tv_channel_simulator/series/Mister Ed/Mister Ed S01E02 The Ventriloquist.autogenerated.txt

Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
Honey, I'll be out in my office.
I promised Mr. Harrison he could look at the sketches tonight.
All right, dear.
Wilbur?
Yeah?
Don't be gone too long, darling, there's a chill in the air.
New perfume, huh?
Mm-hmm, like it?
If you weren't my wife, I'd kiss you.
Wilbur?
What did you buy and how much did it cost?
I'd better not tell you.
You say it's too expensive.
You're right, it's too expensive.
But Wilbur, it's something I really need.
What is it?
Well, it's, uh...
It's, uh...
No, if I told you, I'm sure you'd turn me down.
Maybe I wouldn't.
I'm sure you would.
Well, ask me.
First, promise me you'll say yes.
Oh, no.
That's how you got me to marry you.
Look, let's not play games.
What is it you want?
Well, it's...
It's a, uh...
Oh, no.
I just couldn't stand it if you turned me down.
Wilbur?
It's for you.
Thank you.
Yeah?
I just figured out how we can pay it off in 12 installments.
Pay what off?
Uh...
Oh, you just say no.
Oh, boy.
Women.
You think we'll ever understand them?
Don't try.
Just enjoy them.
Oh, if only I knew what my wife wanted.
And you, if you were more cooperative, I could afford to get her anything.
How's that?
Well, if you would only talk to everybody instead of only to me.
I mean, I could put you on television, clean up a fortune.
Television?
Not me.
I'm a trigger.
He's a very mixed-up horse.
What do you think of these sketches?
Not bad.
I put in plenty of night work on these sketches.
When Addison sees these tomorrow, that country club job is in the bag.
I still say the exterior should be redwood, not stucco.
Besides, he's my next-door neighbor.
How can he possibly turn me down?
Easy.
There's no...
I know I could sell Mr. Addison these plans if only I could be with him when he looked
at them.
Why don't you take him to lunch, hmm?
I don't know him that well.
I mean, I feel funny just inviting him out of the blue, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
You're a chicken.
I don't know, Ed.
Want me to dial?
No, never mind.
Be subtle.
Lead up to that invitation.
I got it.
Yes, dear.
Hello.
Hello, Mr. Addison.
This is your neighbor, Wilbur Post.
Hello, Post.
I was wondering...
Want to go for a walk?
Would you like to go for a walk?
Walk?
I'd look rather conspicuous in my pajamas.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you sleeping?
Yes, until the phone rang.
Invite him to lunch.
How about lunch?
No, thank you.
I just had dinner.
I mean, tomorrow at the club.
You'll pay.
You'll pay.
You'll pay.
I mean...
It's on me.
I'll pay for my horse.
I mean, I'll pay.
Mr. Addison, I finished those sketches.
I would like to discuss them with you at lunch.
Very well, Post.
Twelve o'clock sharp.
Good night.
Weird fellow.
Addison doll.
Addison doll.
They're having a flower show at the Civic Auditorium.
Baby doll.
Cupcake.
I know you're awake, little faker.
I am not going to any flower show.
I'm in my pajamas and I'm not starting from this couch.
Flower show.
Hi.
Where's Wilbur?
He's outside going over the plans for the new clubhouse.
Oh, that's nice.
My husband's sleeping.
Yours is out working.
Well, that's what keeps married couples together.
Separateness.
Oh, I just love a second television for our bedroom.
How would you get your husband to buy you one?
Easy.
I'd show him the sail slip.
That's the one thing my husband understands.
You've got to be forceful and aggressive.
But I didn't even have the nerve to ask Wilbur.
You want to know the best time to ask him?
Right after a good meal.
A good meal?
Yes, there's only one thing that works.
Stuff him in the morning and skin him at night.
You're just being serious.
I mean it.
Oh, but my husband isn't easy.
I give him tomato juice, he wants orange juice.
I give him orange juice, he wants tomato juice.
What about pineapple juice?
I give him pineapple juice and he'd want papaya juice.
Find out what he likes and give it to him.
If you want that television set.
Are we having company for breakfast?
No, dear.
What would you like?
Orange juice, pineapple juice, grapefruit juice, prune juice, vegetable juice, papaya
juice or our sauerkraut juice?
I'd like orange juice.
Two minute eggs, three minute eggs, four minute eggs, fried eggs, scrambled eggs, coddled
eggs, poached eggs, I'll set his side up.
No eggs, Benedict?
I didn't have room on the tray.
What did you buy and how much did it cost?
Bacon, ham, mixed sausage, breakfast steak, liver, I'll...
Chef Malani, sit down.
Now look, what is this you want?
Coffee, hot chocolate...
Just a minute.
I don't know what you want, but whatever it is, we can't afford it because this breakfast
costs more.
Honey, please.
What is it?
A television set.
What is it?
A television set for the bedroom.
Is that...
Is that what...
Is that all?
You know, for a minute you had me worried.
You mean I can have it?
No.
Honey, look, I just spent a fortune on this house and all this furniture and all this
food.
Oh, look, sweetie.
Come on, let's have a little smile.
Look, dear, I'll tell you what.
I'm going to have lunch with Addison this afternoon.
If I can sell him on the clubhouse, I'll get you the set.
Oh, you're the most wonderful husband in the world.
I'll get a big 24-inch model with remote control and we can both watch the late show through
our toes.
Oh, wait a minute, honey.
Addison hasn't seen the sketches yet and he's not an easy man to sell.
Oh, his wife told me how to handle him.
All you have to do is be forceful and aggressive.
Forceful?
Aggressive?
Me?
Honey, if you want to make this sale, you've got to be aggressive.
Be a pusher.
Oh, honey, let's face it.
I'm not a pusher.
I'm more of a nudger.
Oh, honey, you can do it.
I know you can.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can.
I can be very forceful.
I can be aggressive.
Good.
Now, don't forget, Wilbur, push, don't nudge.
Ed.
Whoops.
How many times have I got to tell you not to listen in on the party line?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Who was that on the phone?
Mrs. Ferguson.
I heard her say she's going to have another baby.
You mean she's expecting?
Expecting nothing.
She's sure.
You're out of feed.
How about I get you some oats?
No, please.
I'm starting a diet today.
A diet?
Yeah.
Eat like a horse, look like a horse.
Unless you can find me some low-cal hay.
All right.
Wish me luck with Mr. Addison, will you?
One word of advice, Wilbur.
What?
Be a pusher, not a nudger.
Right.
Where did you hear that?
I also listen in at windows.
Hi Addison, old boy.
How's my favorite pigeon?
Hello, Robbins.
We playing golf again tomorrow?
We'll see.
I sure love separating you from that two bucks today.
You're the world's worst loser.
I am not.
You should see yourself paying off a bet.
Your Adam's apple keeps bobbing up and down.
I know how to lose gracefully.
Oh?
Well, I'll give you another chance to be graceful.
I'll bet you two bucks there's less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.
Well?
Oh, how obvious can you be?
You've got it all set up.
I'll wager there are less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.
Okay.
It's a bet.
I'll bet you two bucks there's less than 12 lumps of sugar in that bowl.
Someday I'm going to beat you.
Oh, don't lose that attitude.
That's going to send my boy through school.
And now may I suggest that you run along?
I'm having luncheon with Wilbur Post.
Wilbur Post?
You're not having lunch with him.
I am.
He's bringing over some sketches for the new clubhouse.
You know him?
Oh, very well.
Grew up with him.
Went to school with him.
He's a little dird.
He doesn't have any get up and go, you know what I mean?
Between my wife at home and you at the club, I get pushed around enough.
It'll be quite refreshing to meet someone who is modest and unassuming.
Addison!
Hey, how's wife put her there, huh?
Hey, Harry, how's Mabel?
What do you say, Sam?
Look, I'll talk to you over at the curtain.
Oh, sorry.
I'll put up my bill.
Give yourself a big tip.
Well, how?
What are you, on the building committee?
Wilbur, why don't you, uh, the whole thing?
I'm not sure I can do it.
I'm not sure I can do it.
I'm not sure I can do it.
I'm not sure I can do it.
Give yourself a big tip.
I'm not sure I can do it.
I'm not sure I can do it.
I'm not sure I can do it.
Cheer up, honey.
Try to forget about this afternoon.
This has taught me a lesson.
I'm never going to try to be anything that I'm not.
I've got to accept that once and for all, I'm a 100% 14-carat nudger.
Wilbur, I am not going to sit here and listen to you tear yourself down.
I went through two years of that with my folks.
Well, I was always under the impression that your folks sort of liked me.
Oh, they did.
I mean, they do.
They will.
They're right.
You should never have married me.
Oh, no, honey.
Forget about Addison and his old clubhouse.
You don't need him.
Why, there are lots of men in this town who appreciate your work.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
That Addison.
He gets me so mad.
You know, if he were to walk in here this very minute and get down on his hands and knees
and beg me to do that job, I'd do it.
Oh, honey, it's so good to see you laughing again.
Darling, it's only one job.
I know, but I promised you a TV set.
Oh, forget about the set.
I can wait.
You said you needed it.
There's only one thing I need.
Hello there.
Oh, I envy you two.
You know, Addison and I used to kiss all the time.
Then we got married.
Oh, well.
Did your husband tell you what happened today at lunch?
Um, not too much.
He talked mostly about our house.
Your house?
He wants to sell it.
Oh, now, look, kid, stop worrying.
I've had a little talk with Addison, and he's agreed to look at your sketches.
Wonderful.
I'll take him right over.
Uh, no, you better let me.
He's wearing his best shirt tonight.
Kay, we really appreciate this.
Oh, Kay, you're such a wonderful neighbor.
It means so much to Wilbur, to both of us.
Well, don't get your hopes up.
I'll get Addison to look at these, but I can't guarantee he'll give you the job.
That's good enough for us.
See you later, huh?
Whoop.
You're going to get me in trouble with this eavesdropping habit of yours.
It's wrong to listen to other people's conversations.
They're entitled to their privacy.
Why do you do that?
Compulsion.
Besides, I didn't expect to get caught.
Now, this is the last time I'm going to tell you.
I hope so.
What's so funny?
I heard about your ketchup caper this afternoon.
Where'd you hear about that?
Happened to stroll by Addison's window.
What did he say about me?
Sorry, I don't use that kind of language.
Oh, Mr. Addison.
Good evening, Mrs. Post.
You come in.
Thank you.
I'm so glad to see you.
You're looking well.
Is your husband home?
Yes, I'll go get him.
Oh, Mr. Addison, I'm terribly sorry about what happened this afternoon.
Well, I assure you, Mrs. Post, it is not a memory that I will cherish in my golden years.
Actually, it was all my fault.
You see, I told Wilbur to be aggressive, and I guess he over-diddled it a little.
What?
Over-doodled.
Diddle.
Doodle.
What I mean is that Wilbur isn't like that at all.
He's really quite the opposite.
I'm sure.
Anyway, I've looked over your husband's sketches, and I believe they have possibilities.
Oh, that's wonderful.
He'll be so happy to hear it.
He's in the barn in his workshop.
I'll go get him.
Don't bother.
I'll go and talk to him personally.
Good evening, Mrs. Post.
Oh, Mr. Addison, I'm so happy.
I could just kiss you.
Please, let's not over-doodle it.
I wonder how Mrs. Addison's making out with her husband.
Maybe I should drop over there, you know, ring the bell, and pretend to borrow a cup of sugar.
How corny can you get?
I shouldn't worry about her.
She's got her husband completely buffered.
Buffered?
She's got him stampeded.
He's not such a bad guy.
No, not bad.
Just stuffy.
He's got less personality than a dead mackerel.
He's not such a bad...
Mr. Addison.
The horse.
Please.
What?
Huh?
Mr. Addison, look, I don't want to rush you,
but have you made any decision on the plans for the horse?
I heard... talking?
That wasn't the horse.
I'm a ventriloquist.
A ventriloquist?
That is remarkable.
You didn't even move a muscle.
Mr. Addison, would you believe it if I were to tell you the horse actually talks?
Why, of course not.
I've been a ventriloquist for years.
Fantastic.
Let me see you do that just once more while I'm watching you closely.
I can talk while I drink a glass of water.
Boy, there is more to you than I thought.
I am amazed.
Well, that makes two of us.
Look, Mr. Addison, what are the plans?
Well, we'll discuss this when you drop by my house.
I'd like to have you over there around 9 o'clock.
Fine, fine, I'll be there.
Good.
Ventriloquist.
People will believe anything.
Why don't you acknowledge that I'm a better gin player than you are?
I've beaten you nine straight games.
Yeah, luck, that's all, just plain luck.
It's bound to change sometime.
And oh, it has.
This is the best hand I've had all night.
Hey, wait a minute.
I only have nine cards.
It's a missed deal.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you don't.
Take another card.
My play.
Gin.
Look, at 50 cents a game, that's $5 you owe me.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll toss you a coin, double or nothing.
No, no, no, no.
To use your expression, this pigeon has had it.
Besides, I'm expecting Wilbur Post.
Wilbur Post?
What do you see in that dud?
Wilbur Post is a very talented young man.
Well, I suppose he's a fairly good architect.
And a very amusing young man.
Amusing?
Wilbur Post happens to be a very fine ventriloquist.
Wilbur Post?
He's lucky to get words out of his own mouth.
Roberts, how much did you beat me for today?
Well, $4 and this 5 makes 9.
Why?
For once, I would like to come out ahead of you.
Would you care to wager $10 that Wilbur Post is a ventriloquist?
Now I've heard everything.
Okay, if your Adam's apple can stand it.
You've got a bet.
Sure, little pigeon, sure.
Wilbur, my boy, come in.
Ah, lovely evening, isn't it?
Hello, Hal.
Oh, hiya, Wilbur.
Say, Addison thinks an awful lot of you.
Oh, he told you about the plans, huh?
Well, that new clubhouse is going to look beautiful.
Never mind that now, Wilbur.
I was just telling Robbins what a great ventriloquist you are.
I am?
Oh, well, no, I wouldn't say I was great.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Well, let's see what you can do.
Give us a demonstration.
Come on, Wilbur. Make your voice come out of this Beethoven statue.
Well, no.
Come on, come on here.
Make your voice come out right here.
Come on, come on, huh?
I've never performed in front of the public.
Never mind the false modesty.
I've made a sizable wager with Robbins that you're a ventriloquist.
And I don't intend to lose it.
Well, I...
We're waiting, Post.
And if you expect to do business with me,
we'd better hear a few words from Beethoven.
I used to remember.
I left the shower running.
I'd better call my wife.
Excuse me.
I'm going to get my...
You'll never learn.
Hello, Carol.
Look, I'm in a spot.
Call me right back and tell me I'm needed at home.
Carol is out.
This is your answering service.
You and that ventriloquist bit.
You got me into a real jam.
If I can't make Addison's Beethoven statue talk,
I'm going to lose the contract.
I left the shower on, but fortunately my wife is in it.
Come on, Post.
I've been waiting for years to win just one bet from this man.
Now, come on.
Throw your voice, won't you, please?
Just once. Once, please, huh?
Mr. Addison, I must tell you the truth.
I'm not really a ventriloquist.
But I heard you.
If you've made some kind of bet, I'll gladly pay it.
I saw you throw your voice in the barn.
In the barn, I'm a ventriloquist.
Come on, fork over the ten bucks.
Don't pay him.
This is Beethoven talking.
He did it! Did you hear him?
He did it there! He did it!
I don't believe it.
Do it again.
Yeah, certainly.
Well, uh, won't you, uh...
Won't you say something else for the nice people, Beethoven?
Please, don't be so formal.
Call me Ludwig.
Oh...
Well...
Whoa...
He's lucky I can talk.
Ed, we did it. We did it.
I got the contract,
and tomorrow I'm gonna buy my wife a television set.
And all because of you. You are wonderful.
That's fine.
Now do me a favor, will ya?
Anything.
I'm gonna buy my wife a television set.
And all because of you. You are wonderful.
Now do me a favor, will ya?
Anything.
What?
When you're watching television,
don't turn on any of those old westerns.
Why not?
I hate to see people sitting on my friends.
This has been a Filmways television presentation.