tv_channel_simulator/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E13 Ed the Tout.autogenerated.txt

Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Red.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Red.
Three quarters of a mile and eleven.
Morning, Ed.
Morning.
What happened to the sports section?
I'm reading it.
Hey, wait, I'm not through yet.
You know I like to read it with my coffee.
Well, I like to read it with my hay.
Well, I'm sorry.
Why did you mark the horse racing?
Why did you mark the horse racing?
Don't worry, I'm not betting.
Hello, Roger. Want me to get you a cup of coffee?
No, thanks.
Oh, what's this?
Are you playing the horses?
No, I even think the merry-go-round is fixed.
Well, then who made these selections?
Would you believe it if I told you it was Mr. Red?
Well, I'll tell you the truth.
The little boy who delivers the paper is a tout.
Wilbur, you surprised me.
I thought you had more sense than to play the races.
If you must throw your money away, give it to your wife.
Believe me, I never gamble.
You know, I had a good friend who lost a fortune on the races.
Then he started drinking.
First one bottle a day, and then two.
Finally, he was buying it by the case.
You know what happened to that man?
Owns his own liquor store?
It wasn't funny to my friend.
He lost his family, his business, his home.
They darn near kicked him out of the Harvard Club.
Look, Roger, I appreciate your concern,
but believe me, it isn't necessary.
Well, girls, how's the charity drive coming along?
We've never had no said to us in so many different ways.
I never thought it would be so hard to collect money for a milk fund.
How much did you get?
Uh, $40.
Does that include the 20 I gave you this morning?
Mm-hmm.
Does that include the 20 I gave you this morning?
I guess we didn't have such a good day.
Hey, I have a thought.
Why not let Wilbur run your $40 into a few thousand at the charity drive?
Why not let Wilbur run your $40 into a few thousand at the charity drive?
Race track?
Wilbur, you don't...
Wilbur, have you been betting on the horses?
Of course not, honey.
Oh, no.
He just marked off these horses' names because it's their birthday
and he wants to send them some presents.
Come, dear.
Wilbur, take my advice. Forget the races.
And just to remove any temptation, I'll take this along with me.
And incidentally, you're saving a dime.
Oh, yeah?
Well, how about Mabel?
Well, if you deduct what we spent for gas, stationary, phone, and circulars,
our charity drive has already lost $15.
Okay, kid. Talk to you later.
May I come in?
Oh, hi, Roger.
Is Wilbur here?
He's upstairs.
Wilbur!
You must be excited about his luck today.
What luck?
Why, your husband picked eight winners.
Eight winners?
At the race track.
Well, here, look for yourself.
Here are Wilbur's selections, and here are the winners.
Hi, Roger. I'll be right back.
Honey, you... you picked eight winners.
Winners?
Yes, at the race track.
Oh, that's nice.
I picked eight winners?
Yes, you did.
They are.
What do you know? Eight in a row. Not bad.
I didn't bet.
Sure, kid.
I didn't.
Will you excuse me, Roger? I've got to feed Ed.
Is it possible he didn't bet?
Oh, I'm sure he didn't.
You say that so calmly.
If I picked eight winners and didn't bet,
my wife would be on her way to Reno.
Ed, you picked eight winners.
Well, there were only eight races.
Ed, how did you get so lucky?
Not luck. Just horse sense.
You mean you can actually pick the horses?
Better than you can pick people.
What's the secret? How do you do it?
Simple. I see who's running, and I pick the best.
How do you know so much about horses?
Isn't that a stupid question?
Yes, yes. Eight winners. That's amazing.
Look, I've got a reward for you.
Hey, neighbor, let me give you a hand with that.
Thanks. I think I can manage from here.
Well, if a man can't help a friend, what good is he?
It's true.
Oh, by the way, Wilbur, you know, you were just lucky today.
You could never pick eight winners in a row again.
Yes, I could. But what's the difference? You don't play the races.
No, no, no, no. Of course not.
I'm just interested from the scientific point of view.
Oh, is that why you're being so helpful this evening?
Oh, Wilbur, please.
Now, just to satisfy me,
would you make some selections for tomorrow?
I'd rather not, Rog.
Oh, admit it. You were just lucky.
Once they get on the track,
nobody can tell what these stupid animals are liable to do.
Look, Roger, I don't...
Okay, Roger.
You call out the list of tomorrow's entries,
and I'll give you the winners.
Good. First race. Eskibam.
No.
Bleak Lady.
No.
Sunny Boy.
Sunny Boy?
Uh, Sunny Boy.
Yeah, that's the winner. Sunny Boy.
Sunny Boy?
Well, he's 80 to 1.
According to this handicapper, he's never beaten any of these other nags.
Well, tomorrow, he's... he's running for revenge.
I can hardly wait to check the paper tonight.
Then we'll see how good you really are.
Now, the second race.
Maybe the boy didn't deliver the paper yet.
It could be up on the roof.
Kid's got a great pitching arm. Lots of speed, but no control.
Oh, here it is.
Yeah.
Now we'll cut you down to size, my boy.
Roger, are you a sporting man?
What do you have in mind?
If I picked eight winners again, you carry me into the house.
If I didn't, I carry you.
You're on.
You can put me down here, driver.
What on earth is going on?
You never carried me over the threshold.
My dear, you never picked eight horses in a row.
Again?
Again?
Yes. Eight yesterday, eight today.
It's only 16 winners. That's all the fuss about.
Kay, how much money do we have in the bank?
Oh, how fabulous. We'll all be rich.
My mink will be wearing sable.
A laden hatter's lamp. We have our Wilbur.
I wonder when the new model yachts come up.
How do you pick them?
Yes, when did you find out you had this power?
Tell us, Swami.
It all happened a few days ago.
I was on the phone with my mom, concentrating on some sketches.
All of a sudden, I had a strange sensation.
And I found myself circling horses on the sports page.
Too sour, too sour.
May I touch you?
Wilbur, what time do we leave for the track tomorrow?
Why wait for tomorrow? Aren't there any night races?
I'll milk-drive.
We'll have all the money we need.
Milk-drive? Why, with Wilbur on our side,
those kids are going to be drinking champagne.
Look, Roger, I don't bet, and I thought you were opposed to gambling.
My boy backing you is not gambling, it's hoarding.
Now get busy. Take him. Go ahead.
Get him a pencil.
Pencil? Here, Wilbur, take my pen. Keep it. Go on.
I don't like to bet.
You bet for matchsticks, we'll bet for money.
Honey, for the charity drive, please.
Well, if it's for charity,
I'd better go in the barn and concentrate.
You want me to carry you?
I'll help you.
Please.
What a brilliant man I married.
Oh, he's not just yours now, Carol.
He belongs to the world.
Hollywood Park, five million.
Hialeah, five million.
Ed, what do you mean you can't pick any more winners?
I don't like betting for money.
It's against my principles.
You got me into this.
They think I have the power. What can I tell them?
Tell them you blew a fuse.
Aqueduct. Short season, three million.
Come up.
Twenty-five million.
Give the government 24 million.
Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.
Oh, back so soon?
Where are your selections?
I don't have them.
Oh, you left them in your office, huh?
I'll go get them. Here, sit down, my boy.
Sit right here. Relax.
Roger, I haven't got any.
You haven't?
Oh, you don't like the horses today, huh?
Well, that's all right. We'll pick them some other day.
You know, nothing lost except the interest on the money.
Roger, I'm afraid I'm never going to pick the horses again.
Roger, I must have lost the knack.
I tried, but it just wouldn't come.
Sorry, Roger.
Why, darling, what's wrong?
We've been wiped out.
What? What happened?
Now I know how Benedict Arnold's wife must have felt.
Come, dear.
You're not in the house of a friend.
Please, my dear.
I'm not worth it.
Please, my dear. I'm not well.
Just look at them.
I wish Roger would start talking to Wilbur.
If only Wilbur would let him win a few races.
Oh, it's not Wilbur's fault he lost the knack of picking horses.
Does he ever talk in his sleep?
Sometimes.
Well, if he ever mumbles a long shot, jot it down.
I just read about a wonderful new spray for roses.
It's a homemade dust.
You mix nine parts of dusting sulfur with one part of arsenate of lead.
Who's going to win the first race?
I don't know.
Go play with your arsenate.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
Ed, just one winner?
Just the seventh race. The big one?
No, I couldn't live with myself.
Ed, please.
May I quote you from Oscar Wilde?
Oscar Wilde?
He does not win who plays with sin.
Well, I've got one for you.
He gets no dinner who picks no winner.
What fool said that?
I did.
I mean...
Oh, I don't need your help.
I'll pick the seventh race myself.
That's easy.
Devil's tail.
Is it going to win?
Is it going to lose?
Is it a horse?
I think we need some fresh air.
Oh, I guess I shouldn't have volunteered to head our charity drive.
Maybe one of the other girls could do a better job.
Oh, don't blame yourself, sweetie.
It's the kids I'm thinking about.
That milk fund's very important to them.
I didn't make some bets yesterday when Wilbur picked all those winners.
Do you really think he's lost his touch?
Oh, he must have.
He certainly wouldn't refuse to pick winners to help a cause like this.
Say, Wilbur.
Yeah?
You should have told me it was for the milk fund.
You mean you're going to pick today's winners?
Only for today.
Oh, thanks, Ed.
Imagine picking Devil's tail.
That horse will finish two lengths behind his own tail.
Thanks, Ed.
Stop it.
What do I tell them?
There must be some other way to make money.
Wow.
Carol, hey, I've got the touch again.
I'm going to pick the winners today.
Oh, darling.
Oh, I'll tell Addison.
Addison!
Thank heaven you've come home to us.
Aren't you angry at me anymore?
Golden boy, was I ever angry with you?
I'll need a few minutes alone to make my selection.
Of course, of course.
Everybody out of the yard.
My friend wants privacy.
Out, out, out.
Adol!
Shh.
Do you think I'd look better in a blue yacht or a pink one?
Don't be chintzy, dear.
Why, both.
In the eighth race, who will be blue?
Five pounds over at 118 pounds.
Uh, king's ransom to win.
That's number three.
Thank you.
Number three, of course.
Buddy boy.
The horses are approaching the starting gate.
Let's go, honey.
Oh, I hope we win.
Oh, I can see those mink sails on my yacht now.
The starting gate.
The flag is up.
And coming around the turn, it's Clyver in front,
followed by blue boy, windstorm is up.
Where are you going, honey?
I want to be first in line to collect my money.
But we've got king's ransom.
And he's dead last.
Oh, I knew we couldn't do it three days in a row.
And at the top of the stretch, it's Clyver.
Clyver moving along the rail.
Oh, here comes king's ransom.
It's king's ransom.
Oh, and underhand with the boat.
Coming down the line, it's king's ransom.
Wait for me, golden boy.
Four winners in a row on all long shots.
You're a genius.
Four long shots in a row?
What's he got in this one?
Lady's choice.
Can't lose.
Can I have a look at it, please?
Follow my friend's advice.
It's like stealing money.
Lady's choice.
Likewise.
Wilbur, aren't you going to watch the race?
Why bother walking back to the box?
Let's just wait here for our money.
He sure is confident, ain't he?
My friend, a bank would lend you any amount on his predictions.
Lady's choice.
Number four, please.
Thank you.
Number four.
Likewise.
Likewise.
Well, who's going to win the next race?
Oh, why is one...
My selection is Bluebell.
Bluebell.
Bluebell.
Come along with me, please.
Mr. Post, according to Detective Weems, you picked six long shots in a row.
Is that against the law?
Of course not.
But as steward of this track, I am naturally curious about your good fortune.
Naturally.
Have you been getting advice from any of the jockeys?
No, sir.
The owners?
The trainers?
Then who has been advising you?
My horse.
Mr. Post, you promised to cooperate.
Now, you please tell us who has been giving you these tips.
Ed.
Ed who?
My horse doesn't have a last name.
He must have a last name.
I can see that you're not getting anywhere.
Gentlemen, I can clear this whole thing up with one phone call.
May I use your phone?
Go ahead, Ed.
Thank you.
Post residence.
Oh, Ed, it's me.
I'm at the racetrack.
Ed, isn't it true that you've been giving me all the winners today?
Sure, I gave you all the winners.
Hello, this is Mr. Gray, the steward.
Who is this?
Mr. Ed, the horse.
I don't know what you're doing, Post, but whatever it is, stop it.
Yes.
Oh, if either of you gentlemen want to bet the seventh race, the winner will be Prince Charming.
Prince Charming?
Yes, my horse just told me that Mrs. Prince Charming had a baby last week, so he'll be trying to win for the kid.
What happened to your friend?
Yeah, who are we going to bet on the seventh race?
I don't know.
Oh, yes, I do.
Here he is.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Quiet, quiet, please.
Quiet, everyone, please.
Ah, it is Prince Charming.
Prince Charming!
Prince Charming!
Prince Charming!
Attention, Prince Charming, number seven, has been declared.
Hey, did you hear that?
Prince Charming is back.
What's your next choice?
Come on, what is your next choice?
Please, please.
Don't panic.
My goodness, there's plenty of money for everybody.
Well, Wilbur?
I don't know.
Prince Charming was my only choice.
Oh, come on, you've got to have some other one you like.
Look at all the horses that are running.
Oh, please, come on.
Gentlemen, he has circled Devil's Tail.
Devil's Tail!
The horses are at the starting gate.
The big race is going to start pretty soon.
The girls had better hurry back.
What's the rush?
We didn't bet this race.
Well, all I'm winning is on Devil's Tail.
Oh, that's right.
I may sell my house and move into my bank.
What did you do?
Who told you to bet on Devil's Tail?
I did.
I borrowed your newspaper from your pocket.
That horse can't win.
I picked it myself this morning.
You picked all of them, darling.
They're off to that running.
He shouldn't have bet on Devil's Tail.
He hasn't got a chance.
Out in front, it's Devil's Tail on top by a break.
Six winners.
How greedy can you be?
It's Devil's Tail by a break.
Remember, I picked him all by myself.
It's Devil's Tail on top by a break.
I was just sitting in the office, you know.
Nobody yelled at me.
Just by sheer logic, I decided to pick on Devil's Tail.
And the deer's hopper still fighting on the outside.
He's holding it on Devil's Tail.
The winner of the third prize is Snowflake,
Snowflake,
and the winner of the second prize is Milk Flake.
Well, you can't win them all.
I can't bear to think of it.
My pretty blue yacht sank in the seventh race.
My twelve apartment building.
I think of all that money we could have had for that milk fund.
Oh, wait a minute, honey.
Here's some money for your milk fund.
Where did you get all this money?
I didn't bet on the seventh race.
You didn't?
My mother didn't raise me to be a gambler.
My mother didn't raise me to be a gambler.
Oh, you know where?
Right there, right there.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
And no one can talk to a horse, of course.
That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A.
Go right to the source and ask the horse.
He'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course.
Talk to Mr. A.
He'll booyakity yak the streak and waste your time a day.
But Mr. A will never speak unless he has something to say.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
And this one will talk to his voice, his voice.
You never heard of a talking horse?
Well, listen to this.
I am Mr. A.