tv_channel_simulator/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E25 Pine Lake Lodge.autogenerated.txt

Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
You don't have to do that.
I don't mind.
My mother always said if you don't keep a place clean, it gets to look like a stable.
Ed, I've got news for you.
Uh-uh.
Carol and I have decided to spend a few days up at Bill Parker's lodge in the mountains.
I need a change.
So do I. I'll pack a few things and meet you kids out front.
Ed, we're not leaving yet and we can't take you along anyway.
Now wait a minute, Wilbur.
You always tell me I'm one of the family, is that right?
Sure.
Then how come every time you take a trip, I suddenly become a horse again?
Stop talking like a baby.
Well.
Roger's gonna feed you and take care of you until we get back.
Big deal.
That old sourpuss hates me.
He does not.
Okay, so I hate him.
Please take me along, Wilbur.
I've never gone fishing.
Fishing?
Who ever heard of a horse fishing?
Well, if you're gonna bring that up, who ever heard of a horse talking?
Please take me along.
I'm a little tired of being cooped up in this old stable.
Where would you expect to live?
This is America, where even a horse can dream of living in the White House.
Pine Lake Lodge.
Oh, I bet the weather is beautiful there.
I'll get it, Martha.
Pine Lake Lodge, Bill Parker, proprietor speaking.
Wilbur Post.
How are you, Wilbur?
Great.
Thinking of coming up?
Fine.
The weather?
Couldn't be more beautiful.
Oh, and of course have your wife bring her bathing suit.
She'll need it.
Reservations?
Just a minute, Wilbur.
Martha, we got any empty rooms?
14 of them.
Yeah, we got four.
I mean, we can just squeeze you in.
We expect to be fine.
Just squeeze you in?
Yeah, just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
Just squeeze you in.
The weather couldn't be more beautiful.
Tell me, Mr. Parker, how do you make up things like that?
Martha, I'm a very truthful man.
And as soon as Mr. Post registers, I'll tell him the truth.
That I lied.
Oh, honey, I'm so glad I finally got you to go away for a weekend.
The rest will do you a world of good.
Come on, let's go.
Okay.
You want me to carry that with you?
Yeah.
Honey, I'd better go see if Mr. Ed's all right.
Hurry, Wilbur, or we'll get stuck in traffic.
Don't worry.
SPCA.
I want to report a neglected horse.
His owners are leaving him for the weekend in a cold, drafty stall.
Hear him coughing?
The name of the guilty party?
Well, it's...
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm calling the Bureau of Missing Horses.
Why?
The minute you go, I'm leaving this chicken outfit.
I tried to explain to you, we can't take you along.
You're taking your wife.
Well, that's different.
We're married.
You mean because I'm single, I'm staying home?
Hey, cheer up.
I told you the Addisons are going to look after you.
Now, you just read your books.
See you Monday.
Oh, uh, Wilbur.
Huh?
Drive carefully.
You're all I have.
Washy.
Oh, Martha.
Wilbur's gone.
Oh, Martha, Wilbur and Carol Post are checking in today.
Did you change the linen in room 12?
What for?
Nobody's used it for three years.
Hey, what's this about a town meeting here this morning?
Well, Ida Brenner's trying to raise some more money for the children's camp.
You better keep your Uncle Bill away.
He's probably still paying off the pledges from last year.
You're so right.
But don't worry.
I sent him off fishing an hour ago.
And by the time he gets back...
He is back.
Uncle Bill, you said you were going fishing.
That's right.
After the meeting.
But Uncle Bill...
Now, Annie, you haven't got a thing to worry about.
I won't open my mouth.
I'll just sit there quietly in the front row.
And why can't you just sit there quietly in the back row?
Because nobody can hear me from there.
Thank you.
Thank you for your contribution, Mr. Finnelly.
Well, some of you have donated very generously to our Pine Lake summer camp.
But we still need $350 if those children are going to have their tables and benches.
Now, won't somebody volunteer to donate just a small part of the money?
Please, friends.
How about someone who hasn't contributed yet?
How about starting it off with $25?
Will somebody please raise his hand?
Oh, come, neighbors.
Remember, this is a very worthy cause.
How about $15?
Please, friends, we have to have $350 for the tables and benches.
Oh, won't somebody help raise the fund?
I can't raise my hands, but I'll raise the money.
All of it.
Oh.
I knew we could depend on you, Bill Parker.
Yeah, I'll get all the furniture those children need.
You can depend on me, Ida.
Well, if you say so, Bill, that's good enough for me.
Meetings adjourned.
Well, you did it again, Big Daddy.
Now, look, Annie, I've got everything all figured out.
I'll do the work, and Dave Miller will donate the lumber.
It won't cost a cent.
And just what makes you so sure he'll donate the lumber?
Because I know Dave Miller, that man's got a heart of gold.
When he hears about those poor kids, he'll turn over his whole lumberyard to me.
Hello, Elsie, get me Dave Miller at the lumberyard.
You better fix up the room for the posts.
They'll be here at 3 o'clock.
Yes, Chief.
I'll be there.
That lumber's as good as in my workshop.
Hello, Dave.
Bill Parker.
Yeah, I'm fine, Dave.
Say, Dave, look, I just volunteered to build some furniture for the summer camp, and I
thought maybe you'd like to contribute it.
A few hundred bored feet of pine.
But Dave, it's for those poor kids.
Look, Dave, you were a kid once yourself.
The stingiest kid in town, and you haven't changed a bit.
Go.
Let's see.
40 kids.
That's about 1,200 feet of lumber.
50 cents a foot, that's $600.
Where am I going to get $600?
Hello, Bill.
Oh, hello, Milo.
Beautiful day, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, it sure is money.
I mean, Milo.
Here, sit down.
Let me dust off a plate for you.
Sit right down there.
Thank you, Bill.
Have any luck catch anything?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Like this.
Oh, by heaven, that's a beauty.
It's all yours.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, I insist, Milo.
I couldn't.
Milo, it's yours.
Thank you.
This is very generous of you, Bill.
Oh, generous.
Look who's calling me generous.
Milo, I'd say that you were about the most generous man in these parts.
Oh, no, you don't.
I heard all about you offering to give that summer camp all the benches and chairs.
You open your mouth, and now you're trying to put my foot in it.
Forget it.
You're right.
It's my problem, not yours.
Yeah.
I'll figure out a way to get that wood.
Don't worry.
I'll...
Milo.
Huh?
You know there's enough wood in one of those trees to furnish three summer camps?
Yeah, but you don't think that old skin-flin Thompson is gonna give it to you, do you?
Fat chance of that.
He...
But, Milo.
Huh?
Suppose by...
By some act of nature, one of those trees suddenly fell over.
And, uh, would that act of nature maybe be one man with a saw?
No.
Two men with a saw.
No, no, no.
One man with a saw.
Goodbye.
No, no, Milo.
Wait a minute.
No, no, no.
Sit down, Milo.
I'll think of something.
Pardon me, gentlemen.
I'm taking pictures for my bird watchers group.
Have you seen a speckle-coated sparrow around here?
Lady, can you handle a two-man saw?
I beg your pardon?
Then the bird went that way.
Oh.
Bill, you will never get anybody to help you.
Oh, don't be too sure.
Wilbur Post will be checking in in about an hour.
Oh, forget about it, Bill.
He will never help you chop down a tree that don't belong to you.
Milo, huh?
You know it don't belong to me, and I know it don't belong to me.
Now, this fish will keep his little trap shut.
Wilbur will never know, will he?
Oh, yeah.
Inkeeper!
Food and drink for the weary travelers.
Oh, hello, Bill.
So good to see you.
And Cindy, my, how you've grown.
Can I have a kiss?
Can I have a penny?
Cindy, little girls don't ask men for pennies.
That's right.
They grow up, marry them, and then take it all.
Wilbur!
Bill!
Carol!
Hello, Bill.
Well, it's about time you two got here.
We would have been here sooner, but we got stuck in the beautiful weather.
Oh, yeah, well, it's cleared up now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uncle Bill's got the whole weekend planned for you, Wilbur.
Yeah, you know the first thing you're going to do tomorrow morning?
Yeah, sleep until noon.
This is strictly a rest cure for me, Bill.
I'm going to plant myself in that old rocking chair and make sure I get a good night's sleep.
Plant yourself in that old rocking chair and let the fat grow.
Now, you've got a pretty good start on that garden right now.
Honey, will you get the bags from the car?
I'll help you, Wilbur.
Come on, I'll show you if you need anything.
Wonderful.
Oh, I say, while you're here.
Ah, there's nothing like this clean mountain air.
Yeah, that and a little exercise and you'll be all better again.
Better again?
Well, what's wrong with me now?
Oh, nothing.
For the shape you're in, you look fine.
For years now, I haven't had a pain or an ache since I've been doing my special exercise.
Special exercise?
Yeah, my secret to a long life.
As soon as I get you unpacked, I'll show it to you.
It's something that every man can do right in his own backyard.
Come on, boy.
Are you sure this is the secret to a long life?
Guaranteed.
Right.
I feel like 70 already.
Oh, you look fine, boy.
You've lost all that paleness.
You've got a nice red color.
Keep sorting, we're almost done.
I tell Carol about this.
Uh, you better not tell anyone.
I just remembered something.
What's that?
What we're doing.
It's a federal offense.
Well, as long as it shows up your muscles.
Federal offense?
Yes.
Timber!
Good work, Wilbur.
Now all we have to do is sort in sections.
What do you mean it's a federal offense?
Oh, that's only in case we get caught.
No, no, wait, wait.
Look, a Forrest Ranger truck.
Duck!
Secret to long life.
We better get going.
It's getting shorter every second.
No, no!
Hello?
Oh, yes, Ann.
Yeah, I'll take the call.
Hello?
Hello, Wilbur.
Ed!
Hey, Ed!
It's nice to hear your voice.
How do you feel?
I don't want to worry you,
but I've lost 50 or 60 pounds.
Ed, will you stop it?
I just talked to the Addisons on the phone yesterday,
and I happen to know you're being very well fed.
Well, that's a big lie.
They've been giving my food to their cat.
Hey, Addison's cat eats hay?
Doesn't everybody?
Look, Ed, we'll be home tomorrow,
so you behave yourself.
Can I watch the Late Late Show tonight?
You can stay up and watch the Late Late Show,
but please don't play that TV set too loud.
Goodbye, Wilbur.
Goodbye, Ed.
Poor Wilbur.
He's been sleeping all afternoon.
He really is tired.
Well, the rest is going to do him a lot of good.
Oh, that's exactly what I told you.
That's exactly what I told him today.
Take it easy.
I said, Wilbur,
the secret to long life is relaxation.
Just don't exercise.
That can kill you.
Where's Jerry?
Has he found the man who chopped down that tree?
Butterfingers.
Not yet, but when he called before, he was furious.
Boy, I'd hate to be the man who did it.
Yeah, me too.
Jerry said that Mr. Thompson,
he owns the property.
He's fit to be tied.
When he catches that criminal,
he's going to prosecute to the fullest extent.
Uh, how full can that be?
A thousand dollars fine and a year in jail.
It's pretty full.
Oh, hello, Milo.
Bill, Bill.
I just heard about what happened yesterday.
Only a lunatic would have cut that tree down.
Now, just a minute, Milo.
What makes you think I had anything to do with it?
Because yesterday you said you would,
and today the tree is down.
So, unless I walk in my sleep, you did it.
Milo, we live in a democracy
where every man is innocent until proven guilty.
And you're looking at the most innocent man
that ever cut down a tree.
Bill, I am ashamed of you.
Oh, stop looking at me like you were Joyce Kilmer.
What has she got to do with it?
When they catch you, they are going to throw you in jail.
And...
There comes Mr. Thompson.
Look, you've got a guilty look about you.
You're liable to give me away.
Go on, scat. Get yourself some coffee. Go ahead.
Well, hello, Mr. Thompson.
Beautiful day, huh?
Is it?
Ranger Moffat back yet? He's going to meet me here.
Well, Jerry should be back soon.
Why don't you pull up a chair on the porch
and make yourself comfortable, Mr. Thompson?
Come on. There we are.
Sit right down there. That's it.
Too bad about that tree yesterday.
Ain't the sort of thing that anybody around here would ever do.
No, sir. We're all tree lovers around here, you know.
As a matter of fact, the sight of a man with an axe
sets my blood to...
Would you like a cup of coffee, Mr. Thompson?
No.
I wish Moffat would get here.
I'm anxious to find out what he learned from that witness.
Well, he's probably... witness?
That's right.
Some woman staying at Snowflake Inn
claimed that she was hiking through the forest
and she saw these two men.
She did?
What's more, she says she can positively identify one of them.
Which one? The young one or the old one?
What's that?
I mean... well, these kind of crooks always work in pairs.
A young one and an old one.
It's a... the young one sort of learns the tricks of the trade
from the old one. It's a...
Learn what you learn.
Well, anyway, she said he was a young-looking man
with sandy-colored hair and a bright Hawaiian shirt.
I've never seen anybody like that around here.
Oh, no. No, I...
Well, now that you mention it, there was a coconut salesman
passed through here on his way to Honolulu.
Coconut salesman?
Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Thompson.
Oh, never mind that.
What did you find out from the woman?
Oh, we're in luck, Mr. Thompson.
She took a picture of the guys running away.
I rushed the film right over to Debbie's candle shop.
She's gonna phone me the minute it's developed.
Fine.
Mr. Thompson, Cherry,
I got something to tell you.
We better go inside.
Well, why?
Well, I got a feeling I'm gonna have to get used to being inside
for about a year.
Wilbur!
Wilbur?
Wilbur.
Wilbur, we're cooked.
What's going on, Bill?
Wilbur and me, we got a confession to make.
We cut down the old pine.
You did?
Yeah.
Don't believe him. He's delirious.
He must have been hit on the head when the tree fell.
It's no use, Wilbur.
I always believe in telling the truth.
Once you get caught,
someone's gonna snap the picture of us.
Mommy, Mommy, Uncle Bill's in trouble again.
Well, Moffat, what are you waiting for? Arrest them.
Hello.
Yes, Mr. Devery.
You did?
That picture will be all the proof I need.
Well, okay. Thanks.
I'm afraid you don't have any proof, Mr. Thompson.
The film was underexposed.
You mean it didn't come out?
Nope.
Well, we don't need that picture anyway.
We still have his confession.
You mean to say you believe that cock and bull story I told before?
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Wilbur, we sure had him going for a while, didn't we?
I could hardly keep a straight face.
Ha ha!
You old son of a gun, you!
Wait a minute.
What's that?
A lion shirt.
Just like that woman said.
What have you got to say about that?
Aloha?
What's Cindy talking about?
What's the trouble?
It seems...
Come on, Moffat, let's not waste any more time.
Place those men under arrest and I'll prefer charges.
Here, phone the sheriff.
Jerry, don't you dare.
Now, just a minute.
I'll admit that I'm guilty, but Wilbur had nothing to do with it.
He just came up here for arrest.
Well, if I have my way, he's gonna have a nice long one.
Mr. Thompson...
Cutting down your tree was wrong,
but the motive behind it was right.
How do you figure that?
Well, you see, Bill was gonna use that lumber to build benches and chairs for the summer camp.
Forty kids will be coming up here, Mr. Thompson.
Youngsters who never had a chance in life.
This camp is one of the nicest things that could ever happen to them.
All Bill wants to do is make that possible.
That's the truth!
I know trees are expensive, but suppose we personally pay for it.
I can let you have $100.
And we're willing to chip in.
I got $87 laying in the bank as you're collecting dust.
You can take my piggy bank.
You can take my piggy bank.
If you needed lumber, why didn't you ask me for it?
Because everybody knows you're a greedy old skinflint.
I wish you'd put that to him a different way.
Well, it's true. He's never contributed one skinny dime to the camp.
I didn't even know about it.
If somebody had bothered to tell me, I might have considered making a donation.
Well, you've still got time, Mr. Thompson, and it's deductible.
Well, all right. You can have the tree.
Now who's a greedy old skinflint?
Mr. Thompson, I take back every nasty thing I ever said about you in the past.
And that includes anything I might say in the future.
You're all right, Mr. Thompson.
I had you pegged for a good jolt the minute I laid eyes on you.
Take your coconut-picking hands off me.
Mr. Parker. Yes, sir?
Don't let me ever catch you touching one of my trees.
No, no, sir. No, sir.
Well, Uncle Bill, I hope this has taught you a lesson.
Oh, it certainly has, Annie.
You don't ever have to worry about me again.
By golly, I think he means it.
I sure do.
Wilbur, what do you say? Let's you and me go fishing tomorrow, huh?
Okay, where?
I know a great spot over on Thompson's property.
Ed, I'm home!
Ed!
Beg your pardon, stranger.
Oh, Ed. Oh, I really missed you, old boy.
Yeah, then why didn't you write?
Telegram? Postcard?
Well, to tell you the truth, Ed, I got sort of involved.
A phone call, then.
It was a long distance.
Oh, what? I would have been glad to accept the charges.
People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.
But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse.
You never heard of a talking horse?
Well, listen to this.
I am Mr. Ed.
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