commit 4c3ff71be21f08cfefbe8e6b765ebbd579b1745a Author: arul Date: Wed Sep 17 02:47:57 2025 +0530 tv channel simulation bash script diff --git a/animes/animes.sh b/animes/animes.sh new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b5d27ac --- /dev/null +++ b/animes/animes.sh @@ -0,0 +1,160 @@ +#!/bin/bash + +CHANNEL_DIR="$(dirname "$0")" +STATE_FILE="$CHANNEL_DIR/state.txt" +LOGO_ASS="$CHANNEL_DIR/logo.ass" +ADS_DIR="$CHANNEL_DIR/ads" +SCHEDULE_FILE="$CHANNEL_DIR/schedule.txt" # Format: 10:00 PM-11:00 PM:'Attack On Titan' + +# --- Create text-based logo ASS if not exists --- +if [ ! -f "$LOGO_ASS" ]; then + cat > "$LOGO_ASS" <= TEMP_START || CURRENT_MIN < TEMP_END )) && IN_SCHEDULE=1 + else + (( CURRENT_MIN >= TEMP_START && CURRENT_MIN < TEMP_END )) && IN_SCHEDULE=1 + fi + + if (( IN_SCHEDULE )); then + ACTIVE_FOLDER="$CHANNEL_DIR/$FOLDER_NAME" + TODAY=$(date +%Y-%m-%d) + SCHEDULE_START_TS=$(date -d "$TODAY $SH24:$SM" +%s) + if (( TEMP_END <= TEMP_START && CURRENT_MIN < TEMP_END )); then + SCHEDULE_START_TS=$(( SCHEDULE_START_TS - 24*3600 )) + fi + break + fi + fi + done < "$SCHEDULE_FILE" +fi + +if [ -z "$ACTIVE_FOLDER" ]; then + echo "No anime scheduled at this time." + exit 0 +fi + +echo "Now playing: $ACTIVE_FOLDER" + +# --- Find all videos in order --- +VIDEOS=() +while IFS= read -r -d $'\0' file; do + VIDEOS+=("$file") +done < <(find "$ACTIVE_FOLDER" -maxdepth 1 -type f \( -iname "*.mp4" -o -iname "*.mkv" -o -iname "*.avi" \) -print0 | sort -z -V) + +# --- Pick a random ad --- +AD_PATH="" +if [ -d "$ADS_DIR" ] && [ $(ls -1 "$ADS_DIR" | wc -l) -gt 0 ]; then + AD_FILE=$(ls "$ADS_DIR" | shuf -n1) + AD_PATH="$ADS_DIR/$AD_FILE" +fi + +# --- Determine elapsed time --- +SCHEDULE_ELAPSED=$(( CURRENT_TS - SCHEDULE_START_TS )) +if [ -f "$STATE_FILE" ] && [ -s "$STATE_FILE" ]; then + STATE_ELAPSED=$(cat "$STATE_FILE") +else + STATE_ELAPSED=0 +fi + +# Use the larger of schedule elapsed or saved state +ELAPSED=$(( SCHEDULE_ELAPSED > STATE_ELAPSED ? SCHEDULE_ELAPSED : STATE_ELAPSED )) + +# --- Determine which video and seek position --- +CURRENT_FILE="" +SEEK=0 +for VIDEO in "${VIDEOS[@]}"; do + DURATION=$(ffprobe -v error -show_entries format=duration \ + -of default=noprint_wrappers=1:nokey=1 "$VIDEO") + DURATION=${DURATION%.*} + + if (( ELAPSED >= DURATION )); then + ELAPSED=$(( ELAPSED - DURATION )) + else + CURRENT_FILE="$VIDEO" + SEEK=$ELAPSED + break + fi +done + +[ -z "$CURRENT_FILE" ] && { CURRENT_FILE="${VIDEOS[0]}"; SEEK=0; } + +# --- Build playlist --- +PLAYLIST=("$CURRENT_FILE") +FOUND=0 +for VIDEO in "${VIDEOS[@]}"; do + if [ "$VIDEO" == "$CURRENT_FILE" ]; then + FOUND=1 + continue + fi + [ "$FOUND" -eq 1 ] && PLAYLIST+=("$VIDEO") +done +[ -n "$AD_PATH" ] && PLAYLIST+=("$AD_PATH") + +# --- MPV options --- +WATCH_DIR="$CHANNEL_DIR/watch_later" +mkdir -p "$WATCH_DIR" + +MPV_COMMON="--fullscreen --loop-playlist=inf \ +--no-input-default-bindings --no-osd-bar --osd-level=0 \ +--force-window=no --sub-files=$LOGO_ASS \ +--no-resume-playback --watch-later-directory=$WATCH_DIR" + +# --- Start MPV --- +if (( SEEK > 0 )); then + mpv $MPV_COMMON --start="$SEEK" "${PLAYLIST[@]}" +else + mpv $MPV_COMMON "${PLAYLIST[@]}" +fi + +# --- Update state.txt --- +ELAPSED=$(( SEEK + $(date +%s) - CURRENT_TS )) +echo $ELAPSED > "$STATE_FILE" +echo "Channel position updated. Next run will resume correctly." diff --git a/animes/logo.ass b/animes/logo.ass new file mode 100644 index 0000000..33b4377 --- /dev/null +++ b/animes/logo.ass @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +[Script Info] +ScriptType: v4.00+ +PlayResX: 1920 +PlayResY: 1080 +[V4+ Styles] +Format: Name, Fontname, Fontsize, PrimaryColour, SecondaryColour, OutlineColour, BackColour, Bold, Italic, Underline, StrikeOut, ScaleX, ScaleY, Spacing, Angle, BorderStyle, Outline, Shadow, Alignment, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Encoding +Style: Default,Arial,48,&H00FFFFFF,&H000000FF,&H00000000,&H64000000,1,0,0,0,100,100,0,0,1,3,3,3,2,2,50,1 +[Events] +Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text +# Text logo at bottom-right, with proper margin +Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.00,99:59:59.00,Default,,0,0,50,,Shadow TV diff --git a/animes/schedule.txt b/animes/schedule.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..441034a --- /dev/null +++ b/animes/schedule.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +10:00 PM-11:00 PM:'Attack On Titan' +11:15 PM-12:15 AM:'My wife has no emotions' diff --git a/animes/state.txt b/animes/state.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..69a893a --- /dev/null +++ b/animes/state.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +66 diff --git a/movies/K-19 The Widowmaker (2002) [1080p] [BluRay] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YTSYifyUP... (TOR).txt b/movies/K-19 The Widowmaker (2002) [1080p] [BluRay] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YTSYifyUP... (TOR).txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4b6a23f --- /dev/null +++ b/movies/K-19 The Widowmaker (2002) [1080p] [BluRay] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YTSYifyUP... (TOR).txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +YTS / YIFY Torrents Site +------------------------- + +--> Visit us at https://YTS.MX + +- If you have trouble accessing the domain above, +please always check: + + --> ytsyifyupcmxftncrnqd4bmwxvhlibhdat74w6xnmn33njxts4eeaiqd.onion + (accessible only using TOR Browser) + --> https://YTSProxies.com + --> https://YIFYStatus.com + + for the updated list of official proxies and + domains of YTS / YIFY site. + + +Current official domains: YTS.MX, YTS.LT, YTS.AM, YTS.AG \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/movies/Nadia (1984) [1080p] [WEBRip] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt b/movies/Nadia (1984) [1080p] [WEBRip] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..28476d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/movies/Nadia (1984) [1080p] [WEBRip] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +YTS / YIFY Torrents Site +------------------------- + +--> Visit us at https://YTS.MX + +- If you have trouble accessing the domain above, +please always check: + + --> https://YTSProxies.com + --> https://YIFYStatus.com + + for the updated list of official proxies and + domains of YTS / YIFY site. + + +Current official domains: YTS.MX, YTS.LT, YTS.AM, YTS.AG \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/movies/Tall Girl 2 (2022) [1080p] [WEBRip] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt b/movies/Tall Girl 2 (2022) [1080p] [WEBRip] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..28476d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/movies/Tall Girl 2 (2022) [1080p] [WEBRip] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +YTS / YIFY Torrents Site +------------------------- + +--> Visit us at https://YTS.MX + +- If you have trouble accessing the domain above, +please always check: + + --> https://YTSProxies.com + --> https://YIFYStatus.com + + for the updated list of official proxies and + domains of YTS / YIFY site. + + +Current official domains: YTS.MX, YTS.LT, YTS.AM, YTS.AG \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/movies/The Ice Road (2021) [1080p] [BluRay] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt b/movies/The Ice Road (2021) [1080p] [BluRay] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..28476d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/movies/The Ice Road (2021) [1080p] [BluRay] [5.1] [YTS.MX]/YIFYStatus.com.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +YTS / YIFY Torrents Site +------------------------- + +--> Visit us at https://YTS.MX + +- If you have trouble accessing the domain above, +please always check: + + --> https://YTSProxies.com + --> https://YIFYStatus.com + + for the updated list of official proxies and + domains of YTS / YIFY site. + + +Current official domains: YTS.MX, YTS.LT, YTS.AM, YTS.AG \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/AhaShare.com.txt b/movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/AhaShare.com.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..72da0d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/AhaShare.com.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Share the fun!!! +Torrent downloaded from AhaShare.com + diff --git a/movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/Torrent Downloaded From ExtraTorrent.com.txt b/movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/Torrent Downloaded From ExtraTorrent.com.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fd03ae5 --- /dev/null +++ b/movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/Torrent Downloaded From ExtraTorrent.com.txt @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +Torrent Downloaded From ExtraTorrent.com + + + + + +- The biggest torrent community + + + +- No fake torrents, All torrents checked by our Moderators + + + +- The latest torrent releases + + + +- The most helpful members and site admins + + + +- Be updated with the latest news in the p2p world with ExtraTorrent + + + +- The best forum community in the p2p world + diff --git a/movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/Torrent downloaded from Demonoid.com - Copy.txt b/movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/Torrent downloaded from Demonoid.com - Copy.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a6a89bb --- /dev/null +++ b/movies/V for Vendetta (2006) [1080p]/Other/Torrent downloaded from Demonoid.com - Copy.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Torrent downloaded from http://www.Demonoid.com \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E01 The First Meeting.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E01 The First Meeting.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1de40cc --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E01 The First Meeting.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,506 @@ +Well, hello, Mrs. Post. +Hi, Mr. Reeves. +Mr. Post. +Oh, darling, isn't it beautiful? +Isn't that great? +And it's all ours. +Yes, yours and mine and a man from the bank. +Oh, Mr. Post, I know you went a little higher than you figured. +I couldn't help it. +As soon as I saw this place, I fell in love with it. +Well, you're an architect. +You know good, solid construction when you see it. +I certainly do. +Don't I, dear? +Thank you, honey. +Mr. Addison, your next-door neighbor who used to own it, has always kept it in fine shape. +I'm sure he has. Thanks very much, Mr. Reeves, for everything. +Well, thank you. I know you two are going to be very happy here. +Thank you. Goodbye. +Goodbye. +Well, shall we go in? +Wilbur, it's our first house. +Aren't you going to carry me over the threshold? +Oh, yes, sure. +Good, solid construction. +Oh, I've got to get the key. +Wilbur, don't put me down. It's bad luck. +Oh. +You better get the key, then. It's in one of my pockets. +Down there. +Wait a minute. I forgot to get it for Mr. Reeves. +Mr. Reeves! +How do you do? +I'm Roger Addison. I live next door. +Oh, I'm just carrying my wife across the threshold. +Well, aren't you going in the wrong direction? +Yes, I am. +Oh, Mr. Reeves! +Would you mind? I won't be long. +Mr. Reeves! +How do you do? I'm Carol Post. +How do you do? +Well, now that we've met, perhaps I'd better put you down. +Oh, no, no, no. You see, it's bad luck. +I got it, honey. +Oh, this way, Mr. Addison. +There we are. +Oh, here. +Oh, how do you do? I'm Wilbur Post. +How do you do? +Won't you come on in? +Not right now. I have the feeling that I might be intruding. +Come on, honey. Let's go look at the rest of our estate. +All 200 feet of it? +Isn't this wonderful? I've never lived in the country before. +Oh, you'll love it. +I lived in a place like this when I was a kid. +Ah-ha! Now there's something you learn on a farm. +A rake lying on the ground. That is dangerous. +Oh, well, sure, if you stepped on it and you bare feet... +No, no, no, no, no. Not bare feet. Not just that. +Well, if you were to step on that, I could come right up and smack you in the face. +Oh, you mean it's dangerous just to do this? +That is dangerous. +Come on, honey. Come on. +I'm sorry. +Well, that's what I was telling you about, honey. +This could be converted into an office for me. +I figured I'd put Skylight up there. +And right next to my drafting table, we could build cabinets. +Carol, look. +A horse. But he wasn't here when we first looked at the place. +Well, maybe he was outside. +How about that? A horse. +Oh, let's get out of here. Get him out of here and do something. +Well, you two certainly are the most affectionate couple I've ever seen. +He tried to bite me. +I suppose that's all right. You're married. +She means the horse. +Him? He doesn't bite. He's just a mangy old nag. +As a matter of fact, that's what I came to tell you about. +You see, the people who rented this house before you bought it owned this horse. +Well, they had to leave in a hurry, and they said you can keep him, you can sell him, +do anything you want with him. +We'll keep him. +Wilbur, of course not. We'll sell him. +No, we'll keep him. +Sell him. +Keep him. +Sell him. +Keep him. +Sell him. +I'm glad to hear you two arguing. +For a moment I was wondering if you were a normal married couple. +Wilbur, come here, honey. +We've gone to a lot of expense to buy this house, and we just can't afford to feed the animal. +Well, okay, I guess you're... +Oh, you see, I'm right. I'll find a horse dealer in the phone book. +Look, I'm sorry, old fellow. I wanted to keep you, but... +Hey, I'm sorry. +I wanted to keep you, but... Hey, do you have any water? +You know, I should never have started cleaning you up. +The better you get to look, the more I want to keep you. +That's that. Let's get started with the feet now, huh? +It's just hot in here. +Should open a window. +Mr. Parker, this is my husband, Mr. Parker. +He's a good man. +He's a good man. +He's a good man. +He's a good man. +Mr. Parker, this is my husband, Wilbur, and that's the horse. +Why didn't you let him guess? +I didn't, Mr. Post. +I think I can take him off your hands for $50. +Honey, you're making a big mistake. This is a very intelligent horse. +We've been all through that, dear. We'll take the $50. +All right. +There you are. Give it to her. +There you are, ma'am. $50. And I think we both made a good deal. +This horse looks to be in pretty good shape. +Goodness, this horse is lame. +Lame? +Lame, huh? +A horse wouldn't be much use to you like that. +A horse that, uh, there's nothing out of place. +Probably just a barn cramp. +Oh, barn cramp, huh? +And of course, if this horse were in real pain, he wouldn't be holding his head so high. +The minute a horse is distressed or off his feet, +first thing you notice, that head goes right down. +Oh, boy, that animal is ailing. +Well, he can't take advantage of the man, honey. Give him his money back. +Oh, honey. +Of course, he can't be, uh, real sick. +If a horse can stand, he's worth $50. +Hmm. +I'll be. +Give me back my $50. +Horse trading is a thieving, conniving, double-crossing business at best. +But this beats all. +Oh, just a minute. +10, 20, 30, 40, 45. +Yeah, it's all here. +Wilbur, what are we going to do now? +Well, honey, if the man doesn't want the horse... +But, honey, how can we take care of him? +Look at him. He's sick. +Maybe the SPCA can help us. I'll go call them. +Hmm. +Harold. Harold. +Can you come over right away? +I'm afraid he's a very sick horse. He's on his back. +Hello. Look, you can forget about it. +The horse is perfectly all right. +Thank you. +Wilbur, what do you mean the horse is all right? +Do you know that horse was only kidding? +Well, he was only pretending to be sick so he could stay with us. +Wilbur, I know you want to keep the horse, but this is ridiculous. +But it's true. +Why do you think I winked back at him? +You winked back at him? +Yeah, well, he winked at me first. +Look, there is nothing wrong with that horse. Look. +All right, Wilbur. All right. You can keep the horse if it means that much to you. +But start making up these fantastic stories. +I love you. +Well, prove it. +Come in. +Aren't you people overdoing this a bit? +She's letting me keep the horse. +Now, what I came over to tell you is this. +That I'm having some neighbors over tomorrow night and I'd like to have you come over and meet them. +Oh, thank you. +We'd be delighted. +If I were you, I'd keep my door closed. +Well, you're going to stay after all. Isn't that great? +Oh, I never thought owning a horse could mean so much to me. +I guess it's because when I was a little boy, I wanted a pony. +Of course, I'm not going to be a pony. +Of course, it's been a long time since I was a little boy. +It's been a long time since I was a pony. +You like that, huh? +Oh, no. That's impossible. +Did you say that? +No. How could you? +Did you say it? +No, I didn't hear it. +How could I? +But I did. +But I did. +Oh, this is impossible. I don't believe it. +Now, while I'm looking right at you, say something. +Like what? +Anything. Anything. +Cow, now. Brown cow. +Cow, cow, cow, cow. +What is it, honey? +Cow, the horse. +Down here, dear. +Cow, the horse. +Horse. +Better sit down, dear. +The horse. +Uh-huh. +He talks. +Grover, I told you you can keep the horse. +Now, I'm going to keep the horse. +I'm going to keep the horse. +I'm going to keep the horse. +I'm going to keep the horse. +Grover, I told you you can keep the horse. +Now, I... +Look, look, I know it sounds fantastic, unbelievable, but it's true. +The horse talks. +I didn't believe it myself at first, +and then I made him say something while I was looking right at him. +What did he say? +How now, brown cow. +The rake. The bump in the head. +Yeah, the rake. +The rake, that's what it was. +How do you feel? +Fine. +Carol. +Carol. +Carol. +Sit down. +Carol, that horse talks. +You've got to go to bed, and I'm going to call the doctor, +and everything will be all right, honey. +Come on with me. +You're going to hear it straight from the horse's mouth. +Wilbur. +Wilbur. +Wilbur. +Wilbur, I'm worried about you. +I'll prove it to you. +You'll see. +All right, say something. +Well, don't just stand there. +Say something. +I know why you won't talk. +You've turned your back on him. +That horse is sensitive. +Carol, will you please turn around? +This whole thing is ridiculous. +Will you please turn around? +All right. +I told you he was sensitive. +I wouldn't believe that horse could talk +if the two of you stood there and sang a duet. +Carol. +Why didn't you talk to my wife? +I hate skeptics. +You make me look like such a fool. +You've got to talk to my wife. +Why did you talk to me? +Because I like you. +This whole thing is fantastic. +I just don't understand it. +Don't try to. +It's bigger than both of us. +I'm going to kill you. +Hello, Mr. Addison. +Oh, hello, Post. +I didn't recognize you without your wife in your arms. +Come in. +Mr. Addison, I'd like to ask you something. +Why, certainly, Post, certainly. +Anything at all. +Oh, a cigar? +No, I haven't got one with me. +No, no, no, Post. +I'm offering you a cigar. +Oh, thank you. +You know, I'm sorry my wife won't be back from New York +in time for the party tomorrow night. +I did want you and your wife to meet her. +Oh, fine. +We'll enjoy seeing her. +Post, I know we're both in the same room, +but I don't think we're in the same world. +Is there something on your mind? +Yes, Mr. Addison, there is. +Well, sit down and tell me about it. +Thank you. +Ah, Mr. Addison, +the man who lived in the house before we did, +um, he rented from you. +Mr. Oldfield. +Yeah. +Did you know him very well? +Oh, yes, indeed. We were very close friends. +Did you ever exchange confidences with him? +Yeah, quite often. +Did he ever tell you about his horse? +No, what about his horse? +Did he ever tell you his horse talked? +Oh, no, Oldfield said a lot of funny things. +Would you repeat that, please? +He didn't say anything about his horse talking. +No. +Did the horse ever say anything? +No. +No. +Did the horse ever talk to you? +He's been talking to me all afternoon. +I just realized, Mr. Addison, +I'm a little tired. +I think perhaps a little rest would do me good. +It might not be a bad idea for you to get some rest, too. +I played 18 holes of golf today, +and that's a little too much for me. +Normally, I only play nine. +I'm a little fatigued. +Mr. Addison, the reason I came over here +is I need your help. +You see, I've got a problem with my wife. +I can't convince her that the horse talks. +I would say that your wife had the problem. +I'm so frustrated. +Is it my neighbor, my wife, my own wife? +I tell them I got a horse that talks, +and they don't believe me. +Why should they? +It's ridiculous. +But you do talk. +Only to you. +Why only to me? +Because you're the only one I ever liked well enough +to talk to a girl. +I'm not talking about you. +I'm talking about my wife. +You're the only one I ever liked well enough +to talk to a girl. +Oh, thanks. +Ed. +Ed? +What kind of a name is Ed for a horse? +What kind of a name is Wilbur for a man? +Now, stop gabbing and get me some oats. +I'm starved. +Oh, that's right. +You do need some oats, yeah. +Oh, um, where shall I get them? +Go to Duffy's Feed and Grain store. +Wilbur. +Yes? +They give green stamps. +Oh, honey, let me give you a hand with that. +It's all right. +There we are. +Well, honey, what's wrong? +I had an awful time at the market today. +What happened? +Everybody was talking about the new couple that moved in, +the Posts. +They said that the husband thinks he has a horse that talks. +What did you say? +I said my name was Mrs. Jones. +Oh, honey. +Oh, look, dear, don't worry about it. +These things have a way of clearing themselves up. +I don't know. +Hello, Post. +This is Mr. Addison. +I'm sorry, but the party for tonight is canceled. +Goodbye. +That was Mr. Addison. +The party's been called off. +I knew it. +I just knew it. +Look, Carol. +Carol. +Don't call me Carol. +My name is Mrs. Jones. +I've got to prove it. +This horse took the tape recorder. +That'll do it. +Hi, Wilbur. +Hiya. +What you doing? +Oh, just thought I'd drop in, say hello. +That's nice. +You know, I'm very flattered that I'm the only human being +that you picked on to talk to, old horse. +I'm a little spoiled. +Can I get you some oats or anything, old horse? +Nope, I'm fine. +Can I open the window for you, Mr. Ed? +Nope, leave it closed. +Well, good night, horse. +Good night. +Hey, Wilbur. +What? +Nice gadget you got there. +Oh, yes, yes, it is. +Tape recorder, huh? +Oh, well, yeah, you might call it that, I guess. +Goodbye. +Hey, Wilbur. +What? +How you gonna convince anyone the other voice on that tape is a horse? +Huh? +Oh, oh, this is great. +All because you had to pick on me to talk to. +Millions of people in the whole world, you could... +And you got to pick on me. +Now, everybody thinks I flipped my lid, Carol's heart broken. +All because you pick on me to talk to. +Wilbur, I can get you out of this. +Out? +Phone that real estate man, Reeves. +Reeves? +You tell him what I'm going to tell you. +If I know Reeves, he'll run right to Addison. +Well, then what? +Then your troubles will be over. +Now, listen, Wilbur. +What do you mean Post doesn't want the house? +He bought it, didn't he? +Sure, but he wants to make you give him back the money without asking for it. +That's ridiculous. The man's out of his mind. +That's exactly what he wants you to believe. +That's why he told me the horse talks. +Right. Don't you understand? +That's the oldest trick in the real estate game. +He wants to make us think he's got a screw loose up here. +That way you'll try to get him out of the neighborhood. +I see. Well, he'll never get away with it. +Mr. Addison, you tried to settle this house for a long time. +There were no takers at your price. +You leave it to me, Reeves. +I know how to handle Post. +Carol, will you come downstairs? +No. +Honey, I'll make your lunch. +I'm not hungry. +Honey, there's nothing to worry about. +Mr. Addison just told me how to straighten out this whole mess. +Oh. +Maybe you'd better stay upstairs. +Oh, hello, Mr. Addison. +Hello, Wilbur. +I want you to come on in. Sit down. +Thank you. Thank you very much. +What a pleasant surprise. +My horse just told me a very funny story. +Funniest one I've heard in years. +I'm still laughing about it. +Let me hear it. +Well, these two fellows are at a bar, you see. +And one of them says, give me four martinis. +I know that joke. +You do? +Yeah, my dog told it to me. +Your dog? +Well, your horse told it to my cat, +my cat told it to my dog, +and my dog told it to me. +I like the way things get around. +Wilbur. +Huh? +If I cut $2,000 off the price of the house, +will that make you stay? +Two? +Is it a deal? +It's a deal. +Now, Wilbur, does your horse talk? +No. +Does your dog talk? +No. +Your cat? +Mm-mm. +You know, for a minute, I was a little worried about you. +We're not worried about you. +Oh, and by the way, the party is not canceled. +I'm expecting you and your wife. +Oh, just a minute. +Carol? Carol? +I don't want any lunch. +Honey, Mr. Addison's here. +He's inviting us to the party tonight. +Really? +Wonderful! +Look, not only that, he likes us so much, +he's knocked $2,000 off the price of the house. +Thank you, Mr. Addison. +Oh, Wilbur. +Honey. +Dad. +Dad, you asleep? +Not anymore. +Well, everything worked out fine. +We went to the party, the ladies invited Carol out to lunch. +Wilbur. +Yeah? +Good night. +Well, I haven't finished telling you about Carol. +Good night, Wilbur. +Good night. +People. +Talk, talk, talk. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E02 The Ventriloquist.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E02 The Ventriloquist.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..86b7ee6 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E02 The Ventriloquist.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,550 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +Honey, I'll be out in my office. +I promised Mr. Harrison he could look at the sketches tonight. +All right, dear. +Wilbur? +Yeah? +Don't be gone too long, darling, there's a chill in the air. +New perfume, huh? +Mm-hmm, like it? +If you weren't my wife, I'd kiss you. +Wilbur? +What did you buy and how much did it cost? +I'd better not tell you. +You say it's too expensive. +You're right, it's too expensive. +But Wilbur, it's something I really need. +What is it? +Well, it's, uh... +It's, uh... +No, if I told you, I'm sure you'd turn me down. +Maybe I wouldn't. +I'm sure you would. +Well, ask me. +First, promise me you'll say yes. +Oh, no. +That's how you got me to marry you. +Look, let's not play games. +What is it you want? +Well, it's... +It's a, uh... +Oh, no. +I just couldn't stand it if you turned me down. +Wilbur? +It's for you. +Thank you. +Yeah? +I just figured out how we can pay it off in 12 installments. +Pay what off? +Uh... +Oh, you just say no. +Oh, boy. +Women. +You think we'll ever understand them? +Don't try. +Just enjoy them. +Oh, if only I knew what my wife wanted. +And you, if you were more cooperative, I could afford to get her anything. +How's that? +Well, if you would only talk to everybody instead of only to me. +I mean, I could put you on television, clean up a fortune. +Television? +Not me. +I'm a trigger. +He's a very mixed-up horse. +What do you think of these sketches? +Not bad. +I put in plenty of night work on these sketches. +When Addison sees these tomorrow, that country club job is in the bag. +I still say the exterior should be redwood, not stucco. +Besides, he's my next-door neighbor. +How can he possibly turn me down? +Easy. +There's no... +I know I could sell Mr. Addison these plans if only I could be with him when he looked +at them. +Why don't you take him to lunch, hmm? +I don't know him that well. +I mean, I feel funny just inviting him out of the blue, you know what I mean? +Yeah. +You're a chicken. +I don't know, Ed. +Want me to dial? +No, never mind. +Be subtle. +Lead up to that invitation. +I got it. +Yes, dear. +Hello. +Hello, Mr. Addison. +This is your neighbor, Wilbur Post. +Hello, Post. +I was wondering... +Want to go for a walk? +Would you like to go for a walk? +Walk? +I'd look rather conspicuous in my pajamas. +Oh, I'm sorry. +Were you sleeping? +Yes, until the phone rang. +Invite him to lunch. +How about lunch? +No, thank you. +I just had dinner. +I mean, tomorrow at the club. +You'll pay. +You'll pay. +You'll pay. +I mean... +It's on me. +I'll pay for my horse. +I mean, I'll pay. +Mr. Addison, I finished those sketches. +I would like to discuss them with you at lunch. +Very well, Post. +Twelve o'clock sharp. +Good night. +Weird fellow. +Addison doll. +Addison doll. +They're having a flower show at the Civic Auditorium. +Baby doll. +Cupcake. +I know you're awake, little faker. +I am not going to any flower show. +I'm in my pajamas and I'm not starting from this couch. +Flower show. +Hi. +Where's Wilbur? +He's outside going over the plans for the new clubhouse. +Oh, that's nice. +My husband's sleeping. +Yours is out working. +Well, that's what keeps married couples together. +Separateness. +Oh, I just love a second television for our bedroom. +How would you get your husband to buy you one? +Easy. +I'd show him the sail slip. +That's the one thing my husband understands. +You've got to be forceful and aggressive. +But I didn't even have the nerve to ask Wilbur. +You want to know the best time to ask him? +Right after a good meal. +A good meal? +Yes, there's only one thing that works. +Stuff him in the morning and skin him at night. +You're just being serious. +I mean it. +Oh, but my husband isn't easy. +I give him tomato juice, he wants orange juice. +I give him orange juice, he wants tomato juice. +What about pineapple juice? +I give him pineapple juice and he'd want papaya juice. +Find out what he likes and give it to him. +If you want that television set. +Are we having company for breakfast? +No, dear. +What would you like? +Orange juice, pineapple juice, grapefruit juice, prune juice, vegetable juice, papaya +juice or our sauerkraut juice? +I'd like orange juice. +Two minute eggs, three minute eggs, four minute eggs, fried eggs, scrambled eggs, coddled +eggs, poached eggs, I'll set his side up. +No eggs, Benedict? +I didn't have room on the tray. +What did you buy and how much did it cost? +Bacon, ham, mixed sausage, breakfast steak, liver, I'll... +Chef Malani, sit down. +Now look, what is this you want? +Coffee, hot chocolate... +Just a minute. +I don't know what you want, but whatever it is, we can't afford it because this breakfast +costs more. +Honey, please. +What is it? +A television set. +What is it? +A television set for the bedroom. +Is that... +Is that what... +Is that all? +You know, for a minute you had me worried. +You mean I can have it? +No. +Honey, look, I just spent a fortune on this house and all this furniture and all this +food. +Oh, look, sweetie. +Come on, let's have a little smile. +Look, dear, I'll tell you what. +I'm going to have lunch with Addison this afternoon. +If I can sell him on the clubhouse, I'll get you the set. +Oh, you're the most wonderful husband in the world. +I'll get a big 24-inch model with remote control and we can both watch the late show through +our toes. +Oh, wait a minute, honey. +Addison hasn't seen the sketches yet and he's not an easy man to sell. +Oh, his wife told me how to handle him. +All you have to do is be forceful and aggressive. +Forceful? +Aggressive? +Me? +Honey, if you want to make this sale, you've got to be aggressive. +Be a pusher. +Oh, honey, let's face it. +I'm not a pusher. +I'm more of a nudger. +Oh, honey, you can do it. +I know you can. +Yeah. +Yeah, I can. +I can be very forceful. +I can be aggressive. +Good. +Now, don't forget, Wilbur, push, don't nudge. +Ed. +Whoops. +How many times have I got to tell you not to listen in on the party line? +You ought to be ashamed of yourself. +Who was that on the phone? +Mrs. Ferguson. +I heard her say she's going to have another baby. +You mean she's expecting? +Expecting nothing. +She's sure. +You're out of feed. +How about I get you some oats? +No, please. +I'm starting a diet today. +A diet? +Yeah. +Eat like a horse, look like a horse. +Unless you can find me some low-cal hay. +All right. +Wish me luck with Mr. Addison, will you? +One word of advice, Wilbur. +What? +Be a pusher, not a nudger. +Right. +Where did you hear that? +I also listen in at windows. +Hi Addison, old boy. +How's my favorite pigeon? +Hello, Robbins. +We playing golf again tomorrow? +We'll see. +I sure love separating you from that two bucks today. +You're the world's worst loser. +I am not. +You should see yourself paying off a bet. +Your Adam's apple keeps bobbing up and down. +I know how to lose gracefully. +Oh? +Well, I'll give you another chance to be graceful. +I'll bet you two bucks there's less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl. +Well? +Oh, how obvious can you be? +You've got it all set up. +I'll wager there are less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl. +Okay. +It's a bet. +I'll bet you two bucks there's less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl. +Someday I'm going to beat you. +Oh, don't lose that attitude. +That's going to send my boy through school. +And now may I suggest that you run along? +I'm having luncheon with Wilbur Post. +Wilbur Post? +You're not having lunch with him. +I am. +He's bringing over some sketches for the new clubhouse. +You know him? +Oh, very well. +Grew up with him. +Went to school with him. +He's a little dird. +He doesn't have any get up and go, you know what I mean? +Between my wife at home and you at the club, I get pushed around enough. +It'll be quite refreshing to meet someone who is modest and unassuming. +Addison! +Hey, how's wife put her there, huh? +Hey, Harry, how's Mabel? +What do you say, Sam? +Look, I'll talk to you over at the curtain. +Oh, sorry. +I'll put up my bill. +Give yourself a big tip. +Well, how? +What are you, on the building committee? +Wilbur, why don't you, uh, the whole thing? +I'm not sure I can do it. +I'm not sure I can do it. +I'm not sure I can do it. +I'm not sure I can do it. +Give yourself a big tip. +I'm not sure I can do it. +I'm not sure I can do it. +I'm not sure I can do it. +Cheer up, honey. +Try to forget about this afternoon. +This has taught me a lesson. +I'm never going to try to be anything that I'm not. +I've got to accept that once and for all, I'm a 100% 14-carat nudger. +Wilbur, I am not going to sit here and listen to you tear yourself down. +I went through two years of that with my folks. +Well, I was always under the impression that your folks sort of liked me. +Oh, they did. +I mean, they do. +They will. +They're right. +You should never have married me. +Oh, no, honey. +Forget about Addison and his old clubhouse. +You don't need him. +Why, there are lots of men in this town who appreciate your work. +Yeah, you're right. +You're right. +That Addison. +He gets me so mad. +You know, if he were to walk in here this very minute and get down on his hands and knees +and beg me to do that job, I'd do it. +Oh, honey, it's so good to see you laughing again. +Darling, it's only one job. +I know, but I promised you a TV set. +Oh, forget about the set. +I can wait. +You said you needed it. +There's only one thing I need. +Hello there. +Oh, I envy you two. +You know, Addison and I used to kiss all the time. +Then we got married. +Oh, well. +Did your husband tell you what happened today at lunch? +Um, not too much. +He talked mostly about our house. +Your house? +He wants to sell it. +Oh, now, look, kid, stop worrying. +I've had a little talk with Addison, and he's agreed to look at your sketches. +Wonderful. +I'll take him right over. +Uh, no, you better let me. +He's wearing his best shirt tonight. +Kay, we really appreciate this. +Oh, Kay, you're such a wonderful neighbor. +It means so much to Wilbur, to both of us. +Well, don't get your hopes up. +I'll get Addison to look at these, but I can't guarantee he'll give you the job. +That's good enough for us. +See you later, huh? +Whoop. +You're going to get me in trouble with this eavesdropping habit of yours. +It's wrong to listen to other people's conversations. +They're entitled to their privacy. +Why do you do that? +Compulsion. +Besides, I didn't expect to get caught. +Now, this is the last time I'm going to tell you. +I hope so. +What's so funny? +I heard about your ketchup caper this afternoon. +Where'd you hear about that? +Happened to stroll by Addison's window. +What did he say about me? +Sorry, I don't use that kind of language. +Oh, Mr. Addison. +Good evening, Mrs. Post. +You come in. +Thank you. +I'm so glad to see you. +You're looking well. +Is your husband home? +Yes, I'll go get him. +Oh, Mr. Addison, I'm terribly sorry about what happened this afternoon. +Well, I assure you, Mrs. Post, it is not a memory that I will cherish in my golden years. +Actually, it was all my fault. +You see, I told Wilbur to be aggressive, and I guess he over-diddled it a little. +What? +Over-doodled. +Diddle. +Doodle. +What I mean is that Wilbur isn't like that at all. +He's really quite the opposite. +I'm sure. +Anyway, I've looked over your husband's sketches, and I believe they have possibilities. +Oh, that's wonderful. +He'll be so happy to hear it. +He's in the barn in his workshop. +I'll go get him. +Don't bother. +I'll go and talk to him personally. +Good evening, Mrs. Post. +Oh, Mr. Addison, I'm so happy. +I could just kiss you. +Please, let's not over-doodle it. +I wonder how Mrs. Addison's making out with her husband. +Maybe I should drop over there, you know, ring the bell, and pretend to borrow a cup of sugar. +How corny can you get? +I shouldn't worry about her. +She's got her husband completely buffered. +Buffered? +She's got him stampeded. +He's not such a bad guy. +No, not bad. +Just stuffy. +He's got less personality than a dead mackerel. +He's not such a bad... +Mr. Addison. +The horse. +Please. +What? +Huh? +Mr. Addison, look, I don't want to rush you, +but have you made any decision on the plans for the horse? +I heard... talking? +That wasn't the horse. +I'm a ventriloquist. +A ventriloquist? +That is remarkable. +You didn't even move a muscle. +Mr. Addison, would you believe it if I were to tell you the horse actually talks? +Why, of course not. +I've been a ventriloquist for years. +Fantastic. +Let me see you do that just once more while I'm watching you closely. +I can talk while I drink a glass of water. +Boy, there is more to you than I thought. +I am amazed. +Well, that makes two of us. +Look, Mr. Addison, what are the plans? +Well, we'll discuss this when you drop by my house. +I'd like to have you over there around 9 o'clock. +Fine, fine, I'll be there. +Good. +Ventriloquist. +People will believe anything. +Why don't you acknowledge that I'm a better gin player than you are? +I've beaten you nine straight games. +Yeah, luck, that's all, just plain luck. +It's bound to change sometime. +And oh, it has. +This is the best hand I've had all night. +Hey, wait a minute. +I only have nine cards. +It's a missed deal. +Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you don't. +Take another card. +My play. +Gin. +Look, at 50 cents a game, that's $5 you owe me. +I'll tell you what I'll do. +I'll toss you a coin, double or nothing. +No, no, no, no. +To use your expression, this pigeon has had it. +Besides, I'm expecting Wilbur Post. +Wilbur Post? +What do you see in that dud? +Wilbur Post is a very talented young man. +Well, I suppose he's a fairly good architect. +And a very amusing young man. +Amusing? +Wilbur Post happens to be a very fine ventriloquist. +Wilbur Post? +He's lucky to get words out of his own mouth. +Roberts, how much did you beat me for today? +Well, $4 and this 5 makes 9. +Why? +For once, I would like to come out ahead of you. +Would you care to wager $10 that Wilbur Post is a ventriloquist? +Now I've heard everything. +Okay, if your Adam's apple can stand it. +You've got a bet. +Sure, little pigeon, sure. +Wilbur, my boy, come in. +Ah, lovely evening, isn't it? +Hello, Hal. +Oh, hiya, Wilbur. +Say, Addison thinks an awful lot of you. +Oh, he told you about the plans, huh? +Well, that new clubhouse is going to look beautiful. +Never mind that now, Wilbur. +I was just telling Robbins what a great ventriloquist you are. +I am? +Oh, well, no, I wouldn't say I was great. +Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. +Well, let's see what you can do. +Give us a demonstration. +Come on, Wilbur. Make your voice come out of this Beethoven statue. +Well, no. +Come on, come on here. +Make your voice come out right here. +Come on, come on, huh? +I've never performed in front of the public. +Never mind the false modesty. +I've made a sizable wager with Robbins that you're a ventriloquist. +And I don't intend to lose it. +Well, I... +We're waiting, Post. +And if you expect to do business with me, +we'd better hear a few words from Beethoven. +I used to remember. +I left the shower running. +I'd better call my wife. +Excuse me. +I'm going to get my... +You'll never learn. +Hello, Carol. +Look, I'm in a spot. +Call me right back and tell me I'm needed at home. +Carol is out. +This is your answering service. +You and that ventriloquist bit. +You got me into a real jam. +If I can't make Addison's Beethoven statue talk, +I'm going to lose the contract. +I left the shower on, but fortunately my wife is in it. +Come on, Post. +I've been waiting for years to win just one bet from this man. +Now, come on. +Throw your voice, won't you, please? +Just once. Once, please, huh? +Mr. Addison, I must tell you the truth. +I'm not really a ventriloquist. +But I heard you. +If you've made some kind of bet, I'll gladly pay it. +I saw you throw your voice in the barn. +In the barn, I'm a ventriloquist. +Come on, fork over the ten bucks. +Don't pay him. +This is Beethoven talking. +He did it! Did you hear him? +He did it there! He did it! +I don't believe it. +Do it again. +Yeah, certainly. +Well, uh, won't you, uh... +Won't you say something else for the nice people, Beethoven? +Please, don't be so formal. +Call me Ludwig. +Oh... +Well... +Whoa... +He's lucky I can talk. +Ed, we did it. We did it. +I got the contract, +and tomorrow I'm gonna buy my wife a television set. +And all because of you. You are wonderful. +That's fine. +Now do me a favor, will ya? +Anything. +I'm gonna buy my wife a television set. +And all because of you. You are wonderful. +Now do me a favor, will ya? +Anything. +What? +When you're watching television, +don't turn on any of those old westerns. +Why not? +I hate to see people sitting on my friends. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E03 Busy Wife.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E03 Busy Wife.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..99ea7b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E03 Busy Wife.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,418 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +Well, did you find a good movie, honey? +There's a new Japanese picture at the art cinema, Yakimura Samurai. +Oh, I'm not crazy about those foreign pictures. +When they're finished, I'm always five subtitles behind. +Those subtitles in Brigitte Bardot's pictures don't seem to bother you. +You ever heard of Who Reads? +Oh, mouth to teeth. +To me, you are a combination of Brigitte Bardot, Gina Lollobrigida, and Larry Sherry. +Larry Sherry? +Isn't he a baseball pitcher? +Oui, oui. +But like him, you have the wonderful curve. +Oh, okay. +The last time my husband kissed me was New Year's Eve, 1946. +In the dark, he thought I was a cigarette girl. +Wilbur and I are going to a movie tonight. +How about you and Roger joining us? +Oh, Kat, my civic group is meeting tonight, and I'm heading up a new campaign. +Really? +It sounds exciting. +Sweetie, why don't you join my club? +How about coming along tonight? +Oh, I don't think so. +Oh, you go on, honey. +I think women should take an interest in civic affairs. +Right now, our group is fighting for something important, very important. +Anything that helps the community helps the country. +What are you fighting for? +Benches at every bus stop. +Don't elect a woman president. +At least you'll have a few seats in the house. +Wilbur, are you sure you don't mind? +Not at all. +This will give me a great chance to finish up those Whitaker sketches. +Oh, let's go, huh? +Kat, if I do join, can I be on your committee? +Well, do you like Mabel Benson? +Not really. +Then you're on my committee. +How about you and you'll be late? +These westerns, they all look alike to me. +I thought you didn't like westerns. +I'm waiting for Leonard Bernstein. +Well, you'll have to catch Leonard Bernstein some other time. +I have work to do. +Moe, brow. +Hello, Wilbur. +Oh, hi, Roger. +I can't understand why you don't build an office in the house. +How can you work in a barn near this broken down nag? +I have a feeling that horse doesn't like me. +Oh, by the way, your wife dropped by. +She took Carol to a club meeting. +Club meeting? +I hope you'll have a good photograph of your wife. +Why? +You may not be seeing her for years. +But you let your wife join the women's committee for civic improvement. +What is so terrible about that? +Before Kay joined the WCCI, I had a wife. +Now I find I've married a gypsy. +Oh, she doesn't leave you alone that much? +I have to stick pins in a map to keep track of her. +Wilbur, when you let your wife join that group, you became a husband without portfolio. +A married bachelor. +A man in search of a can opener. +Now, wait a minute, Roger. +Carol would never neglect me for anything. +Mark my words. +The only time you'll see her in the kitchen is when she's passing through on her way to +meet the girls. +Now, you just don't know my wife. +Your wife, my wife, they're all alike. +They get married to escape their parents. +Then they join clubs so they can escape their husbands. +Oh, I'm glad you're in, Roger. +Hey, you left it on your television set. +I must have left it on. +You know, you're all wrong about Carol. +You think Carol is different. +I'd say that by tomorrow, your dear little wife is going to be so involved in her civic +duties that you'll be doing the shopping for her. +Care to make a bet on that? +Any amount you want. +Sky's the limit. +How about a dollar? +You got a bet. +That'll be the day when Carol has me pushing around a shopping cart. +Oh, pardon me. +I'd like three tomatoes. +Beef tomatoes. +Kind Mrs. Post gets. +Mrs. Post. +She real fine lady. +You Mr. Post? +Yes. +I'm helping out today. +My wife is sick. +Oh, that's too bad. +I throw in extra tomato for good luck. +Oh, well, thank you very... +I better throw him a stick. +You need something Mr. Post? +Oh, yes. +I dropped a dime. +Oh, I'll help you find it. +I can't... +Hello Sam. +How are the endives today? +Oh, fine. +I see you're shopping again. +Yes, Mrs. Addison has just started a new campaign with her civic group. +Oh, you're going to be with us through watermelon season. +Excuse, just my customer. +Please, if you must squeeze, squeeze apple. +Good morning. +How come you look for dime here when you drop there? +Well, you never know how far money will go these days. +You feel all right Mr. Post? +Oh, hello Mrs. Post. +How come you're out of bed? +What? +Sam, there's a wonderful picture playing at the art cinema. +Yakamura Samurai. +Why don't you go see it? +No, American subtitles too confusing. +Wilbur, why did he ask me what I was doing out of bed? +Oh, he just takes an interest in his customers. +I'm glad you're going to finish the shopping. +Oh, but I'm not Wilbur. +Darling, I'm on my way to an emergency meeting at the WCCI. +So, would you be a darling and take care of these things after you finish your shopping? +Have a car wash, take shoes to repair, pick up laundry. +I hope you don't mind dear. +Well, honey. +Oh, thanks honey. +I believe the wage here was for $1. +Thank you little mother. +Whoops. +Why do you insist on eavesdropping? +You haven't been around for three days. +I'm lonesome. +I've been busy. +Doing what? +Keeping house? +What's wrong with a man helping out his wife? +Nothing Wilma. +Wilma, Wilbur. +Ted, I admit I have been neglecting you, but really, these committee meetings at Carroll +will be all finished with in about two weeks. +Maybe. +If you were a real man, she'd stay home nights. +Are you suggesting that Carroll is losing interest in me? +If the horseshoe fits. +What am I doing wrong? +Nothing. +That's what's wrong. +Maybe I have been taking Carroll for granted. +After a man's been married for a few years, he stops showering his wife with these little +attentions. +And then, before you know it, strange cigarettes in the ashtray. +Still, I can't remember the last time I brought Carroll anything like, well, like little things. +Like flowers. +Or perfumes. +Or candles. +Or even taker dancing. +Stop jumping up and down. +You're making me dizzy. +I'm not giving up. +No sir. +Boy, am I glad I remained a bachelor. +Honey, I've got so much work to do. +Can I help you? +Would you like to hear my speech? +Love it. +Madam Chairman. +Beautiful, beautiful. +You may get a prize for this. +Oh, Wilbur, they're lovely. +What's the occasion? +You're my wife and I love you. +Now listen, Madam Chairman, it is with pleasure that I report to you tonight that, honey, +that the funds for the benches at every bus stop... +Wilbur, let me finish my speech. +Go ahead, I'm listening. +Carroll? +Very sorely, long number. +Very sorely, long number. +Honey, you should have let me talk to her. +It might be something important. +You're a devil when there's fire in your eyes. +Maybe I'd better call a bath. +Come here, you jezebel. +Wilbur, what's happening? +What's gotten into you? +This is the real me. +Ardent, impetuous, irresistible. +Yes, just like a great woman. +Don't you two ever fight? +I can't. +Very sorely, long number. +You know, when you said it the second time, your voice fooled me completely. +Oh, probably an echo. +We've been getting a lot of that in the party line. +Still, I don't mind as long as they don't double our phone bill. +Oh, Carroll, I've got good news. +We just got a big contribution from Mrs. Harding for our bus bench drive. +Oh, how wonderful. +Who's Mrs. Harding? +Her husband manufactures bus benches. +Now, there is a coincidence. +Carroll, you know what this means. +With the added money, we can keep our campaign going for months and months. +Isn't that great? +And, Carroll, you know, we're all gonna have to pitch in and work twice as hard, maybe +three, four nights a week. +Get about the club, honey. +You know you can count on me, Ken. +Did you finish the correspondence, dear? +All we have to do is stamp them and mail them. +Oh, that's wonderful. +Cost $5. +They are divine. +Honey, this is your husband talking. +Oh, heavens, we haven't made up our mind about that yet. +I'm going upstairs now, honey. +Oh, we'll just have to call another emergency meeting. +I'm gonna look upstairs and throw myself out of the window. +How about Mabel Benson? +I think that's pretty good. +We can get some bar food for a change. +That's marvelous. +Now, listen, you've got to know. +I'm gonna dig my heels out, honey, I ain't never gonna come home. +Oh, god! +Hello? +Is Carol there? +Belle et Salle. +Long number. +Get off the phone. +Is this Carol Post's house? +Yes, it is Mr. Post. +This is Mabel Benson. +Oh, Mabel, well, my wife left a message for you. +You are to pick up some stationery at Joanne's. +Or Agnes'. +Or Linda's. +I vote for Agnes. +Get off the phone. +Who are you talking to? +Would you believe it's a horse? +Mr. Post, isn't it rather early in the morning to be hitting the bottle? +Hello? +He hung up on us. +To quote my own immortal words, a man in search of a can opener. +Oh, Lord. +I just got busy with these sketches, so I picked up a sandwich at Hofmeyer's Delicatessen. +Anything wrong with that? +No. +Only I have the feeling that for the next six months, you're going to be seeing more +of Hofmeyer than you do of your wife. +How about that? +You know, it's quite ironic when you think of it. +Our wives out fighting for benches at bus stops. +My wife's never been on a bus in her life. +The club is doing some good, isn't it? +Good. +Two years ago, those women put up a fight to save a park statue that even the pigeons +didn't want. +Still, I'm not going to beg Carol to give up the club. +I mean, if she wants to quit, she can do it of her own will and accord. +I can see you now celebrating your golden anniversary with Hofmeyer. +To fill in all those empty years ahead, I would suggest you take up a hobby. +Perhaps butterfly mounting, stamp collecting, painting, taxidermy. +Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. +Hold it, hold it. +What? +You got it. +Got what? +I'm going to take up a hobby. +Yeah, what, what? +Painting. +You want to paint in the kitchen? +Taking up painting will get Carol back in the kitchen? +Yeah, well, it will the way I'm going to do it. +Now, see, I've got an easel here. +I just need to get some canvas, some paints. +Do you think that's enough food? +Is Mabel Benson coming? +Uh-huh. +Then you haven't got enough. +She's the only one I know who starts with seconds. +Hello, girls. +Is it Halloween already? +What in the world are you doing in that outfit? +Haven't you ever seen an artist before? +Did you get enough air in that bun? +I thought I would take up a hobby as long as you were busy with your club meetings. +Oh, I think that's wonderful, honey. +Tonight I'm going to do a picture of Mr. Ed. +Well, do a good job. +If it comes out nice, he may order a half a dozen. +Oh, I must have got that mouth on canvas. +Oh, there are the girls. +Well, good luck with your bus benches. +I shouldn't have done that, you know. +I may never paint again. +Ed, what are you doing? +Cut off my ear and call me Van Gogh. +What are you doing with my canvas? +Ed, I'm sorry. +I know I've been neglecting you lately, but it won't be for long. +As you all know, our campaign to get bus benches on every corner is rapidly gaining momentum. +The reason for this meeting is to find an appropriate slogan. +Oh, I've got one. +A bench is a place for people to meet. +It's also a wonderful place to eat. +How about this one? +Excuse me. +Sit and leave your trouble. +Hello, I'm Jane Parker. +Mr. Post is expecting me. +He is? +Yes, I'm modeling for him. +But I thought he was painting his horse. +He is. +I'll be sitting on it. +We're doing Lady Godiva. +Where is your husband's studio? +It's that building in the rear, right off the patio. +Oh, thank you. +Oh, Ed, stop being so stubborn. +Nobody's sitting on my back. +You can talk. +You tell it to the model. +I only talk to you and dumb animals. +Very funny. +Very funny. +I'm Jane Parker. +Oh, how do you do? +I'm Wilbur Post. +Didn't you bring your costume? +Sure, it's in here. +Well, you can get changed in here. +I'll be outside. +I'm painting you by moonlight. +How are you? +Oh, did, um, did my wife say anything to you? +No, she just seemed a bit surprised. +Good. +Just a minute. +Here he comes. +It is therefore resolved that the Women's Committee for Civic Improvement... +Pardon me, girls. +Do you mind if I steal these olives? +Are you having martinis? +No. +Janey just had a yen for olives. +Hello, Wilbur. +Oh, hi, Roger. +What are you doing out here? +Well, this is part of my plan to get Carol back in the kitchen. +By painting your horse? +That's ridiculous. +Well, I'm ready. +Oh, this is Mr. Addison, my neighbor. +This is Miss Parker, my mother. +May I split a canvas with you? +Why, it's Roger. +Hello, dear. +I just dropped in for a tray of ice cubes. +Girls, meeting adjourned. +I think I better put Picasso to bed. +Now relax, my dear. +Now smile. +Show me those beautiful teeth. +Not you, Ed. +I beg your pardon? +Oh, nothing. +Just smile, my dear. +Hi, dear. +Hello, honey. +Now let's see those lovely dimples. +That's wonderful. +Darling, it was getting a little chilly, +and I thought maybe Miss Parker would like to borrow my sweater. +No, thank you. +I'm very warm-blooded. +Now, Janie, my dear, lift the knee just a little. +That's it. That's it. +Wilbur? +Yes, dear? +How long do you think it's going to take you to finish this picture? +A few weeks, a few months. +Rembrandt never punched a time clock, you know. +Guess what? +I just resigned from my club. +You did? +Uh-huh. +It was taking up too much of my time. +Well, you know best, dear. +Hey, what do you think? +Not very good. +It's terrible. +All right. +Better take up another hobby. +I think that's a wonderful idea. +That'll be all, Miss Parker. +Wilbur? +Hmm? +What hobby are you going to take up next? +That's a nice hobby. +Ed, Carol and I are going dancing, so I thought... +Ed, what in the world are you doing in that beret? +I got a little filly coming over for a sitting. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. +Thank you. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E04 Kiddy Park.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E04 Kiddy Park.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1f0c924 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E04 Kiddy Park.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,402 @@ +Hello. I'm Mr. Red. +Wilbur? +Good for you. +Thanks, Dad. +Hello? +Can you come in for a minute? +The vacuum cleaner's stuck. +Be right over, honey. +Oh, sweetheart, give me a little kiss. +Sickening. +Wilbur? +Hi, Roger. +Have you any plans for the weekend? +Just work. Why? +According to this fishing report, the marlin are running wild at Ensenada. +They say they're practically leaping into the boat. +Yeah. They must be using Mexican jumping beans for bait. +What do you say? +Tomorrow morning we pack our fishing gear and in a few hours we'll be south of the border. +La cucaracha, la cucaracha. +I'll tell Carol to get packed. +Oh, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. This trip is for men only. +What, you mean you want to leave Kay and Carol at home? +Exactly. We don't need our wives. We'll have the marlin, and they talk less. +The trouble with you is you're henpecked. +I am not. +I wear the pants in my family. +That's the spirit, and be firm. +Right. See you later, Roger. +La cucaracha, la cucaracha. +La cucaracha, la cucaracha. +Ed. +Ed, I can't take you with us. +You heard Mr. Addison. This trip is for men only. +What do I look like, a girl? +Ed, it's impossible. +You're leaving me alone on my birthday? +Your birthday? +Yep. +Seven years ago, that old vet slapped me on the back and said to my father, +Congratulations, it's a boy. +Seven years old, huh? +You know, you don't look more than five and a half. +I try to stay in shape. +What time do we leave? +Look, Ed, we'll discuss it later. Carol's waiting for me. +Wilbur. +Yeah? +Be firm. Just us men. +La cucaracha, la cucaracha. +Carol, I had a talk with Roger Addison. +Honey, when you get that out, will you please put this extension in? +I have to vacuum those drapes. +Yes. He showed me this newspaper article. +You got it loose yet? +Oh, no. It's a very exciting article. +They're leaping into the boat at Ensenada. Marlon, I mean. +Marlon, honey, will you please listen to me? +Why, yes, dear. What is it? +Well, the... +Yes? +Can I help you with the drapes? +Oh, you're so sweet. +You know, honey, I've been working pretty hard lately, +and I thought it isn't good for a fellow to all work and no play, +and I thought perhaps maybe I could... +Honey, be careful! +Yeah, well, as I said, I've been working kind of hard lately, and I... +I'll get the hammer so you can fix the rod. +I thought perhaps... +Operator? +Would you please test my phone? +Yeah. +Yes, will you ring... Will you ring State 1-1781? +Right away. Thank you. +Here, dear. +Oh, thank you. +Now what were you saying, dear? +Who, me? I wasn't saying anything. +I'll get it, honey. +Hello? +Hello? +Oh, yes! Hello, Roger. +It's Roger Addison. +Hello, Roger. +Huh? +Three days? +Ensenada? +Oh, sure, I love to go fishing. +Just us men, huh? +Well, I don't know, Roger. I hate to leave Carol alone. +Oh, no, you're wrong about that, Roger. +If I were to ask Carol, I know she'd let me go in a minute. +Huh? +They're leaping into the boat, huh? +Roger. +Well, I'll talk to Carol. +Wilbur, who are you talking to? +Must have been some practical joker. +He certainly sounded like you. +I guess he has a twin brother. Have you? +Gee, Carol, I'm leaving tomorrow morning on a three-day fishing trip. +Your husband would like to accompany me, but he hasn't the nerve to ask you. +Oh, well, for heaven's sake, is that all? +Honey, of course you can go. +You'd let me go alone? +If you'd like to. +But I'll miss you. +Well, it was your idea. +You didn't say you wanted to go alone. +You never asked me. +Well, you could have suggested it. +But I thought you wanted to go alone with Roger. +Look, Carol, I did not marry you to go on trips with this man. +Wilbur, don't raise your voice to me. +Carol, you're fighting me. Your place is with your husband. +But, dear... +Legally, you haven't got a leg to stand on. +Wherever the husband goes, the wife has to go. +Right, Roger? +You tell him. +Oh, here's my darling breadwinner. +Addison, would you mind driving me to... +Kay, guess what? +The boys want us to go along with them to Ensenada. +No. +Why, Addison doll, whatever made you change your mind? +It seemed as illegal for a husband to catch a fish unless accompanied by his wife. +Ensenada, what a lovely idea. +Honey, we'd better start shopping right away. +We've got no time to lose. +Right, I've got a million things to do. +You'd better find a place for Mr. Ed to stay while we're gone. +What do you mean? +Since you're not married to the horse, I don't believe you're legally obligated to include him on the trip. +Well, I thought we could hitch a trailer to the car and take him along with us. +Oh, good thinking. +Then if you boys get tired, the horse can take his turn at the wheel. +Darling, we can put him in a stable. +Put Mr. Ed in a stable? +He's too big for a kennel. +Darling, don't look so worried. +There must be a good place around. +But I mean, it would break his heart. +Tomorrow's his birthday. +His birth... +His birthday. +How do you know? +We... +I think it said so on his papers. +So it's his birthday. +We could send him a singing telegram from Ensenada. +Let's go, Carol. Those dress racks are calling. +Darling, would you mind putting away those things and fixing the drapes? +I just hate to shop in a hurry. +What's the difference? Buy now, return later. +Listen, it'll only take me a minute to change. Come on up with me. +All right, dear. Stay out here. The water's very warm in Ensenada. +Ed, you better sit down. +Uh-uh. Here comes the snow job. +Ed, I can't take you along. +That's nice. +You'll be having a ball in Mexico while I stand around here twiddling my hoofs. +Ed, I'm not gonna leave you alone. +What are you gonna do? Get me a horse sitter? +Oh, be sensible. +What fun would a horse have sitting around watching people fish? +What fun do people have watching horses run? +Well, you're such a great talker. Why don't you talk to Carol about coming along? +Try her again, will you? +All right. Soon she gets back from shopping. +Muchos gracias, amigo. +Uh-oh. +I just bought this one dress. All these are Kay's. +Yes, and that's just what I could carry. The rest I'm having delivered. +Kay, you better rush back to the store. +Why? +You forgot to get snowshoes in case there's a blizzard. +Oh, fooling. What are you gonna do with all these things? +No problem. I'm running a sale on Monday. +I think I'll wear the brown belt with this. What do you think? +Maybe. +I'm worried about leaving Ed. +Oh, he'll be fine. +It would break your heart to see Ed. He feels terrible about being left behind. +That's silly. You're just imagining things. +Who ever heard of taking a horse along on a fishing trip? +Carol, Ed wouldn't be any trouble. +Wilbur, I'm beginning to think you're using Mr. Ed as an excuse. +Excuse? +To make me stay at home. +You're sorry you asked me to come along. Why did you say so? +Carol. +Oh, well. +There's no sense in watching you two fight. I may as well go home and start my own. +You know, Ed, I've been thinking about Mexico. +With this change of climate, you're gonna feel real lobey. +Then there's the difference in the food, you know, and the water, and the altitude. +Maybe you should reconsider. +I can see the handwriting on the wall. +Look, Ed, I tried, but Carol just doesn't want you to come along. +Okay. Leave me alone on my birthday. +Ed, pull yourself together. It's only for three days. +Besides, Carol started to cry. When I see tears, I just can't say no. +Ed, don't. +Okay, Ed, you're going. +Anything she can do, I can do better. +You can pick up some new handbags in Ensenada. +Mm-hmm, that's right. Oh, sure. +All right. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. +Yes, dear? Just a minute, Kay. +Honey, I was just out in the barn, and if you could see Ed, it tears your heart out. +No, no, don't cry. He's gonna stay. +He wanted to take that horse to Ensenada again. +Oh, these men will try to get away with anything. +I guess I'll just have to try again. +So, I got the axe again, huh? +I have asked you not to listen in on that phone. +You don't like me. +Oh, stop saying that. +I might as well go to work in a kiddie park. +Stop feeling sorry for yourself. +Those kids will ride me, kick me, beat me, but what do you care? +Ed, be reasonable. If I have to pick between you and Carol, you know what my decision has to be. +Yep, just break it to her gently. +Ed, I'm gonna have to board you in a stable for a few days. +Do anything you want. I don't care. +Oh, now I don't know what to do. +Can I help you? +Yes, my name is Post. I phoned Mr. Kramer about boarding my horse here. +Why, Mr. Kramer, how long do you want to leave? +Well... +Well, um, I'd like to leave him here for three days. +All right, I think we can arrange that. +I'll pick him up Sunday night. What time's... +What are we whispering about? +The horse feels terrible about coming here. This is his first time away from home. +Oh, God, don't worry it. We got some horses that's been here for months. +No! +I'd like to leave him here for just three days. Three short days. +Has he been fed? +No, he's on a hunger strike today. +Just leave the horse here. We'll take care of him. +Come on, Ed, it's only for three days. +Post, we've got more stuff in here than you can get in the average freight car. +Most of your wife's. +Wilbur, do you mind if I sit in the car with the rest of the group? +I can't have you blocking the license plate for me. +I told the girls we wouldn't have room for all these suitcases. +I didn't think we'd be able to squeeze it all in. +Well, this is it. +Sweetie, don't forget to close the door. +Can you fit these in, dear? +Look, if I squeeze all that stuff in, I'll have to drive from the glove compartment. +Ladies, we're only going away for the weekend. We're not fleeing the country. +It's our fault you men don't know how to pack a car. +Do you girls have any suggestions? +I have. Here, put all the stuff in the back seat, Wilbur. +There you go. Now, Addison, you take the rest of the bags. +Carol, dear, look out so Wilbur can get them in there. There you go. +Don't crash the car. Yes, in the back seat, please. +Out there. Oh, there's plenty of room in there. +Now then, Wilbur, get right into the driver's seat, just easy as pie. +Here you go. +Do you really think this is going to work? +Oh, certainly. I've done it a million times. +Get right in there next to Wilbur. +Take them out and out of the mold. +There you see, dear, nothing to it. +I'll just stand here and wave as you drive away. +Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Come on, get in. Now, squeeze over, everybody. +Come on, now. We've got lots of... +Oh, Wilbur. I know. That blue bag in the back can go. +Wait a minute. You picked on the one valise containing my things. +Well, it only has fishing clothes in it. Can't you catch fish in your slacks? +Yes. Or we can go fishing at night and catch them in our pajamas. +I have the perfect solution. What? +Send the bags to Ensenada and we'll stay here. +Come on, let's be sensible. We've got too much stuff in this car. +This can go. +This radio can go. +This bag... +That stays. +That's our phone, honey. Where did you pack it? +Never mind, I'll get it. +Let's compromise. Supposing we leave just a couple of things behind. +Right. Two wives. +Hello. +Mr. Post? Yes? +Got some bad news. Your horse is missing. +Missing? What happened? +I think he's been stolen. Just before he disappeared, I heard a voice in his stall. +Oh, I don't know. Something about a kiddie park. +No, I didn't see anybody around. That's what makes it so peculiar. +He told me he'd run off to a kiddie park. +Do you see my little black bag? +Your black bag? There are 75 bags in there. +Right behind there. I'm awful sorry. +I'm going to the kiddie park. +Well, that's one way to settle the packing problem. +Did he say kiddie park? +He said, like they say, men are little boys at heart. +Ed! Ed, it's me! +Hmm. +Hold it, Mac. You can't go out there. +That's my horse. He ran away from home. +What are you talking about? +He's mine. Don't believe what he tells you. +Wait a minute. +That horse has been here ever since I came to... +Who told me? +Excuse me. I'll be back in a minute. +You looking for trouble, Mac? +I've got to get out there. +Only riders are allowed out on the tracks, eh? +How much for a ride? +15 cents, four for a half. +Wait a minute. I get it. +This is a hidden camera show. We're on TV, right? +Where's the camera? +Where'd you hide it? +Boy, you had me fooled for a minute. +Where's the camera? +Hiya, honey. Hiya, Davey boy. This is Daddy. +Where'd you hide the microphone? +Under your lapel. +Four rides on that pony, please. +Oh, I beg your pardon, madam. That's my pony. I was here first. +Wait a minute, mister. I was here before you. +No, no, you see, I was talking to the ticket taker when you came up. +You ought to have numbers, like in the butcher shop. +How long is your child going to ride? +Excuse me. +Are you going to ride that pony? +Just for a minute. I only bought one ticket. +What's the matter, mister? A big man like you riding a pony? +You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you big... +Madam, please. You're on television. +Television? +Hidden camera. +No. +Where's the camera? Oh, this is exciting. +Oh, are they going to give away prizes? +Oh, hello. +Mother, are you watching? +Oh, I have to clean you up. We're on television. +Say hello to Grandma. +Come on, faster. Catch that big horse. Come on, let's go. +Kid, you shouldn't have run away. +Get away from me, boy, you bugger. +Listen, kid, you knew I tried to get Carol to change her mind. +I wouldn't go now if you're big. +Who does he want you to go? +Ensenada. +Oh? +I thought you didn't talk in front of anybody but me. +How come you talk to a kid? +Who believes kids anyway? +Follow that big horse. Come on, let's go. +Come on, let's go. Come on, let's go. Hurry up. Come on. +Get it. Get it. Get it. +Come on, come on. Ed. +Ed, will you please listen to me? +Ed, you win. You are going to Ensenada, okay? +Will you put that in writing? +I solemnly swear to you, I will not go to Ensenada. +Okay? Will you put that in writing? +I solemnly swear. +Check. +Ed, where is Ensenada? +Mexico. +Oh? +Are you coming home now, Ed? +Si, senor. +Well, did you have a good time? +Mommy, that horse talks. +What? +He said he didn't want to go to Mexico. +The horse said that? +Uh-huh. +Children, where do they get those imaginations? +Wilbur. +Carol. +Ensenada. +What's Mr. Ed doing here? +He ran away. +Don't tell me he wanted to visit his relatives on the merry-go-round. +By the time we get to Mexico, our clothes will be out of style. +You better take Mr. Ed back to the stable, honey. +Carol, Ed is going with us. +And if you feel like crying, be my guest. +All right, honey. You win. +Excuse us. +Back to the car. +Now are you all comfy back there? +Hurry, Wilbur. +Just a minute, dear. +Happy birthday, Ed. +Thanks, amigo. Thanks. +Now, make a wish and blow out the candle. +Happy birthday, Ed. +A Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E05 Stable for Three.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E05 Stable for Three.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..17fe0eb --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E05 Stable for Three.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,402 @@ +Hello. I'm Mr. Red. +Morning, Wilbur. Ed, isn't this a beautiful morning? +Only for people. What are you so grouchy about? +Didn't sleep a wink last night. What kept you up? +The smoke from your barbecue. What bothered you, huh? +No. That's too bad. Still, we've got to use the barbecue. +Wanna bet? Hello. +Wilbur? It's that fussy Mr. Goodwin again. +Thanks, Ed. Good morning, Mr. Goodwin. +Wilbur, I've been thinking it might be a good idea to put the fireplace in the den after all. +Fine, but yesterday you told me that... I changed my mind. +My wife wants the fireplace. All right. It's your money, Mr. Goodwin. +Goodbye. That Goodwin. His wife says one thing, he jumps. +Wilbur? Coming, honey. Hey, Wilbur. +Yeah? You're not a bad jumper yourself. +There you go. +One morning, just one morning, I'd like to see go past without trouble from that mischievous horse. +Honey, you can't blame Mr. Ed for everything. I mean, this could have been done by a stray cat. +Well, it must have been some cat to kick over a barbecue and leave hoof prints all over it. +Wilbur, that horse is becoming destructive. Maybe we ought to get rid of him. +Honey, you can't blame Ed. I mean, maybe the smoke kept him awake all night. +He said it gave him quite... I mean, you can tell by his cough. +Wilbur, you never ride him. He doesn't do any work for us. Why are we keeping him? +Well, he came with the house. +Oh, I suppose if termites came with the house, you'd want to keep them too. +Only the friendly ones. +If you must keep him, at least tie him up so he won't go wandering about the place destroying things. +I'll do it right now. +Now, Ed, look, I just saw that barbecue. I'm going to have to tie you up. +But that's slavery. You know, we fought a war. +Ed, please. +Four score and seven... +Well, it's about time you got a little sunshine. +Wilbur, have you tied Mr. Ed up yet? +What a silly question. How's your vegetable garden doing, honey? +Oh, honey, I'm so thrilled with it. +Just imagine, I put a little seed in the ground and up come those beautiful tomatoes. +It's a miracle of nature. +Yeah? Especially when you planted radishes. +No kidding. That garden has cost me $62. +Don't you think that you could whip up a couple of those tomatoes in a salad tonight? +Eat my tomatoes. +Honey, don't look at me as though I were a cannibal. We've got to eat them sometime. +Wilbur, let's not eat those tomatoes just yet, huh? +What are you going to do, make lamps out of them? +Mmm. +What you thinking about, honey? +My spring onion. It should have been up by now. What do you think it needs? +Another spring onion. +So, you know, this garden of yours has cost me a fortune. +What are you going to show for it? +Three radishes, four tomatoes, and a spring onion that can't make up its mind. +You're a big help. +Hey, scratch my back. +Hi, Luther Burbank. +Hi, Kate. +Guess what? Addison's surprising me with a gorgeous mink stole. +Oh, what's the occasion? +My anniversary. +Is it today? +Well, not exactly. It's eight months from now. +Eight months? +As a matter of fact, he doesn't even know he's buying me the stole. +That's the surprise. +Yes. +Well, I'm going to have to ask him to come downtown with me and help me pick it out. +Kate, can we go a little later this afternoon? +Oh, I have to finish shopping by three. +Why three? +By that time, the banks are closed and my husband's helpless. +Come on, put that thing down. Hurry up. Hurry up. +Oh, hello, Roger. +How are you today? +Not so good. +During the night, someone demolished my barbecue. +And there's been a stray cat around the neighborhood. +Stray dog? +Try old plug. +I'm awfully sorry about your barbecue, Roger. +I'll take it. +Hello? +Yes, he's here. Just a minute. +It's your wife. +My wife? +Oh, thanks. +Yes, Kate? +Are you wearing your sweater, darling? +Yes, I am. +Keep it buttoned. +I don't want you catching cold, pudding pie. +Pudding pie. +She's setting me up for something. I can feel it in my wallet. +Just because a wife is nice to her husband doesn't mean she wants anything. +Post, how long have you been married? +Three years. +I put in 21 years. +Take my advice. +When your wife begins to act unnaturally kind, kiss her. +But don't take your hands out of your pockets. +Roger, did it ever occur to you that Kate is being nice to you because she loves you? +That horse seems to have more sense than you have. +But in the future, just keep him away from my house. +Ed, I'm ashamed of you. +Why did you destroy our neighbor's barbecue? +Well, what have you got to say for yourself? +I'm not saying a word until I hear from my lawyer. +Well, I'm going to lock you in your stall until you've learned your lesson. +No, I've got a better idea. +You're going to go without your lunch today. +Well, aren't you going to say anything? +Time doesn't pay. +Go without my lunch? +Not while there's a garden full of vegetables. +Hey, Ed! +What are you doing? +Blocking my plants, darling. +Mr. Ed, Carol's garden is completely ruined. +Those crows will eat anything. +It was you who ate them. +Me? +Then whose hoof prints are those? +So far, that's pretty flimsy evidence. +Why did you do it, Ed? +You took away my oats. +I was hungry. +When Carol finds out you wrecked her garden, she'll insist on getting rid of you. +What are you going to do about it, Wilbur? +Me? +You could cover up for an old pal. +What do you suggest? +Run down to the market. +Buy a few vegetables to stick back into the ground. +Pretty sneaky. +Yeah, I thought you'd like it. +I'll give it a try. +Why do I do these things for you? +Because we like each other. +Get going. +Yeah. +Boy, I got out of that one pretty neatly. +Hi, Roger. +Hello, Wilbur. +Don't tell me you're planting vegetables in the hope seeds will come up. +Oh, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a jam. +Have you seen my wife? +She and my checkbook seem to have gone out together. +Well, I think she went shopping with my wife. +Then she'll be returning soon. +Yeah, the banks have just closed. +Wilbur, I don't think you're well. +Ed, she's here. +Thanks, Carol. +It's a lovely stove, Kay, and I know you'll look just beautiful in it. +Well, I hope Addison will think so. +When are you going to show it to him? +I may have to break it to him gently. +Maybe I'll just wear the box for a couple of days. +Thanks a lot, Carol, for going with me. +Well, happy anniversary, whenever it is. +Kay, good luck. +I'll need it. +Uh-oh, here she comes. +Relax, Wilbur. +We have nothing to fear but fear itself. +Yeah. +Oh. +Oh! +Hello, Wilbur. +Carol, oh, darling. +Sweetheart. +Why, what have we here? +Don't you recognize the vegetables from my garden? +Yes, they're beautiful. +Aren't they? +You know, this is the most amazing tomato I ever grew. +Really? +It grew without a stem, upside down, and all tied up. +Nature is wonderful. +And just look at these radishes. +Oh, those are lovely radishes. +You should win a prize with those. +I should. +You see, I planted red radishes and white ones came up. +Wilbur, what happened to my beautiful garden? +Honey, it was an accident. +It was that horse again, and now don't you try to cover up for him. +It was all my fault. +You see, I took his oats away, and he was very hungry. +He promised he'd never do it again. +He promised? +What I mean is you could tell by the look on his face that he was sorry. +You're always alibiing for him. +Sometimes I think you love that horse more than you do me. +Just a minute. +And if he could cook, I'd be without a job. +You would not. +Well, as far as I'm concerned, if you love that horse so much, you could sleep in the barn with him. +Carol, you don't mean that. +Oh, yes, I do. +And for your sake, I hope your friend doesn't snort. +Whoa! +Buddy boy. +What do you want? +So it won't be a total loss. +Pass me those vegetables, hmm? +Hmm? +Carol thinks I'm going to call her and apologize. +She's mistaken. +Uh, Wilbur, next time get my pizza pie with anchovies. +You know, just between the two of us, Carol is perfectly justified in being angry with you. +You had no right to eat her vegetables. +Look who's talking. +You stuck those vegetables in the ground, not me. +Andre. +Sit, I'll get it. +Never mind. +Hello, honey. +This is Mr. Goodwin again. +Oh. +All right, I'll put the fireplace back, Mr. Goodwin. +Goodbye. +You know, maybe I ought to call Carol. +Wilbur. +You're right. +Any woman who would allow her husband to sleep in a broken-down stable... +Please, you're talking about our home. +Come in, honey. +Please, you're talking to your next-door neighbor. +Somebody here? +No, I was just talking to myself. +Oh. +I understand you're going to be sleeping in the stable tonight. +Oh, news gets around quick, doesn't it? +Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. +I've got work to do. +Besides, this isn't really a stable, this is my office. +Oh, sure, sure. +And I see you've engaged a secretary to take short-hand. +Mr. Ed. +My boy, do you know where you made your first mistake? +Getting married? +No. +There's nothing wrong with marriage, provided there is just one in the family who wears the pants. +I'll take it. +Excuse me. +Hello, honey. +Oh, no, Wilbur, this is Kay. +Is Addison there? +Yes. +Your pants is on the phone. +Yes, dear. +Doll, will you please hurry home? +I just baked a special cake for you. +I'll be there. +Baked a cake, huh? +She must have bought something really expensive. +If there's whipped cream on it, I'm bankrupt. +Just one more piece of cake, Addison doll. +Really, Kay, three pieces are sufficient. +Oh, but Addison, I... +Well, shall we have the ice cream now or later? +Later. +All right, sweet. +Now, let mother make you comfy. +Here, I'll put this nice pillow behind you. +Now, lay back, you've had a hard day. +Here's the evening paper for you. +Thank you. +Isn't that nice? +Nice. +Now, just you relax, dear. +Relax, dear. +It goes back in the morning. +You could at least look at it. +Beautiful. +It still goes back in the morning. +I'm keeping it. +Oh, is it going to be one of those nights? +Am I losing the ice cream, too? +I'm keeping the stole. +Over my dead checkbook. +Oh, now, Addison, be fair. +Did I raise a fuss when you went out last week and squandered a fortune? +I bought a pair of socks for $2. +That doesn't answer my question. +Did I raise a fuss? +That stole goes back in the morning. +If it does, it will have to walk by itself. +Are you going to let me have some peace tonight, or must I find somewhere else to stay? +Say, Wilbur, is this animal going to sleep in here with us? +Yeah, he's paid up till the end of the month. +Besides, maybe we can learn a few things from him. +He's the only one around here who hasn't been kicked out by his wife. +I'm afraid this couch is too narrow for both of us. +You know, I toss a little in my sleep. +Oh, I toss, too. +Well, look, you take the couch. +I'll get something for myself from the patio. +Oh, Wilbur, I'm sorry to put you to so much trouble. +Oh, forget it. +And look at it this way. +You haven't lost a wife. +You've gained a stablemate. +Oh, yeah. +Stablemate. +Well, did you get those with chop suey? +They happen to be a gift from Kay. +Is that what started the fight? +No, our little tiff revolved around a mink stole my dear wife purchased this afternoon. +Oh, is that why she was buttering you up all day? +This was more of a lubrication job. +Take heed, folks. +Females are tricky creatures. +They don't have teeth but fangs. +Not nails but claws. +And instead of a heart, a charger plate. +If you feel that way about women, why did you get married? +Man does not live by bread alone. +Come on, admit it. +You know you're crazy about your wife. +Of course I am, but I dare not tell her that. +It would destroy our entire relationship. +I'm crazy about Carol, too. +So why are we sleeping in the barn? +We are teaching them a lesson. +Oh, thank heaven that sleeping pill is beginning to take effect. +Gesundheit. +Of all things. +I'm allergic to hay. +Gesundheit. +Thank you, Wilbur. +You better cover up, boy. +You sound a little hoarse. +Yeah. +Night. +Oh! +That stall still goes back in the morning. +Oh! +Maybe I can help. +Darling, I'm sor... +Oh, hi, Carol. +I thought it was my diamond Jim Brady. +Do you mind if I come in, Kay? +Glad to have you, honey. +I was getting tired talking to my mink. +Kay, I have something to tell you. +Oh? +Maybe we were wrong. +Maybe we should tell them. +We asked them to come home. +Well, I don't know, honey. +What was that? +Do you think it could be prowlers? +Louie, this joint looks like a pushover. +But don't use the rods unless you have to. +Let's get out of here quick. +Wilbur! +Wilbur! +Wilbur, wake up! +Wake up, Wilbur! +What happened? What's wrong? +There are prowlers outside. +They're trying to rob the house. +Prowlers? Prowlers? +Wake up, honey. +They're going to rob the house. +It still goes back in the morning. +Oh, dear. +Be careful, darling. +They were right under that window. +Huh. +There's nobody here but... +but Ed. +Hi. +They seem to be gone, darling. +Mr. Ed must have scared them away. +Mr. Ed? +Yeah, pretty smart, huh? +Smart? He's wonderful. +You still want to get rid of him? +Oh, no, honey. +I'm so ashamed of myself. +Believe me, if Ed could talk, +he'd forgive you. +Come on, honey. +It's nice of you to drive me downtown, Wilbur. +Kay is using my car. +That's all right. +And I'm sorry I took that sleeping pill last night +and wasn't able to assist you in that emergency. +Oh, that's okay. +There were only four burglars, +so I was able to handle it all. +Four, huh? +Yeah. Well, where are we going? +To the fur shop. +Fur shop? +I told you, I wear the pants in my family. +And this morning, when I insisted on returning this mink stole, +Kay gave it to me without an argument. +Oh, well, let's go. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E06 Sorority House.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E06 Sorority House.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a33c31b --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E06 Sorority House.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,480 @@ +Hello. I'm Mr. Red. +Hello. +I'd like to make a reservation. +Is this Trans-Oceanic Airlines? +No, lady. +This is the Pony Express. +Who was that on the phone? +Well, who was it? +Wrong number. +You know, you're a strange horse. +You'll talk on the phone, you'll talk to me, but you won't talk in front of other people. Why? +How should I know? +I'm a horse, not a psychiatrist. +Millions of horses in the world and I have to get the one who talks. +Why do I only seem to hear voices when I come in here? +I want to ask you a favor. +Sure, what is it? +Would you allow me to take your horse over to State University for the weekend? +I doubt if they'd accept him. +He never got out of high school. +No, really, I'm serious. +You see, I attended an alumni meeting last night of Sigma Nu Delta. +That's my old fraternity at State U. +Well, it seems that State's rival college has stolen our mascot, a horse just like yours. +And I promised the boys I would deliver Mr. Red for the big game next Saturday against Brighton U. +Well, since you promised, you can't have him. +Well, thank you... +I beg your pardon. +Maybe you better get another horse. +Ed is very uncomfortable away from home. +But the university is only a ten minute drive from here and the boys will bring him back right after the game. +Well, as long as they bring him back, you can't have him. +Well, look, I'm in a bad spot. +I promised the boys the horse and you're putting me in a very difficult position. +Well, if that's the case, you're in trouble. +I'm sorry, Roger. +Well, that's quite all right. +Thank you, neighbor. +Yes? +Is Mr. Utterson there? +Nope. +Who is this? +Willie McIntyre. +Is this the man who's going to lend us the horse? +Get yourself a mule. +Yes, I understand how important it is for you to borrow, Mr. Ed. +You know, Carol, I've done a few favors for Wilbur, like getting him the contract to build Mr. Gordon's ranch house. +I know. +And the lawnmower, I lend him every Sunday. +Of course, I'm not the kind who would remind Wilbur of these things, but I wish you would. +I'll talk to him, Roger. +Sometimes I can get him to do things, especially if he thinks it's his idea. +There he is. I'll call you. +Oh. +Who is that, honey? +That Roger Addison. +I wish he'd stop pestering us about lending him Mr. Ed. +He just doesn't give up, huh? +He's never done us any favors. +Oh, let's be fair, honey. +Well, name one thing. +He got me the contract for the Gordon ranch house. +What else? +Those theater tickets. +What else? +Well, uh... +So he lends you his lawnmower every Sunday. +Did I say that? +All right. +If it means that much to you, lend Roger the horse. +It would upset you, darling. +Oh, no, no, no. +You've convinced me. +Lend Roger the horse. +That's what I love about you. +When you're wrong, you admit it. +Roger, listen. +It worked. +Oh, bless you, my dear. +I still don't understand why your husband raised +such a fuss over that old nag. +What was that? +Must be a bad connection. +Well, thanks again, and goodbye, my dear. +Ed, I've been thinking. +Not lately. +Ed, listen. +Maybe you'd have fun being mascot for those kids, +just for the weekend. +No, thanks. +I'd rather die in bed. +Well, you may get your picture in the paper. +With 22 football players on my back. +Look at it from my point of view. +Mr. Addison is my neighbor. +He's been doing me a lot of favors, +and it's about time I did him one. +They tricked you, Wilbur. +I heard him on the phone. +Never mind what you heard on the phone. +I'm telling Mr. Addison the Sigma Nu Delta +can borrow you for the football game. +Oh. +Lay it on hard, lay it on low. +All right, stay, stay. +Go, go, go. +Why don't you watch where you're going? +I'm sorry. +My name is Wilbur Post. +I lent you fellas my horse for the football game. +Football game. +With an S and a T and an A-T-E. +Stay, stay. +Yay! +T. +I know, fellas, but won't you even listen to me? +Excuse me, I'm Wilbur Post. +I lent you my horse for the football game. +I'm a little worried about him. +It's his first time away from home. +Would you boys know where they're keeping him? +You are fraternity boys, aren't you? +You are boys. +You are alive. +Why should I want to fool you fellas? +I tell you, Norma's a living doll. +She'll go nuts over him. +Pardon me, my name is Wilbur Post. +I'm here about my horse. +Would you know where they've hidden him? +I'll call you right back, fellas. +Are you a spy from Brighton? +Now, fellas, please, you've got this all wrong. +I'm Wilbur Post, Mr. Addison's friend. +I'm the one who lent you the horse. +I just want to see him. +Oh, well, we've got him hidden where those Brighton creeps won't find him. +Oh, well, would you mind telling me where? +Hi, Hank. +How's our horse? +I think he likes it in that steam room. +We better not keep him in there too long. +He's liable to come out a pony. +Willie, you're a genius for dreaming this up. +Those BU guys will never think of looking for him in here. +The horse's owner is coming over now to have a look at him. +It's okay to let him in. +Check. +Uh-oh, here comes Professor Thornhill. +What do we do? +Don't panic. +I'll handle him. +Ah, MacIntyre. +Hi, River. +How's the steam today? +Nice and warm, I hope? +Oh, Professor, it's pretty hot in there. +Maybe you ought to skip it today. +The heat's liable to crack your glasses. +Oh, I always leave my glasses outside. +Ah! +Oh, dear, oh, dear. +Oh! +Now, off we go. +Who's that big fellow in there? +Uh, that's Moose Jackson, sir. +You better not go in there, sir. +He's still sore at you because you flunked him in psychology. +Oh, I had to fail him. +In his last examination, he even spelt his name wrong. +Oh, I beg your pardon. +Here. +I'm so sorry. +Gentlemen, there is a horse in the steam room. +A horse, sir? +Yes, a horse. +And don't tell me it's the moose. +Well, sir, that horse is our new mascot, sir. +We were hiding him from the BU guys. +MacIntyre, what are you majoring in? +Physics, sir. +Oliver? +Advanced electronics, sir. +And to think, the free world is waiting for you scientists. +Ed, I've been looking. +Oh, sorry, sir, I thought you were someone else. +Oh, it's quite all right. +Tell me, young man, you always wear all your clothes in the steam room? +Well, I... I have a cold. +Oh, I see. That probably makes sense. +By the way, by the way, have you noticed that we have two +horses in that company? +Nobody here, sir, just us and the horse. +Just us and the horse. +Tell me, young man, are you majoring in any science? +No, sir. +Oh, then there is hope for the world. +Ed, it's good to see you. +How are you, boy? +Medium rare. +Cheer up. He'll find another hiding place for you. +By tomorrow, they'll have me up on a church steeple. +Come on, enjoy yourself while you're here. +Have fun with the kids. +Hit them hard, hit them low. +Come on, steak, go, go, go. +My life is at stake in your cheering. +I'm sorry about this, Ed. +I'll make it up to you later. +Just keep the services dignified and simple. +You're not angry with me, are you? +I'll see you at the game. +Wilbur. +Yeah? +Close the door fast. +These drafts are murder. +By tomorrow, they'll have me up on a church steeple. +My life is at stake in your cheering. +Just keep the services dignified and simple. +Wilbur. +Honey, you ate so little at dinner. +I fixed a little snack for you. +Thank you, dear. +Oh, darling, you're not still worried about Mr. Ed, are you? +No, of course not. +Wilbur. +Wilbur. +Wilbur, here they are. +Four tickets on the 50-yard line. +Oh, Roger, you shouldn't have bought them. +I didn't buy them. +They're a gift from the Sigma Nu Delta boys. +Pretty good, huh? +If I find him up on a church steeple, it's all your fault. +Church steeple? +What are you talking about? +Oh, nothing. +I'll get it. +Hello? +Yes, he's here. +Who? +One of the boys from the fraternity, Willie McIntyre. +Let me take that. +Hello? +I've got some bad news for you about your horse. +Bad news? +What happened to him? +That bunch from Brighton jumped us and stole him. +What's wrong, dear? +Mr. Ed. +Mr. Ed's been stolen. +Wilbur. +Hello, Edna? +Our boys did it to state you again. +We've got their first mascot hidden at a riding academy. +I'm sure they'll be happy to see you. +I'm sure they'll be. +I'm sure they'll be. +I'm sure they'll be. +I'm sure they'll be. +I'm sure they'll be. +I'm sure they'll be. +I'm sure they'll be. +And guess where the second one is? +Right in the basement of our sorority house. +Good evening, Sandy. +Hello, Mrs. Davis. +Linda, how did the boys ever get the horse out of that steam room? +Weren't there any state boys guarding him? +It was a breeze. +I was a decoy. +You mean they sent you into the steam room? +Don't be ridiculous, Gloria. +One of the boys told the boy guarding the steam room that a blonde wanted to see him outside. +And he left his post? +Honey, when he saw me, he would have left his country. +And what did you do to keep him outside while our boys were stealing the horse? +Well, we discussed the international situation. +Girls, girls, hold it down. +Mrs. Davis just came back. +If she finds out the horse is right down here in the basement, we're in trouble. +Do you think Mrs. Davis suspects anything? +Not so far. +She'd been so busy fixing up the house for Miss Pentecost's lecture. +And what a subject for a lecture. +Ornithology. +That's for the birds. +Oh, poor horse. +He must be hungry. +Let's fix him some poached eggs or something. +Great idea. +Poached eggs. +There it is. +Operator. +Hello, honey. +Will you get me state 11781? +You can dial that number, sir. +Dialing number. +You can dial that number, sir. +Uh, I can't see. +Just broke my glasses. +Very well, sir. +I'll get it for you. +If anything happens to that horse, I'm going to hold you responsible. +Wilbur, stop worrying. +I'm sure they'll find him. +Hello. +Hello. +Hello, Wilbur. +This is Ed. +Where are you? +They're holding me captive in a sorority house. +Which one? +Where? +To whom are you talking? +It's, uh, it's Max Trellefas. +Where are you? +Alpha Epsilon Mu house at Brighton U. +I'll be right over. +Hold on, pal. +Come on, Roger. +Where are you going, dear? +They're holding Ed in a sorority house. +Max Trellefas just phoned. +Who's Max Trellefas? +I don't know. +Probably the house mother. +Wilbur, I suggest I handle this. +I've had experience with sororities in my time. +I don't need any help. +Now, I'm telling you, you'll never get in. +Well, what can I do for you? +I'm Mrs. Davis, the house mother. +May I please come in for a moment? +I'm sorry. +No men are allowed in this house after 8 o'clock. +I'm afraid I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +I'm afraid I can't. +Well, I can't, either. +If I were you, I would leave this house after 8 o'clock. +But you've got my horse in there. +If I were you, I'd go home and sleep it off. +Now may I show you the proper approach? +These women have to be handled with dignity and authority. +How do you do? +My name is Roger Addison. +And I... +I gotta get in there. +Nobody can get by that female fullback except a woman. +Wait a minute. Roger. +I gotta get Ed out of there. +And I think I have an idea. +Come on. +Wilbur, I know you love that horse, but I think this scheme of yours is absolutely ridiculous. +I just gotta get my horse out. +This is my only chance. +It's impossible, unfeasible, unworkable. +And my apologies, madam. +Your mother-in-law's clothes fit me pretty good, eh? +Much better than they fit her. +Roger, forgive my bursting in like this, but I was so worried about Wilbur. +He seems so upset. +Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had company. +Oh, uh, Mrs. Post, may I present Maxine Trelafas, the sorority housemother. +How do you do? +Where's Kay? +At a meeting, as usual. +Well, if you hear from Wilbur, will you let me know? +Oh, of course, surely. +Nice to have met you, Mrs. +Trelafas. +When Kay gets back, I'll tell her you called. +Thank you, Roger. +Bye-bye. +Bye. +Oh, boy, that was a close call. +I'll see you later, Roger. Now I know this is gonna work. +Not if you walk like that. +Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams and I'm shopping for a sorority for my daughter. +Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams and I'm shopping for a sorority for my daughter. +Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams. +Hello, I'm Mrs. Adams. +Hello, I'm Mrs. Pentecost. +Oh, do come in, we've been expecting you. +Come in, Mrs. Pentecost. +Pentecost. +Yes. +Girls, this is Miss Pentecost. +Oh, how do you do? +Nice to meet you, Miss Pentecost. +We're all eagerly awaiting your lecture tomorrow morning. +Well, thank you very much. +You know, I think ornithology is a brilliant science, and I'm sure the girls will just love it. +I will, too. +Rory, would you please zip me up? +Oh, surely. +Excuse me. +I'm so happy that you decided to let our sorority put you up for the night. +The night? +Yes. +Oh, but I didn't bring any... any... at all. +Miss Pentecost, you can use one of my nighties. +Your nighties? +Oh, well, I never sleep. +I stay up all night. +Wonderful, then we can all have a pajama party. +Great idea. +Yes. +How about it? +Yes. +Well, I'll go and get some milk and cookies. +Not on my account. +No trouble at all. +Ornithology is such a fascinating subject. +It sure is. +Please tell us about the blue-tailed finch. +Well, I've... I've never been there. +Is the food good? +Oh, what a delightful sense of humor. +Hello? +What? +They did? +Oh, that's awful. +Thanks, Tommy. +What's wrong? +That's funny. +The dean knows we've got a horse in our basement. +He's on his way over here right now. +But how could he possibly know? +Somebody must have squealed on us. +Yeah, but who? +Oh, we've got to get rid of that horse right away. +Oh, please, Miss Pentecost, not a word to Mrs. Davis. +You see, if she... +Girls, girls, no need to worry. +You just tell me where the basement is, +and I will get rid of the horse for you, +and no one will ever know. +That's wonderful. +You see, not only do I love birds, I also love horses. +Come on, I'll show you the way. +Yes. +Oh, girls, girls, please. +Why don't you just stay here and sort of keep watch? +I'll find my own way. +You keep watch. +Hello, Ed. It's me. +Scram, Grandma. +Look, I've come to take you home. Let's go. +Keep your powder dry, Bloomer Girl. +Get out of here. +You don't need to be the mascot. +No thanks to you. +What do you mean, no thanks to me? +All the trouble I went to to get in here, +and you say no thanks to me? +Well, who do you think squealed? +Who do you think phoned and told the dean I was here? +You? +Yes, Grandma Wilma. +Let's go, Ed. +Getting late, honey. Aren't you coming to bed? +In a minute, dear. +You've been looking at yourself for 20 minutes. +I'm wondering what I'll look like when I get old. +You'll always be beautiful. +I hope so. +I was over to the Addisons this evening, +and I saw the saddest-looking little old lady. +Come on, Ed. Little old lady, huh? +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E07 Ed the Lover.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E07 Ed the Lover.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c563fa8 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E07 Ed the Lover.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,518 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +Hello, Mrs. Paulson. +Hello, Henry. +Mind signing this, please? +Thank you. +There you are. +Thank you. +Oh, would you please put the hay in the back? +Hello, Carol. +Of course. +Oh, hi, Kate. +Say, would you like some coffee and cake? +Oh, no, sweetie. +I just started a new diet, and I'll have to cut down on it. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I just started a new diet, and I'll have to cut down on some things. +So, uh, just make a cake. +You know, when I'm on a diet, I eat like a horse. +Not as much as our horse. +Do you know that's the fourth load of hay this week for Mr. Ed? +Your horse has it pretty soft. +He doesn't work, he takes naps all day, and he never stops eating. +And I thought being a wife was the best racket. +Well, love and learn. +Hi, I'm on a diet, not a hunger strike. +Carol, Carol. +Oh, hi. +Hi, Kate. +Hi, Wilbur. +Carol, did I get a call from Fred Briggs while I was gone? +No, honey. +That's funny. +He said he'd call. +Plans for his beach house are ready. +Fred Briggs, isn't he the man who directs all those western movies? +That's right. +When you meet him, you don't know whether to shake hands or draw. +Honey, I noticed a truffle with a hay outside. +Did you order that? +Me? +I thought you did. +No, I didn't order it. +Then the horse must have ordered it. +You know, I wouldn't put it past Ed. +Oh, I mean, I did order it. +I forgot. +Excuse me. +Carol, I read that Fred Briggs is starting another picture. +Maybe you can get him to hire Mr. Ed. +Hire Mr. Ed? +That's a wonderful idea. +That way, your horse can earn his keep. +Can he do any tricks? +Well, he has two specialties. +Eating and sleeping. +You, uh, you phoned the feed store again, didn't you, Ed? +I thought I told you that I was the one to give the orders around here. +That's the fourth load of hay we've had delivered this week. +Well, I'm hungry. +How come other horses don't eat as much as you do? +Because they can't phone the feed store. +I'm not trying to starve you. +I would just like to know what is going on around here. +Oh, please, Wilbur. +Do I yell when you eat? +Wilbur, Kay just had the most marvelous idea. +When Mr. Briggs comes over, +why don't you ask him if he'll hire Mr. Ed for his new resting? +Gee, honey, I don't know. +But we have nothing to lose. +Well, honey, at least that way he'll be helping to pay his own way. +You know, all that hay he eats is costing us a fortune. +I don't know, honey. +I mean, Mr. Briggs is coming over to take a look at these plans for his new beach house. +I mean, it doesn't seem ethical to ask him for a personal favor. +Well, think about it, Wilbur, huh? +Hello, neighbor. +Hi, Roger. +What do you think? +The Briggs beach house? +Yeah. +Oh, boy, fine. +Yeah, great. +Hey, that's quite a racket you got there, you know that? +Build a man a house and rent him a horse at the same time. +Oh, that? +Oh, no, no. +I told Carol to forget about Kay's idea. +Kay's idea? +Don't tell me my dear little wife has been interfering in your life again. +Oh, take it easy, Roger. +She meant well. +The road to Reno is paved with good intentions. +You know, it's time that wife of mine learned... +Look, don't start any arguments with Kay on my account. +I mean, I told Carol that I am not sending Ed to work, and that is that. +Honey? +Hello, Fred. +Oh, hi, Wilbur. +Fred, this is my neighbor, Roger Addison. +This is Fred Briggs. +How do you do, Mr. Briggs? +Honey, guess what? +Mr. Briggs said he'd use Mr. Edna's new movie. +I'm afraid my horse will not be available for your picture, Fred. +Okay, anything you say. +Now, about these plans... +Wilbur, I think I'll run along. +Mr. Briggs, nice to meet you. +Yes, my pleasure. +And I'll see you folks tonight for bridge. +My wife needs a few tips first. +She needs some instructions on how to be a dummy. +Bye, Roger. +Bye. +Kay, I like what you've done with the rumpus room. +Thanks, but my idea carried further along. +Will you please get us some coffee, Carol? +Yes. +And a carload of hay for Mr. Ed. +As I was saying, I like the rumpus room. +Wilbur, will you stop harping on Kay? +I think her idea was very good about putting Mr. Ed to work. +Now, please open that bridge table. +The Addisons will be here any minute. +You know, the next time we agree on something, I wish you would stick to it. +I thought I was doing you a favor. +Well, you weren't. +Honey, I still say there's nothing wrong in Mr. Ed paying his way. +Fine. +Ed makes a few dollars and Briggs knocks a few hundred off the price of my plans. +You're just being stubborn. +I don't think so. +Before we were married, you agreed that I would make all the decisions about money in this family. +All right. From now on, you can. +Fine. +Would you put that in writing? +No. +I knew you didn't mean it. +Wilbur, you're just being impossible tonight. +You started it. +You're always listening to Kay. +Oh, you and your arguments. This is all your fault. +I didn't know what I was doing, and you made me do it. +I'm going for everything around here. +Look, now, let's try to be civil while the Addisons are here. +Let's not show them how happy we are. +Now, Kay, I want you to promise me that you won't interfere in their lives again. +I did not interfere. +Why do you have to make the whole world miserable? +I'm married to you. Let's keep it in the family. +Oh, you stuffy. +Oh, hello, Carol. +Hi, Connie. +Come, darling. +Hi, Loki. +Oh, Wilbur, bridge, bridge, bridge. +You look beautiful. +Well, thank you. +Roger. +Well, what would you like? +What would I like? +The usual. +What would you like, sweetheart? +Nothing for me, darling. +Nothing for me either, sweetheart. +Wilbur, why are you limping? +Oh, it's not easy to open a bridge table, is it, honey? +No, sweetheart. +No, sweetheart. +Addison, one leg is a little crooked. +I knew that when I married you. +Nut. +What did you say, dear? +Have a nut. +Oh, thank you, sweetheart. +I'll fix the table, Kay. +Roger? +Thank you. +Magazine's out of balance. +There we are. +Pardon me. +Oh, Roger, why don't you sit here facing your wife +and I'll sit here facing my wife? +There we are. +Cut for deal? +Darling, the table is still wobbly. +Addison, will you fix it? +Your wish is my command, dear heart. +Roger, cut. +Thank you. +Oh! +Look what you've done, you clumsy... +doll. +It was an accident, sweetheart. +Don't blame him, Kay. +I told Wilbur the table was still wobbly. +I'm going to change. +Maybe we can play some other night. +Yes, perhaps tomorrow night. +Darling, be careful. +I don't want you to catch cold outside. +You spilled that drink on purpose, you lummox. +What a stupid remark to make. +Are you calling me stupid? +You called me a nut in there, +and I warned you. +You'd better put on my coat, darling. +Kay, you forgot your bag. +Oh, thank you, Wilbur. +Well, good night again. +Good night. +Good night, Wilbur. +Good night, Roger. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I'm going to change. +I've changed! +I've changed! +Oh, you're going to change. +I hope you're satisfied. +You've changed. +I hope you're satisfied. +I hope you're satisfied. +Bye. +I hope you're satisfied. +You ruined my whole evening. +You ruined my whole evening. +If it weren't for that darn horse, +We wouldn't even be arguing. +We wouldn't even be arguing. +Honey, what's happening to us? +Honey, what's happening to us? +What are we arguing about? +What are we arguing about? +Don't you know that I love you? +Don't you know that I love you? +Oh. +What are we arguing about? +A silly thing like putting Mr. Ed to work. +That's silly. +He doesn't have to work. +Then give me one good reason why he shouldn't. +Because I make enough money +to support a wife and a horse. +When we got married, +it should have been a three ring ceremony. +Oh, that's ridiculous. +A horse wearing a ring. +Hello, information. +I'd like the number of Fred Briggs in Beverly Hills. +Whatever happened to good morning? +Carol and I had a few words again last night. +PHONE RINGS +Well... +Excuse me, Ed. +Hello? +Wilbur, my secretary just gave me your message. +We'll pick up your horse tomorrow morning at 6. +My horse? +But listen, Fred... +Oh, don't bother to thank me, Wilbur. +It was a pleasure. +Look, I must get back on the set. +Goodbye. +That was Fred Briggs. +Carol went behind my back again. +She didn't call. +I called. +You? +That's right. +But I thought you didn't want to go to work. +Changed my mind. +You... You're just trying to get me to work. +Trying to keep peace in the family, aren't you? +Please, don't slobber over me. +I'm going to kill Carol. +Honey? +Honey, I've decided to send Ed to work. +Oh, Wilbur, you're such a wonderful husband. +Honey, honey, honey. +Don't talk, just kiss me. +I will if you'll stop sponging me. +Now I know how Kay felt when Roger spilled the drink on her. +I'm so terrible about that. +Here we've made up and they're still not talking +all on account of us. +Maybe we should go and try to get them together. +Oh, let's. +Honey, you're so thoughtful. +Yeah, yeah. +Lucky for me we didn't make up while you were slicing bread. +Is this the only dirty spot in the house under my legs? +Don't talk to me. +Sir. +Do you intend to strike me? +I sneezed. +You could have said gesundheit. +But you just gave me specific instructions +not to talk to you. +Still, you could be civil. +When one of us sneezes, the other sneezes. +I'm sorry, I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +When one of us sneezes, the other should say gesundheit. +Forgive me, my dear, I've forgotten the rules of war. +In the nine years we've been married, I... +Nineteen years. +I don't count the ten years we weren't speaking. +Now, my paper, please. +Well, I see the rules have just been amended. +Aren't you going to answer the door? +Not until you gesundheit me. +Good morning. +Well, this is a pleasant surprise. +Hi, Carol. +Hello, Wilbur. +Okay. +Hi, Roger. +Have you made up yet? +Nice to see a friendly face around here. +Well, we just dropped by to tell you Ed's going to work. +Well. +He starts that picture tomorrow. +Good. +What made you choose to come here? +Well, I just thought I'd give you a little surprise. +I'm going to be a doctor. +I'm going to be a doctor. +I'm just going to be a doctor. +What made you change your mind? +I didn't want Carol to be unhappy. +We just feel awful when we're not talking. +Gesundheit, my dear. +Gesundheit to you, darling. +All right. +This is a run-through, everybody. +Get set, Brannigan. +Uh-oh. +What's going on, girl? +I don't know. +Uh-oh. +All right. +Roll them. +Roll them. +Okay. +Action. +Okay. +Action. +Well, where's the horse? +Hmm. +Get that horse back where he belongs. +Right away. +Great. +All right. +Let's try it again. +Okay. +Ready, Brannigan? +Ready. +Charles? +All right. +Roll them. +Roll them. +Okay. +Action. +Action. +Stop! +What's with that horse? +Maybe those gunshots are scaring him, Mr. Briggs. +Uh, could be. +Bring him back. +Yes, sir. +Brannigan, don't fire your gun this time. +We can put in the shots later. +That's very good thinking, Mr. Briggs. +Thank you. +All right, let's go. +Charles. +All right, roll. +Roll. +Action. +Action. +Lunch, everybody. +Who told you to call lunch? +I didn't say anything, Mr. Briggs. +It must have been that same wise guy. +All right, everybody, take a five-minute break. +All right, everybody, five minutes. +Five minutes, everybody. +Hiya, Fred. How's my horse doing? +Well, we've had our share of trouble. +What's he doing over there? +I'll get him away. +Come on, Ed. +How's it going, Ed? +I'm quitting. +Get my unemployment insurance. +What's that? +They want me to carry a 250-pound cowboy on my back. +I'm not going to do that. +I'm going to get a job. +I've got a 250-pound cowboy on my back. +I'll be bull-legged in two days. +Uh-oh. Here comes hot lips again. +Isn't this Daphne, the star of this picture? +No, honey, I'm not interested. +Ed, easy. +She's worth a fortune. +When I marry, it'll be for love, not money. +Is Daphne here with this horse again? +George, I thought I told you to get her ready. +I'm sorry, Mr. Briggs. Come on. +Now, uh... +Fred, maybe Ed isn't cut out for movies. +You want me to take him home? +I'm glad you asked me. +Frankly, I don't think your animal is too bright. +Now he's a little bit nervous, you see. +This is his first time in front of a camera. +Incidentally, I have the revised sketches for the beach house whenever you have time. +Oh, good, good. I'll drop around when I'm free. +Okay, everybody, let's go. +Lunch! +Oh, here you are. Fresh cotton. +Thanks. +Sweetie, how long will Mr. Ed be in that picture? +About six weeks. +Wouldn't it be wonderful if he became famous? +Oh, I can see your horse now. +Walking down Hollywood Boulevard, wearing dark glasses, signing autographs. +What an imagination. +Carol, honey, do you think it would be possible for Wilbur +to get us past us to watch him at the studio? +Well, why go to all that trouble? Just turn your head and look. +Wilbur, what's he doing home? +Honey, it just didn't work out. +Excuse me. +Why? What happened? +Well, they were working him pretty hard and Ed was unhappy. +Unhappy? +If you ask me, you never wanted that horse to go to work in the first place. +Look, I never butt in, but I... +Gesundheit, sweetheart. +I didn't sneeze. +You can do it in the house. Come on. +So you went back on your word. +Honey. +Come in. +Oh, hello, Wilbur. +Ed, come in. +Sit down, Ed. +No. +What's the matter? +I may have to cancel my plans for the beach house. +Why? What happened? +It looks as though I may have to stop production on my picture. +Daphne suddenly got sick. +Sick? +Oh, that's funny. +She seemed all right yesterday. +That's just it. The vet can't seem to find anything wrong with her. +She just mopes around. +Fred, I have a hunch what might be wrong with Daphne. +You have? What? +I think she's got a crush on my horse. +Is that possible? +I mean, with horses? +You've heard about the birds and the bees. +The horses are in on it, too. +No, no, no. +Daphne was hanging around your horse all day yesterday. +Maybe you're right. Can I get him back on the picture? +Well, uh, do I finish my plans? +Yeah, sure. You got yourself a house. +You got yourself a horse. +Oh, uh, may I use your phone? +It's right behind you. +Hello, mate. Is George around? +Yes, I'll wait. +Uh, Fred, there are a few little conditions that you'll have to meet. +You want more money? +No, no, no, no. It's about that 6 a.m. schedule. +My horse likes to sleep late. +Okay, we'll make it 7. +We better make it 8. +No, I mean 9. +Okay, 9. +And no heavy cowboys in hand. +Maybe up to... +110 pounds. +But no heavier. +No lunches. He likes plenty of carrots. +Not the green part. Cut that out. +Well, but doesn't Mr. Ed look handsome standing there? +He sure does. +Okay, Charles. +All right. Places, everybody. +Places, everybody. +Fred, did you make that little change in the script the way we discussed? +Yes. Yes. +Okay, let's have a run-through. +Run-through. Places, everybody. +Action. Action. +Action. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E08 Pageant Show.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E08 Pageant Show.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..978be53 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E08 Pageant Show.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,430 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Hooray! +Wilbur, here's the... +All right, girls, at the sound of the bell, I want you both to come out fighting. +I'm going to listen to my husband and come as a hunchback of Notre Dame. +Why didn't you tell me you were coming as carmen? +Well, I've been trying to phone you since last night, but your line's been busy. +That's funny. +You haven't used the phone. +I thought so. +Wilbur, you left the phone off the hook in the barn again. +Must have been that horse. +I mean, he must have knocked it off accidentally. +I'll go and look. +Excuse me. +Is Wilbur coming to the pageant? +No. +Is Roger? +No, I'm meeting with a little resistance. +As soon as I bring up the subject, he locks himself in the bathroom. +It's no fun without Wilbur. +I wish I could think of some way to convince him to come along. +Well, there is a way, darling. +What? +Before I tell you, one of us will have to resign from the Carmen Club. +Well? +Hey! +You left the phone off the hook again. +So I made a mistake. +I'm only human. +Why do you keep using that phone? +I get lonely here all by myself. +Yeah, well, Carol is blaming me, and I'm getting tired of your negligence. +Ed, it is time you and I had a man-to-man talk. +Okay. +Take off the apron. +Well, I was just helping Carol with the dishes. +Wilbur! +Yes, Roger? +Now, don't let me interrupt your work. +I thought maybe you might like to play golf Saturday. +Not a bad idea. +Now, the girls will be leaving for that parade about 12. +We can tell them how beautiful they look, how sorry we are we can't join them, +and then laugh all the way to the golf course. +What do you say? +Great. +See you later. +Hey, you know it's impossible to get you on the telephone? +Uh-oh. +Ed, if you use that phone once more, I am pulling it out. +You understand? +Yes, master. +You forgot your apron, honey. +Hey, what do you think? Isn't it beautiful? +It's gorgeous. +Oh, darling, you'll make a beautiful lane. +Oh, thanks. +But what good is a lane without Sir Lancelot? +Here's the book. +Just do what I told you. +Tell him he looks like Sir Lancelot. +But he doesn't. +Wilbur's too smart. +You can't soft-soap him. +It'll work. +Maybe with your husband, but not with mine. +Oh, for heaven's sake, Carol. +Here he comes now. +Oh, good. +Oh, hi, Wilbur. +Hi, honey. +Look, look at my new costume. +Oh, that's beautiful. +What's the matter? +I'm having quite a resemblance. +What, what, what? +Here, let me see your profile. +Oh, I wouldn't have believed it. +Carol, wait till you see. +It is simply the most marvelous thing I've ever seen in all my life. +Let me see the other side. +Just as good from the other side. +Oh, it's just marvelous. +Oh, here, do you have it? +Goodbye, Kate. +Thank you very much. +Yeah. +Same face. +It's the same face, but I'll tell you what it is, dear. +Oh, for heaven's sake. +What, what, what's the resemblance? +Oh, it's silly. +What, what, what, what's silly? +Kate says you look just like Sir Lancelot. +What's so silly about that? +Same face. +Well, well, in that light, there is a resemblance. +I mean, if I had a spear in my hand, there'd be no doubt about it. +Get up, Merlin. +Here's your spear, honey. +Thank you. +That's no way to hand anybody a spear. +With a spear, the straw goes at that end. +Coward! +Oh, that's wonderful, honey. +Now, would you show Harold Jensen how to hold a spear? +Harold Jensen? +You're going to let Harold Jensen be your knight at the pageant? +Oh, he doesn't look anything like me. +No, he doesn't, dear. +I mean, whoever heard about pot-bellied Sir Lancelot? +Charge! +Please listen to me. +I've got to find a Don Jose by tomorrow. +Oh, my dear, how about me? +Oh, you're not listening. +I... +You? +Of course. +I'd make a beautiful toreador. +Ah-ha, toro. +Vamos, torito. +Ah-ha, oh, yee. +Oh, Addison, I'd have never dreamed of asking you, but you'd be perfect. +Why, naturally. +I have the figure, the bearing, the carriage, and look at these legs. +Can you imagine these two beauties in silk stockings? +Oh, Addison, thank you so much. +My dear, think nothing of it, because I won't be there. +Addison, that was a dirty trick leading me on. +My dear, you're going to have to find another Don Jose, because this bullfighter is going to play golf Saturday. +Very well. +I won't go to the pageant. +Suit yourself, my dear. +I'm going to go on the biggest shopping spree you ever saw. +Where do I go for my Don Jose costume? +Hello, Ed. +Hmm. +What's new? +Don't know. +I missed the morning newscast. +I tried to catch up with you, Wilbur. +Hello, Roger. +What are you limping for? +Oh, I was practicing putting in my backyard for our game tomorrow, and I twisted my ankle. +Oh, that's a shame. +I was looking forward to beating you, too. +Sorry, old man. +Hello, Roger. +Hello, Carol. +Honey, your costume will be ready in about 30 minutes. +Oh. +Good. +Costume? +Didn't he tell you? +No. +He's going to be Sir Lancelot in the pageant. +Him? +Celeste? +Oh, boy. +What's so funny? +Kay is waiting for you to try on your costume. +His costume? +Didn't he tell you? +No. +Well, he's coming as Don Jose, the bullfighter. +Oh. +Oh, I forgot something. +Don Jose, the bullfighter. +Hey, that's cute. +How did you get roped into this? +Kay hit me in my weak spot, my money belt. +How about you? +Just stupidity. +See you later, Lancelot. +Bye, Don Jose. +Don Jose. +Lancelot. +What fools these mortals be. +Ed, there are times when a man has to give in to his wife. +No wife of mine would make me parade five miles in a hot sun. +Wilbur, here's part of the outfit Miss Ed's going to wear. +Oh, so Ed is going to march in the parade, too, huh? +Well, Elaine and Sir Lancelot need a horse, so I figured we might as well use Miss Ed. +Good idea. +I mean, after all, why should we walk five miles in the hot sun when we can ride on the back of good old Ed? +Look, aren't these pretty? +Bells and tassels and plumes. +Yes. +You know, we could tie a great big red bow in his tail. +Harold, I want to talk to you. +I tried to get you on the phone, but your line was busy. +Look. +Wilbur. +That does it. +I warned you. +What? +I warned you. +I did. +I warned her that if I did this once more, I'd take the phone out, and I'm going to. +Hello, operator. +I would like to have an extension phone removed, please. +The name is Wilbur Post. +The address is 17340 Valley Boulevard. +Charge! +Hey! +What are you doing? +Sorry, I was practicing with my spear. +That's nice, sonny. +Oh, will you tell your mother the telephone man is here to take out the phone? +Hmm? +Hmm? +Look, I'm Mr. Post, the owner. +The phone is in the bar. +Oh, right over there. +Thank you. +Why are we whispering? +I don't want him to know the phone is coming out. +You don't? +Who? +The horse. +The horse? +He doesn't want the phone to come out. +The horse doesn't? +That's right. +Look, sonny, will you play with your spear and let me get the phone out? +Leave that phone alone. +Hello, stupid. +Who's that? +Where are you? +On the roof. +Do you want the phone in or out? +In. +Go home. +What are you doing? +Playing games with me? +Playing games? +Yeah. +First you tell me to leave the phone in, then you tell me to pull it out? +Make up your mind, will you? +Oh, well, I'm sorry. There's been a misunderstanding. +You can take the phone out. +I must have done something real bad when I was a kid. +Ed, that phone is going out. +If it does, I don't walk in the parade. +Is that supposed to be a threat? +You can ride on a big dog for all I care. +You are going to be in that parade. +You'll have to carry me. +Oh, Carol, you look lovely. +Oh, thank you. +So do you. +Thank you. +Where's Roger? +Oh, he's right... +Oh, Addison, come on in. +Kate, if I didn't go, how much shopping would you do? +Six hours and four credit cards. +Olé. +This is the last time I buy a suit off the rack. +At last, they're putting men up in cans. +Wilbur, all we can do is pray for rain. +Please. This suit is not guaranteed against rust. +When I'm ready, you better get Mr. Ed dressed. +My lance locked. +Uh-oh, here he comes. +I'm going to teach that phone puller a lesson. +Come on, Ed, it's time for the parade. +It's growing dark. +Where is everybody? +Ed, they're waiting. I've got to get you dressed. +Is that you, Mother? +Get up and stop horsing around. +I hear voices, but not on the phone. +Ed, for the last time... +Please, you're yelling at a sick horse. +I brought some extra milk. +What's wrong with Mr. Ed? +He is perfectly all right. +Wilbur, he's coughing. Maybe I better call a vet. +There is nothing wrong with him. +Then why is he coughing? +He's faking, Carol. Believe me. +Oh, honey, I know you're thinking of me, +but we can't go off and leave Mr. Ed when he's sick like that. +There'll be other pageants. Let's forget about it. +I'll go call a vet. +No, Carol, please. +Oh, that was a dirty trick. +Are you going to let her miss that parade? +Is that you, Mother? +Mother? +Oh, brother. +I absolutely refuse to wear this ridiculous ponytail. +But darling, all bullfighters wear that funny little hairpiece. +Some of them also get gored, but we've got to stop some place. +Okay. +I have bad news. Mr. Ed is sick. +Oh, the poor thing. +We can't leave him alone, so you two better go on without us. +He's not missing the pageant. +I'm afraid so. +Well, well, how do you feel today, old fella? +Oh! +Oh! +Hmm? Doesn't look bad at all. +Nice color. +Huh? Lymph nodes feel all right. +I still say he's faking. +You better not be too sure of that, Mr. Post. +After all, the poor thing can't talk, you know. +But... +Is he all right, Doctor? +Heart feels fine. +Sounds very good. +I think all this fellow needs is a good shot of vitamins. +Now, be afraid, old fellow. +Dr. Connors isn't going to hurt you. +This won't hurt one bit, though. +I told you he was all right. +Come on, honey, you better tell the Addison's. +Doctor, do you think he's all right to leave for a few hours? +Oh, he seems fine. +Well, if you're sure... +Come on, honey. +PHONE RINGS +Hello? +Oh, hi, Wilbur. +Really? +Wonderful. +Oh, Addison, the horse is all right, and we're going to the pageant. +Lee? +Mr. Ed. +Oh, come on. Don't worry. +Dr. Connors knows what he's doing. +Mr. Post! Mr. Post! +Mr. Post! +What happened? +Your horse pushed me down. +I think he wanted to sit on me. +Wilbur, I just knew there was something wrong with Mr. Ed. +But he showed no symptoms at all. +He must be psychologically disturbed. +Doctor, do you know of any horse-sitting service? +Honey, that's a wonderful idea. +Doctor, would you mind staying with Mr. Ed till we get back? +Well, I could be back, but it would cost you so much. +It'll be worth it. +Honey, I know how much this pageant means to you. +Yes, but we still need a horse. +I'll rent one from the Brunswick Stables. +They're right down the road. You call the Addisons. I'll be right back. +Come on, Doctor. +So they got someone else. +Well, I'll fix him. +Oh, Carol, hold still, will you? You're rigging like a fish. +Would you please get that? +I can't get the pin in. Wait a minute, will you? +Let me know if I hit your brain. +Did I? +I'm Dr. Connors. +How do you do, Doctor? Come in. +Hello, Doctor. +Sorry I couldn't get here any sooner. +Oh, we really appreciate you coming back. +That's perfectly all right. +Excuse me. I'll call my husband. +Wilbur! Dr. Connors is here. +Coming, honey. +Giddyap, Josephine. +Honey, look! +Now we can't go. +What's the use? I better tell the Addisons. +Don't call us. We'll call you. +Come, Carmen. +Well, I'll tell Dr. Connors we don't need him anymore. +Hello, Miss Dad. +How do you feel, huh? +Oh, you've had a rough day, haven't you? +I know what was the matter with you. +You were lonesome, weren't you? +Oh, I'm so sorry. +Oh, you're a good horse. +Honey. +I didn't know you liked Ed that much. +Well, I feel sorry for him. +I'll bet if he knew how happy it would make you, +he'd want to go to the pageant. +Well, I just wonder if he's well enough. +Look! +He's his old self again. +He is. +Tell the Addisons. +All right. +You tell them. +Okay. +Let's tell them together. +Good morning, Ed. +Good morning. +I've been thinking, Ed. +That was a real nice gesture going to the pageant yesterday. +It sure was. +You know, if you promise to behave, +I'll put the phone back in the barn, okay? +You've got my word. +Okay, I'll go in the house and call the company. +Wilbur, use the phone in the office. +Okay. +Hey. +Who phoned the company to put this back? +Ed? +It's growing dark. +Where is everybody? +Is that you, Mother? +Hmm? +JAPOAN +Booyakity yak a streak and waste your time a day +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this! +I am Mr. Ed +The End +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E09 The Aunt.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E09 The Aunt.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0a37cd8 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E09 The Aunt.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,491 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. +Talk to Mr. A. +Get back in the barn, Ed. +That was no horse, that was my wife. +Lemonade and cookies for the master of the house. +You're not going to lift a finger during your vacation. +Nobody has worked harder than you have finishing those plans for the Quigley Medical Building. +Another bite of cookie, please. +You're not going to do a thing. +Napkin. +Yes, my lord. +Just rest and enjoy the sun. +Now I want you to take a nice long nap. +Carol. +Yes, dear. +Close my eyes. +Boy, this is what I call living. +Not enough sugar. +Oh, I'm sorry, honey. +Did I disturb you? +How was the lemonade? +Not enough sugar. +Would you like another glass? +No, thank you, honey. +No. +Will you just relax? +Rest. +Isn't she a wonderful wife? +Boy, there's nothing like marriage. +Big deal. +One week off, 51 weeks slaving. +No, you're wrong, Ed. +It's a great life. +There's nothing like having a wonderful wife. +Someone to come home to at night. +Someone to share your sorrows, your joys, your... +You've been out in the hot sun too long. +Hi, Roger. +Maybe a week's vacation isn't enough. +Well, sit down, neighbor. +Oh, no. +I couldn't get up again. +Where's Kay? +She's waiting for me. +My dear wife has had me rearranging furniture all morning. +Not again. +You're probably ready for a week's rest yourself. +If that woman has me move one more stick of furniture, hello, dear, where do you want +me to move the couch? +Addison, doll, I just realized where the piano really belongs. +Carnegie Hall? +Near the bookshelf. +And I promise you, sweets, this will be the last move. +It better be, because the next move is me out of the house. +Oh, come on, muscles. +Yes? +It's for you. +Thanks, Ed. +Hello? +Wilbur Honey, this is your Aunt Martha. +Aunt Martha? +Well, where are you calling from? +From the railroad station, dear. +The railroad station? +Yes. +Didn't you get my letter? +No, Aunt Martha, we weren't expecting you, but it's wonderful. +I'll be right down to pick you up. +How's Carol? +Oh, she's fine, Aunt Martha. +Look, where will I pick you up? +Well, I'll meet you where they stack the trunks and suitcases. +The old bag up front will be your Aunt Martha. +Goodbye, dear. +I won't be long. +Oh, my. +One does get so grumpy, doesn't one? +Right this way, Aunt Martha. +Thank you, dear. +You know, I simply cannot understand what could have happened to my letter. +It must have gotten lost. +No, it's not important. +How long will you be able to stay with us, Aunt Martha? +Oh, a few days. +I'll be back in a few days. +I'll be back in a few days. +I'll be back in a few days. +I'll be back in a few days. +I'll be back in a few days. +Oh, that's not important, how long will you be able to stay with us, Aunt Martha? +Oh, I just love your house. +Stick them up, stick them up. +Isn't Tootsie clever? +It's a hose, it's a hose. +Where did she learn that? +Oh, she just loves to watch those detective stories on television. +Oh, how cute. +Isn't it amazing how a bird can tongue? +I don't know, I got a horse. +Drinks lemonade, eats hay, trots. +Isn't that nice? +That's my Wilbur, he still has the same imagination he had as a little boy. +Don't you, Weeby? +Weeby? +When Wilbur was a little boy. +Please, Aunt Martha. +He was so cute. +I used to bounce him up and down on my knee and I'd say, what's your name, honey? +Well, he couldn't say Wilbur, so he used to say, Weeby. +Weeby, Weeby. +Shall we go in? +Look at that gorgeous backyard. +You know, that's what I like about it. +Wilbur did all the landscaping himself. +He did? +That's right. +It only cost me $200 more than if I'd hired a gardener. +That's my same little Weeby. +Honey, would you please get the suitcases? +Yeah. +Aunt Martha. +Yes, dear? +I'll show you to your room. +I'm sure after that long trip, you'd like a nice rest. +Rest? +In all the wonderful places there are to see in California? +Oh, no, my dear. +Not at all. +Now then, I've made out a little list. +Aunt Martha, this week is Wilbur's vacation. +Oh, how wonderful. +Then I won't be interfering with your work while you're showing me around. +That's right, Aunt Martha. +Isn't it, Carol? +Yes, Weeby. +Aunt Martha, the bedrooms are upstairs. +I'll show you to... +Oh, fine. +I'd like to take my jacket and hat off. +It's all too heavy. +I'll get the suitcases. +Anybody home? +Stick them up! +Stick them up! +It's a holdup! +It's a holdup! +Don't shoot. +Please, don't shoot. +Stick them up! +Stick them up! +They are up. +My money's in my left-hand pocket. +Stick them up! +Stick them up! +Don't do anything rash, Deborah. +Don't do anything rash. +Get your hands up. +Roger. +Are you afraid of that loudmouth bird? +When I get through with him, he'll be behind bars. +No, don't antagonize him. +He's armed. +Look behind you. +It's a parrot. +What? +Then who took my money? +I did, doll. +There's $20 missing. +It's a holdup! +It's a holdup! +If I had pretty Polly, I'd have a mink coat in no time. +I'd have him stuffed. +Where did you get him, Wilbur? +In a police lineup? +Hims or her. +Tootsie, Aunt Martha's parrot. +Aunt Martha? +Having company? +Just arrived. +She's a wonderful person. +Practically brought me up. +Ah, here she is. +Hi. +Andy, I'd like you to meet my wonderful neighbors, Kay and Roger Addison. +This is my Aunt Martha. +How do you do? +How do you do? +Any friend of Weeby's is a friend of mine. +Weeby? +Oh, that's what he called himself when he was a baby. +He couldn't say Wilbur. +Oh, how precious. +Just adorable. +He was the most beautiful child I ever saw. +He had gorgeous blue eyes and long lashes and a head full of golden curls. +Long lashes and golden curls. +What a shame I didn't know you then. +I wasted my youth on Mary Pickford. +I'm sorry, I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +Uh, shall I take the parrot up to your room, Aunt Martha? +Oh. +Well, now, we're going to be out most of the time and I wouldn't want Tootsie to be alone. +Oh, we could put her in the barn with our horse. +A horse. +Why, that's perfect. +Tootsie loves animals. +Good. +Let's go, Tootsie. +Oh. +Wilbur is my favorite nephew. +I just know I'm going to enjoy this visit. +How long you staying, Aunt Martha? +Well, that depends. +Carol, I must see your picture. +Certainly, Aunt Martha. This way for the 25-cent tour. +Ah! Stick him up! It's a hold-up! It's a hold-up! +Stick him up! Ah! Ah! Ah! +A talking bird. What'll they think of next? +Ed, this is Tootsie, Aunt Martha's parent. +Tootsie's gonna be staying with you for a while. +Well, who sent for her? +Stick him up! +Ah! Shut your cotton-picking beak! +You might learn a few things from Tootsie. +She seems to be a very smart bird. +Yeah, and what's she doing in jail? Hmm? +Come on, Tootsie. +There. We'll put you right over here. +Honey, I'm starting lunch. Anything special? +Anything. Where's Aunt Martha? +In the living room, adding to that list of places she wants to see. +Kay and Roger went home. +Excuse me. +Darling, it's your vacation, don't you think? +Yeah, honey, it's your first trip, I hear. +Dear, she's a very sweet person, but you've been working so hard, you need the rest. +I'll get it when she leaves. +Oh, from the looks of that list, that won't be till after Christmas. +You're just exaggerating. Look, I'll show you how tired I am. +Where's my Tootsie? +Oh, now you mustn't be bashful in front of me. +Go ahead, Wilbur. Smooch. +Why, Wilbur, you're blushing. +Oh, he always was shy. +I remember when he was four years old at a birthday party, +a little girl tried to kiss him and he ran away and hid under the bed. +What's so fun... +What do you think of Mr. Ed? +Oh, he's a beautiful animal, but you can't beat a parrot when it comes to cleverness. +You are so right. +Well, I'd better start lunch. +Then later we can all sit on the patio and relax. +Relax? What are we, a bunch of old fogies? +Oh, no. Now, let's start doing the town right after lunch. +Wilbur is a bit tired and was planning to take it easy today. +Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I didn't realize that. +Well, now don't you worry, Wilbur. I can manage. +Well, wait a minute, though. I think I'd better drive you. +Oh, you don't have to, dear. Although the Addisons and I will miss you. +The Addisons? +Yes, yes. I invited them along, too. They're such a friendly couple. +Well, then it's only fair that we go in our car. Right, Carol? +Of course. +You've got yourself a wonderful wife. +Come on, dear. I'll help you fix lunch. +Weebie. +Ha, ha, ha. +Stick him up. Stick him up. +Ah, knock it off, stupid. +Stick him up. Stick him up. It's a holdup. It's a holdup. +Ah, stick him up. Stick him up. It's a holdup. It's a holdup. +Ah, ah, ah. +Oh, you taste good barbecued. +Will you quit teasing Tootsie? +This bird's driving me nuts. +Ed, you've been beefing for three days. +She's kept me up for three days. +Look at the circles under my eyes. +Well, you're just going to have to put up with Tootsie. That's all. +Stick him up. Stick him up. +Shut up. Is that all you know? +Good news, Wilbur. +Stick him up. +Stick him up. That's the second time in three days she's held you up. +Your Aunt Martha has just given us today's itinerary. +Oh, no. We've been on the go ever since she got here. +So far, the only thing I haven't seen is the city dump. +That's your first stop. +Oh. +No, seriously. Today she intends seeing Knott's Berry Farm and Disneyland. +Well, what's the good news? +I'm not going. +How did you get out of this? +Wilbur? +Yes, Aunt Martha? +Wilbur, dear, we're all ready to go to... +Oh, poor Roger. How's your neck now, dear? +Still stiff. +No, I'm awfully sorry I won't be able to go with you. +I've always wanted to see the city dump. +Oh, dear. Poor man. What he's going through. +All right, Wilbur, come on. Carol's waiting. +Yes. +Oh! +Where's the mother dog? +My back. I sprained it. +Oh, I know how to fix that. Turn around, dear. +And let your arms hang. +Yeah, well... +That's it. +Ooh! +There now. I told you we'd be home before midnight. +You're right, Aunt Martha. It's just two minutes to twelve. +We were lucky. The customs guard at the Mexican border let us right through. +Well, he knew I was an American the minute I said, merci beaucoup. +Isn't he cute? +Did I ever tell you I used to bounce him up and down on my knee when he was a little boy? +Yes, you did, Aunt Martha. +He was such a joy. He had the most gorgeous blue eyes. +Well, I'll be right back. Now, don't either of you go away. +Oh, we won't. +You used to bounce me up and down on your knee before she came. +Honey, I promise you, the minute she leaves, I'll bounce you all over the place. +Very funny. Do you know you haven't kissed me once today? +Well, get ready to chalk one up. +Oh, how sweet. +Now, I told you, you must be bashful in front of me. +Go ahead, Wilbert. Kiss her. +Thank you, Mr. Post. +What are you doing with the robe and slippers? +Oh, I thought I'd sleep down here on the couch tonight. +Don't you like your bedroom? +Did Carol make the beds wrong? +Oh, no. No. +I didn't want to bring it up, but it's that jasmine bush just outside my window. +Oh, I forgot your allergy. +Aunt Martha's allergic to jasmine. I should have remembered. +How's it going? +No, it doesn't. I'll go get a pillow and some blankets. +No, we can't let her sleep down here on the couch. +Then where will she sleep? +Well, there's no jasmine bush outside our window. She can sleep in our bedroom. +Won't we be a little crowded? +Oh, no. I'll sleep in Aunt Martha's room. +Now, why didn't I think of that? +Oh, now, Carol, Wilbert, I'll be perfectly comfortable down here. +Oh, no. I insist, Aunt Martha. It will give us a chance to get better acquainted. +Yes, and then I can show you the family album of pictures of Wilbert when he was a little boy. +That's wonderful. I can hardly wait to see his long, golden curls. +Oh, you'll just love them. +Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to say goodnight to Tootsie. +Well, you've just fulfilled the dream of every American girl, +to share her bedroom with her husband's aunt. +Honey, it'll just be for one night. +Let's just be friends. +We be. +We be. +One, two, cha-cha-cha. One, two, cha-cha-cha. +One, two, cha-cha-cha. One, two, cha-cha-cha. +One, two, cha-cha-cha. +Now, sleep well, dear. +I love you. +I love you. I love you. +Oh, you smart little birdie. +Good night, Tootsie. +If you're so smart, say Peter Piper pick a pick a pickle peppers. +Peter, Peter, Peter, pick them up. It's a hold up. +I knew it. You're stupid. +I love you. I love you. +Smart, huh? Well, I got a way to fix you, sister. +I love you. I love you. +Oh, Wilbur, my favorite jasmine bush. +Well, you want me to put it back? +No, no, no. Dig faster. +Welcome home, dear. +I'll go help Aunt Martha take her clothes back to her own bedroom. +Yeah. +Good morning, Wilbur. Hi, Roger. Oh, no, no, no, no. You shouldn't have done it. +What? They're bound to search for her. +Oh, Roger. Don't worry about me. I won't testify against you. +Wilbur, Wilbur. +Tootsie's gone. She's not here. +Oh, Wilbur. +Wilbur, Wilbur. +Wilbur, Wilbur. +Wilbur, Wilbur. +Wilbur, Wilbur. +She's gone. She's not here. +Tootsie, where are you? What do you mean, she's gone? +She's just gone. She's just not here. +The last time I saw her, she was in her cage right on this stool. +Aunt Martha, don't get excited. Now, we'll find her. +No, you don't think that a cat got her to the apartment bed? +It may take time, but I'm sure we'll find her. +I wouldn't sleep with that. +All right, Ed, what have you done with the parrot? +What parrot? +Ed, where did you hide that parrot? +You don't have a search warrant, but come on in and look. +Excuse me, Ed. +Wilbur, Wilbur. +Yes, Carol? +I just heard about Tootsie. +Do you think one of the kids in the neighborhood could have taken her? +Kids? +Just look. +I wonder if bird napping is a federal rap. +Well, I've scoured the neighborhood. +No sign of Tootsie. +Sure is a mystery. +Oh, here's Wilbur. Any luck? +No. +Aunt Martha's just sick about this. +You know, she went up to her room. +Why don't we buy her another parrot? +Won't help. +Aunt Martha just poured her heart out to me. +Do you know she's had Tootsie for 25 years? +That long? +Ever since her husband died. +That bird's been her closest friend all that time. +She must be a very lonely person. +She's always so happy. +I think that's a cover-up. +You know something else? +I don't think she sent us any letter. +I was thinking the same thing. +She was probably afraid we'd turn her down. +Come on, let's go cheer her up. +Hello? +Wilbur, Tootsie's back. +That's wonderful! +Thank you, officer. +Tootsie's back. +Aunt Martha, Tootsie's back! +I love you. I love you. +Stick him up. It's a hold-up. +Forgive me, Tootsie, for hiding you in that ash can. +Tootsie, sweetheart! +Yes, baby, where were you? +Yes, darling. +Where did you go? +I wonder who could have brought her back. +Yes, dear. +Yes, dear, sweet boy, but where were you, darling? +Mommy was... +Now, we'll talk about that. +Yes, I wonder who. +Ed, I just dropped by to tell you Aunt Martha had a wonderful visit. +You know, the Addisons really took a liking to her. +Well, good night, Ed. Sleep well. +Where are you going? +Why? +I'm lonely. Talk to me. +I've got to get some sleep. +Tootsie was never too busy to talk to me. +Talk to me. +You really miss her since Aunt Martha took her home, huh? +I can't sleep anymore without noise. +Talk to me. Come on, talk to me. +Okay, Ed. +Stick him up, stick him up! It's a whole rabbit! +People yakety yak the street and waste your time a day +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this! +I am Mr. Ed +The End +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E10 The Missing Statue.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E10 The Missing Statue.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bea5b1a --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E10 The Missing Statue.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,396 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Good morning, Ed. +I said good morning, Ed. +Sorry, my mind was on something else. +No. +Hello. +No, operator, nobody here put in a call to Pimlico Racetrack. +Must be some mistake, operator. +Ed? +I haven't made a long distance call in weeks. +Let's see, bills, bills, bills. +Grocery bill, electric bill, gas bill. +Do you see a telephone bill that was right here? +Ed? +Don't ask me. +Don't you look at me with those baby brown eyes. +Hand it over. +Here it is. +Thank you. +Six calls to Pimlico. +Ed, why are you calling a racetrack? +Well, I'm worried. My niece is about to run her maiden race. +Six calls? That's a fortune. +Wilbur, I promised my sister I'd keep an eye on her kid. +By any chance have you seen Kay this morning? There's nobody at my house. +Yeah, she and Carol went shopping. They're having dollar day downtown. +The last time they had dollar day downtown, Kay bought downtown. +Oh, we must be in the wrong store. +Nothing in here looks like it only costs a dollar. +Oh, Kay, look at all these beautiful pieces. +That was me before my diet. +Good morning. May I help you? +Good morning. I like this. +Isn't it, darling? It's really a conversation piece. +How much is it? +Only $300. +That's the end of that conversation. +Oh, may I help you? +This is so different. I could wear it to the theater. +What is it? +It's a rug. +Kay, look. Wouldn't this make a perfect lamp base for my living room? +Isn't it interesting? It has its origins in mythology. +It's a Chinese piece and a steal at only $50. +$50? Oh, I just love it, but I'm afraid my husband would think I was being too extravagant. +Honey, buy it. Wilbur will always be around. +The statue may not. +Perfect lamp base. +Carol? +Yes, dear? +Honey, we are loaded with bills this month. +We've just got to start saving money. +You're right, dear. +I mean, yeah, this one. Andre's Beauty Shop. +What are you doing, patronizing him or adopting him? +I'm trying to keep attractive for you, honey. +And this, this little beauty, the electric light bill. +You'd think we were holding night baseball games. +You're absolutely right, honey. +Carol, I'm going to go get my stuff. +Carol? +Yes, dear? +I mean, I don't want you to think I'm picking on you, but I think we should try to hold expenses down. +Oh, I couldn't agree with you more. +I don't want to deny you anything, dear, but I think for a while we should try to just buy the essentials. +You're absolutely right, honey. +I don't mean to suggest that you should stop going to the beauty parlor or stop buying clothes, +but promise me you'll use a little discretion. +Okay, honey. +That's my girl. +It didn't cost much, darling. Do you like it? +That depends. How much did it cost? +Fifty. +Fifty? +Fifty cents. +No. +But, honey, there's a fascinating story connected with this statue. +Would you like to hear about its past? +No, but I can tell you its future. It is going back. +I can't take it back. There was a sign in the store, all sales final. +Then I'll take it back. +Honey, from now on, let's really try to economize, shall we? +Yes, operator. I'm ready for the Pimlico call. +Hello. Are you the trainer of the Philly Little Princess? +That's right. This is Joe King. Who are you? +Mr. Edwards. +I understand Little Princess is running her maiden race tomorrow. +That's right. What about it? +You shouldn't work her out too early in the morning. +Why not? +I know her family. They're late sleepers. +She hasn't been training too well lately. +Are you sure you know what you're talking about? +Buddy, you're getting it right from the horse's mouth. +Well, I'll try anything. +I'll call you back later. +What have you got there, Wilbur? +Oh, nothing. Just a statue. +Oh. +Ming Dynasty, huh? +How do you know? +Maybe I didn't go to college, but I'm not stupid. +Wilbur, how about nine holes, huh? +Oh, love to, but I'm afraid not, Rog. +Hey, wait a minute. What's that? +Oh, Carol made a foolish purchase. I'm taking it back. +Can you imagine paying $50 for that? +What is it? +Don't ask me. All I know is she wants to make it into a lamp. +Well, if she wanted a lamp, why didn't she buy a lamp? +You don't know my wife. +If she bought a lamp, she'd want to make it into a vase. +Something I can do for you, sir? +Yes, I'd like to return something. +Oh. +My wife bought this here. +She's changed her mind. +I'm sorry, sir. +She only bought it an hour ago. +It's still warm. +I'd like to keep my cash box the same way. +I wish you'd take it back. +We really have no use for it. +I thought your wife wanted to make a lamp out of it. +She wants to make a lamp out of everything. +You stand still for a second, she shoves a bulb in your mouth. +Then you'll take it back? +No. +I know you're not obligated to take the statue back, but you'd be doing me a very big favor. +Please? +I do so hope you're not going to cry. +Oh, all right. +But promise me you won't tell anyone that I refunded your money. +I won't even tell my wife. +I said to this antique dealer of yours, look, either I get my money back... +Yes, you told me, dear. +Look, doesn't that trout look delicious? +Look, what is going on around here? +Oh, dear, you told me to economize, and you'll be very proud of me. +There was a sale on fish downtown, and I bought 30 pounds. +30 pounds? +We'll be eating fish for days. +Yes, but think of all the money we'll save on chicken and steak and roast beef. +Oh, wait a minute. +I had fish balls for hors d'oeuvres, I just had clam chowder, and now trout. +What have you got for dessert? Fish cakes? +Oh, you spoiled my surprise. +Well, honey, what's for breakfast? +Fried fish. +Hey, look, delicious. +Well, bring them on. +There you are. +Here's another. +Hi, Carol. +Hi, Kay. +Well, how's... +Shh, he's upstairs. +How's the fish campaign? +Well, it's the third day. +He should be growing fins by now. +Well, keep punching, sweetie. +As soon as you get him off that economy kick, you go right out and buy that statue back. +Shh, here he comes. +Oh, hi, Wilbur. +I wonder if Mr. Phillips has sold my beautiful statue yet. +Look, Carol, I've got a great idea. +Why don't you let me buy it and hold it for you until you break Wilbur down? +Oh, I couldn't ask you to do a thing like that, Kay. +Well, it was just an idea. +You better hurry, the store's closed at 6. +You say this is an original, huh? +Absolutely. +I like it very much. +How much are you asking for it? +$50. +And how much will you take? +$50. +This is a one-price store. +Okay, don't get excited. +I told you I like it. +Would you wrap it, please? +Gladly. +Pardon me. +How much is he asking for it today? +Today? +I thought $25 was quite expensive. +25? +I'm paying him 50. +Oh, that's for two, of course. +Two? +He told me it was an original. +He's got a back room full of them. +No kidding. +He must stamp them out with a cookie cutter. +I see. +An original, huh? +Thank you. +Here's the $50. +Hey. +Anybody home? +It's me. +Hello. +Oh, hello, Wilbur. +Uh, Roger, can I come over to your place for a sandwich or something? +Sure. +Of course. +You're sure? +Yeah. +We're well stocked. +What do you want? +Anything that doesn't swim. +I beg your pardon? +See, Carol's had me on a steady diet of fish the last few days. +All because I returned that silly statue she bought. +You won't believe this, but Kay bought one just like it. +And she's been hiding it from me. +You're kidding. +What are you going to do? +Return it, of course. +Well, look, let me give you a little tip. +If the owner won't take it back, just say please and look miserable. +He's very soft-hearted. +It won't be difficult to look miserable. +Just think of the price. +Yes, sir, may I show you something? +No, thank you. +I'd like to return something. +I'm sorry, we have a no return policy. +Oh, I don't blame you. +As a businessman, I realize you can't make a profit if you keep taking back merchandise you've sold. +Exactly. +May I ask a favor of you, please? +Would you call my wife and tell her you positively will not refund the money? +Why don't you call her yourself? +Well, to be perfectly frank, just before I left the house, we had a terrible argument. +She's very sensitive about making mistakes. +And I'm very sensitive about returning money. +Then you won't call her? +No. +Would you write her a note, please? +Please? +Write her a note? +Please? +Oh, all right. +Oh, thank you. +I knew a kind heart went with that face. +Oh, no. +It's back again. +I need you to pay $50. +What is this, some sort of parlor game? +Musical statues? +Please? +Please? +Please? +Oh, thank you. +You have just saved a marriage. +Honey. +I brought you some lunch. +Sit it down, Carol. +I'll reel it in later. +Oh, I'm cracking up. +That fish looks just like a chicken. +Go ahead, dear. +You deserve a good meal. +You mean you're giving up? +You're throwing in the flounder? +I just couldn't stand to see you suffer anymore. +I don't know who to kiss first, you or the chicken. +Enjoy it, dear. +She's out to get you. +It's worth it. +You gonna eat that without a food taster? +Ed, stick to being a horse. +The condemned prisoner ate a hearty meal. +I got the greatest little wife in the world. +And what's more, I want to surprise her and buy that statue back. +I knew you'd weaken. +So did I. +Good, you haven't sold it. +That'll be $50, I believe. +Didn't you return the statue just a few days ago? +That's right. +As I recall, your wife had just bought it. +Yes. +She bought it, you returned it, and now you want to buy it again? +Yes, but... +Tell me this. +Has my competitor hired you people to drive me out of my mind? +Look, I'd like to buy that statue. +I'll sell it to you under one condition. +What's that? +That you sign a written statement to the effect that you will never return this statue again. +Really? +All right. +I'll sign it. +Repeat after me, please. +I do solemnly swear... +I do solemnly swear... +Better raise your right hand. +I do solemnly swear... +Carol, are you in the kitchen? +Carol? +Oh, no. +Carol? +Are you upstairs, honey? +Carol, look what I... +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +Oh, hi, Edison doll. +Don't doll me, shifty. +Oh, you found the statue. +Pretty sneaky, getting Carol to buy it back for you. +I don't understand, darling. +I returned the statue once today and I'm returning it again. +But, sweetheart, that's not ours, it's Carol's. +Oh, please, Wilbur returned Carol's. +You bought this for yourself. +I wasn't born yesterday. +If you don't lower your voice, this may become exhibit A at a coroner's inquest. +Kay, are you trying to tell me this is the same statue Wilbur showed me in the barn? +What was he doing in the barn? +I hid it in the closet. +It was before I returned it to the store. +Returned what to what store? +Kay, when you married me, was it for love or revenge? +Now, don't forget, with Little Princess, you got to break fast and stay close to the rail. +Got it. +Now, when do you want the jockey to go to the whip? +No whips. +She cries so easily. +Mr. Redwoods, I was thinking maybe of using blinkers on Little Princess. What do you think? +No, no blinkers. +She likes to read the odds on the tote board while she's running. +I got my hands. I'll put it right down. +Carol, where are you? +Carol, are you upstairs? +Not again. +When I put the statue in the closet, that was just before you brought it back. +I was keeping it for Carol until Wilbur gave her the money. +But when you brought it back, he hadn't given in yet. +So it was premature. +Don't you understand? +Is it necessary that I do? +I'm sorry, darling. I should have told you. +Kay. +Forgive my busting in like this, but why do you keep putting this back in my living room? +It was a mistake, dear. +We didn't realize that you'd gone back and bought the statue again. +Me? But I didn't buy it back. +No? Who did? +Wilbur. +Oh, isn't he sweet? +He wanted to surprise me. +You've certainly got a wonderful husband. +And I'm going to tell it to him, too. +Excuse me. +How's your head, Addison? +Kay, do me a favor. +Sure, sweet. +Anytime you want to help your neighbor, give me five minutes' notice so I can leave town. +You put that there. +What's going on around here? +Thank you, darling. +But I have been spending too much money lately, and, well, maybe we should take it back to the store. +Oh, no. The way that storekeeper feels, I'd be safer taking you back to your mother. +I'm afraid you can't, darling. +Hmm? +You know what they stamped in our marriage license? +What? +Absolutely no returns. +Well, thanks for calling, Mr. King. +Ed, get off that phone. +Good news, Wilbur. +My niece won her first race. +Ed, you promised you would cut out those long-distance calls. +Relax. I'm paying for this one. +You? +The trainer bet five for me, and I won a hundred bucks. +You did? +Yep. +When is your niece going to be running again, huh? +Wouldn't you like to know? +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed. +So write to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed. +Keep your yakety yak in the street and waste your time a day. +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and this one will talk to his voice, his horse. +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E11 Ed the Witness.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E11 Ed the Witness.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1d269c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E11 Ed the Witness.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,426 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Wilbur, are you sure we're on the road to Ensenada? +Of course we are. Leave it to me, I know where we're going. +And Wilbur, you said you knew a shortcut. +How far are we from Ensenada? +Oh, don't ask me. These Mexican roads twist so much. +Just a second, just a second, everybody. +Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. No doubt about it. We're lost. +Oh, no, Wilbur, I'm famished. If I had a little ketchup, I'd eat this map. +I could do without a bowl of chili myself. +I was looking forward to spending a delightful weekend south of the border, but with your sense of direction... +There's nothing wrong with Wilbur's sense of direction. +Oh, please. I consider it a triumph we got out of his garage. +But, Aristotle, you told Wilbur to make that left turn back there. +Of course I did. The sign said, hombres trabajando. That distinctly means left turn. +Wait, I'll look that up in the dictionary. +Now, believe me, it means left turn. I took Spanish in college, and I finished at the head of my class. +Hombres trabajando. Men at work. +Must have been a very small class, darling. +Wilbur, do you have any idea where we are? +Well, the way I figure it out, we're either just outside the town of Cojotzamamalulu... +or on a small island in the Pacific. +Well, we'd better just keep on driving. +Men at work, huh? Oh, must be an old dictionary. +Let's go, Desi. +I'd better go take a look at Mr. Ed. +Ed, I got a little problem. We're lost. +Who's lost? We're only ten miles from Cojotzamamalulu. +How do you know? +I read a sign back there. +You speak Spanish? +Doesn't everybody? +De nada, amigo. +So, this is Cojotzamamalulu. It certainly does look very big. +The only thing big about this town is its name. +I wonder if they have a restaurant here. +Well, there's a policeman. Let's ask him. Officer? +Oh, no, Wilbur. Wilbur. Let me. I speak the language. +Senor. +Si? +That means yes. +You could have fooled me. +¿Dónde es el restaurant? +You have a thick accent. +Yes, those Irish progs will always throw you. +La Golondrina is a very nice restaurant. +Oh, you speak English? +That means yes. +Is it the best restaurant in town? +Si, and the only one, too. +Thank you. Come on, girls. Por aquí, por favor. +I have a feeling this is not going to be one of the highlights of the trip. +Well, it certainly is very... quaint. +It has a wonderful provincial atmosphere. +Yeah, we're stuck. +Sit down. +I wonder where the owner is. +It isn't exactly the height of the rush hour. +Let's order. I want to send word down to my stomach that help's on the way. +Excuse me, sir. +Is the owner here? +Si. +Do you know where he is? +Si. +How do we get service? +Yes, go for it, Pepe. Thank you. +Pepe? +Pepe? +Are you calling me? +That's what I like. A man who gets right to the point. +You're going to like the beans. They're very good, señor. +Thank you. +Tacos, enchiladas, tortillas, arroz con polo. +Oh, I know what that means. Chicken with rice. +Either that or men at work. +What else do they have, Wilbur? +Uh, rozbif, bifsteck. +Roast beef, beefsteak. +Beefsteak. That's what I want, beefsteak. +I'll have the roast beef. +Steak for me. +And I'll have the arroz con polo. +Four order spins. +What we want. +What is nice. What I got, spins. +Mr. Man, if all you have is beans, why did you bother giving us this menu? +No bother. It's a pleasure. +Beans. If you hadn't steered us wrong, we'd be an ensenada by now. +You know, Kay, that's one of the things I admire about you. +Whenever I make a mistake, you're always the first to point it out. +You're in. +Oh, look at that wheel. +Oh, now we'll be stuck here for a week. +Wilbur, why did you have to bring this horse along? +I told you, he gets lonely. +¿Qué pasa aquí? +Did you see this accident? +No, señor. +Didn't you see anything? +If I see, I say. I don't see, I don't say. +You don't say. +¿Sí? +I say, I don't see. +We've got to get this wheel fixed. +Oh, I know the best mechanic in all Mexico. Arturo Gomez. +Will he do a good job? +Would he do a good job? Would I lie about my own cousin? +Now that you're almost finished, Arturo, don't you think we should agree on a price? +Sí, we should. +¿Eh? +¿How much is it? +Whatever we agree. +¿Ten dollars? +This, I don't agree. +¿How much? +This, I will charge you so you will be a little more poor and I will be a little more rich. +Well, how much more poor will I be? +The same, that I will be a little more rich. +Oh. +Why you not going to eat with your friends? I call you when he's finished. +You couldn't give me an idea of the price. +That's right, I couldn't. +Now your trailer will soon be fixed, Ed. +Good. I was afraid I'd have to walk home. +You were scared when you got hit. +Yeah, I almost ended up in that great big stable in the sky. +I'd like to get my hands on that hit-and-run driver. +Yeah, that beat-up old truck. +Truck? What truck? +License number 4231. +We have agreed on the price, señor. $50. +Would you mind stepping aside, please? I'd like to see your license plates. +$50, please. +You really expect me to pay you $50? +We make it $40? +I no charge you city sales tax. +I'm not paying you a cent. You ran into my trailer with your truck. +How you say this? There was no witnesses. +Ah, then you admit that you did it. +$30? +How do you say policeman in Spanish? +Policía. +Thank you. +Policía! Policía! +Why you call police? $30 is not so much. You like $25 better? +What's going on here, Arturo? +This man doesn't want to pay me for my work. He owes me $75. +That is a lie. +You speak Spanish, señor? +No, but a lie is a lie in any language. +Please. +Why do you not pay Arturo? He's $75. +$75? +All right, $70. +What more can I do? +Arturo, he's being very generous, señor. +Look at his fender. He must have hit me. It's dented. +My fender? +She was dented when the car was new. +What's the matter, Wilbur? +This is the man that ran into our trailer. +Please, Miguel. It is almost siesta time, and I cannot sleep when people, they owe me money. +I am not paying. It's a matter of principle. +Señor, you pay, or I must put you in the jail. +Wilbur, Addison will be glad to chip in half. +Why, of course. I... +No, no, no, Wilbur's right. We will not pay. It's a matter of principle. +But, honey, I don't want you going to jail. +Don't you worry. I'm not going. +Excuse me, señor. You have the time? +I'm in the right, and there is absolutely nothing that they can do. +Hey, what's the big idea? +Shh. +Siesta time and quazamamalulu. +Psst. Amigo. +Hi, Ed. +What time you going over the wall? +I don't have to. I'm going to win this case. +Sure, sure. +I'm going to win this case. +I'm going to win this case. +I'm going to win this case. +Sure, sure. +Ed, are you sure you saw the truck hit your trailer? +Positive. Too bad I didn't have a camera with me. +I know the girls in Roger are looking for a lawyer. +You had your lunch yet? +Yeah, but that Mexican hay is too hot for me. +I've been drinking water like a fish. +I've got to get out of here. +Excuse me, Ed. +All right, sure. +Officer, officer! +Ya, por favor, callese, hombre. Que escandalo trae. +Look, I'm an American citizen. I demand a trial. +Are you going to pay Arturo his money? +No. +Then you'll be a Mexican citizen before your trial. +Look, I insist you phone the judge and tell him that I'm here. +Insist. +Insist. +Why insist? When the judge gets here, he'll see that you're here. +Honey! +Oh, you look so pale. Are you all right? +Did you get a lawyer? +Addison's waiting for him to wake up. It's still siesta time. +This isn't a town. It's a giant sleeping bag. +Wilbur, maybe you ought to pay the man the $75. +70? +I'm not paying you a cent! +Relax, folks. The lawyer will be here shortly. +When? +As soon as he gets out of his pajamas. +Oh, honey. +Please pay the money. I don't like to see you behind bars. +My mind is made up. Now, you and Kay go and find some rooms for the night. +Meanwhile, Roger and I will talk to the lawyer. +You're really determined to fight this through? +Find the rooms, huh? +You never kiss me like that. +I will, dear. When you're behind bars. +Roger, keep an eye on him for me, will you? +Why? Where's he going? +Come on, Kay. +Roger, I didn't want to worry Carol, but that judge may not show up for months. +That's carrying a siesta a little too far. +Maybe you better phone the American consulate in Tijuana. +Good thinking. But I got a better idea. +What's that? +Pay the money and let's get out of here. +I am not going to pay that fellow $75. +$70. +I'll call the consulate. +My good man, have you a telephone here? +Not here, but on the wall. +Thank you. +You want me to make the call for you? +That won't be necessary. I speak the language fluently. +Operadora, usted, por favor, obtenerme el americano consulado Tijuana. +No, operator, I am not speaking Portuguese. +That was Spanish. +How long have you been in this country? +I want Tijuana, not Havana. +I said not Havana, Havana. +Very well, I'll wait. +Begin. +Senor Post, I am Francisco Gomez. I am your attorney. +I've been expecting you. Won't you sit down? +First, let me assure you that you will receive a fair trial. +That is all I expect, sir. +Senor Addison has acquainted me with the situation, but now I must ask a few questions. +Did you see the accident? +No. +Did any of your friends see the accident? +Well, no. +Then I must advise you to pay the $75. +$70. +That man has been lying. He ran into my trailer. +But if you have no witness... +I have a witness. Ed saw everything. +Ed? Ah, this is good. +Who is this Ed? +Well... +Well, he's not exactly the type you'd bring into a courtroom. +Please, senor, do not say this to me. In Mexico, everybody is equal. +Where is this Ed? +Outside the window. +Senor Ed! Senor Ed! +I see only a horse. +That is senor Ed. +This horse, she is your witness? +Senor, have you been drinking tequila? +Please, you've got to believe me. +You do not need a lawyer, you need a doctor. Miguel! +I'm telling you the truth. +Andale. +I'm telling you. +Of course you are. +That is the truth. Ed saw... +Si, como no. +Ed saw everything. +I'm telling you the truth. You've got to believe me. +What's the matter? +Hello. +It's about time. +Is this the American consulate in Tijuana? +What? +Havana? +Operator, I did not want Havana. +I want Tijuana. +T as in tacos. +I as in igloo. +A as in Argentina. +I'm calling the American consulate. +Good. +Well, how did you make out? +Did you find any rooms? +We won't need any, honey. +The judge just got back to town. +And he's going to try your case this afternoon. +Great! Now we're getting someplace. +Marvelous. +What? +Argentina? +Operator, I did not call Argentina. +I want Tijuana. +T as in Texas. No, no, no. +So the judge is here. +Win or lose, we'll be out of this town soon. +Ensenada, here we come. +What did your lawyer say, dear? +He refused to handle my case. +Goodbye, Ensenada. +Refused to handle your case? But why? +What's the difference? I'm innocent. I can't lose. +I... I'll defend myself. +I admire your confidence, Wilbur. +We'll send you cigarettes from the States. +This is just awful. +We'll just have to convince that lawyer to handle you. +Come on. +I'd better go along with him. To translate. +Ed, with you testifying for me, I can't lose. +With who testifying? +Look, I'm depending on you. You're my key witness. +Now you know I only talk in front of you. +This is a matter of principle. +Where's your integrity? +Where's your $75? +All I'm gonna do is tell the truth. +If they find out I can talk, I'll wind up in a circus. +Ed, I'm disappointed in you. +I've always felt towards you the way... +The way Paul Revere felt toward his horse. +But Paul did the talking, not his horse. +Okay, Ed. +No hard feelings, huh? +No. I'm... +I'll be waiting for you, buddy boy. +This way, please. +That's the one, Judge Hernandez. +Uh-huh. He's the guilty one. +Arturo, por favor, don't call a man guilty until there is a trial. +Senor Post, I'm Judge Hernandez. +Your Honor, I'm certainly glad you're here. +I'm sorry I was late. +Where's your lawyer? +Oh, I'll be defending myself. +The lawyer Gomez will not handle his case because he's loco. +Are you loco? +No. +Ah, good. Let us proceed. +Sit down on the bench, both of you. +This court is now in session. +Senor Post, what do you say? +Your Honor, this man hit my trailer with his truck. +And now he wants me to pay for fixing it. +Arturo, what do you say? +He's a big liar. +You say yes, he say no. +Are there any witnesses? +Well, yes and no. +Yes and no. +That makes maybe. +Do you have a maybe witness? +Well... +Ed! +¿Qué pasa con este animal? +Take this horse away from here. +Please, Your Honor, this is my witness. +The horse, he's your witness? +Yes, Your Honor. +Well, how can a horse be your witness? +Well, he told me Arturo's license number. +Oh, in that case, you know... +He told you? +Yes, Your Honor. +Are you sure you are not loco? +The horse saw it all, Your Honor. +Well, how can a horse write down a number? +Oh, he didn't write down the number. +Oh. +He just told me what he read. +Miguel, you know there is a law against serving tequila in jail? +But I didn't give him any tequila. +He is this way all by himself. +Make him to pay me my $80. +$80? +Ed, tell him what happened. +This is ridiculous. +How could a horse tell you a license number? +Uh, by tapping it out. +That's how he communicates with me. +What? +Yes, just write down any number at all, Your Honor, and he'll tap it out. +You are serious in your post? +If you'll please write down a number, Your Honor. +Oh, my God. +$60. +Did he read any number? +Yes. +Yes. +Try him in Spanish. +$50. +Of course, he does everything but talk. +Arturo, you are a liar. +You big mouth. +With a fire. +He isn't here. What did they do to him? +Oh, don't worry, darling. I'm sure everything's all right. +There are no high trees in the neighborhood. +Oh, gotcha. +What's up, little kiddies? +Well, let's get going. +I want to make it to Ensenada before it gets dark. +Well, did you pay him the money? +No, won the case. +You did? How? +Oh, just used a little horse sense. +Let's go, kiddies. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. +© BF-WATCH TV 2021 diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E12 Ed's Mother.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E12 Ed's Mother.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9d9dfc3 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E12 Ed's Mother.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,439 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Right there by that fence, honey. Perfect spot for a picture. +Okay, honey. +Edison Doll, how about a picture of you? Those baby blue eyes would look beautiful in color. +I don't deny that, my dear, but I'm a little weary. +Oh, please, just one picture for my wallet. +That'd be the closest I've been to my money in a long time. +Hold it just a minute while I focus, honey. There. +Howdy, folks. +Oh, darn. +Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, did I spoil your snapshot? +That's okay. She's got special rates for group pictures. +You folks interested, maybe, in buying some doodads for the house? +I'm running an auction here this Sunday. +Auction? What auction? Where? What are they selling and how many to a customer? +Auction? Where? +Kay, let's go home. +Come this Sunday, you'll be able to pick up some real fine bargains at Z. Dowd's. +I'm selling everything on this farm from soup to nuts. +We have plenty of both, thank you. Come on, let's go. +Oh, I've got to see what he's selling. +Right this way, ma'am, through the gate. +That woman will buy anything. +To Kay, the world is just one great big department store. +Come on, Roger, it's only money. +I'm glad it's yours. +Well, thank you. +Sit up on the fence for one more, honey. +I? +Oh, move over just a little bit. +I want to get the horse in the background. Make it look real country. +Okay. +Sit back a little more, Roger. +Sit back a little more. +Oh, a little more. +Wilbur? Where are you? +Wilbur! +Oh, honey, are you all right? +I don't know. +Does that camera take x-ray pictures? +There's nothing funny about falling off a fence. It can happen to anybody. +It's never happened to me. +Wilbur, are you in there? +Yes, Roger. +Wilbur, I picked up your snapshots at the drugstore. +Oh, thank you. +I'll have to go back and get them. +I picked up your snapshots at the drugstore. +Oh, thank you. Roger, how much do I owe you? +Nothing. If you will help me on this auction business. +Oh, Kay still wants to go to the auction on Sunday, huh? +That's all she talks about. She wants to pick up a few things for our backyard. +Like what? +Oh, a wagon wheel, a kerosene lamp, an old water pump. +She'd buy the farmer if he were marked down. +I don't think that my wife's any different. +Now, remember, we've got to stick together on this. +No auction this Sunday. Right? Right. +Oh, brother. +What's so funny? +When I fell off the fence, all... +all Carol got was a picture of an old plow horse. +Don't laugh. Some of my best friends pull plows. +Let me see it. +Wait till Carol sees this shot. +Uh-huh. +Wait a minute. +What's the matter, Ed? +That horse in the picture. +What about her? +She's my mother. +Well, there she is. +Are you sure that's your mother? +That's Mama. +Go ahead. Go over to her. +How do I look? +You look fine. +Is my hair combed? +Yes. Now, look, stop being so nervous. +Mom taught us kids to be neat. +Your hair is combed, your shoes are shined, you look great. +Go over to her. +Okay. +Fine-looking horse you got there, mister. +Oh, hello, Mr. Dowd. +Say, aren't you the fellow that fell off my fence a couple of days ago? +That's right. +Hey, your horse seems to like Betsy. +I'll sell her to you real cheap. +Of course, she ain't nothing but a broken-down old plug. +Ah! +What's wrong with him? +You insulted his mother. +His mother? +Yeah. He recognized her from a snapshot we took. +Who recognized her? +Her son. My horse, Ed. +Well, uh, excuse me. +I... I got some butter to churn. +Calling Mom an old plug. +I should have kicked him in his rutabaga. +Yeah, please. Mr. Dowd didn't mean it. +Hello, Betsy. You've got a wonderful son. +No use, Wilbur. She doesn't understand. +You mean she doesn't talk like you? +Nope. I'm the only black sheep in the family. +Then how do you communicate with her? +Horse talk. +You know, we were here before people. +Tell her I like her. +Mmm. +Mmm. +Mmm. +Okay. +Buy my mother and let's go home. +Gee, I don't know, Ed. +I'm gonna have to ask Carol first. +But I don't want my mother pulling a plow. +I know how you feel, Ed. +Well, tell your mother I'll do my best. +Carol? +Yes? +Come here, dear. +Oh, I've missed you. +We've been together all evening. +No, we haven't. You've been in that kitchen for five minutes. +Oh, Wilbur. +You know when I miss you most? +When I'm on my horse. +What? +Yeah. You know, some days when I'm riding along on Mr. Ed, +I just wish you were right there with me. +Wouldn't it be a little crowded in the saddle? +Carol, I've been thinking about buying you a horse. +Two horses? +Well, isn't that a little extravagant? +I mean, the upkeep and... +Oh, what's money when you're riding alongside the woman you love? +Wilbur, you know I don't ride very well. +Yeah, I know. +And that's why I was looking around and I found a real gentle horse. +You'll love her. +Oh, where did you find this horse? +Well, you remember that picture you took when I fell off the fence? +Mm-hmm. +No! +You mean you want me to ride that... +that decrepit old plow horse? +Please. You're talking about somebody's mother. +I get it, Wilbur. We just don't need two horses. +I'll make a deal with you. +You ride Ed and I'll ride the plow horse. +That's absurd. +I'll finish the dishes and we'll go to a movie, huh? +Don't worry, Mama. +You're not gonna pull that plow much longer. +I know I was a kooky kid, but I've sold my wild oats. +I'm gonna take care of you in your old age. +Old age. +Hi, Ed. +Hi, Wilbur. +When do we pick up Mother? +I'm afraid I've got some bad news. +Carol just doesn't want another horse. +Oh. +Look, I'm not giving up. +She wants to go to a movie tonight, so I'll pick a real sentimental one. +Maybe this will soften her up. +Chin up, Mom. +Your little Edward ain't letting you down. +I isn't. +Mother, you are growing old. +Silver thread among the gold. +Oh, come in, neighbors. +Hi, kids. Too late for a cup of coffee? +No, come on in. +Oh, good. How was the picture, darlings? +Great. Just great. +All about a son's love for his mother. +We're not getting another horse. +Is that the name of the picture? +Wilbur wants to buy that plow horse we saw at the farm the other day. +Oh, that's the place we're going to this Sunday. +Kay, dear, I told you we are not going to that auction. +She's a real sweet horse. +But all I want to do is pick up a few things for the backyard. +It was our front yard before she started adding things. +She's the gentlest thing you've ever seen. +You wouldn't think so if you lived with her. +I'm talking about the horse. +We're not getting any horse. +Did my husband call me a horse? +I'm talking about Ed's mother. +Ed's mother? +He had one, you know. +Well, most of us do. +Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about? +My husband wants to buy another horse. +This is not just another horse. This is Ed's mother. +Really? +How do you know? +He says that Mr. Ed recognized his mother from the picture I took. +Pardon me, I've got to bed down my horse. +Does he really want to buy that old plow horse? +Well, you know how Wilbur loves animals. +If it were up to him, we'd be living in a zoo. +Ed's Mother +Well? +I'm sorry, Ed. Carol said no again. +Did you tell her it's my mother? +Yeah, she just doesn't believe me. +Does she want to see my birth certificate? +Yes, Ed. It's hopeless. +Uh, Wilbur. +Yeah? +Would you let your mother pull a plow? +Big deal. +Where's the phone directory? +I'll call Dad myself. +Hello, Ed. +Hello. +Don't worry, Mom. +What is your mother doing here? +What mother? +Tell me, what? How did she get in here? +You bought her. +Me? What are you talking about? +Okay, so I bought her. +What did you do? +I called up Dowd and I told him I was your business manager. +You didn't? +Just send him a check for $50. +Oh, I gotta keep Carol out of here. +Carol's coming. If she sees your mother, she'll kick us both out. +Don't let her come in here. +How? How am I going to keep her out? +Fiddle buster. +Honey, I brought you some lunch. +Sandwich, some milk and some cookies. +Thank you. I'll eat it out here. +In this wind? +What wind? +Oh, Wilbur. +I like to eat outdoors. It's invigorating. +Oh, honey, I don't have time. I have a roasting oven. +You shouldn't have done this, Ed. +Carol's going to think I did it behind her back. +Look at her, Wilbur. Isn't she beautiful? +I better find a place to hide her while I try to get Carol to accept her. +Mm-hmm. +Addison's garage. +Bless you, Wilbur. +Fine lad. +I'm going to get you. +The line's busy. +Ed, I better take your mother right over there. +Mr. Dowd, what time are you starting your auction tomorrow? +11 o'clock? Fine. We'll be there. And I... +The voice you have just heard has been disconnected. +You shouldn't have done that. +Woman, have a heart. We've got a whole garage full of junk. +It's not junk. +We have enough grandfather clocks to start an old folks' home. +Oh, really, Roger. Stop exaggerating. I'm going to use everything I bought. +Kay, dear heart, light of my life, +what do you intend to do with the spinning wheel you bought three years ago? +Well, I... I may make a platter out of it. +You'd make a platter out of anything, wouldn't you? +Addison, please, doll. Let's go Sunday. +I promise you I won't buy. I'll just look. +Well, if you must look, come and have a look at the pawn shop +we laughingly call our garage. +Oh, really, Roger. What are you trying to prove? +I know what I bought. +I just want you to see why I have to park my car in the driveway every night. +Addison, I know what's in this garage, +and it's all stuff that we can use someday. +What kind of a platter is that going to make? +How did that get here? +Why, it's that old plow horse that Wilbur wanted to buy. +Wilbur, where do you think I ought to take her on Mother's Day? +Dad, we're going to have a lot of trouble with Carol. +You should never have phoned Mr. Dowd. +There comes a time when a horse has to take matters into his own hooves. +Well, I'd better phone Roger again and tell him I've got your mother in his garage. +Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo. +Anything else I can get you, dear? +No, thank you, honey. +Are you still angry with me, darling? I mean, about the other horse? +No, no, I see your side of it, dear. +I just hope you'll change your mind. +I don't want to see you obstinate. +That's my girl. +I mean, just promise me you'll keep an open mind. Sleep on it, huh? +All right, Wilbur. I'd better get back to my roast. +Let me carry that for you. +Honey, if you change your mind about that other horse, I think I can get you a quick delivery. +Wilbur. +I, uh, believe this belongs to your herd. +Roger, where'd you get the horse? +Do you like horses? Carol? +Wilbur, there must be an explanation for this. +Yeah? Well, let's hear it. +Wilbur, how could you? +You'll excuse me if I miss this preliminary bout. +I'm fighting in the main event next door. +Keep an open mind. Quick delivery. +That horse goes to the barn. +Keep an open mind. Quick delivery. That horse goes back this instant. +Carol. +Wilbur, right now. +Carol, please. +Right now, Wilbur. Take that horse back right now. +Oh! +Ed, I'm sorry. I tried. +Can I say goodbye to Mama? +Oh, my God. +Hmm. Hmm. +Cheer up, Ed. +Hmm. +Mother, you are growing old. +Silver threads among the gold. Hmm. +Breakfast in a few minutes. +Is he still angry about returning that other horse? +I guess so. +Husbands can be so stubborn. +Do you know that Addison actually believes that I'm not going to that auction today? +And you're not. +Yes, I am. +Good morning, Wilbur. No, you're not. +Good morning, Wilbur. Yes, I am. +Good morning. What's going on around here? +Oh, they're just discussing going to the auction today. +And we decided against it. +Carol would like to go. +Only if it's all right with you, dear. +Oh, yeah. Well, no. +No, I thought we'd just relax around the house today. +Wilbur, you're a man after my own heart. +Well, I'll be right back. I've got to feed Ed. +Hurry, dear. Breakfast will be ready in just a few minutes. +Morning, Ed. How's... +Ed? +Went home to mother. +He must have just left. +The crown is still wet. +Addison, please. +I promise you that we'll only stay at the auction for an hour. +Half hour? +Breakfast is ready. +Fifteen minutes? +We'll just drive by? +My dear, you are not buying any wagon wheels today. +Wilbur and I have decided against it. +Why do you men always stick together? +Because every day of a married man's life is Custer's last stand. +Well, let's finish up breakfast and get down to that auction. +I have just been scalped. +All right, folks, the auction will start in a few minutes. +The auction will start in a few minutes now. +Pardon me, sir. +Yes, sir, what can I... Oh, it's you. +Now, look, Mr. Post, that wasn't fair. +Buying my horse on the telephone and then sending her back. +Anything you buy today is strictly cash on the barrel head. +I'm sorry. Have you seen my horse around here? +What makes you think he'd be around here? +Well, he left a note saying he was going back to mother. +Well, uh, I... +I guess I'd better start the auction. +Wilbur, have you seen Kay? I've been looking all over for her. +No. +I've got to find her before the bidding starts or I'll walk home in a barrel. +All right, folks. All right, gather around. +Now, we got some right powerful bargains for you lucky people. +Now, the first item is this sturdy plow horse. +Got a lot of hard working years left in her yet. +Now, who'll start the bidding? +$10. +$15. +$20. +All right, I hear $20. Do I hear $25? +$25. +$30. +$35. +$35. I have $35. Do I hear $40? +Ed, what are you doing? +Buying my mother. Do you mind? +$40 anyone? $40, $40, $40 anyone? +Thank you. +But you know we can't take her home. +$45. +$45. I have $45. Do I hear $50? +Ed, you don't have any money. How are you going to pay? +This is my mother. +I'll beg, I'll work, I'll steal, I'll do anything. +$50, $50, do I hear $50? +$50. +Thank you. I have $50, $50, $50. Do I hear $55? +Wilbur, what's Miss Ed doing here? +Do I hear $55? +All right. $50 once, $50 twice, $50... +$55. +Sold to that man for $55. +Wilbur, why did you buy that horse? +Honey, because that is Mr. Ed's mother, believe me. +I bought her and I'm going to give her to some nice family, +maybe with a couple of kids who can love her +and make her last year's happy ones. +All right, honey. +I don't mind if you're an animal lover, +as long as you keep on being a wife lover. +I better go find Kay. +Wilbur, if you were a girl, I'd kiss you. +I think I will anyway. +All right, folks. Who'll give me $15? +Believe me, it's a steal. +$15. +$17. +$20. +$22. +$22, $22, I've got $22. Do I hear $23? +Why don't you go up to $50? +$50 sold to that gentleman with a mustache for $50. +Oh, thank you, doll. You bought me my wagon wheel. +I just bought a $50 wagon wheel. +Congratulations. It should make a beautiful planter. +I was on a steady course, talked to Mr. Ed +People yakety yak the streak and waste your time a day +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And this one will talk to his voice, his horse +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this +I am Mr. Ed diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E13 Ed the Tout.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E13 Ed the Tout.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..328caa5 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E13 Ed the Tout.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,493 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Three quarters of a mile and eleven. +Morning, Ed. +Morning. +What happened to the sports section? +I'm reading it. +Hey, wait, I'm not through yet. +You know I like to read it with my coffee. +Well, I like to read it with my hay. +Well, I'm sorry. +Why did you mark the horse racing? +Why did you mark the horse racing? +Don't worry, I'm not betting. +Hello, Roger. Want me to get you a cup of coffee? +No, thanks. +Oh, what's this? +Are you playing the horses? +No, I even think the merry-go-round is fixed. +Well, then who made these selections? +Would you believe it if I told you it was Mr. Red? +Well, I'll tell you the truth. +The little boy who delivers the paper is a tout. +Wilbur, you surprised me. +I thought you had more sense than to play the races. +If you must throw your money away, give it to your wife. +Believe me, I never gamble. +You know, I had a good friend who lost a fortune on the races. +Then he started drinking. +First one bottle a day, and then two. +Finally, he was buying it by the case. +You know what happened to that man? +Owns his own liquor store? +It wasn't funny to my friend. +He lost his family, his business, his home. +They darn near kicked him out of the Harvard Club. +Look, Roger, I appreciate your concern, +but believe me, it isn't necessary. +Well, girls, how's the charity drive coming along? +We've never had no said to us in so many different ways. +I never thought it would be so hard to collect money for a milk fund. +How much did you get? +Uh, $40. +Does that include the 20 I gave you this morning? +Mm-hmm. +Does that include the 20 I gave you this morning? +I guess we didn't have such a good day. +Hey, I have a thought. +Why not let Wilbur run your $40 into a few thousand at the charity drive? +Why not let Wilbur run your $40 into a few thousand at the charity drive? +Race track? +Wilbur, you don't... +Wilbur, have you been betting on the horses? +Of course not, honey. +Oh, no. +He just marked off these horses' names because it's their birthday +and he wants to send them some presents. +Come, dear. +Wilbur, take my advice. Forget the races. +And just to remove any temptation, I'll take this along with me. +And incidentally, you're saving a dime. +Oh, yeah? +Well, how about Mabel? +Well, if you deduct what we spent for gas, stationary, phone, and circulars, +our charity drive has already lost $15. +Okay, kid. Talk to you later. +May I come in? +Oh, hi, Roger. +Is Wilbur here? +He's upstairs. +Wilbur! +You must be excited about his luck today. +What luck? +Why, your husband picked eight winners. +Eight winners? +At the race track. +Well, here, look for yourself. +Here are Wilbur's selections, and here are the winners. +Hi, Roger. I'll be right back. +Honey, you... you picked eight winners. +Winners? +Yes, at the race track. +Oh, that's nice. +I picked eight winners? +Yes, you did. +They are. +What do you know? Eight in a row. Not bad. +I didn't bet. +Sure, kid. +I didn't. +Will you excuse me, Roger? I've got to feed Ed. +Is it possible he didn't bet? +Oh, I'm sure he didn't. +You say that so calmly. +If I picked eight winners and didn't bet, +my wife would be on her way to Reno. +Ed, you picked eight winners. +Well, there were only eight races. +Ed, how did you get so lucky? +Not luck. Just horse sense. +You mean you can actually pick the horses? +Better than you can pick people. +What's the secret? How do you do it? +Simple. I see who's running, and I pick the best. +How do you know so much about horses? +Isn't that a stupid question? +Yes, yes. Eight winners. That's amazing. +Look, I've got a reward for you. +Hey, neighbor, let me give you a hand with that. +Thanks. I think I can manage from here. +Well, if a man can't help a friend, what good is he? +It's true. +Oh, by the way, Wilbur, you know, you were just lucky today. +You could never pick eight winners in a row again. +Yes, I could. But what's the difference? You don't play the races. +No, no, no, no. Of course not. +I'm just interested from the scientific point of view. +Oh, is that why you're being so helpful this evening? +Oh, Wilbur, please. +Now, just to satisfy me, +would you make some selections for tomorrow? +I'd rather not, Rog. +Oh, admit it. You were just lucky. +Once they get on the track, +nobody can tell what these stupid animals are liable to do. +Look, Roger, I don't... +Okay, Roger. +You call out the list of tomorrow's entries, +and I'll give you the winners. +Good. First race. Eskibam. +No. +Bleak Lady. +No. +Sunny Boy. +Sunny Boy? +Uh, Sunny Boy. +Yeah, that's the winner. Sunny Boy. +Sunny Boy? +Well, he's 80 to 1. +According to this handicapper, he's never beaten any of these other nags. +Well, tomorrow, he's... he's running for revenge. +I can hardly wait to check the paper tonight. +Then we'll see how good you really are. +Now, the second race. +Maybe the boy didn't deliver the paper yet. +It could be up on the roof. +Kid's got a great pitching arm. Lots of speed, but no control. +Oh, here it is. +Yeah. +Now we'll cut you down to size, my boy. +Roger, are you a sporting man? +What do you have in mind? +If I picked eight winners again, you carry me into the house. +If I didn't, I carry you. +You're on. +You can put me down here, driver. +What on earth is going on? +You never carried me over the threshold. +My dear, you never picked eight horses in a row. +Again? +Again? +Yes. Eight yesterday, eight today. +It's only 16 winners. That's all the fuss about. +Kay, how much money do we have in the bank? +Oh, how fabulous. We'll all be rich. +My mink will be wearing sable. +A laden hatter's lamp. We have our Wilbur. +I wonder when the new model yachts come up. +How do you pick them? +Yes, when did you find out you had this power? +Tell us, Swami. +It all happened a few days ago. +I was on the phone with my mom, concentrating on some sketches. +All of a sudden, I had a strange sensation. +And I found myself circling horses on the sports page. +Too sour, too sour. +May I touch you? +Wilbur, what time do we leave for the track tomorrow? +Why wait for tomorrow? Aren't there any night races? +I'll milk-drive. +We'll have all the money we need. +Milk-drive? Why, with Wilbur on our side, +those kids are going to be drinking champagne. +Look, Roger, I don't bet, and I thought you were opposed to gambling. +My boy backing you is not gambling, it's hoarding. +Now get busy. Take him. Go ahead. +Get him a pencil. +Pencil? Here, Wilbur, take my pen. Keep it. Go on. +I don't like to bet. +You bet for matchsticks, we'll bet for money. +Honey, for the charity drive, please. +Well, if it's for charity, +I'd better go in the barn and concentrate. +You want me to carry you? +I'll help you. +Please. +What a brilliant man I married. +Oh, he's not just yours now, Carol. +He belongs to the world. +Hollywood Park, five million. +Hialeah, five million. +Ed, what do you mean you can't pick any more winners? +I don't like betting for money. +It's against my principles. +You got me into this. +They think I have the power. What can I tell them? +Tell them you blew a fuse. +Aqueduct. Short season, three million. +Come up. +Twenty-five million. +Give the government 24 million. +Oh, well. Easy come, easy go. +Oh, back so soon? +Where are your selections? +I don't have them. +Oh, you left them in your office, huh? +I'll go get them. Here, sit down, my boy. +Sit right here. Relax. +Roger, I haven't got any. +You haven't? +Oh, you don't like the horses today, huh? +Well, that's all right. We'll pick them some other day. +You know, nothing lost except the interest on the money. +Roger, I'm afraid I'm never going to pick the horses again. +Roger, I must have lost the knack. +I tried, but it just wouldn't come. +Sorry, Roger. +Why, darling, what's wrong? +We've been wiped out. +What? What happened? +Now I know how Benedict Arnold's wife must have felt. +Come, dear. +You're not in the house of a friend. +Please, my dear. +I'm not worth it. +Please, my dear. I'm not well. +Just look at them. +I wish Roger would start talking to Wilbur. +If only Wilbur would let him win a few races. +Oh, it's not Wilbur's fault he lost the knack of picking horses. +Does he ever talk in his sleep? +Sometimes. +Well, if he ever mumbles a long shot, jot it down. +I just read about a wonderful new spray for roses. +It's a homemade dust. +You mix nine parts of dusting sulfur with one part of arsenate of lead. +Who's going to win the first race? +I don't know. +Go play with your arsenate. +Uh-uh. +Uh-uh. +Ed, just one winner? +Just the seventh race. The big one? +No, I couldn't live with myself. +Ed, please. +May I quote you from Oscar Wilde? +Oscar Wilde? +He does not win who plays with sin. +Well, I've got one for you. +He gets no dinner who picks no winner. +What fool said that? +I did. +I mean... +Oh, I don't need your help. +I'll pick the seventh race myself. +That's easy. +Devil's tail. +Is it going to win? +Is it going to lose? +Is it a horse? +I think we need some fresh air. +Oh, I guess I shouldn't have volunteered to head our charity drive. +Maybe one of the other girls could do a better job. +Oh, don't blame yourself, sweetie. +It's the kids I'm thinking about. +That milk fund's very important to them. +I didn't make some bets yesterday when Wilbur picked all those winners. +Do you really think he's lost his touch? +Oh, he must have. +He certainly wouldn't refuse to pick winners to help a cause like this. +Say, Wilbur. +Yeah? +You should have told me it was for the milk fund. +You mean you're going to pick today's winners? +Only for today. +Oh, thanks, Ed. +Imagine picking Devil's tail. +That horse will finish two lengths behind his own tail. +Thanks, Ed. +Stop it. +What do I tell them? +There must be some other way to make money. +Wow. +Carol, hey, I've got the touch again. +I'm going to pick the winners today. +Oh, darling. +Oh, I'll tell Addison. +Addison! +Thank heaven you've come home to us. +Aren't you angry at me anymore? +Golden boy, was I ever angry with you? +I'll need a few minutes alone to make my selection. +Of course, of course. +Everybody out of the yard. +My friend wants privacy. +Out, out, out. +Adol! +Shh. +Do you think I'd look better in a blue yacht or a pink one? +Don't be chintzy, dear. +Why, both. +In the eighth race, who will be blue? +Five pounds over at 118 pounds. +Uh, king's ransom to win. +That's number three. +Thank you. +Number three, of course. +Buddy boy. +The horses are approaching the starting gate. +Let's go, honey. +Oh, I hope we win. +Oh, I can see those mink sails on my yacht now. +The starting gate. +The flag is up. +And coming around the turn, it's Clyver in front, +followed by blue boy, windstorm is up. +Where are you going, honey? +I want to be first in line to collect my money. +But we've got king's ransom. +And he's dead last. +Oh, I knew we couldn't do it three days in a row. +And at the top of the stretch, it's Clyver. +Clyver moving along the rail. +Oh, here comes king's ransom. +It's king's ransom. +Oh, and underhand with the boat. +Coming down the line, it's king's ransom. +Wait for me, golden boy. +Four winners in a row on all long shots. +You're a genius. +Four long shots in a row? +What's he got in this one? +Lady's choice. +Can't lose. +Can I have a look at it, please? +Follow my friend's advice. +It's like stealing money. +Lady's choice. +Likewise. +Wilbur, aren't you going to watch the race? +Why bother walking back to the box? +Let's just wait here for our money. +He sure is confident, ain't he? +My friend, a bank would lend you any amount on his predictions. +Lady's choice. +Number four, please. +Thank you. +Number four. +Likewise. +Likewise. +Well, who's going to win the next race? +Oh, why is one... +My selection is Bluebell. +Bluebell. +Bluebell. +Come along with me, please. +Mr. Post, according to Detective Weems, you picked six long shots in a row. +Is that against the law? +Of course not. +But as steward of this track, I am naturally curious about your good fortune. +Naturally. +Have you been getting advice from any of the jockeys? +No, sir. +The owners? +The trainers? +Then who has been advising you? +My horse. +Mr. Post, you promised to cooperate. +Now, you please tell us who has been giving you these tips. +Ed. +Ed who? +My horse doesn't have a last name. +He must have a last name. +I can see that you're not getting anywhere. +Gentlemen, I can clear this whole thing up with one phone call. +May I use your phone? +Go ahead, Ed. +Thank you. +Post residence. +Oh, Ed, it's me. +I'm at the racetrack. +Ed, isn't it true that you've been giving me all the winners today? +Sure, I gave you all the winners. +Hello, this is Mr. Gray, the steward. +Who is this? +Mr. Ed, the horse. +I don't know what you're doing, Post, but whatever it is, stop it. +Yes. +Oh, if either of you gentlemen want to bet the seventh race, the winner will be Prince Charming. +Prince Charming? +Yes, my horse just told me that Mrs. Prince Charming had a baby last week, so he'll be trying to win for the kid. +What happened to your friend? +Yeah, who are we going to bet on the seventh race? +I don't know. +Oh, yes, I do. +Here he is. +Wait. +Wait, wait, wait. +Quiet, quiet, please. +Quiet, everyone, please. +Ah, it is Prince Charming. +Prince Charming! +Prince Charming! +Prince Charming! +Attention, Prince Charming, number seven, has been declared. +Hey, did you hear that? +Prince Charming is back. +What's your next choice? +Come on, what is your next choice? +Please, please. +Don't panic. +My goodness, there's plenty of money for everybody. +Well, Wilbur? +I don't know. +Prince Charming was my only choice. +Oh, come on, you've got to have some other one you like. +Look at all the horses that are running. +Oh, please, come on. +Gentlemen, he has circled Devil's Tail. +Devil's Tail! +The horses are at the starting gate. +The big race is going to start pretty soon. +The girls had better hurry back. +What's the rush? +We didn't bet this race. +Well, all I'm winning is on Devil's Tail. +Oh, that's right. +I may sell my house and move into my bank. +What did you do? +Who told you to bet on Devil's Tail? +I did. +I borrowed your newspaper from your pocket. +That horse can't win. +I picked it myself this morning. +You picked all of them, darling. +They're off to that running. +He shouldn't have bet on Devil's Tail. +He hasn't got a chance. +Out in front, it's Devil's Tail on top by a break. +Six winners. +How greedy can you be? +It's Devil's Tail by a break. +Remember, I picked him all by myself. +It's Devil's Tail on top by a break. +I was just sitting in the office, you know. +Nobody yelled at me. +Just by sheer logic, I decided to pick on Devil's Tail. +And the deer's hopper still fighting on the outside. +He's holding it on Devil's Tail. +The winner of the third prize is Snowflake, +Snowflake, +and the winner of the second prize is Milk Flake. +Well, you can't win them all. +I can't bear to think of it. +My pretty blue yacht sank in the seventh race. +My twelve apartment building. +I think of all that money we could have had for that milk fund. +Oh, wait a minute, honey. +Here's some money for your milk fund. +Where did you get all this money? +I didn't bet on the seventh race. +You didn't? +My mother didn't raise me to be a gambler. +My mother didn't raise me to be a gambler. +Oh, you know where? +Right there, right there. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. +And no one can talk to a horse, of course. +That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A. +Go right to the source and ask the horse. +He'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. +Talk to Mr. A. +He'll booyakity yak the streak and waste your time a day. +But Mr. A will never speak unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. +And this one will talk to his voice, his voice. +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. A. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E14 Ed the Songwriter.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E14 Ed the Songwriter.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ea077d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E14 Ed the Songwriter.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,498 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Stay there, Wilbur, I'll get it. +Hello. +This is Paul Fenton. +Just a minute. +Thank you very much. +Mr. Fenton. +Oh, thanks, Ed. +I ought to teach you shorthand. +I'd look silly sitting on your lap. +Okay. +Hello, this is Mr. Post. +I'm Paul Fenton. +I'm looking for an architect to design my new house, and my sister-in-law, Kay Addison, +recommended you. +Kay? +Well, that's very nice of her. +Ed, quiet, this is important. +When can we get together, Mr. Fenton? +Can you meet me in my office tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock? +The address is 1040 North Sunset Boulevard. +I got it. +Yeah, I'll see you in the morning. +Thank you. +Well, that was nice of Kay, wasn't it, huh? +Buddy boy. +Yeah? +How about some oats for your secretary? +How about some more? +I'm a growing horse. +Keep pouring. +Okay, I want to thank you for the recommendation. +Your brother-in-law called me about his new house. +Oh, you'll love Paul, he's a doll. +Kay, is this the brother-in-law who owns that music publishing company? +Yes, it's a very popular company. +I have a father who owns it. +I'm the father of such immortal garbage as, +I call my mother father cause I never had a dad. +Oh, and that other masterpiece of his, +I'm all dressed up with a hole in my heart. +Well, that sold over 200,000 copies. +What fool would buy a thing like that? +Wilbur bought a copy for me. +Well, I got it free with a pound of prunes. +When are you seeing Paul? +At 10 o'clock tomorrow morning. +Should either of you gentlemen tell me if Mr. Fenton is in? +Oh, he's in, man. +But he's gone. +I mean, way out, man. +You dig? +Are you Post? +No, you must be Post. +Come on in. +Say, Mr. Fenton, we've been on ice here for a week. +Take five, boys. +Come in my office, Mr. Post. +Kay's been saying some wonderful things about you. +Musicians, musicians, millions of musicians, +but so few good songs, right? +Well, I'd take a look at this, my biggest smash. +I'm all dressed up with a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +I've got a hole in my heart, +you taking up another instrument? +♪ +♪ +I happen to be Scottish +and I'm very proud of the bagpipes. +Honey, you're so puffed up. +Maybe you'd better rest your face a while. +You don't like the bagpipes, do you? +Well... +it sounds like a cat yelling for help. +I'll overlook that. +Honey, Paul Fenton asked me to try to remember this tune, +and sometimes when you play an instrument, +a forgotten melody comes back. +I hate to say it, but I think you're scaring it away +with that noise. +-♪ +I'll get it. +Oh, hello, Paul. +Hi, Wilbur. I was just passing by when I... +Oh, vacuuming the house? +No, no, I'm trying to remember +the rest of that little tune for you. +Come on in. Oh, thanks very much. +Carol, this is Paul Fenton. It's my wife, Carol. +Hello, Mr. Fenton. My pleasure, Mrs. Post. +I just happened to be in the neighborhood, +well, not exactly in the neighborhood, +about eight or ten miles away, and I, uh, +I thought I'd drop in. +Wilbur, I hope you remember the rest of that tune. +It's been driving me mad. +Well, I'm trying to recapture it with my bagpipes. +Is he gonna play it or milk it? +I'm not sure myself. +-♪ +We thought your horse was in pain. +Oh, no. +Hi there, Sister-in-law, you great big, gorgeous, +beautiful thing you... +How I esphynx. +Hello, Paul. +Come, Kay, we were just leaving. +No, no, no, stick around. +Be right back, Paul. +I want to get that preliminary sketch for you. +Kay? +Maybe you can help us remember a certain tune. +What tune? +Well, that's the trouble, we don't know. +Yeah, Wilbur hummed a piece in my office this morning +that has all the makings of a great big hit. +Just what the country needs, +another record monstrosity. +Please, Roger, don't try to tell me how to pick songs. +I very rarely miss. +Yeah? +How about the time you turned down Easter Parade? +It's my fault. +I figured that song could be good for only one day +and I didn't even think about it. +I figured that song could be good for only one day a year. +What about White Christmas? +I gave that one a week. +And don't mention September Song or I may kill myself. +September Song. +Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, +do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, +do, do, do, do, do, do, do. +Shit. +Where did you hear that? +Hear what? +That tune, the one you were just humming. +Oh, that. +Just a little something I composed once. +You wrote a song? +It wasn't hoagie. +This is great. +I've been trying to remember that tune all day. +How does it go? +Give me an A, Wilbur. +An A, Wilbur. +No, no, no, no, no, no. +There must be a middle and an ending to this tune. +Let's try it again. +Sound like three wounded bumblebees. +Kay, can you give me one good reason why you married him? +I needed new shoes. +That's good enough. +Yeah, let's try it again. +I got it. +I got it. +I remember the whole tune. +Well, let's hear it, Wilbur. +Let's hear it. +Something I made up a long time ago. +Wilbur. +You made up a song? +It wasn't hoagie. +It's a mystery on my bagpipes. +You'll excuse me. +It's getting late. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. +Wilbur, couldn't you just hum it? +I'll let you build me a bigger house. +Good, let's hear it. +Paul, don't be so impatient. +I'm trying to write the words to this tune. +I'm working on it now. +Oh, well, just a minute. +He's here. +I'll ask him. +Paul wants to know if you want to invest some money in his company. +He figures this song of mine's gonna be a hit and he wants... +I don't think he's interested. +No. +Well, look, I'll call you back as soon as I finish the lyrics. +Okay. +Oh, Paul. +Say, how do you like the plans for the house? +Thanks. +We're seeing ya. +Moon, juice, boom, gloom, solo, spit tune. +Please, I'm trying to write the lyrics for our tune. +Our? When did I make you a partner? +I didn't know it was so tough to write lyrics. +Why don't you use mine? +Please, Ed, I'm trying... +You wrote words for your tune? +Well, if Gershwin could, why can't I? +Let's hear them. What's the title? +Pretty Little Filly. +Pretty Little Filly? That's cute. +She thought so, too. +She? +Yeah, the little filly I was running around with at the time. +Okay, Ed, let's hear the words. +Well, sound your A. +Okay. +Close enough. +I love it, Wilbur. I love the title, Pretty Little Filly. +It's great for the teenagers. +Now, let me hear the lyrics. +The lyrics? +Sure, Paul. He wants me to sing the lyrics. +Well, you ruined my song. +Better let me sing it. +Hello, Paul. +Look, there's a friend of mine here. He's gonna sing it. +He's got a much better voice than I have. +Are you listening? +Good. +Got to date a little later +When the moon is on the trail +With the cutest triple gator +My pretty little filly with a ponytail +It's beautiful. +Just beautiful. It can't miss. +It's got to be a hit, Wilbur. It's got to be a hit. +Paul seems like such a nice fellow. Why doesn't Roger like him? +I don't think Addison's ever forgiven him for what he did at our wedding. +Oh? What was that? +Paul is very emotional. +And when the minister pronounced his man and wife, +he rushed up and kissed me before Addison. +But I think that's terribly funny. +You do? +Yes. +What's so funny, Carol? +Kenny was just telling me something funny that happened to her at the beauty parlor. +Good news! Good news! +I just gave Paul my lyrics and he says +that Pretty Little Filly is gonna be his first big hit of the season. +That big lyric? +First big hit of the season. +That big loud mouth couldn't be first at anything. +He was at your wedding. +Paul told me what happened at the ceremony. +I hate a man who kisses and tells. +Hello? +Oh, yes, Paul. +What? +A 40-piece orchestra? +That's right. I'm setting up a recording date. +Oh, and tell your friend to keep himself available. +What friend? +The fellow with the deep voice. I want him to sing the song. +But does it have to be him? +Of course it has to be him! +He has just the right sound. +You don't understand, Wilbur. +He's the one who's going to make us rich. +Doesn't that make you happy? +Wilbur, say something. +No. +Ed, stop saying no. +No. +Stop it. +Fenton wants the same voice he heard on the phone to make the record. +Did you tell him I'm a horse? +Not yet. +Well, let's keep it that way, buddy boy. +But Ed! +You know I only talk in front of you. +I'm not asking you to talk. I'm asking you to sing. +You're quibbling. +I don't want to pressure you, Ed. +But if you don't make this record, +Fenton is liable to cancel a deal to build his house. +Hi, fellas. Is Mr. Fenton in? +Gee, man, I don't know. +We've only been here a month. +Wilbur, come on in. +Thank you. +Won't be long, boys. +Now, now, now. Sit down, Wilbur. +Make yourself comfortable. +What's it going to be, Wilbur? +Something to eat, drink? +I know, champagne. I'll order the works. +My friend can't sing the song. +Operator, get... +Can't sing the song? +We'll have to get somebody else. +Wilbur, I don't want anybody else. +I want the fellow with the deep voice. +He's got a quality that just fits me. +That just fits, pretty little filly. +Well, I'm sorry, but he isn't available. +Ah, he's out of town. +No, he's in my barn. +In that case, we get nothing. +He's in your barn? +Paul, my horse wrote the song. +Your horse wrote... +Ha! Ha! +What a sense of humor! +For a minute, you had me fooled. +Your horse wrote the song. +Ha, ha, ha, what a gig! +Wait till I tell the boys down at the club about this. +That's the funniest thing I've... +Wilbur, you're not laughing. +My horse really did write the song. +Wilbur, I'll get you a cold towel. +Look, he would tell you himself, +only he won't talk to anybody but me. +He won't... the horse. +He wrote the song? +Yeah. +He wrote the lyrics, too? +He just sat down at the piano and knocked off the tune? +A horse can't play the piano. +Of course not, his hooves are too big to get on the keys. +He has a harmonica. +Wilbur, let's face it. +You don't want me to have the song. +You want to sell it to a bigger company. +That is not true. +Aha! I know what it is, it's that Addison. +He's the one who's responsible for this whole thing. +Instead of kissing her at the wedding, +I should have shot him. +Paul, about the house... +maybe you'd like to get another architect. +Please, please. +How can I think about that now? +I still don't know why you won't tell us who your singer is. +What's the difference? He won't sing. +It's a shame. +I just talked to my sister, +and she says that Paul is just heartbroken. +Shake hands with your new partner. +Partner? +That song of yours kept running through my mind, +and I said to myself, this is going to be a hit. +I walked into Paul's office and said, +now Paul, forget about my personal feeling towards you, +this is business. +This song of Wilbur's can't miss, +and I want to get in on the process. +Well, he just looked at me, didn't say a word. +Just pocketed my check, +and why are you all staring at me? +Come, doll, I'll make you some cocoa and put you to bed. +But I don't want to go to bed. +You will after you hear the news. +Well, we just lost a neighbor. +Oh, no, honey, don't say that. +Why, Roger is a very intelligent man, +and when Kay explains to him what happened... +Oh, no! +Oh! +What were you saying? +We just lost a neighbor. +All right, getting late. +We better turn in. +Oh, honey, look. +All that fencing. He just won't give up. +Wilbur. +Paul, you're a good man. +You're a good man. +Paul, it's useless. +Wilbur, please talk to your friend. +Beg him to sing Pretty Little Filly for us. +It's a bright song, a happy song, +and the country could use a little cheering up now. +Don't ask me, ask him. +All right. +Still sticking to the same old story. +Our country needs my song, and you turn him down. +Me? +You'll benedict Arnold. +You mean you'll sing Pretty Little Filly? +On one condition. +One condition? What is it? +Now, listen. +You don't have to... +Morning, fellas. +No, no! Don't jump! +What jump? I was just fixing the Venetian blind. +Paul, I'm gonna record that song for you. +You? +Yeah. I'm the fellow with the deep voice. +That was me you heard on the phone. +Oh, come on. Now Wilbur, a joke's a joke. +Yeah, it's true. +It's just that when I sing in front of people, +I get nervous and my voice changes completely. +It's sort of like Jekyll and Hyde. +Jekyll and Hyde. +Jekyll sings high, and Hyde is the low one. +Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. +I'll get you a small recording studio. +No, no, no. No studio. +We'll record in my barn. +Barn? +The acoustics are just great. +You did say barn. +Well, where am I gonna put the orchestra? +No 40-piece orchestra. Just a small combo. +Man, we've cut records in some weird places before, +but this is the wildest. +Imagine. +Married to a man and I never even knew he could sing. +I was married to Addison for 10 years +before I found out he could wiggle his ears. +Give us a wiggle, doll. +Here he comes. +Excuse me, friends. It's showtime. +Oh, Wilbur. +Are you sure you want that horse in the same stall with you? +He's liable to make some noise. +Well, I hope he doesn't. +I don't know. +I don't know. +He's liable to make some noise. +Well, I hope so. +I mean, he's my good luck piece. +Thor horseshoes? +All right, fellas, stand by. +All right, men. +One, two. +Got to date a little later +When the moon is on the trail +With the cutest triple gator +My pretty little filly with a ponytail +Got a bag of oats to call with +Hey, I'll bring her by the bale +Want to share a double stall +With the pretty little filly with a ponytail +Gee, if she would just agree +She'd be mine today +But no matter when I ask +The answer's always nay, nay, nay, nay +If she'd name that day of wedlock +I would be there without fail +Got the ring made for her fatlock +The pretty little filly with a ponytail +Ponytail +Well, Ed, what do you think of our song? +It's a gas, sir. +Gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And no one can talk to a horse, of course +That is, of course, unless +The horse is the famous Mr. A +Go right to the source and ask the horse +He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse +He's always on a steady course +Talk to Mr. A +Heeple-yackity-yack a streak +A day, a day, a day, a day +But Mr. Ed will never speak +Unless he has something to say +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And this one will talk to his voice, his horse +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this +I am Mr. Ed +This has been a Filmways television presentation diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E15 Ed the Stoolpigeon.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E15 Ed the Stoolpigeon.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b6cf70f --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E15 Ed the Stoolpigeon.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,569 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +How are the carrots, Ed? +Delicious. +Want some more? +No, thanks, I've had it. +Wilbur? +Yeah? +I'm lucky. +Nice table, all the food I can eat, and a wonderful owner. +You deserve it, Ed. +Why don't you adopt me and make it legal? +You're already one of the family. +Minus you, Carol, and me. +Just the three of us. +That's my boy. +Wilbur, how would you like to join me for lunch? +You know, a nice meat sandwich, some french fried potatoes, pickles? +Sounds good. +Would you mind preparing it? +Why don't we wait until the girls get back, huh? +Oh, you know where my wife is? +She's with Carol. +Today they're working for the Humane Society. +There they go again. +Once again, our dear wives are off on another one of their civic projects. +In the meantime, we join the Legion of the Hungry. +Yep, stomach's synonymous. +There should be a Humane Society for husbands. +Oh, do you mind if I browse through your refrigerator? +I looked in mine and even the light was out. +Help yourself. +Thank you. +In the meantime, in case the cupboard is bare, throw me a carrot. +What's that? +You can bet it ain't a horse. +I wish Addison would let me buy a poodle. +Doesn't he like dogs? +He barely tolerates me. +Oh, come on, Pierre. +Come to your Aunt Kay. +Oh, girls. +Oh, hi, honey. +Cute little dog. +Whose is it? +Ours. +Oh, honey, Kay and I have been working at the pound and he was so cute, I just couldn't resist bringing him home. +Honey, I don't mind you getting a dog, but couldn't you get a man's dog? +I mean, these dogs are so frail and pute and... +Welcome to the family. +Well, he's a cute little thing, isn't he? +What's his name? +Pierre. +He's a lost dog. +Nobody claimed him. +If you offer him a biscuit, he rolls over. +If somebody offered me a biscuit, I'd roll over, too. +Oh, come on, doll. +I'll fix your lunch right now. +Did I neglect my sweetheart? +I don't know about him, but I'm starving. +Oh, come on. +Roger, wait. +Don't you want to see the cute tricks Pierre can do? +I do not like these barking, noisy creatures. +He can't forget the time that a dog bit him on the beach. +Neither can the dog. +I bit him right back. +Come on, Pete. +Come on, Pierre. +Let's see if you can do some tricks. +Yeah. +Oh, you're so cute. +Maybe you can sit up, huh? +Yeah, Pete. +Come on, Pierre. +Sit up. +Sit up. +Sit up. +Come on, sit. +Oh, look. +Hey, that's great. +Isn't that adorable? +Just the three of us here. +Carol, I want you and Wilbur to see the sweater that I got for little Pierre. +Sure, come on over. +Addison doll, wait till you see what I just bought. +Woman, have you no regard for money? +Of course. +I love it. +Then why do you get rid of it so fast? +How do you like it? +Beautiful. +Wear it in good health. +No, it's for Pierre. +My money is buying ermine for a dog? +How come you didn't buy a mink? +Don't be silly, doll. +It wouldn't go with his coloring. +Ermine for a dog, and I have to scrounge for a sandwich. +Carol, look what I got for Pierre. +Any dog would love it, wouldn't he? +Oh, it's adorable. +Wilbur, look, an ermine sweater for Pierre. +Oh, Roger, you shouldn't. +Oh, Wilbur, I didn't. +I hope it's the right size. +If it's too small, Pierre can always wear it as a stole. +Oh, Wilbur, look. +Hold still, Pierre. +You'll love every minute of it. +Beautiful fit. +Isn't it a beautiful fit, Roger? +Like the cut of a pocket. +I like it. +Darling. +It just suits him. +It's marvelous. +This town's not big enough for both of us. +That French mutt's gotta go. +It's one o'clock. +Up, Pierre. +Rise and shine. +Bark. +Wake up that Roger Addison. +Louder, Pierre. +Let's hear it for all day. +Come on. +Bark. +Bark. +That's a nice little stupid dog. +I knew this would happen. +I knew it. +I knew it. +Oh, please don't call, Wilbur. +It's one o'clock and you'll wake them. +Fine. +We'll have a pajama party. +Wrong number. +Please, doll, they're our friends. +Don't start anything. +I am not going to spend the rest of my life falling out of bed at one o'clock in the morning. +Calm yourself, sweetheart. +Oh, there's a nice doggie. +Doll. +Let's go to sleep. +Sorry I'm late with your breakfast, Ed, but I had to feed Pierre. +You know it's hard to find out what a little dog wants. +Well, that's okay. +As long as the little fella's happy. +Say, I hope his barking didn't wake you up last night. +What barking? +Didn't hear a thing. +Wilbur, there's something I'd like to talk to you about. +I know. +I'm sorry our dog woke you up last night. +It won't happen again. +Oh, you sold him? +No. +I'm going to spend the day teaching him not to bark. +You're a strange man, Wilbur. +First a horse, now a dog. +I hope the camels move in. +Anybody who doesn't like dogs is no good in my book. +Hey, meatloaf, rise and shine. +I'm Grouch Addison. +Come on, Pierre, bark. +Wilbur's training got to him. +Come on, Pierre, bark. +Like this. +Arf, arf, arf. +That's it, keep it up. +Never mind my butt pressure. +I'm going to get that mutter on Mugrazu. +Arf, arf, arf. +What's he worried about? +About him waking up out of a sound sleep. +Oh, poor baby. +I wonder why he was barking. +Maybe he heard a noise. +Impossible. +He would have awakened dead. +Wilbur, you promised. +I think I've been very nice about this. +You're absolutely right. +What's wrong with little Pierre? +What is wrong with him? +Carol thinks the dog may have heard a sudden noise. +That was me falling out of bed. +Kids, don't be angry with Addison. +He's a little nervous because he hasn't been sleeping very much lately. +I mean, bye now. +Why can't you fall asleep? +He can't count sheep. +Maybe he's hungry. +Oh, I'll give him some more milk. +Ed. +Coming, Mother. +Oh, hi, Wilbur. +What's up? +Pierre woke up the Addisons again with his barking. +That poor little pup. +He's probably teething. +He might be right. +He needs love, affection, someone who cares. +Ed, you are all heart. +Oh. +We got to do something for that little dog. +I sure will. +Operator, get me the police department. +Oh, come on, Roger. +We want you over for breakfast. +Roger? +Roger? +What? +Why is that, Wilbur? +We want you and Kay over for breakfast. +I'm sorry about last night. +I promise you it won't happen again. +What do you say, Roger? +Will you come over? +We're having your favorite, Kipper's. +Roger? +Huh? +Kipper's? +No, no, this is not the Kipper residence. +You have the wrong number. +This is Mr. Addison. +Roger, don't hang up. +This is Wilbur. +Carol is having your favorite for breakfast. +Kipper's. +Kipper's. +Well, why didn't you say so? +Yeah, we'll be right over. +Kipper's? +Okay, honey, they're coming. +Oh, wonderful. +Kay once told me that Roger loves Kipper's. +Well, he'll flip over yours. +Nobody kips a Kipper like you do, kid. +Mr. Post? +Yes? +You own a dog? +Yes, what's wrong? +We've had a complaint that your dog's barking is waking the neighborhood. +What? +This is a warning. +Next time, we'll have to take action. +Who complained? +Mr. Thompson. +Thompson? +Officer, there's no Thompson in this neighborhood. +Well, you know how it is. +Neighbors sometimes hesitate to use their right name. +I'd keep that dog quiet if I were you. +Mr. Thompson. +I wonder who that is. +Kipper's. +Oh, that heavenly older... +Hello, Roger. +Good morning. +Oh, they look delicious. +Did I forget to say, may I? +Don't act so innocent, Mr. Thompson. +What are you talking about? +We're talking about a man who would stab his neighbor in the back when his dog was turned. +Now, go in the house and play with Addison. +Good morning, darlings. +Look at the cute little booties that I bought for Pierre. +No Kippers for me, no booties for that hound. +Don't you call my dog a hound. +Kay, you belong to the Humane Society. +How could you let Roger do a thing like that? +What did he do? +Eat all the Kippers? +They've accused me of turning their dog into the police. +They did? +Well, that wasn't very nice of you, Addison. +Kay, I did nothing. +Now, wait a minute, Thompson. +And stop calling me Thompson. +Honestly, you two. +Please sit down, Roger. +Here, honey, sit down here, please. +It'll soon be just the three of us again. +Pierre ought to love that little doghouse. +I can't get over that guy calling the police. +He makes Fagin look like a Girl Scout. +That Addison. +He brings out the beast in me. +If only you could buy back my introduction to him. +Post? +What is it, Thompson? +You know my name. +It's on that hammer you borrowed last week. +Since when is your name Sears Roebuck? +That's my initials right there, R-A. +Oh, Rotten Apple. +See here, Post. +You're tarnishing my belt buckle. +For your information, it will never tarnish. +I gave you that belt for your birthday, +and the buckle is solid gold. +Gold-plated. +Oh, I suppose you had it priced. +I didn't have to. +You left the price ticket in the box. +I'm not ashamed of what I paid for it. +That cost me $13.95. +$3.95? +You put a one in front of the three. +Look, the stores don't close till five. +Maybe you can get your money back. +I don't care about the $3.95. +I... +I don't see you returning that tie I gave you for Christmas. +Oh, oh, oh. +Temper, temper, temper. +I gave you something for Christmas, too. +All right. +Happy now? +No. +I gave you a hat. +And stop being childish. +Me, childish? +You phone the police, and I'm childish. +I did nothing of the kind. +Oh, what's the use? +Please get up. +You are denting my dichondra. +Roger, what happened? +Wilbur, where's your shirt? +Well, Mr. Thompson here. +I'll explain. +Carol, whatever you saw in that man, +it's not there anymore. +Come on now, boys. +Wait, Roger. +Wilbur, make up. +Say something. +Okay. +Get off my property. +Wilbur, please. +I do not want to discuss it anymore. +Idiots. +Here's something for your nerves, doll. +How can Wilbur accuse me of turning in his dog? +You never know who your friends are +until a thing like this happens. +Oh, you're right, dear. +Now tell me, why did you call the police? +Kay, you've got to believe me. +Well, you really don't like Pierre. +May I lose every penny I have in the bank +if I call the police? +Now I believe you. +Carol, sweetie? +Right here, Kay. +Sweetie, we've got to get this thing settled once and for all. +Now, where's Wilbur? +Upstairs. +Kay, if Roger would only apologize to Wilbur. +Well, that's why I came over. +Addison never called the police. +Are you sure? +He swore on his money belt, +and that's good enough for me. +Wilbur? +Wilbur? +Yes? +Kay is here, and she said that Roger +did not make that phone call. +Oh, then he's not really Mr. Thompson. +Well, if he were, then I'd be Mrs. Thompson. +Mr. Post? +I've just had another complaint. +I'm sorry, but I've come to pick up your dog. +What complaint? +That same Mr. Thompson again. +Does he sound like he had a mustache? +I don't know who he is, +but he sure doesn't like barking dogs. +Excuse me. +I'm afraid I'll have to pick up your dog. +Where is he? +He's out playing. +I'm afraid I'll have to pick up your dog. +Where is he? +He's out back. +Just a minute, officer. +Do you have a warrant to arrest that dog? +Yes, have you got one? +Oh, come now, folks. +Every dog has its rights. +Take it easy. +Our constitution guarantees freedom of speech. +A dog can't speak, so he barks. +Look, I've got a job to do. +Now, where'd that dog go? +There he is! +Come on! +Right here! +Right! +Right here! +Doll, you've got to take something for your nerves. +Kay, I did not make that first call nor the second, +and I don't understand why Wilbur doesn't believe me. +Well, sweetie, sometimes you don't believe me either. +We're married. +I'll have another pill. +I don't need a pill. +I've got one living next door, +and I'm going over there to talk with him right now. +But, Addison, dear, please, you'll be sick. +You're so nervous. +Bark! +Bark! +Bark! +Bark! +Bark! +Excuse me. +Excuse me. +Excuse me. +You get out of my house. +I'm going to get my dog. +But, Addison, you wanted to speak to Wilbur. +In his house. +He's not welcome in my house. +I don't want guys like you that give stool pigeons a bad name. +Excuse me, doll. +That way. +Excuse me. +Excuse me, please. +Will you kindly leave my house? +I'd like to take my arm with me. +And I'll thank you never to bother my lawnmower again. +Don't worry. +The next time I catch you sniffing my roses, +I'll phone the police. +Did the dog run through here? +Post the minute you moved in next door, +I knew there'd be trouble. +Excuse me. +A man that would turn in a little dog. +Excuse me. +Who would sell out his own brother. +And at a profit. +I don't have a brother. +The best thing that could have happened to him. +What are you doing here, you little troublemaker? +Ed, is Pierre in there? +No, I haven't seen the little angel. +Addison called the police again. +They want to take Pierre back to the pound. +Well, maybe the little fellow would be happier there. +Ed, don't say that. +When a dog gets marked as a troublemaker, +nobody wants him. +He'd spend the rest of his life in the pound. +The rest of his life? +Yes, and he's just a little puppy. +Imagine Pierre being locked up for the rest of his life. +No family, nothing. +I never thought of that. +That's what'll happen to Pierre. +Locked up until he's too old. +And then... +Wilbur. +Yeah? +I've got a confession to make. +Confession? What? +I am Mr. Thompson. +What? +You made those phone calls? +Yeah. +Ed, why did you do it? +Since Pierre came here, you don't know I'm alive. +Oh, Ed. +You've got no reason to be jealous. +Well, there's nobody around here could ever take your place. +You mean that, Wilbur. +Of course I do. +Ed, we're buddies. +Let's shake on it. +All right, let's shake. +There. +Ahem. +Well, am I keeping you up? +Pierre. +Did you see the dog? +Officer, you can forget about it. +Mr. Thompson said he's calling off his complaint. +He did, huh? +Yes. +He said he'd call the police station and talk to the sergeant personally. +I wish that Thompson would make up his mind. +Quiet, boy. +What did you say? +Believe me, I didn't say anything. +I suppose it was the horse. +It was. +Okay, I'm so worried. +Where could Pierre be? +Maybe that officer found him and took him back to the pound. +Oh, no. +The poor little thing. +Roger. +Roger, I'm sorry. +I know you didn't call the police. +Mr. Thompson just told me that he did. +Are we still friends? +Now, really, Addison. +Pierre. +You've been protecting him. +I have not. +I don't know how he got here. +Do you see now why I married this cupcake? +Let's not get mushy. +He likes you, Mr. Thompson. +I mean Roger. +That's right. +So I'll get him. +Here he is now. +Wilbur, tell them all. +Thanks, Dick. +Hello. +Yes, this is Mr. Post. +Little dog? +He's right here, yeah. +Yes, he's a gray miniature poodle. +With the Dutch trim, that's right. +Oh. +Well, okay. +Thank you very much. +Goodbye. +That was the pound. +They've located Pierre's owner. +It's a little boy. +Gee, I'll miss this pup. +We all will. +Well, I better go and tell Carol. +Uh, Wilbur. +What? +Get that little boy's address, will you? +What for? +Well, I might just want to nip Pierre something one of these days. +Oh, and just like I said, you're all hot. +Uh. +I wonder if you can understand what I've been saying, Pierre. +I like you. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. +And no one can talk to a horse, of course. +That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A. +Go right to the source and ask the horse. +He'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. +Talk to Mr. A. +He'll go yakety-yak the street and waste your time a day. +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. +And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse. +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E16 Psychoanalyst Show.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E16 Psychoanalyst Show.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..79c3193 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E16 Psychoanalyst Show.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,521 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +You know, I receive so many letters from you girls, and the letters kind of go like this. +Dear Jack LaLanne, will you please show us something to firm up the hips? +All right, I want you to lie on your side, face me. +Then I want you to lift your leg as high as you can, just like this. +Now let's all do this. +Ready? +Begin. +One and two, that's it, and higher and down, up, down, and rest. +One, two. +That was fine, perfect. +Now, the next move we're going to do, we're going to have to be standing on our feet, +so everyone get up. +Come on, everyone, up on your feet. +That's it, up, up, up, up, up. +We always have somebody that's a kind of a slow one. +Get up, get up, up on your feet. +Great, that's it. +Now the next exercise is dedicated to all of you who want to have a lovelier neck. +That's for me. +Nice. +Let's all begin together. +Ready? +Go. +One, two, that's it, slowly, up and down and around. +That's it, and one and two. +That's it, and one and two. +That feels good. +Now the next exercise is something to firm up the waistline so you can look much nicer +in your clothes. +Here's how it goes. +We go first right, then to the left. +Now you go with me. +Ready? +Begin. +One, two, one, two. +Swing it. +Right. +One, two. +Get way out. +That's it, feel the waistline tightening up. +One, two. +Out, in. +One, two. +One, two. +One, two. +And you and this television set. +Oh, Wilbur. +You left it on again last night. +I fell asleep. +Get me a remote control and it won't happen. +Remote control. +Next thing you'll be asking for is a color television. +Oh, no. +I may be a horse, but I'm not a pig. +Dishes just no end. +In our house, my husband does them. +Kay, you're always joking. +I've been in your house when you did the dishes. +Yeah, but that's only on the nights when my husband does the cooking. +Hello, girls. +Oh, say hi, Wilbur. +I'm glad you came in. +Would you do me a great favor? +You can have anything I've got. +My horse, my house, my mortgage. +That's exactly what I want. +Our mortgage? +No, that's what I call being a good neighbor. +Oh, no, no, no. +I'd like to borrow Mr. Ed for this Saturday. +Oh, you want to take him for a ride? +Me? +I wouldn't ride a horse if he came with whitewall tires. +No, it's from my little niece, Peggy. +Oh, is she feeling any better? +Quite a bit. +You know, I got a letter from her this morning and she wants more than anything else to ride +Mr. Ed again. +Oh, sure. +When's she coming to town? +Well, she can't leave Mountain Springs for a while. +She's still recuperating. +So I guess we'll just have to take Mr. Ed up to see her, huh? +Oh, honey, can we? +It's all right with me. +I don't think Ed has anything planned for the weekend. +Oh, thanks, Wilbur. +Killings, shootings, violence. +Is this for our children? +You know something, man? +We're going to see little Peggy again. +Oh, swell. +When is she coming over? +Well, she's at Mountain Springs, still recuperating. +We're going up there. +Mountain Springs? +How high is that? +It's about 3,000 feet. +No, no, the deal's off. +Why? +I've got acrophobia. +Acrophobia? +That's a fear of high places. +I know what it is, but I didn't know horses could be afraid of heights. +Why not? +I'm a human. +Mountain Springs is only 3,000 feet. +Please. +I get dizzy when I look down my nose. +Ed, it's for little Peggy. +Don't you want to help her? +Sure, but let's face it, Wilbur, I'm yellow. +Ed. +I don't want to talk about it anymore. +My horse is chicken. +That's right. +I'm going to go. +Ed, I promised Kay that we'd go to Mountain Springs this weekend to see her niece. +Oh, a fine thing. +All the favors that I've done for you, and this is the way you repay me. +All right. +You can just forget about that remote control, said buddy boy. +Wilbur, to whom are you talking? +Myself. +Didn't you ever talk to yourself? +Not since I've been married. +Are you all right? +You'd never better. +Look, about little Peggy. +I just talked with her on the phone. +Wilbur, you have no idea what a wonderful thing you are doing for that child. +Just the idea of seeing Mr. Ed again has filled that child's heart with happiness. +Yeah. +Well, Roger, I'm afraid you're going to have to get yourself another horse. +Ed can't make it this Saturday. +He can't make it? +Why? +Is anything wrong with him? +Well, I, uh, we... +Got a sore foot. +Peggy is going to be terribly disappointed. +I'd better tell Kay. +Oh, no. +I just haven't got the heart to call that child and tell her the bad news. +I don't understand it. +When I saw Mr. Ed this morning, he seemed perfectly all right. +Well, why don't we rent another horse? +Peggy would never know the difference. +Oh, of course she would. +It's very hard to fool a little girl. +Kay. +Kay, I'm sorry. +If it would help any, I'd throw a saddle on my back and let Peggy ride me. +It's not your fault, Wilbur. +After all, if the horse... +Well, your horse seems to have made a remarkable recovery. +Yeah, well, Ed suffers from a chronic broken leg. +I mean, it comes and goes. +Well, I might as well tell you the truth. +Ed's got acrophobia. +Acrophobia? +What? +Yeah, that's a fear of heights. +It runs in the family. +Wilbur, you've been talking very strangely today. +Do you feel all right? +I feel fine. +He just invented that story so he wouldn't have to lend us his horse. +Oh, but Wilbur, you promised. +Honey, I'm sorry. +Acrophobia. +You know, I'm beginning to develop a case of neighbor phobia. +Come here. +Indian giver. +You believe me, don't you? +Of course I believe you're an Indian giver. +Ed, I think I've got it. +The answer to your problem is hypnotism. +You see, Ed, you're suffering from a phobia. +Would you stop chewing those carrots while I'm talking to you? +You ain't hypnotizing me, Svengali. +I'm just going to put you into a little trance and then make a few post-hypnotic suggestions +to your subconscious. +I got a better suggestion. +Give me back my carrot. +Yeah. +Now, just do as I say now. +Watch the watch. +Now, you're getting sleepy. +Sleepy, sleepy. +Your eyes are getting heavy. +You... are... asleep. +Rock-a-bye, baby. +Now, cut that out. +Rock-a-bye, baby. +Now, cut that out. +Don't you want to lick this height phobia +and help that little girl? +Okay, I won't horse around. +Now, don't talk at all. +You just make your mind a complete blank. +This is ridiculous. +Relax. +You are getting sleepy. +Sleepy. +Sleepy. +Oh. +Keep your eye on the nice new watch now. +Oh. +What are you doing? +Hmm? Oh. +Oh, I was just winding my watch. +I'm glad you wind it with that little knob on top. +Oh, well, I got tired of winding it that way. +I thought I'd just break the monotony of winding my watch. +Wilbert, do you feel all right? +Of course I feel all right. +Why do you always ask that? +Lunch will be ready in a few minutes. +Thank you, honey. +Well, he certainly has been acting rather odd. +Now, Carol, I don't want to worry you, +but I caught Wilbert talking to himself earlier today. +Yeah, and that business about his horse having acrophobia. +And now waving his watch to wind it. +Roger, maybe there's something on his mind that he can't tell me. +Will you please have a talk with him? +Well, of course. Now, don't you worry. +Everything is going to be all right. +Just leave it to me. +Thank you, Roger. +Don't bother. +What do you think, doll? +I think some psychiatrist can start warming up his couch. +Maybe he does need psychiatry. +Why don't you suggest it to him? +I will, but I'll have to be very subtle. +You know, those who need help most usually resist. +Their id is in a continual state of turmoil. +But I'll try. +Goodbye, Sigmund. +Well, winding your watch, I see. +Uh, yeah, yes. +Well, that reminds me. I forgot to wind mine. +Wilbur, I need your advice. +Oh, yeah? +What can I do for you? +Well, it concerns a friend of mine. +He's been under a good deal of tension lately, and he's acting rather strangely. +I was wondering what I could do to help him. +How about a doctor? +Psychiatrist. An excellent suggestion. +You know, there's a time in every man's life when he needs outside help to get rid of his neuroses and phobias. +Phobia? +I know just the doctor for my friend. +Yeah, well, look, I, uh, I have a friend who has that kind of problem. +Would you give me your doctor's name and address? +Oh, sure, of course. Yes. +Here. Write it down. +Right. Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah. +Why are you writing with a carrot? +Don't you always write with a carrot? +No, no, I, I use a pencil. +You better get a hold of yourself, Roger. +Psychiatry. I'm sure my friend will appreciate this. +Uh, yes, uh, yeah. +Thanks, Roger. +I'm worried about him, Ed. +He was trying to write with a carrot. +Oh, well. +Dr. Bruce Gordon. +Wilbur. +Yeah? +No head shrinkers for me. +Sure. +Hello, Dr. Bruce Gordon? +This is Wilbur Post. +Roger Addison recommended you to me. +Roger, it's him. +Yes, Mr. Post, what can I do for you? +I'd like an appointment. +All right, Mr. Post, when would be convenient? +Well, could you come to my barn? +Your barn? +Yeah. +I'd come to your office, but my horse won't ride in the elevator. +He's in big trouble. +Your horse? +Yes, he's the patient. +He's afraid of heights. +This is a classic case. +He says he has a horse that has a fear of heights. +So that's it. +Wilbur has acrophobia and he's afraid to let anyone know. +That's why he canceled his trip to the mountains. +That's the least of his worries. +I don't usually make barn calls, Mr. Post, +but since you're a friend of Roger's, I'll accommodate you. +Thank you, doctor. +Can you be here at 2 o'clock sharp? +Yes. +You see, my wife goes to the beauty parlor, so my horse and I will be expecting you. +Goodbye. +Goodbye. +Bruce, you're doing me a great favor. +You're doing me a greater favor. +I think this ought to get me the lead article in the psychiatric journal. +A horse. +Interesting. +Well, Ed, Dr. Gordon will be here at 2 o'clock. +You're wasting your time. +I don't talk to anybody except you. +Ed, please, don't worry. +I've thought of that. +I'm going to make the doctor believe that I am the patient. +We don't look alike. +Here's my plan. +The doctor will go into my office. +I'll go into the stall with you. +Behind closed doors, he'll think he's talking to me. +Ha! Ha! He will be, because I ain't going to be there. +Ed, please. +Please, Ed. +Little Peggy, this dear little girl is recuperating, +and she wants to see you. +Now, Ed, you want to help her, don't you? +Okay, okay. +Stop with the hearts and flowers. +Why don't we go into your office, Mr. Post? +I don't want my horse to hear this. +Oh. +What if he did? +Then he wouldn't talk. +I see. +Your horse talks. +Well, that's what I want to tell you. +You're going to be the only other person who knows that he does. +Good, good. +I'm honored. +But let's get started. +I have a long paper to write when this is over. +Yes, Mr. Doctor. +Now, Doctor, you go into my office, +and I'll go into the stall, +and the next voice you hear will be mine. +We're all set, Ed. +Okay, Doctor, I'm ready when you are. +Now, Mr. Post, I want you just to relax +and tell me all about yourself. +Now, what is your earliest recollection? +At birth, I weighed 68 pounds. +68 pounds? +Yep. +I was an incubator baby. +About your acrophobia, Mr. Post, +when did the first syndrome manifest itself? +Make him talk English. +He wants to know when your phobia started. +Oh, why didn't he say so? +It's a family curse. +It started when my great-grandfather fell off a cliff. +How did that happen? +He was chasing a filly. +She made a sudden stop. +Vuh-vuh-vuh-vuh! +Goodbye, Grandpa. +Yes, yes, go on. +After your grandfather fell off the cliff, what happened? +Well, it kind of knocked the wind out of that romance. +How old was your grandfather at the time? +Nine years old. +Mr. Post, I think we've had enough for one day. +Will you come out now, please? +Doctor, before you go, may I ask you one question? +Well, certainly. +Brrr! +Doctor, how do you overcome this fear of heights? +Well, we overcome a phobia by doing the thing we fear. +Oh, you mean by forcing yourself to climb to a high place, you might conquer this fear. +Precisely. +Louder. +Precisely. +Thank you, Doctor. +I'll walk you to your car. +What do you think, Doctor? +It's amazing. +This will make medical history. +You don't know what a relief it is to know that somebody else besides me knows that my horse talks. +Fantastic case of schizophrenia. +Mr. Post, you are part architect, part horse. +No, I've been... +No, no, that's my horse that was talking. +Doctor, you've got to believe me. +Just relax. +The first step toward recovery is knowing your illness. +I'm not sick. +Of course not. +Of course not. +Now, about your next appointment. +I don't need any appointment. +It's him. +Shall we say tomorrow in your stall or in my office? +It's not my stall. +I'm not a horse. +Good. +You see? +You're improving already. +Well, I'll see you tomorrow. +Uh, don't call us. +We'll call you. +You heard what the doctor said. +The only way to lick your fear of heights is by going up to a high place. +You'll have to carry me. +I'll think of something. +Honey? +How about a kiss? +How high are we? +Oh, just a few feet. +How much is a few? +Well, why don't you take a look for yourself? +No, no. +Ed, you are a coward. +We've already established that. +Come on, Ed. +Look. +Can't. +I'm in a trance. +Ed, come on. +Take a look. +Fred, somebody's watching us. +I'll be right back, Bernice. +Come on. +One little peek. +Hey, fella, what are you, a peeping tom? +I beg your pardon? +How long are you going to be here? +Oh, just a few minutes. +Well, hurry it up, will you? +Why didn't you bell him, Watt? +You're being obvious. +You're just trying to cause trouble so he'll chase us away from here, +and you won't have to look down. +Come on, Bernice. +No, not here. +That's telling him, Bernice. +Ed, be quiet. +You're getting me in trouble. +Well, are you taking me down? +Not until you look over the edge. +Come on, Bernice. +Don't kiss that slobber. +You're really a joker, aren't you? +No, no, that wasn't me. +Now, listen. +I'm going to tell you just once. +Beat it. +Make me fat so. +Okay, buddy. +You asked for it. +Shall I call the boys, Wilbur? +Uh, yeah. +The fellow's looking for trouble. +Got to round up the whole gang. +They're just around the bend. +Boy, look, take it easy, will you? +Just forget it. +Forget it. +Okay, Ed. +You win. +Let's go home. +Hey, Wilbur, look. +The San Fernando Valley. +Ed, you're looking down there. +You beat the phobia. +Yeah, what do you know? +Ed, you're going to make a certain little girl +very happy tomorrow. +Wilbur. +What? +Has a horse ever climbed a Matterhorn? +Not today. +Wilbur, wasn't it worth the trip +just seeing Peggy's face light up +when she saw Mr. Ed? +Yeah. +Maybe we'll go up there again next week, huh? +Honey, I'm so glad you're your old self again. +Well, licking my fear of heights +had a lot to do with it. +I'm so proud of you, darling. +Don't be too long now. +Be right with you. +Ed, this has been such an exciting day, +I doubt if I'll be able to sleep tonight. +Buddy boy, look in my eyes. +You're getting sleepy. +Sleepy. +Sleepy. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And no one can talk to a horse, of course +That is, of course, unless the horse +Is the famous Mr. Ed +Go right to the source and ask the horse +He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse +He's always on a steady course +Talk to Mr. Ed +He'll yackety-yack a streak +And waste your time a day +But Mr. Ed will never speak +Unless he has something to say +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And this one will talk to his voice +This horse, you never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E17 A Man for Velma.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E17 A Man for Velma.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..695f8f5 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E17 A Man for Velma.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,540 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Carol, where are you? +In the kitchen. +You shouldn't be working with that sprained wrist. +I want to get dinner ready for Wilbur. +Well let me help. +Oh, thanks, Kay. +Hand me the chicken, will you? +It's in the refrigerator. +One chicken coming up. +Oh, no, I... +Oh, poor doll, he doesn't have a thing to wear. +Just put it in the pot and light the stove. +Oh, no, the little fellow's gone through so much already. +Sweetie, why don't you let me prepare dinner for all of us tonight? +You know, salad, steak, mushrooms, apple pie. +Thanks, Kay. +But I know you hate to cook. +You're so right. +We'll eat out, I'll call Addison. +Okay, really. +Wilbur's on the phone. +Thank you. +I'll have your address, yes. +And Velma, it'll just be for the one week, eh? +There won't be much housekeeping to speak of. +Most of your work is gonna be done in the kitchen. +Cooking. +All right, I'll pick you right up. +Thank you, goodbye. +Well, Ed? +Gisoon, hi. +Carol's gonna be surprised when she finds out I've hired a cook to help her. +That's the trouble with us Americans, we spoil our women. +Oh, come on, Carol's a great cook, you know that. +It's just that she sprained her wrist. +Sure, how did she sprain it? +The can opener slipped. +Gisoon, hi, again. +Velma Pinkney, she sounds very efficient. +Thank you very much. +You're welcome. +You know, I think I'm allergic to your hay. +What are you complaining about? +I have to eat this stuff. +Wilbur, did you call that cook I recommended? +Just going now to pick her up. +Good. +I hope you didn't tell Kay about my surprise, because she is sure to tell Carol. +Oh, no, no, no, no. +I learned my lesson 20 years ago when I told Kay a secret. +What secret? +That I was single. +I should have known. +Look, we want you and Kay to be our guests tonight for dinner. +I mean, the way you talk about this Velma, she must be a wonderful cook. +Oh, she is, great. +But that's the story of my life. +The only time I ever get a good home-cooked meal is when I go to somebody else's... +Go to somebody else's house. +Married men. +Boy, am I glad I'm a bachelor. +This is it, Velma. +I'll tell Mrs. Post you're here. +You'll be surprised. +Honey? +Carol? +Hi, dear. +Surprise for you, honey. +Say hello to Velma, our new cook. +She's going to be with us for a week. +Oh, thank you, darling. +Hello, Velma. +Hello, Mrs. Post. +You happy? +Oh, darling, you're the most wonderful husband in the world. +One thing about my wife, Velma, she always tells the truth. +Oh, hang on to it, Mrs. Post. +A good man is hard to find. +Any man is hard to find. +At my age, even a bad man is hard to find. +Well, there'll be four for dinner tonight, Velma. +I invited Roger and Kay over. +Well, I know you'll be happy here. +Be in my office, dear. +Okay, dear. +I'll show you to your room. +Oh, what a nice man. +Mrs. Post, have you got a butler working for you? +No. +A chauffeur? +No. +Well, on my day off, it looks like solitaire again. +Oh, by the way, do you have your milk delivered? +Yes. +Is the milk man married? +He has kids. +You don't have to rub it in. +Color feast. +Velma, this dinner is delicious. +Oh, thank you. +Marvelous. +Oh, it's perfect. +I'd never do anything like it. +This wasn't a dinner. +This was a banquet. +Oh, this meal is so beautiful. +I could wear it. +That soup is a collector's item. +Oh, honey, thanks again for Velma. +She's the nicest present you've ever given me. +She were a little smaller, I would have had her gift wrapped. +Wilbur, can I open a charge account here? +Oh, no, darling. +We mustn't take advantage. +We should meet here over four or five times a week. +Thank Alaska. +Oh, beautiful, beautiful. +Velma, your hand should be immortalized at Grauman's Chinese. +Oh, Mr. Fose, thank you. +The good ones are always married. +Thank you. +Thank you very much. +Oh, Velma's such a jewel. +I wonder why the Johnsons let her go. +She quit. +I understand she was engaged to the butler Henry and they broke up. +Oh, that's too bad. +She's such a nice woman. +I hope she finds somebody. +If you wouldn't mind, my dear, I'd marry her myself. +She'd cook for us. +I'd let you. +Sure going to hate to lose her at the end of the week. +Well, if it'll make you feel any better, honey, I'll sprain the other wrist. +Please? +Oh, boy, pizza. +It's for your horse, Mr. Post, a carrot pizza. +For your horse? +Yeah, he loves Italian food. +He's got sugar cubes, I have to feed him breadsticks. +Oh, you like Velma's pizza, huh? +When I worked at the Johnsons, so did my boyfriend Henry. +He ate like a horse, too. +He should only choke. +Do you know I fed that man like a king for four years? +And what happened? +I got the brush. +Man, who needs him? +I do. +Henry's loss is my gain. +Man, this pizza is molto bene. +Santa Lucia. +Santa Lucia. +This is your last homemade pizza, Ed. +Carol's wrist is better and Velma's leaving tonight. +Not so loud. +I don't want my stomach to know it's back to hay again. +You know, she sure fattened you up. +Wow. +Another week, you'll have to get a girdle for you. +Don't let her go, Wilbur. +My friends say I never look better. +I'm going to try to talk her into staying last night, but she wants a job where she +can meet men. +All right, throw a USO dance for her. +I might just do that. +Last piece. +There's only one thing that would make her change her mind, if she met a man. +And that's one thing you can't buy at the supermarket. +How about the postman, Mr. Hodges? +Married. +The plumber? +Married. +Do you think she'd wait for the newsboy to grow up? +I'm ready to leave, Mr. Post. +Will you drive me to the bus station? +Sure. +Now, Velma, if you weren't leaving, what would you be cooking for dinner tomorrow? +I was going to start with little individual cheese souffles. +Cheese souffles. +Cheese souffles. +Artichoke hearts with sour cream dressing. +Sour cream dressing. +Sour cream dressing. +Then? +My main course would be a tornado of beef with Bearnaise sauce. +Bearnaise sauce. +Bearnaise sauce. +And for dessert? +Cherries Jubilee. +Cherries Jubilee. +What are we having for dinner tomorrow? +I'm not sure. +The label washed off the can. +Goodbye, Mrs. Post. +It was so nice working for you. +Well, if you ever change your mind... +Excuse me. +Hello? +Yes, she's here. +Velma, it's for you. +A man. +A man? +Hello? +Yes, this is Velma. +Who's this? +Walter. +Walter who? +Just call me Walter. +Until we know each other better. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +Walter. +That's even better. +Who are you? +Just a secret admirer. +What do you want? +I've watched you from a distance and I adore you. +I don't speak to strange men. +Are you married? +I've never trotted down that middle aisle. +He sounds like a Harvard man. +What do you have in mind? +I'll call you tomorrow. +Will you be there? +Of course I'll be here tomorrow. I'll be here all week. +I work for the Post. +Yes? +Cherries. +Chupuli. +Cheese souffle. +Hello, Ed. +Hello, Wilbur. +Isn't it wonderful about Velma finding a boyfriend and staying? +Yeah. +Just a minute. +Uh, here's the menu I wrote out for my dinner tonight. +Dinner? +Oat cocktail. +Home fried carrots. +Baked apple with alfalfa sauce. +No. +And lobster thermidor. +Lobster thermidor? +That's in case you want to eat with me. +Oh, you're very thoughtful. +Just give Velma the menu and leave her a good tip. +Well, later, Ed. I got work to do. +All right. +Lobster thermid... +Lobster thermidor. +Wilbur! +Velma is leaving! +What, again? +But what happened? She said she'd stay. +Remember that phone call she got from that fellow Walter last night? +Well, he didn't call back, so she's packing. +Maybe I better have a talk with her. +I don't think it'll do any good. She's made up her mind. +Well, I guess Walter has to turn on the old charm again. +Velma? +Yes, Mr. Post? +Velma, can't we sit down and talk this over? +Mr. Post, the only reason I stayed, I was expecting a call from that fellow, Walter. +But there are other men. +Yeah, and I'm going looking for them. +Maybe I could break our TV set and ask for a bachelor repairman. +With my luck, he'd be 90 years old. +No, I'm ready to go now, Mr. Post. +Oh, goodbye, Mrs. Post. I enjoyed working for you. +Well, good luck, Velma. +Oh, wait just a minute, please. +Hello? +Yes, she's here. +Velma, it's for you. +A man. +Hello? +It's me, my love, Will. +What happened? I was waiting for your call. +I, uh, I just lost my nerve. +Oh, you're shy. +Oh, we're perfect for each other. +I'm shy, too. +Cherished jubilee? +Well, goodbye, my love. I'll call you tomorrow. +Tomorrow? If you don't meet me tonight, I won't be here. +Uh, then it's tonight. I'll meet you outside the patio after dinner. +Good. +Oh, I, I hope you're as handsome as you sound. +I am, but it all depends on your point of view. +Au revoir, chérie. +Almost eight o'clock. +I hope that Walter shows up. +The girls have been up there working on Velma for an hour now. +I certainly hope they've prettied her up a little. +Velma deserves happiness. You know, she has so much to offer a man. +Friendship, warmth, loyalty. +Stroganoff, lasagna, shish kebab. +If she leaves, I'll kill myself. +Well, she'll be right down. +How does she look? +Anxious. +I can't even get a hold of you if we're going to make that movie. +Yeah. Roger, would you mind looking in on Ed? +Make sure that barn window's closed. +Oh, sure, sure. +Here she comes. +Velma, you look beautiful. +Oh, Mr. Potter. +Beautiful? She's positively enchanting. +Won't you be late for the movie? +Oh, yes, yes. Come on, honey, let's go. +Have a nice time, Velma. +Have a good time. +Good night, Val. +Thank you. Good night. +Velma, have fun. +Have a good evening, Velma. +Is that you, Walter? +It's me. You look beautiful, Velma. +Why don't you come over here where I can see you? +I told you, I'm shy. +Don't be like that. +We're all alone. +Don't come any closer, Velma. +Oh, why, Walter? +You don't have to be that shy. +Hello, Velma. +You... +You ought to be ashamed of yourself. +For doing this? +Does your wife know? +Of course, I just told her. +Well, I'm not that broad-minded. +What's the matter with that woman? +What's she talking about, broad... +What's the matter with me talking to a horse? +He had to show up. +Now I'm back to hay again. +Velma! +Is Romeo here? +Who? +Your husband, our boyfriend. +What are you talking about? +When he complimented me and kissed my hand, +I thought he was only after my cooking. +Addison? +I'll be your witness in court. +Oh, now, just a minute. +There must be a mistake. +Ask your husband what happened in the backyard. +What did happen? +Let Walter tell you. +Walter? +That's your husband. +Now, Velma, I'm sure you must be mistaken. +I don't want to hurt your feelings, +but I just can't imagine my husband leaving me for... +For me? +Mrs. Addison, I may not be as pretty as you, +but when it comes to cooking, +you can't hold a pot to me. +Oh, now, darling, really? +Just because I'm not a good cook +and my husband happens to enjoy your cheese soufflés, +your baked Alaska and your wonderful gravies, +and what did happen in the backyard? +Let him tell you. +Dear, it's getting late. +Should we turn in? +Hey! +Are you crazy? +Here, have some juice, dear. +Thank you. +I can't understand why Velma hasn't been down to fix breakfast. +She must have overslept. +Her boyfriend probably kept her out late. +Oh, not again. +Mr. Post, I'm leaving. +But, Velma, you promised to stay. +Velma. +What happened? +Didn't Walter show up last night? +Yes, Mr. Addison did. +Addison? +You might as well know your neighbor is a chaser. +Oh, Velma, really? +Underneath that mustache, you'll find a blue beard. +Velma, I think you're imagining all this. +Why, Mr. Addison is very devoted to his wife. +Why, he wouldn't think of looking at another woman. +Mrs. Addison believed me last night. +Kay would never believe a story like that. +I wouldn't say that. +Velma? +Please, haven't you done enough? +Roger, what's going on here? +She told Kay the most fantastic story. +How, how, how, how I... +Why don't you take your crummy pizzas and go? +Oh, now, Roger, just a minute. +Her pizzas are not crummy. +I'm going home to mother. +Oh, now, Kay, dear. +I hope that you and Velma and her soufflés, the three of you, will be very happy. +Kay, please. +Now, just a minute, Kay. +I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for this. +Tell her, Roger. +Of course, I'm Walter. +I've been Walter for 20 years. +I am also Bluebeard. +I'm, I'm, I'm Jack the Ripper. +I'm, I'm... +Hello? +Yes, she's here. +Velma, it's for you. +A man. +Hello? +It's me, Walter. +Walter? +What happened last night? +See? +It couldn't have been Roger. +I never doubted you for a minute, doll. +I'm sorry. +You're sorry? +I don't know who she was talking to last night. +There was just me and the horse. +What did you say, Walter? +I'm sorry I had to leave so suddenly last night, Velma. +Yes, well, I'll try to understand. +I don't think I'm... +No, for you. +Oh, Walter. +Well, I'm kind of a drifter. +You need a man with a steady job. +A fine girl like you needs a real man. +Oh, Walter. +My trouble is, I'm not a real man. +I'm a real man. +I'm a real man. +I'm a real man. +I'm a real man. +I'm a real man. +I'm a real man. +My trouble is... +Yes? +Uh-oh. +Hello? +What? +Hello? +Oh, he hung up. +Oh, now I'm all mixed up. +Velma, now sit down. +Don't you worry. +Now just calm down. +Excuse me a minute, dear. +How do you do? +I'm Henry Gibson. +I work for the Johnsons. +Is Miss Velma in? +Yes. +Velma, come in, please. +Well, this is the worst trick you have ever pulled. +But Wilbur, I... +Do you know you broke that woman's heart? +But Wilbur... +And look what you did to the Addisons. +But Wilbur... +All because of your big appetite. +But Wilbur... +All right, go ahead. +It's your turn. +If only Perry Mason were here to defend me. +You ought to be ashamed of yourself. +Wilbur! +Wilbur! +Guess what? +Velma is engaged. +To Roger? +Stop. +Henry, the Johnsons butler that she was going with, +just showed up and proposed. +Well, that's wonderful. +Come on, she wants you to meet him. +Yeah, well, I'll be there in a minute, honey. +This is lucky for you. +But Wilbur... +I was going to send you to bed tonight without any supper. +But Wilbur, who do you think called the Johnsons +and got Henry Gibson over here to propose? +You. +How did you do it? +I told him somebody was running off with his girl +and if he liked her cooking, he'd better hurry right over. +But Ed, why didn't you tell me? +Because you bawled me out. +But Ed... +Besides, who can get a word in with you around? +But Ed... +You're always jumping to conclusions. +But Ed... +But Ed, but Ed, is that all you can say? +But Ed... +Ed... +May I propose a toast to Kay's first home-cooked meal? +Thank you very much. +Congratulations, Kay. +I hope it's all right. +Well, so much for experimentation. +Well, it's not really bad. +Once you get it down. +My dear, no offense, but would you mind if we celebrated +your first home-cooked dinner at Pierre's restaurant? +Why, doll, I've already made the reservations. +They're off to a fancy restaurant and I'm back to barn-cooked meals. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Ed. +He will yakety-yak the streak and waste your time a day. +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and this one will talk to his voice's horse. +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E18 Ed's New Shoes.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E18 Ed's New Shoes.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..32b99e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E18 Ed's New Shoes.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,523 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Honey, I got wonderful news! +Carol! +Honey! +Wilbur, I'm down here! +Honey, I got wonderful news for you, but you gotta promise me you won't get excited. +All right, what is it? +Yep, well first promise me. +All right, I promise. +What's the news? +Well, you better sit down so you don't get excited. +What is it? +Well, sit down. +I'm sitting down. +Yeah, I think you're getting excited. +Look, last month I was at the Architects' Convention and I met the editor of Home Beautiful +Magazine. +Yes? +And he's sending a photographer over here to take pictures of our house. +Oh, how nice. +And she'll be here tomorrow. +Oh, well, let's see. +Tomorrow? +I didn't even get excited. +Just look at the house, just look at it. +Oh, how could you do this to me? +Why didn't you tell me yesterday? +I just found out today. +Oh, I'm so sorry. +I'm so sorry. +I'm so sorry. +I'm so sorry. +I'm so sorry. +I'm so sorry. +I'm so sorry. +I'm so sorry. +I'm so sorry. +I just found out today. +That's a pretty poor excuse. +Oh, I'll never have the time. +Who you calling? +The cleaning girl. +You had the house cleaned yesterday. +Look at it. +It's all dusty. +Honey, she's coming over here with a camera and not a microscope. +Oh. +Look, I thought this would make you happy, but how many of us are going to upset you +like this while we can call the whole thing off? +Oh, but, honey, look at these drapes. +You were supposed to fix the rod last week. +You better get up there and fix it now. +Oh, when you were supposed to mend the fence +and fix the faucet and mow the lawn and... +Toad that barge and lift that bale. +Let's see now. +Oh, Wil... Wilbur! +Oh, you're standing on my best chair. +Well, I'm using my best feet. +Please, relax. Come on over here. +Sit down. +This woman is gonna come here +and take pictures of the house, not condemn it. +But we've got so much to do. +I'll do it this afternoon. +Why can't you do it now? +Well, I was planning on buying Ed some new shoes. +Well, if your horse is more important than me, +Wilbur Post... +Put down that hammer, woman. +He owes me money. +I hope you're not interrupting anything homicidal. +Hey, guess what? +Home Beautiful is taking pictures of our house tomorrow. +How marvelous. I'll buy a new dress. +New dress? What for? +Well, I'm sure our dear neighbors +will want us in the pictures, won't you, darlings? +Of course. We'll go shopping right after lunch, +and thanks for inviting us. +You're welcome. +Honey, why don't you go shopping with Kay, huh? +And don't worry, I'll get everything done. +Honey, maybe we should invite the photographer +to lunch tomorrow. +Well, I'll fix up a barbecue. +I better get started on the fence. +Why don't you buy yourself something real expensive, huh? +Okay, Mr. Kramer, +I'll have the horse over in half an hour. +Ed, I'm sorry. +I haven't got time to buy you those new shoes. +But I just made an appointment for a fitting. +Maybe next week. +Next week? +My shoes are worn down to the edge. +Look at them. +Oh, they're not too bad. +I'm practically walking on my toes. +Ed, I got things to do. +What am I, a horse or a ballet dancer? +Look, you've been bothering me all week. +What is all this fuss about getting a new pair of shoes? +Well, you know that little chestnut filly +that we meet every Sunday when we go riding in the park. +The one that wears her tail in the upsweep? +Yeah. +Well, I kind of go for her. +Yeah. +You're blushing. +Wilbur, it's spring. +So that's why you want new shoes. +Well, I'm afraid it's going to have to wait, Ed. +You see, I'm going to be very busy today. +There's a woman coming over from Home Beautiful Magazine +to take pictures of the house and all of us. +Uh, me too. +You too. +With holes in my shoes. +Now I know why they call horses names. +Now I know why they call horses nags. +Tempo, tempo, tempo. +What can be keeping the girls? +Oh, relax, Roger. +They've only been gone a half an hour. +How much money could Kay spend in that time? +How much is the national debt? +Don't blame her. +She's just wanting to look her best +for those magazine shots tomorrow. +All this fuss over a silly little magazine. +Little? +Do you know millions of people +will be seeing your picture? +Million? +The magazine has a national circulation. +Millions, huh? +Well, haven't you seen it down at the golf course? +Yeah, now that you mention it. +Wilbur, uh, not that I'm interested, of course, +but what suit do you plan to wear for the pictures tomorrow? +I wouldn't want us to clash. +Well, it's just an informal barbecue. +Why don't you wear something simple, like a tuxedo? +Oh, oh, oh. +Oh, but Wilbur, if millions of people are going to see us, +the least we can do is try to look our best. +Oh, I forgot. +You have an obligation to your public. +For your information, my wife has told me many times +that I bear a distinct resemblance to Cary Grant. +Did she say Cary or Ulysses? +Hardy, har, har. +Hardy, har, har, har, har. +Really? +Millions, huh? +Oh, my God. +Will you stop playing carpenter and think of me? +My feet are killing me. +Oh, these bunions. +Oh, what's the matter? Can't you hear me? +I must be imagining things. +Horses can't talk. +I'm not talking. I'm begging. +Please get me new shoes. +Funny. +I hear voices, but there's no one there. +Come on. +If you were in love with a little chestnut filly, +I'd buy you shoes. +Okay. +Oh, and you win. +I'll get him. +Look, I've got to get back before Carol. +So far, I haven't fixed the faucet, +mended the drapery rod, anything. +Oh, bless you, Wilbur. +And if it works out, we'll name our first colt after you. +Wilbur Colt. That's cute. +Yeah. +Tornado, how are you this morning? +You bad little boy. +You didn't finish your breakfast. +You need energy. +Now, if a big, fat gentleman rides you today, +you will fall down. +Excuse me. +Is Mr. Colt here? +Yes, he is. +He's a very good man. +He's a very good man. +Is Mr. Kramer around? +Yes, he was, but what's the matter with your horse? +He claims he needs new shoes. +What? +Oh, I mean, he's been limping. +Oh. +What's his name? +Ed. +Mr. Ed. +Mr. Ed. +Oh. +There's nothing wrong with this shoe. +What does he know? +What did you say? +Well, I didn't say anything. +And this one is all right. +These shoes are all fine. +They're good for another 500 miles. +You would just be wasting your money +if you buy new shoes for this horse. +Why don't you do what you're supposed to be doing? +I asked you to clean the windows. +Customer wants hot shoes, and you talk him out of it. +Excuse me, Mr. Kramer. +No, no, Mr. Kramer is right. +I am used to goof up. +You're a good man, Axel, but I'm going to have to let you go. +Yes, sir. +Thank you. +Gee, I feel responsible for... +No, no, please, mister. +Don't feel too bad. +Everybody fires me. +Mr. Kramer, if I were to buy new shoes for my horse, would... +No, no, he don't need them. +If Mr. Kramer sold you new shoes for this horse, +he would be stealing your money. +Excuse me, I pack my bag. +Well, I guess we don't need anything today. +Just barn shopping. +Goodbye, Brownie. +You be a good boy. +Yenir. +Goodbye, Yenir. +Goodbye, Lulubel. +Oh, Tornado. +Tornado, don't you skip breakfast. +You will get headaches. +Look, I'm sorry about what happened. +Everything is for the best. +Yeah, but what are you going to do now? +Oh, I'll find something. +I'm a yak of all trades. +A plumber, electrician, gardener, painter, carpenter. +I bet you couldn't name one job I ain't been fired from. +Say, my wife has been after me to do a lot of things around the house. +The job is yours if you want it. +Well, thank you, but you're making a mistake. +No, I'm not. I mean, I need a handyman, electrician and all that. +You can sleep in our office. +Thank you, but you have to promise me one thing. +What? +When you fire me, don't feel too bad about it. +A million things to do and Wilbur is out somewhere with that horse. +I knew it, I just knew it. I knew he'd never get to fix these drapes. +Well, how does it look? +It hangs like a potato sack. +Then why did you let me buy it? +Oh, I'm sorry, Kay. I was talking about the drapes. +That dress is beautiful. +Oh, I think it's a steal at $85. +It certainly is. +Hello, Carol. +Hi, Roger. +Another new dress? +How much did you pay for this one? +$22.50. +You got gypped again. +What? +It hangs like a potato sack. +I know, that's why I'm up here trying to fix it. +Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about? +The wet photographer is coming tomorrow and my husband is out buying his horse shoes. +Kay. +Hmm? +Do you think I should wear my red silk cummerbund tomorrow? +Good idea, but leave your sword at home. +So long, Carol. See you later. +Bye-bye. +I'm going home and sharpen my sword. +Wilbur! +Where have you been? I can't do everything around here. +Oh, honey, take it easy. +We can't discuss this over a hot hammer. +Wilbur. +Honey, your troubles are over. +I just hired a handyman to do all the work around the house. +Oh. +Axel! +Thank heavens. We can certainly use him. +Oh, he's terrific. He can do anything. +This is a beautiful house by Yimini. +Honey, this is Axel. +Axel, this is Mrs. Post. +It's a pleasure, Mrs. Post. +Oh, hello. +Oh, thank you. +Yeah, well, it's three o'clock and I'm ready to go to work. +Right on the nose. +But I'm not charging you for any work I do today. +What an interesting watch. +Well, thank you. It's 14 carats gold. +It belonged to my grandfather in Sweden. +Yes, it is a good watch. It never lies to me. +Well, sometimes. +Well, honey, what do you want Axel to do first? +Well, you can start by fixing that rod over there. It's loose. +I'll get the list of other things that have to be done. +I'll be very happy to do that. +Your wife is a beautiful woman, Mr. Post. +Oh, thank you, Axel. +You know, this rod is old. +You really need a new one. +Yeah, they make them now all the time. +Yeah, they make them now all in one piece. +They're even bigger than... +Expensive, too, aren't they? +Yeah, Axel, you're getting better. +You've got that nail halfway in without hitting your finger. +Mr. Post, I'm all thumbs from head to foot. +Oh, no, you're not. +Well, thank you. +I'm always having trouble with hammers. +Look, do you think you could start a fire in the barbecue? +That I can do. +I'll have a beautiful fire burning in the yiffy. +Axel, thank you. +Hey, Wilbur, with hands like that, he should have been a brain surgeon. +Axel, what happened? +Well, the bag of charcoal was on the ground the wrong way, +and I picked it up like this. +This is brutal. +Axel, you better get a broom. +Yes, sir. +It's in the kitchen. +Thank you. +Psst, psst. +I still say fire the bum. +That wouldn't be right. +Poor fella needs help. +He thinks he's a failure. +He's got my vote. +You are just prejudiced against Axel. +Naturally. +I've got a date with that beautiful chestnut filly, +and here I am with holes in my shoes. +Shine them up. They'll be as good as new. +Ah. +I'll clean it up, Mr. Post. +Ah, fine. +Hey, uh, what happened to the broom? +Well, I was taking it out of the broom closet, and the handle got yanked. +But you don't need to worry. I fixed the door later. +I wasn't worried. I just... +What door? +Well, the one that came off the hinges. +Oh, great. I better fix it before Carol finds out. +Are you sure you can start the fire yourself? +Yes, sir. Dad, I can do. +I hope we've got my barn insured. +I'm going to get the door. +Wilbur, the house looks beautiful. +Just beautiful. +Hi, Kay. +Hi, Wilbur. +Hello. +Don't I look gorgeous? +You certainly do, Loretta. +You're a beautiful tomorrow playboy. +Middle page, of course. +Of course. +And, uh, Kay, you will let the woman take some pictures of my furniture? +Of course, darling. But don't be surprised if I'm sitting on it. +Where's Roger? +Bo Brummel? +What? +He's waxed his mustache so many times, he looks like a candle with two wicks. +That woman will be here any moment now. +I think that chair would look better nearer the window. +Wilbur! +Coming. +Axel, maybe you better let me start the fire, huh? +Please, you know, you'll get that nice suit all dirty. +Well, don't be afraid to use lots of charcoal. +Yeah. +And, uh, you know how to start it with a lighter fluid, huh? +Yes, sir. +Wilbur! +Yes? +Yeah? +Don't you think this chair would look better nearer the window? +Honey, the house is lovely. It's perfect. +Oh, thank you, dear. +Good afternoon. +If you're looking for the U.N. ambassador, you got the wrong house. +Well, the thing, too. +I had to tie him down to get his spats off. +I thought one of us should be properly dressed for the occasion. +I hate to sound catty-doll, but didn't you go a bit heavy on the eye shadow? +If you don't think I'm properly dressed for the picture, just say the word and I'll leave. +Leave? +He wouldn't leave if the house was on fire. +Spaulder! Spaulder! +Spaulder! Spaulder! I'll give you pain! +Axel, what happened? +You know how, dear. +The hose, Wilbur. Get the hose. +Get the hose. You get the fire. +Axel, what happened? +A pain, a pain. I've had a pain. Can I use this for a pain relief? +Oh, my pain! Oh, my God! +Oh, was that a car outside? +I-I go see. +Oh, what'll we do? +It-it is a car. It stopped. +Oh, my beautiful house! +It must be. It's the photographer. +Oh, no! +Mr. Post, I help you. +Please, please, Mr. Post, let me do that. +You get your nice suit all dirty. +What happened? +Well, I put your hydrofluid on, like you say, and then I lit a match, and the whole thing went so hot. +Axel, Axel! +I had to put on a towel. +Hey, turn that thing off! +Oh, Roger, what can I say? I'm sorry. +I'm sorry. I... +Please. +She's not here. +I'll get it, dear. I'm sorry about this. +I'll get it, dear. I'll get it. +Hello, I'm Miss Brooks, from home... +Beautiful? +Oh, my God! +Well, goodbye, Mr. Ed. I made enough trouble. +You're a nice horse. +I hope my snoring didn't bother you last night. +It must be nice to be a horse. +Nobody expects too much from you. +Sometimes I wish I was a horse. +Well, I go over to the Tally Ho Stables now and say goodbye to my older friends, and then... +Well, who knows? +Goodbye. +Uh-oh. +I go out the back, Ray. +Honey, this is gonna be tough. +Wilbur, you just have to let him go. +He's not here. +Wilbur, look. +My, it's Axel's watch. +Let's see the note. +Please, I would like the missus to have this watch. +Maybe it makes her feel better after all the mistakes I've made. +Thank you for giving me a chance. I never deserve it. +You are a nice people, Axel. +Oh, Wilbur, I can't take his watch. +I know. +He was the only valuable thing he ever owned. +Well, look, why don't you go back to the house? I'll see if I can find him and give it back. +Oh, please do. Honey, try to find him. +And you wanted to fire that sweet old man. +Oh, now wait a minute. +An honest man who always tried his best. +Ed, do you know where he went? +Well, if you rush, you might catch him at the Tally Ho Stables. +Thanks, Ed. +Wilbur? +Yeah? +Axel was right. I never really needed new shoes. +Tornado, your feed box is full. +You are a bad boy. You're not eating. +Hi, Axel. +Oh, Mr. Post. How did you know I was here? +Here. We can't take your grandfather's watch. +I don't need a watch. What difference does it make what time I get fired? +Axel, that's your trouble. You're not a failure. You must believe in yourself. +I do. I believe I'm a failure. +Now, don't say that. Everybody's good at something. +Axel! +Oh, I refuse leaving, Mr. Kramer. I'm... +No, no, I don't want you to leave. I'm glad that you're back. +Since he left, the horses have been acting up and I can't handle them. +I'll pay you a dollar and a quarter an hour just to stay and take care of the horses. +No, no. This man has a way with animals. +I'm going to pay him a dollar and seventy-five just to take care of my horse. +But I'm only worth a dollar and a quarter. +A dollar and seventy-five. +Two dollars. +A dollar and a quarter. +You win, Mr. Kramer. You got him for two dollars. +Well, goodbye, Axel. You drop by and say hello, huh? +Thank you. I will. +Oh, and by the way, he was right about my horse. He didn't need new shoes. +How do you know? +My horse admitted it. +Ed, somebody sent you a present. +Oh? Who? +Axel. +That's sweet, by Yemeni. +Oh, look. Four new shoes for you. +Well, what do you know? My favorite kind. Open toe. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And no one can talk to a horse, of course. +That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A. +Go right to the source and ask the horse. He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse. +He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. A. +Heep, poor yakety yak, a streak and waste, too. +He's a horse, a horse, a horse, a horse. +He's a horse, a horse, a horse, a horse. +He's a horse, a horse, a horse, a horse. +Heep, poor yakety yak, a streak and waste your time a day. +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And this one will talk to his voice, his horse. +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed. +THE END +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E19 Little Boy.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E19 Little Boy.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4f12276 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E19 Little Boy.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,505 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Yeah! +Let's go! +Hey, come on, it ain't champions yet. +Yeah! +Come on! +Hi. +Do you want to play ball with me? +Oh, it's the new kid in the block. +You want to play ball? +No, we don't want to play ball. +It's a brand new one. +It is, huh? +Let me see. +Go chase it! +Yeah, hey, come on, Dave! +Yeah! +Stop here, Ed. +About time. +I thought we'd never get home. +We're only out here for a little exercise, Ed. +We? +I've been running, you've been sitting. +Good old Ed. +Huh. +Let me have it! +Hi, Mr. Post! +Hi, Andy! +Hi, Johnny! +Make your horse do some tricks again, Mr. Post. +Tricks? +All right. +You tell him to do something. +Shake your head. +Shake your head, Mr. Ed. +Swish your tail, Mr. Ed. +Swish your tail, Mr. Ed. +Let's go play. +Bye, Mr. Ed! +Bye, boys! +Bye-bye! +We're out here! +Come on, you're getting weak. +I better get you back to the barn. +Besides, I want to show Roger Anderson some new magic tricks I just got. +If you're a magician, lose some weight. +Hold it. +We both walk. +All right, you win. +How do you feel with that on, Ed? +Like Gypsy Rose Lee. +I got a kick out of those kids. +There is nothing like youth. +Yeah, sure wish I was a colt again. +Have a happy childhood, Ed? +Oh, I was a crazy mixed-up two-year-old. +My mom used to wait up all hours for me. +Yeah? +What did you do? +Hung around the stables, watching all the fillies go by. +You had a brawl, huh? +Yeah, I was a gay dog. +My diary would make a bestseller. +You made a hit for those kids today. +All but one. +Which one? +Some unhappy little guy standing behind a tree. +How'd you know he was unhappy? +That sad expression. +He looked like an owl in short pants. +How old did he look? +Oh, my age, about seven. +But a little different, of course. +Yeah, I figured. +I think you're imagining things, Ed. +I've got to get in the house and try out a few new magic tricks on my neighbors. +I wouldn't, Wilbur. +You're a terrible magician. +Oh, yeah? +Well, how would you like to see me saw a horse in half? +Huh? +Not this one. +Saw a horse in half. +Moving along to the more difficult of my illusions, +you will see, sir, that there is nothing in either hand. +Right? +Right. +And now pay close attention. +And with a few magic words, +told to me in secret by the thief of Baghdad, +I will produce a full bouquet of flowers from nowhere. +Aga... +Moony... +Mickey... +Rooney. +I'd say a phone call to Baghdad was in order. +I knew something wrong. +You forgot to blindfold me. +Wilbur. +Ha ha ha ha. +It's funny. +I planted geraniums. +For my next trick. +If I may have your attention, ladies and gentlemen. +Honey, I'm expecting Margaret Birch soon. +Can you children play outside? +Margaret Birch? +Yes, she just moved into the neighborhood, remember? +The one with the little boy. +Oh, yes. +Well, one more trick, honey. +Has Wilbur fooled you yet, though? +No one has ever fooled me. +No? +Then how did you get married, sweet? +Now, if I may have your attention, ladies and gentlemen. +I... +Always happens with new cards. +And new magicians. +Thanks, honey. +I don't want her to see the house like this. +Maestro, I have the feeling your show just closed. +Roger, grab it into this table. +I'll show you a few tricks outside. +Wilbur, let's face it. +As a magician, you're a great architect. +Any more words out of you, you'd be a rabbit in the morning. +Come on, sweetie. +Let's go. +Watch, don't look. +That's my best friend. +Excuse me, Kay. +Hi, Janet. +Hi. +Hello, Carol. +Come on in. +Am I early? +No, not at all. +Kay, I'd like you to meet our new neighbor, Margaret Birch. +This is my dear friend, Kay Addison. +Glad to meet you. +Glad to meet you. +Certainly was nice of you to ask me to join your club. +Not really, we need the do's. +Please sit down, Margaret. +Thank you. +You're going to like the girls. +We're really a very congenial group. +Right, Kay? +Well, it keeps us off the streets. +How do you like our neighborhood? +Oh, I love it, but... +But what? +Well, my son is having a little trouble making friends. +He's kind of shy. +Oh, how old is he? +Peter's eight and a half. +Oh, don't worry. +There are a lot of kids his age in the neighborhood. +Yes, I know, but they just don't seem to want to play with him. +Margaret, would it help if maybe you gave a party +and invited all the kids in the neighborhood? +That's a wonderful idea. +Yes, it is. +Do you think they'd come? +I know most of the mothers. +If you'd like, I'll help you round up the kids. +Oh, that's very sweet of you. +Maybe we could plan it for this Saturday. +Wonderful! +Maybe I can persuade Wilbert +to do some of his magic tricks for the kids. +Persuade? +He'll perform for anything that walks, talks, +or sits up and begs. +You shouldn't be touching that. +Oh, sorry, old man. +Well, I'm ready for your performance. +Well, I have a trick here that is bound to amaze you. +This is called the disappearing water trick. +See, I fill this cup with water from this pitcher. +Yeah, you'll notice that I'm filling it up. +There we are. +Now, I have here, as you can see, +an ordinary cup and an ordinary pitcher. +And now, presto! +That's the greatest trick I ever saw, +and I'm suing you for a new suit. +Hey, you! What's the big idea? +What's the big idea? +If I ever get... +If I ever get my hands on that kid, +he won't be able to sit down for a week. +Thank you for a delightful performance. +No, really, really, thank you very much, +but I couldn't impose. +Oh, you won't be imposing? +Why, we'd just love to have him stay here, +wouldn't we, Wilbert? +Of course we would. Have who where? +How do you remember, Margaret Birch? +Yeah. +Yes, of course. +I'm doing magic for your little boy's party. +We're going to have the party here. +Margaret has to go out of town for the weekend. +Her sister just had a baby, +and we're going to have little Peter stay here with us. +You don't mind, do you? +Oh, not at all. +I'll be able to try out some of my new tricks on him. +Just don't do your sprinkler trick, sweetie. +Addison isn't dry yet. +Look, that wasn't my fault, Kay. +Some fresh kid turned on the water. +Then it's all settled, huh, Margaret? +Well, what can I say? +You're all so wonderful. +I'll have Peter over here Friday morning. +Will that be all right? +Any time at all. +Well, I've heard so much about this young boy of yours. +I'm looking forward to meeting him. +Well, you don't have far to look, darling. +He's in the barn. +Oh, I'll go out and say hello. +Excuse me. +Sure. +Sorry to bother you, Mr. Henn. +But you didn't see me. +You're a nice horse. +At least you listen when I talk. +I don't care about that old party. +Those kids don't like me anyway. +And Mr. Post, when he finds out I turned on that old sprinkler, +he wouldn't do his own magic anyway. +But it was an accident. +I was looking for my baseball. +You believe me, don't you, Mr. Ed? +Peter, are you in there? +Peter, I see you hiding behind Ed. +Guess what, Peter. +You're going to have your party after all. +Right in our backyard. +You know something else? +While your mother's away, you're going to stay with us. +Oh, come here. +Let me go. +Oh, look, Pete, I'm your friend. +There's nothing to be frightened about. +Now, come on, son. +Let me... +The sprinkler kid. +Pete, you come back here. +Peter. +Wilbur. +I'll have lunch ready in a few minutes, dear. +He sure loves Ed. +You know, since his mother brought him here, +that kid hasn't said a word to me. +Every time I go near him, he looks at me like I was a truant officer. +I hope you two become friends before tomorrow. +We will. +Of course, I may have to grow two more legs and a tail. +He's just still upset about that sprinkler incident. +He's upset. +My suit is dragging, too, you know. +Honey, please try to talk to him. +Well, okay. +Of course, I may need to wear a raincoat. +Just call him in. +You call him. +If he hears my voice, he may go into orbit. +Peter. +Peter. +Lunch. +Now, try to gain his confidence. +And don't look so solemn. +You really scare him. +Smile. +Hello, Peter, how's it going, boy? +Lunch will be ready in a few minutes, honey. +Meanwhile, you two men get acquainted, huh? +Peter. +Pete. +Peter. +About this sprinkler business, I've forgotten all about it. +Believe me. +You know, I used to do foolish things like that when I was a little boy, too. +It was an accident. +Sure, sure, it was an accident. +It was. +I hit my baseball in your yard. +Then I went to look for it, and my foot turned on your sprinkler. +Sure, sure. +Now, can we be friends? +You don't believe me. +Look, Peter. +I can prove it. +I left my baseball in the bushes so you can see it. +Oh? +Well, let's go take a look, huh? +It's not there. +Peter, believe me. +I'm willing to forget the whole thing. +I said it there before. +I did. +Peter, I believe you. +No, you don't. +The kid told the truth. +Now, Ed, you're wrong. +You see, you don't understand child psychology. +See, kids sometimes lie without meaning it. +They do something, and then they get scared. +And then they exaggerate the facts a little. +Where did you get that baseball? +I signed up with the Dodgers. +Ed, did you find this under those bushes? +That's right. +I was afraid a dog might run off with it, and you never believe the kid. +Hello, Houdini. +No. +What are you going to do with that? +Turn it into a ping pong ball? +Roger, you know we're throwing a party for a little boy tomorrow. +Yeah, Kay told me the bad news. +Roger, I want this party to be a very big success. +Is there anything you can do to entertain kids? +I might wiggle my mustache. +No, I'm serious. +Don't knock it. +That's how I won my wife. +I know. +You can be my assistant during my magic act. +No, no. +Although I will grant you that I look rather fetching in my black mesh stockings and high heels. +No, you better get somebody else. +Wilbur, can you come in, please? +Peter. +Peter? +Look, I found your baseball. +Peter, I'm sorry. +This whole thing is a mistake. +You didn't believe me when I told you. +I'm sorry, Peter. +But you know, sometimes big people make mistakes, and, well, you've just got to forgive them. +Now, can we be friends? +Did you know I'm going to help Mr. Post with his magic act tomorrow? +That's right. +He insisted. +You are going to have the most wonderful party tomorrow. +But those kids don't like me. +Oh, yes, they do. +Now, are we friends? +Here, let me take your things. +And we'll go out and play catch, huh? +Great. +That's a boy. +I've got some hits upstairs. +You're going to show me the finer points of the game. +You wouldn't go out there and play... +Well, what do you think of your party, sweetie? +It's okay. +Peter, here are some more of your friends. +Hi, Andy. +Hi. +Hello, sissy. +Come on, Mike. +Peter, let's join the group, huh? +Come on, fellas, let's get the entertainment underway. +Here we are. +Hey, Dad, you're it. +Come on. +Now, if you'll just keep your little... +If you'll just keep quiet, I will introduce... +That world-famous magician and prestidigitator... +Who has just returned from a triumphal tour of the provinces... +The one, the only, Will Barini. +Thank you. +Thank you. +I thank you. +Isn't he funny? +Go ask your mother. +Now, if my assistant will please give me a piece of rope, +any piece of rope, I shall perform my next trick. +Why, of course, a piece of rope. +An ordinary piece of rope. +Here you are. +I thank you. +As you can all see, this is just a plain, ordinary piece of rope. +It is not. +It's a trick rope. +I saw it on television. +Yeah, he makes believe he cuts it, but he really doesn't. +It's got a magnet in the middle of it that holds it together. +For my next trick, I should like to perform one never before seen anywhere, +not even on television. +I bet. +This is called my disappearing trick. +For this trick, I shall need two volunteers from the audience. +They're not volunteers. +They're vigilantes. +I'll never get this one. +If my assistant will give each of these boys one of these rubber balls. +Yes, master. +Young man, there you are. +If you will please place one ball in each of my pockets. +That's it. +May I have... +Thank you very much. +I have here a box, just an empty box. +Is that empty? +Are you quite sure? +Stop that. +Here. +This might be a good place to ring down the curtain. +Come on, boys, refreshments. +Here we go. +Come on. +Lunch, refreshments. +Wilbur, where's Peter? +Peter? +I think I know where he's gone. +Would you mind holding these, dear? +Come on, Pete. +It's your party. +All the kids are waiting for you. +You know they're not. +You don't want to miss all that ice cream, do you? +Hey, Wilbur. +Yes? +I've got an idea that'll help Peter. +Yes? +Now, listen. +None of these boys seem to like this part of the interview. +Peter, there you are. +Here, I fixed a plate for you. +Come on, sit down. +The magician has made a horse appear. +Who wants a ride on Mr. Ed? +Johnny, you're the oldest. +You go first. +Gee. +Hey, what's the matter with him? +Nothing. +He always acts like that with a new rider. +Don't be afraid, Johnny. +Come on. +Nothing. +Andy, you go first. +No, thanks. +Frank, you go first. +What, you're all done crazy? +Isn't there anybody here brave enough to ride on Mr. Ed? +No, not me. +No, thanks. +Surely there's someone here who's willing to take a chance. +How about you, Pete? +Him? +He's a sissy. +I'll ride, Mr. Ed. +Atta boy. +Come on, Pete. +Gangway, boys. +Here we are. +Up you go. +Here. +Now, look, if he tries to roll over on you, you jump off fast and get right back on. +Got it? +Okay. +Let's go. +Stand back. +He ain't scared. +Boy, he's brave. +Don't call him a sissy. +Boy, oh boy, let's go. +This is a lot of fun. +It really is. +Come on. +Here, Pete. +Well, what do you know? +You made a little boy very happy, Ed. +Want to make me happy, Wilbur? +Yeah. +Lose a little weight. +I'll think about it. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. +And no one can talk to a horse, of course. +That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed. +Go right to the source and ask the horse. +He'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. +Talk to Mr. Ed. +People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day. +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. +And this one will talk to his voice, his horse. +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E20 Ed Agrees to Talk.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E20 Ed Agrees to Talk.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e3f6bb1 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E20 Ed Agrees to Talk.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,473 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Hello. +Oh, hi, Carol, this is Kay. +Did you get up enough nerve to ask Wilbur to buy you your own car yet? +No, I haven't. +Well, sweetie, if I were you, why are you breathing so heavily? +Me? I thought it was you. +Sweetie, ask Wilbur for the car. +If I were that afraid of my husband, my mink would still be running around in the forest. +Maybe you're right. +I'll ask him this morning. See you later. +Ed, have you been eavesdropping again? +Yes and no. +What do you mean, yes and no? +Yes if you saw me and no if you didn't. +Well, I saw you and you should be ashamed of yourself. +All right, then I won't tell you what I just heard on the phone. +Good. I don't want to hear it. +Okay, but when you're married, you need all the help you can get. +Ed, I told you, I do not want to hear it. +But Carol was talking to Kay and it's going to cost you a fortune. +But if you don't want to hear it, let's skip it. +Huh? Who? +Ed, what is going to cost me a fortune? +You said you didn't want to hear it, so my lips are sealed. +Ed, you talk or there won't be any television for you tonight. +The next voice you hear will be Ed the Blabbermouth. +All right, let's hear it. +Your wife wants her own car. +She does. She does. She does. +She does what? +Wants her own car. +Who does? +My wife. +She does? +Well, I hope you're getting ready to turn her down. +Well, first, I mean, I'll try to be fair. +I'll listen to what she has to say and then I'll turn her down. +Good boy. And hold fast. +Because if you get Carol that car, if I know Kay, she'll want something too. +Boy, will I turn her down. +Good. Now remember, you've got to promise me... +Wilbur, I'm sorry to hear about your losses. +If things don't get better and you feel that you have to borrow money from me, don't hesitate to ask. +Money? But I don't need... +Thank you, Roger. +I'll let you know. +I'm sorry, Carol. +Wilbur, why are you borrowing money? +Borrowing money? +Now, don't you try to hide any bad news from me. +I'm not. +It's nothing that I can't take care of myself. +Well, what can I do for you? +Well, I was thinking that... +Are you sure everything's all right? +Look, darling, no matter what happens, we... +We still have each other. +Of course, that's... that's all we may have. +Wilb... what can I do for you? +Well, I've given this a great deal of thought and I... +Nothing. +I... I was just wondering if you could spare the car. I have some shopping I have to do. +Oh, sure. You know, honey, if I'm not using the car, it's yours. +Oh, thank you, dear. +Of course, if you could find a street without any parking meters, I'd appreciate it. +Wilbur, if you think we should be cutting down on expenses... +Now, now, now. Things aren't that bad... yet. +What are we having for dinner tonight, dear? +Well, I... I was planning on prime rib, but I'm making hot dogs now. +Better make it one each. +All right, dear. +Wilbur, I think it worked. +Oh, I feel like a heel. I mean, I feel awful. +Did you see how sad she looked? +Let's face it, buddy boy, a woman is a sometime thing. +Yeah, sometimes they drive you nuts. +Hello. Oh, hello, Wilbur. +It worked, huh? Oh, great. Fooled Carol completely, huh? +Oh, I knew you could talk her out of that car. +There's nothing easier than pulling the wool over your wife's eyes. +And was I convincing. Carol's liable to go out now and look for a job. +How wonderful. Hey, Wilbur. +Wilbur, why are you breathing so heavily? +Have we been cut off? +Well, no, it's probably a loose connection. +You know, you can always count on that poverty routine. It always works. +I've been pulling it for years on Kay. +For a couple of months now, she's been trying to get me to buy her an expensive strand of pearls. +I keep getting her off the track by... +Bye-bye, Wilbur. +I'll bet you think I didn't know you were there all the time. +That's why I made up that ridiculous... +How dare you spy on me? +That was very sneaky, telling Wilbur not to buy Carol a car. +You advise her, why can't I advise him? +Two wrongs don't make a right. Carol needs a car of her own. +Like you need that string of pearls. +I'll have those pearls in the morning. +Only if you dive for them tonight. +With me advising Carol, they better get a two-car garage. +I wouldn't bet on that, my dear. +I'd bet my new string of pearls on it. +It's a deal. If Carol gets the car, you get the pearls. +Fine. +But if she doesn't get the car, then you hand over your charger plate to me for two months. +Two whole months? +How could I have been such a fool? +Wilbur acted as though we were going bankrupt. +He looked so sad, I could have cried. +Oh boy, oh boy, what a prized simpleton I am. +And I never even got to ask for the car. +Sweetie, take it easy, or you'll have a wall-to-wall omelet. +Oh, that Wilbur. +I didn't even know I was going to ask for the car. +I think Addison has our house bugged. +I'm not going to give up. +Add a girl. +Remember, you're fighting for two of us. +Your car and my pearls. +Oh, who does he think he is? +Why, I'm going to go right out there and tell him a thing or two. +Oh, he probably thinks I'm the stupidest thing that ever lived in this... +No, no, no, no, no. +That's no way. +Tell him nothing. +You've got to hit him in his weak spot. +Weak spot? +Oh yes, you know who your husband loves the most. +What a silly thing to say. +Of course I do. +Good, we agree. +It's the horse. +The horse? +Why, yes. +Now listen, I've been in the marital ring for a heck of a long time, +and I'll tell you, you've got to keep punching all the time. +Ed, what's the matter? +My ears are burning. +Someone's talking about me. +Maybe they're saying nice things for a change. +According to my horoscope, I shouldn't leave the barn today. +I'm surprised at you. +I didn't think you believed in that stuff. +Well, they warned Julius Caesar, and you know where he got it. +Ed. +Right in the lobanza. +I think I've nothing to worry about. +Oh, no. +If I were a cat, I'd be up a tree now. +Take it easy, Ed. +Wilbur, don't leave me today. +You're acting like a baby. +Well, I'm only seven and a half years old. +You've got nothing to worry about. +I'll save your place in the world than a barn. +Wilbur, come on. +We're late. +♪ +Wilbur. +I'm worried. +Now, Kay overheard our telephone conversation, +and still Carol hasn't asked you to buy her that car. +Well, what are you worried about? +She knows what my answer will be. +Good boy. Stick with it. +I've got a string of pearls riding on you. +Those pearls will never leave the oyster. +But Carol must know by now that you tricked her. +It's just not natural for a wife not to fight back. +I'm not worried. +Carol isn't the sneaky type. +That's what Samson said just before Delilah reached for the scissors. +You're selling yourself over nothing. +Believe me, we can outwit our wives. +No, we can't. +♪ +Say, but your horse hitched to a carriage. +♪ +Whoa, Mr. Ed! +♪ +What is all this, honey? +Isn't it a great idea? +I thought we'd use Mr. Ed for transportation. +♪ +Look, I've been pulling this for two days. +Put a stop to it. +Well, it's not so bad. +The only thing I want behind me is my tail. +Try to hold out a little bit longer. +I think Carol's starting to weaken. +Well, now, that's just fine. +I'm pulling a wagon and she's weakening. +Oh. +Huh? +Oh. +Oh. +Oh. +Oh. +Wilbur, I'm proud of you. +Kay hasn't even mentioned those pearls in a couple of days. +That's great, but you know, +pulling this heavy wagon is kind of hard on my horse. +Well, that's what he's for. +He's only a dumb animal. +Oh, he nearly stepped on me. +Come on, girls. +It's a lovely day for a ride. +Oh, I hate to go into the side room. +Huh? +Well, have you ever done that before? +No, I haven't. +Oh, my, I just can't wait to go riding in that surrey. +I'm a weirdo. +Well, off you go, Globel. +All right, here we go. +Oh, oh, oh. +Oh, oh. +Uh-oh. +Here we go. +Here we go. +Oh, oh. +Here we go. +Oh, oh. +Oh. +Oh, oh. +Oh, hello, Owens, +front yard of the next town just for us is my patron saint. +Well, I'm +The innocent always suffer. +Give her the car. +It'll only last for a few days. +You see, she'll give in. +I wasn't cut out for work. +I'm a playboy. +♪ +S-P-C-A. +May I speak to the Cruelty to Horses Division? +♪ +Hello, Mrs. Adams speaking. +Do you protect poor dumb horses? +We certainly do. +Do you know of one that's being mistreated? +They're making him pull an overloaded carriage +that the 20 mule team couldn't pull. +That is awful. +May I please have your name? +Oh, uh, just call me an animal lover. +Well, would you give me the name of the guilty party? +Well, I'm not a squealer. +But her name is Mrs. Post, 17230 Valley Road. +And please hurry. +This poor horse can't talk like you and me. +Don't you worry. +I'll attend to this personally this afternoon. +Thank you. +♪ +Honey? +Yeah? +Honey, would you please hitch up Mr. Ed? +I'm expecting the girls any minute now. +Where are you taking him today? +Oh, we haven't decided yet. +It's so much fun just driving him around town. +Will that Flo-Bell McGuire be going? +Of course. +Honey, she must weigh at least 200 pounds. +220. +Oh, and Flo-Bell has a twin sister +who's going to join us today. +A twin? Is she... +230. +Flo-Bell, we're all ready. +We'll be there in a few minutes. +Carol, listen to me. +Oh, excuse me, dear. +Carol, listen to me. +You are not going to take Ed out of the barn today. +He's been sneezing, and he looks tired. +But dear, I'm only doing it for you. +I'm Mrs. Adams of the SPCA. +Are you Mrs. Post? +Yes. +Vent, please. +Thank you. +We have a complaint +that you've been abusing your horse. +Complaint? +Oh, but that's ridiculous. +My wife adores our horse, don't you, dear? +Oh, yes, I adore him. +Yeah. +May I see the horse, please? +Now? +Yeah, well, he's now having his regular three-hour nap. +But we have some lovely photographs of him in our album. +They're in color. +It shows his nice, healthy cheeks, rosy and all. +I'll get him for you. +Why, there he is, +with his head sticking out of the barn door. +Believe me, Mrs. Adams, +my wife loves animals. +I know. +She's been married to me for three years. +May I please see the poor animal? +Oh, Wilbur. +Now, look what you got us into, huh? +Mrs. Adams, we would never mistreat our horse. +What's wrong with him? +Well, I told you he was taking his nap. +Let's tiptoe out of here. +Just a minute, please. +My wife just fed him a big lunch. +He never nibbles between meals. +And no horse ever refuses sugar cubes. +He, uh, he never eats sugar. +Uh, I mean, he likes apples. +Just Washington apples. +Well, he just won't eat a thing. +This horse is not well. +I don't understand it. +Honestly, Wilbur, we girls never took him to the park. +We only took him a few blocks from the house, +just to fool you. +Achoo! +Gesundheit. +I just don't understand what's wrong with him. +I'll be back with a warrant to take him away. +Mrs. Adams, I can explain everything. +Mr. Adams never works a day in his life. +The reason my wife had him pull a carriage... +What's going on here? +Oh, Wilbur, I'm sorry I started the whole thing. +You don't have to buy me a new car. +Oh. +Your charger plate, my dear. +You, you're on your feet. +Well, she said she was getting a warrant to take me away. +So you were faking. +Yeah, everything except there's cold. +Achoo! +I wet my feet down myself the other day to get it. +You mean you deliberately caught cold +so you could get Carol into trouble? +Well, when that woman comes back, +you better tell her the truth yourself. +I talk only to you. +Oh, no, you've outsmarted yourself this time, Ed. +You'd better tell the truth tomorrow to that woman +or tomorrow you're gonna be pulling a milk wagon. +And I thought I had set up a perfect crime. +Well, okay. +I'll talk. +You'd better. +I'm a pretty sick horse, and you're awfully mean to me. +Oh, my aching back. +Now, now, everything's gonna be all right, honey. +But you still haven't told me. +How are you going to convince Mrs. Adams +that I never mistreated Mr. Ed? +Uh, well, look, I was gonna keep it a secret, +but Ed's gonna clear you. +Oh, how? +Well, I can't tell you now because you won't believe me, +but he'll do it because you wouldn't want +to pull a milk wagon either. +I'm in trouble, and you're making up riddles. +Oh! +Oh, Ed, this is gonna be a great day for me. +Not only are you gonna clear Carol, +but people are gonna find out that I am not out of my mind +because you can really talk. +Ed, you're not angry with me, are you? +Well, why don't you say something? +Ed, you haven't changed your mind. +Well, why aren't you talking to me? +Laryngitis? +But that means... +Ed, you've got to talk. +Oh! +How? +Oh, but, Ed, now that lady will be here soon, and... +We've got to make you talk or Carol will be in trouble. +Real trouble. +Oh! +Don't be mad, Ed. +Okay? +Try it again. Say, ah. +Oh! +Open. +Now, again, ah. +Oh! +Now, let's get the tube, +and we'll try this horse-ass thing. +I'm just gonna put it in the tube, see? +Into the mouth, and I'm gonna blow on three. +Okay, ready? Open wide. That's it. Open up. +Ready? Now, one, two... +Oh! +Very funny. +Now, we'll just add a little epsom salt. +Oh! +Oh, now, it'll be all right. +Stand still. There. There we go. +All right, now. +Here, you'll feel fine. +That a boy. Good boy. +Just stand still. +Up, up, up. +There we go. One more, and there we are. +Ah. +How's that, Ed? You feel better? +Oh! +Let's just take your temperature again. +Oh! +Open up. Open up. Open wide. +Come on. Open up. +Hold it. +Hold it, Ed, now. +Just a few more seconds. +Temperature can't be that bad. +That's it. +Aren't you a little old to be playing doctor? +Ed has laryngitis. +Oh? I suppose he told you that. +No, he wrote a note. +Goodbye, Wilbur. +You helped me win a bet, but I think you suffered a nervous breakdown in doing it. +Ah, you're coming back to normal. +Aren't you glad I sprayed your throat? +Oh, my pill. +I don't understand it, Mrs. Post. +I've checked on you in the neighborhood, and you seem to enjoy a fine reputation. +Believe me, Mrs. Adams, I would never harm our horse. +But he looked so ill when I saw him yesterday. +Mrs. Adams, before you do a thing, we've got to have a little talk. +It's too late for that, Mr. Post. +It's very obvious the animal is unhappy here. +He seems like a different animal. +Believe me, he loves my wife. +He loves her more than I do. +I promise you, Mrs. Adams, I'll never hitch Mr. Ed to a wagon again. +She won't have to. +With her own new car. +Wilbur! +Well, I guess you are happy here. +It's a Washington apple. +Oh, it's beautiful. Just beautiful. +Oh, thanks again, honey. +Me, all you have to do is ask. +What a nice husband. +Walkin's for the birds. +I gotta buy myself a car someday. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, of course, +and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course, +unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, +he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. +Talk to Mr. Ed. +He'll booyakety yak a streak and waste your time a day, +but Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, +and this one will talk to his voice, his horse. +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E21 The Mustache.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E21 The Mustache.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a36d8f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E21 The Mustache.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,430 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Gee, it's hot in here. +I'm comfortable. +Not me. +Boy, it's hot. +Why don't you open a window? +Okay, but it's not gonna help. +It's just as hot outside as it is inside. +Now it's even hotter. +Ed, you are leading up to something. +Whatever it is, you're not getting it. +Hello? +Yes, this is Mr. Post. +Who? +Acme Plumbing. +Uh-oh. +I didn't order any shower for my barn. +Uh, no, thank you. +Goodbye. +Think the Dodgers have got a chance this year? +Ed, who gave you permission to order a shower for the barn? +I think the Dodgers have got a chance this year. +Ed? +The Dodgers think they got a chance. +Ed, do you know how much a shower costs? +Take it out of my hay. +I've never heard of a shower in a barn. +Why, a horse invented the idea. +It's called a stall shower. +Now, if it gets hot, I'll hose you down. +You never hose your wife down. +Even if I were silly enough to put a shower in here, +we couldn't afford it right now. +Leave that phone alone, Ed. +We don't need a shower. +Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Reynolds. +I thought you were somebody else. +What do you think about my plans for your apartment building? +Well, I did a pretty good job, I think, +and it'll save you a lot of money. +You'll let me know. +Thank you, Mr. Reynolds. +Bye. +Bad news? +I'm trying to get Reynolds to let me build his apartment building for a month now. +I know he likes my plans, but I just can't persuade him to get started. +Know what your trouble is, my boy? +Your face. +Well, I can't go anywhere without it. +No, I mean, you've got a baby face, +and when people are investing a lot of money, +they feel safer with a man who is more mature. +Do you think a little mustache like yours might help me? +It wouldn't hurt, my boy. +Well, I'm in one of those meetings, and stroke my mustache thoughtfully. +Everybody stops and waits for me to say something profound. +Dignity, maturity. +Can I try on your jacket, Rog? +Sure. +With a mustache and my tailor, people will stand up when you come into a room. +Oh, I begin to feel more successful already. +My dignity's a little full in the back, but... +How do I look? +Splendid. +Great. +You must have spoken to the wrong party. +This is Mr. Post, and I did not cancel the order for the barn shower. +Sorry, wrong number. +Edward, I told you, you are not getting that shower. +Oh, my aching back. +You look like Addison, and you're twice as grouchy. +You know why I'm doing this. +I've got to look older. +Gee. +Look, if I make enough money, maybe I will get you that shower. +I don't think that silly mustache will do it. +Why are you complaining about a few extra hairs? +You've got a tail. +But I can use mine to swish flies off my back. +That's enough. +Trigger not only has a shower, he has a sunken bathtub. +You earn as much money as Trigger, and I'll buy you a swimming pool. +Hi, Kay, come on in. +Hi, sweetie. +Oh, you missed a big sale at Mayfair's. +What did you buy? +Who cares? They were bargains. +Kay, do you always buy things you don't need? +Sure, if I ever happen to need them, they may not be on sale. +If I weren't having so much trouble with Wilbur, I'd laugh. +Oh, how is Wilbur? +Just impossible. +Since he grew that mustache, he's been trying to be another Roger. +Well, sweetie, the world isn't ready for two. +I feel like I'm married to a stranger. +I've had that feeling for years. +You know something? +It's that mustache that's changed his whole personality. +Shh, hold it down. +He's fuzzy wuzzy. +Good morning, ladies. +Good morning. +Good morning. +I'm sorry I missed you at breakfast, my dear. +You just missed me again. +I failed to see the humor of that remark. +Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I have work to attend to in my office. +I feel very... profound today. +Wilbur Post, this is ridiculous. +Stop trying to act like Roger and shave off that silly cookie duster. +My dear. +You look like you're peeking at me over a hedge. +My dear, I'm not imitating anybody. +Excuse me, ladies. +It's frightening. He even walks like Addison. +Is he getting cheaper, too? +No, his mustache hasn't gone to his wallet yet. +Well, honey, maybe it will help him get more jobs as an architect. +I don't care about the money. +I married Wilbur, and I don't like that stranger who just walked out. +Look, honey, I've got an idea. +I think I know how to snap him out of this. +Fight fire with fire. +You mean I should burn it off him? +You changed his personality. Why don't you change yours? +I don't understand. +Well, if he can be Addison, then you can be me. +And I can be pretty awful. Huh? Huh? +Huh? +Kay, do you think I look all right? +Oh, you look perfect, just like a fashion ad. +Now, here, hold these boxes if you own all the contents. +Here they are. Now, be po... Don't bounce your head, Carol. +You look so much better when you're poised. +Show dignity. Dignity when you walk. +Quiet. That's the whole thing. Quiet. Now go. +Kay, I don't think I can go through with this. +Oh, sure you can. +Now, don't forget you're me. +Now, go back to the barn and be as miserable as I know how. +Hello, Post Doll. +Well, what are those packages? +Oh, there was a sale at the Mayfair, and I just bought, bought, bought. +Who cares, Angel? It was a bargain, and Kay always... +I mean, I always bought. I mean, she always... +My dear, don't you think you're being just a little obvious? +Wilbur, please shave that thing off and be yourself again. +My dear, I explained to you. +This will help me, business-wise. +Well, it's not helping kissing-wise. +Well, sweetie, how did you do? +I tried to be you, but I wasn't even a good me. +It's Addison's fault. He never should have encouraged Wilbur. +I bet if Roger shaved off his mustache, Wilbur would, too. +Excuse me, dear. Where are you going? +To sharpen a razor. +Shave off my what? +That furry little troublemaker under your nose. +No. I'd be positively naked without it. +Wear a fig leaf. +Addison, if you'll shave yours off, Wilbur will shave his off. +Nonsense. Just because Wilbur and Carol are having a little spat. +A little spat? She's almost ready to leave him. +Think about it. +She's almost ready to leave him. +Think of it this way, doll. +You won't be losing a mustache. You'll be saving a marriage. +But, my dear, be reasonable. I've had this for over 20 years. +We even went through college together. +But Wilbur's been imitating you in every way. +He's been talking like you, walking like you, dressing like you. +Personally, I think it's an improvement. +Sweetheart, they're a young married couple. +And now they've stopped kissing. +They don't shake hands. +Please take it off for your little baby doll. +Baby doll? +Yes. +It stays. +Marriage destroyer, you! +All right, hot lips. +If it means that much to Carol, I'll go and have a talk with Wilbur +and get him to shave his mustache off. +Boy, it's hot. +Boy, it's really hot. +I'll bet if you owed somebody a hot day, +you could pay him back with this one. +No shower. +No shower. +You know, I'm glad I took Roger's advice. +Somehow I feel more mature. +More confident. +More... +This is how you look to me. +How's this for dignity and maturity? +Mr. Post, any time you're ready for lunch, just let me know. +You're acting like a child. +What are we having? +Canned soup, canned stew, and canned fruit. +As long as you want to be Edison, eat like him. +It's going to be a long, cold winter. +Don't worry. She'll get used to it. +Sure, buddy boy. +Start lathering up. +When I make up my mind... +Nobody changes it. +Look, Edward. +Stop calling me Edward. +I feel like I'm wearing short pants. +Nobody changes Wilbur Post's mind. +I am master of my own home. +This mustache stays where it is. +The day anybody gets me to shave this mustache off, +that is the day you will get your stall shower. +Wilbur? +Buddy boy. +I take a size 38 shower cap. +Well, Wilbur, my boy. +How do I look? +We look like our wives got us at a one-cent sale. +Wilbur, I'm afraid we made a mistake. +Mistake? +We're living in a fast-changing world. +To be successful, you've got to be youthful. +You've got to act young, feel young, look young. +But just last week you told me I should look older. +Roger. +Wilbur, get rid of it. +Did Carol put you up to this? +Did she send you out here? +No, Kay sent me out here. +She told me Carol is very unhappy. +Oh. +So you want me to shave her mustache off and make Carol happy? +Right. +All right. +If you shave yours off and make Kay happy. +Now, let me understand this. +You mean you won't shave yours off unless I... +Right. We go together. It's a set. +Very well. +I never thought the day would come when I'd sign a mustache suicide pact. +Oh, uh... +Shh. +With my shower cap, I want a half dozen large-size Turkish towels. +I think the Dodgers have a chance this year, Edward. +I think the Dodgers have a chance this year, Edward. +My dear, how do you think I'd look with long sideburns setting off my mustache? +Like a Saint Bernard. +For all I care, you... +Wilbur, you've come home. +Ha, ha, ha, ha. +Mmm. +Aww. +Mmm. +I've been away a lot longer than I thought. +How did you change your mind? +Well, I paid $2 for our marriage license and it was going to waste. +Oh, I've got to call Kay. +Honey, Roger just told Kay. +He's shaving his off, too. +He is? I wonder what he'll look like. +Like an open-faced sandwich. +Addison. +Addison, will you quit stalling? +Remember your promise. +I've got to get this leather the right thickness. +You've been mixing that for 40 minutes. +I'm not mixing or baking a cake. +Now what? +It's the light. I need a stronger bulb. +We've already changed it twice. Now come on, shave it off. +I'd better use an electric razor. +Oh, let me do it. +No, no, please. +Kay, will you do me one last favor? +What do you want now, an anesthetic? +Would you leave me alone with my mustache for just a few minutes? +Do you want to say goodbye? +I feel like I'm losing an old buddy. +Oh, so is Wilbur. Now come on. +Hey, how do I know? He hasn't changed his mind. +Well, you told me he was shaving his off. +Yeah, but he could have changed his mind. I'd better go and see. +Oh, I'll go and see. +You have a reprieve for five minutes, but don't expect a phone call from the governor. +Your steak will be ready in a minute, darling. +Thank you, hon. +I'll get it. +Don't you burn that steak. +Hello? +Just a minute. +What do you want? +Now, about that shower. +I'd like a needle spray. +Why? What makes you think I got rid of my mustache? +I smelled steak cooking. +Well, you're wrong. I didn't shave it off. +I'll be in the barn later, and you can see for yourself. +Who was that on the phone, dear? +It was me. +Huh? +I mean, I'm trying to reach a plumber. +I was thinking of having a stall shower put in the barn. +A stall shower in the barn? +Wilbur, I'm so glad you have your sense of humor back. +Oh, it's off. Good boy. +Sent Nanta Harry over to see if I kept my half the bargain. +Honey, about that shower for the barn. +Wilbur, you're not serious. +I am. I mean, it's very practical. +You can take a shower on the beach, you can take a shower in the house. +I can use the one in the barn. +Why do we need two? +We don't need two showers in the barn, just one. +One in the house and one in the barn. One. +You're just silly. +Not two, one. +I'm so glad you stopped being Roger. +I wonder why he hasn't been over since he shaved his off. +Will you quit stalling? +But, my dear... +If you hurry, I'll pluck it out one hair at a time. +My mother warned me at the wedding you had a sadistic streak. +If you stall any longer, it'll fall off from old age. +Shave it off. +You'll never find it now. +Kay, will you wait outside? +Just send me hourly reports. +Kay, are you sure Wilbur shaved his off? +Well, yes. I saw it with my own two eyes. +Don't you trust me? +Of course. I'll go and see for myself. +That's right. I want the shower tiled in baby blue. +Uh-oh. There goes my shower. +Down the drain. +You see, Edward, nobody can influence me when I make up my mind. +Wife or no wife. +I didn't think you had it in you. +Well, it looks like it's going to be a long, hot summer. +You can't win them all, Ed. +I knew it. I knew it. +Oh, thank you, coward. Thank you. +May think something's rotten in Denmark. +Why should I fib to you? +I tell you, I saw Wilbur without a mustache. +Then he grew another one in the last five minutes. +But I wasn't really. +If Wilbur shaved off his mustache, I will buy you a full-length mink coat. +Wonderful. My little stole is going to have a big brother. +Wilbur. +Oh. +Mr. Mann, honey, I dropped my pencil. +Well, what is it, dear? +I just saw Roger running out of here all lathered up. What happened? +Well, let's talk about it outside. It's kind of hot in here. +You're not going to start that business about a shower for the barn again? +No, no. We can always hose him down. +Down? +Hose down. Him down. Who down? +Look, we'll talk about it outside. +Now I'm sure something's rotten in Denmark, and I'm getting a whiff of it over here. +Wilbur, stop teasing. +Honey, let's celebrate tonight. +Celebrate? Oh, this. Swell. +We'll ask the Addisons for dinner. +Fine. +I'll run to the market and get something special. +We'll have a good time. +Wilbur. +Buddy boy. +Yes, Ed. +Just out here in the garden, Ed. +Wilbur. +Wilbur. +What is it, hon? +Shall we have steaks or chops? +Uh, chops. Steaks will be fine. +Wilbur. +Yes, Kate? +I knew it. I knew it. +Addison, will you come here? +Now, look for your... +Your stole is still an only child. +Wilbur, what's going on? +Yes, dear? +Wilbur Post! What are you doing to me? +Wilbur, why are you playing games? +I guess it must be the heat. +Honey, maybe you do need that shower in the barn. +Well, if you'll excuse me, +I've got to shave. +Addison, are you really going to shave it off? +We made an agreement, my dear. +Oh, well, keep your silly old mustache. +I think I like you better that way, anyway. +Mrs. Addison, do you mean it? +I mean it, doll. +Oh, bless you, my dear. +Bless you. +Wilbur, give me that silly thing. +Know something? +You like it? +Hate it. +I like you just as you are, baby face. +Ed! Ed! +Ed, I just got the Reynolds apartment deal the hard way, +without a mustache. +Good. Hand me a towel. +One towel coming up. +I have a mustache. +Hey! +A horse is a horse of course, of course +and no one can talk to a horse of course +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A +Go right to the source and ask the horse +he'll give you the answer that you'll endorse +He's always on a steady course +talk to Mr. A +So yakety yak the streak and waste your time a day +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say +A horse is a horse, of course, of course And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well listen to this +I am Mr. Ed +This has been a Filmways television presentation diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E22 The Other Woman.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E22 The Other Woman.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a0452be --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E22 The Other Woman.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,486 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Could you take pictures of both children at the same time? +Sure, my horse, Burndine, don't mind. +She can carry the whole family, and you can climb on too, lady. +Me? Oh, ho! +Gee, you're lazy. Come on, Ed, let's go. +Backseat driver. +Stop kidding around. +Who's kidding? My bunions are killing me. +I've never met such a gold-rick. Remember, it was your idea to come to the park. +I thought I was going to a picnic, not a steeplechase. +You are just lazy. Look at that horse over there, working for a living. +I'll have your picture ready in a couple minutes, lady. +Thanks. Can we all stay on the horse? +Sure. Burndine don't care. She's got a strong back. +Strong back? That poor old horse is ready for Social Security. +She looks okay to me. +Please, she's due right now for the rocking chair and the shawl. +Come on, Ed. +Your picture taken? +No, thank you. No. +Nice looking horse you got there. How old is she? +Burndine's 18. +How old is yours? +Seven. +Although he acts like he's ready for the rocking chair and the shawl. +Yeah, he does look lazy. +Only time he moves is to lie down. +How would you like to buy him? He's for sale. +No, thanks. Burndine's got a lot of good years left in her. +I work her seven days a week, 12, 14 hours a day. +And she never complains. +Well, if you should change your mind, my name is Post and I live on Valley Road. +Funny looking kid. +Hey, lady, they came out great. Beautiful children. +Well, Burndine, so you're going to sell me, huh? +Well, you don't scare me a bit. +No, your four knees were shaking like castanets. +A man's horse works 14 hours a day and she never complains. +How can she? She can't talk. +Ed, someday you're going to find out that you can't enjoy life unless you work. +I've been pretty happy so far. +I can't make a Burndine work 14 hours a day. There ought to be a horse labor law. +Come on, Ed. Let's go. +Hey, I've just got to talk to you. +Why, of course, sweetie. +Are you and Wilbur coming with us to the movie tonight? +I don't know. Wilbur hasn't come back from the park yet. +He spends so much time with that horse, sometimes I... +Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know Roger was napping. +Oh, you can talk. He's fast asleep. +Watch. +Doll, I'm going shopping. +I'm going to spend all your money. +Now, if that didn't wake him, nothing will. +He looks so comfortable like that. +Oh, he is. He always sleeps with his hand on his wallet. +When do you expect Wilbur back? +That's what I wanted to talk to you about. +When Wilbur's with that horse, I never know when he's coming home. +He certainly spends a lot of time with that animal. +Tell me, sweetie, when you got married, who signed the license? +You or the horse? +Sometimes I think I'd get more attention from Wilbur if I grew a tail. +Let me give you a tip on how to handle your husband. +It's worked with mine for years. +Now, you see, as a matter of fact... +...the husband goes to the doctor to make sure that his wallet's on the outside. +If it's on the outside, he can't... +I don't know why I bought you this saddle, you loafer. +I should have got you a sleeping bag instead. +That poor old horse, Bernadine. He works her seven days a week. +That's all you have talked about since we came home. +She's 18 years old. +If Bernadine was human, she'd be 126. +Ed, that is enough. +Would you let a 126-year-old woman carry kids on her back? +If she enjoyed it, yes. +A great humanitarian you are not. +Look, Ed, Bernadine is not my horse. What do you want me to do? +Let her come live with us. What's another mouth to feed? +Don't press your luck, Ed. I have enough trouble with Carol just keeping you. +Will you send me out to work when I'm 126? +Oh, stop being so dramatic. +I can see the inscription on my tombstone. +Here lies Ed. Dead. +Look, I don't want to hear another word about that horse. +Wilbur, I hate to interfere in other people's lives, +but if you're wise, you'll take a little friendly tip. +What is it? +Sell your horse. +Sell Ed? Why? +Either that or sell your wife. +And with the cold weather approaching, I would say Carol is a better bet. +Has Carol been complaining about Ed again? +She certainly has. You know, you're spending too much time with him. +My boy, take a little friendly tip. +Spend more time with a little woman. +And it might not be a bad idea to bring her some flowers tonight. +Flowers? That's a good idea. +But I wish Carol had told me how she felt. +Well, the time to start worrying is when they stop talking. +You're right. +I remember now. Carol didn't say a word just before I proposed to her. +She sat there staring at me. Sort of makes small talk. +I said, how about getting married? +Wilbur, I'll never understand why you spend so much time with that stupid animal. +Shouldn't have said that. You hurt his feelings. +What? +Animals can tell how you feel about them by the tone of your voice. +They can? +Troublemaker! +You're very juvenile. +What about that poor old Bernadine? +That is enough. +Haven't you got a heart? +All right. +126 years old and still working. +Ed, I'm warning you, you better watch it. +How can I through that door? +You heard what Addison said. +I'm paying too much attention to you and not enough to Carol. +That's going to lead to trouble and trouble is the last thing I want around my house. +I'm going out to buy Carol some flowers now and I don't want to hear another word out of you. +Now about that Bernadine. +Now about that Bernadine. +I wonder where Wilbur went. +I'm afraid we're going to be late for the movie. +He's probably out for a stroll with Mr. Ed. +I wouldn't be surprised if he and that horse eloped. +Oh, I'd hate to miss the opening of the picture. +You never know what's going on anyway. +And what sort of a nasty crack is that? +My dear, at the movie you're either gabbing, buying candy or looking for your shoe. +Oh, what a lucky girl I was to have married the perfect man. +No, no, my dear. +You were not lucky. +You were blessed. +Didn't Wilbur tell you where he was going? +He knows that... +Excuse me. +Wilbur. +Telegram, ma'am. +Mrs. Puts... Putts... Post. +Wilbur, this is no time for games. +Congratulations on your anniversary, Mrs. Post. +What anniversary? +You've been married exactly three years, eight months, six days, 11 hours and 12 minutes. +I never get flowers. +Darling, you're right. +Tomorrow morning I'm going to turn you loose in the garden with a pair of shoes. +Thanks, darling. +Thank you, honey. +You know, for a while there I was beginning to think you preferred your horse to me. +Are you kidding? +It may have more legs than you, but in nylons he's nothing. +Well, now that we've had a belly full of this marsh, shall we get on to the movie? +Right. +I'll get it. I'll cut it short, honey. +I'll get the car. +Hello. +How can you sit at the movie while Bernadine stands on fallen arches? +Look, I told you I refused to discuss it. +I'll be right out. +I'll phone you from my office. +Be right back, honey. +Who was that on the phone, dear? +Jerry Williams. +He wants to discuss a business deal. +It's kind of confidential, so I'm going to phone him from my office. +All right. +Oh, honey, don't stand too close to the roses. +Why not? +Next to you, they look like weeds. +Oh, isn't Wilbur wonderful? +Flowers, compliments, kissing my hand. +If my husband acted that way, I'd have him followed. +Oh, I don't have to worry about my Wilbur. +He's like the geyser in Yellowstone Park. +Old faithful. +So young. +Ed, you are acting like a child. +Now, I don't want to hear another word about Bernadine. +But why can't she live with us? +Two can live as cheap as one. +Not when they both eat like horses. +Okay, then I won't eat. +Give her my food. +Now, where's Wilbur? +By the time we get to that movie, it'll be on TV. +Relax, doll. +The price has changed hours ago. +I'm sorry, Roger. +Wilbur had a call from Jerry Williams. +Jerry Williams? +He left for Europe yesterday. +Well, sweetie, he could have called from the boat. +That'd be a good trick, since he took a plane. +A plane? +Yeah. +Oh, no, no, no. +Must be somebody else. +I'd better turn off the motor. +Why would Wilbur say Jerry Williams called if he didn't? +That's a good question. +Kissing my hand, bringing me flowers, full of compliments. +Why is he doing all of this suddenly? +Oh, well, darling, it could be any reason. +Your husband loves you, and he wants you to be happy. +Or he has a guilty conscience. +Your reason will sound better in court. +They're waiting for me. +Poor Bernadine is 130 years old. +You said she was 126. +Well, you know how women lie about their ages. +I have just made up with Carol, +and I don't intend to start any more arguments. +Now go to sleep. +I won't sleep. +Will you? +I don't want to hear another word about this. +It's over, it's settled, it's finished, it's... +Final. +Final. +About Bernadine. +Go eat your hay. +Party pants. +Well, let's go. +Coming, princess? +Wilbur, who did you say called you before? +Hmm? Oh, Jerry Williams. +That Jerry Williams never stops working. +Working. +Here it is, 8 o'clock, and he's still talking business. +Several days ago, we started on an expedition to the movies. +What happened? Have I lost the safari? +Sorry, Roger. Come on, girls, let's go. +Don't be suspicious, dear. +Whatever you think Wilbur is up to, +we're probably mistaken. +I just hope Old Faithful isn't blowing off steam for somebody else. +Boy, that movie really put me to sleep. +Wilbur? +Yes? +Do you like my hair this way? +Huh? +Oh, yeah, I like it right where it is. +Top of your head. +Good night. +Would you like me better if I changed the color? +Huh? +How about if I dyed it red? +Or black? +Or do you like platinum better? +Honey, I'd like you if you were bald. +Don't you care how I look? +Honey, you can be red one day and brunette the next. +I don't care. +I like girls with convertible tops. +Wilbur? +Do you love me? +Of course. +Say it. +Huh? +Say it. +Oh. +Night. +Is it so hard for you to say I love you? +I love you. +I can't sleep. +Then take a pill. +I don't want a pill. +Would you mind getting me one? +You seem to be keeping me awake. +Wilbur? +Is there anything you think I should know? +Wilbur, there's something we must discuss. +I know you weren't talking to Jerry Williams tonight. +And if there's some other woman in your life, please tell me. +No. +No. +No, Bernadine. +No. +No, I can't support two. +Carol would never let me have another around the house. +I can't. +All the time. +Bernadine. +Bernadine. +What's so funny? +Bernadine. +Benedict, ooh. +Aah! +Ready for breakfast, dear. +What's for breakfast, honey? +Your favorite. +Black coat, burnt eggs, chard, bacon? +Where'd you get this, at a fire sale? +You should have married a better cook. +Didn't you sleep well last night, dear? +No, but you did. +With a big smile on your face. +Hi, Kay. +Good morning, Wilbur. +Kay, I wouldn't go in the kitchen. +You'll have all your hit with a frying pan. +She is in a bad mood today. +I wonder why. +Kay, would you do me a favor? +Find out what's bothering her. +You mean you have no idea? +Hmm? +Oh, yeah. +We talked about it last night. +She made it very plain. +Well, what are you going to do about it? +Hmm? Nothing. +If she wants red hair, it's okay with me. +Excuse me, Kay. +I'm gonna feed Ed. +I'm gonna feed Ed. +Now, who's Bernadine? +I thought you were Wilbur. +Bernadine who? +I don't know. +Wilbur talked about her in his sleep last night. +Oh, poor little doll. +Kay, I'm going to have it out with him. +Oh, no, sweetie. +That'd be the worst thing you could do. +Well, what do you expect me to do? +Keep quiet? +Darling, once you tell him you know, it could be the finish. +Just be patient. +Oh, don't eat that, Kay. +I burned it on purpose. +Mmm. +Tastes fine to me. +This is how Addison always cooks my breakfast. +Kay, what am I going to do? +Look, doll. +I'll have my husband pump Wilbur. +Men tell each other things they never tell their wives. +But then Wilbur will know I know. +Oh, no, doll. +Addison may not be the brightest man in the world, +but he ranks with the sneakiest. +I wonder what Bernadine looks like. +Yes, Wilbur. +It won't stop. +Wilbur, stop shouting. +Stop shouting? +I've never heard of such a thing. +The crime is done. +I've already kidnapped Bernadine. +Ed, you are going to get me into a lot of trouble. +She'll never punch a time clock again. +I'm putting her out to pasture. +Ed, Bernadine's owner, this Charlie Woods, just called me. +He knows she's missing. +Where are you calling from? +That phone booth in the parking lot on Laurel Road. +Oh, I owe you a dime. +A dime? +I took it off of your desk. +Go ahead, add robbery to your charges. +Look, I am not going to change my mind. +You know how I feel about Bernadine. +You stay right where you are. I'm coming over. +We're going to settle this once and for all. +Hi, Roger. Look, I got to run. +Wilbur. +There's something I want to talk to you about. +Not now. I'm in a hurry. +But this is important. +You know, there comes a time in every married man's life +when he feels like stepping out. +Don't do it, Roger. Kay's a wonderful girl. +Didn't Wilbur say where he was going? +No. He just jumped in the car and drove off. +But you were supposed to have that talk with him. +I did. +Well, what did he say? +He said I should stick with you. +What? +He never even came in to say goodbye. +Oh, I'm sure this is a misunderstanding. +Wilbur just isn't the type. +Of course he isn't. +And at least you'll get the house. +Wilbur wouldn't even look at another woman. +Where's my Bernadine? +Ah! +Mr. Post stole her from me. +Just a minute, my good man. +I'll take him to court. +There are laws against these things. +You have only yourself to blame. +If you had treated her properly, she never would have left you. +Mr. Don't-tell-me-how-to-handle-Bernadine, +I haven't laid a whip to her in years. +No wonder you can't hold on to her. +I don't want to argue. +Where's my Bernadine? +With my husband. +Ah! +What's he want with her? +She's 18 years old. +18 years old? +That's right. +And she's got another four or five good years left in her. +No way to talk about your wife. +What? +Bernadine is a horse. +He married her. He ought to know. +Look, I don't know what's going on around here, +but where's my horse? +I got to take pictures in the park. +I got to make a living. +Do you mean Bernadine is really a horse? +Sure. +With four legs? +What other kind is there? +Oh, thank you! +Hey, what's going on? +Mr. Post, I've been looking for you. +Where's Bernadine? +She's outside. I just brought her back. +What's the idea of stealing my horse? +I didn't steal your horse. +My horse stole her. +No, I mean, he didn't steal her. +He thought she was working too hard. +I mean, he doesn't know... +Hey, what's going on? +You're a kook. +Excuse me. +I'm not well. +I've had better days myself. +Wilbur. +I know, I know. +You're upset because I've been spending so much time with Ed. +Come here. +Why were you kissing that man? +Wilbur, you're jealous. +I'm surprised at you. +If a couple can't trust each other, +what is there to a marriage? +You're right, dear. I shouldn't have been jealous. +But why were you hugging that man? +Oh, Wilbur. +People. +They sure can get a horse into a lot of trouble. +Well, wise guy, +I just had a talk with Bernadine's owner. +Do you know what he says? +Yeah. +She was a scrawny, unhappy animal when he got her. +Now she is happy and healthy. +And do you know why? +Yeah. +Because she loves to work. +She loves to work? +That's right. +Only through some horses are dumb animals. +A horse is a horse, a horse is a horse, +a horse is a horse, a horse is a horse, +and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, +unless the horse is the famous Mr. M. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, +he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. +Talk to Mr. M. +He'll yakety-yak the street and waste your time a day, +but Mr. M. will never speak +unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, a horse is a horse, +you never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E23 Ed Cries Wolf.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E23 Ed Cries Wolf.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b4f33fc --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E23 Ed Cries Wolf.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,478 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +Come on, it's your turn. +Uh, move my pawn down. +Here? +Yeah, checkmate. +Darn it, that's the fourth game in a row you've beaten me. +Five, but Pooh's counting. +You've just had an amazing run of luck. I'll beat you this time. +Mm-hmm, well, just to make it interesting, how about a little side bet, like five sugar cubes? +I've told you many times, it is wrong to bet. Warps your character, makes you greedy, and I always lose. +My move, huh? +Yeah. +Go ahead. +Um, you're in trouble. +What did I do wrong? +You started the game. +Uh, will you move my second pawn down, too, please? +Move it yourself. +Please, those small ones get stuck in my teeth. +Uh-huh. +Ah. +Wilbur, you're not much of a chess player, but I enjoy these hours we spend together. +I don't know what I'd do without you. Really, Wilbur. +If you would stop jabbering, maybe I could concentrate and win one of these games. +To show you we're real pals, I'll help you. +Move your king's rook down two squares. +Mm-hmm. +Mine up one. +Now yours down one. +Mine up one. +Bring your bishop down one square. +Now, uh, my bishop in front of it. +Checkmate. You lose again. +Well, I'd like to get you on a tennis court. +A tennis court? Oh, you're beautiful. +Let's play another game. And no help, please. +Okay, you set them up. Meanwhile, I'll get us a couple of apples. +A little later. +You came, Lucklin. +Well, what did Wilbur get you for your birthday? +I don't know yet. +You mean you didn't tell him what you want? +Of course not. I believe in taking pot luck. +Oh, that's dangerous, darling. You're liable to wind up with a pot. +Does he know today's your birthday? +Well, I guess so. +You guess so? Oh, listen to this poor, innocent child. +By now, you should have gotten your gift and exchanged it for something more expensive. +Well, I think I know what he's going to get me. +What? +Well, last week, Wilbur and I were passing Pierre's jewelry shop, +and I saw the most beautiful pair of earrings in the window, and I pointed them out to him. +Sweetie, dogs are pointers. Wives are grabbers. +You should have gotten them on the spot. +Oh, I'm not worried. Wilbur's probably out buying those earrings right now. +Hi, Wilbur. +Hi, Rod. +Kay tells me... +Who are you playing chess with? +With myself. +How are you making out? +I lost four times in a row. +Five. +Last time, I gave myself some bad advice. +Kay just told me you're getting your wife some pearl earrings for her birthday. +I know a place that will give you a wonderful... +Pearl earrings? Holy cow, I forgot. +Well, calm down, boy. Calm down. +Rod, thanks for reminding me. +I better get right down to Pierre's and pick up those earrings. +Pierre's? You are buying your wife genuine pearl earrings? +Yeah, why not? +Never let your heart run away with your wallet. +This time, I'd like to really surprise Carol, you know? +I'll tell you what. +After dinner, I'll bring her over to your place. +I'll pretend we're gonna have a game of bridge. +Then I'll give her the earrings. +We'll have a big birthday cake, imported champagne. +Bacon champagne? What? At my house? +Oh, I'll pay. +Oh, good, fine. +Yeah, you say the little woman deserves the best. +And, Roger? +Yeah? +Would you do me a favor? +I want this to really surprise Carol, so don't tell your wife. +Don't worry. +I only say two things to Kay all day. +Good morning and good night. +All conversation in between is strictly hers. +Well, happy spending. +I thought old pickle pusher'd never leave. +Ed, guess what? +Today is Carol's birthday. +Swell. Set up the chess board and we'll celebrate. +Carol, I can't play chess now. +I gotta buy some earrings. +Um, in the middle of our game? +She's my wife. +So what? I'm your horse. +Sorry, Ed, I can't spend all my time with you. +See you later. +Wilbur, let's compromise, huh? +Spend your evenings with her and your days with me. +Don't feel bad, Ed. +When it's your birthday, I'll get you earrings. +Wife. +Big deal. +I bet it would take her ten minutes to run a mile. +Oh, hi, honey. +Have you been in the barn all this time? +Uh, yes. I just remembered. +I've gotta go downtown. +To get something? +Uh, yes. +For whom? +I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. +Oh, I can tell you, dear. +Gonna buy some hay at the feed store. +Oh, thank you, Doc. +Hay? +Yeah. See you later. +Wilbur? +Yeah? +You've always said I had pretty shell-like ears. +A beachcomber's delight, my sweet. +Well, don't you think they need a little something to show them off? +You're right. +Why don't you curl your hair over your ears? +Like that. Beautiful. +Tell you a secret, honey. I married you for your ears. +Sure. +Yeah. I mean, the lips, the nose, the eyes, all that stuff. +Just part of the package deal. +If you want my ears, they'll be in the kitchen. +I'll get it, dear. +Hello? +How about getting back to our chess game? +I can't, Ed. +I gotta go down to Pierre's and pick up Carol's present. +But, Wilbur, we gotta play. +It's the only thing that takes my mind off of my poor sprained back. +You're just faking. +You just don't like to be alone. +Now, look, you play solitaire until I come back from Pierre's. +Pierre's. +I'm sure your wife will appreciate the pearl earrings, Mr. Post. +Yeah. Frankly, I didn't expect to pay so much, but after all, what's money? +Hard come, easy go. +Well, you know what they say. +You have only one wife. +Yes, I do. +And I'm sure she'll appreciate the pearl earrings. +I'm sure she'll appreciate the pearl earrings. +I'm sure she'll appreciate the pearl earrings. +You have only one wife. +Yeah. And at these prices, I'm glad she's got only two ears. +Would you like to have the earrings delivered? +Yes, please. +The address is 17230 Valley Road. +17230 Valley Road. +Wait a minute. On second thought, maybe I better take it with me. +I want to surprise my wife. +But she might notice it. The package is very conspicuous, no? +Yes, that's true. +I know. I'll hide it in the closet, and then after dinner, +when we're playing bridge with our neighbors, I'll go back and sneak it out. +Excuse me. +Piers, may I help you? +Yes. Mr. Post, it's for you. +Me? +Yes. +Thank you. +Hello? +Why did you hang up on me before? +I'm sorry. I was in a hurry. +Look, you eat your hay, and I'll play chess with you later. +No, Ed. I am not ignoring you. +Didn't I ride you in the park on Sunday? +Okay. If you've got burrs in your tail, I'll comb them out. +See you later. +There's a friend of mine. We're always kidding around. +It sounded to me like you were talking to a horse. +Well, how could that be? +Thank you for wrapping the package so nicely. +Oh, excuse me. +Hello? One minute. Mr. Post, it's your friend the horse again. +Thank you. +Now what is it? +Come home. I've got a headache. +My eyes hurt. +Maybe you've been watching TV too much. +You're right. Maybe I need glasses. +Glasses? +Now listen, Ed. I know, but... +I know, but... +No, Ed. There is no such thing as a horse optometrist. +All right. I'll come home. +But Ed, if you're kidding, I'll twist a knot in your tail. +It's a friend of mine. He's quite a character. +A friend of mine. +Believe me, Wilbur, I'm very nearsighted. +Runs in my family. +My mother used to bump into trees. +We'll find out. +And my father was even worse. +He was married to Mother for ten years and never knew what she looked like. +Yeah. Okay, now read the chart. +What chart? +The one on the wall. +What wall? +I know. Stop the faking, Ed. +I want you to read the fourth line from the top, +start at the first letter. +Uh... +It's either a B or a G or an I. +Or an X. +Never mind. Read the big one at the top. +That's easy. It's an O. +You're right. It's an O. +It is not. It's an E. +Ah, your eyes are perfect. I tricked you. +No, my eyes are bad. +I know the Fairbanks Optical Company always puts an E on the top of their charts. +How do you know the Fairbanks Company made this chart? +Well, that's what it says right there on the bottom. +Manufactured by the Fairbanks Optical Company. +How about a little chess? +I am tired of you and your faking. +But I get lonely in here, four empty walls, no one to talk to. +A horse can go stir crazy. +Silver! +In here, honey. +The eternal triangle. +A man, a wife, and his horse. +What would you like for dinner tonight? +Or do you think we should eat out? +Eat out? Oh, no, no, we can't eat out. +You see, after dinner, we're going over to the Addisons. +Oh, is there something going on there? +No, nothing, nothing. Just gonna play some bridge. +Sounds exciting. +I hate to tease her like this, but there's one thing about a surprise gift. +You've got to give it at the right time. +Are you gonna be at the Addisons all night? +Of course, it's my wife's birthday. +Why don't you just hand her the earrings and blow? +Look, Ed, at 8 o'clock, when I sneak out of the Addisons' house to pick up the earrings, +I'll drop by here and say goodnight to you. +Big deal. +Think you can spare the time? +Anybody home? +Kay's upstairs. +Good. +How about Carol's birthday cake here? +Where can I hide it where Kay won't find it? +In the kitchen. She never goes in there. +Addison doll, who came in? +It was Wilbur, my love. +I'll duck this in the closet. She's coming down. +Hello, Kay. +Hi, Wilbur. +I just dropped by to borrow a cup of pencils. +What's Carol doing? +She's getting ready to go to the market. +Why don't you join her, my love? +No, no, I hate to shop for anything I can't wear. +I'm going to the beauty parlor and see what colors they're pushing this week. +Addison, I'd like to get my coat. +Coat? On a stifling day like this? +Oh, hey, it's not only stifling. It's hot. +It's so hot outside that the pigeons are sitting under the statues. +Addison, please. +Goodbye, my dear. +Doll, I'm in no mood for games. +But, sweetheart, I'm only thinking of you. +If you go out on a hot day like this, you might get overheated. +You might get a chill. +And before you know it, you're in the hospital. +And there's only so much penicillin can do. +All right, I'll wear my little black sweater. +Great idea. I'll go get it. +It's in the closet. +Well, I'll have my hair back before dinner. +I'm going to be surprising Carol with that cake in the closet. +Cake? Wilbur would like this to be a real surprise. +Now, promise me you won't say a word to Carol. +Well, of course. +Well, see you. +Hold it, loose lips. +Why don't you stay here until our bridge game tonight? +Well, Wilbur, you trust me, don't you? +Oh, sure. But you know how it is. +You start talking to Carol. She says, how are things? +You say, fine, Wilbur's got a cake in our closet. +And before you know it, she catches on. +Will you please get that while I hold on to the town crier? +Hello? +It's for me. +What is it? +I got an air ache, Wilbur. +Rush over with a couple of hundred aspirin. +Well, I'm sorry, I don't need any insurance, Mr. Christie. +Don't be too rough on her, Roger. +Use leg irons only if necessary. +Ah, that was a delicious dinner. +Let's hope we're lucky at bridge tonight, huh? +It'd be nice to be lucky at something. +I don't know, it's too hot for a coat. I'll put it in the closet. +Oh, no, no. No, you should wear a coat, honey. +It's so cool outside, the pigeons who were sitting under the statue are now wearing sweaters. +Wilbur. +Remember, honey, no tumping my ace tonight, huh? +I'll get it. +No, no. I'll get it. You go on to the Addisons. +Hello? +There's a suspicious looking character hanging around the house. +You'll say anything to get me in that barn, won't you? +But Wilbur, this time I'm telling the truth. +I crossed my Fedlocks and hoped to die. +Suspicious character. +Why don't you invite him in to play chess with you? +Kay, you were so right. He forgot. +I should have been a grabber instead of a pointer. +Excuse me. There is something I must tell you. +Yes? +I'm sorry, my dear. +You were saying? +I will tell Carol that it looks like another warm day tomorrow. +A simple weather report. +Beautifully put, my dear. +Sorry I kept you waiting. +Well, here we go again. Posts against the Addisons. +If you don't mind, I'd like to play with Roger. +I don't mind if Kay doesn't. +You can play with anyone you want as long as the money is in my name. +I could do with a cold drink, too. +Honey, can I get you something? +No, thank you. I have everything I need. +There are some cold drinks in the refrigerator, Wilbur. +Help yourself. +Carol, I've just got... +A wonderful husband you have there, Carol. +That's what he keeps telling me. +Happy birthday, honey. +Happy birthday, Carol. +Oh, my darling. +You fooled me. +Oh, you're all so wonderful. +Big secret, wasn't it? +And that isn't all, honey. +That insurance agent again. I'll get it. +Happy birthday again, dear. +Don't cut it now. Don't cut it. +That crook's in your house now. +No, I've already got enough insurance, Mr. Christy. +Goodbye. +Guy never gives up. +Carol, as I was saying, that isn't all. +I have another surprise for you. +Back in a second. +All right, darling. +Kay, what did he get me? +Kay? +I promised I wouldn't tell. +But they'll look lovely on your ears. +Oh, just what I wanted. +That's right. Earlaps. +I should get you one to put over your mouth. +Oh, my Carol. +Come here, darling. +Hey! +Stop! +Another man in space. +Okay, buddy, put them up. +This is the law. +If you turn around, I'll let you have it. +I ain't moving. +Take one step and you're dead meat. +Please, officer, just arrest me. +The wagon will be here in a minute. +I just phoned the station. +Keep those hands off. +Please, don't shoot. Please. +Don't turn around or I'll blast you. +Sure as my name is Elliot Nass. +I'm not turning, officer. Please. +Just take me in. +Okay, okay, what's going on? +Officer, I'm guilty. +I stole these things from this guy here. +Oh, you did, huh? +My wife's earrings. +My wallet. +Officer, I'm glad you got here. +This cop behind me is trigger-happy. +What cop? +The only thing behind you is a horse. +But there was a cop there. +I heard him talk. +He was holding a gun on me. +He said he was Elliot Nass. +Well, it couldn't be a horse. +There was a man talking, not a horse. +A talking horse? +This man is obviously in need of help. +Come on, buddy. +A man was talking? +That's impossible. +Come on. +You're right. +He was right. I need help. +Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't believe you, +but this is what happens when you don't tell the truth all the time. +Yeah, you're right. You're right. +From now on, it's only going to be the truth. +All right. +Tell you what, I'll sneak over later, +and we'll have a nice game of chess. +Good, but hurry, because I got a toothache. +Me, too. +Toothache? Why is he holding his back? +Oh, I love my earrings, darling. +How did you know I wanted them? +Well, when you pointed to them at Pierre's, +you nearly broke the window. +Oh, and thank you, Kay, for the perfume. +Oh, it's powerful stuff, doll. +Don't use it if you're only kidding. +And thank you, Roger, for the handkerchief. +My dear, it was nothing. +You're right. +A toast to my wife. +Yeah. +Carol. +Carol. +To Carol. +Thank you. +Excuse me, I'll be right back. +And you thought I'd forgotten your birthday, huh? +Oh, you sure forgot me. +Oh, you do remind me of my mother, a thousand years ago. +Carol. +Carol. +For me? +It's for you. +Nobody knows I'm here. +It's for you just the same. +Thank you, Roger. +Hello. +Oh, Wilford, how thoughtful, a singing telegram. +A singing... +Yeah. +For she's a jolly good fellow, +which nobody can deny. +Happy birthday, Carol. +Oh, thank you. +Thank you very much. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, +and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, +he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. +Talk to Mr. A. +He will yakety-yak the streak and waste your time a day, +but Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, +and this one will talk to his voice, his horse. +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed. +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E24 The Contest.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E24 The Contest.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8c27352 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E24 The Contest.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,444 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. +Talk to Mr. Red. +J'ai le crayon. +I have the pencil. +J'ai le crayon. +J'ai le crayon. +You have the pencil. +Vous avez le crayon. +Vous avez le crayon. +Hey, what's going on here? +Hello, chérie. +How are you? +What's with the beret and the phonograph? +Where'd you get them? +I ordered them over the telephone. +I am thinking of taking the trip around the world. +The only trip you're taking is around the stable. +The horse wanting to travel, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of. +But I want to see Spain, France, China. +China? +China, coming up. +I'm getting the rickshaw, I'll be right with you. +Oh, hopping rickshaw, sir. +25 yen, first mile. +I run very fast. +Oh, come on, here we go. +Oh, we thought we had Great Wall of China. +We're on the right place, and on the right, we have the fate. +I think you've flipped your fortune cookie. +Thank you, Pudgy. +Well, what's new? +You still married? +No, I'm still single. +Well, what's new? You still married, okay? +Wilbur, I don't understand what goes on in here. +Somehow you're a different man once you come into this bar. +You talk to yourself, you act strangely. +Why don't you give up this place and get yourself an office on the outside? +I can't. I'm not well. +I'll see the world if I have to join the Navy. +Hello? +Hello, this is George Hausner from radio station WPXQ. +What's on your mind, George? +I'm calling for our giant jackpot contest. +Is this Mr. Post? +How much is the prize? +$100. +This is Mr. Post. What's your question? +Mr. Post, you have just one minute to answer. +Now, you may feel free to use any books that you have. +Your friends can help you. +Stop gabbing, George, and ask the question. +All right, Mr. Post, you have one minute to answer. +Can you tell us, what is the capital of Iceland? +That's easy. Reykjavik. +Congratulations, Mr. Post, you have won $100. +And you are now eligible for our giant jackpot $5,000 prize next week. +$5,000? +Oh, thank you. +Thank you. +Those little Spanish fillies are practically sitting on my lap now. +La cucaracha, la cucaracha. +Wilbur! +What? What's the matter? +Why didn't you tell me you won a contest? +Oh, well, I didn't... What contest? +This contest. Oh, you should have told me. +Wilbur Post, 17 Valley Road, won contest. +Eligible for $5,000 final next week. +Must be some other Wilbur Post. +Living at the same address? +You got a point there. +Oh, Wilbur, I'm so proud of you. +Honey, I tell you, it wasn't me. +I'm gonna call the radio station and... +It was me, buddy boy. +Had you fooled for a minute, didn't I? +Oh, Wilbur, how did you know that the capital of Iceland was Rykjavik? +It is? I mean, it is. +Any school horse knows... Any school boy knows that. +Well, how's our famous quiz kid? +Congratulations, my boy. +Isn't it wonderful? Just imagine, if he answers this question, we get $5,000. +Two mink coats as the fur flies. +Wilbur, what do you intend to do with the $5,000 if you win? +Well, I really hadn't thought about it. +Well, we've always wanted to travel, but we never could afford it. +Maybe we could go to Europe. +Sure. And if we run out of money in Copenhagen, I'll just pick up the phone and win another $5,000. +Oh, I wish we could go along. +Why not? Money was meant to be spent. +Oh, I think it's a wonderful idea. The four of us should have a rousing time in Europe. +Sure. We'll spend the $5,000 we won, and then with the $5,000 you're going to spend, we will have a rousing time. +You mean... +We're not going as your guests? +Well, on second thought, let's see America first. It's more patriotic. +And cheaper. +Oh, honey, I always said you were smart. +Wait till my family read about your winning. +My father always thought you were a dumbbell. +Yeah, well, this will prove... He did? +Well, I bet he doesn't know that Reykjavik is the capital of Sweden. +Iceland. +I just want to see if you're on your toes. +Well, if you want me to hear, I'll be in my office, resting my brain. +Rupert, maybe you should start studying. I mean, who knows what question they're going to ask you next week. +Just let them dial. I'll be ready at my end. +Ed? Oh, boy. Ed, how did you do it? +It was nothing. +Start at the very beginning. Tell me all about it. +Nothing to tell. The phone rang, I answered, and please put the hundred in my account. +I was so excited. You know, if we win that $5,000, I'm going to take her to Europe. +Sure, we can't leave her here. Let's take her with us. +And we'll travel first class. I don't like to mix with the hoi polloi. +Ed, forget about it. We can't take a horse along. +Hold it, Mac. Who's taking who? +I answered the phone last night. +But you used my name. +But I used my brain. +Well, we'll try to work something out, Ed. +Meanwhile, I better start phoning up. +Wilbur, I've been thinking. +When that phone rings next week, you may get stage fright. +They may ask you a perfectly simple question like, +Who is the 13th President of the United States? +You can't answer. The next day, millions of people are going to be laughing at you. +Why is your horse wearing this Tyrolean hat? +Oh, well, I let him eat a piece of my Swiss cheese sandwich, and it went to his head. +You were right. You aren't well. +Ed. +The 13th President. Abraham Lincoln? +Andrew Jackson? +Zachary Taylor? +Try Mickey Mouse. +Who was it? +Millard Fillmore, born January 7, 1800, died... +All right, don't rub it in. +Ed, I'll feel like a fool if I miss an easy question. +And you can't help me because Carol and the Addisons will be with me. +Well, don't worry about that. +Just cancel all of your engagements this week. +What for? +I'm going to coach you. +Ed, I would really appreciate it. +Cut the corn. Just repeat after me. +George Washington, born February 27. +Carol, be sensible. +Is it worth it? Your husband is driving himself to exhaustion. +He's been studying every night this week. +He hasn't slept. He's been skipping meals. He's been... +Grover, you look tired. Can I get you some coffee? +Coffee. Brazil. Area. 3,288,050 square miles. +He's a walking zombie. +Honey, you skipped dinner. Can I fix you a turkey sandwich? +Turkey. Republic since 1923. +Bordered on the west by Greece, Bulgaria, and the Aegean Sea. +Look what he's going through to win this contest. +And you want him to throw away that prize money. +Money. The international rate of exchange. +In Greece, the currency unit is the drachma. +In Guatemala, it's the quetzal. +In Honduras, it's the limpera. +In Iceland, it... +Iceland, it's... +Dried fish. +Oh, Addison, why don't you leave him alone? +Alone. The act of lending or a sum of money lent for interest. +See, interest. +Honey, maybe you studied enough tonight. +No, I've got a lot more reading to do, dear. +If you want me, I'll be in the barn. +Darling, the barn's over here. +Morning, Roger. Morning, Kay. +Nine o'clock at night and he says good morning? +Is this worth a trip to Europe? +Europe, a continent with adjacent islands... +Get your thinking cap on, amigo. +We're doing Spain. +Yes, master. +What is the capital? +Cap... Capital of Spain. +Capital of Spain? +Oh, Ed, Ed, it's no use. I'm worn out. +Shall I give you a massage? +Ed, it won't help. +When that phone rings tomorrow, +I'll be too tired to think of the answer. +And with Carol and Addison in the room with me, +you won't be able to help me. +Oh, yes, I will. +Ed, you mean you're going to talk in front of everyone? +No, it's going to be just you and me in this barn, chum. +How far is the Earth from the Moon? +Uh, 250,000 miles. +Right. +Uh, what year was Lincoln assassinated? +1865. +A month? +April. +The day? +The 14th. +You want to know what Abe had for dinner? +Oh, we're a cinch to win tonight, Ed. +Then I'll take you on the continent, all over. +Oh, we'll eat like a king. +In Italy, it'll be a parmesan, +and France, haute sousette. +In Germany, carrots, wiener schnitzel. +Oh, that's what I call eating. +Wilbur, you've been around that horse so long, +you're starting to eat like one. +Hiya, Roger. Pull up a chair. +Thanks. +Have a grape. +No, no, no. +Wilbur, I've come to appeal to you. +If you answer that question correctly tonight, +you may break up a happy marriage. +Oh, no. Carol loves me. +I'm talking about my own marriage. +I'm going to be frank with you. +I'm not as well off as Kay thinks, +and if she goes on a spending spree in Europe, +I'll come home a pauper. +Please, I happen to know you are loaded. +Why don't you want to take your wife on a trip to Europe? +Because I'm not only loaded, I'm stingy. +Wilbur, this is Mr. Hausner from the Giant Jackpot Show. +Oh, don't get up, Mr. Post. +Thank you. +Mr. Hausner, this is my neighbor, Mr. Edison. +Mr. Edison, how do you do? +If you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with the bankruptcy board. +Mr. Hausner is here to give you last-minute instructions. +That's right, Mr. Post. +I want to make sure, first of all, +that you'll be home at 9 o'clock when we make that big telephone call. +Oh, don't you worry. I'll be here. +Honey, would you wake me at, oh, about 5 to 9? +I'll be taking a little nap. +Isn't he confident? +Do you know he has barely looked at a book in two days? +Once I read something, I never forget it. +I have total recall. +Total recall? +He can't remember what he ate today. +Just one more reminder, Mr. Post. +You'll have one minute to answer the question. +Now then, feel free to use any reference books +your friends or your wife can help you. +Oh, thank you. I don't need anybody with me. +You certainly have the most amazing confidence. +I just left your competitor, Carl Schultz, at his grocery store, +and you've never seen a more nervous man. +Some people have it. Some people don't. +He's pretty smart with my brains. +Well, good luck, Mr. Post. +Thanks, but I won't need it. +Oh, did I leave my briefcase in your living room, Mrs. Post? +Briefcase? No, you didn't have any. +Oh, I must have left it somewhere. +Well, remember, you will have just 60 seconds +to come up with the right answer. +60 seconds for a simple geography question. +I wonder what I'll do with the extra 59. +Here, I'll show you out, Mr. Hathaway. +Thank you. +Carl. +Carl, do you think it's all right to come back here? +Nobody answered the front door. Maybe there's somebody back here. +But, Carl, maybe we should bring Mr. Hathaway's briefcase to the radio station. +He must be looking for it. +But he told us he will be coming here. +Maybe there's somebody back in the barn. Let's look. +Nobody answers. +Oh, what a beautiful horse. +Carl, if you are lucky enough to win the contest, +could we buy a little farm and a nice horse like this? +There you go, dreaming again, Frieda. +People like us don't have such luck. +I guess you are right. +Look at this beautiful house. +Must be a very smart man, that architect. +Yes, Frieda, he must be. +Carl, if we are lucky enough and we win, +maybe we can send for my mother. +I haven't seen her in 33 years. +We'll see, Frieda. We'll see. Come. +33 years. +That's a long time not to see your mother. +Those Soltzers are going to need some help. +Carol, shouldn't you be waking him? +They'll be calling in a few minutes. +Oh, Addison doll, you do want Wilbur to win after all. +Nobody wants to live next door to a loser. +Oh, honey, we love Europe. +Of course, they say travel is very broadening. +When it comes to money, it can be very flattening. +Wilbur, it's time. +Coming, dear. +Honey, guess what? +If you win, Roger is coming to Europe with us. +Well... +We'll come down to steerage and say hello to you. +Honey, are you sure you don't want us to go to the barn with you? +We could look for the answer in the books. +I'm an expert page-turner. +I used to date a librarian. +Thank you, thank you. That won't be necessary. +At a time like this, I should be alone with my thoughts. +I'm a lucky girl to be married to such a brilliant man. +You know, Addison may not be smart, sweetie, but he's loaded. +Time for company. +Mrs. Post? +That's right. +I'm Charlie Grant from the Jai Jackpot Show. +I'm here to take some pictures of your husband. +I'm going to go ahead. +In a few minutes, that phone's going to ring. +You'll give the answer, +and soon you'll be serenading a Spanish filly under her stable window. +Pull up a chair, Wilbur. +For you or me? +Wilbur, there comes a time in your life when you have to make sacrifices. +What do you mean? +33 years is a long, long time not to see your old mother. +What are you talking about? +Mrs. Post? +Yes? +I'm Charlie Grant from Jai Jackpot. +Oh, yes, well, would you mind waiting in the house? +I'm expecting the call in a few seconds. +That's why I'm here. I'm going to take your picture. +Well, why don't you take it after I win? +I'll have a bigger smile on my face. +Well, no, I'd lose my job if I didn't get a shot of you on the phone. +You better answer it, Mr. Post. +That's $5,000. +Oh, yes, of course. +Hello? +Mr. Post, you have 60 seconds to answer our giant jackpot question. +For $5,000, in what ocean are the Cape Verde Islands? +Cape Verde Islands? +Cape Verde Islands. +The Cape Verde Islands? +Cape Verde Islands. +Just a minute. +Help! Roger, Carol, Katie, help! +Jogging. Where's the jogging people? +Hold on, hold on. +Jogging. +Wait, wait, I... +Jogging. Excuse me. +Jogging. +Jogging. +Jogging. +What's the matter? Huh? What's wrong? +What's the matter? Wilbur, what's happened? +Where are the Cape Verde Islands? +Cape Verde Islands. +Carol, Carol! +Wilbur, Wilbur, which book would have it? +It's in the geography book. Help me find the geography book. +Geography book. +Just a minute. +Geography book. +Don't stand there. +Here. +Go with it. +Mr. Post, you have just 20 seconds. +19, 18, 7... +Hurry! +I've got to get here somewhere. +14, 13, 12, 11... +Quiet! +10, 9, 8, 7, 6... +The Cape Verde Islands are... +in the Pacific Ocean? +Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Post. +They're in the North Atlantic. +I was wrong. +They're in the North Atlantic. +It's just slightly off. +How far? +$5,000 worth. +Mr. Post, it's all about a big smile. +Wouldn't you rather have an honest picture of a man crying? +Thanks a lot. +Better luck next time. +Oh, Addison. +Don't you fret, my dear. +I'll take you on a trip real soon. +Where to, Big Daddy? +Cucamonga? +Why don't you kids come over for coffee in a few minutes? +I should be over my nervous breakdown by then. +Oh, never mind, honey. +We'll take a trip someday. +Yeah, but not to the Cape Verde Islands. +Why don't you give Kay a hand? +I'll be right here. +All right. +Ed, why did you turn your back on me? +It wasn't my fault. +I know you were looking forward to taking this trip, +but I couldn't get rid of the photographer. +And about that geography book, +what do you suppose could have happened to it? +Where is it? +Ed, why did you hide it? +We might have won. +I did it for Carl and Freda. +Carl and Freda? Who are they? +Well, that's a long story. +As I said, there comes a time in your life +when you have to make sacrifices. +This old couple, she hasn't seen her mother in 33 years. +I've just got to care about her. +Ed, here's a picture of the Schultzes accepting the $5,000. +They're cute. +You're not sore at me, are you, Wilbur? +Of course not. +It was a nice thing you did, +making it possible for Mrs. Schultz to bring her mother over. +I always was a softie. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And no one can talk to a horse, of course +That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed +Go right to the source and ask the horse +He'll give you the answer that you endorse +He's always on a steady course +Talk to Mr. Ed +Heeple yakity yak, he'll streak and waste your time a day +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And this one will talk to his voice, his horse +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this! +I am Mr. Ed +This has been a Filmways television presentation diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E25 Pine Lake Lodge.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E25 Pine Lake Lodge.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1200839 --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E25 Pine Lake Lodge.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,559 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, +that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red. +You don't have to do that. +I don't mind. +My mother always said if you don't keep a place clean, it gets to look like a stable. +Ed, I've got news for you. +Uh-uh. +Carol and I have decided to spend a few days up at Bill Parker's lodge in the mountains. +I need a change. +So do I. I'll pack a few things and meet you kids out front. +Ed, we're not leaving yet and we can't take you along anyway. +Now wait a minute, Wilbur. +You always tell me I'm one of the family, is that right? +Sure. +Then how come every time you take a trip, I suddenly become a horse again? +Stop talking like a baby. +Well. +Roger's gonna feed you and take care of you until we get back. +Big deal. +That old sourpuss hates me. +He does not. +Okay, so I hate him. +Please take me along, Wilbur. +I've never gone fishing. +Fishing? +Who ever heard of a horse fishing? +Well, if you're gonna bring that up, who ever heard of a horse talking? +Please take me along. +I'm a little tired of being cooped up in this old stable. +Where would you expect to live? +This is America, where even a horse can dream of living in the White House. +Pine Lake Lodge. +Oh, I bet the weather is beautiful there. +I'll get it, Martha. +Pine Lake Lodge, Bill Parker, proprietor speaking. +Wilbur Post. +How are you, Wilbur? +Great. +Thinking of coming up? +Fine. +The weather? +Couldn't be more beautiful. +Oh, and of course have your wife bring her bathing suit. +She'll need it. +Reservations? +Just a minute, Wilbur. +Martha, we got any empty rooms? +14 of them. +Yeah, we got four. +I mean, we can just squeeze you in. +We expect to be fine. +Just squeeze you in? +Yeah, just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +Just squeeze you in. +The weather couldn't be more beautiful. +Tell me, Mr. Parker, how do you make up things like that? +Martha, I'm a very truthful man. +And as soon as Mr. Post registers, I'll tell him the truth. +That I lied. +Oh, honey, I'm so glad I finally got you to go away for a weekend. +The rest will do you a world of good. +Come on, let's go. +Okay. +You want me to carry that with you? +Yeah. +Honey, I'd better go see if Mr. Ed's all right. +Hurry, Wilbur, or we'll get stuck in traffic. +Don't worry. +SPCA. +I want to report a neglected horse. +His owners are leaving him for the weekend in a cold, drafty stall. +Hear him coughing? +The name of the guilty party? +Well, it's... +Hey, what are you doing? +I'm calling the Bureau of Missing Horses. +Why? +The minute you go, I'm leaving this chicken outfit. +I tried to explain to you, we can't take you along. +You're taking your wife. +Well, that's different. +We're married. +You mean because I'm single, I'm staying home? +Hey, cheer up. +I told you the Addisons are going to look after you. +Now, you just read your books. +See you Monday. +Oh, uh, Wilbur. +Huh? +Drive carefully. +You're all I have. +Washy. +Oh, Martha. +Wilbur's gone. +Oh, Martha, Wilbur and Carol Post are checking in today. +Did you change the linen in room 12? +What for? +Nobody's used it for three years. +Hey, what's this about a town meeting here this morning? +Well, Ida Brenner's trying to raise some more money for the children's camp. +You better keep your Uncle Bill away. +He's probably still paying off the pledges from last year. +You're so right. +But don't worry. +I sent him off fishing an hour ago. +And by the time he gets back... +He is back. +Uncle Bill, you said you were going fishing. +That's right. +After the meeting. +But Uncle Bill... +Now, Annie, you haven't got a thing to worry about. +I won't open my mouth. +I'll just sit there quietly in the front row. +And why can't you just sit there quietly in the back row? +Because nobody can hear me from there. +Thank you. +Thank you for your contribution, Mr. Finnelly. +Well, some of you have donated very generously to our Pine Lake summer camp. +But we still need $350 if those children are going to have their tables and benches. +Now, won't somebody volunteer to donate just a small part of the money? +Please, friends. +How about someone who hasn't contributed yet? +How about starting it off with $25? +Will somebody please raise his hand? +Oh, come, neighbors. +Remember, this is a very worthy cause. +How about $15? +Please, friends, we have to have $350 for the tables and benches. +Oh, won't somebody help raise the fund? +I can't raise my hands, but I'll raise the money. +All of it. +Oh. +I knew we could depend on you, Bill Parker. +Yeah, I'll get all the furniture those children need. +You can depend on me, Ida. +Well, if you say so, Bill, that's good enough for me. +Meetings adjourned. +Well, you did it again, Big Daddy. +Now, look, Annie, I've got everything all figured out. +I'll do the work, and Dave Miller will donate the lumber. +It won't cost a cent. +And just what makes you so sure he'll donate the lumber? +Because I know Dave Miller, that man's got a heart of gold. +When he hears about those poor kids, he'll turn over his whole lumberyard to me. +Hello, Elsie, get me Dave Miller at the lumberyard. +You better fix up the room for the posts. +They'll be here at 3 o'clock. +Yes, Chief. +I'll be there. +That lumber's as good as in my workshop. +Hello, Dave. +Bill Parker. +Yeah, I'm fine, Dave. +Say, Dave, look, I just volunteered to build some furniture for the summer camp, and I +thought maybe you'd like to contribute it. +A few hundred bored feet of pine. +But Dave, it's for those poor kids. +Look, Dave, you were a kid once yourself. +The stingiest kid in town, and you haven't changed a bit. +Go. +Let's see. +40 kids. +That's about 1,200 feet of lumber. +50 cents a foot, that's $600. +Where am I going to get $600? +Hello, Bill. +Oh, hello, Milo. +Beautiful day, huh? +Yeah. +Yeah, it sure is money. +I mean, Milo. +Here, sit down. +Let me dust off a plate for you. +Sit right down there. +Thank you, Bill. +Have any luck catch anything? +Oh, yeah, sure. +Like this. +Oh, by heaven, that's a beauty. +It's all yours. +Oh, no, no. +Oh, I insist, Milo. +I couldn't. +Milo, it's yours. +Thank you. +This is very generous of you, Bill. +Oh, generous. +Look who's calling me generous. +Milo, I'd say that you were about the most generous man in these parts. +Oh, no, you don't. +I heard all about you offering to give that summer camp all the benches and chairs. +You open your mouth, and now you're trying to put my foot in it. +Forget it. +You're right. +It's my problem, not yours. +Yeah. +I'll figure out a way to get that wood. +Don't worry. +I'll... +Milo. +Huh? +You know there's enough wood in one of those trees to furnish three summer camps? +Yeah, but you don't think that old skin-flin Thompson is gonna give it to you, do you? +Fat chance of that. +He... +But, Milo. +Huh? +Suppose by... +By some act of nature, one of those trees suddenly fell over. +And, uh, would that act of nature maybe be one man with a saw? +No. +Two men with a saw. +No, no, no. +One man with a saw. +Goodbye. +No, no, Milo. +Wait a minute. +No, no, no. +Sit down, Milo. +I'll think of something. +Pardon me, gentlemen. +I'm taking pictures for my bird watchers group. +Have you seen a speckle-coated sparrow around here? +Lady, can you handle a two-man saw? +I beg your pardon? +Then the bird went that way. +Oh. +Bill, you will never get anybody to help you. +Oh, don't be too sure. +Wilbur Post will be checking in in about an hour. +Oh, forget about it, Bill. +He will never help you chop down a tree that don't belong to you. +Milo, huh? +You know it don't belong to me, and I know it don't belong to me. +Now, this fish will keep his little trap shut. +Wilbur will never know, will he? +Oh, yeah. +Inkeeper! +Food and drink for the weary travelers. +Oh, hello, Bill. +So good to see you. +And Cindy, my, how you've grown. +Can I have a kiss? +Can I have a penny? +Cindy, little girls don't ask men for pennies. +That's right. +They grow up, marry them, and then take it all. +Wilbur! +Bill! +Carol! +Hello, Bill. +Well, it's about time you two got here. +We would have been here sooner, but we got stuck in the beautiful weather. +Oh, yeah, well, it's cleared up now. +Yeah, yeah, yeah. +Uncle Bill's got the whole weekend planned for you, Wilbur. +Yeah, you know the first thing you're going to do tomorrow morning? +Yeah, sleep until noon. +This is strictly a rest cure for me, Bill. +I'm going to plant myself in that old rocking chair and make sure I get a good night's sleep. +Plant yourself in that old rocking chair and let the fat grow. +Now, you've got a pretty good start on that garden right now. +Honey, will you get the bags from the car? +I'll help you, Wilbur. +Come on, I'll show you if you need anything. +Wonderful. +Oh, I say, while you're here. +Ah, there's nothing like this clean mountain air. +Yeah, that and a little exercise and you'll be all better again. +Better again? +Well, what's wrong with me now? +Oh, nothing. +For the shape you're in, you look fine. +For years now, I haven't had a pain or an ache since I've been doing my special exercise. +Special exercise? +Yeah, my secret to a long life. +As soon as I get you unpacked, I'll show it to you. +It's something that every man can do right in his own backyard. +Come on, boy. +Are you sure this is the secret to a long life? +Guaranteed. +Right. +I feel like 70 already. +Oh, you look fine, boy. +You've lost all that paleness. +You've got a nice red color. +Keep sorting, we're almost done. +I tell Carol about this. +Uh, you better not tell anyone. +I just remembered something. +What's that? +What we're doing. +It's a federal offense. +Well, as long as it shows up your muscles. +Federal offense? +Yes. +Timber! +Good work, Wilbur. +Now all we have to do is sort in sections. +What do you mean it's a federal offense? +Oh, that's only in case we get caught. +No, no, wait, wait. +Look, a Forrest Ranger truck. +Duck! +Secret to long life. +We better get going. +It's getting shorter every second. +No, no! +Hello? +Oh, yes, Ann. +Yeah, I'll take the call. +Hello? +Hello, Wilbur. +Ed! +Hey, Ed! +It's nice to hear your voice. +How do you feel? +I don't want to worry you, +but I've lost 50 or 60 pounds. +Ed, will you stop it? +I just talked to the Addisons on the phone yesterday, +and I happen to know you're being very well fed. +Well, that's a big lie. +They've been giving my food to their cat. +Hey, Addison's cat eats hay? +Doesn't everybody? +Look, Ed, we'll be home tomorrow, +so you behave yourself. +Can I watch the Late Late Show tonight? +You can stay up and watch the Late Late Show, +but please don't play that TV set too loud. +Goodbye, Wilbur. +Goodbye, Ed. +Poor Wilbur. +He's been sleeping all afternoon. +He really is tired. +Well, the rest is going to do him a lot of good. +Oh, that's exactly what I told you. +That's exactly what I told him today. +Take it easy. +I said, Wilbur, +the secret to long life is relaxation. +Just don't exercise. +That can kill you. +Where's Jerry? +Has he found the man who chopped down that tree? +Butterfingers. +Not yet, but when he called before, he was furious. +Boy, I'd hate to be the man who did it. +Yeah, me too. +Jerry said that Mr. Thompson, +he owns the property. +He's fit to be tied. +When he catches that criminal, +he's going to prosecute to the fullest extent. +Uh, how full can that be? +A thousand dollars fine and a year in jail. +It's pretty full. +Oh, hello, Milo. +Bill, Bill. +I just heard about what happened yesterday. +Only a lunatic would have cut that tree down. +Now, just a minute, Milo. +What makes you think I had anything to do with it? +Because yesterday you said you would, +and today the tree is down. +So, unless I walk in my sleep, you did it. +Milo, we live in a democracy +where every man is innocent until proven guilty. +And you're looking at the most innocent man +that ever cut down a tree. +Bill, I am ashamed of you. +Oh, stop looking at me like you were Joyce Kilmer. +What has she got to do with it? +When they catch you, they are going to throw you in jail. +And... +There comes Mr. Thompson. +Look, you've got a guilty look about you. +You're liable to give me away. +Go on, scat. Get yourself some coffee. Go ahead. +Well, hello, Mr. Thompson. +Beautiful day, huh? +Is it? +Ranger Moffat back yet? He's going to meet me here. +Well, Jerry should be back soon. +Why don't you pull up a chair on the porch +and make yourself comfortable, Mr. Thompson? +Come on. There we are. +Sit right down there. That's it. +Too bad about that tree yesterday. +Ain't the sort of thing that anybody around here would ever do. +No, sir. We're all tree lovers around here, you know. +As a matter of fact, the sight of a man with an axe +sets my blood to... +Would you like a cup of coffee, Mr. Thompson? +No. +I wish Moffat would get here. +I'm anxious to find out what he learned from that witness. +Well, he's probably... witness? +That's right. +Some woman staying at Snowflake Inn +claimed that she was hiking through the forest +and she saw these two men. +She did? +What's more, she says she can positively identify one of them. +Which one? The young one or the old one? +What's that? +I mean... well, these kind of crooks always work in pairs. +A young one and an old one. +It's a... the young one sort of learns the tricks of the trade +from the old one. It's a... +Learn what you learn. +Well, anyway, she said he was a young-looking man +with sandy-colored hair and a bright Hawaiian shirt. +I've never seen anybody like that around here. +Oh, no. No, I... +Well, now that you mention it, there was a coconut salesman +passed through here on his way to Honolulu. +Coconut salesman? +Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Thompson. +Oh, never mind that. +What did you find out from the woman? +Oh, we're in luck, Mr. Thompson. +She took a picture of the guys running away. +I rushed the film right over to Debbie's candle shop. +She's gonna phone me the minute it's developed. +Fine. +Mr. Thompson, Cherry, +I got something to tell you. +We better go inside. +Well, why? +Well, I got a feeling I'm gonna have to get used to being inside +for about a year. +Wilbur! +Wilbur? +Wilbur. +Wilbur, we're cooked. +What's going on, Bill? +Wilbur and me, we got a confession to make. +We cut down the old pine. +You did? +Yeah. +Don't believe him. He's delirious. +He must have been hit on the head when the tree fell. +It's no use, Wilbur. +I always believe in telling the truth. +Once you get caught, +someone's gonna snap the picture of us. +Mommy, Mommy, Uncle Bill's in trouble again. +Well, Moffat, what are you waiting for? Arrest them. +Hello. +Yes, Mr. Devery. +You did? +That picture will be all the proof I need. +Well, okay. Thanks. +I'm afraid you don't have any proof, Mr. Thompson. +The film was underexposed. +You mean it didn't come out? +Nope. +Well, we don't need that picture anyway. +We still have his confession. +You mean to say you believe that cock and bull story I told before? +Ha ha! +Ha ha! +Ha ha! +Ha ha! +Wilbur, we sure had him going for a while, didn't we? +I could hardly keep a straight face. +Ha ha! +You old son of a gun, you! +Wait a minute. +What's that? +A lion shirt. +Just like that woman said. +What have you got to say about that? +Aloha? +What's Cindy talking about? +What's the trouble? +It seems... +Come on, Moffat, let's not waste any more time. +Place those men under arrest and I'll prefer charges. +Here, phone the sheriff. +Jerry, don't you dare. +Now, just a minute. +I'll admit that I'm guilty, but Wilbur had nothing to do with it. +He just came up here for arrest. +Well, if I have my way, he's gonna have a nice long one. +Mr. Thompson... +Cutting down your tree was wrong, +but the motive behind it was right. +How do you figure that? +Well, you see, Bill was gonna use that lumber to build benches and chairs for the summer camp. +Forty kids will be coming up here, Mr. Thompson. +Youngsters who never had a chance in life. +This camp is one of the nicest things that could ever happen to them. +All Bill wants to do is make that possible. +That's the truth! +I know trees are expensive, but suppose we personally pay for it. +I can let you have $100. +And we're willing to chip in. +I got $87 laying in the bank as you're collecting dust. +You can take my piggy bank. +You can take my piggy bank. +If you needed lumber, why didn't you ask me for it? +Because everybody knows you're a greedy old skinflint. +I wish you'd put that to him a different way. +Well, it's true. He's never contributed one skinny dime to the camp. +I didn't even know about it. +If somebody had bothered to tell me, I might have considered making a donation. +Well, you've still got time, Mr. Thompson, and it's deductible. +Well, all right. You can have the tree. +Now who's a greedy old skinflint? +Mr. Thompson, I take back every nasty thing I ever said about you in the past. +And that includes anything I might say in the future. +You're all right, Mr. Thompson. +I had you pegged for a good jolt the minute I laid eyes on you. +Take your coconut-picking hands off me. +Mr. Parker. Yes, sir? +Don't let me ever catch you touching one of my trees. +No, no, sir. No, sir. +Well, Uncle Bill, I hope this has taught you a lesson. +Oh, it certainly has, Annie. +You don't ever have to worry about me again. +By golly, I think he means it. +I sure do. +Wilbur, what do you say? Let's you and me go fishing tomorrow, huh? +Okay, where? +I know a great spot over on Thompson's property. +Ed, I'm home! +Ed! +Beg your pardon, stranger. +Oh, Ed. Oh, I really missed you, old boy. +Yeah, then why didn't you write? +Telegram? Postcard? +Well, to tell you the truth, Ed, I got sort of involved. +A phone call, then. +It was a long distance. +Oh, what? I would have been glad to accept the charges. +People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day. +But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. +And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse. +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this. +I am Mr. Ed. +© BF-WATCH TV 2021 diff --git a/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E26 Wilbur Sells Ed.autogenerated.txt b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E26 Wilbur Sells Ed.autogenerated.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d73731f --- /dev/null +++ b/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E26 Wilbur Sells Ed.autogenerated.txt @@ -0,0 +1,429 @@ +Hello, I'm Mr. Red. +A horse is a horse, of course, of course. +And no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course, +Unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red. +Go right to the source and ask the horse. +He'll give you the answer that you endorse. +He's always on a steady course. +Talk to Mr. Red. +Hi, Ed. Ready for a walk in the park? +What's the matter? Little orphan Annie in trouble again? +No. +Daddy Warbuck's in the hospital? +No. +Little dog got lost, huh? +No. +Ed, what are you crying about? +I ate some bad hay and I got a tummy ache. +Cut it out, you faker. +You just don't want to go out today. +No. +Come on, Ed. We're going to go for a little ride. +Well, all right. +Who am I riding? +I never saw a horse like you. +You've got four legs? +How about using them once in a while? +Look who's talking. +Drives around in a car all day. +I'll get it. +No, don't try to make up. +Hello? +Oh, hi, Rog. +Oh, hi, Rog. +Wilbert, will you be in your office for a while? +Good. I'll be right over. +There. What would you do without Mommy to help you? +I don't know. +Mommy. +Huh? +I hate to be a perfectionist, my dear, +but shouldn't the right boot be on the right foot? +Mommy will fix it. +I don't care what you say. +Ed. +We are going for a ride in the park. +But my trick knee is acting up again. +An old football injury. +Football injury? +Yeah. I was watching a game of baseball. +Football injury. +Yeah. I was watching a game on TV once and the set fell on my foot. +Ed, you're just lazy. +Yeah. The last time we went to the park, +you stood still so long the pigeons sat on your back. +Because they love me. +You look like a statue. +Hi, Wilbert. +Hello, Rog. +I'm going riding in the park. How about joining me? +As a matter of fact, I was just getting ready to... +Unsaddle Ed. +He's got a sore leg. +Oh, then you can rent one at the stable. +I'm going riding with Fred Gilbert. I'd like to have you meet him. +We've got a big real estate deal cooking and I think I can work you in. +Wow. That's wonderful. +Fred Gilbert. +Name sounds familiar. +Familiar. He's one of the richest men around. +Has his own nine-hole golf course. +A lot of men have that. +Inside the house. +He used to picture right on the society page. +Fred Gilbert, well-known real estate tycoon +with his beautiful black mare, Princess Helen. +Wow, what a horse. +That's the most beautiful mare I've ever seen. +Now, what is this deal you've got cooking with Gilbert? +It's a big, and I mean big, real estate development in Arizona. +The architect's fee should be considerable. +And you think you can get me the job? +Well, that depends. +Now, if Gilbert likes you, you're in. +That's why I want you to go riding with us. +Well, if that important, I can rent a horse. +On the other hand, maybe I will take Ed with me. +The exercise might help his knee. +Fine. I'll meet you on site in about five minutes. +Right. +Come on, Wilbur, let's go. +What made you change your mind? +Oh, that Princess Helen is really built. +Oh, you've got an eye for the ladies, huh? +What a figure. +68, 47, 68. +Make me look pretty, Wilbur. +Okay, Ed. +I'll, uh, I'll put a curl on your tail. +It's an excellent location for the type of building we have in mind. +Now, let me suggest that when we first... +Gentlemen, there you are, three hamburgers. +Just help yourself to ketchup and the hot mustard over there. +That'll be a dollar and a half. +I've got it. +No, let me. +Boys, I insist. +No, I've got it right here. +Good. +Fred. +Thank you. +Roger. +There you are. +Thanks. +Sit right over there. +Fine. +Now, as I was saying, +Boast, Roger tells me you're quite an architect. +Oh, I try to do my best. +Don't be modest, my boy. +Fred, this young fellow has designed some of the finest buildings in this town. +Right, Wilbur? +I don't like to boast. +Well, he did the Adamus Museum of Art. +He's a fine architect. +I'm sure he'll do a good job. +I don't like to boast. +Well, he did the Adamus Building, +the Kingsley Building, +and that 14-story Woodbury Building. +Fifteen. +Oh, that's another story. +Well, you've got a lot of money in this venture. +You strike me as a man who knows what he's doing. +Why don't you drop by my house? +I'm here. +I've got some ideas. +You'd better be getting back to the horses. +Come on. +Beat it, Mac. +Hi, Princess. +My name's Ed. +Saw your picture in the paper. +It doesn't do you justice. +You're gorgeous. +Where did you get those big brown eyes, honey? +Oh, sorry. +I forgot, baby. +You don't understand this lingo. +I'll put it to you this way. +Who's a masher? +Let's face it. +I'm in love. +Yes, this is Fred Gilbert. +Yes, what can I do for you? +Mr. Gilbert, I saw Princess's picture in the paper. +Yes, what can I do for you? +I saw Princess Helen in the park the other day. +So? +She's got the cutest legs in town. +I beg your pardon? +Would you put the phone near her? +I want to hear her neigh. +Is this some practical joker? +Believe me, Mr. Gilbert, my intentions are strictly honorable. +So you want to marry my horse? +Why not? +My father married one. +Are you sure the vet said there's nothing wrong with Ed? +He couldn't find anything. +Something must be bothering him. +He hasn't eaten since yesterday morning. +Here, I'll try to tempt him with these apples. +Here you are, Mr. Ed. Nice crisp apples. +Come on, Ed, you need your vitamins. You're a growing horse. +Look at his eyes. He looks dopey. +I'm kind of worried. +Poor Mr. Ed. He's been just moping around. +He's not eating, not sleeping. He's losing weight. +You know, honey, you were that way when you were courting me. +That's not true. +I never turned down an apple in my life. +All right, take a bite. It's delicious. +Well, I hope he's feeling better soon. +I'll start lunch. +You better get started on those sketches for Mr. Gilbert. +Yeah, okay, honey. +What's the matter, Ed? +Were you ever in love? +Oh, so that's it. You're in love. +Wow. Who's the lucky horse? +Princess Helen. +Oh, I'd sure like to make her my bride. +You're not serious? +Yep. I want a horse just like the horse that married dear old dad. +I wish I could help you, but what can I do? +Well, go to Mr. Gilbert and ask for his horse's hoof in marriage. +Oh, sure, sure. I can just see myself saying, +Mr. Gilbert, my horse is in love with your horse. +True, I know he's not working now, but I figure if you and I chip in a couple of bales of hay each week, +why, we can get those kids off to a good start. +And then they put me away. +Please take me along when you go to see Gilbert. +I can't. We're going to talk business. +But I gotta see my girl. I gotta. I just gotta. +Okay, okay, okay. We'll ride over there after lunch. +Oh, bless you, Wilbur. +Will you eat something? +Well, I'll force myself. +Hi, Princess Helen. I brought you a little gift. +While the men are out talking business, honey, how about a little smooch? +I drove downtown yesterday and looked at that 14-story building you designed. +15. But that's another story. +I told you to get a little smooch. +But that's another story. +I told you that joke yesterday. +Yeah, I know. I like it so much, I use it all the time now. +Oh, really? Well, thanks. +Helen, I love you. +I know you're thoroughbred and I'm from the wrong side of the tracks. +Gee. +I wish you'd stop eating when I'm proposing. +I forgot you don't talk. +Listen, honey. +What do you mean I'm a tram? +Come on, baby. I'll teach you to talk. +Repeat after me. +I love you, Eddie. +Come on. It's easy, baby. +I love you. +And the subterranean parking lot will hold 200 cars. +Oh! +Oh, come on, baby. It was just a little kiss. +What happened, princess? +What's wrong? Why aren't you in your stall? +I wish you hadn't brought your horse over here. He's evidently upsetter. +Meathead. +What did you say? +I didn't say anything. +I suppose your horse called me Meathead. +Well, no, but... +Why don't we go inside the house and discuss the sketches, Fred? +I don't care to talk about it now, Post. +Please take your horse and leave. +Come on, Ed. +Wilbur, why did you call him a Meathead? +Roger, I owe you an explanation. +You see, my horse has fallen in love with Gilbert's horse. +It was love at first sight. I didn't want to take him over there, +but the poor thing, he wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping. +What could I do? He wants to marry Princess Helen. +You don't believe me, do you? +No. What worries me is that you believe you. +It's the truth. I mean, if you knew somebody who was just sick with love, +wouldn't you try to help him? +Wilbur, what happens to you when you get near that horse? +You see, I'm not a horse. +When you get near that horse, you seem to lose what little intelligence you ever had. +Take my advice. Sell that plug. +For once, old Addison was right. +I'm wrecking your whole life. Sell me. +Sell you? Ed, we're inseparable. +I'm willing to make the sacrifice. Sell me to Gilbert. +Oh, so you can be near Princess Helen, huh? +You said it. +Gilbert wouldn't buy you. +Then give me to him as a gift. +I must go where my heart is. +Oh, boy. Cupid really got you with that arrow, didn't he? +Arrow? The son of a gun used a harpoon. +You get over it. Look, I'm not going to sell you, and I'm not going to give you away. +Well, if you don't, I'll go on a hunger strike. +A hunger strike? +Yeah. +Well, I guess I have no choice. +Please, Wilbur. Please call him on the phone. +Okay, Ed. If you want it that way. +Oh, Ed, I'm sorry. I just can't do it. +Okay, then I'll dial. +Oh, this is a nice gesture, Wilbur, but you don't have to give me your horse. +I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. +But I want you to have Ed. +You see, we don't have much room around our place, and... +well, I know how you love horses. +Well, if that's the case, fine. +I'm going to go and get my horse. +I'll be back. +I love horses. +Well, if that's the case, fine. +My phone. I'll be right back. +Ed, this is it. +Well, you won't forget to write. +I'll phone you every night. +We'll probably run into each other in the park on Sundays. +Sure, good boy. +Bye, Ed. +This isn't goodbye, old friend. It's auf Wiedersehen. +Ed. +Don't move. +Let me remember you just like that. +All right, Phil. Yes, that's it. It's all settled. +No, it isn't the money. She just doesn't seem to be happy here. +Well, when does the ship sail, Phil? +Fine. Well, I'll bring Princess Helen down to the dock myself. +Oh, she ought to be in South America about next Friday. +You're sure you've got a good groom. I wouldn't want anything to happen to her during the trip. +I'll be right back. +Wilbur, how about your sandwich? +Wilbur, the sandwich. +Oh, sorry, honey. +Oh, honey, you didn't have to give Mr. Ed away just to protect that deal. +Money isn't that important to me. +Oh, that's life, I guess. +I guess I'll have to get back to work. +Oh, that's life, I guess. +You raise a kid, you feed him, you worry about him, you take care of him when he gets sick, +and then the first pretty face that comes along, he runs off and gets married. +Wilbur, are you all right? +I mean, maybe you need something to eat. +No, it's all right, honey, I'll grab some hay later. +What's wrong with him? He looks like he lost his best friend. +He has. He never should have given Ed to Mr. Gilbert. +Ah, but think of all the money your husband is going to make as a result of that wonderful gesture. +Oh, Roger, money isn't everything. +Woman, bite your tongue, you're hysterical. +I miss you, Ed. +I miss you, too. +How could I let you go? +I'll never forgive myself. +It wasn't your fault, buddy boy. +Ah, yes, it was. And stop interrupting. +We're together, so... +You really miss me, huh? +I told you, didn't I? +Ed, you're home, you're back. +Helen and I are no longer an item. +What happened? +Gilbert sold her to some guy in South America, so I took a powder. +You mean Mr. Gilbert doesn't know you're here? +I guess I lost you that deal again. +Oh, that doesn't matter, Ed. I'd rather have you. +That goes for me, too. +Gilbert. +Yeah? +We're just a pair of sentimental old slobs. +Get my nose. +What are you going to tell old Vinegar Poulos Addison? +Oh, who cares about him? +If he dares to open his mouth, I'll... +Hello, Wilbur. +That's Roger now. I'd better go out and soften him up. +You tell him, killer. +Wilbur, can we step into your office? There's something I'd like to discuss with you. +Yeah, well, why don't we go inside the house? There's more room. +No, no, no, no. Carol is a little disturbed with me. +Oh, well, let's go to your house. +No, my wife's a little disturbed with you. We'd better leave the office. +Yeah, but, but, Roger... +There's something I want to discuss with you. +Wilbur, in spite of the way Carol feels, I think you did enough... +What is that horse doing here? +What horse? +Mr. Ed. How did he get here? +Well, Ed and the princes are... +They are no longer an item. +His girlfriend left suddenly for South America. +Really? Why am I talking to you when you're near that horse? +Come outside where you're a little more normal. +Now that maybe we can talk... +Wilbur! +Mr. Gilbert wants to see you. +I've got some bad news for you. Your horse ran away. +I was talking on the phone when suddenly he bolted and took off. I have no idea... +Wilbur! +Well, he, uh, he came back by himself. +He's still your horse, Fred. +No. No. I don't like to be an Indian giver, Fred, but I, I'd like my horse back. +If this means I lose the deal, oh well, okay. +And I feel the same way. +Don't listen to him, Fred. When he gets near this barn, he, he, he, he, he's a screwball. +Please, Roger. +Now, now, just relax, Roger. +Any man who cares enough about his horse to jeopardize a big deal is my kind of man. +You mean we're still in business? +You bet. Beautiful the way this boy feels about that horse. +He's a man's best friend. Next to his wife. +Why don't we all go in and have some coffee? +Oh, thank you. You know, your husband is quite an architect. +I just love that new building, that 14-story building he designed downtown. +Fifteen. +Well, I guess that's another story. +Very funny. +How about that coffee? +Coffee, yeah, coffee, Roger. +Ah, 68, 47, 68. +That's a lot of horse to lose. +Ed, what's the matter? +I'm in love. +Oh, no. +Ed, you've just got to forget about Princess Helen. +Princess Helen? Who's she? +Don't tell me you've fallen in love again since yesterday. +This magazine just came today. +Flash Away. She's a pretty horse. +Yeah, she makes Princess Helen look like a boy. +Let's not start again. +How about arranging a date for me, huh? +Sorry. Love is not for horses. +It's for the birds. +Got a date a little later +When the moon is on the trail +With the cutest triple gator +My pretty little filly with a pony tail +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And no one can talk to a horse, of course +That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A +Go right to the source and ask the horse +He'll give you the answer that you endorse +He's always on a steady course +Talk to Mr. A +Keep your yakety yak to speak +And waste your time a day +But Mr. A will never speak +Unless he has something to say +A horse is a horse, of course, of course +And this one will talk to his voice, his horse +You never heard of a talking horse? +Well, listen to this +I am Mr. A +This has been a Filmways television presentation. diff --git a/tv.sh b/tv.sh new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8687949 --- /dev/null +++ b/tv.sh @@ -0,0 +1,125 @@ +#!/bin/bash + +BASE_DIR="$(pwd)" + +# ------------------------------ +# Function: list channels +# ------------------------------ +list_channels() { + CHANNELS=() + i=1 + for dir in "$BASE_DIR"/*/; do + dir_name=$(basename "$dir") + CHANNELS+=("$dir_name") + echo " $i) $dir_name" + ((i++)) + done +} + +# ------------------------------ +# Function: choose channel by index +# ------------------------------ +choose_channel() { + list_channels + echo -n "Select channel number: " + read INDEX + CHANNEL="${CHANNELS[$((INDEX-1))]}" + if [ -z "$CHANNEL" ]; then + echo "Invalid selection." + return 1 + fi + return 0 +} + +# ------------------------------ +# Function: play a channel +# ------------------------------ +play_channel() { + if choose_channel; then + CHANNEL_DIR="$BASE_DIR/$CHANNEL" + SCRIPT="$CHANNEL_DIR/${CHANNEL,,}.sh" # assuming script is lowercase like animes.sh + if [ -f "$SCRIPT" ]; then + bash "$SCRIPT" + else + echo "No script found for this channel ($SCRIPT)" + fi + fi +} + +# ------------------------------ +# Function: reset tracking +# ------------------------------ +reset_tracking() { + if choose_channel; then + STATE_FILE="$BASE_DIR/$CHANNEL/state.txt" + if [ -f "$STATE_FILE" ]; then + echo 0 > "$STATE_FILE" + echo "Progress for '$CHANNEL' reset." + else + echo "No progress file found for '$CHANNEL'." + fi + fi +} + +# ------------------------------ +# Function: schedule shows +# ------------------------------ +schedule_shows() { + if choose_channel; then + CHANNEL_DIR="$BASE_DIR/$CHANNEL" + + # List shows in channel + echo "Available shows in $CHANNEL:" + SHOWS=() + i=1 + for dir in "$CHANNEL_DIR"/*/; do + show_name=$(basename "$dir") + SHOWS+=("$show_name") + echo " $i) $show_name" + ((i++)) + done + + # Select two shows + echo -n "Select first show number: " + read S1 + echo -n "Select second show number: " + read S2 + + SHOW1="${SHOWS[$((S1-1))]}" + SHOW2="${SHOWS[$((S2-1))]}" + + # Enter times + echo "Enter start and end time for $SHOW1 (format HH:MM AM/PM-HH:MM AM/PM):" + read TIME1 + echo "Enter start and end time for $SHOW2 (format HH:MM AM/PM-HH:MM AM/PM):" + read TIME2 + + SCHED_FILE="$CHANNEL_DIR/schedule.txt" + echo "$TIME1:'$SHOW1'" > "$SCHED_FILE" + echo "$TIME2:'$SHOW2'" >> "$SCHED_FILE" + echo "Schedule saved for channel $CHANNEL." + fi +} + +# ------------------------------ +# Main menu +# ------------------------------ +while true; do + echo "" + echo "===== TV Control Menu =====" + echo "1) Play channel" + echo "2) Reset progress" + echo "3) Schedule shows" + echo "4) Exit" + echo -n "Select an option: " + read OPTION + + case $OPTION in + 1) play_channel ;; + 2) reset_tracking ;; + 3) schedule_shows ;; + 4) exit 0 ;; + *) echo "Invalid option, try again." ;; + esac +done +