tv_channel_simulator/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E12 Ed's Mother.autogenerated.txt

Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
Right there by that fence, honey. Perfect spot for a picture.
Okay, honey.
Edison Doll, how about a picture of you? Those baby blue eyes would look beautiful in color.
I don't deny that, my dear, but I'm a little weary.
Oh, please, just one picture for my wallet.
That'd be the closest I've been to my money in a long time.
Hold it just a minute while I focus, honey. There.
Howdy, folks.
Oh, darn.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, did I spoil your snapshot?
That's okay. She's got special rates for group pictures.
You folks interested, maybe, in buying some doodads for the house?
I'm running an auction here this Sunday.
Auction? What auction? Where? What are they selling and how many to a customer?
Auction? Where?
Kay, let's go home.
Come this Sunday, you'll be able to pick up some real fine bargains at Z. Dowd's.
I'm selling everything on this farm from soup to nuts.
We have plenty of both, thank you. Come on, let's go.
Oh, I've got to see what he's selling.
Right this way, ma'am, through the gate.
That woman will buy anything.
To Kay, the world is just one great big department store.
Come on, Roger, it's only money.
I'm glad it's yours.
Well, thank you.
Sit up on the fence for one more, honey.
I?
Oh, move over just a little bit.
I want to get the horse in the background. Make it look real country.
Okay.
Sit back a little more, Roger.
Sit back a little more.
Oh, a little more.
Wilbur? Where are you?
Wilbur!
Oh, honey, are you all right?
I don't know.
Does that camera take x-ray pictures?
There's nothing funny about falling off a fence. It can happen to anybody.
It's never happened to me.
Wilbur, are you in there?
Yes, Roger.
Wilbur, I picked up your snapshots at the drugstore.
Oh, thank you.
I'll have to go back and get them.
I picked up your snapshots at the drugstore.
Oh, thank you. Roger, how much do I owe you?
Nothing. If you will help me on this auction business.
Oh, Kay still wants to go to the auction on Sunday, huh?
That's all she talks about. She wants to pick up a few things for our backyard.
Like what?
Oh, a wagon wheel, a kerosene lamp, an old water pump.
She'd buy the farmer if he were marked down.
I don't think that my wife's any different.
Now, remember, we've got to stick together on this.
No auction this Sunday. Right? Right.
Oh, brother.
What's so funny?
When I fell off the fence, all...
all Carol got was a picture of an old plow horse.
Don't laugh. Some of my best friends pull plows.
Let me see it.
Wait till Carol sees this shot.
Uh-huh.
Wait a minute.
What's the matter, Ed?
That horse in the picture.
What about her?
She's my mother.
Well, there she is.
Are you sure that's your mother?
That's Mama.
Go ahead. Go over to her.
How do I look?
You look fine.
Is my hair combed?
Yes. Now, look, stop being so nervous.
Mom taught us kids to be neat.
Your hair is combed, your shoes are shined, you look great.
Go over to her.
Okay.
Fine-looking horse you got there, mister.
Oh, hello, Mr. Dowd.
Say, aren't you the fellow that fell off my fence a couple of days ago?
That's right.
Hey, your horse seems to like Betsy.
I'll sell her to you real cheap.
Of course, she ain't nothing but a broken-down old plug.
Ah!
What's wrong with him?
You insulted his mother.
His mother?
Yeah. He recognized her from a snapshot we took.
Who recognized her?
Her son. My horse, Ed.
Well, uh, excuse me.
I... I got some butter to churn.
Calling Mom an old plug.
I should have kicked him in his rutabaga.
Yeah, please. Mr. Dowd didn't mean it.
Hello, Betsy. You've got a wonderful son.
No use, Wilbur. She doesn't understand.
You mean she doesn't talk like you?
Nope. I'm the only black sheep in the family.
Then how do you communicate with her?
Horse talk.
You know, we were here before people.
Tell her I like her.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Okay.
Buy my mother and let's go home.
Gee, I don't know, Ed.
I'm gonna have to ask Carol first.
But I don't want my mother pulling a plow.
I know how you feel, Ed.
Well, tell your mother I'll do my best.
Carol?
Yes?
Come here, dear.
Oh, I've missed you.
We've been together all evening.
No, we haven't. You've been in that kitchen for five minutes.
Oh, Wilbur.
You know when I miss you most?
When I'm on my horse.
What?
Yeah. You know, some days when I'm riding along on Mr. Ed,
I just wish you were right there with me.
Wouldn't it be a little crowded in the saddle?
Carol, I've been thinking about buying you a horse.
Two horses?
Well, isn't that a little extravagant?
I mean, the upkeep and...
Oh, what's money when you're riding alongside the woman you love?
Wilbur, you know I don't ride very well.
Yeah, I know.
And that's why I was looking around and I found a real gentle horse.
You'll love her.
Oh, where did you find this horse?
Well, you remember that picture you took when I fell off the fence?
Mm-hmm.
No!
You mean you want me to ride that...
that decrepit old plow horse?
Please. You're talking about somebody's mother.
I get it, Wilbur. We just don't need two horses.
I'll make a deal with you.
You ride Ed and I'll ride the plow horse.
That's absurd.
I'll finish the dishes and we'll go to a movie, huh?
Don't worry, Mama.
You're not gonna pull that plow much longer.
I know I was a kooky kid, but I've sold my wild oats.
I'm gonna take care of you in your old age.
Old age.
Hi, Ed.
Hi, Wilbur.
When do we pick up Mother?
I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Carol just doesn't want another horse.
Oh.
Look, I'm not giving up.
She wants to go to a movie tonight, so I'll pick a real sentimental one.
Maybe this will soften her up.
Chin up, Mom.
Your little Edward ain't letting you down.
I isn't.
Mother, you are growing old.
Silver thread among the gold.
Oh, come in, neighbors.
Hi, kids. Too late for a cup of coffee?
No, come on in.
Oh, good. How was the picture, darlings?
Great. Just great.
All about a son's love for his mother.
We're not getting another horse.
Is that the name of the picture?
Wilbur wants to buy that plow horse we saw at the farm the other day.
Oh, that's the place we're going to this Sunday.
Kay, dear, I told you we are not going to that auction.
She's a real sweet horse.
But all I want to do is pick up a few things for the backyard.
It was our front yard before she started adding things.
She's the gentlest thing you've ever seen.
You wouldn't think so if you lived with her.
I'm talking about the horse.
We're not getting any horse.
Did my husband call me a horse?
I'm talking about Ed's mother.
Ed's mother?
He had one, you know.
Well, most of us do.
Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?
My husband wants to buy another horse.
This is not just another horse. This is Ed's mother.
Really?
How do you know?
He says that Mr. Ed recognized his mother from the picture I took.
Pardon me, I've got to bed down my horse.
Does he really want to buy that old plow horse?
Well, you know how Wilbur loves animals.
If it were up to him, we'd be living in a zoo.
Ed's Mother
Well?
I'm sorry, Ed. Carol said no again.
Did you tell her it's my mother?
Yeah, she just doesn't believe me.
Does she want to see my birth certificate?
Yes, Ed. It's hopeless.
Uh, Wilbur.
Yeah?
Would you let your mother pull a plow?
Big deal.
Where's the phone directory?
I'll call Dad myself.
Hello, Ed.
Hello.
Don't worry, Mom.
What is your mother doing here?
What mother?
Tell me, what? How did she get in here?
You bought her.
Me? What are you talking about?
Okay, so I bought her.
What did you do?
I called up Dowd and I told him I was your business manager.
You didn't?
Just send him a check for $50.
Oh, I gotta keep Carol out of here.
Carol's coming. If she sees your mother, she'll kick us both out.
Don't let her come in here.
How? How am I going to keep her out?
Fiddle buster.
Honey, I brought you some lunch.
Sandwich, some milk and some cookies.
Thank you. I'll eat it out here.
In this wind?
What wind?
Oh, Wilbur.
I like to eat outdoors. It's invigorating.
Oh, honey, I don't have time. I have a roasting oven.
You shouldn't have done this, Ed.
Carol's going to think I did it behind her back.
Look at her, Wilbur. Isn't she beautiful?
I better find a place to hide her while I try to get Carol to accept her.
Mm-hmm.
Addison's garage.
Bless you, Wilbur.
Fine lad.
I'm going to get you.
The line's busy.
Ed, I better take your mother right over there.
Mr. Dowd, what time are you starting your auction tomorrow?
11 o'clock? Fine. We'll be there. And I...
The voice you have just heard has been disconnected.
You shouldn't have done that.
Woman, have a heart. We've got a whole garage full of junk.
It's not junk.
We have enough grandfather clocks to start an old folks' home.
Oh, really, Roger. Stop exaggerating. I'm going to use everything I bought.
Kay, dear heart, light of my life,
what do you intend to do with the spinning wheel you bought three years ago?
Well, I... I may make a platter out of it.
You'd make a platter out of anything, wouldn't you?
Addison, please, doll. Let's go Sunday.
I promise you I won't buy. I'll just look.
Well, if you must look, come and have a look at the pawn shop
we laughingly call our garage.
Oh, really, Roger. What are you trying to prove?
I know what I bought.
I just want you to see why I have to park my car in the driveway every night.
Addison, I know what's in this garage,
and it's all stuff that we can use someday.
What kind of a platter is that going to make?
How did that get here?
Why, it's that old plow horse that Wilbur wanted to buy.
Wilbur, where do you think I ought to take her on Mother's Day?
Dad, we're going to have a lot of trouble with Carol.
You should never have phoned Mr. Dowd.
There comes a time when a horse has to take matters into his own hooves.
Well, I'd better phone Roger again and tell him I've got your mother in his garage.
Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo.
Anything else I can get you, dear?
No, thank you, honey.
Are you still angry with me, darling? I mean, about the other horse?
No, no, I see your side of it, dear.
I just hope you'll change your mind.
I don't want to see you obstinate.
That's my girl.
I mean, just promise me you'll keep an open mind. Sleep on it, huh?
All right, Wilbur. I'd better get back to my roast.
Let me carry that for you.
Honey, if you change your mind about that other horse, I think I can get you a quick delivery.
Wilbur.
I, uh, believe this belongs to your herd.
Roger, where'd you get the horse?
Do you like horses? Carol?
Wilbur, there must be an explanation for this.
Yeah? Well, let's hear it.
Wilbur, how could you?
You'll excuse me if I miss this preliminary bout.
I'm fighting in the main event next door.
Keep an open mind. Quick delivery.
That horse goes to the barn.
Keep an open mind. Quick delivery. That horse goes back this instant.
Carol.
Wilbur, right now.
Carol, please.
Right now, Wilbur. Take that horse back right now.
Oh!
Ed, I'm sorry. I tried.
Can I say goodbye to Mama?
Oh, my God.
Hmm. Hmm.
Cheer up, Ed.
Hmm.
Mother, you are growing old.
Silver threads among the gold. Hmm.
Breakfast in a few minutes.
Is he still angry about returning that other horse?
I guess so.
Husbands can be so stubborn.
Do you know that Addison actually believes that I'm not going to that auction today?
And you're not.
Yes, I am.
Good morning, Wilbur. No, you're not.
Good morning, Wilbur. Yes, I am.
Good morning. What's going on around here?
Oh, they're just discussing going to the auction today.
And we decided against it.
Carol would like to go.
Only if it's all right with you, dear.
Oh, yeah. Well, no.
No, I thought we'd just relax around the house today.
Wilbur, you're a man after my own heart.
Well, I'll be right back. I've got to feed Ed.
Hurry, dear. Breakfast will be ready in just a few minutes.
Morning, Ed. How's...
Ed?
Went home to mother.
He must have just left.
The crown is still wet.
Addison, please.
I promise you that we'll only stay at the auction for an hour.
Half hour?
Breakfast is ready.
Fifteen minutes?
We'll just drive by?
My dear, you are not buying any wagon wheels today.
Wilbur and I have decided against it.
Why do you men always stick together?
Because every day of a married man's life is Custer's last stand.
Well, let's finish up breakfast and get down to that auction.
I have just been scalped.
All right, folks, the auction will start in a few minutes.
The auction will start in a few minutes now.
Pardon me, sir.
Yes, sir, what can I... Oh, it's you.
Now, look, Mr. Post, that wasn't fair.
Buying my horse on the telephone and then sending her back.
Anything you buy today is strictly cash on the barrel head.
I'm sorry. Have you seen my horse around here?
What makes you think he'd be around here?
Well, he left a note saying he was going back to mother.
Well, uh, I...
I guess I'd better start the auction.
Wilbur, have you seen Kay? I've been looking all over for her.
No.
I've got to find her before the bidding starts or I'll walk home in a barrel.
All right, folks. All right, gather around.
Now, we got some right powerful bargains for you lucky people.
Now, the first item is this sturdy plow horse.
Got a lot of hard working years left in her yet.
Now, who'll start the bidding?
$10.
$15.
$20.
All right, I hear $20. Do I hear $25?
$25.
$30.
$35.
$35. I have $35. Do I hear $40?
Ed, what are you doing?
Buying my mother. Do you mind?
$40 anyone? $40, $40, $40 anyone?
Thank you.
But you know we can't take her home.
$45.
$45. I have $45. Do I hear $50?
Ed, you don't have any money. How are you going to pay?
This is my mother.
I'll beg, I'll work, I'll steal, I'll do anything.
$50, $50, do I hear $50?
$50.
Thank you. I have $50, $50, $50. Do I hear $55?
Wilbur, what's Miss Ed doing here?
Do I hear $55?
All right. $50 once, $50 twice, $50...
$55.
Sold to that man for $55.
Wilbur, why did you buy that horse?
Honey, because that is Mr. Ed's mother, believe me.
I bought her and I'm going to give her to some nice family,
maybe with a couple of kids who can love her
and make her last year's happy ones.
All right, honey.
I don't mind if you're an animal lover,
as long as you keep on being a wife lover.
I better go find Kay.
Wilbur, if you were a girl, I'd kiss you.
I think I will anyway.
All right, folks. Who'll give me $15?
Believe me, it's a steal.
$15.
$17.
$20.
$22.
$22, $22, I've got $22. Do I hear $23?
Why don't you go up to $50?
$50 sold to that gentleman with a mustache for $50.
Oh, thank you, doll. You bought me my wagon wheel.
I just bought a $50 wagon wheel.
Congratulations. It should make a beautiful planter.
I was on a steady course, talked to Mr. Ed
People yakety yak the streak and waste your time a day
But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say
A horse is a horse, of course, of course
And this one will talk to his voice, his horse
You never heard of a talking horse?
Well, listen to this
I am Mr. Ed