tv_channel_simulator/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E11 Ed the Witness.autogenerated.txt

Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
Wilbur, are you sure we're on the road to Ensenada?
Of course we are. Leave it to me, I know where we're going.
And Wilbur, you said you knew a shortcut.
How far are we from Ensenada?
Oh, don't ask me. These Mexican roads twist so much.
Just a second, just a second, everybody.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. No doubt about it. We're lost.
Oh, no, Wilbur, I'm famished. If I had a little ketchup, I'd eat this map.
I could do without a bowl of chili myself.
I was looking forward to spending a delightful weekend south of the border, but with your sense of direction...
There's nothing wrong with Wilbur's sense of direction.
Oh, please. I consider it a triumph we got out of his garage.
But, Aristotle, you told Wilbur to make that left turn back there.
Of course I did. The sign said, hombres trabajando. That distinctly means left turn.
Wait, I'll look that up in the dictionary.
Now, believe me, it means left turn. I took Spanish in college, and I finished at the head of my class.
Hombres trabajando. Men at work.
Must have been a very small class, darling.
Wilbur, do you have any idea where we are?
Well, the way I figure it out, we're either just outside the town of Cojotzamamalulu...
or on a small island in the Pacific.
Well, we'd better just keep on driving.
Men at work, huh? Oh, must be an old dictionary.
Let's go, Desi.
I'd better go take a look at Mr. Ed.
Ed, I got a little problem. We're lost.
Who's lost? We're only ten miles from Cojotzamamalulu.
How do you know?
I read a sign back there.
You speak Spanish?
Doesn't everybody?
De nada, amigo.
So, this is Cojotzamamalulu. It certainly does look very big.
The only thing big about this town is its name.
I wonder if they have a restaurant here.
Well, there's a policeman. Let's ask him. Officer?
Oh, no, Wilbur. Wilbur. Let me. I speak the language.
Senor.
Si?
That means yes.
You could have fooled me.
¿Dónde es el restaurant?
You have a thick accent.
Yes, those Irish progs will always throw you.
La Golondrina is a very nice restaurant.
Oh, you speak English?
That means yes.
Is it the best restaurant in town?
Si, and the only one, too.
Thank you. Come on, girls. Por aquí, por favor.
I have a feeling this is not going to be one of the highlights of the trip.
Well, it certainly is very... quaint.
It has a wonderful provincial atmosphere.
Yeah, we're stuck.
Sit down.
I wonder where the owner is.
It isn't exactly the height of the rush hour.
Let's order. I want to send word down to my stomach that help's on the way.
Excuse me, sir.
Is the owner here?
Si.
Do you know where he is?
Si.
How do we get service?
Yes, go for it, Pepe. Thank you.
Pepe?
Pepe?
Are you calling me?
That's what I like. A man who gets right to the point.
You're going to like the beans. They're very good, señor.
Thank you.
Tacos, enchiladas, tortillas, arroz con polo.
Oh, I know what that means. Chicken with rice.
Either that or men at work.
What else do they have, Wilbur?
Uh, rozbif, bifsteck.
Roast beef, beefsteak.
Beefsteak. That's what I want, beefsteak.
I'll have the roast beef.
Steak for me.
And I'll have the arroz con polo.
Four order spins.
What we want.
What is nice. What I got, spins.
Mr. Man, if all you have is beans, why did you bother giving us this menu?
No bother. It's a pleasure.
Beans. If you hadn't steered us wrong, we'd be an ensenada by now.
You know, Kay, that's one of the things I admire about you.
Whenever I make a mistake, you're always the first to point it out.
You're in.
Oh, look at that wheel.
Oh, now we'll be stuck here for a week.
Wilbur, why did you have to bring this horse along?
I told you, he gets lonely.
¿Qué pasa aquí?
Did you see this accident?
No, señor.
Didn't you see anything?
If I see, I say. I don't see, I don't say.
You don't say.
¿Sí?
I say, I don't see.
We've got to get this wheel fixed.
Oh, I know the best mechanic in all Mexico. Arturo Gomez.
Will he do a good job?
Would he do a good job? Would I lie about my own cousin?
Now that you're almost finished, Arturo, don't you think we should agree on a price?
Sí, we should.
¿Eh?
¿How much is it?
Whatever we agree.
¿Ten dollars?
This, I don't agree.
¿How much?
This, I will charge you so you will be a little more poor and I will be a little more rich.
Well, how much more poor will I be?
The same, that I will be a little more rich.
Oh.
Why you not going to eat with your friends? I call you when he's finished.
You couldn't give me an idea of the price.
That's right, I couldn't.
Now your trailer will soon be fixed, Ed.
Good. I was afraid I'd have to walk home.
You were scared when you got hit.
Yeah, I almost ended up in that great big stable in the sky.
I'd like to get my hands on that hit-and-run driver.
Yeah, that beat-up old truck.
Truck? What truck?
License number 4231.
We have agreed on the price, señor. $50.
Would you mind stepping aside, please? I'd like to see your license plates.
$50, please.
You really expect me to pay you $50?
We make it $40?
I no charge you city sales tax.
I'm not paying you a cent. You ran into my trailer with your truck.
How you say this? There was no witnesses.
Ah, then you admit that you did it.
$30?
How do you say policeman in Spanish?
Policía.
Thank you.
Policía! Policía!
Why you call police? $30 is not so much. You like $25 better?
What's going on here, Arturo?
This man doesn't want to pay me for my work. He owes me $75.
That is a lie.
You speak Spanish, señor?
No, but a lie is a lie in any language.
Please.
Why do you not pay Arturo? He's $75.
$75?
All right, $70.
What more can I do?
Arturo, he's being very generous, señor.
Look at his fender. He must have hit me. It's dented.
My fender?
She was dented when the car was new.
What's the matter, Wilbur?
This is the man that ran into our trailer.
Please, Miguel. It is almost siesta time, and I cannot sleep when people, they owe me money.
I am not paying. It's a matter of principle.
Señor, you pay, or I must put you in the jail.
Wilbur, Addison will be glad to chip in half.
Why, of course. I...
No, no, no, Wilbur's right. We will not pay. It's a matter of principle.
But, honey, I don't want you going to jail.
Don't you worry. I'm not going.
Excuse me, señor. You have the time?
I'm in the right, and there is absolutely nothing that they can do.
Hey, what's the big idea?
Shh.
Siesta time and quazamamalulu.
Psst. Amigo.
Hi, Ed.
What time you going over the wall?
I don't have to. I'm going to win this case.
Sure, sure.
I'm going to win this case.
I'm going to win this case.
I'm going to win this case.
Sure, sure.
Ed, are you sure you saw the truck hit your trailer?
Positive. Too bad I didn't have a camera with me.
I know the girls in Roger are looking for a lawyer.
You had your lunch yet?
Yeah, but that Mexican hay is too hot for me.
I've been drinking water like a fish.
I've got to get out of here.
Excuse me, Ed.
All right, sure.
Officer, officer!
Ya, por favor, callese, hombre. Que escandalo trae.
Look, I'm an American citizen. I demand a trial.
Are you going to pay Arturo his money?
No.
Then you'll be a Mexican citizen before your trial.
Look, I insist you phone the judge and tell him that I'm here.
Insist.
Insist.
Why insist? When the judge gets here, he'll see that you're here.
Honey!
Oh, you look so pale. Are you all right?
Did you get a lawyer?
Addison's waiting for him to wake up. It's still siesta time.
This isn't a town. It's a giant sleeping bag.
Wilbur, maybe you ought to pay the man the $75.
70?
I'm not paying you a cent!
Relax, folks. The lawyer will be here shortly.
When?
As soon as he gets out of his pajamas.
Oh, honey.
Please pay the money. I don't like to see you behind bars.
My mind is made up. Now, you and Kay go and find some rooms for the night.
Meanwhile, Roger and I will talk to the lawyer.
You're really determined to fight this through?
Find the rooms, huh?
You never kiss me like that.
I will, dear. When you're behind bars.
Roger, keep an eye on him for me, will you?
Why? Where's he going?
Come on, Kay.
Roger, I didn't want to worry Carol, but that judge may not show up for months.
That's carrying a siesta a little too far.
Maybe you better phone the American consulate in Tijuana.
Good thinking. But I got a better idea.
What's that?
Pay the money and let's get out of here.
I am not going to pay that fellow $75.
$70.
I'll call the consulate.
My good man, have you a telephone here?
Not here, but on the wall.
Thank you.
You want me to make the call for you?
That won't be necessary. I speak the language fluently.
Operadora, usted, por favor, obtenerme el americano consulado Tijuana.
No, operator, I am not speaking Portuguese.
That was Spanish.
How long have you been in this country?
I want Tijuana, not Havana.
I said not Havana, Havana.
Very well, I'll wait.
Begin.
Senor Post, I am Francisco Gomez. I am your attorney.
I've been expecting you. Won't you sit down?
First, let me assure you that you will receive a fair trial.
That is all I expect, sir.
Senor Addison has acquainted me with the situation, but now I must ask a few questions.
Did you see the accident?
No.
Did any of your friends see the accident?
Well, no.
Then I must advise you to pay the $75.
$70.
That man has been lying. He ran into my trailer.
But if you have no witness...
I have a witness. Ed saw everything.
Ed? Ah, this is good.
Who is this Ed?
Well...
Well, he's not exactly the type you'd bring into a courtroom.
Please, senor, do not say this to me. In Mexico, everybody is equal.
Where is this Ed?
Outside the window.
Senor Ed! Senor Ed!
I see only a horse.
That is senor Ed.
This horse, she is your witness?
Senor, have you been drinking tequila?
Please, you've got to believe me.
You do not need a lawyer, you need a doctor. Miguel!
I'm telling you the truth.
Andale.
I'm telling you.
Of course you are.
That is the truth. Ed saw...
Si, como no.
Ed saw everything.
I'm telling you the truth. You've got to believe me.
What's the matter?
Hello.
It's about time.
Is this the American consulate in Tijuana?
What?
Havana?
Operator, I did not want Havana.
I want Tijuana.
T as in tacos.
I as in igloo.
A as in Argentina.
I'm calling the American consulate.
Good.
Well, how did you make out?
Did you find any rooms?
We won't need any, honey.
The judge just got back to town.
And he's going to try your case this afternoon.
Great! Now we're getting someplace.
Marvelous.
What?
Argentina?
Operator, I did not call Argentina.
I want Tijuana.
T as in Texas. No, no, no.
So the judge is here.
Win or lose, we'll be out of this town soon.
Ensenada, here we come.
What did your lawyer say, dear?
He refused to handle my case.
Goodbye, Ensenada.
Refused to handle your case? But why?
What's the difference? I'm innocent. I can't lose.
I... I'll defend myself.
I admire your confidence, Wilbur.
We'll send you cigarettes from the States.
This is just awful.
We'll just have to convince that lawyer to handle you.
Come on.
I'd better go along with him. To translate.
Ed, with you testifying for me, I can't lose.
With who testifying?
Look, I'm depending on you. You're my key witness.
Now you know I only talk in front of you.
This is a matter of principle.
Where's your integrity?
Where's your $75?
All I'm gonna do is tell the truth.
If they find out I can talk, I'll wind up in a circus.
Ed, I'm disappointed in you.
I've always felt towards you the way...
The way Paul Revere felt toward his horse.
But Paul did the talking, not his horse.
Okay, Ed.
No hard feelings, huh?
No. I'm...
I'll be waiting for you, buddy boy.
This way, please.
That's the one, Judge Hernandez.
Uh-huh. He's the guilty one.
Arturo, por favor, don't call a man guilty until there is a trial.
Senor Post, I'm Judge Hernandez.
Your Honor, I'm certainly glad you're here.
I'm sorry I was late.
Where's your lawyer?
Oh, I'll be defending myself.
The lawyer Gomez will not handle his case because he's loco.
Are you loco?
No.
Ah, good. Let us proceed.
Sit down on the bench, both of you.
This court is now in session.
Senor Post, what do you say?
Your Honor, this man hit my trailer with his truck.
And now he wants me to pay for fixing it.
Arturo, what do you say?
He's a big liar.
You say yes, he say no.
Are there any witnesses?
Well, yes and no.
Yes and no.
That makes maybe.
Do you have a maybe witness?
Well...
Ed!
¿Qué pasa con este animal?
Take this horse away from here.
Please, Your Honor, this is my witness.
The horse, he's your witness?
Yes, Your Honor.
Well, how can a horse be your witness?
Well, he told me Arturo's license number.
Oh, in that case, you know...
He told you?
Yes, Your Honor.
Are you sure you are not loco?
The horse saw it all, Your Honor.
Well, how can a horse write down a number?
Oh, he didn't write down the number.
Oh.
He just told me what he read.
Miguel, you know there is a law against serving tequila in jail?
But I didn't give him any tequila.
He is this way all by himself.
Make him to pay me my $80.
$80?
Ed, tell him what happened.
This is ridiculous.
How could a horse tell you a license number?
Uh, by tapping it out.
That's how he communicates with me.
What?
Yes, just write down any number at all, Your Honor, and he'll tap it out.
You are serious in your post?
If you'll please write down a number, Your Honor.
Oh, my God.
$60.
Did he read any number?
Yes.
Yes.
Try him in Spanish.
$50.
Of course, he does everything but talk.
Arturo, you are a liar.
You big mouth.
With a fire.
He isn't here. What did they do to him?
Oh, don't worry, darling. I'm sure everything's all right.
There are no high trees in the neighborhood.
Oh, gotcha.
What's up, little kiddies?
Well, let's get going.
I want to make it to Ensenada before it gets dark.
Well, did you pay him the money?
No, won the case.
You did? How?
Oh, just used a little horse sense.
Let's go, kiddies.
This has been a Filmways television presentation.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021