tv_channel_simulator/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E14 Ed the Songwriter.autogenerated.txt

Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
Stay there, Wilbur, I'll get it.
Hello.
This is Paul Fenton.
Just a minute.
Thank you very much.
Mr. Fenton.
Oh, thanks, Ed.
I ought to teach you shorthand.
I'd look silly sitting on your lap.
Okay.
Hello, this is Mr. Post.
I'm Paul Fenton.
I'm looking for an architect to design my new house, and my sister-in-law, Kay Addison,
recommended you.
Kay?
Well, that's very nice of her.
Ed, quiet, this is important.
When can we get together, Mr. Fenton?
Can you meet me in my office tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock?
The address is 1040 North Sunset Boulevard.
I got it.
Yeah, I'll see you in the morning.
Thank you.
Well, that was nice of Kay, wasn't it, huh?
Buddy boy.
Yeah?
How about some oats for your secretary?
How about some more?
I'm a growing horse.
Keep pouring.
Okay, I want to thank you for the recommendation.
Your brother-in-law called me about his new house.
Oh, you'll love Paul, he's a doll.
Kay, is this the brother-in-law who owns that music publishing company?
Yes, it's a very popular company.
I have a father who owns it.
I'm the father of such immortal garbage as,
I call my mother father cause I never had a dad.
Oh, and that other masterpiece of his,
I'm all dressed up with a hole in my heart.
Well, that sold over 200,000 copies.
What fool would buy a thing like that?
Wilbur bought a copy for me.
Well, I got it free with a pound of prunes.
When are you seeing Paul?
At 10 o'clock tomorrow morning.
Should either of you gentlemen tell me if Mr. Fenton is in?
Oh, he's in, man.
But he's gone.
I mean, way out, man.
You dig?
Are you Post?
No, you must be Post.
Come on in.
Say, Mr. Fenton, we've been on ice here for a week.
Take five, boys.
Come in my office, Mr. Post.
Kay's been saying some wonderful things about you.
Musicians, musicians, millions of musicians,
but so few good songs, right?
Well, I'd take a look at this, my biggest smash.
I'm all dressed up with a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
I've got a hole in my heart,
you taking up another instrument?
♪
♪
I happen to be Scottish
and I'm very proud of the bagpipes.
Honey, you're so puffed up.
Maybe you'd better rest your face a while.
You don't like the bagpipes, do you?
Well...
it sounds like a cat yelling for help.
I'll overlook that.
Honey, Paul Fenton asked me to try to remember this tune,
and sometimes when you play an instrument,
a forgotten melody comes back.
I hate to say it, but I think you're scaring it away
with that noise.
-♪
I'll get it.
Oh, hello, Paul.
Hi, Wilbur. I was just passing by when I...
Oh, vacuuming the house?
No, no, I'm trying to remember
the rest of that little tune for you.
Come on in. Oh, thanks very much.
Carol, this is Paul Fenton. It's my wife, Carol.
Hello, Mr. Fenton. My pleasure, Mrs. Post.
I just happened to be in the neighborhood,
well, not exactly in the neighborhood,
about eight or ten miles away, and I, uh,
I thought I'd drop in.
Wilbur, I hope you remember the rest of that tune.
It's been driving me mad.
Well, I'm trying to recapture it with my bagpipes.
Is he gonna play it or milk it?
I'm not sure myself.
-♪
We thought your horse was in pain.
Oh, no.
Hi there, Sister-in-law, you great big, gorgeous,
beautiful thing you...
How I esphynx.
Hello, Paul.
Come, Kay, we were just leaving.
No, no, no, stick around.
Be right back, Paul.
I want to get that preliminary sketch for you.
Kay?
Maybe you can help us remember a certain tune.
What tune?
Well, that's the trouble, we don't know.
Yeah, Wilbur hummed a piece in my office this morning
that has all the makings of a great big hit.
Just what the country needs,
another record monstrosity.
Please, Roger, don't try to tell me how to pick songs.
I very rarely miss.
Yeah?
How about the time you turned down Easter Parade?
It's my fault.
I figured that song could be good for only one day
and I didn't even think about it.
I figured that song could be good for only one day a year.
What about White Christmas?
I gave that one a week.
And don't mention September Song or I may kill myself.
September Song.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,
do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,
do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Shit.
Where did you hear that?
Hear what?
That tune, the one you were just humming.
Oh, that.
Just a little something I composed once.
You wrote a song?
It wasn't hoagie.
This is great.
I've been trying to remember that tune all day.
How does it go?
Give me an A, Wilbur.
An A, Wilbur.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
There must be a middle and an ending to this tune.
Let's try it again.
Sound like three wounded bumblebees.
Kay, can you give me one good reason why you married him?
I needed new shoes.
That's good enough.
Yeah, let's try it again.
I got it.
I got it.
I remember the whole tune.
Well, let's hear it, Wilbur.
Let's hear it.
Something I made up a long time ago.
Wilbur.
You made up a song?
It wasn't hoagie.
It's a mystery on my bagpipes.
You'll excuse me.
It's getting late.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Wilbur, couldn't you just hum it?
I'll let you build me a bigger house.
Good, let's hear it.
Paul, don't be so impatient.
I'm trying to write the words to this tune.
I'm working on it now.
Oh, well, just a minute.
He's here.
I'll ask him.
Paul wants to know if you want to invest some money in his company.
He figures this song of mine's gonna be a hit and he wants...
I don't think he's interested.
No.
Well, look, I'll call you back as soon as I finish the lyrics.
Okay.
Oh, Paul.
Say, how do you like the plans for the house?
Thanks.
We're seeing ya.
Moon, juice, boom, gloom, solo, spit tune.
Please, I'm trying to write the lyrics for our tune.
Our? When did I make you a partner?
I didn't know it was so tough to write lyrics.
Why don't you use mine?
Please, Ed, I'm trying...
You wrote words for your tune?
Well, if Gershwin could, why can't I?
Let's hear them. What's the title?
Pretty Little Filly.
Pretty Little Filly? That's cute.
She thought so, too.
She?
Yeah, the little filly I was running around with at the time.
Okay, Ed, let's hear the words.
Well, sound your A.
Okay.
Close enough.
I love it, Wilbur. I love the title, Pretty Little Filly.
It's great for the teenagers.
Now, let me hear the lyrics.
The lyrics?
Sure, Paul. He wants me to sing the lyrics.
Well, you ruined my song.
Better let me sing it.
Hello, Paul.
Look, there's a friend of mine here. He's gonna sing it.
He's got a much better voice than I have.
Are you listening?
Good.
Got to date a little later
When the moon is on the trail
With the cutest triple gator
My pretty little filly with a ponytail
It's beautiful.
Just beautiful. It can't miss.
It's got to be a hit, Wilbur. It's got to be a hit.
Paul seems like such a nice fellow. Why doesn't Roger like him?
I don't think Addison's ever forgiven him for what he did at our wedding.
Oh? What was that?
Paul is very emotional.
And when the minister pronounced his man and wife,
he rushed up and kissed me before Addison.
But I think that's terribly funny.
You do?
Yes.
What's so funny, Carol?
Kenny was just telling me something funny that happened to her at the beauty parlor.
Good news! Good news!
I just gave Paul my lyrics and he says
that Pretty Little Filly is gonna be his first big hit of the season.
That big lyric?
First big hit of the season.
That big loud mouth couldn't be first at anything.
He was at your wedding.
Paul told me what happened at the ceremony.
I hate a man who kisses and tells.
Hello?
Oh, yes, Paul.
What?
A 40-piece orchestra?
That's right. I'm setting up a recording date.
Oh, and tell your friend to keep himself available.
What friend?
The fellow with the deep voice. I want him to sing the song.
But does it have to be him?
Of course it has to be him!
He has just the right sound.
You don't understand, Wilbur.
He's the one who's going to make us rich.
Doesn't that make you happy?
Wilbur, say something.
No.
Ed, stop saying no.
No.
Stop it.
Fenton wants the same voice he heard on the phone to make the record.
Did you tell him I'm a horse?
Not yet.
Well, let's keep it that way, buddy boy.
But Ed!
You know I only talk in front of you.
I'm not asking you to talk. I'm asking you to sing.
You're quibbling.
I don't want to pressure you, Ed.
But if you don't make this record,
Fenton is liable to cancel a deal to build his house.
Hi, fellas. Is Mr. Fenton in?
Gee, man, I don't know.
We've only been here a month.
Wilbur, come on in.
Thank you.
Won't be long, boys.
Now, now, now. Sit down, Wilbur.
Make yourself comfortable.
What's it going to be, Wilbur?
Something to eat, drink?
I know, champagne. I'll order the works.
My friend can't sing the song.
Operator, get...
Can't sing the song?
We'll have to get somebody else.
Wilbur, I don't want anybody else.
I want the fellow with the deep voice.
He's got a quality that just fits me.
That just fits, pretty little filly.
Well, I'm sorry, but he isn't available.
Ah, he's out of town.
No, he's in my barn.
In that case, we get nothing.
He's in your barn?
Paul, my horse wrote the song.
Your horse wrote...
Ha! Ha!
What a sense of humor!
For a minute, you had me fooled.
Your horse wrote the song.
Ha, ha, ha, what a gig!
Wait till I tell the boys down at the club about this.
That's the funniest thing I've...
Wilbur, you're not laughing.
My horse really did write the song.
Wilbur, I'll get you a cold towel.
Look, he would tell you himself,
only he won't talk to anybody but me.
He won't... the horse.
He wrote the song?
Yeah.
He wrote the lyrics, too?
He just sat down at the piano and knocked off the tune?
A horse can't play the piano.
Of course not, his hooves are too big to get on the keys.
He has a harmonica.
Wilbur, let's face it.
You don't want me to have the song.
You want to sell it to a bigger company.
That is not true.
Aha! I know what it is, it's that Addison.
He's the one who's responsible for this whole thing.
Instead of kissing her at the wedding,
I should have shot him.
Paul, about the house...
maybe you'd like to get another architect.
Please, please.
How can I think about that now?
I still don't know why you won't tell us who your singer is.
What's the difference? He won't sing.
It's a shame.
I just talked to my sister,
and she says that Paul is just heartbroken.
Shake hands with your new partner.
Partner?
That song of yours kept running through my mind,
and I said to myself, this is going to be a hit.
I walked into Paul's office and said,
now Paul, forget about my personal feeling towards you,
this is business.
This song of Wilbur's can't miss,
and I want to get in on the process.
Well, he just looked at me, didn't say a word.
Just pocketed my check,
and why are you all staring at me?
Come, doll, I'll make you some cocoa and put you to bed.
But I don't want to go to bed.
You will after you hear the news.
Well, we just lost a neighbor.
Oh, no, honey, don't say that.
Why, Roger is a very intelligent man,
and when Kay explains to him what happened...
Oh, no!
Oh!
What were you saying?
We just lost a neighbor.
All right, getting late.
We better turn in.
Oh, honey, look.
All that fencing. He just won't give up.
Wilbur.
Paul, you're a good man.
You're a good man.
Paul, it's useless.
Wilbur, please talk to your friend.
Beg him to sing Pretty Little Filly for us.
It's a bright song, a happy song,
and the country could use a little cheering up now.
Don't ask me, ask him.
All right.
Still sticking to the same old story.
Our country needs my song, and you turn him down.
Me?
You'll benedict Arnold.
You mean you'll sing Pretty Little Filly?
On one condition.
One condition? What is it?
Now, listen.
You don't have to...
Morning, fellas.
No, no! Don't jump!
What jump? I was just fixing the Venetian blind.
Paul, I'm gonna record that song for you.
You?
Yeah. I'm the fellow with the deep voice.
That was me you heard on the phone.
Oh, come on. Now Wilbur, a joke's a joke.
Yeah, it's true.
It's just that when I sing in front of people,
I get nervous and my voice changes completely.
It's sort of like Jekyll and Hyde.
Jekyll and Hyde.
Jekyll sings high, and Hyde is the low one.
Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll get you a small recording studio.
No, no, no. No studio.
We'll record in my barn.
Barn?
The acoustics are just great.
You did say barn.
Well, where am I gonna put the orchestra?
No 40-piece orchestra. Just a small combo.
Man, we've cut records in some weird places before,
but this is the wildest.
Imagine.
Married to a man and I never even knew he could sing.
I was married to Addison for 10 years
before I found out he could wiggle his ears.
Give us a wiggle, doll.
Here he comes.
Excuse me, friends. It's showtime.
Oh, Wilbur.
Are you sure you want that horse in the same stall with you?
He's liable to make some noise.
Well, I hope he doesn't.
I don't know.
I don't know.
He's liable to make some noise.
Well, I hope so.
I mean, he's my good luck piece.
Thor horseshoes?
All right, fellas, stand by.
All right, men.
One, two.
Got to date a little later
When the moon is on the trail
With the cutest triple gator
My pretty little filly with a ponytail
Got a bag of oats to call with
Hey, I'll bring her by the bale
Want to share a double stall
With the pretty little filly with a ponytail
Gee, if she would just agree
She'd be mine today
But no matter when I ask
The answer's always nay, nay, nay, nay
If she'd name that day of wedlock
I would be there without fail
Got the ring made for her fatlock
The pretty little filly with a ponytail
Ponytail
Well, Ed, what do you think of our song?
It's a gas, sir.
Gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas
A horse is a horse, of course, of course
And no one can talk to a horse, of course
That is, of course, unless
The horse is the famous Mr. A
Go right to the source and ask the horse
He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse
He's always on a steady course
Talk to Mr. A
Heeple-yackity-yack a streak
A day, a day, a day, a day
But Mr. Ed will never speak
Unless he has something to say
A horse is a horse, of course, of course
And this one will talk to his voice, his horse
You never heard of a talking horse?
Well, listen to this
I am Mr. Ed
This has been a Filmways television presentation