Hello, I'm Mr. Red.
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,
that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. A.
Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.
He's always on a steady course.
Talk to Mr. A.
Get back in the barn, Ed.
That was no horse, that was my wife.
Lemonade and cookies for the master of the house.
You're not going to lift a finger during your vacation.
Nobody has worked harder than you have finishing those plans for the Quigley Medical Building.
Another bite of cookie, please.
You're not going to do a thing.
Napkin.
Yes, my lord.
Just rest and enjoy the sun.
Now I want you to take a nice long nap.
Carol.
Yes, dear.
Close my eyes.
Boy, this is what I call living.
Not enough sugar.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Did I disturb you?
How was the lemonade?
Not enough sugar.
Would you like another glass?
No, thank you, honey.
No.
Will you just relax?
Rest.
Isn't she a wonderful wife?
Boy, there's nothing like marriage.
Big deal.
One week off, 51 weeks slaving.
No, you're wrong, Ed.
It's a great life.
There's nothing like having a wonderful wife.
Someone to come home to at night.
Someone to share your sorrows, your joys, your...
You've been out in the hot sun too long.
Hi, Roger.
Maybe a week's vacation isn't enough.
Well, sit down, neighbor.
Oh, no.
I couldn't get up again.
Where's Kay?
She's waiting for me.
My dear wife has had me rearranging furniture all morning.
Not again.
You're probably ready for a week's rest yourself.
If that woman has me move one more stick of furniture, hello, dear, where do you want
me to move the couch?
Addison, doll, I just realized where the piano really belongs.
Carnegie Hall?
Near the bookshelf.
And I promise you, sweets, this will be the last move.
It better be, because the next move is me out of the house.
Oh, come on, muscles.
Yes?
It's for you.
Thanks, Ed.
Hello?
Wilbur Honey, this is your Aunt Martha.
Aunt Martha?
Well, where are you calling from?
From the railroad station, dear.
The railroad station?
Yes.
Didn't you get my letter?
No, Aunt Martha, we weren't expecting you, but it's wonderful.
I'll be right down to pick you up.
How's Carol?
Oh, she's fine, Aunt Martha.
Look, where will I pick you up?
Well, I'll meet you where they stack the trunks and suitcases.
The old bag up front will be your Aunt Martha.
Goodbye, dear.
I won't be long.
Oh, my.
One does get so grumpy, doesn't one?
Right this way, Aunt Martha.
Thank you, dear.
You know, I simply cannot understand what could have happened to my letter.
It must have gotten lost.
No, it's not important.
How long will you be able to stay with us, Aunt Martha?
Oh, a few days.
I'll be back in a few days.
I'll be back in a few days.
I'll be back in a few days.
I'll be back in a few days.
I'll be back in a few days.
Oh, that's not important, how long will you be able to stay with us, Aunt Martha?
Oh, I just love your house.
Stick them up, stick them up.
Isn't Tootsie clever?
It's a hose, it's a hose.
Where did she learn that?
Oh, she just loves to watch those detective stories on television.
Oh, how cute.
Isn't it amazing how a bird can tongue?
I don't know, I got a horse.
Drinks lemonade, eats hay, trots.
Isn't that nice?
That's my Wilbur, he still has the same imagination he had as a little boy.
Don't you, Weeby?
Weeby?
When Wilbur was a little boy.
Please, Aunt Martha.
He was so cute.
I used to bounce him up and down on my knee and I'd say, what's your name, honey?
Well, he couldn't say Wilbur, so he used to say, Weeby.
Weeby, Weeby.
Shall we go in?
Look at that gorgeous backyard.
You know, that's what I like about it.
Wilbur did all the landscaping himself.
He did?
That's right.
It only cost me $200 more than if I'd hired a gardener.
That's my same little Weeby.
Honey, would you please get the suitcases?
Yeah.
Aunt Martha.
Yes, dear?
I'll show you to your room.
I'm sure after that long trip, you'd like a nice rest.
Rest?
In all the wonderful places there are to see in California?
Oh, no, my dear.
Not at all.
Now then, I've made out a little list.
Aunt Martha, this week is Wilbur's vacation.
Oh, how wonderful.
Then I won't be interfering with your work while you're showing me around.
That's right, Aunt Martha.
Isn't it, Carol?
Yes, Weeby.
Aunt Martha, the bedrooms are upstairs.
I'll show you to...
Oh, fine.
I'd like to take my jacket and hat off.
It's all too heavy.
I'll get the suitcases.
Anybody home?
Stick them up!
Stick them up!
It's a holdup!
It's a holdup!
Don't shoot.
Please, don't shoot.
Stick them up!
Stick them up!
They are up.
My money's in my left-hand pocket.
Stick them up!
Stick them up!
Don't do anything rash, Deborah.
Don't do anything rash.
Get your hands up.
Roger.
Are you afraid of that loudmouth bird?
When I get through with him, he'll be behind bars.
No, don't antagonize him.
He's armed.
Look behind you.
It's a parrot.
What?
Then who took my money?
I did, doll.
There's $20 missing.
It's a holdup!
It's a holdup!
If I had pretty Polly, I'd have a mink coat in no time.
I'd have him stuffed.
Where did you get him, Wilbur?
In a police lineup?
Hims or her.
Tootsie, Aunt Martha's parrot.
Aunt Martha?
Having company?
Just arrived.
She's a wonderful person.
Practically brought me up.
Ah, here she is.
Hi.
Andy, I'd like you to meet my wonderful neighbors, Kay and Roger Addison.
This is my Aunt Martha.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Any friend of Weeby's is a friend of mine.
Weeby?
Oh, that's what he called himself when he was a baby.
He couldn't say Wilbur.
Oh, how precious.
Just adorable.
He was the most beautiful child I ever saw.
He had gorgeous blue eyes and long lashes and a head full of golden curls.
Long lashes and golden curls.
What a shame I didn't know you then.
I wasted my youth on Mary Pickford.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Uh, shall I take the parrot up to your room, Aunt Martha?
Oh.
Well, now, we're going to be out most of the time and I wouldn't want Tootsie to be alone.
Oh, we could put her in the barn with our horse.
A horse.
Why, that's perfect.
Tootsie loves animals.
Good.
Let's go, Tootsie.
Oh.
Wilbur is my favorite nephew.
I just know I'm going to enjoy this visit.
How long you staying, Aunt Martha?
Well, that depends.
Carol, I must see your picture.
Certainly, Aunt Martha. This way for the 25-cent tour.
Ah! Stick him up! It's a hold-up! It's a hold-up!
Stick him up! Ah! Ah! Ah!
A talking bird. What'll they think of next?
Ed, this is Tootsie, Aunt Martha's parent.
Tootsie's gonna be staying with you for a while.
Well, who sent for her?
Stick him up!
Ah! Shut your cotton-picking beak!
You might learn a few things from Tootsie.
She seems to be a very smart bird.
Yeah, and what's she doing in jail? Hmm?
Come on, Tootsie.
There. We'll put you right over here.
Honey, I'm starting lunch. Anything special?
Anything. Where's Aunt Martha?
In the living room, adding to that list of places she wants to see.
Kay and Roger went home.
Excuse me.
Darling, it's your vacation, don't you think?
Yeah, honey, it's your first trip, I hear.
Dear, she's a very sweet person, but you've been working so hard, you need the rest.
I'll get it when she leaves.
Oh, from the looks of that list, that won't be till after Christmas.
You're just exaggerating. Look, I'll show you how tired I am.
Where's my Tootsie?
Oh, now you mustn't be bashful in front of me.
Go ahead, Wilbur. Smooch.
Why, Wilbur, you're blushing.
Oh, he always was shy.
I remember when he was four years old at a birthday party,
a little girl tried to kiss him and he ran away and hid under the bed.
What's so fun...
What do you think of Mr. Ed?
Oh, he's a beautiful animal, but you can't beat a parrot when it comes to cleverness.
You are so right.
Well, I'd better start lunch.
Then later we can all sit on the patio and relax.
Relax? What are we, a bunch of old fogies?
Oh, no. Now, let's start doing the town right after lunch.
Wilbur is a bit tired and was planning to take it easy today.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I didn't realize that.
Well, now don't you worry, Wilbur. I can manage.
Well, wait a minute, though. I think I'd better drive you.
Oh, you don't have to, dear. Although the Addisons and I will miss you.
The Addisons?
Yes, yes. I invited them along, too. They're such a friendly couple.
Well, then it's only fair that we go in our car. Right, Carol?
Of course.
You've got yourself a wonderful wife.
Come on, dear. I'll help you fix lunch.
Weebie.
Ha, ha, ha.
Stick him up. Stick him up.
Ah, knock it off, stupid.
Stick him up. Stick him up. It's a holdup. It's a holdup.
Ah, stick him up. Stick him up. It's a holdup. It's a holdup.
Ah, ah, ah.
Oh, you taste good barbecued.
Will you quit teasing Tootsie?
This bird's driving me nuts.
Ed, you've been beefing for three days.
She's kept me up for three days.
Look at the circles under my eyes.
Well, you're just going to have to put up with Tootsie. That's all.
Stick him up. Stick him up.
Shut up. Is that all you know?
Good news, Wilbur.
Stick him up.
Stick him up. That's the second time in three days she's held you up.
Your Aunt Martha has just given us today's itinerary.
Oh, no. We've been on the go ever since she got here.
So far, the only thing I haven't seen is the city dump.
That's your first stop.
Oh.
No, seriously. Today she intends seeing Knott's Berry Farm and Disneyland.
Well, what's the good news?
I'm not going.
How did you get out of this?
Wilbur?
Yes, Aunt Martha?
Wilbur, dear, we're all ready to go to...
Oh, poor Roger. How's your neck now, dear?
Still stiff.
No, I'm awfully sorry I won't be able to go with you.
I've always wanted to see the city dump.
Oh, dear. Poor man. What he's going through.
All right, Wilbur, come on. Carol's waiting.
Yes.
Oh!
Where's the mother dog?
My back. I sprained it.
Oh, I know how to fix that. Turn around, dear.
And let your arms hang.
Yeah, well...
That's it.
Ooh!
There now. I told you we'd be home before midnight.
You're right, Aunt Martha. It's just two minutes to twelve.
We were lucky. The customs guard at the Mexican border let us right through.
Well, he knew I was an American the minute I said, merci beaucoup.
Isn't he cute?
Did I ever tell you I used to bounce him up and down on my knee when he was a little boy?
Yes, you did, Aunt Martha.
He was such a joy. He had the most gorgeous blue eyes.
Well, I'll be right back. Now, don't either of you go away.
Oh, we won't.
You used to bounce me up and down on your knee before she came.
Honey, I promise you, the minute she leaves, I'll bounce you all over the place.
Very funny. Do you know you haven't kissed me once today?
Well, get ready to chalk one up.
Oh, how sweet.
Now, I told you, you must be bashful in front of me.
Go ahead, Wilbert. Kiss her.
Thank you, Mr. Post.
What are you doing with the robe and slippers?
Oh, I thought I'd sleep down here on the couch tonight.
Don't you like your bedroom?
Did Carol make the beds wrong?
Oh, no. No.
I didn't want to bring it up, but it's that jasmine bush just outside my window.
Oh, I forgot your allergy.
Aunt Martha's allergic to jasmine. I should have remembered.
How's it going?
No, it doesn't. I'll go get a pillow and some blankets.
No, we can't let her sleep down here on the couch.
Then where will she sleep?
Well, there's no jasmine bush outside our window. She can sleep in our bedroom.
Won't we be a little crowded?
Oh, no. I'll sleep in Aunt Martha's room.
Now, why didn't I think of that?
Oh, now, Carol, Wilbert, I'll be perfectly comfortable down here.
Oh, no. I insist, Aunt Martha. It will give us a chance to get better acquainted.
Yes, and then I can show you the family album of pictures of Wilbert when he was a little boy.
That's wonderful. I can hardly wait to see his long, golden curls.
Oh, you'll just love them.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to say goodnight to Tootsie.
Well, you've just fulfilled the dream of every American girl,
to share her bedroom with her husband's aunt.
Honey, it'll just be for one night.
Let's just be friends.
We be.
We be.
One, two, cha-cha-cha. One, two, cha-cha-cha.
One, two, cha-cha-cha. One, two, cha-cha-cha.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
Now, sleep well, dear.
I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Oh, you smart little birdie.
Good night, Tootsie.
If you're so smart, say Peter Piper pick a pick a pickle peppers.
Peter, Peter, Peter, pick them up. It's a hold up.
I knew it. You're stupid.
I love you. I love you.
Smart, huh? Well, I got a way to fix you, sister.
I love you. I love you.
Oh, Wilbur, my favorite jasmine bush.
Well, you want me to put it back?
No, no, no. Dig faster.
Welcome home, dear.
I'll go help Aunt Martha take her clothes back to her own bedroom.
Yeah.
Good morning, Wilbur. Hi, Roger. Oh, no, no, no, no. You shouldn't have done it.
What? They're bound to search for her.
Oh, Roger. Don't worry about me. I won't testify against you.
Wilbur, Wilbur.
Tootsie's gone. She's not here.
Oh, Wilbur.
Wilbur, Wilbur.
Wilbur, Wilbur.
Wilbur, Wilbur.
Wilbur, Wilbur.
She's gone. She's not here.
Tootsie, where are you? What do you mean, she's gone?
She's just gone. She's just not here.
The last time I saw her, she was in her cage right on this stool.
Aunt Martha, don't get excited. Now, we'll find her.
No, you don't think that a cat got her to the apartment bed?
It may take time, but I'm sure we'll find her.
I wouldn't sleep with that.
All right, Ed, what have you done with the parrot?
What parrot?
Ed, where did you hide that parrot?
You don't have a search warrant, but come on in and look.
Excuse me, Ed.
Wilbur, Wilbur.
Yes, Carol?
I just heard about Tootsie.
Do you think one of the kids in the neighborhood could have taken her?
Kids?
Just look.
I wonder if bird napping is a federal rap.
Well, I've scoured the neighborhood.
No sign of Tootsie.
Sure is a mystery.
Oh, here's Wilbur. Any luck?
No.
Aunt Martha's just sick about this.
You know, she went up to her room.
Why don't we buy her another parrot?
Won't help.
Aunt Martha just poured her heart out to me.
Do you know she's had Tootsie for 25 years?
That long?
Ever since her husband died.
That bird's been her closest friend all that time.
She must be a very lonely person.
She's always so happy.
I think that's a cover-up.
You know something else?
I don't think she sent us any letter.
I was thinking the same thing.
She was probably afraid we'd turn her down.
Come on, let's go cheer her up.
Hello?
Wilbur, Tootsie's back.
That's wonderful!
Thank you, officer.
Tootsie's back.
Aunt Martha, Tootsie's back!
I love you. I love you.
Stick him up. It's a hold-up.
Forgive me, Tootsie, for hiding you in that ash can.
Tootsie, sweetheart!
Yes, baby, where were you?
Yes, darling.
Where did you go?
I wonder who could have brought her back.
Yes, dear.
Yes, dear, sweet boy, but where were you, darling?
Mommy was...
Now, we'll talk about that.
Yes, I wonder who.
Ed, I just dropped by to tell you Aunt Martha had a wonderful visit.
You know, the Addisons really took a liking to her.
Well, good night, Ed. Sleep well.
Where are you going?
Why?
I'm lonely. Talk to me.
I've got to get some sleep.
Tootsie was never too busy to talk to me.
Talk to me.
You really miss her since Aunt Martha took her home, huh?
I can't sleep anymore without noise.
Talk to me. Come on, talk to me.
Okay, Ed.
Stick him up, stick him up! It's a whole rabbit!
People yakety yak the street and waste your time a day
But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say
A horse is a horse, of course, of course
And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse
You never heard of a talking horse?
Well, listen to this!
I am Mr. Ed
The End
This has been a Filmways television presentation.