay right where you are. I'm coming over.
+We're going to settle this once and for all.
+Hi, Roger. Look, I got to run.
+Wilbur.
+There's something I want to talk to you about.
+Not now. I'm in a hurry.
+But this is important.
+You know, there comes a time in every married man's life
+when he feels like stepping out.
+Don't do it, Roger. Kay's a wonderful girl.
+Didn't Wilbur say where he was going?
+No. He just jumped in the car and drove off.
+But you were supposed to have that talk with him.
+I did.
+Well, what did he say?
+He said I should stick with you.
+What?
+He never even came in to say goodbye.
+Oh, I'm sure this is a misunderstanding.
+Wilbur just isn't the type.
+Of course he isn't.
+And at least you'll get the house.
+Wilbur wouldn't even look at another woman.
+Where's my Bernadine?
+Ah!
+Mr. Post stole her from me.
+Just a minute, my good man.
+I'll take him to court.
+There are laws against these things.
+You have only yourself to blame.
+If you had treated her properly, she never would have left you.
+Mr. Don't-tell-me-how-to-handle-Bernadine,
+I haven't laid a whip to her in years.
+No wonder you can't hold on to her.
+I don't want to argue.
+Where's my Bernadine?
+With my husband.
+Ah!
+What's he want with her?
+She's 18 years old.
+18 years old?
+That's right.
+And she's got another four or five good years left in her.
+No way to talk about your wife.
+What?
+Bernadine is a horse.
+He married her. He ought to know.
+Look, I don't know what's going on around here,
+but where's my horse?
+I got to take pictures in the park.
+I got to make a living.
+Do you mean Bernadine is really a horse?
+Sure.
+With four legs?
+What other kind is there?
+Oh, thank you!
+Hey, what's going on?
+Mr. Post, I've been looking for you.
+Where's Bernadine?
+She's outside. I just brought her back.
+What's the idea of stealing my horse?
+I didn't steal your horse.
+My horse stole her.
+No, I mean, he didn't steal her.
+He thought she was working too hard.
+I mean, he doesn't know...
+Hey, what's going on?
+You're a kook.
+Excuse me.
+I'm not well.
+I've had better days myself.
+Wilbur.
+I know, I know.
+You're upset because I've been spending so much time with Ed.
+Come here.
+Why were you kissing that man?
+Wilbur, you're jealous.
+I'm surprised at you.
+If a couple can't trust each other,
+what is there to a marriage?
+You're right, dear. I shouldn't have been jealous.
+But why were you hugging that man?
+Oh, Wilbur.
+People.
+They sure can get a horse into a lot of trouble.
+Well, wise guy,
+I just had a talk with Bernadine's owner.
+Do you know what he says?
+Yeah.
+She was a scrawny, unhappy animal when he got her.
+Now she is happy and healthy.
+And do you know why?
+Yeah.
+Because she loves to work.
+She loves to work?
+That's right.
+Only through some horses are dumb animals.
+A horse is a horse, a horse is a horse,
+a horse is a horse, a horse is a horse,
+and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course,
+unless the horse is the famous Mr. M.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse,
+he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course.
+Talk to Mr. M.
+He'll yakety-yak the street and waste your time a day,
+but Mr. M. will never speak
+unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, a horse is a horse,
+you never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E23 Ed Cries Wolf.autogenerated.txt

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+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+Come on, it's your turn.
+Uh, move my pawn down.
+Here?
+Yeah, checkmate.
+Darn it, that's the fourth game in a row you've beaten me.
+Five, but Pooh's counting.
+You've just had an amazing run of luck. I'll beat you this time.
+Mm-hmm, well, just to make it interesting, how about a little side bet, like five sugar cubes?
+I've told you many times, it is wrong to bet. Warps your character, makes you greedy, and I always lose.
+My move, huh?
+Yeah.
+Go ahead.
+Um, you're in trouble.
+What did I do wrong?
+You started the game.
+Uh, will you move my second pawn down, too, please?
+Move it yourself.
+Please, those small ones get stuck in my teeth.
+Uh-huh.
+Ah.
+Wilbur, you're not much of a chess player, but I enjoy these hours we spend together.
+I don't know what I'd do without you. Really, Wilbur.
+If you would stop jabbering, maybe I could concentrate and win one of these games.
+To show you we're real pals, I'll help you.
+Move your king's rook down two squares.
+Mm-hmm.
+Mine up one.
+Now yours down one.
+Mine up one.
+Bring your bishop down one square.
+Now, uh, my bishop in front of it.
+Checkmate. You lose again.
+Well, I'd like to get you on a tennis court.
+A tennis court? Oh, you're beautiful.
+Let's play another game. And no help, please.
+Okay, you set them up. Meanwhile, I'll get us a couple of apples.
+A little later.
+You came, Lucklin.
+Well, what did Wilbur get you for your birthday?
+I don't know yet.
+You mean you didn't tell him what you want?
+Of course not. I believe in taking pot luck.
+Oh, that's dangerous, darling. You're liable to wind up with a pot.
+Does he know today's your birthday?
+Well, I guess so.
+You guess so? Oh, listen to this poor, innocent child.
+By now, you should have gotten your gift and exchanged it for something more expensive.
+Well, I think I know what he's going to get me.
+What?
+Well, last week, Wilbur and I were passing Pierre's jewelry shop,
+and I saw the most beautiful pair of earrings in the window, and I pointed them out to him.
+Sweetie, dogs are pointers. Wives are grabbers.
+You should have gotten them on the spot.
+Oh, I'm not worried. Wilbur's probably out buying those earrings right now.
+Hi, Wilbur.
+Hi, Rod.
+Kay tells me...
+Who are you playing chess with?
+With myself.
+How are you making out?
+I lost four times in a row.
+Five.
+Last time, I gave myself some bad advice.
+Kay just told me you're getting your wife some pearl earrings for her birthday.
+I know a place that will give you a wonderful...
+Pearl earrings? Holy cow, I forgot.
+Well, calm down, boy. Calm down.
+Rod, thanks for reminding me.
+I better get right down to Pierre's and pick up those earrings.
+Pierre's? You are buying your wife genuine pearl earrings?
+Yeah, why not?
+Never let your heart run away with your wallet.
+This time, I'd like to really surprise Carol, you know?
+I'll tell you what.
+After dinner, I'll bring her over to your place.
+I'll pretend we're gonna have a game of bridge.
+Then I'll give her the earrings.
+We'll have a big birthday cake, imported champagne.
+Bacon champagne? What? At my house?
+Oh, I'll pay.
+Oh, good, fine.
+Yeah, you say the little woman deserves the best.
+And, Roger?
+Yeah?
+Would you do me a favor?
+I want this to really surprise Carol, so don't tell your wife.
+Don't worry.
+I only say two things to Kay all day.
+Good morning and good night.
+All conversation in between is strictly hers.
+Well, happy spending.
+I thought old pickle pusher'd never leave.
+Ed, guess what?
+Today is Carol's birthday.
+Swell. Set up the chess board and we'll celebrate.
+Carol, I can't play chess now.
+I gotta buy some earrings.
+Um, in the middle of our game?
+She's my wife.
+So what? I'm your horse.
+Sorry, Ed, I can't spend all my time with you.
+See you later.
+Wilbur, let's compromise, huh?
+Spend your evenings with her and your days with me.
+Don't feel bad, Ed.
+When it's your birthday, I'll get you earrings.
+Wife.
+Big deal.
+I bet it would take her ten minutes to run a mile.
+Oh, hi, honey.
+Have you been in the barn all this time?
+Uh, yes. I just remembered.
+I've gotta go downtown.
+To get something?
+Uh, yes.
+For whom?
+I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
+Oh, I can tell you, dear.
+Gonna buy some hay at the feed store.
+Oh, thank you, Doc.
+Hay?
+Yeah. See you later.
+Wilbur?
+Yeah?
+You've always said I had pretty shell-like ears.
+A beachcomber's delight, my sweet.
+Well, don't you think they need a little something to show them off?
+You're right.
+Why don't you curl your hair over your ears?
+Like that. Beautiful.
+Tell you a secret, honey. I married you for your ears.
+Sure.
+Yeah. I mean, the lips, the nose, the eyes, all that stuff.
+Just part of the package deal.
+If you want my ears, they'll be in the kitchen.
+I'll get it, dear.
+Hello?
+How about getting back to our chess game?
+I can't, Ed.
+I gotta go down to Pierre's and pick up Carol's present.
+But, Wilbur, we gotta play.
+It's the only thing that takes my mind off of my poor sprained back.
+You're just faking.
+You just don't like to be alone.
+Now, look, you play solitaire until I come back from Pierre's.
+Pierre's.
+I'm sure your wife will appreciate the pearl earrings, Mr. Post.
+Yeah. Frankly, I didn't expect to pay so much, but after all, what's money?
+Hard come, easy go.
+Well, you know what they say.
+You have only one wife.
+Yes, I do.
+And I'm sure she'll appreciate the pearl earrings.
+I'm sure she'll appreciate the pearl earrings.
+I'm sure she'll appreciate the pearl earrings.
+You have only one wife.
+Yeah. And at these prices, I'm glad she's got only two ears.
+Would you like to have the earrings delivered?
+Yes, please.
+The address is 17230 Valley Road.
+17230 Valley Road.
+Wait a minute. On second thought, maybe I better take it with me.
+I want to surprise my wife.
+But she might notice it. The package is very conspicuous, no?
+Yes, that's true.
+I know. I'll hide it in the closet, and then after dinner,
+when we're playing bridge with our neighbors, I'll go back and sneak it out.
+Excuse me.
+Piers, may I help you?
+Yes. Mr. Post, it's for you.
+Me?
+Yes.
+Thank you.
+Hello?
+Why did you hang up on me before?
+I'm sorry. I was in a hurry.
+Look, you eat your hay, and I'll play chess with you later.
+No, Ed. I am not ignoring you.
+Didn't I ride you in the park on Sunday?
+Okay. If you've got burrs in your tail, I'll comb them out.
+See you later.
+There's a friend of mine. We're always kidding around.
+It sounded to me like you were talking to a horse.
+Well, how could that be?
+Thank you for wrapping the package so nicely.
+Oh, excuse me.
+Hello? One minute. Mr. Post, it's your friend the horse again.
+Thank you.
+Now what is it?
+Come home. I've got a headache.
+My eyes hurt.
+Maybe you've been watching TV too much.
+You're right. Maybe I need glasses.
+Glasses?
+Now listen, Ed. I know, but...
+I know, but...
+No, Ed. There is no such thing as a horse optometrist.
+All right. I'll come home.
+But Ed, if you're kidding, I'll twist a knot in your tail.
+It's a friend of mine. He's quite a character.
+A friend of mine.
+Believe me, Wilbur, I'm very nearsighted.
+Runs in my family.
+My mother used to bump into trees.
+We'll find out.
+And my father was even worse.
+He was married to Mother for ten years and never knew what she looked like.
+Yeah. Okay, now read the chart.
+What chart?
+The one on the wall.
+What wall?
+I know. Stop the faking, Ed.
+I want you to read the fourth line from the top,
+start at the first letter.
+Uh...
+It's either a B or a G or an I.
+Or an X.
+Never mind. Read the big one at the top.
+That's easy. It's an O.
+You're right. It's an O.
+It is not. It's an E.
+Ah, your eyes are perfect. I tricked you.
+No, my eyes are bad.
+I know the Fairbanks Optical Company always puts an E on the top of their charts.
+How do you know the Fairbanks Company made this chart?
+Well, that's what it says right there on the bottom.
+Manufactured by the Fairbanks Optical Company.
+How about a little chess?
+I am tired of you and your faking.
+But I get lonely in here, four empty walls, no one to talk to.
+A horse can go stir crazy.
+Silver!
+In here, honey.
+The eternal triangle.
+A man, a wife, and his horse.
+What would you like for dinner tonight?
+Or do you think we should eat out?
+Eat out? Oh, no, no, we can't eat out.
+You see, after dinner, we're going over to the Addisons.
+Oh, is there something going on there?
+No, nothing, nothing. Just gonna play some bridge.
+Sounds exciting.
+I hate to tease her like this, but there's one thing about a surprise gift.
+You've got to give it at the right time.
+Are you gonna be at the Addisons all night?
+Of course, it's my wife's birthday.
+Why don't you just hand her the earrings and blow?
+Look, Ed, at 8 o'clock, when I sneak out of the Addisons' house to pick up the earrings,
+I'll drop by here and say goodnight to you.
+Big deal.
+Think you can spare the time?
+Anybody home?
+Kay's upstairs.
+Good.
+How about Carol's birthday cake here?
+Where can I hide it where Kay won't find it?
+In the kitchen. She never goes in there.
+Addison doll, who came in?
+It was Wilbur, my love.
+I'll duck this in the closet. She's coming down.
+Hello, Kay.
+Hi, Wilbur.
+I just dropped by to borrow a cup of pencils.
+What's Carol doing?
+She's getting ready to go to the market.
+Why don't you join her, my love?
+No, no, I hate to shop for anything I can't wear.
+I'm going to the beauty parlor and see what colors they're pushing this week.
+Addison, I'd like to get my coat.
+Coat? On a stifling day like this?
+Oh, hey, it's not only stifling. It's hot.
+It's so hot outside that the pigeons are sitting under the statues.
+Addison, please.
+Goodbye, my dear.
+Doll, I'm in no mood for games.
+But, sweetheart, I'm only thinking of you.
+If you go out on a hot day like this, you might get overheated.
+You might get a chill.
+And before you know it, you're in the hospital.
+And there's only so much penicillin can do.
+All right, I'll wear my little black sweater.
+Great idea. I'll go get it.
+It's in the closet.
+Well, I'll have my hair back before dinner.
+I'm going to be surprising Carol with that cake in the closet.
+Cake? Wilbur would like this to be a real surprise.
+Now, promise me you won't say a word to Carol.
+Well, of course.
+Well, see you.
+Hold it, loose lips.
+Why don't you stay here until our bridge game tonight?
+Well, Wilbur, you trust me, don't you?
+Oh, sure. But you know how it is.
+You start talking to Carol. She says, how are things?
+You say, fine, Wilbur's got a cake in our closet.
+And before you know it, she catches on.
+Will you please get that while I hold on to the town crier?
+Hello?
+It's for me.
+What is it?
+I got an air ache, Wilbur.
+Rush over with a couple of hundred aspirin.
+Well, I'm sorry, I don't need any insurance, Mr. Christie.
+Don't be too rough on her, Roger.
+Use leg irons only if necessary.
+Ah, that was a delicious dinner.
+Let's hope we're lucky at bridge tonight, huh?
+It'd be nice to be lucky at something.
+I don't know, it's too hot for a coat. I'll put it in the closet.
+Oh, no, no. No, you should wear a coat, honey.
+It's so cool outside, the pigeons who were sitting under the statue are now wearing sweaters.
+Wilbur.
+Remember, honey, no tumping my ace tonight, huh?
+I'll get it.
+No, no. I'll get it. You go on to the Addisons.
+Hello?
+There's a suspicious looking character hanging around the house.
+You'll say anything to get me in that barn, won't you?
+But Wilbur, this time I'm telling the truth.
+I crossed my Fedlocks and hoped to die.
+Suspicious character.
+Why don't you invite him in to play chess with you?
+Kay, you were so right. He forgot.
+I should have been a grabber instead of a pointer.
+Excuse me. There is something I must tell you.
+Yes?
+I'm sorry, my dear.
+You were saying?
+I will tell Carol that it looks like another warm day tomorrow.
+A simple weather report.
+Beautifully put, my dear.
+Sorry I kept you waiting.
+Well, here we go again. Posts against the Addisons.
+If you don't mind, I'd like to play with Roger.
+I don't mind if Kay doesn't.
+You can play with anyone you want as long as the money is in my name.
+I could do with a cold drink, too.
+Honey, can I get you something?
+No, thank you. I have everything I need.
+There are some cold drinks in the refrigerator, Wilbur.
+Help yourself.
+Carol, I've just got...
+A wonderful husband you have there, Carol.
+That's what he keeps telling me.
+Happy birthday, honey.
+Happy birthday, Carol.
+Oh, my darling.
+You fooled me.
+Oh, you're all so wonderful.
+Big secret, wasn't it?
+And that isn't all, honey.
+That insurance agent again. I'll get it.
+Happy birthday again, dear.
+Don't cut it now. Don't cut it.
+That crook's in your house now.
+No, I've already got enough insurance, Mr. Christy.
+Goodbye.
+Guy never gives up.
+Carol, as I was saying, that isn't all.
+I have another surprise for you.
+Back in a second.
+All right, darling.
+Kay, what did he get me?
+Kay?
+I promised I wouldn't tell.
+But they'll look lovely on your ears.
+Oh, just what I wanted.
+That's right. Earlaps.
+I should get you one to put over your mouth.
+Oh, my Carol.
+Come here, darling.
+Hey!
+Stop!
+Another man in space.
+Okay, buddy, put them up.
+This is the law.
+If you turn around, I'll let you have it.
+I ain't moving.
+Take one step and you're dead meat.
+Please, officer, just arrest me.
+The wagon will be here in a minute.
+I just phoned the station.
+Keep those hands off.
+Please, don't shoot. Please.
+Don't turn around or I'll blast you.
+Sure as my name is Elliot Nass.
+I'm not turning, officer. Please.
+Just take me in.
+Okay, okay, what's going on?
+Officer, I'm guilty.
+I stole these things from this guy here.
+Oh, you did, huh?
+My wife's earrings.
+My wallet.
+Officer, I'm glad you got here.
+This cop behind me is trigger-happy.
+What cop?
+The only thing behind you is a horse.
+But there was a cop there.
+I heard him talk.
+He was holding a gun on me.
+He said he was Elliot Nass.
+Well, it couldn't be a horse.
+There was a man talking, not a horse.
+A talking horse?
+This man is obviously in need of help.
+Come on, buddy.
+A man was talking?
+That's impossible.
+Come on.
+You're right.
+He was right. I need help.
+Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't believe you,
+but this is what happens when you don't tell the truth all the time.
+Yeah, you're right. You're right.
+From now on, it's only going to be the truth.
+All right.
+Tell you what, I'll sneak over later,
+and we'll have a nice game of chess.
+Good, but hurry, because I got a toothache.
+Me, too.
+Toothache? Why is he holding his back?
+Oh, I love my earrings, darling.
+How did you know I wanted them?
+Well, when you pointed to them at Pierre's,
+you nearly broke the window.
+Oh, and thank you, Kay, for the perfume.
+Oh, it's powerful stuff, doll.
+Don't use it if you're only kidding.
+And thank you, Roger, for the handkerchief.
+My dear, it was nothing.
+You're right.
+A toast to my wife.
+Yeah.
+Carol.
+Carol.
+To Carol.
+Thank you.
+Excuse me, I'll be right back.
+And you thought I'd forgotten your birthday, huh?
+Oh, you sure forgot me.
+Oh, you do remind me of my mother, a thousand years ago.
+Carol.
+Carol.
+For me?
+It's for you.
+Nobody knows I'm here.
+It's for you just the same.
+Thank you, Roger.
+Hello.
+Oh, Wilford, how thoughtful, a singing telegram.
+A singing...
+Yeah.
+For she's a jolly good fellow,
+which nobody can deny.
+Happy birthday, Carol.
+Oh, thank you.
+Thank you very much.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
+and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse,
+he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course.
+Talk to Mr. A.
+He will yakety-yak the streak and waste your time a day,
+but Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
+and this one will talk to his voice, his horse.
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed.
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E24 The Contest.autogenerated.txt

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+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course.
+Talk to Mr. Red.
+J'ai le crayon.
+I have the pencil.
+J'ai le crayon.
+J'ai le crayon.
+You have the pencil.
+Vous avez le crayon.
+Vous avez le crayon.
+Hey, what's going on here?
+Hello, chérie.
+How are you?
+What's with the beret and the phonograph?
+Where'd you get them?
+I ordered them over the telephone.
+I am thinking of taking the trip around the world.
+The only trip you're taking is around the stable.
+The horse wanting to travel, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.
+But I want to see Spain, France, China.
+China?
+China, coming up.
+I'm getting the rickshaw, I'll be right with you.
+Oh, hopping rickshaw, sir.
+25 yen, first mile.
+I run very fast.
+Oh, come on, here we go.
+Oh, we thought we had Great Wall of China.
+We're on the right place, and on the right, we have the fate.
+I think you've flipped your fortune cookie.
+Thank you, Pudgy.
+Well, what's new?
+You still married?
+No, I'm still single.
+Well, what's new? You still married, okay?
+Wilbur, I don't understand what goes on in here.
+Somehow you're a different man once you come into this bar.
+You talk to yourself, you act strangely.
+Why don't you give up this place and get yourself an office on the outside?
+I can't. I'm not well.
+I'll see the world if I have to join the Navy.
+Hello?
+Hello, this is George Hausner from radio station WPXQ.
+What's on your mind, George?
+I'm calling for our giant jackpot contest.
+Is this Mr. Post?
+How much is the prize?
+$100.
+This is Mr. Post. What's your question?
+Mr. Post, you have just one minute to answer.
+Now, you may feel free to use any books that you have.
+Your friends can help you.
+Stop gabbing, George, and ask the question.
+All right, Mr. Post, you have one minute to answer.
+Can you tell us, what is the capital of Iceland?
+That's easy. Reykjavik.
+Congratulations, Mr. Post, you have won $100.
+And you are now eligible for our giant jackpot $5,000 prize next week.
+$5,000?
+Oh, thank you.
+Thank you.
+Those little Spanish fillies are practically sitting on my lap now.
+La cucaracha, la cucaracha.
+Wilbur!
+What? What's the matter?
+Why didn't you tell me you won a contest?
+Oh, well, I didn't... What contest?
+This contest. Oh, you should have told me.
+Wilbur Post, 17 Valley Road, won contest.
+Eligible for $5,000 final next week.
+Must be some other Wilbur Post.
+Living at the same address?
+You got a point there.
+Oh, Wilbur, I'm so proud of you.
+Honey, I tell you, it wasn't me.
+I'm gonna call the radio station and...
+It was me, buddy boy.
+Had you fooled for a minute, didn't I?
+Oh, Wilbur, how did you know that the capital of Iceland was Rykjavik?
+It is? I mean, it is.
+Any school horse knows... Any school boy knows that.
+Well, how's our famous quiz kid?
+Congratulations, my boy.
+Isn't it wonderful? Just imagine, if he answers this question, we get $5,000.
+Two mink coats as the fur flies.
+Wilbur, what do you intend to do with the $5,000 if you win?
+Well, I really hadn't thought about it.
+Well, we've always wanted to travel, but we never could afford it.
+Maybe we could go to Europe.
+Sure. And if we run out of money in Copenhagen, I'll just pick up the phone and win another $5,000.
+Oh, I wish we could go along.
+Why not? Money was meant to be spent.
+Oh, I think it's a wonderful idea. The four of us should have a rousing time in Europe.
+Sure. We'll spend the $5,000 we won, and then with the $5,000 you're going to spend, we will have a rousing time.
+You mean...
+We're not going as your guests?
+Well, on second thought, let's see America first. It's more patriotic.
+And cheaper.
+Oh, honey, I always said you were smart.
+Wait till my family read about your winning.
+My father always thought you were a dumbbell.
+Yeah, well, this will prove... He did?
+Well, I bet he doesn't know that Reykjavik is the capital of Sweden.
+Iceland.
+I just want to see if you're on your toes.
+Well, if you want me to hear, I'll be in my office, resting my brain.
+Rupert, maybe you should start studying. I mean, who knows what question they're going to ask you next week.
+Just let them dial. I'll be ready at my end.
+Ed? Oh, boy. Ed, how did you do it?
+It was nothing.
+Start at the very beginning. Tell me all about it.
+Nothing to tell. The phone rang, I answered, and please put the hundred in my account.
+I was so excited. You know, if we win that $5,000, I'm going to take her to Europe.
+Sure, we can't leave her here. Let's take her with us.
+And we'll travel first class. I don't like to mix with the hoi polloi.
+Ed, forget about it. We can't take a horse along.
+Hold it, Mac. Who's taking who?
+I answered the phone last night.
+But you used my name.
+But I used my brain.
+Well, we'll try to work something out, Ed.
+Meanwhile, I better start phoning up.
+Wilbur, I've been thinking.
+When that phone rings next week, you may get stage fright.
+They may ask you a perfectly simple question like,
+Who is the 13th President of the United States?
+You can't answer. The next day, millions of people are going to be laughing at you.
+Why is your horse wearing this Tyrolean hat?
+Oh, well, I let him eat a piece of my Swiss cheese sandwich, and it went to his head.
+You were right. You aren't well.
+Ed.
+The 13th President. Abraham Lincoln?
+Andrew Jackson?
+Zachary Taylor?
+Try Mickey Mouse.
+Who was it?
+Millard Fillmore, born January 7, 1800, died...
+All right, don't rub it in.
+Ed, I'll feel like a fool if I miss an easy question.
+And you can't help me because Carol and the Addisons will be with me.
+Well, don't worry about that.
+Just cancel all of your engagements this week.
+What for?
+I'm going to coach you.
+Ed, I would really appreciate it.
+Cut the corn. Just repeat after me.
+George Washington, born February 27.
+Carol, be sensible.
+Is it worth it? Your husband is driving himself to exhaustion.
+He's been studying every night this week.
+He hasn't slept. He's been skipping meals. He's been...
+Grover, you look tired. Can I get you some coffee?
+Coffee. Brazil. Area. 3,288,050 square miles.
+He's a walking zombie.
+Honey, you skipped dinner. Can I fix you a turkey sandwich?
+Turkey. Republic since 1923.
+Bordered on the west by Greece, Bulgaria, and the Aegean Sea.
+Look what he's going through to win this contest.
+And you want him to throw away that prize money.
+Money. The international rate of exchange.
+In Greece, the currency unit is the drachma.
+In Guatemala, it's the quetzal.
+In Honduras, it's the limpera.
+In Iceland, it...
+Iceland, it's...
+Dried fish.
+Oh, Addison, why don't you leave him alone?
+Alone. The act of lending or a sum of money lent for interest.
+See, interest.
+Honey, maybe you studied enough tonight.
+No, I've got a lot more reading to do, dear.
+If you want me, I'll be in the barn.
+Darling, the barn's over here.
+Morning, Roger. Morning, Kay.
+Nine o'clock at night and he says good morning?
+Is this worth a trip to Europe?
+Europe, a continent with adjacent islands...
+Get your thinking cap on, amigo.
+We're doing Spain.
+Yes, master.
+What is the capital?
+Cap... Capital of Spain.
+Capital of Spain?
+Oh, Ed, Ed, it's no use. I'm worn out.
+Shall I give you a massage?
+Ed, it won't help.
+When that phone rings tomorrow,
+I'll be too tired to think of the answer.
+And with Carol and Addison in the room with me,
+you won't be able to help me.
+Oh, yes, I will.
+Ed, you mean you're going to talk in front of everyone?
+No, it's going to be just you and me in this barn, chum.
+How far is the Earth from the Moon?
+Uh, 250,000 miles.
+Right.
+Uh, what year was Lincoln assassinated?
+1865.
+A month?
+April.
+The day?
+The 14th.
+You want to know what Abe had for dinner?
+Oh, we're a cinch to win tonight, Ed.
+Then I'll take you on the continent, all over.
+Oh, we'll eat like a king.
+In Italy, it'll be a parmesan,
+and France, haute sousette.
+In Germany, carrots, wiener schnitzel.
+Oh, that's what I call eating.
+Wilbur, you've been around that horse so long,
+you're starting to eat like one.
+Hiya, Roger. Pull up a chair.
+Thanks.
+Have a grape.
+No, no, no.
+Wilbur, I've come to appeal to you.
+If you answer that question correctly tonight,
+you may break up a happy marriage.
+Oh, no. Carol loves me.
+I'm talking about my own marriage.
+I'm going to be frank with you.
+I'm not as well off as Kay thinks,
+and if she goes on a spending spree in Europe,
+I'll come home a pauper.
+Please, I happen to know you are loaded.
+Why don't you want to take your wife on a trip to Europe?
+Because I'm not only loaded, I'm stingy.
+Wilbur, this is Mr. Hausner from the Giant Jackpot Show.
+Oh, don't get up, Mr. Post.
+Thank you.
+Mr. Hausner, this is my neighbor, Mr. Edison.
+Mr. Edison, how do you do?
+If you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with the bankruptcy board.
+Mr. Hausner is here to give you last-minute instructions.
+That's right, Mr. Post.
+I want to make sure, first of all,
+that you'll be home at 9 o'clock when we make that big telephone call.
+Oh, don't you worry. I'll be here.
+Honey, would you wake me at, oh, about 5 to 9?
+I'll be taking a little nap.
+Isn't he confident?
+Do you know he has barely looked at a book in two days?
+Once I read something, I never forget it.
+I have total recall.
+Total recall?
+He can't remember what he ate today.
+Just one more reminder, Mr. Post.
+You'll have one minute to answer the question.
+Now then, feel free to use any reference books
+your friends or your wife can help you.
+Oh, thank you. I don't need anybody with me.
+You certainly have the most amazing confidence.
+I just left your competitor, Carl Schultz, at his grocery store,
+and you've never seen a more nervous man.
+Some people have it. Some people don't.
+He's pretty smart with my brains.
+Well, good luck, Mr. Post.
+Thanks, but I won't need it.
+Oh, did I leave my briefcase in your living room, Mrs. Post?
+Briefcase? No, you didn't have any.
+Oh, I must have left it somewhere.
+Well, remember, you will have just 60 seconds
+to come up with the right answer.
+60 seconds for a simple geography question.
+I wonder what I'll do with the extra 59.
+Here, I'll show you out, Mr. Hathaway.
+Thank you.
+Carl.
+Carl, do you think it's all right to come back here?
+Nobody answered the front door. Maybe there's somebody back here.
+But, Carl, maybe we should bring Mr. Hathaway's briefcase to the radio station.
+He must be looking for it.
+But he told us he will be coming here.
+Maybe there's somebody back in the barn. Let's look.
+Nobody answers.
+Oh, what a beautiful horse.
+Carl, if you are lucky enough to win the contest,
+could we buy a little farm and a nice horse like this?
+There you go, dreaming again, Frieda.
+People like us don't have such luck.
+I guess you are right.
+Look at this beautiful house.
+Must be a very smart man, that architect.
+Yes, Frieda, he must be.
+Carl, if we are lucky enough and we win,
+maybe we can send for my mother.
+I haven't seen her in 33 years.
+We'll see, Frieda. We'll see. Come.
+33 years.
+That's a long time not to see your mother.
+Those Soltzers are going to need some help.
+Carol, shouldn't you be waking him?
+They'll be calling in a few minutes.
+Oh, Addison doll, you do want Wilbur to win after all.
+Nobody wants to live next door to a loser.
+Oh, honey, we love Europe.
+Of course, they say travel is very broadening.
+When it comes to money, it can be very flattening.
+Wilbur, it's time.
+Coming, dear.
+Honey, guess what?
+If you win, Roger is coming to Europe with us.
+Well...
+We'll come down to steerage and say hello to you.
+Honey, are you sure you don't want us to go to the barn with you?
+We could look for the answer in the books.
+I'm an expert page-turner.
+I used to date a librarian.
+Thank you, thank you. That won't be necessary.
+At a time like this, I should be alone with my thoughts.
+I'm a lucky girl to be married to such a brilliant man.
+You know, Addison may not be smart, sweetie, but he's loaded.
+Time for company.
+Mrs. Post?
+That's right.
+I'm Charlie Grant from the Jai Jackpot Show.
+I'm here to take some pictures of your husband.
+I'm going to go ahead.
+In a few minutes, that phone's going to ring.
+You'll give the answer,
+and soon you'll be serenading a Spanish filly under her stable window.
+Pull up a chair, Wilbur.
+For you or me?
+Wilbur, there comes a time in your life when you have to make sacrifices.
+What do you mean?
+33 years is a long, long time not to see your old mother.
+What are you talking about?
+Mrs. Post?
+Yes?
+I'm Charlie Grant from Jai Jackpot.
+Oh, yes, well, would you mind waiting in the house?
+I'm expecting the call in a few seconds.
+That's why I'm here. I'm going to take your picture.
+Well, why don't you take it after I win?
+I'll have a bigger smile on my face.
+Well, no, I'd lose my job if I didn't get a shot of you on the phone.
+You better answer it, Mr. Post.
+That's $5,000.
+Oh, yes, of course.
+Hello?
+Mr. Post, you have 60 seconds to answer our giant jackpot question.
+For $5,000, in what ocean are the Cape Verde Islands?
+Cape Verde Islands?
+Cape Verde Islands.
+The Cape Verde Islands?
+Cape Verde Islands.
+Just a minute.
+Help! Roger, Carol, Katie, help!
+Jogging. Where's the jogging people?
+Hold on, hold on.
+Jogging.
+Wait, wait, I...
+Jogging. Excuse me.
+Jogging.
+Jogging.
+Jogging.
+What's the matter? Huh? What's wrong?
+What's the matter? Wilbur, what's happened?
+Where are the Cape Verde Islands?
+Cape Verde Islands.
+Carol, Carol!
+Wilbur, Wilbur, which book would have it?
+It's in the geography book. Help me find the geography book.
+Geography book.
+Just a minute.
+Geography book.
+Don't stand there.
+Here.
+Go with it.
+Mr. Post, you have just 20 seconds.
+19, 18, 7...
+Hurry!
+I've got to get here somewhere.
+14, 13, 12, 11...
+Quiet!
+10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
+The Cape Verde Islands are...
+in the Pacific Ocean?
+Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Post.
+They're in the North Atlantic.
+I was wrong.
+They're in the North Atlantic.
+It's just slightly off.
+How far?
+$5,000 worth.
+Mr. Post, it's all about a big smile.
+Wouldn't you rather have an honest picture of a man crying?
+Thanks a lot.
+Better luck next time.
+Oh, Addison.
+Don't you fret, my dear.
+I'll take you on a trip real soon.
+Where to, Big Daddy?
+Cucamonga?
+Why don't you kids come over for coffee in a few minutes?
+I should be over my nervous breakdown by then.
+Oh, never mind, honey.
+We'll take a trip someday.
+Yeah, but not to the Cape Verde Islands.
+Why don't you give Kay a hand?
+I'll be right here.
+All right.
+Ed, why did you turn your back on me?
+It wasn't my fault.
+I know you were looking forward to taking this trip,
+but I couldn't get rid of the photographer.
+And about that geography book,
+what do you suppose could have happened to it?
+Where is it?
+Ed, why did you hide it?
+We might have won.
+I did it for Carl and Freda.
+Carl and Freda? Who are they?
+Well, that's a long story.
+As I said, there comes a time in your life
+when you have to make sacrifices.
+This old couple, she hasn't seen her mother in 33 years.
+I've just got to care about her.
+Ed, here's a picture of the Schultzes accepting the $5,000.
+They're cute.
+You're not sore at me, are you, Wilbur?
+Of course not.
+It was a nice thing you did,
+making it possible for Mrs. Schultz to bring her mother over.
+I always was a softie.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And no one can talk to a horse, of course
+That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed
+Go right to the source and ask the horse
+He'll give you the answer that you endorse
+He's always on a steady course
+Talk to Mr. Ed
+Heeple yakity yak, he'll streak and waste your time a day
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And this one will talk to his voice, his horse
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this!
+I am Mr. Ed
+This has been a Filmways television presentation

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E25 Pine Lake Lodge.autogenerated.txt

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+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
+that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
+You don't have to do that.
+I don't mind.
+My mother always said if you don't keep a place clean, it gets to look like a stable.
+Ed, I've got news for you.
+Uh-uh.
+Carol and I have decided to spend a few days up at Bill Parker's lodge in the mountains.
+I need a change.
+So do I. I'll pack a few things and meet you kids out front.
+Ed, we're not leaving yet and we can't take you along anyway.
+Now wait a minute, Wilbur.
+You always tell me I'm one of the family, is that right?
+Sure.
+Then how come every time you take a trip, I suddenly become a horse again?
+Stop talking like a baby.
+Well.
+Roger's gonna feed you and take care of you until we get back.
+Big deal.
+That old sourpuss hates me.
+He does not.
+Okay, so I hate him.
+Please take me along, Wilbur.
+I've never gone fishing.
+Fishing?
+Who ever heard of a horse fishing?
+Well, if you're gonna bring that up, who ever heard of a horse talking?
+Please take me along.
+I'm a little tired of being cooped up in this old stable.
+Where would you expect to live?
+This is America, where even a horse can dream of living in the White House.
+Pine Lake Lodge.
+Oh, I bet the weather is beautiful there.
+I'll get it, Martha.
+Pine Lake Lodge, Bill Parker, proprietor speaking.
+Wilbur Post.
+How are you, Wilbur?
+Great.
+Thinking of coming up?
+Fine.
+The weather?
+Couldn't be more beautiful.
+Oh, and of course have your wife bring her bathing suit.
+She'll need it.
+Reservations?
+Just a minute, Wilbur.
+Martha, we got any empty rooms?
+14 of them.
+Yeah, we got four.
+I mean, we can just squeeze you in.
+We expect to be fine.
+Just squeeze you in?
+Yeah, just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+Just squeeze you in.
+The weather couldn't be more beautiful.
+Tell me, Mr. Parker, how do you make up things like that?
+Martha, I'm a very truthful man.
+And as soon as Mr. Post registers, I'll tell him the truth.
+That I lied.
+Oh, honey, I'm so glad I finally got you to go away for a weekend.
+The rest will do you a world of good.
+Come on, let's go.
+Okay.
+You want me to carry that with you?
+Yeah.
+Honey, I'd better go see if Mr. Ed's all right.
+Hurry, Wilbur, or we'll get stuck in traffic.
+Don't worry.
+SPCA.
+I want to report a neglected horse.
+His owners are leaving him for the weekend in a cold, drafty stall.
+Hear him coughing?
+The name of the guilty party?
+Well, it's...
+Hey, what are you doing?
+I'm calling the Bureau of Missing Horses.
+Why?
+The minute you go, I'm leaving this chicken outfit.
+I tried to explain to you, we can't take you along.
+You're taking your wife.
+Well, that's different.
+We're married.
+You mean because I'm single, I'm staying home?
+Hey, cheer up.
+I told you the Addisons are going to look after you.
+Now, you just read your books.
+See you Monday.
+Oh, uh, Wilbur.
+Huh?
+Drive carefully.
+You're all I have.
+Washy.
+Oh, Martha.
+Wilbur's gone.
+Oh, Martha, Wilbur and Carol Post are checking in today.
+Did you change the linen in room 12?
+What for?
+Nobody's used it for three years.
+Hey, what's this about a town meeting here this morning?
+Well, Ida Brenner's trying to raise some more money for the children's camp.
+You better keep your Uncle Bill away.
+He's probably still paying off the pledges from last year.
+You're so right.
+But don't worry.
+I sent him off fishing an hour ago.
+And by the time he gets back...
+He is back.
+Uncle Bill, you said you were going fishing.
+That's right.
+After the meeting.
+But Uncle Bill...
+Now, Annie, you haven't got a thing to worry about.
+I won't open my mouth.
+I'll just sit there quietly in the front row.
+And why can't you just sit there quietly in the back row?
+Because nobody can hear me from there.
+Thank you.
+Thank you for your contribution, Mr. Finnelly.
+Well, some of you have donated very generously to our Pine Lake summer camp.
+But we still need $350 if those children are going to have their tables and benches.
+Now, won't somebody volunteer to donate just a small part of the money?
+Please, friends.
+How about someone who hasn't contributed yet?
+How about starting it off with $25?
+Will somebody please raise his hand?
+Oh, come, neighbors.
+Remember, this is a very worthy cause.
+How about $15?
+Please, friends, we have to have $350 for the tables and benches.
+Oh, won't somebody help raise the fund?
+I can't raise my hands, but I'll raise the money.
+All of it.
+Oh.
+I knew we could depend on you, Bill Parker.
+Yeah, I'll get all the furniture those children need.
+You can depend on me, Ida.
+Well, if you say so, Bill, that's good enough for me.
+Meetings adjourned.
+Well, you did it again, Big Daddy.
+Now, look, Annie, I've got everything all figured out.
+I'll do the work, and Dave Miller will donate the lumber.
+It won't cost a cent.
+And just what makes you so sure he'll donate the lumber?
+Because I know Dave Miller, that man's got a heart of gold.
+When he hears about those poor kids, he'll turn over his whole lumberyard to me.
+Hello, Elsie, get me Dave Miller at the lumberyard.
+You better fix up the room for the posts.
+They'll be here at 3 o'clock.
+Yes, Chief.
+I'll be there.
+That lumber's as good as in my workshop.
+Hello, Dave.
+Bill Parker.
+Yeah, I'm fine, Dave.
+Say, Dave, look, I just volunteered to build some furniture for the summer camp, and I
+thought maybe you'd like to contribute it.
+A few hundred bored feet of pine.
+But Dave, it's for those poor kids.
+Look, Dave, you were a kid once yourself.
+The stingiest kid in town, and you haven't changed a bit.
+Go.
+Let's see.
+40 kids.
+That's about 1,200 feet of lumber.
+50 cents a foot, that's $600.
+Where am I going to get $600?
+Hello, Bill.
+Oh, hello, Milo.
+Beautiful day, huh?
+Yeah.
+Yeah, it sure is money.
+I mean, Milo.
+Here, sit down.
+Let me dust off a plate for you.
+Sit right down there.
+Thank you, Bill.
+Have any luck catch anything?
+Oh, yeah, sure.
+Like this.
+Oh, by heaven, that's a beauty.
+It's all yours.
+Oh, no, no.
+Oh, I insist, Milo.
+I couldn't.
+Milo, it's yours.
+Thank you.
+This is very generous of you, Bill.
+Oh, generous.
+Look who's calling me generous.
+Milo, I'd say that you were about the most generous man in these parts.
+Oh, no, you don't.
+I heard all about you offering to give that summer camp all the benches and chairs.
+You open your mouth, and now you're trying to put my foot in it.
+Forget it.
+You're right.
+It's my problem, not yours.
+Yeah.
+I'll figure out a way to get that wood.
+Don't worry.
+I'll...
+Milo.
+Huh?
+You know there's enough wood in one of those trees to furnish three summer camps?
+Yeah, but you don't think that old skin-flin Thompson is gonna give it to you, do you?
+Fat chance of that.
+He...
+But, Milo.
+Huh?
+Suppose by...
+By some act of nature, one of those trees suddenly fell over.
+And, uh, would that act of nature maybe be one man with a saw?
+No.
+Two men with a saw.
+No, no, no.
+One man with a saw.
+Goodbye.
+No, no, Milo.
+Wait a minute.
+No, no, no.
+Sit down, Milo.
+I'll think of something.
+Pardon me, gentlemen.
+I'm taking pictures for my bird watchers group.
+Have you seen a speckle-coated sparrow around here?
+Lady, can you handle a two-man saw?
+I beg your pardon?
+Then the bird went that way.
+Oh.
+Bill, you will never get anybody to help you.
+Oh, don't be too sure.
+Wilbur Post will be checking in in about an hour.
+Oh, forget about it, Bill.
+He will never help you chop down a tree that don't belong to you.
+Milo, huh?
+You know it don't belong to me, and I know it don't belong to me.
+Now, this fish will keep his little trap shut.
+Wilbur will never know, will he?
+Oh, yeah.
+Inkeeper!
+Food and drink for the weary travelers.
+Oh, hello, Bill.
+So good to see you.
+And Cindy, my, how you've grown.
+Can I have a kiss?
+Can I have a penny?
+Cindy, little girls don't ask men for pennies.
+That's right.
+They grow up, marry them, and then take it all.
+Wilbur!
+Bill!
+Carol!
+Hello, Bill.
+Well, it's about time you two got here.
+We would have been here sooner, but we got stuck in the beautiful weather.
+Oh, yeah, well, it's cleared up now.
+Yeah, yeah, yeah.
+Uncle Bill's got the whole weekend planned for you, Wilbur.
+Yeah, you know the first thing you're going to do tomorrow morning?
+Yeah, sleep until noon.
+This is strictly a rest cure for me, Bill.
+I'm going to plant myself in that old rocking chair and make sure I get a good night's sleep.
+Plant yourself in that old rocking chair and let the fat grow.
+Now, you've got a pretty good start on that garden right now.
+Honey, will you get the bags from the car?
+I'll help you, Wilbur.
+Come on, I'll show you if you need anything.
+Wonderful.
+Oh, I say, while you're here.
+Ah, there's nothing like this clean mountain air.
+Yeah, that and a little exercise and you'll be all better again.
+Better again?
+Well, what's wrong with me now?
+Oh, nothing.
+For the shape you're in, you look fine.
+For years now, I haven't had a pain or an ache since I've been doing my special exercise.
+Special exercise?
+Yeah, my secret to a long life.
+As soon as I get you unpacked, I'll show it to you.
+It's something that every man can do right in his own backyard.
+Come on, boy.
+Are you sure this is the secret to a long life?
+Guaranteed.
+Right.
+I feel like 70 already.
+Oh, you look fine, boy.
+You've lost all that paleness.
+You've got a nice red color.
+Keep sorting, we're almost done.
+I tell Carol about this.
+Uh, you better not tell anyone.
+I just remembered something.
+What's that?
+What we're doing.
+It's a federal offense.
+Well, as long as it shows up your muscles.
+Federal offense?
+Yes.
+Timber!
+Good work, Wilbur.
+Now all we have to do is sort in sections.
+What do you mean it's a federal offense?
+Oh, that's only in case we get caught.
+No, no, wait, wait.
+Look, a Forrest Ranger truck.
+Duck!
+Secret to long life.
+We better get going.
+It's getting shorter every second.
+No, no!
+Hello?
+Oh, yes, Ann.
+Yeah, I'll take the call.
+Hello?
+Hello, Wilbur.
+Ed!
+Hey, Ed!
+It's nice to hear your voice.
+How do you feel?
+I don't want to worry you,
+but I've lost 50 or 60 pounds.
+Ed, will you stop it?
+I just talked to the Addisons on the phone yesterday,
+and I happen to know you're being very well fed.
+Well, that's a big lie.
+They've been giving my food to their cat.
+Hey, Addison's cat eats hay?
+Doesn't everybody?
+Look, Ed, we'll be home tomorrow,
+so you behave yourself.
+Can I watch the Late Late Show tonight?
+You can stay up and watch the Late Late Show,
+but please don't play that TV set too loud.
+Goodbye, Wilbur.
+Goodbye, Ed.
+Poor Wilbur.
+He's been sleeping all afternoon.
+He really is tired.
+Well, the rest is going to do him a lot of good.
+Oh, that's exactly what I told you.
+That's exactly what I told him today.
+Take it easy.
+I said, Wilbur,
+the secret to long life is relaxation.
+Just don't exercise.
+That can kill you.
+Where's Jerry?
+Has he found the man who chopped down that tree?
+Butterfingers.
+Not yet, but when he called before, he was furious.
+Boy, I'd hate to be the man who did it.
+Yeah, me too.
+Jerry said that Mr. Thompson,
+he owns the property.
+He's fit to be tied.
+When he catches that criminal,
+he's going to prosecute to the fullest extent.
+Uh, how full can that be?
+A thousand dollars fine and a year in jail.
+It's pretty full.
+Oh, hello, Milo.
+Bill, Bill.
+I just heard about what happened yesterday.
+Only a lunatic would have cut that tree down.
+Now, just a minute, Milo.
+What makes you think I had anything to do with it?
+Because yesterday you said you would,
+and today the tree is down.
+So, unless I walk in my sleep, you did it.
+Milo, we live in a democracy
+where every man is innocent until proven guilty.
+And you're looking at the most innocent man
+that ever cut down a tree.
+Bill, I am ashamed of you.
+Oh, stop looking at me like you were Joyce Kilmer.
+What has she got to do with it?
+When they catch you, they are going to throw you in jail.
+And...
+There comes Mr. Thompson.
+Look, you've got a guilty look about you.
+You're liable to give me away.
+Go on, scat. Get yourself some coffee. Go ahead.
+Well, hello, Mr. Thompson.
+Beautiful day, huh?
+Is it?
+Ranger Moffat back yet? He's going to meet me here.
+Well, Jerry should be back soon.
+Why don't you pull up a chair on the porch
+and make yourself comfortable, Mr. Thompson?
+Come on. There we are.
+Sit right down there. That's it.
+Too bad about that tree yesterday.
+Ain't the sort of thing that anybody around here would ever do.
+No, sir. We're all tree lovers around here, you know.
+As a matter of fact, the sight of a man with an axe
+sets my blood to...
+Would you like a cup of coffee, Mr. Thompson?
+No.
+I wish Moffat would get here.
+I'm anxious to find out what he learned from that witness.
+Well, he's probably... witness?
+That's right.
+Some woman staying at Snowflake Inn
+claimed that she was hiking through the forest
+and she saw these two men.
+She did?
+What's more, she says she can positively identify one of them.
+Which one? The young one or the old one?
+What's that?
+I mean... well, these kind of crooks always work in pairs.
+A young one and an old one.
+It's a... the young one sort of learns the tricks of the trade
+from the old one. It's a...
+Learn what you learn.
+Well, anyway, she said he was a young-looking man
+with sandy-colored hair and a bright Hawaiian shirt.
+I've never seen anybody like that around here.
+Oh, no. No, I...
+Well, now that you mention it, there was a coconut salesman
+passed through here on his way to Honolulu.
+Coconut salesman?
+Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Thompson.
+Oh, never mind that.
+What did you find out from the woman?
+Oh, we're in luck, Mr. Thompson.
+She took a picture of the guys running away.
+I rushed the film right over to Debbie's candle shop.
+She's gonna phone me the minute it's developed.
+Fine.
+Mr. Thompson, Cherry,
+I got something to tell you.
+We better go inside.
+Well, why?
+Well, I got a feeling I'm gonna have to get used to being inside
+for about a year.
+Wilbur!
+Wilbur?
+Wilbur.
+Wilbur, we're cooked.
+What's going on, Bill?
+Wilbur and me, we got a confession to make.
+We cut down the old pine.
+You did?
+Yeah.
+Don't believe him. He's delirious.
+He must have been hit on the head when the tree fell.
+It's no use, Wilbur.
+I always believe in telling the truth.
+Once you get caught,
+someone's gonna snap the picture of us.
+Mommy, Mommy, Uncle Bill's in trouble again.
+Well, Moffat, what are you waiting for? Arrest them.
+Hello.
+Yes, Mr. Devery.
+You did?
+That picture will be all the proof I need.
+Well, okay. Thanks.
+I'm afraid you don't have any proof, Mr. Thompson.
+The film was underexposed.
+You mean it didn't come out?
+Nope.
+Well, we don't need that picture anyway.
+We still have his confession.
+You mean to say you believe that cock and bull story I told before?
+Ha ha!
+Ha ha!
+Ha ha!
+Ha ha!
+Wilbur, we sure had him going for a while, didn't we?
+I could hardly keep a straight face.
+Ha ha!
+You old son of a gun, you!
+Wait a minute.
+What's that?
+A lion shirt.
+Just like that woman said.
+What have you got to say about that?
+Aloha?
+What's Cindy talking about?
+What's the trouble?
+It seems...
+Come on, Moffat, let's not waste any more time.
+Place those men under arrest and I'll prefer charges.
+Here, phone the sheriff.
+Jerry, don't you dare.
+Now, just a minute.
+I'll admit that I'm guilty, but Wilbur had nothing to do with it.
+He just came up here for arrest.
+Well, if I have my way, he's gonna have a nice long one.
+Mr. Thompson...
+Cutting down your tree was wrong,
+but the motive behind it was right.
+How do you figure that?
+Well, you see, Bill was gonna use that lumber to build benches and chairs for the summer camp.
+Forty kids will be coming up here, Mr. Thompson.
+Youngsters who never had a chance in life.
+This camp is one of the nicest things that could ever happen to them.
+All Bill wants to do is make that possible.
+That's the truth!
+I know trees are expensive, but suppose we personally pay for it.
+I can let you have $100.
+And we're willing to chip in.
+I got $87 laying in the bank as you're collecting dust.
+You can take my piggy bank.
+You can take my piggy bank.
+If you needed lumber, why didn't you ask me for it?
+Because everybody knows you're a greedy old skinflint.
+I wish you'd put that to him a different way.
+Well, it's true. He's never contributed one skinny dime to the camp.
+I didn't even know about it.
+If somebody had bothered to tell me, I might have considered making a donation.
+Well, you've still got time, Mr. Thompson, and it's deductible.
+Well, all right. You can have the tree.
+Now who's a greedy old skinflint?
+Mr. Thompson, I take back every nasty thing I ever said about you in the past.
+And that includes anything I might say in the future.
+You're all right, Mr. Thompson.
+I had you pegged for a good jolt the minute I laid eyes on you.
+Take your coconut-picking hands off me.
+Mr. Parker. Yes, sir?
+Don't let me ever catch you touching one of my trees.
+No, no, sir. No, sir.
+Well, Uncle Bill, I hope this has taught you a lesson.
+Oh, it certainly has, Annie.
+You don't ever have to worry about me again.
+By golly, I think he means it.
+I sure do.
+Wilbur, what do you say? Let's you and me go fishing tomorrow, huh?
+Okay, where?
+I know a great spot over on Thompson's property.
+Ed, I'm home!
+Ed!
+Beg your pardon, stranger.
+Oh, Ed. Oh, I really missed you, old boy.
+Yeah, then why didn't you write?
+Telegram? Postcard?
+Well, to tell you the truth, Ed, I got sort of involved.
+A phone call, then.
+It was a long distance.
+Oh, what? I would have been glad to accept the charges.
+People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.
+But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
+And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse.
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this.
+I am Mr. Ed.
+© BF-WATCH TV 2021

series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E26 Wilbur Sells Ed.autogenerated.txt

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+Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
+And no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course,
+Unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
+Go right to the source and ask the horse.
+He'll give you the answer that you endorse.
+He's always on a steady course.
+Talk to Mr. Red.
+Hi, Ed. Ready for a walk in the park?
+What's the matter? Little orphan Annie in trouble again?
+No.
+Daddy Warbuck's in the hospital?
+No.
+Little dog got lost, huh?
+No.
+Ed, what are you crying about?
+I ate some bad hay and I got a tummy ache.
+Cut it out, you faker.
+You just don't want to go out today.
+No.
+Come on, Ed. We're going to go for a little ride.
+Well, all right.
+Who am I riding?
+I never saw a horse like you.
+You've got four legs?
+How about using them once in a while?
+Look who's talking.
+Drives around in a car all day.
+I'll get it.
+No, don't try to make up.
+Hello?
+Oh, hi, Rog.
+Oh, hi, Rog.
+Wilbert, will you be in your office for a while?
+Good. I'll be right over.
+There. What would you do without Mommy to help you?
+I don't know.
+Mommy.
+Huh?
+I hate to be a perfectionist, my dear,
+but shouldn't the right boot be on the right foot?
+Mommy will fix it.
+I don't care what you say.
+Ed.
+We are going for a ride in the park.
+But my trick knee is acting up again.
+An old football injury.
+Football injury?
+Yeah. I was watching a game of baseball.
+Football injury.
+Yeah. I was watching a game on TV once and the set fell on my foot.
+Ed, you're just lazy.
+Yeah. The last time we went to the park,
+you stood still so long the pigeons sat on your back.
+Because they love me.
+You look like a statue.
+Hi, Wilbert.
+Hello, Rog.
+I'm going riding in the park. How about joining me?
+As a matter of fact, I was just getting ready to...
+Unsaddle Ed.
+He's got a sore leg.
+Oh, then you can rent one at the stable.
+I'm going riding with Fred Gilbert. I'd like to have you meet him.
+We've got a big real estate deal cooking and I think I can work you in.
+Wow. That's wonderful.
+Fred Gilbert.
+Name sounds familiar.
+Familiar. He's one of the richest men around.
+Has his own nine-hole golf course.
+A lot of men have that.
+Inside the house.
+He used to picture right on the society page.
+Fred Gilbert, well-known real estate tycoon
+with his beautiful black mare, Princess Helen.
+Wow, what a horse.
+That's the most beautiful mare I've ever seen.
+Now, what is this deal you've got cooking with Gilbert?
+It's a big, and I mean big, real estate development in Arizona.
+The architect's fee should be considerable.
+And you think you can get me the job?
+Well, that depends.
+Now, if Gilbert likes you, you're in.
+That's why I want you to go riding with us.
+Well, if that important, I can rent a horse.
+On the other hand, maybe I will take Ed with me.
+The exercise might help his knee.
+Fine. I'll meet you on site in about five minutes.
+Right.
+Come on, Wilbur, let's go.
+What made you change your mind?
+Oh, that Princess Helen is really built.
+Oh, you've got an eye for the ladies, huh?
+What a figure.
+68, 47, 68.
+Make me look pretty, Wilbur.
+Okay, Ed.
+I'll, uh, I'll put a curl on your tail.
+It's an excellent location for the type of building we have in mind.
+Now, let me suggest that when we first...
+Gentlemen, there you are, three hamburgers.
+Just help yourself to ketchup and the hot mustard over there.
+That'll be a dollar and a half.
+I've got it.
+No, let me.
+Boys, I insist.
+No, I've got it right here.
+Good.
+Fred.
+Thank you.
+Roger.
+There you are.
+Thanks.
+Sit right over there.
+Fine.
+Now, as I was saying,
+Boast, Roger tells me you're quite an architect.
+Oh, I try to do my best.
+Don't be modest, my boy.
+Fred, this young fellow has designed some of the finest buildings in this town.
+Right, Wilbur?
+I don't like to boast.
+Well, he did the Adamus Museum of Art.
+He's a fine architect.
+I'm sure he'll do a good job.
+I don't like to boast.
+Well, he did the Adamus Building,
+the Kingsley Building,
+and that 14-story Woodbury Building.
+Fifteen.
+Oh, that's another story.
+Well, you've got a lot of money in this venture.
+You strike me as a man who knows what he's doing.
+Why don't you drop by my house?
+I'm here.
+I've got some ideas.
+You'd better be getting back to the horses.
+Come on.
+Beat it, Mac.
+Hi, Princess.
+My name's Ed.
+Saw your picture in the paper.
+It doesn't do you justice.
+You're gorgeous.
+Where did you get those big brown eyes, honey?
+Oh, sorry.
+I forgot, baby.
+You don't understand this lingo.
+I'll put it to you this way.
+Who's a masher?
+Let's face it.
+I'm in love.
+Yes, this is Fred Gilbert.
+Yes, what can I do for you?
+Mr. Gilbert, I saw Princess's picture in the paper.
+Yes, what can I do for you?
+I saw Princess Helen in the park the other day.
+So?
+She's got the cutest legs in town.
+I beg your pardon?
+Would you put the phone near her?
+I want to hear her neigh.
+Is this some practical joker?
+Believe me, Mr. Gilbert, my intentions are strictly honorable.
+So you want to marry my horse?
+Why not?
+My father married one.
+Are you sure the vet said there's nothing wrong with Ed?
+He couldn't find anything.
+Something must be bothering him.
+He hasn't eaten since yesterday morning.
+Here, I'll try to tempt him with these apples.
+Here you are, Mr. Ed. Nice crisp apples.
+Come on, Ed, you need your vitamins. You're a growing horse.
+Look at his eyes. He looks dopey.
+I'm kind of worried.
+Poor Mr. Ed. He's been just moping around.
+He's not eating, not sleeping. He's losing weight.
+You know, honey, you were that way when you were courting me.
+That's not true.
+I never turned down an apple in my life.
+All right, take a bite. It's delicious.
+Well, I hope he's feeling better soon.
+I'll start lunch.
+You better get started on those sketches for Mr. Gilbert.
+Yeah, okay, honey.
+What's the matter, Ed?
+Were you ever in love?
+Oh, so that's it. You're in love.
+Wow. Who's the lucky horse?
+Princess Helen.
+Oh, I'd sure like to make her my bride.
+You're not serious?
+Yep. I want a horse just like the horse that married dear old dad.
+I wish I could help you, but what can I do?
+Well, go to Mr. Gilbert and ask for his horse's hoof in marriage.
+Oh, sure, sure. I can just see myself saying,
+Mr. Gilbert, my horse is in love with your horse.
+True, I know he's not working now, but I figure if you and I chip in a couple of bales of hay each week,
+why, we can get those kids off to a good start.
+And then they put me away.
+Please take me along when you go to see Gilbert.
+I can't. We're going to talk business.
+But I gotta see my girl. I gotta. I just gotta.
+Okay, okay, okay. We'll ride over there after lunch.
+Oh, bless you, Wilbur.
+Will you eat something?
+Well, I'll force myself.
+Hi, Princess Helen. I brought you a little gift.
+While the men are out talking business, honey, how about a little smooch?
+I drove downtown yesterday and looked at that 14-story building you designed.
+15. But that's another story.
+I told you to get a little smooch.
+But that's another story.
+I told you that joke yesterday.
+Yeah, I know. I like it so much, I use it all the time now.
+Oh, really? Well, thanks.
+Helen, I love you.
+I know you're thoroughbred and I'm from the wrong side of the tracks.
+Gee.
+I wish you'd stop eating when I'm proposing.
+I forgot you don't talk.
+Listen, honey.
+What do you mean I'm a tram?
+Come on, baby. I'll teach you to talk.
+Repeat after me.
+I love you, Eddie.
+Come on. It's easy, baby.
+I love you.
+And the subterranean parking lot will hold 200 cars.
+Oh!
+Oh, come on, baby. It was just a little kiss.
+What happened, princess?
+What's wrong? Why aren't you in your stall?
+I wish you hadn't brought your horse over here. He's evidently upsetter.
+Meathead.
+What did you say?
+I didn't say anything.
+I suppose your horse called me Meathead.
+Well, no, but...
+Why don't we go inside the house and discuss the sketches, Fred?
+I don't care to talk about it now, Post.
+Please take your horse and leave.
+Come on, Ed.
+Wilbur, why did you call him a Meathead?
+Roger, I owe you an explanation.
+You see, my horse has fallen in love with Gilbert's horse.
+It was love at first sight. I didn't want to take him over there,
+but the poor thing, he wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping.
+What could I do? He wants to marry Princess Helen.
+You don't believe me, do you?
+No. What worries me is that you believe you.
+It's the truth. I mean, if you knew somebody who was just sick with love,
+wouldn't you try to help him?
+Wilbur, what happens to you when you get near that horse?
+You see, I'm not a horse.
+When you get near that horse, you seem to lose what little intelligence you ever had.
+Take my advice. Sell that plug.
+For once, old Addison was right.
+I'm wrecking your whole life. Sell me.
+Sell you? Ed, we're inseparable.
+I'm willing to make the sacrifice. Sell me to Gilbert.
+Oh, so you can be near Princess Helen, huh?
+You said it.
+Gilbert wouldn't buy you.
+Then give me to him as a gift.
+I must go where my heart is.
+Oh, boy. Cupid really got you with that arrow, didn't he?
+Arrow? The son of a gun used a harpoon.
+You get over it. Look, I'm not going to sell you, and I'm not going to give you away.
+Well, if you don't, I'll go on a hunger strike.
+A hunger strike?
+Yeah.
+Well, I guess I have no choice.
+Please, Wilbur. Please call him on the phone.
+Okay, Ed. If you want it that way.
+Oh, Ed, I'm sorry. I just can't do it.
+Okay, then I'll dial.
+Oh, this is a nice gesture, Wilbur, but you don't have to give me your horse.
+I'm willing to let bygones be bygones.
+But I want you to have Ed.
+You see, we don't have much room around our place, and...
+well, I know how you love horses.
+Well, if that's the case, fine.
+I'm going to go and get my horse.
+I'll be back.
+I love horses.
+Well, if that's the case, fine.
+My phone. I'll be right back.
+Ed, this is it.
+Well, you won't forget to write.
+I'll phone you every night.
+We'll probably run into each other in the park on Sundays.
+Sure, good boy.
+Bye, Ed.
+This isn't goodbye, old friend. It's auf Wiedersehen.
+Ed.
+Don't move.
+Let me remember you just like that.
+All right, Phil. Yes, that's it. It's all settled.
+No, it isn't the money. She just doesn't seem to be happy here.
+Well, when does the ship sail, Phil?
+Fine. Well, I'll bring Princess Helen down to the dock myself.
+Oh, she ought to be in South America about next Friday.
+You're sure you've got a good groom. I wouldn't want anything to happen to her during the trip.
+I'll be right back.
+Wilbur, how about your sandwich?
+Wilbur, the sandwich.
+Oh, sorry, honey.
+Oh, honey, you didn't have to give Mr. Ed away just to protect that deal.
+Money isn't that important to me.
+Oh, that's life, I guess.
+I guess I'll have to get back to work.
+Oh, that's life, I guess.
+You raise a kid, you feed him, you worry about him, you take care of him when he gets sick,
+and then the first pretty face that comes along, he runs off and gets married.
+Wilbur, are you all right?
+I mean, maybe you need something to eat.
+No, it's all right, honey, I'll grab some hay later.
+What's wrong with him? He looks like he lost his best friend.
+He has. He never should have given Ed to Mr. Gilbert.
+Ah, but think of all the money your husband is going to make as a result of that wonderful gesture.
+Oh, Roger, money isn't everything.
+Woman, bite your tongue, you're hysterical.
+I miss you, Ed.
+I miss you, too.
+How could I let you go?
+I'll never forgive myself.
+It wasn't your fault, buddy boy.
+Ah, yes, it was. And stop interrupting.
+We're together, so...
+You really miss me, huh?
+I told you, didn't I?
+Ed, you're home, you're back.
+Helen and I are no longer an item.
+What happened?
+Gilbert sold her to some guy in South America, so I took a powder.
+You mean Mr. Gilbert doesn't know you're here?
+I guess I lost you that deal again.
+Oh, that doesn't matter, Ed. I'd rather have you.
+That goes for me, too.
+Gilbert.
+Yeah?
+We're just a pair of sentimental old slobs.
+Get my nose.
+What are you going to tell old Vinegar Poulos Addison?
+Oh, who cares about him?
+If he dares to open his mouth, I'll...
+Hello, Wilbur.
+That's Roger now. I'd better go out and soften him up.
+You tell him, killer.
+Wilbur, can we step into your office? There's something I'd like to discuss with you.
+Yeah, well, why don't we go inside the house? There's more room.
+No, no, no, no. Carol is a little disturbed with me.
+Oh, well, let's go to your house.
+No, my wife's a little disturbed with you. We'd better leave the office.
+Yeah, but, but, Roger...
+There's something I want to discuss with you.
+Wilbur, in spite of the way Carol feels, I think you did enough...
+What is that horse doing here?
+What horse?
+Mr. Ed. How did he get here?
+Well, Ed and the princes are...
+They are no longer an item.
+His girlfriend left suddenly for South America.
+Really? Why am I talking to you when you're near that horse?
+Come outside where you're a little more normal.
+Now that maybe we can talk...
+Wilbur!
+Mr. Gilbert wants to see you.
+I've got some bad news for you. Your horse ran away.
+I was talking on the phone when suddenly he bolted and took off. I have no idea...
+Wilbur!
+Well, he, uh, he came back by himself.
+He's still your horse, Fred.
+No. No. I don't like to be an Indian giver, Fred, but I, I'd like my horse back.
+If this means I lose the deal, oh well, okay.
+And I feel the same way.
+Don't listen to him, Fred. When he gets near this barn, he, he, he, he, he's a screwball.
+Please, Roger.
+Now, now, just relax, Roger.
+Any man who cares enough about his horse to jeopardize a big deal is my kind of man.
+You mean we're still in business?
+You bet. Beautiful the way this boy feels about that horse.
+He's a man's best friend. Next to his wife.
+Why don't we all go in and have some coffee?
+Oh, thank you. You know, your husband is quite an architect.
+I just love that new building, that 14-story building he designed downtown.
+Fifteen.
+Well, I guess that's another story.
+Very funny.
+How about that coffee?
+Coffee, yeah, coffee, Roger.
+Ah, 68, 47, 68.
+That's a lot of horse to lose.
+Ed, what's the matter?
+I'm in love.
+Oh, no.
+Ed, you've just got to forget about Princess Helen.
+Princess Helen? Who's she?
+Don't tell me you've fallen in love again since yesterday.
+This magazine just came today.
+Flash Away. She's a pretty horse.
+Yeah, she makes Princess Helen look like a boy.
+Let's not start again.
+How about arranging a date for me, huh?
+Sorry. Love is not for horses.
+It's for the birds.
+Got a date a little later
+When the moon is on the trail
+With the cutest triple gator
+My pretty little filly with a pony tail
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And no one can talk to a horse, of course
+That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A
+Go right to the source and ask the horse
+He'll give you the answer that you endorse
+He's always on a steady course
+Talk to Mr. A
+Keep your yakety yak to speak
+And waste your time a day
+But Mr. A will never speak
+Unless he has something to say
+A horse is a horse, of course, of course
+And this one will talk to his voice, his horse
+You never heard of a talking horse?
+Well, listen to this
+I am Mr. A
+This has been a Filmways television presentation.

tv.sh

@@ -0,0 +1,125 @@
+#!/bin/bash
+
+BASE_DIR="$(pwd)"
+
+# ------------------------------
+# Function: list channels
+# ------------------------------
+list_channels() {
+    CHANNELS=()
+    i=1
+    for dir in "$BASE_DIR"/*/; do
+        dir_name=$(basename "$dir")
+        CHANNELS+=("$dir_name")
+        echo "  $i) $dir_name"
+        ((i++))
+    done
+}
+
+# ------------------------------
+# Function: choose channel by index
+# ------------------------------
+choose_channel() {
+    list_channels
+    echo -n "Select channel number: "
+    read INDEX
+    CHANNEL="${CHANNELS[$((INDEX-1))]}"
+    if [ -z "$CHANNEL" ]; then
+        echo "Invalid selection."
+        return 1
+    fi
+    return 0
+}
+
+# ------------------------------
+# Function: play a channel
+# ------------------------------
+play_channel() {
+    if choose_channel; then
+        CHANNEL_DIR="$BASE_DIR/$CHANNEL"
+        SCRIPT="$CHANNEL_DIR/${CHANNEL,,}.sh"  # assuming script is lowercase like animes.sh
+        if [ -f "$SCRIPT" ]; then
+            bash "$SCRIPT"
+        else
+            echo "No script found for this channel ($SCRIPT)"
+        fi
+    fi
+}
+
+# ------------------------------
+# Function: reset tracking
+# ------------------------------
+reset_tracking() {
+    if choose_channel; then
+        STATE_FILE="$BASE_DIR/$CHANNEL/state.txt"
+        if [ -f "$STATE_FILE" ]; then
+            echo 0 > "$STATE_FILE"
+            echo "Progress for '$CHANNEL' reset."
+        else
+            echo "No progress file found for '$CHANNEL'."
+        fi
+    fi
+}
+
+# ------------------------------
+# Function: schedule shows
+# ------------------------------
+schedule_shows() {
+    if choose_channel; then
+        CHANNEL_DIR="$BASE_DIR/$CHANNEL"
+        
+        # List shows in channel
+        echo "Available shows in $CHANNEL:"
+        SHOWS=()
+        i=1
+        for dir in "$CHANNEL_DIR"/*/; do
+            show_name=$(basename "$dir")
+            SHOWS+=("$show_name")
+            echo "  $i) $show_name"
+            ((i++))
+        done
+
+        # Select two shows
+        echo -n "Select first show number: "
+        read S1
+        echo -n "Select second show number: "
+        read S2
+
+        SHOW1="${SHOWS[$((S1-1))]}"
+        SHOW2="${SHOWS[$((S2-1))]}"
+
+        # Enter times
+        echo "Enter start and end time for $SHOW1 (format HH:MM AM/PM-HH:MM AM/PM):"
+        read TIME1
+        echo "Enter start and end time for $SHOW2 (format HH:MM AM/PM-HH:MM AM/PM):"
+        read TIME2
+
+        SCHED_FILE="$CHANNEL_DIR/schedule.txt"
+        echo "$TIME1:'$SHOW1'" > "$SCHED_FILE"
+        echo "$TIME2:'$SHOW2'" >> "$SCHED_FILE"
+        echo "Schedule saved for channel $CHANNEL."
+    fi
+}
+
+# ------------------------------
+# Main menu
+# ------------------------------
+while true; do
+    echo ""
+    echo "===== TV Control Menu ====="
+    echo "1) Play channel"
+    echo "2) Reset progress"
+    echo "3) Schedule shows"
+    echo "4) Exit"
+    echo -n "Select an option: "
+    read OPTION
+
+    case $OPTION in
+        1) play_channel ;;
+        2) reset_tracking ;;
+        3) schedule_shows ;;
+        4) exit 0 ;;
+        *) echo "Invalid option, try again." ;;
+    esac
+done
+